The Philosophy of a Glass Of Water

• Optimism: The glass is half full.
• Pessimism: The glass is half empty.
• Realism: The glass is filled halfway with water, halfway with air.
• Skepticism: Does the water even really exist, anyway? And what about the glass?
• Nihilism: It's neither one nor the other. I mean, what difference does it make, anyway?
• Existentialism: The water must decide for itself whether it fills or empties the glass halfway. It exists before its viscosity does.
• Solipsism: The water is really the only entity that truly exists - the glass that surrounds it is but a projection of its consciousness.
• Fatalism: Whether the glass is half full or half empty, there is nothing we can do about it.
• Theism: Someone put the water in the glass.
• Atheism: The water is in the glass as a result of a series of naturally occurring causal events.
• Deism: Someone put the water in the glass, but does not care what happens to it.
• Polytheism / Paganism: The water and the glass emerge from Chaos and are represented by a respective personification.
• Agnosticism: It is not known how the water got there or if the glass is half full or half empty.
• Non-cognitivism: the question cannot be answered until we properly define the terms "glass" and "water".
• Behaviorism: To properly answer the question, it is imperative that we observe how the water behaves.
• Consequentialism: To see if the glass is half full or half empty, it is necessary to use a system defined by the implications of our actions.
• Positivism: We can only know the truth by tasting the water.
• Impressionism: The details are not important. What counts is the general atmosphere of the glass of water, and that it is painted outdoors.
• Expressionism: We must represent the glass of water in a strictly subjective manner.
• Symbolism: Dreams, imagination and spirituality are what favor an accurate representation of the glass of water.
• Dadaism: Where were the avocado sandwiches during the Second World War?? Garage door, albatross!
• Cubism: We must represent the glass of water from a multitude of viewpoints.
• Postmodernism: The ontology veritably promulgated through the epistemological reality of the individual suffering from the Kierkegaardian concept of "Angst" indubitably demonstrates the truth as per experienced by the water perched almost precariously in its nondescript receptacle.
• Astigmatism: We'll never know whether the glass is half full or half empty so as long as we don't put on our glasses.
• Advaita Vedanta: The water and glass are one and the same.
• Asceticism: One must separate oneself from the material world to uncover the truth. The water and the glass always give a temporary and illusory happiness.
• Scholasticism: The school of thought that combined what the Church Fathers believed about the glass of water and the Platonic and Aristotelian frameworks regarding glasses of water.
• Catholicism: The water turns substantially, though not materially, into blood, via the process of transubstantiation.
• Anglicanism: We demand the right to separate the glass from the water.
• Reformism: We believe that our previous authorities have become corrupted. They teach that the glass is half full, which is contrary to what our Lord taught! In addition, they practice simony, selling water in exchange for land!
• Relativism: Whether one believes that the glass is half full or half empty, everybody is correct, even when two beliefs contradict each other.
• Antinatalism: It is immoral to pour water into the glass.
• Extremism: The glass is either completely empty or completely full.
• Capitalism: It is the one who fills the glass who can drink from it.
• Communism: Everyone in society is entitled to an equal portion of the water. Glory to Mother Russia.
• Fascism: The power of glass of water is in the union of its individuals.
• Anarchism: No one has the authority to force his neighbor to decide whether the glass is half full or half empty.
• Non-conformity: If the system wants us to believe the glass is half full, we will insist that it is half empty, or vice versa.
• Liberalism: The water has the right to practice any activity that does not interfere with the glass's freedom, and vice versa.
• Epicureanism: All that matters is whether the glass of water will make me happy.
• Rationalism: Bibo ergo sum.
• Dogmatism: Whether the glass is half full or half empty, the answer is already given to us.
• Utilitarianism: The water must satisfy the thirst of the greatest possible amount of people.
• Kantianism: The way we observe the glass is not necessarily equivalent to how the glass truly is.
• Feminism: It is important to eliminate the patriarchy, which poisons the water, by bringing society to a balance, thus allowing the water to quench the thirst of everyone, regardless of gender.
• Humanism: The water should quench the thirst of humans above all.
• Pacifism: It is important to question the state of the water in the glass without ever resorting to violence, no matter the circumstance.
• Monism: The glass and the water are made of the same substance.
• Dualism: The glass and the water are made of two different substances. It is not clear how the two interact.