Did you know, the Vatican provides a special place of work to the pope's dentist? It's called The Listerine Chapel.

Self Care is all about taking steps to repair the damage that The World does to you.  You define what that is.  In my case, it's Sunday, I'm going to the park to do large lazy circles around a giant gas bag parked in a barn at 14 mph.  That is my church.

If God is Everywhere, Everywhere is Holy.

In your case, take care of yourselves, I am sure you can figure something out.

Meanwhile, I am looking forward to getting my heart rate up above 150 or 160 for a sustained bit.  Can you keep up?  ON YER LEFT!

Since it is Sunday, here is a gem for you!


 

A Priest was being honored with an award at his retirement dinner having served the parish for 30 years, and to mark the occasion, a prominent member of the congregation, a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, was asked to give the presentation and make a short speech afterward.  Everyone was excited to hear the Justice’s remarks, however he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to fill in and make a few remarks of his own while they were waiting:

“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession that I heard here, and I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The first person who entered my confessional told me that he had burglarized his next-door neighbor’s house, stole 3 TVs, and lied about it to the police when questioned.  He got away with it. 

He stole money from his parents and his employer.  He had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 14-year-old daughter, and gave an STD to his sister-in-law.  He was arrested for indecent exposure and has taken illegal drugs.

I was appalled that any one person could commit so many terrible acts, but as time went on, I saw that my flock here were not all like that, and that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest was finishing his remarks, the Justice arrived, to a standing ovation, as he motioned for the room to quiet down.  He made profuse apologies for his late arrival and immediately began his presentation: 

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Justice.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

It is time for a two-fer before I disappear into the kitchen.  We're running low-ish on sandwich rolls and I'm really feeling like I need to make a fine Brioche so I can make some proper Barbecue Pork at dinner.  Between that and making more Dog Food, I'll have a busy day.

Oh and I simply didn't "get" the second one until I read it a couple times.  The spelling was atrocious even for US English, but it did make sense then.  This coming from a "Yank" who learned English from BBC World Service on Shortwave in my childhood home in New Jersey and was winning spelling bees all through elementary school.  

Meh, takes all kinds I guess, but education always shines through.



 

A rabbit goes into the job center and says have you got a job for a rabbit?

The manager says we haven't got any jobs for rabbits, and I don't think we'll ever have a job for a rabbit.

The rabbit says do you mind if I come in now and again to see if you've got jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says no problem come in whenever.

Well every morning at 10 o'clock the rabbit comes in and says have you got any jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says there's no jobs for rabbits, and there never will be.

A few days later an American comes into the job center wearing a Stetson looking very important. He says 'you got any rabbits looking for work?' 
The manager is amazed. He says there's a rabbit who comes through that door at 10am everyday who's looking for work. I'm sure he'll be interested.

Anyway next day at 10am the rabbit comes in. The manager says to him you won't believe this. It's finally happened. There's a man here looking for rabbits to employ. I didn't think this would ever happen but it has happened.

The rabbit says what's the job? The American says we're filming Watership Down on Palm Beach, and we're looking for rabbits, just like yourself, to play the parts.

The rabbit says "Acting? Piss off, I'm an electrician."





  The Wrong Profession

A Banker, an Architect, and a Tailor all make it onto a TV game show. The 3 contestants all need to cross a narrow beam that is raised high up into the air. Whoever of the 3 crosses the beam first, wins 1 million dollars. Slip or loose your balance, and you fall nearly 40ft into the water below.

The banker eyes things up then shrugs and says "ya know, honestly I already am a multimillionaire. I know a big risk when I see one so I'm out. I won't be attempting it."

It now moves onto the Architect who starts using their knowledge to think smart. They grab a spare piece of scaffolding, and ties 2 bricks on each end. Holding the pole as low as they can, the Architect was able to make their center of gravity below the balance beam, giving a significant advantage. They slowly and carefully start advancing towards the million dollar price fully aware at what is at stake.

The Tailor sees what the Architect is up to but hesitates and freezes desperately searching for a solution of what to do. As time slips away he sees the Architect moving closer and closer to the prize, realizing he likely cannot make it in time even with a perfect strategy. The Tailor sighs and lowers their head finally admitting, "I'm use to things hanging by a thread, but I just really don't think I'm cut out for this."

April Fools Day - Or Amateur Day. You Decide.

I mean really.

This is a day where everyone thinks up little jokes to play on friends.  They usually fall flat and someone gets their feelings hurt.

I usually do a lot of jokes myself.  In fact I drop a lot of what can be called "Dad Jokes" on the weekend.  All could be told in a high school class, most in an elementary school with some explanation I am sure. 

Hey! what can I say.   I do have a little story though.

I used to work with someone, Sam.  It was the nick he went by so I guess no real names were used.  Nice enough guy but he was an intense one.

Sam had a rapport with the five Ukrainian programmers we had on staff.  The ladies were all excellent and some were struggling with English.  

One, Inna, came to me completely frustrated with her English.  Flailing her hands around I waited for her to calm down.  Grasping those now still hands, I merely told her "Inna, No matter what, I will help you".  

She said that Sam was learning Russian Language obscenities and swearing all over the office.  She was deeply uncomfortable with it.  When I asked what he was saying, she blushed and insisted that she could not say it because it was so bad.

I said "Inna, I have an idea".  

"Teach me a word.  Something sounding rude in English but it should be very common or 'nice' for all audiences."  

I then explained that I will use this word at him, publicly and really get him all worked up, but she had to explain to the other ladies what is happening and since the one who is teaching him the rude words is out of the office for two weeks, we were going to play a prank on him.

I think I made a friend and an ally then with the plan.

For the next two weeks I was calling old Sammy a "Tsviatok".  That is what I remember the transliteration to be.  It means "Flower", and if spat out by an American, it sounded really rude.

The whole office did not know what was going on and any time Sammy started up, I would sound off "What is that little Tsviatok getting into now?!".

Everyone was aware that something was up.  

When asked, I would simply say "I like you too much to tell you, let's just keep it a secret."  That usually did enough to quiet the flames.

Eventually "Management" got involved.  I was called into a Closed Door Meeting.  I have caused Closed Door Meetings many times myself, I had a privileged place in the organization and was treated as Someone Who Will Be Promoted As Soon As We Can.

My direct managers asked me point blank and said this is becoming a problem.

When I told them the story and that it meant "Flower" the laugh was loud enough to be heard outside the closed doors.

The next day, I was in front of both managers, their boss, and Sammy.  Sammy said I know what that means!

I said "Sammy stop swearing, especially in front of the bosses!".

"It isn't a swear, it means Flower!" said Sammy.

I simply repeated what I said to the bosses in that closed door meeting.  I liked Sammy but I could see that he was really embarrassed at what happened and that most of the office was in on the joke by that point.  

It turned out that the person who he was most friendly in the five Ukrainian ladies, Slava, had clued him in that morning what was going on.  

So the trap got sprung and everyone knew what was up.

Remember though, keep it light.  Someone may be uncomfortable with your little prank.

I know Sammy was.