Someone threw a huge bottle of omega-3 pills at me but I only suffered super fish oil injuries

 Ducking the rain here today and dodging Red Blob Tinged Leopard Spots on the Radar.  South Florida is a Monsoon Climate.  It is dry for months then Wet Season hits and you can get washed.  It will help clear the duck waste from the side walks at least.

This is perfect for a Sunday, isn't it? 



Old Joke but classic

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "750" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start with that again."

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price?

 Ya know... I can't say I ever really gotten into Wine.  Port is an exception.  I use Port Wine for "reasons" but also to use it in the slow cooking of a fine roast is frankly, amazing.



I will keep an eye out for this kind of thing.  I'm off to do some large lazy circles around the giant gas bag that sits in a barn next to a golf course.  I'll let you know if I see anything Untowards....




A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. 

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. 

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Soap Making. A Smaller Batch And Reformulated Recipe To Battle Dreaded Orange Spots

Recipe "after the jump".

I originally intended just to give the recipe so I have it available for later.  It turned into a narrative.  This is not an exhaustive set of instructions.  Standard Internet Warranty Applies - This is at your own risk, Ramblingmoose.com is not responsible if you rush through and miss a step or burn something with Lye.  I used this process a number of times and I have made my own soap for years.  It works for me!

After all, I sometimes run with scissors!



I have a cut down cereal box that works beautifully as a Soap Mold.  It will easily hold 50 ounces of soap with my old "Standard Recipe".  But dollar store brownie molds or old plastic yogurt containers work as well.  Plastic and Silicone for molds are what I recommend.

The problem was "Dreaded Orange Spots".  It happens when a host of issues effects your soap.  Old ingredients, Environmental problems, humidity attacking the soap.

I had made enough soap that friends had enough on hand and told me that they didn't need any.  I enjoy making the recipe, it reminds me of when I was in high school and got a 99.6% of theoretical return on my Chemistry lab experiments.

The teacher couldn't do it that well and just let me act like a teacher's aid in those classes.  Yes, I was a nerd, still am.  A Jock and a Nerd?  Go figure!

Anyway, this recipe has a few features.

1). It makes 10 bars of soap.  Regular sized soap in a mold.  See picture.  This way they will get shared, but not overwhelm my friends and family.

2). It is a little less Olive Oil, a little more Coconut Oil.  That will make it harden much faster and as such it won't sit on my dining room table for months absorbing everything in my house.  I was able to unmold and use that soap the next day.

3).  It was a fast warm process soap.  The batch went from liquid to "vanilla pudding" in under 4 minutes with the stick blender.  Saved my sanity.

4).  I think it is a little more astringent.  All soap I make has Shea Butter for moisturizing.  This is my preference.  Since my skin is dry, I wanted to tailor it to clean but not dry out my skin.  I do a lot of DIY on the car and my sports equiment.  Skate Bearings and Bicycle Chains get grease all over the place and I am constantly washing up.  This helps.

"Dreaded Orange Spots" or "DOS" happens in older soap.  I don't use preservatives so here in South Florida, it can be a problem.  The last two bars from my last personal batch were getting soft again from the humidity.  It was a couple wet weeks and I got the beginning of DOS.


So I made more.  With Cedar Oil.  I made the batch for myself, and I wanted Cedar.  My choice.


The disclaimer - Use at your own risk.  Lye can cause burns.  I know, it has burned my fingers before.  Use Proper Protection.  I use a stove hood that vents outdoors, rubber gloves, and I dispose of anything that comes in contact with full strength lye.  Plastic for caustic substances, stainless for the oils and soap, silicone or paper for molding the soap.  I use a large "waste" glass jar to mix ice water and Lye.  Making Soap makes dangerous chemicals and can make caustic gases.

But the recipe is nice.  I used my first bar this morning in the shower, and have since I made the stuff.  I rather like this recipe and will make more from it.  

Turns out the leading cause of dry skin is a towel.

 Spring has sprung for most of us.  Sunrise here in So Flo, will be in a half hour, 60F 15C and bright and sunny.  Going to 80F 26C and light winds.  

It's a day to get out and do large lazy circles around a big gas bag in a giant barn at the park.

I'm just embarrassed that I had to use software to convert degrees F to C because normally I "just do metric in my head".  

BLAH!!!!




I got a call from a scammer yesterday.

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”

Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”

Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay. Same as before.”

Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”

Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”

Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “I usually press the big button.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

Scammer: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”

Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”

Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Please don’t confuse my medical degree with your Google search.

 When I saw that topic, I thought, it is a perfect metaphor for modern life.  Think for yourself, educate yourself.  Learning did not stop when you left school.

It stopped when you watched Fox News.






Supernatural Tigress Learns English

A wise man took years and years to teach a supernatural Bengal tigress to speak English, just for fun. 

He sat her down in front of a TV and made her watch old shows until she got the language. A while later, she developed a strange habit: she would rip people’s muscles off their body and then magically reassemble the person good as new. 

Seems painful, but victims were fine with this because they were usually in better health afterwards.

The teacher ask why she thought it necessary to perform this harrowing task on so many people. She thought for a while, trying to figure out the right words, and finally said she saw a commercial about “The paws that refleshes”.







 Her ex, Tiger Woods joke.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Linux Mint is what I would recommend to someone who wants to Learn Linux.

I got into a conversation before dawn.  I do this frequently since I am up at stupid o'clock most mornings.  Rainy morning, wash out for my workout, so I was considering my options.

My friend was telling me about someone she knew who was thrashing around with some technology.  I have seen this happen before, but this time he was rattling my cage with something I had done myself.

The process of learning Linux.

The normal response is "Just install it and use it" but that is way too oversimplified.

I don't use windows.  I have a Mac and don't use it either.  I would welcome a Mac but I would install Linux on it and be frustrated because the keys are "non standard" and the mouse or trackpad only has one button.  

Meh, I'd adapt.  Got one gathering dust?  I can haz Mac?  Oooh! Gimme! K Thx Bai!

:)

While I love new hardware and pretty machines, my newest computer is 5 years old and counting and I don't "need" one.  But, thanks for asking!

He got deep into Raspberry Pi and is frustrated by the limitations of the platform.  Size/Performance/Add-On Prices.  And so forth.

I suggested what I suggest all the time.  At this point in history you probably have an "Old Computer" gathering dust in the closet.  Many people don't know what to do with it because it has "old data" on it and don't know how to destroy that data.

Use Your Old Computer.

That old computer, unless it is truly old, should be enough to learn on.  Let's say 10 years old or newer.  i3/i5/i7 with 4GB memory and at least 50GB of disk space.  Pretty modest specifications right?  

Windows has a lot of "phone home" issues that take up some of that processor.  There are also a lot of machines that are at "end of life" according to Microsoft.  You can't install Windows 11 on it because of "reasons".  Nobody wants ads anywhere, let alone in a start menu that you are forced to use because some dolt decided "It's Betterer!".

Basically "reasons" are something called TPM that is a low level piece of firmware in the computer.  I won't go into details, it just flags the computer of not being worthy of upgrade because it doesn't have the latest version.

So with that old computer why not try Linux on that?

There is another way to do this.

Use A Live Version Of Linux.

I'm easing into the bits and bytes of how to go about this because I'm being conversational, why not, it's my blog and I have the space to do so.

But.

A Live Version of Linux is something you probably don't have a lot of experience with if you are a Windows or Mac user.

It basically is a clean and complete version of the operating system that will run on your computer without using the disc drive.  A Live Version will allow you to "look around" your computer.  If you can't use this computer with this Live Version, you will find out quickly.  

Some live distributions even have something called persistence that will allow you to take your computer with you on a USB Stick and create data permanently.  Tails is one that is specifically designed for this purpose but I do not recommend this for a learner.  Tails is also for the more paranoid of us out there or who are traveling in places where they may lose their computer hardware.

Most of the software you will need to do your daily tasks will be available.  Most of the drivers for your older hardware will be available.  If you find something missing, it is on you to find a version that works.

However, the one I would recommend is a Distribution of Linux Mint.  

Let me unpack that a little.  Linux comes as a free download from a group who supports and puts the operating system together so that you can use it, freely.  That would be a basic and hopefully not vague description of a "Linux Distribution".  We typically call that a "Distro" but that's jargon, even if I do use that word myself.

Linux Mint is a specific Distribution.  It's well supported.  If it works with your computer, it will be a well prepared software suite.  It should talk to your hardware, give you a browser, have an office suite, and look familiar enough for you to at least get your toes wet.

Importantly that this is geared for ease of use.  It is designed to be familiar enough to anyone who uses a computer at all to be able to stumble around and do real work on it with very minimal help.  It also has a huge library of software that you can explore.

Remember, Linux is Free and Open Source, so you can do what you like with it, generally.  Office Productivity, Gaming, Internet, surfing, all the "normal stuff".

Another thing to consider is that there are different looks that you can have with Linux.  If you are coming from Mac or Windows, there is one look.  Mac looks very similar to the way it has for years and has evolved but kept that look.  Windows is more variable from version to version.  

Linux has many looks from the old command line, to some that look like Mac, others like Windows.  It all depends on how much "shine" and "Eye Candy" you want in your computing experience.

Since this discussion is about basics and getting a look into this thing on old computers, I suggest what I use.  It's called XFCE.  Everything is "there", and it is one of the quicker software suites.  Everything you need to do what you really need to get done and I haven't found much missing.

There is also KDE but since Linux Mint does not have a Distro bundled with it directly, that discussion is for a different time.

XFCE looks familiar and is designed to be fast and "light".  It also is a bit dated in the default look but can be dressed up greatly.  I have seen it modified to look like Windows 7 and otherwise to look like a Mac.  I use it lightly modified and have for about 20 years as such.  It looks "Comfortable to me".

The general process is for you to grab a large downloaded file called an ISO and place it on a suitable USB stick with specific software, then start your computer (or Boot it) from that.  

In order to boot my computer from a USB stick, I have to hit "F12" when I turn the computer on, but there are other keys to hit at power up such as enter or "F1".  

While that is a list of the general process, you need a few things.

A USB Stick that is clear of data and of a reasonable size of 8GB or more.

The file that you downloaded.  That is something that ends with a .ISO extension and will be fairly large.  This page is for the current download list of sites that have the current version of Linux Mint XFCE.  You will need to choose the location of one that is appropriate for where you live.

The link here will start the download directly.  The file was called linuxmint-22.3-xfce-64bit.iso and was 2.8 GB.

Finally a piece of software to get all that data onto that USB Stick correctly.  The software will write out to the USB Stick in a way to create it as a "Bootable Drive".  In other words, it will make it so that you can run that USB Stick as your computer's operating system and not disturb what sits on the hard drive currently.

I tested the process on a machine that I would prefer it not destroy the data, and it did not harm my installed software - it was live.

But you do have to get software.

Linux Mint suggests a program called "Etcher" but there are others such as "unetbootin".  Both are free, and will run on Windows/Mac/Linux.  Pick one. 

Etcher will burn or copy any ISO to either a USB Stick or a DVD/CD.  I haven't used a DVD or a CD in years, so stick with the USB Stick.

unetbootin is a little more specific.  If you have an ISO it will burn or copy the file out to your USB Stick.  If you don't have the ISO, it will fetch one from a list for you and burn it to the USB Stick.  

Slightly different, both work on Windows/Mac/Linux.

Once it is on your stick, boot from that stick and wait for your operating system to show up.  Mine took a little bit longer than expected because my laptop battery was dead.  I think the battery needs to be replaced.  

Linux Mint has some documentation on how to do the entire process, and while it is complete, it is implying that you are going to install on the actual hard drive.  In my case I'm not going quite that far.

At this point, you have burned your USB Stick, and booted from it.  You should see the Linux Mint Desktop with the green LM Logo in the middle.  You are now in a Live Linux session.  Poke around and familiarize yourself with what you have been presented with.  

At the lower left is your start menu of applications to explore.  The only icon on the desktop at this point was an icon to "Install To Computer".  If you are happy with the way everything works, go for it.  The steps to install are not too complex.  This will erase your hard drive and place a fresh copy of Linux Mint on your hardware.

It does look like Windows 7 doesn't it?  I rather like what they did with the default look of XFCE which can be a bit too much like Windows XP sometimes.

During the time that I install any copy of Linux I do a few things.

I create a swap partition equal to the size of my memory.  This will allow me to hibernate the computer.  There may or may not be extra steps to enable this, different distributions will enable hibernate, others do not.

I always encrypt the hard drive.  Always.  Using a complex password.  If someone breaks in and steals your computer, they will not steal your data.  Up yours, thief!

I set the computer up to log in as myself directly once the encryption password has been given.  In an environment where more than one person are using the computer, this is not for the best.  Linux assumes more than one will be able to use the computer if you set it up later for it.  This all is a part of the installation process but can be added later.

At any case, Linux Mint will allow you to get exposed to Linux as a rule.  It is based on Ubuntu or Debian depending on the version.  As such there is a huge amount of help available on the subject.  

Debian is known to be one of the most stable versions of Linux available.  It is what I use, but for someone getting exposed to Linux, it is a bit advanced.

Ubuntu is not my first choice because it is subject to Corporate Realities.  They come along with some things like Snap, which adds complexities to the operating system and slow it down.  

Whichever Linux you have, it is compatible with your goals and has a lot of opportunities for learning.

Now, if someone would make an affordable Linux Phone and show me how to get my sports stats off of my sport watch, I would be very interested.  The integration is the problem there, and I am way too active not to have them.

Don’t throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture your car.

Some people just need to take a pause and listen.  Almost always it helps the outcome.





 Lawyer and Farmer

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

I bought a self-help book called “How to Accept Rejection.” They didn’t ship it.

 I mean I am waiting on a delivery today.  The dog will announce it when it gets here along with every delivery truck that rumbles down the block.

Rack! No!  Stop!




Polar bears

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: "Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?"

"Of course, son" replied the father. "you are 100 percent polar bear"

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: "Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?"

The father put a loving paw on the son's head. "Son," he said "I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear."

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: "Look, Dad, I don't want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?"

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: "Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?"

The cub replied: "Because I'm freezing!!!"

Recipe - Make Plain Yogurt In The Microwave

I'll keep my lecturing to the end and keep it brief.

If you buy Yogurt, consider making your own.  You can do it simply and quickly.  If you use a microwave to warm the milk, your favorite pre-school child could do it.

Ingredients

"Seed Yogurt".   Always buy yogurt with live cultures.  It's better for you anyway.  Yogurt will grow from old yogurt. Plain yogurt of your favorite brand.  Sugar free and unflavored.

Sugar.  Common table sugar.  About a tablespoon per quart will do nicely.

Milk.  I typically get 2% but I have done this from powdered milk and from whole milk.  Your choice.


Instructions

Keep in mind, this could always fail and your container could end up being a container of spoiled milk.  Check it every 12 hours or so.  It should smell like yogurt, not like the dumpster behind the dairy.

Find yourself a very clean jar to make this in.  I use a quart mason jar but you can use anything else that is appropriately sized.  It should have a lid and fit in the microwave.  I have a gallon of the stuff brewing in my kitchen right now.

Put that jar in the microwave and warm the milk to 90-100F or 35-39C.

Add a tablespoon of common sugar per quart.

Check the temperature of the milk to make sure it really is in that temperature band.  Too hot or too cold and you will kill the seed yogurt. 

Add 2 ounces, 56g of yogurt to the quart jar.

Stir vigorously and cover the jar.

Allow the yogurt to brew for about 48 hours.  This should be done in a warm room or any appropriately warm place like in the oven with the light on.  My kitchen was 76F/26C.  

After 48 hours, check your yogurt.  It should have jelled and taste tart.

Refrigerate and eat promptly as you would any other plain yogurt.  I have 4 ounces of plain yogurt with an ounce of (mango) jelly, a half teaspoon of lime juice, and a packet of sweetener (saccharine).


Semi-Comedic Back Story.  Once upon a time, I worked with Sue.  She should have been named "Karen" because she sat across from me and complained about everything.  I mean constantly.  One day I brought in for lunch some yogurt I had found at an ethnic grocery.  Mango, since I truly enjoy them and am looking forward to Mango Lassi Season.

Sue saw that and made the comment "You do know you could make it yourself, don't you?".  

Despite her being a bit snide about the way she said it, she was right.  I basically used the process she described and have been doing so the majority of my life.

Sue may have been a Karen, but she was right about the Yogurt.  

Oh and if you really want flavor and your on-hand jelly isn't your favorite, I put some Tang in it today and ended up with a Creamsicle.  Helps to have (big) kids around sometimes.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's a bit time consuming, especially if you have seconds.

Check your clocks.  It was Spring Ahead weekend here in the US and most of North America who follow this silly practice.

Just pick one, Savings Time or Standard Time.  Stick with it.  I'm already up too early and I don't think I ever adjusted to the time change last time.



What's the best joke you've ever heard?


A teacher asked her class to tell a story with a moral. One of the kids explained how her parents asked her to help in the kitchen, resulting in the food being ready much quicker- the moral being “many hands make light work”. Little Johnny piped up and told a story about his grandad when he saw active service in the military:

“He was in a trench, all his comrades were dead and he was surrounded by the enemy. He decided that the end was coming, so opened his flask of whiskey and downed it in one. After half an hour, nothing had happened, so grandad cocked his rifle, took the grenades from his dead friends and ran over the top, throwing grenades and shooting. When his bullets were all gone, he took the bayonet off and killed every remaining soldier.”

“Well Johnny, that’s some story, but I’m struggling to understand the moral”.

“It’s pretty simple. You don’t mess with my granddad if he’s had a drink”.

I have a music joke, but you'll lose track.

 Sitting here listening to a track from the Disco Station when there were such a thing being broadcast on the air.  

Yes, I still listen to Classic Disco.  It is incredibly good at helping my workouts.  Even if it is not "fashionable", the 120 or so beats per minute are good with keeping me moving.  There are quite a few internet radio stations out there for whatever format you like.  Even (yuck) Classic Rock and the Hair Band Era.

But, of course, you do you.  Just remember if I am in the car, I'm going to control the radio.



 A politician visits a remote Native American community.

With news crews following him around as they tour the place, he asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

The politician whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, the politician dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

Do I Wait For Bike Parts Or Do I Tear It Down Yet Again? Both. A Sarcastic Look At Bike Repair.

I'm learning.  Some of the tech in my bicycle are truly old school for me.  I am used to a certain way of rebuilding a wheel bearing - you don't.  You clean the thing and when it gets noisy or slow, you pop the thing out and pop in a new one.

That is how it is done on an inline skate.  Bearings are a known quantity, and you can get them for about $1 a piece or less in bulk these days.  While you get what you pay for, the little steel donuts snap into the plastic wheel easily.

A bicycle wheel hub bearing, in my case, is a Cup And Ball affair.  You have to have specialized tools to get at the bearing because the whole thing is held in place by a washer against the balls.  A nut that is tightened against a second nut will brace it all together.

There are other variations on this theme that are more like my inline skates, and if these wheels did use those "608RS" bearings, I would know how to manage it.

I was warned to make sure that the wheel had an axle that was straight by rolling across a flat surface and make sure that I knew how far down the threads the two nuts were on the axle.  

Luckily I did have the presence of mind to count the number of turns to remove the one side.  

The whole two nut method seems a bit janky to me.  First a washer is threaded on the axle.  Then the first nut is spun onto the threads on the axle to a specific depth (hence the measurements in what had to be millimeters).  A second nut is spun on the axle until it makes contact to the first one.  The affair will work but you have to tighten the second nut with one wrench while the first one is held in place with a "Cup Wrench".  That wrench is a thinner one, in my case it was a 15 MM wrench from pressed steel.

Now to remove all of this, you have to use that Cup Wrench to hold the first nut and loosen the second (outer) nut.  This is all done with the wheel off of the bike preferably on a workbench and not in my kitchen sink.  Like I did.  

Because once you remove that first pair, your axle will drop into the sink and the old balls will disappear down the drains.  Luckily I was smart enough to line the sink with parchment paper and place a screen in the drain to catch the errant bearings.

Now that you lost one or two of the balls, or more, you are swearing at the Gods of the Sport that you hate this process and you understand why your local trusted Bike Shop charges you a $35 "Inspection charge". 

Get that paper towel you have over in the corner by the toaster oven, since you did decide that you didn't want to clear off the workbench when you used it to rebuild the sprinkler heads back in 2019, and are using the kitchen sink.

We did warn you not to do that didn't we?  Oh well, make the best of it just don't let anyone know you are using up the parchment paper.  If you do, you will have to get more if you ever want any more home baked goods.

While you are at it make sure you have your rubber gloves on.  The ones that you had during Lockdown from a couple years back will work if they haven't melted into a blue gummy mess.

Wipe out all the old balls from the cup.  Squirt the grease into the cup when it is cleaned with new lithium grease.  No, not the same ones you used in 2009 to grease the jalousie windows on the house, that stuff is dried out or spoiled.  Go to the auto parts store and get the new tube.  It's under $20 and will last forever.  Look for the NGLI #2 rating.

Don't put too much of the stuff on because you really only need enough to line the cup and hold the new balls in place.  Oh right, you did get new balls didn't you?  You didn't? Too bad.  Go online, you will probably want 1/4 inch balls to go in the wheel but luckily all this stuff is cheap.  If you can't wait, go to the nearest big Bike Shop and beg for at least 20 bearings per wheel.

Now that your bike is unusable because you don't have all the crap you need to put it back together, go have a beer and wait for the delivery truck.  Those Sports Gods?  They are really ticking you off by now.

Ok, so days later the truck arrives with your balls.  All 200 of them for cheap.  You will need about 9 of them per side.  The ones that fell down your sink trap are not needed except since you're replacing the darn things you need to count all that stuff out.

Your axle has the two nuts in place retaining the washer.  Squirt a moderate amount of grease into the cup.  Place the 9 (or so) balls into the grease.  Swear at the Sport Gods since you dropped one or more into an inaccessible place in the wheel or down the drain.  You didn't clean off your workbench again, and you are annoyed because you are running low on parchment paper.  Use an old shopping bag for now.

You do need a lot of help don't you?

Once you get the balls in place, and there are a lot of them, gingerly thread that axle through to the opposite side keeping the balls from falling down the sink or into your wheel hub.  Pull the axle through to make contact with the balls and you can safely flip the wheel to begin the process on the other side.  At this point I set the bike on the paper on the counter to hold the balls in the wheel.  It made it easier to do the second side.

Repeat your work squirting the lithium grease in the cup, and setting the new bearings in place.  Once all that is done, you can put the washer down the axle and then the two nuts.

You remember going nuts, right?  Spin the first one against the washer but not too tight because you will bind your wheel up.  If it is too loose it will rattle against the axle and you will not have a smooth ride - or worse.  Catastrophic failure of a wheel hub will give you a bad time.  Just ask my Orthopedic Surgeon.  He said my shoulders paid for his new BMW.

After all this is done you put the second nut on that side.  Using the famed Cup wrench, hold the first nut in place, then tighten the second nut in to hold the first one.  

Mind you, all of this has to be done to the same measurements you had before.  You wrote all this information down as you were working on it right?

I didn't think so.  

Now you are considering why you ride a bike in your adulthood in the first place, have grease all over your good T-Shirt and pants, and are swearing that the Sport Gods are really just out to get you.

But if you have done all this work correctly, the axle will not be too tight, it will not rattle when moved up and down or in and out, and you can spin the whole wheel like a gyroscope.

Now that you have done all of this, you have to realize I was talking about the front wheel.  The back one?  Let me tell you, Friend, you need a specialized tool to take the gearset off the back wheel.  You use a crescent wrench with a breaker bar and a hammer to loosen the thing as well as that tool.

Just button the stuff up and take it to the bike shop if you aren't feeling confident. 

In my case I am still waiting for the delivery truck.  There is a new gearset coming since the first one was a "Freehub" and not a "Freewheel" like I need.

Oh?  You are asking what is the difference?  Well that is the $14 question since I got the wrong type for the bike I have.

Freewheel has a ratchet on the inside of the gearset.  If you spin it it will make that ticking sound but it will not come off the gearset once you remove that from the bike.  Or, at least it didn't when I tried.  I did not have the best luck with this.

Freehub has the ratchet assembly on the hub of the wheel.  Your gearset will not have any moving parts.

So have I convinced you not to do this work?  I will say that after all is said and done, my parts are arriving tomorrow after my three time a week marathon on the bike.  I'll be installing it this weekend while my "Support Team" is in Sarasota Florida.  Lucky Them.

You have a decision to make.  It really isn't as bad as it sounds, and I am just a little bit cynical about it all.  I am very picky about having wheels that will swing like a pendulum when they are hanging on a bike rack.  A very light touch and they should spin freely like that.  Any noises mean it is energy that you are putting into the sport that is going to waste.

So yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist.  Why not?  

If you will excuse me, I have a workout to squeeze in before the trials of the day begin.  Do what you have to to get a good workout on the trails, no matter your sport.

I have a biology joke but it doesn't fly.

I was watching an old Laugh In show somewhere on the web and Joanne Worley was shouting at the camera "Was that a chicken joke?".

In this case, yes.  Yes, it is.




 Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife…

He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Harold."

Harold was stunned. "I died? That can’t be right! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken."

Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strutted past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,"replied Harold the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."

"That‘s an egg, explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," said Harold.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," said the rooster" It's not a big deal."

Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SOILED THE BED!"