Sunday, April 21, 2019

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

It's amusing to look at my stats on this blog.  It's never going to light the world on fire, but I will say that these dumps of jokes on the weekends tend to get read heavily after the first day. 

I started putting these up on weekends when I was still writing every single day.  I've kept the practice up, and I have people sending me jokes and one liners.  If it makes me smile or laugh, I save them and put them here.

Wednesdays, I do some original writing but between you and me, I do feel somewhat tapped out.

However, for today, I'm going to do some one liners.  The file I keep here on my desktop is getting a bit full of them.



I heard the Dalai Lama has a gambling problem - he just loves Tibet.

Dreaming in color is just a pigment of your imagination.

French People are so hardcore.  They eat pain for breakfast.

I couldn't afford new glasses so I bought a monocle - now I've got 1920 vision.

Back when I worked in mortuary sales I got the top burner award.

Two priests argued over who would serve communion. It was quite an altarcation.

The farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

The two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it was too late to cancel my order.  That sail has shipped.

Just saw an excellent play about fishing.... it had a good cast.

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline. There was no answer. It just kept ringing.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

What do you call an intelligent idiot? An oxymoron

A redneck twofer?  Yeah that's what I have for you here!


A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is?
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doin?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"




Rednecks in NYC

A redneck and his son visit New York City for the first time. They walk into a hotel and see an elevator.

"What's that thing, pa?" the redneck kid asks.

"I got no idea junior" the redneck dad says.

Just then, the doors open and an elderly woman steps in. The doors close. A few second later the doors open again and a beautiful young blonde steps out.

"Damn," the redneck dad says. "I still got no idea what that thing is but you shove your ma in there right now!"

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

The Yogurt Recipe That Brings My Dog To The Kitchen

First, the recipe.

Materials:

Seed Yogurt: Go to the store, buy yourself a small container of plain unsweetened and unflavored yogurt that you enjoy.  There are multiple types, each culture has a different flavor.  But make certain that it says "Active Cultures" or what ever your nation says for active or live bacteria in this yogurt.   I personally use a "Greek Yogurt" and what I make with it tastes just about like what came out of the Seed Yogurt Cup.

Even better, if you have a neighbor that has a yogurt that they have been making out of their own cultures, get a couple tablespoons of that.  It's bound to be better than anything commercial.

Jar for your yogurt:  Get an appropriate jar with a sealable lid.  Approximately a quart/liter in size.  Sterilize the jar - wash and make sure it is as clean as you can get.  You don't want this stuff to spoil.  I use a Mason Jar with a wide mouth and a large plastic lid.  This jar must fit in your microwave.

Milk.  I use 2%.  Whole will taste better but will give more calories.  Skim Milk will taste "milder".  The Calorie Count will be the same as that of the milk that goes into it.  It's up to you. 



Process:

Add milk to your jar until it is about 3/4 filled.  750mL or 3 cups.  Or so - it does not have to be exact.  My Mason Jars have vertical lines on the side that I fill to the top of, below the narrowing for the neck.   You just want it to have some room for bubbles to form if it goes to boil in the microwave.

Heat the milk slowly to at least 180F/82C.  This can be done in a sauce pan if you do not have a microwave.  I heat the milk in the Mason Jar, in the microwave at High or Full Power for 4 minutes, then give it 30 second bursts until it begins to bubble.  This will kill off anything that will make things spoil.

Pour the milk into the Mason Jar.
Move the Mason Jar to a warm spot in the kitchen, on the counter where it won't be disturbed..
Allow the milk to cool for about two hours in the Mason Jar.

When the milk is below 105F/40C, add two tablespoons of the plain yogurt that you got for this purpose.
This is your Seed Yogurt.
Finish the rest of the seed yogurt, I suggest with either honey or a good jam.  This is your treat for the job.

Stir the seed yogurt vigorously into the milk.
Cover the Mason Jar with your lid, and allow it to sit at least one day.

Check the Mason Jar periodically.  It will be done when the yogurt begins to gel when you tip the container to the side.

Refrigerate and use within about a week. 

Remember - since you already made the stuff here, you can take a spoon or three of your current batch and use for seed yogurt for the next batch.  The taste will change over time, certain bacterias will express themselves stronger or weaker within the food.  If you don't like that, go get more seed yogurt at the stores.

So... about my dog?

Rack, the McNab SuperDog sits on his mat in the corner next to my recliner.  It's off in the distance so he can't see what is going on in the kitchen from that spot.

There's just enough noise in the house that I personally would not be paying that close attention to what goes on in the kitchen, but I would be wrong to ignore that completely.  Ceiling fans and clocks are all making a constant racket.

In fact, just putting on noise cancelling headphones is a nice change of pace from hearing all that din.

Rack does not need that.

There are certain noises that get him up from the corner and to the kitchen.  If I grab ice cubes, he comes in asking for one.  Luckily he is not brave enough to take liberty to press on the ice dispenser on the refrigerator.

He will get one when I make my first mug of coffee, but only the first one.  The second one he stays put and ignores whatever else is going on.

Or so you think.

Certain kitchen noises may make him pay attention like crumpling a chip bag or rattling the doors on things in there but this is one thing that sends him running to the kitchen.

I store the Mason Jar with the plastic top and the wide mouth on the "Breakfast Shelf" in the fridge.  I'm tall, 193CM/6'4" and it's at chest height.

Nudging the jelly, yeast, and cottage cheese aside, I grab that yogurt jar.  If he's in the room, he expects some.

But I tend to play tricks on my dog as it keeps his mind going.

Waiting for him to be in the corner, out of site, I get the Yogurt Jar out of the fridge.  Since I move things in and out frequently, he hasn't figured out that specific jar's noise.

Quietly stepping out, I see he's not watching and blissfully sleeping.

Turn the lid just a quarter turn and he leaps off his bed and runs to the kitchen sliding into my right leg with a skid.

Mind you he's not a Labrador Retriever but this is the closest to the Lab Feeding Frenzy that I get with my own McNab Dog.

He then gets his 1/2 cup of yogurt in his bowl.

It's gone so far that I can't use the word Yogurt in the house without having 46 pounds of black dog with white tips and highlights glued to my leg.

So yes, if you want the Yogurt for your recipes that will make the dogs come running, this is how you make the stuff.  The only time I buy yogurt is for seed if the original spoils.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken sees her salad!

Today, we're having a chicken dinner.  Every part of that bird will be used.  Once the meal is done, chicken noodle soup will be made, so basically we'll have food for at least two weeks.

By the end of this, I'm going to be quite tired of chicken soup.







Paul Revere’s Chicken

Paul Revere has a chicken named Gallo. When the American Revolution was well underway, he spent several nights training the chicken secretly in his barn. When he finally felt Gallo was ready, he brought it with him to the Sons of Liberty. At first, they laughed.

“Well, now, laugh if you want, but this here is a highly trained chicken, and Gallo here will help us win the war!”

They laughed some more. One of the men spoke up, “What kind of name is Gallo, anyways?”

“Italian” said Paul Revere. A man from Italy traded it for some silver work I did for him.” He set the chicken down. “But as I said, this bird here is *highly trained!”

Another man spoke up. “Trained for what? To lay an egg in the king?” Again more laughter.

“No!” Revere was growing impatient. “Gallo here is trained to sniff out British sympathizers!”

“Lies!” Several men called out.

“It’s true, I tell you! Just wait until you see my Italian Chicken catch a Tory!”

Saturday, April 13, 2019

If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive...I wouldn't be unattractive.

After shopping around on Amazon with a gift card someone gave me at xmas, I started getting bombarded with all sorts of suggestions from them for things that are a bit spendy. 

I guess you can't window shop online.  "Because you looked at this skate boot, here is this rutabaga!" emails are just weird.

It was a little strange sitting there seeing things and thinking about the punch line to this joke over and over and then finding this online.







Worst customer service ever!

I experienced the WORST customer service this morning.
I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.

Last night I bought something. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So this morning, less than 12 hours later, I took it back and asked if I could get a refund.
The cashier told me NO even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement or a store credit instead.
Again she said NO!

I asked to talk to a manager as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was OUT OF LUCK!
No refund. No replacement. No store credit. Grrrrrrrrr.

I am so pissed. I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket there again!

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

The Anatomy of a Severe Wipeout On Inline Skates - Or Why I Am Selective About Who I Train

I am sitting in the middle of my living room on the most comfortable chair in the house for my current condition, an Ikea Poang from the early part of the century.  It's proportioned for a man of my size, a fit 6' 4" or 193 CM man.  The Recliner, a Lazy Boy, won't do.  I need full support.

It's because I wiped out last week.   Bad.  I have skated 21,000 miles.  33,800 Km.  Add a few hundred miles for what I have done since January.  Most of that was in marathon workouts, as much as 50 miles a day and 200 a week.

I have trained people, and been paid for the pleasure.  The sport now is down to a core of us who truly love it, a few new folks, and a lot of people staring at their skates and wondering if they can again.

Yes, you can, but pay attention. 

If I can fall, so can you.

So getting to an elite level in any sport means concentration, repetition, and a little bit of skill.  The first thing I tell anyone interested in skating, including Inline Skating is "You WILL fall".

Included in that is you will get hurt to some degree, learn how to take it, I can tell you what I do, but you won't fall enough to develop that muscle memory to stop major damage unless you do it a lot.

If you make it past about 1000 miles, you probably will be able to be a skater for life.  It's an awesome exercise, makes your heart unbeatably strong, lowers your resting rate from a normal 72 to a very leisurable level.  Mine was 42 resting when I was competing.  My doctors always asked.

But losing concentration is bad.  Really bad.

I'm now returning to a regular level of workouts.  Not a marathon, but a more leisurely 20 miles a week.  Heart rate is dropping, weight is dropping, clothes are changing.

No really, the pant legs get very tight as the waist gets loose.  You have to go up a pant size.  Yes, it's strange.

Most of those miles are with earplugs screwed in my ears.  It blocks out wind noise, and I already have enough ringing in my ears.  It always is fast music since my heart rate while exercising will synchronize with the music and you get this fascinating runner's high where it can even be an out of the body experience.

Competing I had a runner's high from April through November every year.  Runner's high make you really mellow.  I mean amazingly "chill".

I can be kind of intense normally, rather competitive.  Always have been even if it is focused towards specific behaviors and challenges.

When I was skating I pushed myself hard.  Competing I would cruise at more than 15 MPH on skates.  Good music will add another 10 percent.  I would schedule my first rest and water stop at an hour in, minimum, and then every half hour thereafter whether I needed it or not.

Armin Van Buuren, Classic Disco, lately some Mexican NorteƱo or Grupera music too.  The fast music is awesome when cruising, you just have to trust me. 

The trail here is a 4.5 mile square aligned on the compass rose or close to it.  My broad back would catch the wind coming off the ocean and if it's with me, I can wind-skate and peak speeds are as high as 20 MPH without really breaking a sweat. 

Well it caught me, without my realizing it.  I came around the corner, and noted a barricade way off in the distance.  I looked down to check the music, and all the sudden I clipped that barricade.  The wind had pushed me to full speed and one foot grabbed the one corner.

I went down hard on my tailbone.

Being at peak speed is a funny thing.  Your muscle groups are doing their things, they're working hard to move your mass along.

Hitting the ground sent a shockwave through each one of those groups.  When my body stopped sliding and the world came back into light as well as color, I could tell you exactly where each muscle group was on my body because they were all shrieking in pain.

Left and right side of the neck, lower back, right upper leg rear, every one of those abs that are hiding behind Thanksgiving Dinner of years past, Pectoral muscles.

Every blessed muscle that I worked so hard since the accidents that threatened to turn me into a quadriplegic in my teens and again in my early 30s screamed to taunt me.

About the time I was able to reboot myself, I saw an older man and his workout partner.  The first one was talking to me to try to get my head going again, the second had his bike shoe on my left foot's boot front wheel to stop me from sliding my leg.

I did an assay.  Yes, my muscles were screaming in pain, focus was returning, however nothing was broken, my own First Aid certification from years past told me that.

These two French Canadians helped me back on my feet after too long and I was able to skate the two miles back to the Jeep and get home.   They may drive strangely on our roads, but they are always helpful and polite.

When asked why did I fall I said "I was distracted by the music and I was trying to translate a song from Spanish into English".

I need to leave the Spanish tracks at home I guess.   Maybe stick to instrumentals?  That and pay better attention when I skate.

After all, if I can screw up that badly, then so can you.

While nothing is broken, it took me four days to get flexible enough to be able to do a full look over my own body.  This was one of those falls that make you look like Nick Nolte in the first scenes of North Dallas Forty where this utterly worn out football player is shown slowly lowering himself into a tub of water while cutaway scenes of him getting slammed on a football gridiron over and over show you why you may want to consider a non impact sport.

My lower back has a deep black bruise where my body made first contact with asphalt.

Skating is non impact, unless you fall.  And hey, you can get a tiddly stuck in your eye if you are too competitive in Tiddly Winks too, right?

It took four days to be fully mobile, for the muscle groups to be smooth enough that I was able to roll in bed without screaming out in agony, for my digestive tract to relax and be "regular".

Never had that happen before.

But anyone in any sport, especially at a beginners level or an elite level can injure themselves.

Take an elite level participant starting over and you just might want to leave the music off and at home.

The skates, helmet, pads, and skate pack all hit the floor.  Everything but the skate boots made it into the closet.  I left the skates out to tell myself I will be on the trail again.  Just not today.  Maybe the day after tomorrow.  Maybe next week.

That's the thing.  Recuperate like you need to but get on the trail.  Besides, I have a 25 year old Xmas dinner to work off next time out.

A minute on your lips, a decade on your hips, a workout leaves it on the trail. 

Trust me on that one.  All at 100 calories per mile at my level.

So how about it?  Ready for that training session?  Yeah, give me about a week, I'll be starting out slow.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

My friend got mugged yesterday. He had to call the cups.



A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle.
One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thou Shalt Not Steal, really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his way.

A week later, the neighbor again ran into the preacher, reunited with his bike.

"So the sermon worked, I see!"
The preacher answered, "Apparently so! I got to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and remembered where I left my bike."



And since I am feeling Generous today, here's a second one for a Two-Fer.




I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knocking them overboard.

Luckily, they managed to cling to some nearby weather floats whilst the ship went down, but by the time we got to them, the glue that had covered them had set, and we couldn't detach them from the floats. After a long struggle we eventually got them free, but it was the most difficult rescue I was ever involved with.


That was the mission that separated the men from the buoys.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.

A man is lost in the Sahara desert when he stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.

The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world."

The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".




Personally, I think that last guy should have used his wisdom constructively and he'd be as rich as he wants to be, but that's just me!




And since there are SO many Genie Jokes, here's another one. 


Three brothers have been traveling in a desert

The heat was too intense, if they didn’t find shelter immediately they would die

All of a sudden the first brother, the oldest, finds a lamp. Without hesitation he rubs it only for a genie to appear moments later

The genies shouts, “Ah! I awaken once more! You three men shall each get a wish.”

Excitedly, the first brother shouts, “I WISH I WAS HOME WITH MY WIFE!”

In a poof of smoke he disappears. The genie granted his wish

The second brother scratches his head and says, “I wish I was back home too, with a big glass of ice water!”

The genie grants his wish too, he is sent back home.

The youngest brother looks around and sees that his brothers have vanished. His expression turns sullen and he says with a frown, “Genie, I’m kinda lonely now. Can you bring my brothers back?”

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

In Florida Even Your House Gets Sunburn

We've been here long enough, it's time to do some home repairs.

Yeah, don't start on the kitchen.  Replacing a kitchen towel may mean a $30,000 upgrade and color change there. 

It's hard to find a good carpenter, and once you do, you don't tell the neighbors until the job is almost done and you're satisfied with the results.

We'll let you know...

So the squat box of rocks that has weathered a couple hurricanes, more tropical storms, countless thunderstorms and sunny days needs a bit of care.  That soffit that is in the back of the house has made me nervous for years, and my carpentry skills are not up to that job.

It makes you look around.  Take stock of things.

With the sun beating down on the house most days of the year, things get exposed.  Just like I did.

The other day I was out skating.  I do that.  I have been doing that for 21,000 miles, 30,000 Km, 25 years... It was one of those low humidity days where there was just blue in the sky.  The Orb has chased the clouds away.  Sunglasses required.

My short 9 mile workout was fun, the winds were just enough to cool, not to challenge.   I got back in the Jeep and realized that I Got Sun. 

Up North in Philadelphia, I would do 30 to 55 mile workouts without sunblock and never think twice.  Down here, I won't do that again.  The sunblock sits in my skate bag and exposed areas will get that.

Driving home I notice that the front hoods of cars and roofs are often bleached and faded, although mine is not, luckily.

All that sun you folks come down here to experience takes a toll.

Under the lanai, the paint has faded the least.  We took a picture of that to the paint store, they made a guess at the color, and found a very close match of the current state.  Then ran that picture through a reverse-aging process and found something that looks very dark.  In the light, they look quite a bit different to what has been bleached now.

Then again, I see my own hair going a bit blond due to that same sun when I am skating.  I'll wear a helmet, I promise, especially since there's a lot of chaff on the trail lately.

Personally, I would prefer pure white on the house and blue trim, but that would make it look like a refugee from Santorini in Greece. 

On the other hand... maybe painting the entire house in the same rust color from the ground water we water the house with might be a good idea.  

Hmmmm.....

Just remember if you can't use sunblock, you're going to have to paint it. 

...Even your own sorry hide!

Sunday, March 31, 2019

How do you round up 500 old cows? Put up a bingo sign.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle.

So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab."

Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle.

Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach.

Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.

As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he
aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

And that enemy falls over dead!

Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."

Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him.

Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The
other guy drops and writhes in pain.

All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path.

Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy,
bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming.

Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab."

But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.

As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."