Sunday, September 20, 2020

If you don't succeed the first time, maybe parachuting isn't for you

Truth be told, "Who Do I look Like" is a dangerous response to give anyone in a discussion.  Besides being rude, it's easy to twist back on you.  

 

Who do I look like?!


A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?”

The husband says: “Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber!?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says: “Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says: “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says: “Who do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Oh great! So how much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“So, uhh, what kind of cake did you make for him?” asks the husband.

“Who do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Saturday, September 19, 2020

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Funny thing about this story... I was watching a Dr Pimple Popper yesterday evening and this was pretty much the discussion with one patient.

Plus, it's evil in its own way.  :) 

 

Fire victim gets a skin graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident. The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Godzilla Climbs Mt. Jeep

I don't bother these creatures.  I have transported lizards before and arrived with one looking at  me from a weird crevasse in the car.

I have a live and let live attitude towards Lizards.  Even these invasive Curly Tailed Lizards.

I figure if one gets into my Jeep and does not cause too much of a mess, and survives, I probably needed to set loose a pest spray inside the car.  They are finding food, shelter, and get enough water if they are there for more than a short visit.  

I don't care for pesticides myself.

I just have to say that it is a bit strange looking down into the car when I am inside the house and seeing those little eyes looking back at me. 

 

Now I have been told that we had lizards in Suburban South Jersey where I grew up but I never saw them.   Here in Suburban South Florida I know of two lizards that live in my Florida Room on a permanent basis. 

As a result I have markedly fewer insects invading my space.

I'll take a lizard over a mosquito any day.  It's a case of choosing your guests.  

Besides my hand gets tired flinging that tennis racket around.  The Tennis Racket Of Doom is strung with wires into which voltage is passed at the right current to vaporize what ever bugs are caught to create a circuit between them.  A brief snap, a flash, and that insect has gone to its next reality.

Even if that next life will not be a relation to me.

Sunday, September 13, 2020

What do you get if you cross a road with a blindfold? Ran over.

 A perfectly cromulent story for a Sunday morning, I would say. 

(Even if I did have to add cromulent to the spelling dictionary here).


 

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.

The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”


Saturday, September 12, 2020

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

Any Time I can find a story including a Moose, I'm on it.


A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking out at the general store, he asks the cashier what people did for fun around this dull place.

"Can I eat out, are there any good restaurants?"

"Well, there's Maude's diner," she said, "but only if you like cold eggs and burnt toast."

"Clubs? Bars?"

"Ha! Bernie doesn't mind if folks hang out in his garage. But it's BYOB."

The man looked at her and asked, "How do you people not go crazy out here? It's so boring!"

A customer chimed in. "Haven't you been to the frozen lake just south of the town? It's where we go to watch the moose dance. It's absolutely beautiful to see!"

"Yes," nodded the cashier. "We all go to see the moose dance on the ice when it gets dark. They skate and move with such grace. It never gets old."

Unsure how to respond to such a ridiculous idea without offending the townies, the man thanks them and leaves. He spends another two days fishing and hiking and napping and being serene - and going insane from boredom. Sitting staring at his fishing pole, he decides to go to the frozen lake that night. Anything is worth a shot.

Aside the lake, he waits, watching for movement. Suddenly, there is a rustling of the brush, and a giant moose steps out onto the ice. Another two wait on the lake's edge.

"Wow," he thinks. "The townfolk aren't crazy after all."

The moose on the ice begins to slide forward, then splats onto its belly as its hooves slip in four opposite directions. It struggles to stand up, makes it to its feet, and immediately tumbles down again. This repeats for several minutes, and the moose stumbles from the ice. The other two slide toward the center, but one stops abruptly and the second slides antler-first into the other moose's behind. They, too, slip constantly as they try to glide. After ram into each other headfirst, tangling their antlers together, they sidestep awkwardly back into the forest.

The next day the man goes back to the store, and complains to the cashier. "What the hell was with that moose thing you told me about? I went to watch at the lake last night, it was terrible. Just a bunch of clumsy animals falling down."

The customers and cashier all burst out laughing.

"You went last night?" The cashier shakes her head. "Of course it was bad. Thursday is amateur night."

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Sometimes you just need a quiet day to run out of things


I had one of those days.  It seems to parallel what is going on in society to a basic level or maybe I am just putting too much into it.

On the other hand, as my Sister commented, I have always had boxes of parts for projects around and partially projects have a tendency to pile up until you get just that right part.

It was quiet here.  I was alone except the parrot and Rack the SuperDog (TM).  

Being an early riser, I began to work through projects.

A while ago, years actually, someone was trying to park.  From the outside, it looked more like someone was trying to teach himself how to park.  That would be how I ended up with a couple light strips.

Our someone backed over a parking curb, some strips peeled off the bottom of his car, and he zipped out of The Shoppes looking confused.  

Being creative, of course I grabbed them.  Taking them home to test, they ended up being serviceable strips of White LEDs.  

Since then I have used them in a bunch of short term projects.   12 Volt LEDs are amazingly useful if you have "Low Voltage Lighting" around the property.  

If you have parts laying around you can do an amazing amount of good.  The problem is that in Pandemic America, and indeed the world, you will find that parts are getting a bit difficult to come by.  The shipping channels are confused.


Noticing that my light by the shed was fading, and it would be easier for me to replace them, I pulled apart a rather interesting light fixture I had and repurposed the fixture to accept these LEDs.  They mated well to the fixture, and since it was proudly emblazoned with the Made In China motto, I expected mediocrity and indeed got it.

However my little shed in the back corner of the yard now has a rather nice light that is on the low voltage system, even if the Mediocre Chinese Light took my literal and figurative blood to complete the construction.

That repurposing took me two hours while the Barbecue Pork Loin cooked, 350F for about 1:15 or until internal temp was 150F plus 5 minutes rest.

While all this nonsense was going on, I was puttering around the house repairing things that I would not have attempted if I didn't have eyes following me around.

We all have help.  We all have "help".  It's up to you whether that is effective.

Going through all of that, and calling for appointments, and looking for other parts, I noticed I needed a few odd things to repair my skates.  Oh sure I could go out and buy new, but it's kind of a personal thing.  I enjoy keeping my skates rolling, up to a minute at a time for a test, but the parts are getting harder to find.  

So I went online.  I needed Parts.

My one account has a list of "Things Bill Needs".  On there were three different pair of skates.  Since I have not been sponsored in skating since the early 2000s, a Patreon account is not yet in order,  and I went searching with the intent to price out gear, not to buy.  

What is happening in the Inline Skating sport is that the weekend warriors are coming out of hiding, and Dad and Son have graduated to doing more.  Mom and Daughter are joining them too.  It's progressed from being "That Weird Thing They Did In The Nineties" to something so current that it is like the yeast shortage that we went through, or worse, toilet paper.

Maple Leaves are better than Poison Ivy for all purposes.  Just a hint.

One after another of those three pairs went off the Amazon list when they sold out.  Internationally, Inline Skates have become the Latest Hen's Teeth of 2020.

This is to say that unless you dig, you won't find any decent gear.  You see, most sporting goods require constant upkeep.  Gears need to be cleaned, wheels replaced, and plastic and padding degrades.

That last thing means that the plastic on the pair of skates you bought new in 2002 has shattered when you put your size 11 foot into them and you have resigned to tossing them out.  

I had to rescue a couple of skaters as well as someone on a bicycle over the COVID Epidemic Summer.  I always carry a spare Allen Key or three, and just give them out since you will find them all over the place in parking lots.  It's also the same size that Ikea uses to build the Poang Chairs and others, but that's an aside.

One guy had a pair of skates throw a wheel, I rolled up, offered help, and gave him and his wife a key.  After they found all they needed to limp home, I got thinking. 

If I am running through my gear, can I find more?

Actually, no.  Inline Skates are in white hot demand these days.  Not everyone knows which pieces of which items to save for future, ahem, cannibalization skills, so not everyone has jars of old skate bearings just waiting to be sent in for reuse, coach.  

I do.

So if you find yourself in a quiet house, hot gluing things together, consider that the old wartime Britain motto of Make Do And Mend is a good thing to follow, because just like then, you may not be able to find replacement parts.

Just like my workouts, "It's A Marathon, Not A Sprint".  So be patient and cruise through the thrift stores once in a while.  You may find what you need.

Which reminds me... I wonder if they have some size 11 boots?

Sunday, September 6, 2020

What does a pepper do when it’s angry? It gets jalapeƱo face!

Ok, A Bit Gross but here you go!

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“We don’t need anyone,” they replied. 
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime.”
 
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
 
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
 
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
 
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples. ”
 
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
 
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”



Saturday, September 5, 2020

How do you know if you have a polar bear in your refrigerator? The door won't close.

Ok, how about a tasty little joke for a Saturday morning.



Ice fishing

I was in Greenland a few years ago and I wanted to try ice fishing. 

So I went to the local sporting goods store to purchase everything I would need, an ice saw, fishing pole, line, hooks, and a bucket to hold my catch. I drove out to the ice lake, cut a hole in the ice, and got set up. 

I had been there about an hour when another guy set up a fishing hole about 20 yards away from me. I hadn't caught a thing, but as soon as he set his line in the water, he caught a fish. 

This continued every five minutes he'd throw in his line, he'd catch another fish. 

Finally, after 2 hours of nothing, I decided to go over and ask him what his secret was.

He responded "mmmfff to dmakd the mmmf fmmm".

I told him I didn't understand, and he said again "mmmfff to dmakd the mmmf fmmm".

I told him I still didn't understand him, so he cupped his hands under his mouth, spit into them, and said "You have to keep your worms warm."

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

ASMR - An Hour At The Pool Video

I'm sitting here early watching this video upload to Youtube.

I don't really understand the attraction of this kind of thing.  It's called ASMR which is "Autonomous sensory meridian response". 

It's that tingly feeling you get when you hear or see something that excites you on a low level.

Or perhaps not.  I get this same kind of feedback while listening to Uplifting Trance during a Skate Workout, but I have been training hard since 1993.  You know, runner's highs are a wonderful thing.

I can see this being interesting in the middle of winter when you are sitting at a desk and have not seen sun in months.

I also can see at least two or three other similar videos that I can make from the comfort of my own backyard.   

At 6.2 GB per hour for full HD at 60FPS, it's been a long upload.

The video was shot with a camera I have here, obviously, then brought onto my Linux system where I added title cards, and watermarks via OpenShot and Inkscape.  It's possible to do professional video processing on a 7 year old hand-me-down "commodity" laptop running Debian Linux and all the software above.  Nothing bought, nothing Proprietary.

So Enjoy if it is your kind of thing.  For now I'm going to get up and get something to drink as Youtube is telling me I have another hour before the upload is done!

Now that it's done and processing... Whew! 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

How do you cut an ocean in half? With a seasaw!

I'm not a fisherman.  I have thought that my speed would be to have a patio that leans over a river into which I could flick a line, but that would require a lot of planning, and maybe a construction permit or three.   
 
On the other hand these two clowns...





Two guys go on a fishing trip


Two guys, Sheldon and Howard, go on a fishing trip. They start looking for fishes near the ocean. They spend 2 hours finding fishes but don't find any. At that time another ship goes by their ship. They ask the captain of the other ship where they could find fishes.

The captain replies: "You wont find any good fishes in this saline area. Keep going straight ahead and you will hit a fresh water lake"

Sheldon: "Okay sir! Thank you!"

They start moving.

Sheldon asks Howard to take a bucket of water out of the waters and taste it to determine if they had reached the fresh waters.

Howard: "This water is saline"

They move ahead.

Sheldon asks Howard to check the water and finds it is still saline.

They keep going for 4 more hours when Sheldon asks Howard to check the water again,

Howard: "Hold on, let me re-fill the bucket"