Sunday, September 19, 2021

Why is that fighter smiling? Because he's gladiator.

 A Sunday Two-fer...


A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar with gorgeous ladies who forgot to dress.

He hears the priest enter:

"Father, forgive me for so many years since my last confession!" As I look at things, things have improved a lot, it's much more cozy here now than it was before.

The priest answers:

"Come out, you idiot!" You're in my half!

... and ...

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”


Saturday, September 18, 2021

You know what would make your bad day even worse? Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

Having watched Red Dwarf, I completely believe this could be a cat.  Even a big cat!  No matter how evolved that cat might be, it's still a cat.

(You'd have to watch Red Dwarf to get that I guess.)


Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"


Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, you don't have to get so angry, just because you don't know the answer!"

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Ok, I give up, I'll get a new heat gun.

OK, I give up.

I try hard not to buy tools online or in a store.  There are too many thrift stores around me to justify splashing out on a brand spanking new thing but in this case, well blah here we go.

Hey, feel like a trip to the hardware store?

Yep.  I'm off.  You see, I'm in the middle of this month of self imposed exile from the trails.  It gave me plenty of time to give a long hard look at my skates and a couple other projects here, and I came to the conclusion that I need to buy a new heat gun.

The hair dryer did not work, it just is not hot enough to melt the plastic sufficiently. 

Mind you, the skates I bought last year are great but they have a quirk in the fitting that I need to remedy.  It rests against a bone under my right ankle as I give power to the wheels and it needs to be heated and pushed outwards to give me a little more room.

The standard skater tricks of surgical tape and double socks only worked so far and I am convinced a heat gun will do the trick.

There are also a few things that need to be "melted".  Having a Jeep Wrangler means that you have grey plastic parts after a while, and treating them with a heat gun will turn them back to black.

The first thing I did was to take stock of what was online and find a benchmark for price.  $10 is a great price but I didn't want to drive to Miami in a Jeep that gets 18MPG highway (23 with a tail wind on the overseas highway to the Keys). 

Then to one thrift store more.  Nope.

Then I went onto the online retailers and found it for $17. 

Even went to a craft store and they had a low end one for $26.  No, those sell online for under $10 thanks.

Oh and those plastic bottles everyone seems to love to hate?  If you wrap one around something and blast it with a heat gun it turns into shrink wrap that you'll never get it free without cutting it!

Cool huh?  Better than "Recycling" it because you understand nobody has figured out how to recycle plastic.

By The Way... use a reusable bottle for your water needs.  Mother Earth will thank you, and so will I.

Supposedly if you do it right, it can be used for heat shrinking and making things waterproof and ... 

You get the picture.  I got the heat gun last night.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine. Catscan.


Two friends are walking their dogs — a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua — when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Remember, 20 years on.


September 11, 2021.  20 years on.  

A Joke on a Saturday, as is customary, would just not be right on this day.  

But today I did have a choice that thousands who were murdered by extremists did not have.  I was able to get up, early as usual, and complain that I should have known better to put on the BBC World Service to get the news.  As Usual.

Coverage saying President Biden would be visiting all three sites for memorials.  New York, Pentagon, and Shenksville PA I assumed. 

BBC went on to review the last 20 years of actions in the middle east.  

Usual has changed.

That morning in 2001, I was sitting in my office at my desk trying to get to any news outlet online that would connect.  The internet was flooded with requests and I was working at a major university in Philadelphia.  This was not a place that should have had problems connecting to a news site.

Today, though, I went on to walk the dog.  Or rather to be towed around the block by my own dog.

I did have that choice.

Running into a neighbor, I pulled the headphones from my ears and said "I should have known better than to listen to the BBC on 9/11".  I got lecture of a list of ways to avoid media ending with his plan to watch "Old Sitcoms".  That's what I do on a normal evening so I smiled.

I did have that choice.

I did also put the BBC back on my headphones and continued to the house.  

Remember, You have the choice.

I kept thinking of when they had stopped all flights as of that day and the later resumption of the flights.  On the day of resumption, I was out in Fairmount Park skating a marathon as usual.  It was a clear day and I was talking to a random bicyclist heading south on West River Drive when a jet passed overhead on its way to Philadelphia International Airport.  I remarked that it was the first plane in "weeks" and we both rolled to a stop and watched it.

It's 20 years on.   There's a generation of children that grew up in its wake.  They will never know what it was like before.  If you wanted to say something had past for a while you simply said "That is so September Tenth" and went on.  

We who can, should remember.  After all, we do have the choice.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Rack's Dog Food Recipe or How To Meal Prep For A Dog

Basically Rack is a trial to feed.  He's got grain allergies, and he's got poultry allergies.  Since we lost Lettie before due to one of those Dog Food Scares, we refuse to feed Rack anything that is not home made.

Making dog food is not a difficult thing to do, but it takes a fair amount of preparation.  I do everything from scratch, if you are a long time reader of this blog, search for recipes and you will find that I home roast coffee, churn butter, make scratch biscuits, and many recipes for bread.

The ingredient list is simple however, I will explain at the end how I actually prepare EACH ingredient.  If you do things that way, you can shortcut the recipe to under 1/2 hour of cooking.

 Ingredients are in "Imperial" and converted to Metric.

All Ingredients are UNSALTED or LOW SALT:

  • 2.5 pounds/1.1kg ground beef (I use 77% Lean or better)
  • 24 ounces/3 cups/710ml water
  • 3 ounces/90g unsalted pre-cooked green peas
  • 5 ounces/150g finely shredded partially pre-cooked carrots
  • 15-16 ounces/450g pre-cooked Kidney Beans (I have also used Pinto Beans)
  • 1 can/15-16 ounces/450g Butternut Squash or Pumpkin - NOT PUMPKIN PIE FILLING
  • 21 ounces/600g pre-cooked white rice (I prefer Jasmine but that's because I can get it)


Process:

  • Brown and drain the ground beef in a large pot of about a gallon/4 liters
  • Return beef to the pot and add water.
  • Turn on the heat again and begin to warm the water to simmer.
  • Add ingredients in the order listed allowing the water to come back to simmer between each ingredient
  • Allow the food to cool before serving.  Dogs will eat things that are too hot for them but you don't want to harm your friend.  The pre-cooked rice will soak up extra water when stored in the refrigerator.


Preparing the ingredients.

Carrots:  I peel carrots and grate them finely in a food processor.  A Box Grater will work if you are patient.  Portion the carrots in bags and freeze the carrots.  Thaw before use.  This freeze/thaw cycle will "cook" the carrots and make them more palatable to the dog.

Beans:  If you can find a low or no sodium bean in a can you can use this.  I buy dry kidney beans in bulk because they are vastly cheaper than in a can.   Also, there is very little difference between varieties of beans for nutrition.   Buy what is in season or cheapest, I do.

To cook beans using an Instant Pot or a Crock Pot Express, rinse beans, add 3 cups of water to 1 cup of beans.  Cook on High Pressure for 45 minutes and Natural Release for 15 minutes.  Beans should be portioned as needed and for the dog food, mash them partially to make them more bio-available.

Rice:  Rinse rice.  3 parts rice to 4 parts water.  Add a tablespoon of cooking oil to the water before sealing the Rice Cooker or Instant Pot.  

For the Instant Pot/Crock Pot Express, use the Rice Button but reduce time to 6 minutes.  Turn off the Keep Warm button.  I tend to allow the rice to sit in the pot for about 5 minutes or so for Natural Release, then carefully vent the pot.  Don't burn yourself!

Peas:  I use frozen peas that are warmed in the microwave before adding to the mix.  Mash the peas in a bowl/cup before adding to make them more bio-available.

Water:  Since I have access to filtered water, I always use that.

Sunday, September 5, 2021

What do they call Pringles in Spain? Prespañol.

I have a can of Prespañol on the counter.  Less Salt it promises, but I'll charge through it in short order!

So I guess I'll keep this on a theme.  After all, I've got quite a few of these clergy related jokes, and who doesn't like tweaking a Nun?

 

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?"
 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, " Nuns are not spinsters*! Nuns are married to God.." 


The patient replied, "Perfect... Send the bill to my brother-in-law"

Saturday, September 4, 2021

The military is now using gender neutral terms like cannonfodder and expendable.

 And speaking of fodder, a lot of the stories I came across that I liked were to do with the clergy.   No idea why, I guess we are all effected by them in our own ways!

Even if this is a little more "PG" than my usual weekend fare...


A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Covid 19 is Killing My Outdoor Workout... Again

Over the months of this long drawn out epic, my mindset has changed.

If you don't want to get a vaccine, great.  When you get sick, don't go to the hospital and tough it out.  You made your choice, and you Lab Rats are effecting the rest of society badly.

And while I don't like repeating things I wrote, this situation has been on my mind lately.

You see, November 23, 2020, I wiped out on my skates.  Now when I say I wiped out, I say a nut from a tree fell from a tree in front of my lead wheel on my right foot and tripped me when I went under it.  Literally, no time to react.  I went down without realizing that I had been slammed into the pavement until after I "came to".  Broke my right clavicle.  First major injury since I started skating in 1993.  22,427 miles.

I've been hearing reports that the lab rats have been filling up the emergency rooms in South Florida because they have been getting sick.  I've also heard that there are some vaccinated who are getting sick and ending up there in much smaller numbers of about 1/2 of 1%.  

So basically the ERs are full.  Or nearing capacity.  A Hospital does not want an empty bed because it's a For Profit business and it means they can't charge an obscene amount of money for that bed that night, but it does not mean that you want to be there.  

When I was there in November 2020, I was greeted with a green flag on my door.  I was the only one.  The rest was full of poor souls that were struggling to remain alive.  So while they gave me happy pills and let me watch Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and laughing my head off waiting for the Doctors to make a decision on what to do, people were dying around me and there I was laughing at the oompa loompas like a weird unicorn.

To say it was a surreal situation is quite an understatement.

Fast forward to today. 

Someone pointed me to a local South Florida inline skating group.  (Sorry, Facebook link.)  The page read just like old times.  The same vibe of the skaters getting together, having fun, doing marathons, skating new places.  I was deeply involved in the scene in the 1990s and 2000s in Philadelphia, and continued skating to this day.

And then... speed bump.  One of their skaters broke his clavicle in NYC and now has a gofundme page for his injury.  Luckily my insurance is better than that.  Or else I would be in the same spot.

We need socialized, single payer health care.  Nobody should be bankrupted by 20 dollar aspirin and 180 dollar shoulder braces.  And stuff your fox "news" republican infested nonsense, the rest of the world came to this conclusion decades ago.

If you dislike my opinion feel free to write your own blog.

That speed bump is way too close to home.

I am an elite inline skater.  I specialize in distance.  Endurance.  For me to burn through 2000 calories in a workout is nothing.  I have skated 54 miles in one workout.  Total to date I have skated 22,700 miles or 36,532 KM. 

For comparison, the Equator is 24,901 miles or 40,075 KM.  That is my goal.  I will get there eventually and I will pass that.  

Yes, always on a measured trail and yes I always have kept count since 1993.  For me to strap on a heart monitor and skate with a GPS is a normal thing.

But for now, I am transitioning to a different exercise "For The Duration".  Assuming it does not blow out my knees, I'll be jogging.  I used to jog at Valley Forge National Park, three times a week for 10K.  I'd power up that one hill past all the ramparts and down the other side.  Pennsylvania can be quite hilly.

Back then I had a shortwave radio and listened to the BBC World Service jogging in a park devoted to the US Revolution.  The irony was not lost on me.

I can at least jog here in town and don't have to get out into the Jeep to drive to the park in Pompano Beach.  Once I get some distance going, I'll go up there for a change of pace, but these little warm up jogs are just training exercises to keep my weight down and to get used to this kind of workout.  I've lost 28 pounds since the beginning of lockdowns last year, and I will not get fat.  You see, obese people get sicker faster with Covid, it's a co-factor.

For now.  Someone else will use my parking space under the tree near the fire-hall in the park.  I don't want to chance being back in the ER.  Driving a manual transmission is a circus act when your right shoulder is not working due to a broken collarbone.

All you lab rats?  Do what you want but if you get sick, don't make it worse for the rest of us.  I'm already wearing a mask when I go to a mall and got my vaccines so I'm carrying your weight too.  When Grandma or your kid gets sick, don't run to me because you gave it to them, the rest of the world is sick of your garbage.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

What do you call a pig that does Karate? PORK CHOP!!

 As I am sitting here listening to the house wake up, and the Rock Dove on the fence say "Ooo hoo hoo hoo" I'm thinking of birds.

I mean, Oscar is in his cage, rattling around, there are birds everywhere, and they sometimes can be an interesting companion.  I suspect that was going through this guy's mind when he considered this out in LA.




Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a pair of talking birds for $500 each and explained that he had gotten his own mother a pair and that she absolutely loves them. His co-worker added that they were no ordinary talking birds, that they could impersonate actors,, they dance, and tell jokes. But it will take them a day or two to get used to the new place and wont talk until then.

So he buys the birds and has them shipped to his mother. He calls her on her birthday the following morning. Mom answers, son says "Happy birthday Mom!" She says,"Oh thank you, dear,." He asks, "So Mom, did my gift arrive?" She says, "Yes It did. And I enjoyed them very much. Thank you, son. They were delicious. I plucked the feathers and cooked them like little game hens."

" No mom. Please tell me you're kidding" he said. She assured him that she wasn't and he proceeded to tell her about the price of the birds and everything they were capable of doing. "Wait."she said,"Those birds could talk?" "Yes,, mom. They sang and danced and they talked. ..."

" Well then, why the hell didnt they say something?"