Sunday, December 10, 2017

Yo mama so dumb, She asked me the number of '911'

If you have ever read instructions and thought "Instructions unclear, installed third eye" this one is for you.



A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to "spend time" with her.  (Use your imagination, I cleaned it up)

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Saturday, December 9, 2017

A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

This is definitely a Dad Joke.  I've heard it told a couple times, and while I groan, I always have enjoyed it.



How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside.

He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember the details, but he did the whole trip barefoot, and by the end of the trip his callouses on his feet were so thick he could practically walk on hot coals.

He hardly ate or slept on his March to the sea, he power walked the whole thing.

The thing about doing strenuous exercise without much food is, your body starts breaking down other fuel, like muscles and connective tissues, and your breath gets this sickly sweet smell to it, like rotting fruit.

So, you could say Gandhi was a

Super calloused Fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe

Barbecue Potato Chips.

I was the weird kid that really truly enjoyed these.  I learned early that the Redder The Better because there was more flavor on them.

So I went looking, found lots of recipes on how to make this, and ended up tweaking to get this recipe.

It's the powder that you sprinkle on potato chips to turn them into BBQ Chips after putting it in the oven.

I have been dipping tortilla chips into it and knocking off the "excess" the last couple days and, Yeah!, pretty darn good too!

This is a smallish recipe, and can be scaled up easily if you find you like it.

I bet it could also go into a cheese shaker or a salt shaker for use as a condiment on the table.

I know I like this on a baked potato, and the little bit I need isn't enough for me to worry about the calorie count, or whatever else is in it.

Yes, there is salt and brown sugar in the recipe.  Depending on how you use it, it's possible that the salt can be left out.

You know... season to taste?  Especially good on bland foods.

Oh one last thing that I noticed when I put that pic together?  It's a great way to use up your old or out of date spices.  If you look at that pic really closely... you will notice that the date stamped on top of the Onion Powder is 2013.  It's now 2017. 

Oops!


Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe


Ingredients:


  • 1 Tablespoon Paprika
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon packed brown sugar (I used Dark)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper


To Prepare:

Mix everything in a jar thoroughly.

To Use:

Dust the surface of the food to taste after cooking.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!

I love Aretha's music so any chance to say it I'm all for... but being Sunday, that's not why you are here, is it?  Bad jokes anyone?

Oh and a little back story here.  Key West is at the end of the Florida Keys.  Coming back to the mainland it is 120 miles of beautiful turquoise waters, tiny little islands full of houses built on stilts, and places to stay.  Miami is 160 miles from Key West, and I am 190 from Key West. 

If I remember right.  It's a long drive.  Four hours...



Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The 'fool' had a paper route”



Saturday, December 2, 2017

How do both Santa and Ebeneezer Scrooge keep their hair so lustrous? With Ho Ho Bah!

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Growing Ginger in Containers or How We Stumbled Upon A Thing

I say Stumbled Upon because like a lot of my ideas, it was due to a rapid fire exchange of ideas with a
From the Wikipedia.com article on Ginger
https://en.wikipedia.com/wiki/ginger
good friend of mine up in the Atlanta suburbs, Craig.

You see Craig and I have been exchanging ideas on what to plant for a while.  The Climate there is about the same as I had in Philadelphia, Zone 7a or 7b depending on whether you live on the East or West of Philly.

When I lived there, I would fill my back deck with dozens of pots that would all march their way indoors by Halloween or whenever the first cold snap into the mid 30s would happen.

That would be a low of 2 or 3 C for the Fahrenheit Impaired.

Apparently with Ginger, you don't have to be so concerned.  The plants will die back in colder areas and Zone 8 should be fine - that's 10F or about -7C.  Colder than that and it's a container plant.

I had mentioned that we were given a pot of Variegated Ginger and wondered if it was the same "stuff" that I use when I stir fry chicken.  He said No, but you can grow that stuff from the stores.

We banged it back and forth and the method we put together was this.

  • First, get yourself a piece of ginger with a lot of "fingers" on it. 
  • Select a finger about the length and size of the first joint of your thumb to the length of your thumb.
  • Wash all the pieces you wish to plant in Dish Soap thoroughly.
  • Don't bruise the skin while washing the pieces.
  • No, you didn't wash it enough, repeat the wash another two or three times.
  • Plant in well drained soil, or a pot, and wait.
  • Water periodically and hope that the Squirrels don't put peanuts in the pot.

The reason why I mention those damn Squirrels is my neighbors feed them raw peanuts.  They grab the peanuts and bury them in my pots.  I have peanuts growing in about a quarter of the pots I have out back.

It is the same thing with me, I guess.  I'm the kind of guy that throws pieces of tomato or fruit that is past its prime in the garden and watches to see if it grows.  Win-win, if it doesn't I get fertilizer for this beach sand we call soil here.

I had actually forgotten that I put those thumbs in the ground in my front garden because when I walked out there one afternoon, I noticed that two ginger plants were mixed in with all the other confusion that I have out front.

I dug them up and then put into a pot, minus the peanut plants, so I could watch over them.

Ginger does not seem to mind being crowded in a pot, so you can plant it and grow it "Up North".

Now, if you live in a zone that is on the edge, like my sister does in Zone 7b Cherry Hill, NJ, you may be able to "get away with it" in the ground.  Find a south facing wall of your house.  Plant close to the foundation because the sun hitting your walls will warm the soil just a few degrees, and it may be just enough.

Here, 8 miles south of the freezing temp lines, I don't have to worry at all.  But as always, your mileage may vary.

Why would you bother?

My friend Craig got further along than I did with this.  Of course you can go to your favorite market and buy ginger root, that's not the point.  The point is that the flavor of absolutely fresh Ginger Root is much more complex than some that has been shipped, treated with anti-growing chemicals, and sitting in the store waiting for you to use it.  Any natural product will taste different depending on where it grows.  In fact, certain plantings in certain fields in certain farms will yield different results.

Oh and the green parts of the plant?  You won't find those in stores, but Ginger Greens and Stems are edible as well.  They can be tough, so you may limit that to tea or used in soups or stirfry but it's worth a shot.  You may find a new favorite. Chop fine until you realize your own way of using them.  You will have a lot since the plant grows waist high.

That is called the "Terroir" by the French and is used to describe the effect of the environment on the grapes that go into the wine.  Similar effects happen with Coffee where one specific estate on one specific mountain will taste different than the adjacent field because there's just a tiny difference in the amount of water or sunlight or ...

Well you get the idea.

So give it a shot, the worst thing that could happen is that you get a "pretty plant" and a great story to tell the
nosy neighbors.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

I've been watching a cat documentary today. It's on paws.

An Excellent Vintage.

A drunk walk into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?


Ok, so these blond jokes are just as dumb as they try to make someone out to be with that color hair, but, I couldn't resist...


Blonde walks into a library and says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and medium Coke."
Librarian: "But ma'am, this is a library!"
Blonde: Oh I'm sorry... (whispers) "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and medium Coke"

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Calculators are reliable. You can always count on them.

Here are a couple of short-mid sized jokes for you to try on for size.  They made me smile, so maybe you will too.


The Mystery Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.



If light travels faster than the speed of sound
Why I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”



My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Bougainvilleas and Bananas on Thanksgiving

On this week before Thanksgiving, there is a lot of "Prep Work" to do.

The hedges get cut back,
House gets cleaned,
Shed gets cleaned,
Yard gets cleaned,
Well, you get the idea.

I would say this is where the law of unintended consequences happens.

While I don't have a good definition for it, I can explain it really well in one short phrase:

Never paint your kitchen.

Why?  Because then your cabinets will look shabby.  You then have to replace them.  While your kitchen is gutted, you look at your oven from the last decade and think this would be a good time to do it.  Maybe swap out the electric range for a gas or propane one.  After all, being able to cook indoors is good for emergencies.

You get the idea.

So we got started.  Actually we started a while back before the hurricanes hit South Florida and cleared out the shed.  That gave me the open "16th Puzzle Piece".

I talk about this often.  There is a game that has 15 square pieces.  Usually has numbers on them.  There is one piece missing, the 16th Puzzle Piece.  You slide the pieces around to get them out of order for someone and then hand it to them to "fix".  I guess it was a Rubix Cube before there were any.

I often joke that I feel like the 16th Puzzle Piece.

It makes me feel like a banana.  Or this banana leaf, you never know where they will crop up.

Once you have managed to go out to the shed to get that piece you need to fix something that just broke, you notice the yard and the plants and take a pause.

But there is rather a lot to get done.

Also remember, the dog lives here and you don't.   Different lecture but the tumbleweeds under the AC Intake that the dog left there need to be picked up reminding you that you need to replace the filter bag in the vacuum and no you can't just pull the old dirt out and dump it into the trash because that bag had that done once already.

It's a process.

But I will say that if you are reading this and your Turkey is still frozen, you may be out of luck.

I can help but I am not guaranteeing it will work...

Place your wrapped in plastic, frozen, and un-thawed meat (Turkey, Chicken, Beef, it doesn't matter) into the sink that has been thoroughly cleaned and plugged up.  Fill the sink with tap water.  It does not have to be hot, and it won't be for long.  Submerge that package of meat/poultry/frozen stuff in the water.   Check back in an hour.

The water will speed your thawing up.  It's of course at your own risk so make sure it isn't in there longer than you need it to thaw and it does not spoil.  The good thing is that it is faster and safer than leaving a frozen block of dinner out on the counter overnight.  But you do need to use your own judgement on how long to keep it in the water bath.

At least that one hour will let you vacuum the dog or the cat fur out of the kitchen and maybe even let you scour the bathtub.

Isn't having guests a pain in the tail?

Speaking of guests and pets - remember don't let anyone feed traditional Thanksgiving food to the dog.  Raisins, onions, and many of the herbs and spices that are in that feast will sicken or kill your dog outright.  Better to stick with their dog food if there is any doubt.


And no matter how much they beg, no Onions for the dog.

When you're through with all of that and the meal is done, you can start on the wiring in the backyard.  You really did want to get the low voltage wiring run the 100 feet from the front yard to the shed so you can see inside the thing, didn't you?

Ok lets just skip it and hit the Chinese restaurant for some Curried Chicken instead!  They're open, aren't they?

Sunday, November 19, 2017

My neighbors are listening to good music whether they like it or not.

Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out. 

He asks "why does that Pig only have three legs?"
She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said "but why does the Pig only have three legs?" 
She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked "why does the Pig only have three legs?"
After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once.