Sunday, June 17, 2018

Why was the fishing show so successful? They had a great cast

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Saturday, June 16, 2018

I want to tell you a joke about procrastination. . . tomorrow.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

Frog is grateful, thanks the man for saving his life, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, "please make my dog win the next dog race."

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area."

Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog looks at the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"


Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Baking or Soap Making it could be Engineering Tolerances that are causing you problems

I was an electronics geek back when I was a teen. 

Everything in Electronics had a percentage of tolerance engineered in.  Any particular theoretical Resistor may have been intended to be 220K, but in reality it had a 10 % tolerance built in and could have been as much as  22K off.  Say 200 Ohm to 242K ohm. 

And since everything else had a 10% tolerance it just may work!  After all, analog electronics always had a trimming capacitor or potentiometer somewhere to tune the circuit to make it all work.

I have a habit of scaling recipes.  That Engineering Tolerance can get in the way.

It makes too much, cut the recipe down.  If it doesn't make enough, double it.

In fact, my favorite bread recipe, Pat's Pizza Dough works great in thirds.  I can take that third and make a rather nice sized pizza for two or a couple rolls for sandwiches and it works well.

My preferred way to make a pizza crust is to toss the ingredients into a bag, add an extra teaspoon or tablespoon to texture, and squish it around until it is properly mixed and kneaded.

What if I want one single roll?

No, seriously, just one.  After all you're not eating two rolls at a time, right?  It may not turn out just right.

After all, you took a recipe that you cut down from 3 cups to 1 cup, and it worked out right, but what about going smaller.

Metric measurements may help.  

But here is the rub.  Many recipes were converted from very old measurements and work well in one specific climate, but move them they don't work.  Others were converted into Metric measurements and are rounded up or down.

I have seen conversion factors varying between 28 and 30 grams to the ounce where the official measurement is 28.35 (by my search) grams to the ounce.

28 and lets-call-it-a-third grams to the ounce.

(See what I did there?  Added an Engineering Tolerance?)

Have you ever accurately measured one gram in a kitchen?   - No.
How about 1/3 of a gram.  - No.
Does it matter? - Maybe.

"Cooking" may not be effected.  Your measurements can be a little off when you're making a roast from Grandma's recipe but "it's the way we like it" would be the answer.

Baking, well that can be finicky.  I'm just not going to try to figure out 9.45 Grams of anything.  My scale is not THAT accurate, and frankly that's only the 1/3 ounce.  A single roll needs 1/9th of a teaspoon of salt and of sugar. 

Settle down, if you go up or down slightly, it should still work but you probably have a freezer that would take the other two rolls if you went to the 1/3rd recipe.

My point is that it is a rare kitchen that can measure in tiny fractions of a gram.  If it is. it is probably cooking something that you would see in Breaking Bad.

After all, I remember my high school chemistry very well and used to get ridiculously accurate measurements in a true Laboratory with balance scales and graduated cylinders and Scientific House weights and measures, and MY kitchen is not equipped!

Since my High School Chem teacher was a stoner, learning Chemistry well was self-preservation around all those possibly toxic ingredients.

The one gram weight was, by the way, a small square of brass that was about the size of a quarter of a common postage stamp.  Now cut that down to a third.

Just stop right there.  My point is with food, it just might not be a problem and you can always have leftovers since that oven isn't exactly free to run.

But soap?  Don't try this at home kiddies!

The size reduction... Soap Making is easy but take your time with measurements.

You see, making larger batches of soap seem to be fine.  Bread Loaf sized batches mean that you can do your measurements in ounces and your kitchen scale will be happy to oblige.  Use Grams if you like and be more precise.   Anything over 500 Grams or a Pound (you choose) and the numbers get nice and round.

Since you are using less than 100% of the Lye you need in the recipe to leave things nice and moisturized after washing  your hide with it, coming in a wee bit low makes things happy. 

My first batch was at 96%.  That soap was so good that my skin problem cleared up.  Add to it that I only ever use Human Food Grade Ingredients for making soap and you can really see why.

Then I got "creative".  "Lets make One Single Bar Of Soap." I said, in earnest!  "After all, how difficult can it be?"

Hah!  You jest.

You see, the measurement came in wanting a fraction of a gram of lye. 8.45 grams, to be specific.

No.  Just no. 

Since different oils have different properties, I fiddled with the soap calculator web page and came up with a combination that ended up being exactly 8.00 grams of Lye, even round numbered gram amounts of oils, and 17 1/2 grams of water.

Why such small amounts?  I wanted One Single Bar of Soap that was going to be 3 ounces. 

Actually I wanted two of them but one had scent and the other did not.

When I was through, the same measurements gave me two bars through two separate preparations of ingredients.

Bar one was 86 Grams.
Bar two was 79 Grams.

From the same measurements.

Bar one was fine and made the house smell like peppermint, and that was intentional.

Bar two had no scent and a sheen of "something" clear on top.  I don't know if it was oil or water but it all "digested" into the bar and was (semi) solid the next day.

Don't ask, I have no idea why.

They are both curing until they are ready to use.  Bar One will probably be too strongly scented and Bar Two might be harsh.  I won't know until I use them.

So if you're wondering why it does not work out when you do all that weird calculations and get different results, well, you made a measuring mistake and it happens.

Go with larger batches next time.  I will.  My mold will make six bars of soap, each 3 ounces.  I will calculate 21 ounces and see what I get.  I'll let you know how that worked out.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Why did the snake exterminator cross the road? To get to the adder cide.

A redneck calls up the White House...
Redneck: I’d like to sign me up to be the next President of the United States!

Receptionist: What are you, an idiot?
Redneck: I dunno, is that required?


The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.




A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving
His young son came in the room and said: "Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!"

The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: "Why's that son?"
His son replied: "So I can have a son just like me"




So what do you do?
I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.

So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?
I prefer international arms dealer.



A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."


A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?”
Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?”
She replies “$50”.

He asks for a cheaper bottle.
She shows him another bottle.

“How much?”, “$20” she replied.
He asks again “anything cheaper?

She shows him a mirror.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

My boss ordered me to take a diversity awareness program. I shouldn't have said I was lactose intolerant.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death. The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps. And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker's wife cries, and through her tears says "He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich".
The second wife totally devastated whimpers "He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known...", and continues crying.
And the third one cries "Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches"

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Florida Is No Place If You Hate Spiders

I'm up early.  Usually about early enough to get a good long dog walk in and feed both of us before dawn even struggles to send first light over the hedge.

Being tall, you should thank me.  It is a public service that I do.

What service would that be, you ask?

I clear spider webs from the walks and paths of this town.

Terrified of spiders?

I am not, in fact, generally I ignore them.  Their purpose is to eat the creatures that I do not care for like the mosquitoes and gnats.

Yes, this being the tropics, or tropics adjacent - depending on your definition, we do have mosquitoes.  Legions of the blasted creatures.  Evil blood sucking things.

This being the tropics here in South Florida, everything grows.   Fast.  Quick.  Assertively.

That sidewalk I depend on has palm fronds on it, every block, that I have to dodge.  You may not, but I most certainly do.

If the frond wasn't there yesterday, it's here today.  People don't tend to clear walkways to seven feet or 2 and a half meters, or what ever measure your area thinks is traditionally appropriate.

Sometimes I may help that along, but it can be a lot of work trimming leaves.

That open area is where the spider web clearing comes along.

Sorry, Charlotte, but your web was in my way.  I'll be sure to take a bit home with me in my hair
or on my arms or clothes.  Thanks, but I really don't need that.

Getting in to feed the dog, I brush myself down looking for hitchhikers and calling it good, I prepare for a later foray into the yard.

The 7:30AM yard inspection is just after sunrise by a bit.  As they say "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" and I am back outside trying to avoid bugs.

That has its own reward.  This is more human scaled agriculture, or rather my own human scaled.  I look over closely the plants I do want in the yard, remove those I don't and sometimes spot something.

In this case, Bougainvillea.  It blooms almost all year around.  I can't think of when it isn't blooming.  If you get just the right angle, it makes for quite a nice display.

If you don't just remember that those things will bite you with the spikes on the limbs.

I never work on a bougainvillea without a little blood loss.

Not from the spiders, but the spines.  Spiders are everywhere, even if you don't see them in the flowers.

Go eat a mosquito, spider, I'll leave you alone.


Sunday, June 3, 2018

My favourite word is "confidential". I can't tell you why.

I'm watching my neighbor who owns a pair of apartment buildings walk around on his roof.  We're commenting "Careful, if you fall through that roof, who will you sue?"  


So of course this one is appropriate.


Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law" which has an opening for a new lawyer position.

So on the big day, John gets dressed in a sharp and finely tailored suit and drives out to the firm's building. He finally gets there about 15 minutes early, but he can't find a parking space. He drives around the building a few times but still doesn't find one.

About 10 minutes pass and he starts to panic, this was his dream! It took him months to have his resume accepted by a firm, and he is worried it may take much longer for another to accept if he misses this interview slot.

As he drives around the building, he starts to pray to God for a parking space.

"God, I don't know if you exist or not. But I promise, if you give me a parking space right now I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll give 25% of my income to charity and I'll start being a better man."

All of a sudden, a car pulls in front of him and he notices an open parking space.

He says: "Oh, nevermind God! There's one now!"

Saturday, June 2, 2018

I'm giving away my roof for free! Don't worry, it's on the house.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

wakeonlan - remotely starting another computer

This is something I have been using for literally decades.  Since I have been setting this up in my home office, I am reminded that some people just may not have an idea this exists, and that they almost certainly have it on their computers.  Just a matter of turning it on.

I would have my "big" machine in a room away from where I was seated, then I'd wander off and sit on the couch with the little machine. Then I would need something on the big machine across the network. Since it was typically on my third floor it was impractical to take the laptop upstairs when the TV was on in the downstairs living room. To make it handy I wanted to turn that beast on so I could play music in the kitchen or read a document I have on it on my little machine. This little trick would let me do it.

"Wake On Lan" is simple conceptually. You send a "Magic Packet" to another computer on your network, or across the internet. The packet talks to the ethernet card, some wifi cards reportedly work but I have never figured that bit out. When the packet gets there, the computer turns itself on.

Think "Magic Bullet" to wake the computer sleeping at home while you are at work.

Mind you, there are steps to get this to work.:

You have to turn it on in your BIOS.
Ok, better said, you have to find out where it is in the pages of your BIOS, then turn it on.
If you have ever seen your BIOS, and know what's up in there, you probably are in a small minority of people, but trust me there are good things there.

You look for a prompt that says "Enable Wake On Lan" and make sure it says yes or is turned on or "selected", then save and reboot the computer.

That computer must be using a wired connection to the internet - an ethernet connection must be used and not Wifi, although I have seen that some people have managed to get this to work on Wifi.

Technically that's all you need on the "distant" computer you want to wake up, however you do need a few bits of information.

Every network card has a "MAC Address". Think of it as a telephone number. That network card, and only that network card has that specific number. I have mine, you have yours. Same thing as the phone number on your phone, or your IMEI number on the phone. You and only you have THAT number. It may also be in your BIOS, but every BIOS may vary.

You feed it into a wee little program and it fires off a magic packet to your network.

The packet wanders around your network and the ethernet card is listening. If that packet matches the address on the card, the card will wake up the computer from hibernation or turn it on with a "cold boot".

Then you can get your "stuff".

The business of across the internet is a bit more complex. You actually would have to punch a hole in your firewall for the purpose, and this is beyond this posting of "Hey look at this cool stuff".

RaspberryPi users, sorry, you can't wake a Pi across the network, and I really wish you could! The hardware is built more simply, and the Ethernet port actually sit on the USB Bus.

For Linux users (and BSD) with Debian XFCE, you can find out your MAC Address by looking at the connection information when you right click on the Network Connections icon in the status bar or in the Settings, Network Connections on the applications menu. Right click on the Wired Connection you have hooked up. Look for "Hardware Address:: and you will find a number that looks like 01:23:45:67:89:AB

Windows users, check your hardware manager under My Computer.

Mac, sorry, one isn't handy to me but the base commands should be there under your network manager.

Look for the Mac Address, again it's six pairs of Hex numerals that look like 01:23:45:67:89:ab, and write them down.

To test, hibernate or shut "this" distant computer down. Then go to the "other" computer, and launch a Wake On LAN Client. There are many, and they are generally free. Mine is called "wakeonlan" on Linux. It runs at a command line (gasp!) by typing (horrors!) in "wakeonlan 01:23:45:67:89:ab".  You can easily encapsulate it in a bash shell, of course.

Then after a short pause, the computer turns itself on and presents itself at a login prompt.

Your network shares will be available on that machine, or you can use Remote Desktop or VNC to use it directly from where you sit.

Wake on Lan clients are available:
Linux - called wakeonlan and is available by "apt install wakeonlan" in Debian.
Windows - there are a bunch of them that are available here.
Mac OSX - wakeonlan is available here.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

I went bowling with my son yesterday... Next time I'll use a bowling ball, however he was a good sport. It's a shame he went on strike, I guess I'll have to pick up a spare.

When I read this one this morning, I got a big smile on my face.  Ladies just might like this one!





Compliments

This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."



As for this second one?  Everyone has something to be laughed at!




A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP

Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP