Today I learned if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat. Because it's Cap Sized.

This little story reminds me that if I ever had a chance to have another dog, I'd have to put "Talking Buttons" out in the house.  We have a bell on the back door for our boy Rack to ask to be left out but I can't hear it from the front room.

Dang it, Rack, Ring it Louder!  :)






 A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.


He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says "good afternoon, how are you?"

"OH my, you can talk!"

" Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch."

"WOW, that's amazing!"

The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he's interested in selling the dog.

"Sure, I'll take 10 bucks for him."

"Why so little, you do know he can talk?

"Yeah, I know, but he's a liar. He's never been off this porch!"

I have a chemistry joke, but it’s too basic.

You know, waking up at 445 on a Saturday to fight the heat, circle a giant gas bag, and sweat is fine.  It is just the Karens I could do without!  

If you see a tall guy out there looking wrung out but laughing at his rubber duck board shorts, that just might be me!


Just had to get that out of the way.  But hey there is always this, right?




The Indian with a great memory

There was once a man and a woman driving through the desert to Las Vegas on their honeymoon when they came across an Indian teepee with a sign out front that read:

“Indian with amazing memory inside! The husband says to his fiancée, “What the heck, let’s stop and check it out.” So they go inside, and the man asks the Indian, “What did you eat for breakfast three years ago?” Without missing a beat, the Indian replies, “Eggs.” The man looks at his fiancée and says, “Wow… that’s an incredible memory,” and they continue on their trip.

Ten years later, now married with kids, the family happens to be traveling through the same desert. They spot the very same teepee. Excited, the husband says to his kids, “Your mom and I stopped here ten years ago! Let’s go see if he remembers me.” So the whole family goes inside. Trying to be funny, the husband raises his hand and says, “How.”

The Indian looks at him calmly and replies: “scrambled”

Why Did I Buy Barbie's Electric Chainsaw?

I had been poking around on Temu.  In the past I have bought a few things and learned that you can use it well, but you do have to watch how you read the descriptions. 

I am also finding that the same vendors are on Amazon, and at a higher price.  I'm not exactly a rich person, so I will cut that middleman out wherever I can.  The "Scrabble Tiles Thrown At A Wall" company brands are on both sites.

I get thrown off by the dimensions.  Metric throws me at times, and I bake in both Metric and Imperial.  My workouts are in Imperial but the individual parts are in Metric.  I am Large in US size, in Chinese size I am 2XL or 3XL.

And so forth.

The last batch of odds and ends was delayed in transit and I was given a pair of $5 consolation prizes for a total of $10.  Nice touch.

The Mango Tree forced this last purchase.  I was outside with a common garden pruner snipping away at some branches.  Mango Tree had finished fruiting for the year and every year it needs to be trimmed way back or else it will take over the yard and become a monster.

It grew from a "man sized" hat rack to about as tall as the house's roof since last year's trimming.  I think it hit the ground water table.

That $10 Temu credit came to mind.  I was outside sweating in the morning heat, filling up my blue trash can, and trying to think of a better way to do it.

When I came in and got cleaned up, I sat down at the laptop.  My email had a status that my shipment had gotten through customs and is sitting at a regional hub.  At the bottom of the email was a bunch of helpful suggestions for future purchases.

A $11 chainsaw.  How on earth?  

Ok, I was drawn in, I looked at the specs on the thing.  6 Inch Chainsaw.  That made me raise an eyebrow.  I looked at my hand.  From tip to wrist, that is close enough to 6 inches to use as an estimate.  Thinking that I will have some wrist sized branches to trim back the lightbulb went on.

Barbie's Electric Chainsaw just may work.

Of course I went looking for the cheapest price and found it as well as a collection of tools that went with a weed eater and the same kind of batteries.  Both were ordered.  

Barbie's Electric Chainsaw (in blue) basically cost me $1 plus $3 shipping.  Yoink!

I am still waiting on the weed eater.  It comes with a twee little 4 inch in diameter metal saw blade as well and there is some brush that needs leveling as well as my Podocarpus Hedge that will get attended to.

So a ludicrously small battery electric chainsaw.  It actually worked on a thumb sized branch before I came in.  My Mango Tree "trimming" will happen.

Actually it will happen in the morning that I don't have a workout or an appointment, and needs to happen before 10AM.  It's what I can call "high summer" in South Florida, and as an athlete, I am having an education on what it means to avoid heat exhaustion.  This heat has spiked my resting heart rate, sent it from a normal for me 52 to a high of 58 yesterday.  

When I go out there to trim my tree, it will be in the morning, and with a giant glass of water.  Ice Water.

Remember to hydrate!

Coffee with vanilla soy milk is actually just a 3 bean soup.

I have been looking for a reason to go on a vacation.  Since I am getting rather settled, I'm thinking I'll leave things as they are.




A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage

Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."

Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."

The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:

"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"

She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."

That's all folks !!!

My dog ate a deck of cards, the vet says that he'll deal with him later.

 They must have been on the coffee table.  Rack goes there every time I leave the coffee table and searches for crumbs.

Not really but hey, it makes for a good story, right?



 A young college student takes a few writing courses and discovers he has a great talent for it. He had majored in something more sensible, but decides he has to be a writer. The only problem is he has no idea how to make a living at it...

...so he asks his professor and he’s told there’s only one man in town who has actually made his living as a writer. A meeting is arranged for the two, and the student sits down with old writer, who looks to be in his 90s, but has had many books and essays published.

The student asks, “I’m not foolish enough to think I can get rich, but how can I be a working writer like you?”

“My boy,” the old writer says, “your youth is a time for ideals, passions, dreams and hopes. To be a writer, however, is to forsake all of these things. Your reality will be one of deprivation and hunger. There will be loneliness - endless loneliness - for writing is perhaps the loneliest profession of all. You will never be sure if you are a great thinker or merely caught in the grip of madness. But if you must write, and you never give up, and you continue to perfect your craft despite resigning yourself to a life of hunger, loneliness, and poverty, by the time you’re fifty, something wonderful happens.”

“Really? What happens when I turn fifty?”

“You get used to it!”

Betty's Dish Made It To Sarasota, Florida. Or did it?

Back in the day.  Once upon a time.  

There were three sisters.  Mary, was the youngest.  Betty and Millie.

The three sisters used to get together and make insane amounts of food in their various kitchens and share it.  

Mostly with Mary and Betty.  I did not really know that Millie was as frequent a beneficiary of these potlucks as Mary was.

Mary was my mother.  Betty and Millie were my aunts.

Very strong women.  Forces of Nature.  Italian women.  Family lore said that Mary only spoke Italian until she was 7 years old and still could speak a little by the time I was 7 years old.

Typical immigrant story, you are expected to integrate into the larger culture as much as possible.

For better or worse.

Regardless of languages, these women made some amazing food.  From family tradition, they would make plenty of Italian Specialties.  It's a large family, they were always feeding each other.

In fact, I could not get properly fit until I moved out from Mary's house.  Getting fit is a habit I kept to this day.  

Aggressively, assertively.

Once Mary was preparing a meal at her house with the fill in from Betty.  You know, cooperative cooking can be fun and there were some things that Mary did not make as well as Betty did.

That was Betty speaking.  I couldn't vouch for that, but I did know how it would get to Mary's Kitchen.  White Corning Oven Safe Casserole dish.  Cornflower Blue flower pattern on the side.

Really everything was so good that I did not want to get in the middle of this contest of "My Sauce Is Better Than Yours".  I did know that since we were in Philadelphia Area, our Amoroso's Rolls were better than what I had when I went to Betty's house in Queens, NY.

Finast, Indeed.  

I would take some stew meat called Bracciola or a piece of Italian Sausage and put it in a Hoagie Roll with plenty of that sauce and dust with excellent Parmesan and be in heaven.  I am still burning those calories many years later.

The meal was a success.  Mom really did like having her sister down, even if they were two cut from the same cloth.  Both were a force of nature level of strength.  I knew that eventually I'd hear one or the other yelling and it would be a "Discussion".  A Loud Discussion.

I'd disappear at that point either into the basement or into the garage and busy myself with something appropriate and let the dust settle until I was called for dinner.

After the visit there was a call.  Betty thought that she had forgotten Her Dish.  White Corningware with Cornflower on the side.  You know the one, blue flower.  

Mom tore apart her kitchen and could not find it.  I got drafted into looking myself.

We decided to let it rest.  Betty didn't.  After all, it wouldn't be Family Lore if it didn't recur.

The next visit Betty sheepishly said she is still looking for her dish.  We let her go through all of the cabinets and she did not find it.  

The next visit and onward for years, Betty still muttered about the dish.  It confused us all because we all looked through the house and at her house and in the cars and in the various things that went bump in the night.

Mom died first, and when Betty visited to say her goodbye, we told her to look again through the house for her dish.  Take what you like.  Still no dish.  Not in any of the cabinets.

My sister and I were bemused by the entire thing.  It simply was not around at any of the houses.

Fast forward to a visit that I paid to Betty.  She had moved to a house on the spine of Long Island in the city of Lake Ronkonkoma.  Before I went I had found a similar piece at a thrift store with a lid.  Rather nice casserole that I kept for years as a key to start the engine to this story at will.  

We called it "Betty's Dish" with a smile.

I brought that dish to Betty and immediately she said "Well, that's not my dish.  I wish I had mine."  Laughing I offered it to her and she didn't want it since she was beginning to minimize her house in the aftermath of the move.  "It wouldn't match my set".

We never did find that dish until now.

I get a picture texted to me of a cabinet.  As far as I am concerned, the dish had gotten moved from New Jersey, to New York, magically broke on my floor and re-materialized and now moved to Sarasota, Florida.  A friend of mine was visiting a friend of his and said "Hey, here's Betty's Dish!".

I even suggested he bring it home since I thought from the picture that it was in a thrift but no, it was in someone's house and they would miss it since it completed a set.

That would be a little too close to home, as now Betty's Dish would be missing in two places.

So we do know that Betty's Dish is not in my house since my dish expired due to "Deceleration Trauma" on a rather solid floor in my farm house in Philadelphia.  It is not in Sarasota because that was not Betty's Dish".

Hey!  But it could be!

Now you know the tale.  Every time I see a Cornflower Corning Baking Dish, I get a wry smile and point it out to people and say "There's Betty's Dish!".

It is a shame because it's a great size for making casseroles and breads.  But there's always a chance I'll stumble across another one of Betty's Dish.

It's only smell if it comes from the Ol' Factory, otherwise it's just sparkling odor.

After the "festivities" last night, the air quality here is pretty bad.  There's a haze lingering and I am hoping for a sea breeze to set up at 10 AM as usual, and maybe a line of T Storms would help.





  Cinderella is shipwrecked. She washes up on a barren, rocky island in the middle of the ocean.

There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"

Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.

"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"

"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."

Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.

"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."

"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."

POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"

POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.

"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"

POOF!

I have a history joke, but it’s too old.

 You can tell this is a joke.  Generous Lawyer?  Who would have thought...




 Generous Lawyer

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one woman, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor women he stated, "You come with us also." The second woman, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretched limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Pre Workout Dog Walk and Serenity on the Block

 I have a very regimented life.

In order to get to the park to get the workout in, I am up well before dawn.  This sets up the day.

I try to be at the park, on the bike before 8AM.  Because, Florida is Hot.  Air Conditioning runs 12 months in a year with a 2 to 4 week breather in February.

Two hours of cardio in that kind of condition means I pick and choose what I can do and on which day.  I was there early enough because I was out of bed at 4:40 this morning.

Go out to the yard in boxer shorts, start the irrigation for the flowers, let the dog irrigate his own plants.  

Catch the 5AM news on CBC or BBC hoping for some positive news.  Not today.  Fires and Evacuations in the Northwest Territories of Canada, Venezuela's rescue efforts continue, the Japanese Yen is "devalued".

I feed the dog and get ready to go out on the first walk of the day.

Meanwhile, I have a pre-dawn conversation.  Most mornings I have a chat with a good friend of mine, 1200 miles away.

She knows that I get back into the house after the walk and need a carbo-load.  Got to fuel up for the day.

As I step out into the morning, I see "be safe" on my phone.

That's a given, but thank you.  I step out and all is quiet.  I take a picture and send it along.

"This looks serene".
"Yes, it does" 

That is this neighborhood at 5:40 in the morning.  Most neighborhoods should be similar.  Quiet.  Serene.  That serenity helps me clear my mind for the day.

We continue the conversation, advising, and preparing.  She knows that I'll get home and finish preparing for the future cycling marathon.

But 1200 miles away, we are there for each other.

Hot, though the day was, it also allowed me to get in 27.6 miles on the bike.  No Trail Karens, not too many "On Yer Left" announcements.   I even managed to find a tree ripened mango for breakfast.

All in all it was a good morning.

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Sunday Morning, sunrise.  Time to get ready to go do big circles around the giant gas bag before the heat gets to be too much.  Life of a "Master" athlete.  Or at least that is what they call us who have the temerity to get off the couch after the age of 35 or so.

Remember, if it's on the TV, it's not sports, it's merely 'entertainment'.  Go move!






 
 Grocery store

I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and i ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

Then it was my turn.

The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

I nearly had a heart attack.

I said, “WHAT? For this?”

The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”