Saturday, June 25, 2022

It's so difficult to make a wrestler laugh. They're a tough audience.

 The closest thing I ever came to this was Bikers vs Skaters on the public trails.  There's a significant number of people that think they own whatever facility you are on and you should basically step off.

My normal response is "I'm bigger than you are and your Mom never taught you to play nice with others.  Oh and On Yer Left!"

So have a little military fun this early summer morning (Or winter if you are in Upside Down Land).

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a Coke.”

“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Rollerblading 23456.7 Miles With A Goal of Once Around The World On Skates

Get a picture he says.

Get a picture.  Get a picture.  Getapicturegetapicturegetapicture.

Bah humbug.

So I went out intending to Get A Picture of when it happened.  At least when the estimate of when it happened was.

I’m an Inline Skating Lifer.  Rollerblading.  Yeah that stuff, again.

You see, I started on this journey round about May 1993.  

Get Some Skates… It Looks Fun.  You Want Something Different Right?

I did.  I was a runner.  I used to run at Valley Forge National Park.  I had just injured my knee because I was also weightlifting and biking and all of that had started building muscle.  Muscle weighs more than fat per volume.  Keep pounding on those knees and eventually you become the stereotype of the tall man with bad knees.

Every time I went back to running, my knees made me quit.  I USED to run Valley Forge.  Three Times A Week, 10K (6.2 miles).  There’s one particularly nasty hill there that is about 50 feet and almost 45 degree incline, twice in short order.  That park has a challenging course.  My knees hated it after about 2 years, hence the transition to Bike and Skates eventually.

My routine was to do “once around the park” at night with my pocket sized shortwave radio.  The irony of running through George Washington’s Encampments of the Winter of 1777-1778 listening to BBC World Service was not lost on me.

So the bike did not get used.

“Hey! This is fun!”  Did a mile that first time.
“Lets go to Fairmount Park and skate this weekend”.

Always on a measured course.  Being “Numerically inclined” I kept a tally.  First year was 500 miles.

Records were kept on various methods, Palm Pilot, Lotus, Excel, and now on a spreadsheet on Libre Office on Linux.

I never stopped in the interim.  Every single year since then, I did at least a very little bit of skating – and some years were literally a mile.   Just to say I hadn’t given the sport up.  The year I moved to Florida, 2006, was one of those years.

Miles did add up.  I was over 20,000 miles before I made it to the full restart.
Broke a Clavicle 2200 miles later.
Broke the other Clavicle another 500 on.
Lesser athletes would have quit.

I Did Not.

In fact, I just got back today from scoping out a thrift store looking for things like spare parts and helmets and maybe a new pair of skates and ….

The world has changed a lot since I was a sponsored skater in Philadelphia and got free bearings chucked at me from time to time.  First you’re amateur, then sponsored, then pro.  Never made it to pro because the sport collapsed in the early 2000s.  Plus I was a bit old to be putting myself through all of that and I was enjoying a management lifestyle.

So no picture at “Exactly 23456.7 miles”?

First, no odometer.   There is probably a bit of wiggle room or flex in that measurement.

Second the location was a bit gross.  Right in front of a stop sign in front of a public restroom at Mills Pond Park in Fort Lauderdale.

Third, well I’m a bit shy and didn’t think it mattered.   That picture above… well it’s kind of generic.

But Rollerblading?  It’s my sport.   It is what I do.  When the sport collapsed I kept things alive as best I could.  

There is an old school footlocker on wheels taking up a third of the floor under my clothes in the closet that we call the “Skate Shop” that I store all sorts of fun bits and pieces.  If I need a new set of “Hybrid Ceramic 608Z Bearings”, they are in there.   Some rare parts that simply are not being made or are available online.

It took me 6 months to get the last set of 110MM wheels for the daily driver skates.  Six Whole Months.

So what is the goal?

Career Long, Once around the world.  That number is 24,901 miles… I could do the difference on the trails in Philadelphia in one season.  Down here, I think it may be next year.   I’d love to do a real marathon, but it would cramp my style.  My workouts are pared back to only 16.5 miles in summer heat, but in the cooler weather doing a marathon a week was easy.

So between that and cross training on the bike, if you see a blur fly past in bright colors feel free to ask me how many miles am I at.  I’m getting closer.  

Once I get to “Once Around The World” to settle my own head with the error problem in counting, I’m thinking going to 25,000 miles total and taking a break.

Or not.

Sunday, June 19, 2022

I have a few jokes about broken fighter jets but I am afraid none of them will fly.

 Ok, so we all told them.  Yes, you will giggle at this silliness because you told them too.  I'll not hear that you didn't.  Your inner 12 year old will love these.

Name Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall? Art

What do you call an arm on the wall? A piece of Art

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow on a pogo stick? A milkshake

What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother

What do you call who says everything you do, only louder?  Mike

What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?  Still, no eye-deer.

What do you call a dog with no legs that you walk?  Drag.

What do you call a dog with no legs in the family room?  Rug.

What do you call a dog with no legs you take deep sea fishing?  Bait.

What do you call a deaf dog with no legs?  Doesn’t matter, it isn’t coming anyway.

What do you call an elephant in your living room?  Lost

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head.? Dug.

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head.? Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head.? Cliff.

What do you call a man with a car on his head.? Jack.

What do you call a guy who shows up at your restaurant table after a meal?  Bill

What do you call a lady who only sings at Christmas?  Carol

What do you call a woman in a river? Flo

What do you call a man in a river? Corky

Saturday, June 18, 2022

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 Yeah well you have to really scramble Toga to get Goat but I think we have all had morning where you see double. 


A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced.
I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever swung from a vine!

When Jane came back, Tarzan was shocked. "I've tried to swing from that thing my whole life!" he said. "But it's impossible! And you managed it on the first try! How did you do it?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "Typical. I start dating a guy I like, and it turns out he can't drive a stick."

At a crocodile farm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal. "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million."

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

With enormous luck he survived, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced, "We have a brave winner! "

After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him he was very brave to jump. Then the man said, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!"

His wife smiled...

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Could This Be Blue Crab Season? In Wilton Manors? In Front of my House?

Too much of my life ends up happening on a workout.

I have managed to cobble together a rather aggressive schedule of distance cardio activities, and all that endurance training takes a lot of time.

Up at 5.  Walk the Dog for a Mile and a Third.
Walk the Dog for another Mile.

Twice a week, distance inline skate.
Twice a week, distance bike.

This was getting ready for the bike workout.

Step outside.  Comment on the steam bath that is late spring in South Florida.  Remind myself that it's already hotter Up North in Atlanta or Philly.

Go to the backyard.  Slap and kill a mosquito.
Unlock the bike from the bar.  Slap and kill a mosquito.
Tie the bike lock back on the bike, install the GoPro on the bike. 
Third Mosquito Meets Her Maker.

By the time I make it to the front yard, turn on all the electronic nonsense, and saddle up, I have killed five mosquitoes.

In three minutes.

As I am looking to start Runkeeper and be told "I'm Proud Of You!", I spot something in the middle of the street.  From that distance, I thought it was a leaf, but it moved strangely.

*shrug* May as well go look.

It turned out to be a little blue shelled crab.  "Awww, I've had your cousins before and they're tasty!"

I made it a point to put the camera a little too close for comfort to get this little creature, I'll call him Dr. Zoidberg, to move onto the grass and out of the traffic lane.

Outdoor Workouts are strange in South Florida.

The park I have been skating at has herds of Green Iguanas running all over the place.  It's like raptors in Jurassic Park. 

After the big rains we had last week, we have clouds of mosquitoes, obviously.  But we also had herds of crabs scuttling across the road bed like I had been magically transported to Australia. 

That part of the park also smelled like a really bad seafood restaurant that needed the department of health to close it down.  After all, in the battle of Crab vs Car, Car wins.

At least the buzzards and the herons did not mind picking up the mess.

Just watch when you're on your skates at speed.  Look big!  They scuttle away.

Since it's a park next to water, Mills Pond Park, there's always the possibility of larger water creatures deciding to take a snack on you.

I have never seen an alligator at that park, but I do remember visiting a different park in Dania Beach once.  I had to run with the dog off the dock because there was a gator getting a bit too close.

So when we say it's Tourist Season here... ask how it's being defined.  You may get a different answer!

Sunday, June 12, 2022

What do you call a nun with no name? Anunymous.

 I remember priests in the High School I went to describing Nuns who were older as "A Bit Too Nunny".

Then again, while my French Teacher from back then is still alive at 100, none of those priests are so ... Nyah.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks.

She simply answers, "No peer pressure."

A woman comes home late from work
She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.
She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says.
"Your parents decided to stop in for the night on their way back home. I let them have our room, I hope you don't mind."

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

Saturday, June 11, 2022

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Voting.

 A Bit cynical but lately ...

At any rate, when one is good... how about repeating it?

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans.

Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility.

And then, naturally, there were the volunteers. Many of the volunteers were quite popular with the scientists, but chief amongst them was Benny. Benny was the picture of human health, over 6 feet tall and in great shape due to the rigorous exercise regimen set for the subjects. As expected, Benny becomes the first human to be cloned en masse, owing to his impressive physical abilities.

The cloning process goes beautifully, with the facility now churning out dozens of new Bennies. However, there was one oddity that was observed. Every cloned Benny had experienced a pronounced growth in body hair, enough to make each Benny appear more like Bigfoot than Adonis. Curious, the scientists decided to take a random Benny from the batch of clones and shave all of his hair off. They dosed the Benny and put him under, restraining him and systematically shaving off the body hair that covered every inch of skin. Before long, they had completed their work, and sat back to watch in amazement the physical perfection that the Benny had hidden beneath so much hair.

At that moment, the heart monitor starts to beep frantically, eventually emitting a continual tone as the Benny's heart stopped. Somehow, shaving a Benny resulted in his death.

Devastated, the scientists solemnly bring the Benny to the crematorium on-site. There is a quick service, a moment of silence, and a goodbye to the unfortunate Benny. His body is then burned, leaving behind only some ash, given back to the scientists in an urn.

This happens a few more times, each experiment ending in failure, with no further understanding of the relationship between the Bennies and their hair. Soon, unable to take the grief, the scientists decide to halt the research into the Bennies' hair. Eventually, the director of the facility comes by the lab, and asks the chief scientist whether they would be continuing with the research into the cause of the overgrown body hair on the Bennies. The scientist, outraged and in mourning, grasps a jar full of a Benny's ashes and answered, "No sir, I believe at this point it is clear that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Making Massive Peeps in the Microwave For Fun And Entertainment

Standard Internet Warranty applies. will not be responsible for any Peeps harmed either by fire, microwave, or any other conceivable or inconceivable method.  Heating Peeps results in a substance that is hotter than the surface of the sun and most likely will result in burns if not handled carefully.  If you do not trust your abilities, consult an adult for required supervision. 

Do not taunt Peeps.  You have been warned.

We weren't the camping family.

Oh you know them... that's the family down the road a piece.  They have the offroad vehicle, well most folks do here in Los Estados Unidos these days but theirs is somehow tricked out.

They have a Roof Rack to pile all their absolutely necessary crap on top, so their spawn would ride comfortably inside. 

No, fellow babies, this was not a Mall Crawler, it saw mud.  My Jeep did as well but here in metro South Florida, that's not happening since it's paved as well as that file floor in Mom's Laundry Room from the Keys to Jupiter, Ocean to Everglades.  Too bad since we just had a bit of a gullywasher of a t-storm and of course I can't get out of the house without getting my ankles wet.

Anyway, that family would take themselves out to the Camping Site and disgorge themselves on Nature.  Not that Nature would want them but hey, there they are. 

I could call them The Griswolds but I'd be pushing the simile a wee bit thin.

In the family that just pulled up in the prime spot under THEIR pine tree, there is bound to be a boy.  Always a boy.  A little awkward in school, which is fine, we all were.  He had a fascination with some of the geekier things in life.  Chemical reactions, reasons for why you get caramel when you heat your sugars up, maybe he understood the Maillard Reaction or perhaps even how to make the 7th grade xmas recipe for peanut brittle when they allowed peanuts in a public school.

I guess I'm telling some of my own story, every blog is somewhat autobiographical.

Anyway, that kid made sure, darn sure that he had two things:
1) Marshmallows
2) Fire.

Once the sun dipped down under the horizon, the campfires lit.  That kid had sticks for the marshmallows and he toasted them and life was good.

But what about Peeps?  They're just marshmallows, right?  Coated in horrendous tasting sanding sugar, but still?  Won't they toast?

You bet your pre-teen bored kid self they toast.  And you were content until you got home.

Why just that bit?  Well you got home and that little bit of edge came out in your personality.  That heat that made your marshmallows taste so wonderful was just heat.  Never mind your kid sister who dipped her marshmallow in the fire and laughed when it burned to a crisp, you were going to do it "Scientificially!"

So, put the thing on a plate.  Mom and Dad are off to work, and you would have your hand on the stop button right?

Plate in place, BEEP BEEP Start!  15 seconds on high right?

Stop asking that kid to do your dirty work you know what you have a Monster Peep!  It is crawling out of the microwave all angry, foamy, and sweet.  But you opened the door and it's cooling rapidly.  That means it's shrinking back to "normal peep size"

So if you want a bit of excitement that only a toasted peep can give you, let the microwave help.  It's a lot easier than hauling the whole family out in the SUV to the middle of the New Jersey Pine Barrens to a camp site!

Here I sit, having a sugar high and a half caff tankard of coffee at my elbow.  Yes, fellow babies, I did nuke a Peep for you. 

But how did I get onto this tear?  It's a non-workout day for me, so being buzzed on coffee is not really a good thing.  Hey, it's at least honest.  You see I was corrupting the next generation.  Yes, passing on the mantle of the extreme peep was my job.  Last weekend I went to the market.  No, not the supermarket, a smaller one near us.  They were closing out Peeps.  Herding them out the door I guess.  And there was a clot of people in front of them.  When I told them what I was going to do with them everyone got excited.  Not everyone knew the story of the huge Peep so I was telling them. 

While no Peeps were harmed in the store... you can see the result. 

Microwave at your own risk.  I have a propane powered stove in the kitchen that will let me toast the little yellow blaggards in the comfort of my own home.  I don't even have to get into the Jeep and drive out to a campsite, but that will be our little secret, won't it?

Have a sweet day!

Sunday, June 5, 2022

Why can't the police find former wrestlers that turned to crime? They're hard to pin down

So if you are a fan of Sex and the City, you may recognize this as a later plot with Samantha.  Samantha was a lusty woman with a good sense of ... humor, and something very similar happened in her NYC apartment.


A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Saturday, June 4, 2022

If you hand someone a container of butane... You just passed gas.

3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of moving boxes full of old text books and other junk. They soon get bored and decide to explore the basement more. They find an old metal locker in the recesses of the huge basement.

It looked very old as it was rusty and covered in cobwebs. The 3 students try to open it up. Using all their might they finally get it open after 10 minutes of trying. As they open the locker a cloud of dust comes out, as it settles they see a skeleton.

The 3 students scream at the sight of this and run to tell the Janitor. Who upon looking at the skeleton tells the police.

The police forensics team come to the school to take some samples of the skeleton and remove it from the school.

Back in the lab they are finally able to identify the body by the sneakers that are still on the feet of the skeleton.

A detective informs the principal about the identity of the skeleton.

Rumors about the skeleton had spread across the school in the weeks since it was found. So to quell the hearsay he decides he will announce the news to the whole school.

He gathers the whole school into the auditorium and says:

"Boys and girls the skeleton that was found in our school basement by 3 of our students has been identified by the police. I can tell you the skeleton was the.....1952 school hide and seek champion"