Sunday, July 5, 2020

What do you call an American parallelogram? A parallelo-ounce.

Strictly speaking, that would be a paralelo-28th-of-an-ounce.

Since I insist on putting Dad Jokes up here on the weekends, whether I should or not, here is a joke purported to have been shared by an Actual Dad!

Yeah, I know, but here ya go!



This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.


A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The following day the preacher gave him 10. By the end of the week, the young man broke the church's all time record for the highest sale of bibles.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occured. He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man's secret.

So the preacher asked the man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,"I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them."

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Who is married to Antarctica? Uncle-Arctica






So this one here?  It's a two fer. 


As I like to try to find some connection, no matter how distant or thin that connection could be... this one reminds me of fathers.  

Or at least older guys.







A man gets in the hotel elevator

He hears a voice say "going up" and looks around, weirded out that he can't see anyone nearby who would have said that.
But when he chooses his floor, the voice says "door closing" and he realizes it was the elevator talking.

So, after his vacation has ended, he gets into the elevator with his suitcase.
When he pressed the ground floor button, the elevator says "goodbye son".
The man says "how can I be your son? You're just a machine."
And the elevator says "I brought you up, didn't I?"

----


There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said


“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just as shocked as you, and as shocked as me, so he went into the waiting room to tell this mans wife the news.

“Ma’am your husband is in great shape; he has the body of a 40 year old and the physique of a 20 year old, and I asked him how he kept in such good shape and he told me that he has a very relationship with the Lord, so much so that when he goes to the bathroom He turns the light on for him. So I was wondering if you knew anything about that.

The wife replied, “Well that would explain whose been peeing in the refrigerator every night!”

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

When Deleting Your Spare, Whether Jeep or Inline Skate, You Just May Need Them

Ok, so it's a weird collision of things that happened. 

I was thinking of how My Sport was back in the 90's.  Inline Skating was one of those things that grew rapidly and massively, and I mused often about how fun it would be to open up a Pro Shop for Skating. 

Then, the market changed, people left the sport, that dream vanished like the team that I was friendly with over the years. 

I still skate, and people are coming back but not like before.  The meets are gone, the teams are terminated, but still I roll on. 

I was out skating at the Pompano Airpark the other day.  I looked at the car, and leaned against the spare while trying to get all the crap set up to be able to "Skate At My Level" in this day and age.  A pint of ice water per 4 or 5 miles of South Florida Heat.  Two spools of surgical tape.  Scissors.  Allen Key.  Phone, headphones, padding to be able to listen to music.
Spare axles and bolts wrapped in plastic sit under the water in the "fanny pack" to carry all this nonsense.

I need to find another one that large.  While Fanny Packs are ludicrously out of style for most people, if you're on a trail working out, they can be a requirement.  You don't have enough hands to carry three sport bottles of water, and a Camelback Bladder gets "spoiled" after a couple uses.

When I was competitive back in Philadelphia through to the mid 2000s, I would skate 33 
miles, three times a week during season.  100 Miles.  162 Kms.  April to November.

That is why I have all that equipment.  I used to carry spare wheels in case I threw an axle or a wheel or...

"SNAP!".

What is going on?  I'm only two miles out. This is nothing of a distance. 

Vibration transmitted from the back wheel of my right skate boot.

"Something is going on with the push wheel, got to check at Three Mile Bench".


I was in limp along mode until then.  Vibration got really bad.  I was worried that push wheel would lock up and I'd be 100 KG of Moose Meat slamming onto the pavement.   Slowed down and sat.

I was presented with a wheel that had literally shattered and the hub had disintegrated into trail dust.

"Ho Lee CRAP! and no SPARE!".

Yes, I deleted the spare.  Just like the people who like to mod their Jeeps to go with those
tires that resemble donuts.  I was stuck on the trail and no spare to roll on.

8 wheels is now down to 7.  I removed that push wheel and moved a similar one on that boot to that spot.  I was using up my leftover wheels from the competitive era.  Down to the last of the 20 year old wheels, I was now using something I removed from a pair of cheap skates, literally.  They were set on top of a trash bin on bulk trash here.  While those boots were shredded, I was able to rescue the bearings and the wheels and use them both.

But that was years back.  I ran through all my "trash skates" and back catalog of old wheels.  They were from so long ago that the rigid plastic hubs turned into magic trail pixie dust that would trip some other poor soul if the hit it.

"Sorry!  On Yer Left!"

Got back on the trail and went a half mile.  Vibration started up again.  My Right Leg was vibrating enough to be an annoyance and looking down I saw I was back into that same problem again.

Sat down at Kevin's bench.  Wheel 2 is now shattered.  I had to scavenge a wheel from the
left boot and do a trail repair to be able to roll back to the jeep to get the spare skates.  Now down to Three Wheels On Each Boot.

Yes, I thought that having a spare pair of skates two and a half miles away was a good idea.  Usually when an inline skate wheel dies, it's due to the Urethane pulling away from the hub.  Not ancient plastic shattering away from the bearings.

Got back on the trails again and you guessed it.  I replaced that shattered push wheel again with a wheel from the left boot, and moved things around.  The Two Front Wheels were from an older set of wheels that strangely were holding up.

My last mile was in Limp Along Mode.   I had two wheels out of four on the right leg, three on the left.   Speed was shot, I was hot and tired from sitting in the sun repairing skate trucks and moving wheels around.

I rolled back to the Jeep and thought about that deleted spare.  That's why when you rework your skates, and remove one from the Truck, Rails or Frames to you noobs, you save two of them. 
In my own experience, you rest on your heels, push from them and sweep the leg so that the foot leaves the ground from the toe. 

The Push Wheel ends up being the back wheel on an inline skate and wears out fastest. 

Save that one in case of emergency...

Like this.

I won't delete my Spare again.  More crap to carry but it's worth it.

Now that I am home, I have work to do.  Each boot needs two wheels each.


Sunday, June 28, 2020

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber.

There's a sign behind a bar in Alaska...


"Your tab paid if you drink a toe whisky, fight a bear and make love to a Lumber-Jane"

A guy has been drinking all day and realises his tab might be bigger than his wallet so he asks the bartender about the sign.

"Sure, you just drink a big glass of that whisky with the toe in it, giving the toe a nice kiss.
 Then we got a bear that come round back and messes with the trash and you gotta send her packing. Finally, Mary-Jane is the girl with arms like Popeye. Seduce her and you tab is paid"

The guy agrees and gets poured the whisky with the toe. In two gulps he manages to drink it all, then fishes out the toe and gives it a kiss.

Dropping the toe back in the bottle, the bartender says "well that's the first one done. Go see if that bear is around"

Wobbling outside, the man goes round to the trash bins and finds a huge grizzly sniffing around.

"I ain't watching this" says the barman and heads back inside. Through the window there is the sound of growling, shouting, roaring, screaming, clawing and gnashing for about 30 minutes.

Finally the door opens and the man crawls in.  "Alright, where's this woman I've got to fight?"

Saturday, June 27, 2020

What's black and white and goes "oom! oom!"? A cow walking backwards.

I have a habit of playing a game with names.  Not with people's names, they tend to get attached to them.  This is with dogs.  If I hear a strange word, I consider how it would sound if I was trying to call my dog back to me. 

It's strange enough calling "Rack" back, but he seems to like to be called, regardless.

There was Ubu who used to sit on TV.  Things like that.

Then there is this particular guy.



A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.

Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

What Are Fridge Bread And Butter Pickles And Why Haven't I Tried This Before Now?

I am on Day Three of letting this brew in the fridge.  Opened one jar up and started nibbling.

I finished the Jar.

They Were THAT Good!

I think the answer to that is my father.

Being from a German family in Easton Pennsylvania, he always loved to have Pickles. 

One day I tried them.  YUCK!  His pickles were salty and strong, garlicky and overly peppery and spicy.  No thank you!

I got well past that, never willingly had another one until I was well past my teens.  I then tried what they called a "Bread and Butter" pickle.  

"Hmm, I rather like this!"

They are called that because people during The Depression had plain bread with butter on it, put pickles on it, and called that a sandwich. 

Luckily we have better these days since that is just carbs and fat.

Even though we do, these pickles are well worth the hour it took for me to make five jars of them. 

This is from the gift that keeps giving.  Ann, down the block, asked me to help her clear out her fridge and gave me a big ol' bag of fruit and vegetables.  The Apples were made into an Apple Pie.  The Carrots I snacked on.  The Oranges are split between me and Oscar.  

And two Cucumbers.   I was low on pickles, and remembered my Cousin in Nebraska makes these all the time because "These are so darn easy!".   I think he added a "Go Big Red" after it, not sure.

So I tried.  It's basically Mc Cormick's recipe, so if you can't understand me, try there.   I did add a teaspoon of Celery Seed, a half teaspoon of Ground Cloves, and a teaspoon of Turmeric.  Consider that last bit optional.  I subbed in a whole white onion instead of using the 1/2 cup of dried onions because I had the onion.  I rather liked that pickled too!


Ingredients:

  • 2 Pounds (1 Kilo) of Cucumbers, sliced and cleaned
  • 1 Pound (one medium where I shop) Whole Sweet Onion  (White, Vidalia, or similar)
  • 2 Cups White Distilled Vinegar (5% acidity)
  • 2 Tablespoons of Non Iodized Salt (Don't really know why not iodized, it worked for me)
  • 2 Teaspoons Pickling Spice
  • 2 Teaspoons Whole Mustard Seed
  • 1 Teaspoon Ground Turmeric (for color)
  • 1 Teaspoon Celery Seed
  • 1/2 Teaspoon Ground Cloves

Process:

  • Clean and cut your Cucumbers and Onions into at least 1/8 inch thick slices.
  • Fill sterilized jars with Cucumber and Onion pieces allowing 1/2 inch of room at the top.
  • To a 3 quart/liter sauce pan, add Vinegar and all of the spices.
  • Bring the mixture to boil and reduce heat to Simmer and stir constantly.
  • Cook the mixture for 5 Minutes minimum until all the sugar has dissolved
  • Ladle the mixture into the jars to cover the Cucumbers and onions.
  • Seal jars and allow to cool before placing in refrigerator.
  • Shake the jars daily.
  • Allow the jars to "steep" in the mixture a minimum of 3 days before enjoying.
  • Shake the pickles every third day.
  • Enjoy your pickles within 2 months and store in refrigerator.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Some guys will stand 5’8” away from you and call it 6’.

Wow, A Joke in Metric and you don't even need to know that a Meter is 10 Percent more than a Yard!



Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe and sits down and remarks, “Wow, that looked really fun! Can you tell me about your stunts?”

Yeah, of course!” The Frenchman replies. “It’s called bungee jumping- all you need is 10 meters of sturdy rope and you’re set. ”

The Moroccan is delighted to know that he doesn’t need any qualifications and goes to buy some a sturdy rope from a nearby store. After his purchase, he climbs to the top of a mosque, tethers the rope to a secure fastener and jumps. But instead of bouncing up and down, he hits the ground at full speed and dies instantly.

The Moroccan police launch an investigation and detain the Frenchman and the store clerk. The police ask the Frenchman what he taught the Moroccan and the Frenchman says that he was precise in his measurements and doesn’t know how he could have died. “I swear, I told him to get only 10 meters of rope!” he exclaims.

“Oh, Merde!” the clerk suddenly exclaims. “He did ask me for 8 meters of rope, but because I know his cousins, I gave him 5 extra meters for free!”

Saturday, June 20, 2020

A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it but I think that's a bit far fetched.

I guess I am feeling generous because here you have a triple play.  Three short jokes.

Ba dum bum bum... er bum?



Heavy carry-on

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”



Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"




Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.


Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the good doctor says.

“What’s the good news?” she asks.

“He’ll live” the doctor replies.

“So, what’s the bad news” she inquired.

“Well, he wasn’t wearing a helmet and he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

It's a McNab Dog's Life With Rack

All my dogs have been Rescues.

They have both been McNab Dogs or a cross.

Not that there is anything wrong with a Golden Retriever, they are a living hug.  German Shepherds are great dogs, but I'm a big guy and people shy away from me already.  There are a lot of Greyhounds around that need homes, and if you ever want something on your couch sleeping, they are a good bet since they are mellow and regal in their bearing.

But I have a McNab.  They're not well known outside of their native California, except with cowboys and ranchers and farmers.  I am none of that, I did IT in my career.

Not being well known is a good thing.  The breed hasn't been wrecked by overbreeding.

Rack is an interesting character though.

You see, there seem to be two different kinds of McNabs.  The kinds that have to be heavily and independently occupied are working dogs with a Capital W.  They're the ones that you send out to the back 40 to round up the cows and expect them to work those beasts to better than your best expectation.

Rack is, well he's different.

He got off to a bad start.  I expect that it was because he's allergic to chicken and grain.  They probably fed him that and it might be why I ended up with him in the first place.

Having to pick up something that looks like Melted Soft Serve Ice Cream from the living room
rug twice a day until I found out what caused it was uncomfortable to say the least.

Also he has a strong fear of Diesel Trucks and Loud Noises.  I'm guessing the first owner was either a hunter or a truck driver and fed him some KFC one too many times in the cab of the truck.

No matter what breed, an intelligent dog needs a job.  It's true for Rack, as well as it is true for any Border Collie, Kelpie, Poodle, or Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

That last one is the only small dog I would consider.  They are in the "Top Ten" intelligent dog lists.  If I ever need to slow down who knows what will happen.

I am his job.

You see, while those ranchers won't sell a City Person a McNab, many of these same dogs
are smart enough to know that life on the farm is not for them.  They simply "up and leave".  The dog goes missing and needs a home.

Shelters in Northern California, Reno Nevada, Fresno, and similar places are chock full of these amazing dogs.  I've said I want to just drive my Jeep around those areas with the doors off of the car and the roof down and if a dog chooses to jump in, I'll have my next one.

That would take a four day drive so it isn't going to happen.  Some nice ideas are just best being ideas only.

Those dogs were on a farm because a person thought they knew best.  Usually they do, sometimes not.

All day long, I am home.  I'm up before dawn.  We go for our first mile walk and by the end I'm being towed home so he can get water and food.  Then off to his corner where he guards against the evil delivery trucks.

He can spot a UPS truck before that thing gets onto my block.

If I get out of my desk and walk somewhere, I usually will hear paws on the pavement, toes on the tiles.  Turn around and the white tip of a tail is heading back to His Place In The Corner.

My fault, I keep half of the house blocked off because I would rather have a wet nose on my elbow once an hour than be alone here to my music on the noise-canceling headphones.

When I am finished, my rocker is next to His Spot.  I'll entertain myself while he's there sleeping.  Next to me, I'll look down at the DogBall (TM) that is resting there.

Whoever said "it's a dog's life" never met us.


He knows the neighborhood, and will choose our routes.   I make it a point to do more than two miles a day, and a true farm dog will walk many times that.

I'm more like a greyhound anyway.  If I am not on my skates burning 2000 calories a workout, or weightlifting on off days, I'll lounge around.

Can't use the Bowflex with a dog nosing your toe lifts so he's excluded.

Ironically I got Lettie, my first McNab Dog Of A Lifetime to be a companion on my own skate workouts.  She could not keep up so we didn't take her on my trips.  I would skate 100 miles a week in peak season and we thought it best not to do that to a dog, even if I would have shortened my distances for her.

The thing is that if you include a dog in most of your activities, you will find a balance, and you will find peace.

Isn't that why our species have grown together all these centuries?

Sunday, June 14, 2020

I tried giving a giant a pedicure. It was no small feat.

Any time I find a good story I like it.  The more Double Entendres, double meanings, I can find, the better.




A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"