Saturday, January 19, 2019

I have the memory of a wooly mammoth. It's like an elephant's, but a little fuzzy

You would hope that they are better than this but I'll leave it up to you to form an opinion, in general.   All I know is I laughed when I got to the end of this story.



A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

I'm not moving but I wonder if it isn't time to change my area code to somewhere really random

I have been through this before.

My phone number has 8 of 9 numbers either repeating or in sequence.  It is a popular one to use.

That's the problem.  More people than I are using it.

I end up going through "fusillades" of wrong numbers.

If you are presented with a form that wants you to fill in name, address, and phone number, and it is a legitimate use, you enter your own correct information.

But you want to sign up for a discount card and you don't want the company of the day calling you and emailing you and harassing you for a measly dollar off coupon what do you do?

Many people use my phone number.

Mind you, sometimes I never hear it.

The last really big problem ended up with my blocking every single car dealer in South Florida.  Some clown, and I have stronger names for those people, used my number on an intake form at a car dealership.

I don't know, maybe they were giving away a set of CDs or some such nonsense that this person really wanted.

Good luck getting that number removed.

Over the span of about 2 weeks I had to have had about 100 phone calls from multiple people at specific dealers talking to a potential customer about what great deals they have.

Except.

That wasn't me, it was my phone, and I am quite happy with my Classic-Car-Almost-Antique 2002 Jeep  Wrangler.

I'd be a fool to give that car up. 
It has the 4 Liter inline six cylinder motor for crying out loud. 
Designed by AMC for crying out loud!
For crying out loud!

Why would I want some junky Volkswagen?  (aren't they all?  Dieselgate anyone?)

Every time I got a call, I'd block the number. 

I installed Mr Number to do the heavy lifting for me.
I block any "Unknown" or "Spam Suspected" calls.
Area Code 732 is blocked completely.

Ok, that last one is because it's chock full of Indian Recruiters from Edison NJ.  I have zero connections in that area code.  If you are a recruiter, be from where I am at, or be from where the company is at, and have a signed contract to represent that company.

Anyway...

I get a wrong number about twice a day since the US is so abysmal in protecting the rights of customers.  I guess a Congressman has to allow us to be abused because they are being paid by the lobbyists to allow them to spam people.

The other day, coming back from the park and a workout, they struck.

I was stuck in traffic waiting for the light and construction at Federal Highway and Commercial Blvd in Fort Lauderdale.  My phone rang. 

Random person identified with a name I didn't know.

I did what I do with "Rand-o's"  I picked up and said nothing.
Neither did they.

They tried back three times.
In FIVE minutes.

After that it was someone else.  BangBangBangBang.

Today it was someone asking about real estate in Sarasota.   Then they texted me with the same question.

"When can I talk to you about property in the Sarasota Florida Area?"

I texted back "Never.  Someone gave you my wrong number so they could sign up for a give away".

People, don't ever do that.  Almost all numbers in the US in most urbanized areas are used.  You are only shifting your problem onto someone else.

So I'm debating where I want my phone to live.

Not me, just the phone number.

Somewhere I have never been, and never intend to be.

Idaho?  Rural Montana?  Some terrible place like Mississippi?

Mississippi is the place in the US that almost everyone can look down at due to the obvious things like low scores on education, civil rights, and economy.  And more!

Think of Norfolk UK and all those jokes about the people there.

So I am debating. 

I have had this number here in Fort Lauderdale since 2003.  I got it when we decided we were going to move here, and we did three years later.  Family and friends have this number.

So having some weirdly random area code like an area in a rural area means I have to give it out, explain it isn't local because "Reasons", and then block any calls from that area code.  If I do that, the robocallers won't get through and it will be quiet again.

I hear that Mobile Alabama can be nice in the winter, but Alabama?  It's only one state better than Mississippi!

At least I would be able to drive home from the park and not be asked to buy a condo in Sarasota, no matter how nice it would be there.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

The other day I fell asleep on a clock. I actually woke up on time

Another one that meets the "Does He Laugh The Second Time Around" test.  Then again, It's a quiet morning when I am piecing this together.


One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Motorcycle?”

Saturday, January 12, 2019

I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity. It was about time.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Once Again, Walk In The Grass, Rack

A Police Officer who was a dog handler once said: "On their best day, they're still a dog."

Then again, I heard of a rancher who once said: "If you can't train a McNab, you can't train a dog."

Toe-may-toes, Toe-mah-toes.

You see, my boy Rack has a problem.  He's got horrible aim.

Oh, sure, he lifts his leg often.  But as we're walking along, I make sure that my own leg is well away from his. 

I don't think I need to be watered, I'm quite tall enough.

Stand upwind, about 4 to 6 feet away, and watch where he's going.

He's pure black and white, with a bit of yellow on his feet after a walk.

Oh I have heard many male dogs suffer from bad aim.  You can't really train him to "sit down" while he pees, I would expect the problem move from one of his feet to a big ol' stripe down his white patch on his belly.

I gave up obsessing about his aim.  After all, he's about 5 now.  He's doing what he's going to do and that's that.

Early on, we realized we had a problem with him being crosseyed when he's pointing, figuratively of course.  Since there's a porch in front of the house and the water spigot for the garden is right there next to the porch, we solved it.  A Semi Permanent addition to the porch is a garden hose with a spray attachment is sitting draped over the iron railing and charged with water.

Water saver, of course.

We fell into a routine.

I would successfully get out of the way of his watering efforts, then when we get home, I would use the hose. 

Every.  Blasted.  Walk. 
Three.  Times.  A.  Day.

I take him to the hose, soak down his feet.  The white part of his legs, all four of them, turn from yellow to white.  He is no longer a "Yellow Footed Collie" but a "Wet Footed Collie".

Originally we would go inside at this point but that left little paw prints of water everywhere and I found myself going to find the mop more often than not.

Then I got the bright idea to walk him once around the tree in front of the house.  I stopped that when I realized my own feet had tramped down a path making the house look wrong.

So Training the Dog to walk around the yard on his own was successful.

Him walking in the grass would get extra water off his feet and brush his toes to get any extra detritus from between them. 

A strategically placed mat inside the door soaked up what was left.

However, "On His Best Day..."  He would act like a kid.

Once out into the yard, he'd start cutting corners.  Shorter loops around the car, and eventually he is skipping the grass all together.   More things are getting tracked indoors.

Does this sound like a five year old kid to you? 

Eager to please but needing an adjustment, I started telling him to go back out and do it again.

And again... until he manged to walk the grass.

Turf, really, this St Augustine Grass we have in South Florida is more like a carpet or that fake astroturf stuff they put in football stadiums that isn't all that pleasant to fall on.

It's taken him about a week to get used to the routine, but Dog Logic being Dog Logic, it's not completely perfect.

He now thinks that you do it twice.  Once to cut corners, a second time to actually walk the grass around the car.

At least it's getting done. 

He seems to like the routine.  As he's doing it "wrong" the first time, he's got a smile on his doggy face. 

"Nope!  Walk in the grass, Boy!".  
Brown eyes flash at me, smile resets, and he does it right.
When he gets out to the tail of the car "Good Boy!" and I get a "wag right" to prove that he's happy about it all.

Happy dog wags tail right, not-completely-happy dog wags tail left.

Ok, so it's not perfect, but it is entertaining.


Sunday, January 6, 2019

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other how do you drive this thing




I see a lot of stories, and a lot of jokes.  Many of these are just dumb.  Hopefully, I let them slide, although a few of them end up here.



I will say that I could totally see myself getting involved in a prank like this one.  The Long Game I think it is called.

After all, most of the pranks that the kids in my neighborhood used to pull, not me of course, but "them", like Ding Dong Ditch are spoiled by the "Ring" cameras people have on porches to catch Porch Pirates are not something you should let your kids do today.

Prank Calls are not exactly something that has the same input if your name is going to show up on their smart phone, and yours on theirs. 

However, this story definitely brought a smile to my lips...





A man runs a well-known bakery. One day, a kid enters his bakery.




"Hello, sir. Do you have spinach pies?"

"I'm sorry, buddy... I don't have them right now..." - said the man.

The kid leaves. On the next day, 2 kids enter the bakery.

"Hello, sir." - say the kids at unison - "Do you have spinach pies?"

"Sorry, kids, I'm afraid I don't have spinach pies today..."

The kids leave. On the next day, 3 kids enter the bakery.

"Hello, sir!" - they said at the same time - "Do you have spinach pies?"

"I've already told you that I don't have spinach pies! Please, leave!" - said the man, already losing his temper.

On, the next day, 4 children entered the bakery and asked the man if he had spinach pies, only to get the same answer. And on the next day, 5 children entered the bakery to ask the man if he had spinach pies. On the next day, 6 children entered the bakery to do the same godforsaken question. This went on, and on...

At the dawn of the 30th day, the man was more than ready. He had been awake all night cooking spinach pies to finally shut up all the children that had been asking him for spinach pies. He flips the bakery's sign and waits for the children. Not 5 minutes had passed when exactly 30 children entered the bakery.

"Hello, sir!" - they all said in unison - "do you have spinach pies?"

"YES, YES! I HAVE SPINACH PIES! HERE, TAKE THEM ALL!"

The children look at the pies. After some seconds, a small voice is heard:

"They look kinda yucky, don't they?"

Saturday, January 5, 2019

What does a redneck say before he dies? Hey watch this!

A bartender refused to serve a drunk man at a bar last night

He told him to be on his way because of all the trouble he was causing. "Fine," the man said, "I'll go now."
As he tried to leave the bar, he kept falling flat on his face.
He wondered why this kept happening until he later spoke with his girlfriend.
The man tells her, "I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face!
The girlfriend replied, "You idiot. That's because you left your wheelchair at the bar again.."


And if that was not enough...


Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry - we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry we still have one engine left."

By then, though, the man sitting next to me turns and says, "Damn son, we lose one more engine and we'll be staying here all day."

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

In Florida, If Car > Iguana, and Buzzard > Iguana, then Buzzard = Car?

Welcome to Mutual of Florida Wild Kingdom where Native Species sometimes win out.

Once upon a time there was a pristine land where Puma roamed free and nary a hibiscus was found.

This was South Florida.

Then "we" moved in and changed things.

A few "swamp rats" of various kinds moved into the land that was dry enough to support us.

People.  We changed the place.

We have all put a heavy thumbprint on the land, no matter which group of people you are referring to.

Clearing the land to allow for homes of various ilk.  Then someone got the bright idea to drain the forests and the river of grass to create more land.

Sure, it worked but when the North emptied out into the place after the Second World War and the invention of practical air conditioning, we brought what we thought should be in this climate.

South Florida is an artificial landscape.

Those Palm Trees we plant everywhere don't belong.  Nor do the Hibiscus, the Orange Groves, and the Bottle Brush Trees.

Most of this stuff comes from Asia and Australia.

We also brought our animals.

There are roving packs of dogs and cats, of course.  Large amounts of Razorback and other feral hogs living in the forests.  There are flocks of parrots that visit from time to time that chatter at me and mine while I am out working on the swimming pool that does not belong, either.

Someone got the foolish idea that having an Iguana as a pet would be great until they started escaping.

These green dinosaurs run all over the place eating up the plants that we brought with us like they're candy.

You can't share with an iguana, don't even try it.  They won't leave your hibiscus or your orchids in peace, if they can get to them.

Every so often one of these creatures meets up with a car.  They run at full speed across the streets in front of my house looking for choice bits of plants.

Until, Crunch.

Then you get to watch them as they move onto their next existence.

After they finish thrashing, they'll become food for whatever animal chooses to visit.

In the case of the last one, it was a buzzard.  It had just about a six foot wing span when it landed.  Or rather I should say when they landed because they're quite skittish.  Once one gets there, another tries to run it off so it can get to the choice pieces of Iguana before the other and they trade off.

Not a problem for me, I'm all for the Buzzards, after all they belong.  Green Iguanas do not belong in this ecosystem and anything that gets rid of them I'm all for that as well.

Even if it is a Ford or Goodyear and it ends up on my neighbor's driveway.

Fascinating to watch.  If you have to watch a dinosaur get eaten, may as well be on your neighbor's driveway! 

I'd just rather not clean up after it all.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

My New Year revolution is to never use autocorrect again.

Remember, fellow babies!  Always be very very specific when you give directions. 

I knew someone who thought that the blue lines on a map were secret roads and could be used as short cuts.  Tell that to someone who tried to drive on the Delaware River!



Something for that cough


The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmacist” for some advice.

“I need something for this cough. It has kept me up all night, I’m exhausted. My wife says I’m keeping her up, as well”.

The man appeared quite tired, and the pharmacists’ son knew ‘just the thing’ to give the ailing man.

“Here you go sir. Take two tablespoons of this, and it will cure what ails you.” He rang up the elixir, and the man thanked him, and immediately took a swig.

About a half hour later, the pharmacist/father returned to the pharmacy.

“How did things go?”, he asked his son, “I see you made some sales,”

“Father, all went well. I did, however, give away some advice, though. An extremely tired man came in with a terrible cough. I couldn’t help but giving him something that would work”

“What did you tell him?” The pharmacist worried...

“I told him two tablespoons of cod liver oil would cure that cough immediately.”, replied the son.

“COD LIVER OIL!! that’s no cough elixir! That will do nothing for his cough!!” The pharmacist began to break a sweat, knowing surely he would be hearing from this irate customer in the next few days..

“Father, you are incorrect! Over there, through the window! See the man, holding on tight to the light pole with his legs crossed tight? That joker ain’t gonna cough any time soon!!”

Saturday, December 29, 2018

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon... I'll let you know.

I see these beasts all over the neighborhood. 

Unfortunately.

Since someone is feeding them around here, they are breeding.  Or a more accurate way to describe that is that since we're overrun with ducks, she's feeing the foxes.

Remember, fellow babies, if you're buying food for the ducks, you're feeding the ducks to the foxes.

But that is neither here nor there.    Just keep them out from under my Jeep.  They're lousy at cleaning up after themselves!



A man walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arms...

He places each one on a stool, orders beers for each and himself, then heads to the toilet.

The bartender has seen it all, but figured he'd ask the duck's how they're doing. As he sets the beer in front of the first duck he asked his name, how he is and what he did today?

Duck responds: My name's Huey and I'm great because I've been outside playing in puddles all day!

Second duck responds: My name's Dewey and I'm great too because we've been outside playing in puddles all day!

He goes to the third duck and says, "I guess your name is Louie?"

Third duck says, "No, my name is puddles. Don't ask me about my damn day!"