Sunday, December 17, 2017

Hey Girl, are you a bible? Cause you look like you haven't been picked up in a long time.

When I was growing up, I had a good friend, Dan.  His mom was from El Paso, Texas.  Diane was her name.  She was a fascinating character who put up with my teenage foolishness, way more than a grownup should have.  But she had a talent.  There is a tradition in the Southwest of the Cowboy Story Teller.  She had a bit of that in her, and it was always quite interesting to listen to her talk about the days back in El Paso.

Even if you never got to meet Diane, I could totally see her do this.


Cowboy dies and heads to heaven

A longtime cowboy meets St Peter soon after his death. Business has been brisk at the Pearly Gates so St Peter has instituted a 3 question test to see if you qualify to enter heaven. It’s a fairly simple test to avoid being prejudicial in any way

StPeter asks the 1 st question of the cowboy: how many days of the week start with he letter “t”.
The old fellow thinks a bit and answers with a drawl, “well, I figure all of them do”. St. Peter chuckles and says “there are only 2, Tuesday and Thursday but not the rest. But I’m curious about your answer”. The cowboy looks at St Peter and says “ well y’all right bout there being 2 but they is T’day and T’morra”. St. Peter is delighted by the answer and decides to ask the next question.

“How many seconds are there in a year?”
The cowboy ponders for a moment and answers “12”. St Peter chuckles again and says “Not even close, how did you figure that.”
The old fella says “well there’s January 2nd, February 2nd .... and December 2nd”. St. Peter is amused by the answer and the cowboys oblique approach to the questions so he decided to more to the final question.

“What is Jesus’s first name?” The cowboy answers immediately, “Andrew” St Peter, now beyond doubting the cowboy’s logic, asks, “Ok, how do you know that?” The cowboy replies, “I learned it at church from that song” “Which song?” St. Peter asks, clearly confused.

The cowboy replies, “ Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me ......

Saturday, December 16, 2017

I saw an elephant crossing the road. I called him a Chicken.

I guess I have a theme today.  Elephant Jokes!  Ok, just two of them.



How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

Student: Sir can i have a question?
Teacher: Yes!

Student: how do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
Teacher: I don't know

Student: its easy you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!
Teacher: okay ask!

Student: how do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
Teacher: It's easy you, open the fridge and put it in.

Student: No sir! You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.
Teacher: ohhh.. Ok!

Student: let me ask another one, If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
Teacher: the Lion of course! Because it would eat all the animals.

Student: No sir, it is the donkey because it is still inside the fridge.
Teacher: are you kidding me?!

Student: no sir! One last question.
Teacher: ok!!

Student: If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?
Teacher: There's no way, i would need a boat to cross.

Student: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Homemade Bisquick Substitute and Biscuits

I got into a bind.  We had just come home from shopping and I meant to get bisquick.

I wanted it in the house so I could make biscuits.

I have two recipes. 

One is on here as my Cream Biscuit recipe, and it usually tastes more rich.  They should since they are loaded with whipping cream.  I can hear a proper Southern Woman saying, of course, honey, y'all have to have fat in your biscuits.  She would want me to try it with ice cold butter and cutting it in and ...

Nah, too complex.  The cream biscuits are really quite good.

The other one is using Bisquick.  (Little R in a circle, trademark of General Mills and Betty Crocker and ...so on).  Bisquick is fine, and it's a fine product, but we just don't use it enough to keep it here enough that I get good and reproducible results.

It's two parts Bisquick to one part milk, bake at 450 for about 10 minutes or until done.

But... how hard can it be to make your own mix like a substitute for Bisquick?

Turns out that it is not hard at all.  And this is a small quantity so you can double, triple, or whatever the upscale factor is that you need.

This is enough to make 5 biscuits.  Just add 4.4 ounces of milk - 125 grams.  Bake at 450F for 10 minutes or until done.

(Where did I hear that before?)

Ingredients:


  • 2 cups All Purpose Flour
  • 1 Tablespoon Baking Powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon Salt
  • 2 Tablespoons Butter - At Room Temp or Partially Melted


Process:


  • Add the first three ingredients to a mixing bowl dry.
  • Blend the ingredients somewhat.
  • Add butter and mix until the mixture is even and lumps are gone.



To use for biscuits, add 4.4 ounces or 125 grams of cold milk to the bowl
Mix until somewhat blended but do not over mix.
The mix should be sticky.
Bake at 450F for 10 plus minutes or until done.

May be doubled, add extra butter, or smother with sausage gravy.

After all, 5 lonely biscuits won't really last you long will they?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Yo mama so dumb, She asked me the number of '911'

If you have ever read instructions and thought "Instructions unclear, installed third eye" this one is for you.



A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to "spend time" with her.  (Use your imagination, I cleaned it up)

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Saturday, December 9, 2017

A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

This is definitely a Dad Joke.  I've heard it told a couple times, and while I groan, I always have enjoyed it.



How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside.

He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember the details, but he did the whole trip barefoot, and by the end of the trip his callouses on his feet were so thick he could practically walk on hot coals.

He hardly ate or slept on his March to the sea, he power walked the whole thing.

The thing about doing strenuous exercise without much food is, your body starts breaking down other fuel, like muscles and connective tissues, and your breath gets this sickly sweet smell to it, like rotting fruit.

So, you could say Gandhi was a

Super calloused Fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe

Barbecue Potato Chips.

I was the weird kid that really truly enjoyed these.  I learned early that the Redder The Better because there was more flavor on them.

So I went looking, found lots of recipes on how to make this, and ended up tweaking to get this recipe.

It's the powder that you sprinkle on potato chips to turn them into BBQ Chips after putting it in the oven.

I have been dipping tortilla chips into it and knocking off the "excess" the last couple days and, Yeah!, pretty darn good too!

This is a smallish recipe, and can be scaled up easily if you find you like it.

I bet it could also go into a cheese shaker or a salt shaker for use as a condiment on the table.

I know I like this on a baked potato, and the little bit I need isn't enough for me to worry about the calorie count, or whatever else is in it.

Yes, there is salt and brown sugar in the recipe.  Depending on how you use it, it's possible that the salt can be left out.

You know... season to taste?  Especially good on bland foods.

Oh one last thing that I noticed when I put that pic together?  It's a great way to use up your old or out of date spices.  If you look at that pic really closely... you will notice that the date stamped on top of the Onion Powder is 2013.  It's now 2017. 

Oops!


Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe


Ingredients:


  • 1 Tablespoon Paprika
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon packed brown sugar (I used Dark)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper


To Prepare:

Mix everything in a jar thoroughly.

To Use:

Dust the surface of the food to taste after cooking.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!

I love Aretha's music so any chance to say it I'm all for... but being Sunday, that's not why you are here, is it?  Bad jokes anyone?

Oh and a little back story here.  Key West is at the end of the Florida Keys.  Coming back to the mainland it is 120 miles of beautiful turquoise waters, tiny little islands full of houses built on stilts, and places to stay.  Miami is 160 miles from Key West, and I am 190 from Key West. 

If I remember right.  It's a long drive.  Four hours...



Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The 'fool' had a paper route”



Saturday, December 2, 2017

How do both Santa and Ebeneezer Scrooge keep their hair so lustrous? With Ho Ho Bah!

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Growing Ginger in Containers or How We Stumbled Upon A Thing

I say Stumbled Upon because like a lot of my ideas, it was due to a rapid fire exchange of ideas with a
From the Wikipedia.com article on Ginger
https://en.wikipedia.com/wiki/ginger
good friend of mine up in the Atlanta suburbs, Craig.

You see Craig and I have been exchanging ideas on what to plant for a while.  The Climate there is about the same as I had in Philadelphia, Zone 7a or 7b depending on whether you live on the East or West of Philly.

When I lived there, I would fill my back deck with dozens of pots that would all march their way indoors by Halloween or whenever the first cold snap into the mid 30s would happen.

That would be a low of 2 or 3 C for the Fahrenheit Impaired.

Apparently with Ginger, you don't have to be so concerned.  The plants will die back in colder areas and Zone 8 should be fine - that's 10F or about -7C.  Colder than that and it's a container plant.

I had mentioned that we were given a pot of Variegated Ginger and wondered if it was the same "stuff" that I use when I stir fry chicken.  He said No, but you can grow that stuff from the stores.

We banged it back and forth and the method we put together was this.

  • First, get yourself a piece of ginger with a lot of "fingers" on it. 
  • Select a finger about the length and size of the first joint of your thumb to the length of your thumb.
  • Wash all the pieces you wish to plant in Dish Soap thoroughly.
  • Don't bruise the skin while washing the pieces.
  • No, you didn't wash it enough, repeat the wash another two or three times.
  • Plant in well drained soil, or a pot, and wait.
  • Water periodically and hope that the Squirrels don't put peanuts in the pot.

The reason why I mention those damn Squirrels is my neighbors feed them raw peanuts.  They grab the peanuts and bury them in my pots.  I have peanuts growing in about a quarter of the pots I have out back.

It is the same thing with me, I guess.  I'm the kind of guy that throws pieces of tomato or fruit that is past its prime in the garden and watches to see if it grows.  Win-win, if it doesn't I get fertilizer for this beach sand we call soil here.

I had actually forgotten that I put those thumbs in the ground in my front garden because when I walked out there one afternoon, I noticed that two ginger plants were mixed in with all the other confusion that I have out front.

I dug them up and then put into a pot, minus the peanut plants, so I could watch over them.

Ginger does not seem to mind being crowded in a pot, so you can plant it and grow it "Up North".

Now, if you live in a zone that is on the edge, like my sister does in Zone 7b Cherry Hill, NJ, you may be able to "get away with it" in the ground.  Find a south facing wall of your house.  Plant close to the foundation because the sun hitting your walls will warm the soil just a few degrees, and it may be just enough.

Here, 8 miles south of the freezing temp lines, I don't have to worry at all.  But as always, your mileage may vary.

Why would you bother?

My friend Craig got further along than I did with this.  Of course you can go to your favorite market and buy ginger root, that's not the point.  The point is that the flavor of absolutely fresh Ginger Root is much more complex than some that has been shipped, treated with anti-growing chemicals, and sitting in the store waiting for you to use it.  Any natural product will taste different depending on where it grows.  In fact, certain plantings in certain fields in certain farms will yield different results.

Oh and the green parts of the plant?  You won't find those in stores, but Ginger Greens and Stems are edible as well.  They can be tough, so you may limit that to tea or used in soups or stirfry but it's worth a shot.  You may find a new favorite. Chop fine until you realize your own way of using them.  You will have a lot since the plant grows waist high.

That is called the "Terroir" by the French and is used to describe the effect of the environment on the grapes that go into the wine.  Similar effects happen with Coffee where one specific estate on one specific mountain will taste different than the adjacent field because there's just a tiny difference in the amount of water or sunlight or ...

Well you get the idea.

So give it a shot, the worst thing that could happen is that you get a "pretty plant" and a great story to tell the
nosy neighbors.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

I've been watching a cat documentary today. It's on paws.

An Excellent Vintage.

A drunk walk into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?


Ok, so these blond jokes are just as dumb as they try to make someone out to be with that color hair, but, I couldn't resist...


Blonde walks into a library and says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and medium Coke."
Librarian: "But ma'am, this is a library!"
Blonde: Oh I'm sorry... (whispers) "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and medium Coke"