Sunday, July 15, 2018

During an Italian meal... You pasta sauce around the table.

Wholesale supermarket

So, the other day my wife texted me, said we were having salad for dinner, and asked me to grab a head of lettuce on my way home from work.

I said OK and decide to try the new discount supermarket that opened right off the highway.

When I get in, it's clear that this place specializes in wholesale: there are giant boxes of things everywhere.

I didn't need more than a head of lettuce though, so I grab one out of a box and head up to the front.

The cashier looks at the lettuce, looks at me, and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't sell you that."

"Why not?"

"Well, sir, we only sell the entire box. You can go back and get the entire box and buy that or you need to return the lettuce."

"That's ridiculous!" I say, "There must be over a hundred heads in each of those boxes."

"That's right, sir. There's one hundred and forty-four."

"You mean you have to buy one hundred and forty-four heads of lettuce?? That's absurd! Who would need that much!" I was so upset at that point that I just left the lettuce with the cashier. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "This is the worst supermarket I've ever seen."

She shakes her head and answers, "You have us all wrong. We're not a supermarket, we're a gross-ery store."

Saturday, July 14, 2018

What do you call a baby frog? A toadler.

I described this first one to a good friend as one that would get a room full of Second Graders laughing loudly. 

See if you agree:

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog walks up to the teller and sees her name tag witch says Patricia Wack and the frog says "my name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, i need a loan to go on a holiday, how about $3000?"

The teller says "woah, thats alot of money, do you have any collaterals we can keep if you don't pay us back?"

The frog says "sure" and pulls out a small pink porcelain elephant and asks "will this do?"

The teller says "let me go ask my manager" so she goes to her boss and shows him the little elephant and says "a frog wants a loan with this as the collateral, i mean, what even is this"

And the boss says "it's a nick-nack patty wack give that frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone"


And since that was a little short...


Meat on the roof

A man walks into a bar and immediately sees lots of meat hanging from the roof and precedes to query the bartender.
“What’s with all the meat on the roof?!” the man questions.

The bartender replies, “We have a competition. You can try to jump up and touch the meat; if you touch it, you get all your drinks paid for all night, but if you miss, you have to pay for everyone’s drinks all night. Would you like to have a go?”

The man looks up as he ponders and states, “no, I think the steaks are too high.”

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

What you have to do to mail a letter these days.

Funny what passes through what I call my mind when I am reading a joke.  I started to free-associate with changes and modern life and technology and I'm laughing at myself because while technology is easy for me, Printing is not.

I'll be making up a nice new sign for the Jeep to tell people that there is nothing of value in the car and it's not for sale, and to beg them to leave it alone.

In two languages!  With Pictures!  In glorious Grey Scale and Black And White!

But yes, I did end up with a Robin Williams Style Rant here.  Hang on for a ride.  There's a Bounce-Bar by your knees if you need to hold on.

Anyway, I suspect that this joke way below is one of those "older" offices.  Having a lot of paper around the place seems to be a bit anachronistic.  While I personally "need" to be "able" to print, I think I am on the same ream of paper that we got for the house back in 2010 and I still have "Special Resume Grade Paper" from the 90s.  You know, the good heavy weight stuff that isn't pure white so it sticks out in a crowd.

Remember having to mail a resume?
Remember actually writing a Pen Pal?

I write maybe four actual letters per year.  They get dropped into a box to go along with some "goodies" that I send off in a care package explaining what crap I have loaded into the thing.

In order to get ink to physical piece of paper, I had to have a printer.

Since "technology" happens, I had to have a server for that printer so I could print from any computer on my network.

Install an operating system, a version of Debian Linux, Of course.

Get it working to print something out.  Share that printer across the network.  Start up Libre Office because I refuse to run anything Microsoft if I can avoid both it and the spyware that they insist in putting in their software.  Write the letter and save it.

All that?  Took about a week of thrashing because there was some weird inconsistency between Raspbian on ARM and a pure Debian on X86 that I am used to...

So now to print, turn on the RaspberryPi, wait for it to boot in about 2 minutes, then turn on the printer.  Rush back to the laptop and tell it to print to the printer "Tucked in a corner of Bill's Desk Somewhere".

Yes, I called it that.

I had to get a physical piece of paper to my financial advisor a while back and I ended up having them send me the form to sign so that I could physically carry the thing to the Post Office that is two miles away.

Get into the Jeep, hope it starts because I simply don't drive that often.

Look around as I drive the car like a puppy out the window.  Oooh!  look!  Moving Things!  Shiny Objects!  Other People!

Drive out into traffic and get confused by which lane to choose when at that bizarre five way intersection that everyone knows here as Five Points.

I truly hate driving through Five Points.   It's generally done with a horn or an extended gesture that is caused by some damn tourist using the wrong lanes or forgetting to get the hell off the phone because the light changed.

Then I am invisible because nobody actually follows the Uniform Vehicle Code any more and am trying to jockey for the Curb Lane because I am only going a mile which involves two stop lights on Dixie Highway, crossing a major rail corridor, and who knows what other shiny objects might be hanging out at the next intersection.

I prefer to walk.

Stand in line and hand it to the people at the Oakland Park, FL Post Office.  Truly nice people there.  Sure, it looks like a throwback to the early 1970s and probably has not been painted since then, but I end up with a smile on my face, even if I do have to stand in line.

After it gets there, lather, rinse, repeat and go home.  I'll take the back roads, I'll need a sedative if I have to go through Five Points twice in one day!

Beep Beep!  I'm a Jeep!
Careful, Nervous Driver On Board!

As Carl Sagan said "To make a cake, you first have to invent the universe".

Anyway, all of this rant was triggered by this joke I promised you below.




A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.

He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.

The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these things for me", and asked "do you know how to work this machine".
The manager said "yes", turned on the Shredder and stuck the sheet in and said "all done".
The owner said "brilliant, now I need three more copies."



Ok I guess you had to be there!

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

That title is a one liner I found somewhere but it reminds me of a business meeting I had with a client in NYC.

This rather intelligent woman I worked with had a comment that everyone took as a mental lapse, but weirdly it has stuck with me over the years.  So I will share this ear-worm of a story with you.  Maybe you can figure out that mental process.

We were sitting at a window with a great view of the bridges leading over to Brooklyn when she piped up about her meal.

"You know!  I can tell these are Sea Scallops!
These are from the sea and the sea is big!
The Bay Scallops are from the bay and the bay is small!"

The table looked around at each other for a solid Ten Count and then the conversation just started over.  She never really followed it up with any further explanation, just sat there and looked proud of it.

As silly as that sounds, yes, that is how I remember sizes of Scallops - not that I tend to get them since they're so expensive.

Sweet lady, I guess you had to be there!


Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Have you heard about the submarine industry? It's really taking a dive..

English can be a very imprecise language.  When talking with someone, if you describe an object, you can specify exactly what you are talking about by using very descriptive words like its name and colors and position, or it is equally as valid to use a word like "That".

If you use "That" frequently in such a situation... I hate you.


A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife “Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied

“Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
“How did you survive?” The wife asked.

“I stepped outside for a smoke when it caught fire” said the husband, to which the wife replied “This is why I’ve told you a million times to quit smoking!”

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Happy Fourth Of July, Now, Please Go Protect Your Pets

I am beginning to see the truth in the way New Jersey handled this back in the day.

They banned anything that went "bang".

Luckily we have some "doggy downers" from the vet in the house.  I have learned to dose him about a half hour before sunset which takes the edge off. 

Rack, my McNab SuperDog (TM) is like just about every other dog I can think of.  He hates Thunderstorms and Fireworks.  It turns him into a shivering mess.

This is the day where more dogs go missing than any other.  He will be hiding in the corner, trying to merge with the couch.  It's where I sit at night until the sun comes in the front window, then again where I reappear when the sun goes behind the taller buildings to my west.

I expect that since the rednecks down the block are staying here instead of going to someplace else where they can get bit by mosquitoes and go Fish in' and Hun tin', they will be shooting off an obscene amount of fireworks tonight.  If not them, someone else will pick up the slack.

Rack is in for it.

Mind you, I like fireworks and the way they look.  Ooh and Ahh and all that.  I used to go to a park in Cherry Hill NJ near the house and watch a number of professional fireworks from a chair or in the comfort of my car.  A good friend Laurie cued me into that you can park in a lot in Cooper River Park and see more fireworks than you could possibly consider firing off in a lifetime from there.  Plus the reflection on the river itself was rather nice.

Bring a camera, preferrably a time lapse one.

So since sundown here is 8:16 PM, We will have gotten our walk in, and I'll give him his happy pills about a half hour before that.  Hopefully we will get back before they turn this street into a war zone.

Then again, it is wet season and we have an 80% chance of rain.  I'm praying for rain.

On the other hand, I do have a time lapse camera and a porch, and I know how to use them.

Watch over your dogs.  This is not a night to leave them out.  Cats too should be brought inside, well every day since an Outdoor Cat is merely a stray.  People can be evil to strays.


Sunday, July 1, 2018

I saw a new color in a dream last night. It was a pigment of my imagination.

Ok, maybe I should have added this one to the bottom of yesterday's post.  Judging from the international response I got...

There are a lot of you out there that like my disturbed jokes!



A couple that has been married for 20 years...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every morning, the husband would wake up and blast out the biggest, loudest fart in bed. The wife was quite disgusted with the practice and repeatedly asked him to stop, but he just chuckled. She told him "One of these days you are going to fart your guts out".

The practice continued, unabated. Finally the wife decided to play a trick. While at the butcher she picked up some chicken entrails. The next morning she awoke early and carefully put the entrails into her husband's boxers while he slept. Then she went to the kitchen to wait.

Sure enough, a few minutes later there was a trumpet blast from her husband's ass. She chuckled to herself and waited, sipping her coffee, for him to come out.

It took quite some time, but when he came to the kitchen he was looking a bit ashen. She waited and he told her...

"Well, you were right. This morning I did fart my guts out. But, by the grace of god and with these two fingers, I pushed them all back in."

Saturday, June 30, 2018

What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A gummy bear!

A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod.

She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Lemon Curd in the Microwave in Under Three Minutes

I never really intended to write a food blog but my curiosity gets the best of me.   I never knew a Kitchen Hack I didn't like.

On the other hand, if I search for this particular food, I find the Microwave version first.  I guess I've just been hiding away from the world too long!

Lemon Curd is an English confection that the closest thing we have in America is the filling for a Lemon Meringue Pie.

But it's much more creamy and silky than that.

It also takes about 1/2 hour of standing by a stove babying it and making sure it does not boil on a medium to low heat.

This cooks in the microwave in under 3 minutes.

Yes.  It took me 2:45 to get it done.

The hardest part is making absolutely certain that your thermometer is reasonably accurate.  Mine was not, and read 10F high, so the Lemon Curd came out a little loose.

Oh, and I made mine in a recycle-able plastic Cottage Cheese container, then poured it into a jelly sized Mason Jar for storage.

Use within a couple weeks - that's why I cut down the recipe in 1/2.

This all hit the web a couple weeks back as a Kitchen Hack, I tried it, and yeah, it works.  It turns a fiddly recipe into something anyone can make in under 10 minutes if you're quick about it.

On a Bagel, English Muffin, or Home Made Crumpet, this stuff can't be beat especially if you have cream cheese to go with it all.    I use this Lemon Curd for Lemon Tarts as well.  If you have a ready made pie shell, just dump the Lemon Curd in, and top with some whipped cream or perhaps prepare a meringue for it.

Oh and of the Variations I have tried - Key Lime or Grapefruit are my personal favorites.

Ingredients for this are 1/2 of my original recipe but I will repeat them here, adjusted for size.

  • 1 1/2 Lemons, Zested and Juiced (About a quarter cup juice)
  • 3/4 cup (170g) granulated Sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 stick unsalted butter (2 Ounces, 60g)  - Room Temperature and cut into small pieces

Process

  • To a microwave safe bowl, add all your ingredients.
  • Stir the ingredients until smooth or run them through a blender.
  • Place Microwave Safe bowl in microwave and cook on High for 30 seconds.
  • Stir ingredients thoroughly to prevent hot spots.
  • Repeat the microwave and stir cycle until the temperature at least reaches 185F (85C).
  • The Lemon Curd will begin to noticeably thicken when you reach temperature.
  • Again, Do not allow to boil but make sure you hit that magic temperature of 185F/85C.
  • Pour the finished product into jars and refrigerate or run through strainer to capture any lemon zest or egg that might cause lumps.

Picture from wikipedia shows how it will look close up and personal!

Lemon Curd courtesy of wikipedia.com

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Since we're on the subject of Kangaroos, here's a story about an Aussie in London.


A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.'

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'