Sunday, May 31, 2020

The inventor of sliced bread is likely the one that cut the cheese.

Here in South Florida, we take Hurricane Season very seriously.  It starts tomorrow, so we will all be trying to shop, hopefully with our masks, to make sure that we have enough Room Temperature Stable Food and Water in the house in case of a disaster for two weeks.

Every year I go shopping, and treat myself to a case of Special Hurricane Water.  Last year it was a case of Corona Extra.  I wonder what that will be this year?



Two Nuns

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.  She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,

'This is for washing our hair.'  Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'

Saturday, May 30, 2020

What happens when you play a country song backwards? It gets even more annoying.

Back when the second Bush was president we were ... treated to this sort of humor all the time.  I do remember a rather "large" comic, Larry The Cable Guy saying something to the effect of "Lord, I do apologize for what I am about to do here" ...

just before he was about to tell a joke like this...

And that's about all I remembered about Larry The Cable Guy.

... but I do have this one for you.





Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face.


The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most unlikely of all. Billy-bob, a redneck from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning".

"Why's he smiling, then?"

"He thought he was getting his picture taken".

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Sometimes You Just Need a Hoagie Roll Recipe

I have been baking bread for years, and the whole variability of this process is what tweaks my interest.

If you make a dough batch and split it, rise one half at room temperature it won't taste the same as the other half that was risen in the refrigerator over night.  The longer rise will give you a more complex flavor which is great if that is what you want.

Brush the roll with egg wash and it will be shiny.  Leave it unbrushed and you get what I have here.

And if you're making them at home and want the same results every time, you may want to just let that go to the professionals.  Part of the art of baking is the understanding that next time most likely will be different.

For example, in Philadelphia there is a company that makes The Definitive Hoagie Roll.  Amoroso's Baking Company has made them for decades, and we all say it's what makes the cheesesteak.  However it has a limited distribution.  And while you can get that same taste of an Authentic Philadelphia Italian Hoagie at Wawa, trust me,  it gets difficult to find those same rolls "in the wild".

Now that I am in South Florida, I'm truly in The Wild.

I am not saying that this recipe is identical, I will say that it does have approximately the same texture and taste, but on a quick rise in the oven, the flavor is good but can be "muted".

So if you want an Amoroso's Roll your best bet is to go find them.

However these are a good start.    It is a really good base recipe to explore your own talents.

The next time I make this recipe, I will do a long, overnight rise in my 37F/2C refrigerator and see where I am at.  That would strengthen the flavor which is what you want in a Pizza Dough.

After all being a baker means a constant feedback and refinement of your process and your recipies.

And some people just want a commercial white bread that tastes just like it did when it came out of the white plastic bag with primary colored blobs on it in the 1950s and ever since.

Ick.

This recipe may not be a sainted clone from the old sod, but it is a damn good recipe and I will be using it for a while.   It is a Challenge.

Some notes:

This recipe as written has a vigorous rise if risen at room temperature.   It requires you to look
after it, and if you blink it goes from "doubled in size" to this weird giant blob that deflates when the cookie sheet gets tapped.  After one hour rising at room temp, I watched over this batch and checked in on it every 15 minutes.  On a rainy day it took 1 hour 40 minutes to rise to what you see on the results.

This recipe was made as dough in the bread machine, through first rise.  It had a slow first rise.  Be patient, they will rise.

When making this recipe, add the oil to the bucket of the bread machine once the dough has come together to allow more gluten to form.  It improves the texture and unless you are one of the punishingly small number of people with celiac disease, it will be worth the effort.

Finally, place a metal oven safe bowl in the bottom of the oven when cooking these rolls.  It provides humidity that will make the crust a bit more soft.

If that is your thing, here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 tsp Yeast
  • 4 tsp sugar
  • 1 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 1/3 cups water at 80-105F 30-40C
  • 3 cups All Purpose Flour or Bread Flour
  • 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil - to be added separately from above

Process:

  1. To your bucket of the bread machine or the mixer add Yeast, Sugar, Salt. and Water.
  2. Mix your wet ingredients and then allow it to rest until it has begun to foam, about 10-15 minutes.
  3. Add the flour to the bucket of the bread machine and start on Dough Cycle.
  4. When the dough has taken up the majority of the flour, add the two tablespoons of olive oil.
  5. Allow the dough to come together and knead.
  6. The bread machine will run through its cycle and do first rise for you.
  7. If not using a bread machine, allow your dough to double in size for first rise.
  8. Form your rolls on a lined cookie sheet.  Mine were 90 Grams each.
  9. Place the dough in a room temperature oven with the light on to rise.
  10. Check the dough every 20 minutes, however my experience is that the dough doubles in 1 hour and 40 minutes in an oven with the light on on a room temperature rise.
  11. When Ready, remove the dough from the oven, and Preheat oven to 400F.
  12. Bake Rolls for 10 minutes and check for Golden Brown color.  
  13. Mine were finished in 14 minutes.


Variation:

  • Use an egg wash or olive oil wash to the outside of the rolls for a more polished appearance.
  • Dust some rolls with Sesame Seeds, Parmesan, or spices.
  • For a cold rise, the rise time will be longer when they are formed and out of the refrigerator but the taste will be more complex.  Put the dough into the refrigerator overnight, and then bring it out to shape and rise in the morning.
  • Don't forget to watch over your bread.  Every 20 minutes of rise time or so.

Sunday, May 24, 2020

Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her age...she died.

Just because I am feeling generous, here is a two-fer for a Sunday Morning.


Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops.

In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc.

We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day.

Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill.

Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”.

So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.



And if you don't share my love for that movie in the punch line above, here's another one for a Sunday Morning.



The last time I heard one like this it was about a fish, but ...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole.

Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history.

St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?"

God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."

Saturday, May 23, 2020

You know the great thing about someone snoring like a chainsaw? Chainsaws have a choke button.

One of my rules of life is don't get bored, get creative.  



Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the fame and regard and constant hard work he was subject too, he still had a dream of his own. He wanted a self portrait, one that showed him at his finest, one that truly captured who he was. It had to be unlike anything that had ever been made. But every time he tried to begin, he could not decide how he wanted to go about it.

Many years went by, and his reputation continued to grow. He had made sculptures for royalty as well as the noble and was becoming quite wealthy. But there was still that unfinished block of marble that he could not start on, his lifelong dream of a self portrait. It was there in the back of his shop to witness his sculptures grow more and more intricate, but the marble itself remained untouched.

More years went by and the sculptor was now quite old. One day, he announced that he would be no longer making sculptures for the public. He closed his doors forever. This came as a huge shock to everyone, and they could only wonder why the great sculptor stopped working on what he did best.

The sculptor knew. He wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to this self portrait. After all these years of waiting, he finally picked up the chisel and began. He poured his soul into the project over the next years, and it was physically and emotionally draining. But still he worked, from dawn to dusk, to achieve his goal. And the day came. The last bit of polishing was done. The sculptor stepped back to admire his handiwork, and his breath was taken away. It was unlike anything he had ever seen, and it captured all of the things he wanted it to, and then some. It almost had a glow about it, and it was the first of its kind.

The sculptor was beside himself.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Dinner Rolls, Burger Buns, Or Hot Dog Buns, This Is Your Recipe

Yes, I'm back on the whole bread baking thing.  I needed Hot Dog rolls for some Sweet Italian Sausage I had grilled the night before, so I decided to make my own.  They look a bit dark here, but they were pretty much perfect when I had them for lunch.
Relax, the recipe is a bit time consuming since you want to give this time to rise.  All the liquids together needed time to allow the yeast to activate before joining it with the flour, so you may mix them when you begin to see the bubbles.  They call this a Poolish, but you can call it whatever you wish.

The recipe below was 993 Grams, about 2 1/4 pounds.  The pictures made 11 rolls, 90g
each.  Hey, I needed Hot Dog Rolls, and three round rolls per request.

Once separated, I allowed them to rise in an oven with the light on for an extra Two Hours before baking.

I made the recipe on the dough cycle in the bread machine and it turned out amazingly well.

The Process was simple:
  1. Mix Milk, Sugar, Beaten Egg, Butter, and Salt in a Microwave safe bowl.
  2. Warm the liquids until they are at the right temperature for yeast to process, 80-105F, 30-40C in the MIcrowave.
  3. Add the Yeast and stir until all of those ingredients are blended.
  4. Allow the Liquids to sit long enough for your yeast to begin to work 5-15 minutes.
  5. Add the Bread Flour to the bucket of a bread machine or your stand mixer.
  6. Add the Liquids to the Flour and mix well. 
  7. Select Dough Cycle on the bread machine to get a silky smooth dough.
  8. When Dough is finished being mixed, place in bowl and allow to rise until double in size.
  9. Divide and Shape Dough into 10 parts in order to make Burger or Hot Dog Buns or smaller for dinner rolls, as needed.
  10. Place on Baking Sheet with Foil or Parchment and brush with egg wash or butter.
  11. Bake at 450F or 230C for 8 minutes and check every two minutes for golden brown.

The Ingredients are:
  • 3 3/4 Cups Bread Flour
  • 1 1/4 Cups (280mL) Milk (I actually used Powdered or Non Fat Dry)
  • 1/4 Cup (56g) White Sugar
  • 1 Beaten Egg
  • 2 Tablespoons (28g) Butter
  • 1 1/4 Teaspoons (16g) Active Dry Yeast
  • 3/4 Teaspoon (14g) Salt

Sunday, May 17, 2020

If you like one liners, today is your day!

Here's a long list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

When does a Joke become a Dad Joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

I keep hearing about these "Quarantine Haircuts" you folks are getting.  Been cutting my own since 2003, and had a barber ask me to cut his so it can't be half bad.

However a Barbershop is a very different story.



A man pokes his head into a barbershop and asks how long the wait is for a haircut


The barber tells him, "We're backed up. It's going to be about three hours."

The man says, "All right, I'll come back later then," but he doesn't show up until days later, when he pokes his head in and asks again how long the wait is for a haircut.

The barber says it going to be around an hour, to which the man replies, "Okay, I just got to go take care of something." But he doesn't return that day either.

When the man showed up again, the barber was certain the man would stick around, since the shop was empty. "There's one person a head of you. We should be able to get you done in less than twenty minutes." The man says that sounds good and he'll be back then.

The barber in disbelief tells one of his patrons, "I'll give you you're next two cuts free if you find out where that fella is going. He keeps showing up and asking how long to get a haircut, then leaving without ever showing back up to get it."

The patron takes him up on his offer.

The barber eagerly asks, "So where's he going?"

The man tells him, "He's going to your house to see your wife."

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

When Hurricane Prep and Corona Virus Planning Collide

If you look at things critically, we've been on a emergency preparedness footing since November.  We just didn't realize it.

The first whisperings of a problem were around New Years, but here in South Florida we go through a twice yearly exercise.  In May or so, we begin to get supplies.  Hurricane season is coming, we need to keep at least two weeks of extra food in the house.  The assumption is that in a Power Down situation, what can you have handy to eat without anything to cook it. 

Industrial sized Peanut Butter Jars, Massive bags of Crackers, Giant multi-packs of Tuna.  My own hallway has two cases of water bottles.

Mind you, here in Wilton Manors Florida, the Utilities Management staff is amazing.  The
head here is "Honor Bound" to make sure there will be no problems with turning the tap and having water pour out with the exclusion of when the storm is at its peak for about six hours.  Its just prudent to have extra water on hand.  Nobody wants to stand under the drainspout to get a drink.

We have never had a problem here due to his success and his department.

The drum beat of "there's something wrong coming" got louder in January and February.  Loud enough that by the first week of March, I managed to get to the Big Box Wholesale Club three times and stock the house for the rest of the year of those non-perishable.  Someone else was welcome to stand in line, I'll have Spam for lunch.

Preparing for a hurricane which we are used to here, and a pandemic are similar but not identical.

What happens for a hurricane is that in May, now, we have a giant tree on the property that needs to be "thinned" as well as all the hedges and flowers have to be "rightsized".  The hedges are fine, as are the flowers.  After all, my prize bougainvillea hedges might be nasty to work with having all those thorns, but I'd prefer to do all of that myself.


The Tree is a very different story.  It's a Sea Grape.  Being a native species, we are not allowed to remove it, but there is no reason to have a monster 50 foot tall beast in the corner of the yard with dinner plate sized leaves.  Every year, we have it "lowered" or else it grows into the power lines.   I have had the limbs trimmed back about six feet every year, and they grow back about half that so it's now a healthy 30 plus.

We're about to go through that exercise.  They cut almost all of the foliage off the tree, and the fascinating thing is that the tree is evolved enough to accept that and thrive.  It almost all grows back by "next" year.  So shorten the longest limbs and allow it to adjust.

The problem is that half of my orchids were all shaded by that beast of a tree.  I had some that the elements had eaten away the pots and needed replanting again.  So pull all of them away from their home under the shed's eaves and repot.  I was able to make an extra two pots out of the one largest plant and move them close to the house and out of harm's way.


I guess all of this is an illustration of the "Butterfly Effect" where the flapping of a butterfly in the tropics stirs up dust that forms clouds that eventually form a hurricane.

That dust on my Jeep's hood in the carport is from the Sahara Desert.  If I stand on the beach and look due east, my line of sight following the curve of the horizon skips over one small island in the Bahamas and then comes ashore in Boujador in Western Sahara. 

You folks are welcome to the dust you lost, and here, have an orchid.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

House Cleaning or The Attack Of The One Liners

I have jokes sent to me frequently.
I look for humor everywhere I go.

If it is suitable for all audiences, I save it on a text file on my Linux computer for later use.

So I get a lot of the stuff, and they do add up. 

After all, the file was originally called "Thirteen Bad Jokes.txt"

Since I have quite a few One Liners, today I'm going to shorten my file here and disgorge thirteen of them for our hopefully mutual amusement.


I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Ocean walks in to a bar.  Bartender says "why so blue?"

Think. This is what you can do when you can't Thwim.

I really hate stereotyping.  The novel my stereo typed was garbage.

The man who invented Velcro has died.  RIP

We need to thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds for saving mankind.  Without him it would be curtains for us all.

Breaking News: A programmer has been accused of writing unreadable code.  He has declined to comment.

Wanna see something cute and wholesome?  Don't look in the mirror then.

A doe walks out of the woods looking bewildered.  “I’m never doing that for two bucks again.”

I told my friend a joke about chairs.  It didn't sit with them too well.

My girlfriend is a keeper.  She works at the zoo.

What's green and not heavy?  Light green!

I have a hen who can count her own eggs.  She's a mathemachicken.

Saturday, May 9, 2020

A Spanish magician said he would disappear on the count of 3 ... “Uno” “Dos” And poof! He disappeared without a “tres”

Couldn't resist that one, especially after working on my Spanish since Dawn.

O La Madrugada, si tu prefieres.



Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"

"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"

"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."

"What bloody firetruck?"
"The one putting out the fire in the armory, sir."

Colonel, now visibly shaking in anger, shouts: "There was a fire in the armory? Why the hell are you only telling me now?"

"Well had I told you straight away you would just get a heart attack like the Major did, sir."

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Can you make Cream Biscuits from Pizza Flour?

That is a rather odd question, and probably should be unpacked.

Short answer is yes, it can be done, and yes this is how I do it! 

Since I truly enjoy the Science behind Baking, I keep coming back to this recipe.  I have not "broken" this one yet!

In fact I had one of this batch of biscuits this morning and they were just as wonderful as the basic recipe is that I include in a bit.

First, for my European Readers, the recipe I am using is for a savoury bread.  A form of Shortbread that is typically served at breakfast.  One biscuit at 80 grams before baking with a small bit of sausage and egg and perhaps a little sharp cheese is a wonderful part of your breakfast.  Or just go whole hog and have the biscuit with Sausage Gravy, scrambled eggs on the side, and whatever you prefer.

Biscuits in the UK are what we call Cookies here.  I love them all.  And I can bake them all.

Second, Cream Biscuits are a frightfully simple recipe to make a "Southern Staple" of a biscuit that is as good as many more fussy recipes.  But it does require specific ingredients such as Self Rising Flour.  Even the Cream itself I have "hacked" to go 50/50 with 2% milk, and the results can be good.

  • Two cups of Self Rising Flour.
  • 1 Teaspoon of sugar.
  • 1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream.
  1. Preheat your oven to 450F.
  2. Mix (with your hands) until the batter is even and a bit "tacky".
  3. Cut into 80g portions or about 3 ounces or seven even pieces.
  4. Place on Parchment Paper on a cookie (baking) sheet.
  5. Bake at 450F in a preheated oven for 12 minutes and check. 
  6. Done usually around 15 minutes and when the tops are tan.


Now that we got the basic recipe out of the way, what happens if you don't have Self Rising Flour? 

If all you have is Pizza Flour, or All Purpose Flour, or something unknown but "normal" you can make it work.  I buy Pizza Flour in 25 Pound bags.  About 11Kg.  They sit there in the corner of my kitchen waiting for when I make bread - and I make a lot of it!

To convert the Pizza Flour into Self Rising Flour

  • For Each Cup of Flour (8 oz or 228g).
  • Add 1 1/2 Teaspoons of Baking Powder.
  • Add 1/2 Teaspoon of Salt.

And mix them together.

Now for the recipe I made with the Pizza Flour and "Homemade" Self Rising Flour:

Ingredients
  • 2 Cups of Pizza Flour 
  • 1 Tablespoon (14g) of Baking Powder
  • 1 Teaspoon (4g I think) of Salt
  • Mix the above ingredients in a bowl .... plus
  • 1 1/2 cups Whipping Cream or Heavy Cream
  • 1 Tablespoon of table sugar To Taste (I use less).
Process
  1. Preheat oven to 450F
  2. Mix with your hands until it is even.
  3. The Batter should be tacky and sticky.
  4. Divide Batter into Seven parts, or 80g per Biscuit.
  5. I typically roll the batter with my hands in to balls, flatten them into a rough disc.
  6. Place the batter pieces on Parchment Paper on a Cookie (Baking) Sheet
  7. Bake at 450F for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown in a Preheated Oven.

Sunday, May 3, 2020

What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.


‌‌An e‌‌lderly c‌‌ouple w‌‌as c‌‌elebrating t‌‌heir s‌‌ixtieth a‌‌nniversary

‌‌The c‌‌ouple h‌‌ad m‌‌arried a‌‌s c‌‌hildhood s‌‌weethearts a‌‌nd h‌‌ad m‌‌oved b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌heir o‌‌ld n‌‌eighborhood a‌‌fter t‌‌hey r‌‌etired. H‌‌olding h‌‌ands, t‌‌hey w‌‌alked b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌heir o‌‌ld s‌‌chool.

I‌‌t w‌‌as n‌‌ot l‌‌ocked, s‌‌o t‌‌hey e‌‌ntered, a‌‌nd f‌‌ound t‌‌he o‌‌ld d‌‌esk t‌‌hey'd s‌‌hared, w‌‌here J‌‌erry h‌‌ad c‌‌arved I‌‌ l‌‌ove y‌‌ou, S‌‌ally.

On t‌‌heir w‌‌ay b‌‌ack h‌‌ome, a‌‌ b‌‌ag o‌‌f m‌‌oney f‌‌ell o‌‌ut o‌‌f a‌‌n a‌‌rmored c‌‌ar, p‌‌ractically l‌‌anding a‌‌t t‌‌heir f‌‌eet.

S‌‌ally q‌‌uickly p‌‌icked i‌‌t u‌‌p a‌‌nd, n‌‌ot s‌‌ure w‌‌hat t‌‌o d‌‌o w‌‌ith i‌‌t, t‌‌hey t‌‌ook i‌‌t h‌‌ome. T‌‌here, s‌‌he c‌‌ounted t‌‌he m‌‌oney -‌‌ f‌‌ifty t‌‌housand d‌‌ollars!

Jerry s‌‌aid, “‌‌We've g‌‌ot t‌‌o g‌‌ive i‌‌t b‌‌ack.”

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌Finders k‌‌eepers.” S‌‌he p‌‌ut t‌‌he m‌‌oney b‌‌ack i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ag a‌‌nd h‌‌id i‌‌t i‌‌n t‌‌heir a‌‌ttic.

The n‌‌ext d‌‌ay, t‌‌wo p‌‌olice o‌‌fficers w‌‌ere c‌‌anvassing t‌‌he n‌‌eighborhood l‌‌ooking f‌‌or t‌‌he m‌‌oney, a‌‌nd k‌‌nocked o‌‌n t‌‌heir d‌‌oor. P‌‌ardon m‌‌e, d‌‌id e‌‌ither o‌‌f y‌‌ou f‌‌ind a‌‌ b‌‌ag t‌‌hat f‌‌ell o‌‌ut o‌‌f a‌‌n a‌‌rmored c‌‌ar y‌‌esterday?

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌No.”

Jerry s‌‌aid, “‌‌She’s l‌‌ying. S‌‌he h‌‌id i‌‌t u‌‌p i‌‌n t‌‌he a‌‌ttic.”

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌Don't b‌‌elieve h‌‌im, h‌‌e’s g‌‌etting s‌‌enile.”

The a‌‌gents t‌‌urned t‌‌o J‌‌erry a‌‌nd b‌‌egan t‌‌o q‌‌uestion h‌‌im.

One p‌‌olice o‌‌fficer a‌‌sked J‌‌erry t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌im t‌‌he s‌‌tory f‌‌rom t‌‌he b‌‌eginning.

Jerry s‌‌aid, "‌‌Well, w‌‌hen S‌‌ally a‌‌nd I‌‌ w‌‌ere w‌‌alking h‌‌ome f‌‌rom s‌‌chool y‌‌esterday..."

The f‌‌irst p‌‌olice o‌‌fficer t‌‌urned t‌‌o h‌‌is p‌‌artner a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, “‌‌We’re o‌‌utta h‌‌ere!”

Saturday, May 2, 2020

My cooking is fit for a King. Here King! Here King!

Having just stuffed my gut full of French Toast made from one of those bread recipes from the last couple weeks... Some days are better in the kitchen, and some days are better being out of it!


If I have to describe this next one, it's of course suitable for all audiences, but it's got an Afterburner on it.  Make sure you read it through.


I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks.

They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the bricks up and then see how deep they sink into the mud.

The first friend threw a brick up and it sunk a few inches into the mud, then the second threw another and it sunk down nearly a foot into the mud, then the third friend throws his brick up in the air and it doesn't come back down.

(I don't really get it either, but stay tuned!)

Another joke I used to love was this one about a woman trying to go on vacation, and the only airline she could get tickets for had a strict "no smoking, no birds" rule.

Well she didn't smoke so that was fine, but she did have a pet parrot that she wanted to take with her.

She decided, alright she'll take the flight and just try to hide the parrot in her jacket.

So she was on the plane and after a while of being in the air, the pilot came and walked down the aisles just to check on everyone and he was puffing on a large cigar.

Walking past the woman, he noticed a noise from her.

He asked her "what's that?" And she told him it was just her stomach, so he started to move on before he noticed some movement in her jacket.

He asked her once again "what's that?" And she told him that it was nothing. He stood their suspicious for a moment before he heard another squawk and finally unzipped her jacket.

He grabbed the parrot and let it out the window, telling her that no birds are allowed on the flight, so she grabbed the cigar from his mouth and threw it out the window in rage while yelling at him "well you're not allowed to smoke on the plane!"

So she sat back down angrily and he stormed off back to the cockpit, then after he was sitting there for a minute, he heard a knocking on the window.

He looked outside and the parrot was sitting there and guess what it had in it's mouth. The brick.