Sunday, December 10, 2017

Yo mama so dumb, She asked me the number of '911'

If you have ever read instructions and thought "Instructions unclear, installed third eye" this one is for you.



A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to "spend time" with her.  (Use your imagination, I cleaned it up)

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Saturday, December 9, 2017

A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

This is definitely a Dad Joke.  I've heard it told a couple times, and while I groan, I always have enjoyed it.



How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside.

He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember the details, but he did the whole trip barefoot, and by the end of the trip his callouses on his feet were so thick he could practically walk on hot coals.

He hardly ate or slept on his March to the sea, he power walked the whole thing.

The thing about doing strenuous exercise without much food is, your body starts breaking down other fuel, like muscles and connective tissues, and your breath gets this sickly sweet smell to it, like rotting fruit.

So, you could say Gandhi was a

Super calloused Fragile mystic Hexed by halitosis

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe

Barbecue Potato Chips.

I was the weird kid that really truly enjoyed these.  I learned early that the Redder The Better because there was more flavor on them.

So I went looking, found lots of recipes on how to make this, and ended up tweaking to get this recipe.

It's the powder that you sprinkle on potato chips to turn them into BBQ Chips after putting it in the oven.

I have been dipping tortilla chips into it and knocking off the "excess" the last couple days and, Yeah!, pretty darn good too!

This is a smallish recipe, and can be scaled up easily if you find you like it.

I bet it could also go into a cheese shaker or a salt shaker for use as a condiment on the table.

I know I like this on a baked potato, and the little bit I need isn't enough for me to worry about the calorie count, or whatever else is in it.

Yes, there is salt and brown sugar in the recipe.  Depending on how you use it, it's possible that the salt can be left out.

You know... season to taste?  Especially good on bland foods.

Oh one last thing that I noticed when I put that pic together?  It's a great way to use up your old or out of date spices.  If you look at that pic really closely... you will notice that the date stamped on top of the Onion Powder is 2013.  It's now 2017. 

Oops!


Dry Barbecue Potato Chip Seasoning Recipe


Ingredients:


  • 1 Tablespoon Paprika
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon packed brown sugar (I used Dark)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper


To Prepare:

Mix everything in a jar thoroughly.

To Use:

Dust the surface of the food to taste after cooking.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!

I love Aretha's music so any chance to say it I'm all for... but being Sunday, that's not why you are here, is it?  Bad jokes anyone?

Oh and a little back story here.  Key West is at the end of the Florida Keys.  Coming back to the mainland it is 120 miles of beautiful turquoise waters, tiny little islands full of houses built on stilts, and places to stay.  Miami is 160 miles from Key West, and I am 190 from Key West. 

If I remember right.  It's a long drive.  Four hours...



Last Wishes

Doug Smith lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife rolls her eyes and replies, “The 'fool' had a paper route”



Saturday, December 2, 2017

How do both Santa and Ebeneezer Scrooge keep their hair so lustrous? With Ho Ho Bah!

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Growing Ginger in Containers or How We Stumbled Upon A Thing

I say Stumbled Upon because like a lot of my ideas, it was due to a rapid fire exchange of ideas with a
From the Wikipedia.com article on Ginger
https://en.wikipedia.com/wiki/ginger
good friend of mine up in the Atlanta suburbs, Craig.

You see Craig and I have been exchanging ideas on what to plant for a while.  The Climate there is about the same as I had in Philadelphia, Zone 7a or 7b depending on whether you live on the East or West of Philly.

When I lived there, I would fill my back deck with dozens of pots that would all march their way indoors by Halloween or whenever the first cold snap into the mid 30s would happen.

That would be a low of 2 or 3 C for the Fahrenheit Impaired.

Apparently with Ginger, you don't have to be so concerned.  The plants will die back in colder areas and Zone 8 should be fine - that's 10F or about -7C.  Colder than that and it's a container plant.

I had mentioned that we were given a pot of Variegated Ginger and wondered if it was the same "stuff" that I use when I stir fry chicken.  He said No, but you can grow that stuff from the stores.

We banged it back and forth and the method we put together was this.

  • First, get yourself a piece of ginger with a lot of "fingers" on it. 
  • Select a finger about the length and size of the first joint of your thumb to the length of your thumb.
  • Wash all the pieces you wish to plant in Dish Soap thoroughly.
  • Don't bruise the skin while washing the pieces.
  • No, you didn't wash it enough, repeat the wash another two or three times.
  • Plant in well drained soil, or a pot, and wait.
  • Water periodically and hope that the Squirrels don't put peanuts in the pot.

The reason why I mention those damn Squirrels is my neighbors feed them raw peanuts.  They grab the peanuts and bury them in my pots.  I have peanuts growing in about a quarter of the pots I have out back.

It is the same thing with me, I guess.  I'm the kind of guy that throws pieces of tomato or fruit that is past its prime in the garden and watches to see if it grows.  Win-win, if it doesn't I get fertilizer for this beach sand we call soil here.

I had actually forgotten that I put those thumbs in the ground in my front garden because when I walked out there one afternoon, I noticed that two ginger plants were mixed in with all the other confusion that I have out front.

I dug them up and then put into a pot, minus the peanut plants, so I could watch over them.

Ginger does not seem to mind being crowded in a pot, so you can plant it and grow it "Up North".

Now, if you live in a zone that is on the edge, like my sister does in Zone 7b Cherry Hill, NJ, you may be able to "get away with it" in the ground.  Find a south facing wall of your house.  Plant close to the foundation because the sun hitting your walls will warm the soil just a few degrees, and it may be just enough.

Here, 8 miles south of the freezing temp lines, I don't have to worry at all.  But as always, your mileage may vary.

Why would you bother?

My friend Craig got further along than I did with this.  Of course you can go to your favorite market and buy ginger root, that's not the point.  The point is that the flavor of absolutely fresh Ginger Root is much more complex than some that has been shipped, treated with anti-growing chemicals, and sitting in the store waiting for you to use it.  Any natural product will taste different depending on where it grows.  In fact, certain plantings in certain fields in certain farms will yield different results.

Oh and the green parts of the plant?  You won't find those in stores, but Ginger Greens and Stems are edible as well.  They can be tough, so you may limit that to tea or used in soups or stirfry but it's worth a shot.  You may find a new favorite. Chop fine until you realize your own way of using them.  You will have a lot since the plant grows waist high.

That is called the "Terroir" by the French and is used to describe the effect of the environment on the grapes that go into the wine.  Similar effects happen with Coffee where one specific estate on one specific mountain will taste different than the adjacent field because there's just a tiny difference in the amount of water or sunlight or ...

Well you get the idea.

So give it a shot, the worst thing that could happen is that you get a "pretty plant" and a great story to tell the
nosy neighbors.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

I've been watching a cat documentary today. It's on paws.

An Excellent Vintage.

A drunk walk into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.

"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?


Ok, so these blond jokes are just as dumb as they try to make someone out to be with that color hair, but, I couldn't resist...


Blonde walks into a library and says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and medium Coke."
Librarian: "But ma'am, this is a library!"
Blonde: Oh I'm sorry... (whispers) "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and medium Coke"

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Calculators are reliable. You can always count on them.

Here are a couple of short-mid sized jokes for you to try on for size.  They made me smile, so maybe you will too.


The Mystery Kitchen Utensil

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.



If light travels faster than the speed of sound
Why I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”



My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Bougainvilleas and Bananas on Thanksgiving

On this week before Thanksgiving, there is a lot of "Prep Work" to do.

The hedges get cut back,
House gets cleaned,
Shed gets cleaned,
Yard gets cleaned,
Well, you get the idea.

I would say this is where the law of unintended consequences happens.

While I don't have a good definition for it, I can explain it really well in one short phrase:

Never paint your kitchen.

Why?  Because then your cabinets will look shabby.  You then have to replace them.  While your kitchen is gutted, you look at your oven from the last decade and think this would be a good time to do it.  Maybe swap out the electric range for a gas or propane one.  After all, being able to cook indoors is good for emergencies.

You get the idea.

So we got started.  Actually we started a while back before the hurricanes hit South Florida and cleared out the shed.  That gave me the open "16th Puzzle Piece".

I talk about this often.  There is a game that has 15 square pieces.  Usually has numbers on them.  There is one piece missing, the 16th Puzzle Piece.  You slide the pieces around to get them out of order for someone and then hand it to them to "fix".  I guess it was a Rubix Cube before there were any.

I often joke that I feel like the 16th Puzzle Piece.

It makes me feel like a banana.  Or this banana leaf, you never know where they will crop up.

Once you have managed to go out to the shed to get that piece you need to fix something that just broke, you notice the yard and the plants and take a pause.

But there is rather a lot to get done.

Also remember, the dog lives here and you don't.   Different lecture but the tumbleweeds under the AC Intake that the dog left there need to be picked up reminding you that you need to replace the filter bag in the vacuum and no you can't just pull the old dirt out and dump it into the trash because that bag had that done once already.

It's a process.

But I will say that if you are reading this and your Turkey is still frozen, you may be out of luck.

I can help but I am not guaranteeing it will work...

Place your wrapped in plastic, frozen, and un-thawed meat (Turkey, Chicken, Beef, it doesn't matter) into the sink that has been thoroughly cleaned and plugged up.  Fill the sink with tap water.  It does not have to be hot, and it won't be for long.  Submerge that package of meat/poultry/frozen stuff in the water.   Check back in an hour.

The water will speed your thawing up.  It's of course at your own risk so make sure it isn't in there longer than you need it to thaw and it does not spoil.  The good thing is that it is faster and safer than leaving a frozen block of dinner out on the counter overnight.  But you do need to use your own judgement on how long to keep it in the water bath.

At least that one hour will let you vacuum the dog or the cat fur out of the kitchen and maybe even let you scour the bathtub.

Isn't having guests a pain in the tail?

Speaking of guests and pets - remember don't let anyone feed traditional Thanksgiving food to the dog.  Raisins, onions, and many of the herbs and spices that are in that feast will sicken or kill your dog outright.  Better to stick with their dog food if there is any doubt.


And no matter how much they beg, no Onions for the dog.

When you're through with all of that and the meal is done, you can start on the wiring in the backyard.  You really did want to get the low voltage wiring run the 100 feet from the front yard to the shed so you can see inside the thing, didn't you?

Ok lets just skip it and hit the Chinese restaurant for some Curried Chicken instead!  They're open, aren't they?

Sunday, November 19, 2017

My neighbors are listening to good music whether they like it or not.

Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out. 

He asks "why does that Pig only have three legs?"
She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said "but why does the Pig only have three legs?" 
She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked "why does the Pig only have three legs?"
After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

A Dad is washing a car with his son. The son asks: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

The first man: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

The second man: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

The third man: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,
"Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?"

The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,
"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Popcorn Peanut Brittle with Chocolate Chips

I got hungry.  This happened.  Tasty too!

Actually this had been in the back of my mind.  Something similar to any one of dozens of commercial Popcorn Peanut Toffee candies.

And boy is it good.  Just be careful, it's not exactly a light dessert.

I followed my own recipe for Peanut Brittle, then poured it over some pre-popped popcorn.  But in case you want a recipe, here goes.

Popcorn:

  • Get a cookie sheet and line with Parchment Paper or Foil.
  • Lightly grease it.  (Optional).
  • Pop one bag of microwave popcorn or loose popcorn to cover the cookie sheet one layer deep.
  • Put the popcorn on to your cookie sheet.
  • Add two ounces of chocolate chips to the top of the popcorn, evenly.

Next:  Make Brittle.

Full recipe is at this link, but I will repeat it here after the process for this step.

4 ounces of cleaned and skinless nuts.  I used unsalted peanuts.
2 ounces/4 tablespoons of butter at room temperature and sliced into thin pieces.
1 cup of sugar.
2 ounces of water.

  • To a cold 2 quart saucepan, add the sugar and water.  
  • Stir the ingredients to mix.
  • Turn on heat Medium High to High.
  • Boil until the mix turns "toffee colored"
  • Add the nuts, stir, and count to ten.
  • Add butter.  The butter will boil immediately.  Stir 
  • Remove from heat and pour over the popcorn mix.

Serve:  Allow to cool fully, break into Bite Sized Pieces.

Oh! and all of it is 1400 calories plus your popcorn calories. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Which side of a leopard has more spots? The outside.

Since I'm putting this together early and am waiting for the pizza crust to rise a bit, he's some cheese for you!


Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?
Da brie was everywhere!
Gouda thing nobody was hurt!
Did anyone else notice that things like these are becoming more and more provolone recently?


A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"


Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taken a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.


My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Saturday, November 11, 2017

What's the difference between a superhero and a professional wrestler? Superheroes fight for a just cause; wrestlers fight just 'cause.

Happy Veterans Day.  11/11/1917 at 11:11AM.  Someone with Clock OCD said we all stop fighting at that time, instead of stopping immediately. 


And speaking of time:


A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."

The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".

The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".



Furthermore, Brains:



Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then, they asked him to count to ten. 
The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." 

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. 
The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." 

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. 
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Debian Linux Stretch - Backup or Restore Your Blog or Website Into Your New Server Using Blogger or Wordpress

Writers will understand this.

Have you ever meant to write something but had no idea what to call it?  This is where I am at.

Basically these instructions will work with Blogger or Wordpress.
It will work with any operating system because both of those are Cloud based.
Wordpress may be "local" or on the cloud.

I tagged this with Debian because it's a logical endpoint for a series of articles that I wrote here about how to create a Debian Web Server with Wordpress so that you can muck about with your systems.

Blogger is only blogs, but these instructions for Wordpress may be used for entire websites if you are working with Wordpress only.

First: Export your Blog or Website

Blogger:

  1. Log in, 
  2. Go to the Settings page
  3. Select Other
  4. Click on the button to "Back up content"
  5. Click on "Save to Computer"
  6. Tell the browser where to save the file.
  7. Success!


Wordpress:

  1. Log in to your wp-admin page
  2. Click on "Tools"
  3. Click on "Export"
  4. Click on "Start Export" button
  5. Choose What To Export.  "All Content" is most likely.
  6. Click on "Download Export"
  7. Go to your email account that is specified in the message and follow the link to download your blog's content.


Second: Import your Blog or Website

Blogger:

  1. Log in, 
  2. Go to the Settings page
  3. Select Other
  4. Click on the button to "Import content"
  5. Check the box saying "I am not a Robot"
  6. Check the box saying "Automatically Publish"
  7. Answer the annoying Capcha and click the appropriate pictures
  8. Click on "Import from Computer"
  9. Tell the browser where to find the file.
  10. Success!

Wordpress:

  1. Log in to your wp-admin page
  2. Click on "Tools"
  3. Click on "Import"
  4. Click on the link for the kind of blog you want to "Run Importer
  5. Click on "Browse" to Choose File to import.
  6. Find your file on your computer.  
  7. Assign Author, Click the box saying to "Download and Import File Attachments"
  8. Click on "Submit"
  9. Success!  But note that the information will be in which ever template that you had chosen for the install of the Wordpress software.  You will probably want to adjust that as needed since it probably does not match the original blog.
All this will take a while, go pet your dog, or make coffee.
 
At this point your server will have your blog or website. 
In my case, it's local so I can make changes to my look and feel without harming my "production" website.
That new site can be anywhere, it could be on Wordpress on the cloud.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

What did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged? Call the cups!

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.

Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.

Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?

Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?

Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!




I was at the gas station...
And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!"
I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!

I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking "What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?" But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.
He looked me square in the eyes and said ... "Waving a firearm!"

Saturday, November 4, 2017

I found a baby sheep wrapped in plastic sheets the other day. It had been lamb-inated

A couple were struggling making a baby

They had just married and wanted to have kids. But for some unlucky reason, they had trouble conceiving.

Few months go past and finally! The wife is pregnant. The couple is super excited and happy as ever. The day comes when the wife is giving birth, and out comes a head... just a head. The baby was breathing and crying, but the doctors could not explain why he didn't have a body.

As sad as this was, it didn't phase the parents. They gave him a beautiful home, a great education, and a wonderful life. They did their best to not let their child feel disadvantaged, and it worked, because the child grew up to be a happy and successful student.

On the kid's 18th birthday, his father and some family friends took him out to have a beer. This was his first ever beer, and his father felt like he deserved it. Using a straw, the kid took his first ever sip of beer, and all of a sudden, his body stretches out! And some arms! And legs too!

He couldn't believe it, no one did. The kid became ecstatic and began rejoicing. He got up, and ran out of the pub to celebrate and spread the news to the other townsfolk, and WHAM! he gets hit by a bus.

His father looks from the window, and says "Well, he should've quit while he was ahead"

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Cooler Weather, Potatoes, and A Weird Dog Walk

Roasted Potatoes Picture from Wikimedia.com
I am not expecting any more hurricanes this season.

No, it's not like Granny saying her "Rheumatiz" is firing up and predicting the weather.

It's more like the pool is cooling, the house is cooling, and the windows are open.

There are just some things you don't want to do when the weather is hot.  Roasting a chicken or some potatoes, or both is one of them.

Of course I know some people who would say that they would never want to do that, for various reasons.  But if the temps are in the mid 90s and will be for two months, you tend to hold off doing that sort of thing.

It's that "Who Needs More Heat" mindset.

But this week has been what passes for cool here.  High in the 70s and warming to the low 80s.

Blistering hot for anyone living in the northern latitudes.  For us here in Sunny Florida, it's perfect weather to roast those root vegetables.

No, it's not a recipe, but since you asked.  Scrub the potatoes well, score the flesh, rub with a little olive oil and perhaps salt or pepper or both.  Wrap in foil.  Toss in the oven at 450F for an hour.  Should be close enough. 

Larger potatoes take an extra 15 minutes to 30.  Test with a fork.

That's how I have been heating the house.  Or at least I did when what passes for cold here arrived.

Yeah, cold.  Get out the survival gear, it's 56!

Someone who is Farenheit Impaired would wonder what on Earth I am talking about.  Then do the conversion and wonder why I am complaining about a 15 C Day.

Here, when that happens, we're all in black, and sunning ourselves on a rock.  Yes, Florida turns you into a big lizard.  We get cranky and dress for sub freezing temps when things are merely "cool" to the rest of the world.

Tropical countries would agree.

So when we go to the market later this week, I will look long and hard at that Roasting Chicken, and debate getting more potatoes to "Heat the House".

Wandering around town, I noticed that the people aren't the only ones noticing. 

Rack the SuperDog (TM) also has more energy.  The walks are getting crazy long. 
Having a smart dog means that they aren't just a lump of cute.  You see, my boy learned the neighborhood.  He knows its bounds.  He knows where to go and where not to go.


I got up that morning and said "Lets go, Show me walk".

Bad idea. 

I was cold and cranky.  It was two hours to sunrise.  I just wanted to get back inside.

We went out, and got walking.  He did his business quickly.  Now normally a lazy middle aged dog coupled to a cranky and tired man means a short walk.

Nope.  We got out a half mile from home.  He turned back toward the house.  When we got to the turn to the house he stopped, looked up at me, smiled, and did a 90 degree turn wrenching my arm out of my socket.

I bent down, picked up my detatched arm, slid it back inside the leather jacket that would have been unnecessary had we lived in a more normal climate, and attached it into position. 

Turbines whirred, lights flashed, pilot noises happened with servo noises and beeps.  My arm was reattached with a metallic click.  Handy to have a way to take a trip into the future.

"Rack!  Wait up!"  I plodded after him. 

We walked another half mile out.  Usually at this point he is ready to go home.

Or so I thought. 

We got to walk back to the house, but when we got there, he spun up his robotic space-legs, and pulled me through a warp in Space-Time past the welcoming abode.

"Boy, are we going for more?" 

He looked back at me, smiled again, and I shrugged as we passed into another dimension.

Or maybe not.

Total walk was a three mile long one.  Five Kilometers.

He is a herding dog after all. 

But that's the thing.  Take advantage of the day, whether it is blistering hot, or frigid cold, or what ever you call it.

There will be fresh potatoes waiting for you when you're back.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

What's the best part in a boxing joke? The punchline.

A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."

"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man drive my car?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Well, will you have sex with another man at some point?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"
"Nah. He's left-handed."


How about a wee bonus?   Sure....


Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”
I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”
“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

I left my chicken feed out in the rain and it turned into porridge overnight. Could I be accused of gruelty to animals?

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.

“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.”

He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction.

My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.

“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him

To which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

How Much Chocolate Is Too Much?

When someone near to me came home from London, he brought me something that I appreciated very much.

I just did not know how much?

I mean... this is apparently a "Thing" in Britain.  

By which I mean "Supersized" chocolate bars.






I am laughing at the display on my room organizer right now.  This is ... ridiculous.

But it is a "thing" there, and the reality is that there is the concept of a reasonable amount of any given food to eat.

Really, this is huge!  The sheer size of it has me laughing.

Way up at the top of the picture is a "standard" single serving Hershey's Chocolate bar.  It's not my favorite chocolate by a long shot, but here in the land of Big Food and Cheap Food, it's what we think of as a single serving.

Granted, it is 220 calories which is a bit large for some of my more petite friends to have in one sitting.  I have a friend who is 1/2 my size and weight, and that 1.55 ounce, or 43 gram serving is what should be about all she should have of candy or dessert all day.

My being twice that size I'm maintaining weight with twice that amount per day.  I lose a pound all week, gain it back on the weekend, and I have since High School.  It's in balance.  My doctor had no complaints about my weight or my fitness level at all.


Rule of thumb is calories are to be balanced from 30% Fat, 30% Carb, 40% Protein. 

Training Diets are 1 gram protein per pound of weight.  Lower Fat and Carbs as needed.  Good luck with that.

Nutrition guidelines aside... that little bar is a "single serving".

Now, since what we get here in Los Estados Unidos with the name Cadbury doesn't taste right to me, I have a standing order with anyone going to England to bring back Cadbury Chocolates.

It used to be that Cadbury was made by Hershey by license.  It also does not taste right to me, nor the same. 

Close, but not quite.  Kit Kats are the same too for me.  I could be wrong.

Could be the water, or that the chocolate is different.  I don't know.  When I have a Cadbury branded chocolate here I don't think it tastes "right" to me.  My opinion.  I'd just rather get Cadbury imported from Old Blighty than walk down the block to the rather excellent candy store and get a bar there.

Maybe I should.  Just not today.

That and my licorice allsorts.  Bassetts.  They're stale if I get them locally, but amazing if bought at the airport at Gatwick just before you leave.

Please Exit the UK via the Gift Shop.  Don't forget your Licorice and your ridiculously large chocolate bars!

So I am getting enough from other sources.

Then there's that bar of Cadbury Fruit and Nut in the middle.   It is 300 grams.  10.58 ounces.

And don't get me on Your Country Should Go Metric.  We did, it's just we have a translation layer there so it makes things easier for us.  All our units of measurements are defined as a multiple of Grams or Liters or what have you.

Maybe you shouldn't have a license plate for a candy bar.

Anyway, at 495 calories per 100 grams, the whole bar is 1485 calories.  At 212 calories per serving it serves 7. 

Seven.  And that is the middle sized bar. 

When I first saw that bar I thought it was insanely sized.  Why?  Because I know people who would attempt to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Don't do that.  Nearly a day's budget of calories for a tall woman in one bar of chocolate is insane.  Just Don't Do it.

Well, at least that's the math if I can read the British Nutrition Label.   They suggest a more reasonable serving size of a little more than an ounce.

While people in Britain are smaller than in some parts of the US - Buddy, you folks are catching up.

But that fruit and nut bar that I truly enjoyed massively was a shock when I saw it.  Ok, "Gift Sized" was what I called it.

What about that plank of Dairy Milk in the box.  On the bottom of the picture. 

Come on Cadbury, you're kidding me!  800 Grams?

Yes, I know, Portion Control.  I've been doing portion control for so long that I can estimate calories in my head - and do.

800 Grams.  28.22 Ounces.

When I saw it I asked "What the hell is that thing, is it really chocolate?"

Yep!  I am laughing at the massive bounty of chocolate that that is.

Real good chocolate too.  The way a Cadbury Chocolate Bar should taste. 

And yes, I will enjoy it, completely.  Every last gram.  But I will "Do The Math".

For 100 grams, it is 530 calories.
For the whole bar that is an amazing 4240 Calories.

Serving size according to Cadbury is a measly 25 grams or 132 calories.

So a giant 800 gram bar serves 32?

I'm laughing at that. 

No wonder why the NHS is moving to disallow hospitals to sell these on premises.  I would say that the heft and size of the thing, it could be used as a weapon.

So I guess the whole supersizing thing that we went through here, they did in Britain, differently.

Good luck folks, I'm still laughing at the bar being so bloody large!

At least I have until December 2018 to finish all this stuff!

I'll go with a roughly 200 calorie serving and enjoy each bit.  By the time I finish all this stuff, this "table leveler" block of chocolate, someone else will be going back to England and coming back with a ludicrously large bar of chocolate again.

It will be appreciated.

Six Chunks at a time.  I just want to watch the world burn and have a wee bit more.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Girl are you a turtle? Because your hot as shell!

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves.

When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "
Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Saturday, October 21, 2017

A Story of Two Jokes In One

I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together.

Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthest into a deep mud puddle will win. So the first guy rears back, throws his brick, and it sinks 6 inches into the mud. The second guy takes aim, throws his brick up, and it sinks a full foot into the mud. Then the third guy takes his shot, throws his brick up... and it doesn’t come down.

The second joke is thus: A woman decides she wants to visit her mother in the hospital after a recent surgery. She decides she will take her pet parrot too, since her mother loves seeing him. Unfortunately, her mother lives several states away and the only viable travel option is on a no pets, no smoking flight the next day (this is, of course, before no smoking on any flight). So she decides she will smuggle her parrot in under a jacket.

So the next day, the woman packs her bag, dons a jacket and takes her parrot to the airport. Once there, she gives the parrot a treat and hides him in her jacket. Once the plane takes off, the captain comes out into the cabin to speak with the passengers. In his mouth is the biggest cigar anyone in this flight has ever seen. As he reaches the woman, he asks her how she is enjoying the flight. “Just fine,” she responds. “Well great, we should be there in time, so please enjoy the flight.”

As he is just about to walk away, the pilot hears Arw, Polly want a cracker. “What was that?” the pilot asks. “Oh, nothing!” ARW, POLLY WANT A CRACKER! “You have a parrot!” The pilot exclaims. “Well you have a cigar!” The woman responds, equally enraged.

The captain reaches over, opens the woman’s jacket, and pulls out the parrot. “You’re not allowed to have a parrot on this plane,” the pilot says. The woman snatches the cigar out of the pilot’s mouth and retorts, “Well you’re not allowed to have a cigar on this plane!”

At this point, the pilot has had enough, so he opens a window and throws the parrot out the window. Furious, the woman throws the pilot’s cigar out the window before he has a chance to close it. As the pilot storms back to the cockpit, the lady sits down fuming over the loss of her beloved pet parrot.

After the pilot has had a chance to calm down, and has put the entire event from his mind, he hears a tapping, tap tap tap, at his window. He looks over and what should he see but the parrot. And it has something in its beak.

Now you might think the parrot grabbed the pilot’s cigar, but no. In its beak is...

The brick.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Ginger Blossom and Frog

Travel.  Broaden Your Horizons.

Bring a camera.

All that.

I don't actually get into the Jeep often.  15 year old car with only 46,000 miles on it.  So when I do go for a drive, there has to be a reason, and I almost always really enjoy it.  It's a fun vehicle to drive, and I'll get there.  You may not, but I will.

The occasion was that I got to visit one of my favorite people, my godmother Kathie.  She's a prime example of love makes a family.  The godparent tradition came from our childhood, and we both have found different spiritual paths.  But we stayed in touch via her moves to Florida, my much later move, and many years.

Plus she's great company. 

I got a message in my email asking if I wanted to come up and enjoy a lunch in the restaurant.  Sure! Great! When?

When became a rainy trip up.  We've had a lot of random smallish rain storms.  Fun.  I've got the right car for it.  30 inch rubber donuts, no lifts, it's a Jeep not a Mudder.  My theory is that 10 mpg is no fun, and while the car is rated 15, I drive gently and get 18 city, 22 Highway. 

Not a Prius.  But I don't fit in a Prius.

After watching people do stupid things on the back roads, and one clown spin out, I got there. 

We chatted, I added her printer to her Mac, and we went out to look at the Preserve.  Hurricane Irma took out a few trees, including a Honeybell Orange that I will miss.  But she did point out the Ginger plant.  We've got one too that I just planted, so I was interested to see it in bloom.

You know that motto, Always Bring A Camera? 

She lifted a fallen leaf to show me the blooms and right there, sitting on the flower was this wee little Frog. 

"I need a Picture of that!"
"For Ramblingmoose.com?"
"Of Course!"

So there it is.  We still don't know if that is an Ornamental or Culinary Ginger, but it is a pretty thing.  The flowers merely smell Floral instead of smelling like a Gingerbread.  That may be what I will get out back by the shed.

The ginger, not the frogs.   Frogs are welcome too.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I saw an elephant crossing the road. I named him a Chicken

Joanne Worley would appreciate that ... "WAS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?"
The woman never said anything quietly!


As for this joke... I can tell it, I'm part Irish.


Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a clock!"

Saturday, October 14, 2017

They say you can hear your blood pump ... if you listen varicosely.

I was walking down the street when I came across a particularly dirty looking homeless man

I took out my wallet, extracted $10, and asked "if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" Replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting."

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Peanut Brittle Recipe - One of the easiest I have found





Peanut Brittle.  It's basically a butter toffee that peanuts or some other nut is poured into and allowed to cool.  The nuts are cooked and come out slightly softer.


I usually make this with Pecans since we can get them cheap, and they have a stronger flavor.

Most recipes have a couple of steps.  This one only has two.

This recipe does not use baking soda for leavening.  When you add the ROOM TEMPERATURE butter to the candy, it will almost instantly boil creating bubbles that will add volume and make it easier to eat.

If you prefer a thinner candy, wait a few seconds, and the bubbles will die down.

This also works if you switch the nuts out for about an ounce (28 Grams) of lightly chopped roasted coffee beans.  If you use Espresso Grind coffee, you end up with a smoother texture.

I will say that the taste with Espresso is very reminiscent of a specific Japanese candy that I can very rarely find.  They look like a toffee but are very dark brown and taste like a sweet coffee or a Cuban coffee.  Hard to find here in South Florida, so when I discovered this, it was a special treat.

It's all up to you.

As for calories?  It's candy for crying out loud:

1 Cup Sugar = 774 Calories
4 ounces unsalted roasted peanuts =  426 Calories
1 ounce Butter = 200 Calories

Total = 1400 calories.

Yes, that is the full recipe calorie count.  If you sit down and eat the entire recipe you should reconsider your diet choices.  I'd say about 1 1/2 ounce is a good (approximately) 200 calorie serving size.  Leaving it out on the counter like I do is a mistake since it means I'm grazing on the stuff all day.

On the other hand since there is no baking soda in it... well you don't have that gassy problem do you?

This also makes a "reasonable" amount to make in a wet climate.  There isn't so much that you will have to worry about it getting sticky from the humidity or it simply lingering because you got bored.

It threw together in about 10 minutes - so it's a dangerous recipe, if you enjoy the stuff!

Ingredients:

  • 1 Cup Granulated Sugar
  • 2 Ounces Water
  • 4 Ounces Unsalted Peanuts, Pecans, Walnuts, Macadamia Nuts, or any combination you prefer
  • 2 Tablespoons ROOM TEMPERATURE butter
  • Salt to taste - or not, I do not



Process:

  1. Prepare a cookie sheet with aluminum foil or parchment paper.
  2. Grease lightly cookie sheet with oil.
  3. Chunk the butter into small pieces and set aside.
  4. Lightly Chop the nuts - Or not, your preference.
  5. Add to a 2 quart/Liter sauce pan the water and sugar.
  6. Mix the sugar and water until well dissolved.
  7. Place the sugar water mix on medium high heat until boiling.
  8. Stir the sugar water while on the heat.
  9. Continue to boil the sugar water until it reaches a proper tan/caramel/toffee color.
  10. Add the butter and nuts at the same time and remove from heat while stirring. 
  11. The mixture will foam as the water in the butter boils off.
  12. Pour onto a cookie sheet lined with Parchment Paper or Aluminum Foil.
  13. Allow to cool to room temperature and break into bite sized bits.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for centuries? Church

This one got me laughing so loudly that I woke the dog.  Enjoy!


A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Did you know that the British have a special piece of clothing for their favorite meal of the day? It’s called a Tea Shirt.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife.

Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera.

Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing.

She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said.
"Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone.

I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Debian Linux Stretch - Installing WordPress

Ok, earlier I installed Debian Linux Stretch using this guide.

It was wordy because I wrote it, and it had 26 steps because I wanted to make it absolutely as easy as making breakfast.

It worked because this is being written on that machine.


Next I installed the LAMP stack using this guide.

Not so wordy, and again, that's this machine.  LAMP is a web server, and if you're coming here to find out how to install WordPress, you already knew that.


Now I am getting ready to install Wordpress.  I'm doing it as I am writing, so assuming I have the right information to guide me, I'll have success.  I am using this guide to help me.  Also if I haven't made a thorough hash of installing LAMP, it should "Just Work".

WordPress is a pretty easy install, I've done it before on a Cloud Server, and I've done it before on a machine here, and a couple of random places in the past.

My install here expects a few basic things.
  • You followed my guides to build the server and it is running.
  • You have physical access to the server to simplify the process.
  • Commands will be run from the terminal as root.

Creating the database for WordPress:

A) Log In as Root to Mysql or MariaDB
  • mysql -u root -p
B) Create a regular user for WordPress- replace userpassword with a much better password!
  • CREATE USER 'wpuser'@'localhost' IDENTIFIED BY 'userpassword';
C)  Create wp_database
  • CREATE DATABASE wp_database;
D) Grant the WordPress User full access to the wp_database
  • GRANT ALL ON `wp_database`.* TO `wpuser`@`localhost`;
E) Flush your privileges and exit MySQL/MariaDB
  • FLUSH PRIVILEGES;
  • exit;

Get WordPress and Unpack it

A) Download the package into your ~/Downloads directory
  • cd Downloads
  • wget https://wordpress.org/latest.tar.gz
B) Unpack the package into the WordPress directory
  • tar xpf latest.tar.gz
C)  Remove everything in your web server's html directory and copy the WordPress package to it. 

  • REMEMBER:  If you have anything important in that /var/www/html directory it will be gone so back it up if you need it
  • rm -rf /var/www/html
  • cp -r wordpress /var/www/html
D) Set permissions and ownership for the WordPress install to function as designed.
  • chown -R www-data:www-data /var/www/html
  • find /var/www/html -type d -exec chmod 755 {} \;
  • find /var/www/html -type f -exec chmod 644 {} \;

Set Up WordPress

A) Access the process.  The WordPress setup is Browser Driven.  Surf to your localhost, or the correct web address URL to get to it.  In my case it is in Firefox:

  • http://localhost/wp-admin
 B) Supply wp-admin the correct information.  In my case:

  • Language: English
  • (OK)
  • (Let's Go)
  • Database: wp_database
  • Username: wpuser
  • Password: userpassword (Yes, Literally 'userpassword' or your better password)
  • Database Host: localhost
  • Table Prefix: wp_
  • Click Submit 
 
C) Run The Install by clicking the button.


The Five Minute WordPress Install Process

At this point, you launch into an install to create the basics for your WordPress website.

A) Information Needed:

  • Site Title - This is the name of the site you wish to create.
  • Username
  • Password
  • Confirm use of weak password if this box appears.
  • Your Email
  • Search Engine Visibility (Click the check box if you do not want to show in searches)
  • Click (Install WordPress) button
B) The Success page will show you your WordPress username and indicate your chosen password for you to proceed.
  • Click Log In

Now you can do a happy dance.  You're done.  Go create a site.

WordPress will put a red button up for each thing that it needs to have updated.

At this point you may be creative and make a site.  You may want to explore templates, but a basic site can be slapped together quickly.

The results are that if you are on that machine, and surf http://localhost you will get a basic page with the information that you put in.

On the other hand, this is not perfect.  I surfed it from my phone and another computer here, and I got all the text but not the template.  So you will probably have some configuration to do.

But... This is good enough to get started.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

What do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Why don't cows skip leg day? To keep their calves in shape!

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.

He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Debian Linux Stretch - Installing The LAMP Stack

This Linux Thing is no more difficult than your Windows Thing.  Let that sink in.

It's an operating system.  You have probably been using Windows since you were a wee brat.  That is bound to be years and years of training.  I've been using Linux since the mid 1990s, probably earlier.

Oh and I am still learning.  I like to learn so that's why I keep coming back.

One very important point - It's all about how good you are at finding the Correct Instructions.  

I spent three hours going through some instructions that were from the Debian Wiki until I hit a road block.  That led me to realize that the Debian Wiki has an incomplete article on how to install the LAMP Stack on an older version of the operating system.  Even if I had read it through top to bottom first, I would not have found that out until I actually started using it.

LAMP is what you are installing.

  • L is Linux.  If you got here, you have it or are researching it.  Debian, or a derivative like Ubuntu.
  • A Is Apache.  That is the actual web server.  You can write basic web pages if you have this installed.
  • M is MySQL or MariaDB.  It's the database so you can write data driven pages.
  • P is PHP or it could be Python or Perl.  That's your scripting language.

"Yeah, I know, me too."  That was basic stuff for people just learning.

At any rate, I went back to the web and found another page from which I am using for my own instructions.  If something isn't quite right with what I am writing below, then check back there.

This is a recipe so I can come back later when I get interested in trying this on another machine.

Importantly, there is a design strategy called "Don't Break Debian".  Don't install anything outside of Debian's Repositories or you may end up with a broken install.  While that is a bit impractical in many cases, and I have gone "outside" Debian, things do sometimes not work or they work strangely. 

If you find an install somewhere that says add a repository, then your caution flags should go up.

On the other hand, it also implies that you should use Debian's information first before you go outside to another site.  Since i am writing this, it shows that I don't agree.  Their info was flawed.


Here are the instructions, as brief as possible:
All commands are done from Terminal as Root.


Prep - Get the Computer up to date.:
  • apt update
  • apt upgrade
  • apt dist-upgrade

MariaDB:
  • apt install mariadb-client mariadb-server
  • mysql -u root -p   (add a root password)
  • CREATE DATABASE newdb;
  • CREATE USER 'user'@'localhost' IDENTIFIED BY 'password';
  • GRANT ALL PRIVILEGES ON newdb.* to 'bill'@'localhost';
  • FLUSH PRIVILEGES;
  • quit

PHP:
  • apt install php7.0 php7.0-mysql

Apache2:
  • apt install apache2 apache2-mod-php7.0

Testing the Server
  • mousepad /var/www/html/index.php
  • enter this on the first line, save, and quit:  <? php phpinfo( ) ?>
  • firefox localhost/index.php 
  • Result is you will see information about your system in Firefox, or chrome if you must.

PHPMYADMIN:
  • apt install phpmyadmin
Answer following questions by hitting space and then tab to OK and enter:
  • Web Server: Apache2
  • PHPCOMMON: Yes
  • MySQL Application Password - same as you created earlier
Test with the following to get to the PHPMyAdmin login page:
  • firefox localhost/phpmyadmin

That's it.  You're done.  Took me less time than installing the operating system which was under a half hour.  Granted I'm on a fast computer and reasonable internet speeds.

There is one more thing to consider.  I am not worried about anyone hacking my server because this is not exposed to the internet.  If you are going to proceed with this server serving pages to the world, you will most certainly need to get the security brought up to date.  I don't believe that this server even has a firewall active at this point.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye. Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

Ok, so it's a wee joke with a wee bit of humor!


An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant that they used to regularly go on dates to.

It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"

With a smile and a nod, the wife agrees and they venture outside and into the alley around the restaurant.

Not long afterward, a bike patrol cop rolls past the alleyway and hears the most intense love-making session known to man, the couples' shouts echoing into the street.

He flashed his headlights onto the couple just after they had finished and with a puzzled look, he asked "What are you two doing? I don't think I've ever seen a couple go at it with such passion and intensity in all my years."

The old man, pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, replied, "Yeah, well fifty years ago this place didn't have electrified fences here."

Saturday, September 23, 2017

The Thermos is the most intelligent thing in the world. It knows how to keep hot things hot and cold things cold.

The thermos.

A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B) noticed the man.

MAN B: "Hey you! What you got there?"
MAN A: "It's called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!"
MAN B: "Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!"

The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.
MAN B: "Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!"
MAN A: "Great! What did you bring for lunch?"
MAN B: "2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!"

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Is Anyone Writing Documentation Anymore?

So the last exercise I had done before Hurricane Irma hit was to take a computer and completely install a new operating system onto it.

I will be doing that again today, from my own instructions.

Sure, it's a bit esoteric, some people are good at reading between the lines. 

The problem with that is that you end up spinning your wheels and finding that something you assumed, you assumed wrong.

For the record, when I write documentation, I write it as I do it.  That way I know it actually works.

It may have taken 26 steps once you had all the pieces, but if you had my hardware and the right software, you'd have a nice happy laptop running Debian.  Thinkpad Laptop, X201 or fairly similar, although the version of Debian I used (Non-Free) was fairly liberal with getting what you need for many more laptops.  Evil Wifi Drivers not withstanding.

The next step was to find documentation to install a web server.

The trick with installing complex software these days is that you basically have to find the right documentation. Or to be more precise, the correct documentation.  Documentation that is complete and actually will work.

Oh and of course you personally have to read and understand what you are reading.  No distractions allowed.

However, it is rare that you will find exactly the right documentation to do what you want.  Often software is updated and that documentation you used two years ago to do that exact thing no longer works.

Highly common in the open source world, some very minor tweak will change where the files are and you are back online doing a search for what you were looking for.

In the consumer software world, you have a similar situation where the documentation was only partially updated since it was originally released.  Think Windows XP vs Windows 8.1 vs Window 10.  Things just moved around drastically within Windows itself let alone functionality.

I got "caught short" with trying to install a web server.  Did it before.  No problem.  Since it is an open source project, you get what you pay for sometimes.  Following the wrong guide I got the entire web server working.  I just don't have any passwords for anything.

As they say on a football field:  Drop Back 5 and Kick.

That would be American Football.  I never played Soccer, at least not for any length of time.   All that running around annoyed me.

So at some point I'll re-attempt that mess.  FInd another tutorial that promises to install the LAMP stack and write down what I did.

Or I will find that one bug and fix it all.  My choice, after all.  

That is why I keep this blog.  Many times I need to do something more than once.   Create a Linux Web Server, save it off, then reproduce the results on a different computer a year later.

So when I post a long diatribe on how to do this and the other thing, I'm doing it for Future Me.  So I don't end up banging my head on a wall.

Like Today.  I got it wrong.  Happens.  Time to start over.

For now, I'll just go look for the football.  Maybe the dog will chase it around the yard.  Blow off some steam.  Finish my Spanish for the day. 

Try, Try again.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

Three men were driving through a desert while on vacation when all of a sudden the car breaks down.

The three men get out to see what the problem is only to find out the engine block cracked so they agree that they have to go find help and to meet back at the car by nightfall.

They all go to the trunk of the car to see if they have any provisions for their walk and find a jug of water and a loaf of bread.

The first man quickly grabs the jug of water explaining to the other two that if he gets hot he'll just drink some water and keep walking until he finds help and starts to go on his way.

The second man grabs the bread and explains to his friend that if he gets hungry on his journey that he'll just eat some bread and keep walking until he finds help and leaves going a different direction.

The third man is left alone and realizes he has nothing to help him survive the desert so he unbolts the car door and starts walking into the desert in a different direction from the first two.

A hour or so later a desert soldier who was on patrol noticed the first man and asked him if he was ok.

The first man explained his situation and assured the soldier that he was ok because if he got hot he could just drink his water.
The soldier pointed in a direction and told him to head to his headquarters for help while he searched for the mans friends and headed out again.

A couple of hours later he found the second man still searching for help.
The soldier asked him if he was ok and the second man told him he was because he had his bread to eat whenever he got hungry.
The soldier explained that he found the first man and to start heading toward the car as help would soon arrive and headed out again to try and find the third man.

The soldier found the third man in no time but was confused as to why he was carrying the car door.

When the soldier asked the man why he casually explained that it gets really hot in the desert and if he gets too hot he can just roll down the window to cool off.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Girl are you a newspaper? Cause you’ve got a new issue everyday.

Since the storm has passed and people are running around cleaning up, how about a little toilet humor.

Just a little.  Suitable for all audiences, of course.




Bobby has to use the restroom.

Realizing that he has to, very badly, he raises his hand.

"Teacher, can I use the restroom?"

His teacher looked up from her desk, where she was going through the lesson plans for the day. "If you can say the alphabet correctly, then you may." she replied.
Bobby shook his head. "But I have to go, really bad!" he said.

His teacher was adamant. "Not until you recite your alphabet."
Bobby looked desperate. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."

His teacher shook her head. "Bobby, you forgot P."
"No, I didn't." Bobby sighed. "It's running down my leg."

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Hurricane Irma, The Wait For Power

Really.   If I can sit here on a Wednesday Morning and bust out some blather about the electricity being out and that's about it, then I will survive.

The one story that keeps coming through my mind is a woman on Barbuda in the Caribbean.  She was one of 1600 people there.  She was watching a baby and a tornado hit her home.  The baby was sucked out of her arms.  Baby found dead later when the storm passed.

Really.  So, count your blessings.  If you are reading me, you are better off.

We are without power.  The gasoline supplies are very low, we're waiting on the coast guard to allow tankers into Port Everglades to refill.  I guess we join a long line to fill gas cans like many others.

But we're intact here.

I caught news that the west side of the state, Naples, Fort Myers, and the like got slammed by this horrible storm.  Here, not so much.  We didn't have a predicted 9 feet of water in a storm surge come in.  We did have white-out conditions with rain so strong that I couldn't see the wall of a building 250 feet away briefly.

The eye of the storm crossed Cudjoe Key.  Call it MM 52 - 52 miles East of Key West.  As well as they prepared, anything not nailed down is now not in the house.  Those folks will need help getting onto their feet.

So I'll return to putting the plants back out and scooping my neighbor's tree leaves out of the pool.  Not unscathed, just a bit muddy.  Not really even worth taking pictures of it.

A cycle of running the generator an hour, then waiting three hours to run again.  It keeps the bags of ice in the freezer frozen and the refrigerator cool.

Much better off than many.

Yes.  This is global warming.  Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fool and should be returned to their medications.  Anyone who makes laws or votes to the contrary is a damn fool and probably should not be allowed to effect other's lives.

But after all is said and done.  A few observations.

Gasoline.  I suspect the state has been pretty much drained of this stuff.  We're ok for four days now, after having gotten some.  I'm sure many won't be as lucky.  Some of the lines were blocks long.  Police were thankfully directing people around.

And Gasoline is beginning to flow in which is a major plus.  It will take a while before we start to see supplies even out in South Florida.  There was a report that in Tampa, simply forget it.  Again, Thankful but that could be "helped".

Traffic.  We drove down to Davie about 10 miles off.  I have to say the roads work better with fewer lights.  I've heard a saying that "Every Traffic Light Means Someone Died Here" but I have to question if streets aren't just badly designed and enforcement of traffic laws are simply not stringent enough.  If you follow the rules, you'll have a better time of it.  If you drive a car like an idiot, you'll wreck it for everyone else.

A Traffic Light that is out is considered a Four Way Stop by the universal vehicle code.  Yes, Even For you.

We did make it to Wawa in Davie.  The line was untenable.  Close to 100 cars waiting for fuel.  Might need to get up in the middle of the night to attempt it next time.

Count your blessings.  If you can read this, you're better off than many others.  Now, go talk to your neighbor.  They just may need something.   Mine just put out another bucket of Avocados.  There are plenty left, go and enjoy.

If I could just figure out how to eat the darn things other than sliced on a bagel!  I am thankful even for avocados, weird though they are!

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Hurricane Irma, Slogging Through Saturday Into Sunday

But hey, I still have power...

At least through Sunday Morning, I have.

It wasn't until 4PM here that I saw the first rain that left enough water on the ground to sheen the streets.

The county declared a curfew from 4PM through.  I'm guessing the duration.  I don't know when that is.

The only thing that has bothered me is a few power pops here and there.  When power does go out, we're sunk.  I can't say that they'll be by to reconnect us at that point, because there is some wind speed that they stop work at.

I seem to remember 35mph.  We are over that now.  44 was the last check, although it's been gusting faster.

Then you're on your own, cowboy.

Net's up.  Power's up.  Water's flowing.

This isn't a whole lot to deal with compared with Antigua, Puerto Rico, the DR, Haiti, and Cuba.

Now the Florida Keys.

It could be worse, I could be in the Keys.  The Eye of the Storm right now is crossing into the lower keys, and they're still predicting that trip through Key West and up the west coast of Florida.  My heart goes out to them since I can't say I would want up to 9 feet of salt water piling up on my house.  That's going as high as 270 CM.

This map is of the expected storm surge.  Those pink areas are where the 9 feet of salt water comment comes from.  Naples, Marco Island, north up the coast.



I grabbed that map from the NWS Miami Twitter Feed.

I stocked up on rechargeable batteries a while back.

I've also been harvesting old laptop battery packs.

Why laptop batteries?  Each one is a larger and longer cell configuration so they will not fit inside of a standard radio or flashlight.  They also put out more voltage at 3.7 VDC compared with 1.5 VDC for a D, C, or AA Cell.

But.

Each one puts out between 2 and 4 amps.  Connect four together and you get 14.4 VDC.  Run them through a voltage regulator like that cigar lighter thing to charge your phone in the car and you now can recharge your phone a couple times.

So those 18650 batteries will charge my flashlights for months.  Battery operated fans for weeks.  Radios will play.

The air conditioning may not work due to power outage, but I will be able to listen to crappy music.

If you want radar?  Follow this link.  Remember that the highest point in the Keys is on Key West at 18 feet.  The map showing those islands should be considered a suggestion since most of them will be overwashed by storm surge.

That "9 feet" again.

But so far, for me, I'm lucky.  Not even anything worth taking a picture of here in Wilton Manors, and I thank my lucky stars for that.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Hurricane Irma, Burgers, and Cream Biscuits

Ok, on Saturdays I usually put up jokes.

Nope.  Not today.

You may have been reading about this monster storm.  If you're in the path of Hurricane Irma, stay safe, and stay under cover.

At one point the path for this beast had landfall in Key West - 200 miles away.
At one point the path for this beast was literally 3 blocks away from me here in Wilton Manors, Suburban Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Then it moved into the ocean between us and the Bahamas.
Then back to us.
Then to where it is, now, Friday evening.

By my reconing, it would be coming ashore about mile marker 30, the Seven Mile Bridge in the Keys, just West of Marathon, FL.

A second landfall would be east of Marco Island, and then North up the state.

Enough Naval Gazing.

A power outage here can happen because a butterfly farted on a power line.
I have become convinced that the infrastructure here is made from old abandoned barbed wire that was sourced from fence posts on a farm in the Southwestern US.

You know those pictures of rusted barbed wire stapled to a weathered piece of drift wood?

Thanks, FPL, power goes out on a Thursday here.

So I spent the day debating and went on a cooking binge.

Made up 20 hamburgers for the dog because it would free a space for another bag of ice in the freezer.  It's now about 2/3 ice in a freezer that is about as tall as I am.

I'm a big guy.  Tall, built like a gym teacher.

Then I started looking at the fridge.

Found Cream.  Specifically Whipping Cream.

Made 2 and a half batches of:


Cream Biscuits.

2 cups Self Rising Flour.
1 1/4 cups of Whipping or Heavy Cream.
1 tablespoon of table sugar.

Mix, then knead until it becomes semi sticky.  Like modeling clay.

Divide into 10, and bake at 450F for 11 minutes or until golden brown.


Sorry for only Imperial Units, I actually weighed everything to the gram and annotated the weights in my recipe book, but it's late and ...

Hey if anyone wants my metric measurements, Ask!


See, the point is that cooked food has a longer shelf life when the power goes out than "raw".

The other point is that you really do have to analyze your every move in a hurricane for preparation.

So this weekend no jokes.

If I get to have power tomorrow morning, Saturday, I will go through the normal morining rituals which includes putting up jokes for Sunday.  Then I'll write something for the next couple articles.  Nothing fancy.

"If you're reading this, my blog is on auto pilot, blahblahblah, Hi There!"

If no connection to the internet because power is down, well folks, think well of me and I'll get back to you when everything comes back.

When Hurricane Wilma hit here in 2005, my own block was without power for 2 weeks.

If Hurricane Irma goes on that path that will do so much damage to South West Florida, the storm will not be quite as strong as Wilma was.  We here will be safe.

I'll be back then.

Stay safe, no matter where you are reading this from in the world.

Help your neighbor if they need it.  Mine did.

Save your prayers, get off your collective butts and do something that positively changes the world.  Vote for people who will actually DO something to reduce carbon emissions and stop Climate Change or Global Warming.  Millions of people doing small acts of improvement will move the world the right way, away from having two 500 Year Storms in one month.

As the old CB Radio jargon said - See Ya On The Flip Side!