Saturday, July 30, 2022

Rest in peace boiling water you will soon be mist

Gees, everyone has an angle these days!



A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy.

As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down.
He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ok.

The guy lets out a sigh and tells him. "See when I first started, I was single so I could afford to give you $20. Later on I met someone and we started dating so I could only afford to give you $10. Things got more serious and we ended up getting married so I could then only afford to provide you with $5. More time passed by and we were blessed with a child so I could only spare $1."

After hearing this the homeless guy got up and looked at the man with indignation and yelled: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN RAISING YOU'RE FAMILY WITH MY MONEY!???

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Pushups With The Lizard


Someone doesn't want me outside today.

It's one of those days.  I was awake in time, but the conditions were wrong.  Since it is the Wet Season here in "Sunny" Florida, I can't complain...

Or can I?

We are coming up to peak wet season and due to La Niña it's been dry.  Or is it Él Niño?  ¡No puedo decir!

I've been active, according to most people's definitions.  I'm in extremely active person, and "it keeps me honest" is a good description of all of that. 

I walk more than four miles a day.  Skate two half-marathons per week.  Bike more than two hours a week.  If I don't maintain a PAI score of 300 I get a bit bored.  All in this heat.

All this is to say "On Yer Left".  "Lead, Follow, Or Get Out Of The Way."

Rhetoric aside, if I am kept indoors, I start looking for things to do.  It may not be the most pressing "thing" but I'll churn through those tasks.

Tasks like looking at the pictures I take with my feet up on the coffee table.

I had taken this picture simply because I was entertained by this little invasive Curly Tail lizard.  It watched me.  After each half hour in summer workouts, I push water.  My distance in sports, whether eight wheels or two, are limited by how much water I can carry.  I tend to stop at the same place in each workout.

Although on Skates, I use the front bumper of the Jeep to take a water stop.

In this case, I stop in a small parking lot in front of a small bar.  There's a tree there with a truck tire stack.  Old tires are used to stop people who may be turning around from knocking over the bar's sign and it seems to be working since the sign has been in place since I was a snowbird.

But like anywhere, if you have a place for a creature to hide, it's going to use it.  In the case of the tires, these Curly Tails have taken it over.

And since there's a tree in the parking lot, I have taken the spot over.  Only for a minute or four since I don't want to let my heart rate drop quite so far.

I was reminded of all of this because it's been a wet day here.  Every time I think that the rain has stopped, another leopard spot slinks over head and dumps buckets of water over everything.  I laugh, shrug, and consider what else can I do with the time.

Already made some corn muffins, I'm about to go into the kitchen and make some Coffee Brittle from a recipe I have kept on the blog over the last 14 years or so.

May as well do some cooking since there's another gully washer approaching.

But tomorrow is another day, and I'll be up at 5 AM to try to shoe horn in another workout.  You see, since it is Florida, doing an endurance workout really needs to happen before Noon.  And since the hottest week of the year is happening in the second week of August, you just have to keep plodding along.

Bring a pint of water for each half hour.  The Wildlife may not get any but you will appreciate the water stop.

Sunday, July 24, 2022

What do mice worship? Holey cheese.


Dying request

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys.
Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated… 

"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words out, "Please, assure me that the youngest child is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I'll forgive you if…"

His wife calmly interrupted, "Yes, my dearest. I swear on my mother's grave, without question, YOU are his father…"
Moments later, Rudy died peacefully…

Still by his side, Rudy's grieving widow muttered under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two…"

Reminds me of the story that someone put in social media.  Seems that it happened on Coach in an airplane.  A Man got on with six kids.  He took the aisle seat.  

As he relaxed with a bedraggled look on his face on the buckboard that passes for a seat, he was asked by a lady across the aisle incredulously "Are All Those Kids Yours?"

Without skipping a heartbeat he said: "No, I work for a Condom Company.  These are all Customer Complaints."

Saturday, July 23, 2022

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows!

 I am fortunate enough that it has been a few years since I have been to a funeral.

That having been said... I can totally see myself doing this if I had the chance.

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'

Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.

It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. . . . . . . . . . . .
The dead bastard had a twin

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

Zinnia In The Garden, Butterflies All Day

I think I have “embraced” never having Milkweed in the garden.  At least, never seeing the flowers.

The chair I sit in looks out the front window.  In fact I refuse to use my perfectly acceptable desk in the back of the house because I find sitting out front to be much more entertaining.  

I do know that I can propagate that same Milkweed if I really did want to.  It is very leggy right now, having grown between the Croton and Screw Palm out there and having been cropped back by successive squadrons of Monarch that float on the breezes.  Those squadrons are why the plants are where they are.  I had hoped I would be able to get some more leaves on the things before they were discovered but Milkweed is not exactly a beautiful plant.

So one day I was Online Shopping.  I needed an item to get the price over the free shipping barrier and I refuse to pay for shipping if I can actually get something that I want for the expense.  I flashed on my own childhood habit of growing flowers in the front garden.  Sunflowers were the first though but I have had bad luck with them here in South Florida.  Oh sure, I could grow dinner plate sized blooms in the back yard in Pennsylvania, but down here they’re the size of a Daisy.   I will try again when the weather is cooler, I think it could easily be something like the heat forcing them to rush to bloom so you end up with smaller flowers.

Having rejected the sunflowers, I hit upon another childhood favorite.  Zinnia.  Looking for a write up on the things, it turns out that Zinnia are a warm climate plant from the southwest US and Neighboring Mexico (¡Bienvenidos Vecinos!) even if I could grow them in New Jersey, and did.  Day glow colors would look great in the garden and, bonus, they drew butterflies.

Oh boy did they ever.

I step onto the porch in the morning before the Furnace in the Sky ramped up from annoying to full on Hades and I am bombarded by butterflies.  Not just my favorite orange Monarchs but Swallowtails, Zebrawings, and others.  All day long they come by, land on the Zinnia for a meal, and seek the sad little Milkweed to leave an egg or ten.

As a good High School and College friend Jim would say with a shrug, “Well, that is what they are there for”!  I guess it took all these years for me to get the same kind of an attitude.

So as I do know how to propagate Milkweed, and I still have some Zinnia seeds left, I’m blessed with a task.  I will be planting some more seeds today.  I am enjoying the natural show.  

All I really do need to do is to wait for things to bloom because if I plant it, they do indeed come.   If they come, I will watch.

Sunday, July 17, 2022

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit? A lavacado!

You will have to tell me if this is an appropriate story for a Sunday.  I think so but other than giggling at this and putting it out for the world to see, my standards might be a little bit low.

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:
-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:
-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman talks after listening to the first two:
-My son is a cardinal, when he is in a formal setting, people call him "Your eminence", and they kiss his hand. He has also met the Pope.

The fourth woman doesn't speak, the others ask her: "You have a son too, right? Why don't you talk about him?"

The fourth woman says:
-Well, my son is a 29 year old; young, rich, tall, handsome, athletic and fashionable man. When he enters a community, all the women lean into each other's ear and whisper "Oh my Lord".

Saturday, July 16, 2022

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese? Hole milk.

It is one of those mornings where I look at the list of little stories and jokes that pleased me in the past and think... "Hmm, you're getting a bit thin there, time to find more".

Then I take another sip of coffee, realize it is Saturday, think "I'll get on that later" and just post this!

Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar.

They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied. "51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!"

One of my dad's teachers when he went to school, came each day with a bicycle and he was always on time.

But one day the teacher was a bit late. But when my dad saw him running into the school with his bicycle by his side he asked;"Why are you dragging your bicycle beside you"

And the teacher replied;"Oh, you see I was late, so I didn't want to waste time getting on the bike"

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"

Wednesday, July 13, 2022

Roasting Coffee At Home For The Best Coffee When You Run Out

It had been a long day before starting.  Predawn bike ride up and down the town for an hour burning a breakfast I had not yet had.  A mile walk after sunrise.  Some cleaning, some baking, and some more cleaning.

I remembered that I was running quite low on coffee.

I’m extremely fussy about the coffee I drink.  I roast my own beans and while it sounds over the top and OCD and just strange, it isn’t.  It was the only way people could drink coffee for centuries until large companies realized they could sell beans that were mediocre already ground or excellent beans that became mediocre by the time they made it to cup.

A helpful hint, don’t drink preground coffee, and if you have a grinder, use it. In fact only grind what you will drink now.  There’s a marked improvement in taste.

I hit lunch hour and decided “after” I would roast.

May as well, it is the hottest day so far. In fact it’s really too hot to do much else but indoor activities.

So, lets multitask!

I got the coffee roasting popcorn popper out from its place in the pantry, my unroasted Decaf, unroasted Regular, and got started.

I have been roasting coffee since 2009 so I have this down to a science.  I do it by ear.  Luckily I have headphones that lessen the ear’s impact.  The popcorn popper is loud!

It does not have to be a specific brand although they swore on the West Bend Poppery II.  The one I have is from a thrift store, has a cracked top, is discolored by use.  Never mind all that, it works like a charm although it took two hours to roast four Mason jars worth of the stuff.  Two regular, two decaf. I prefer my Regular Coffee before a workout, however since I workout every day of the week, the standard here is half-caff.  A very good half-caff nonetheless, but still not Jet Fuel.

As a result when I am on a particularly aggressive workout schedule for that day, I can use the coffee for that lift it promises, and get 10% more speed and distance.  Free Endorphins? Absolutely!

So save it for when you need it.

Why bother?  Why not!  It’s the difference between hearing you favorite song on a scratchy AM/MW station and hearing that same song performed live or on a CD.  Orders of magnitude better.

It makes the neighborhood smell nice, like when I was growing up in my little part of NJ near the coffee roasters off I-295.  Even if it does make the air conditioner less efficient, our stove hood will pull air from house and make the place warmer.  But it will pull all that smoke outside so you don’t have to be there in the heat.

When you roast coffee, the beans expand, crack, expand more, crack again. I stop just after that first crack.

While you are waiting for the roughly 4 to 5 minutes to get there, you have time to do other things.  I cleaned the oven and the toaster oven, mopped the floors, and vacuumed the house in the two hours it took to get all this done.

Weirdly, my shoes grip the floor differently so I guess it’s overdue.

I should jump in the shower, after all you always end up smelling like coffee after a good roasting session.  I’m not because I’m grilling a steak for dinner.

Sometimes a guy just have to convert some raw meat into food.

You can’t do that without ending up with a few singed arm hairs and picking up a little more food-cologne.

Sunday, July 10, 2022

I went to a joke party last night. Too many people were there; I couldn't even reach the punch line.

It's a sunday and I'm not really theming these "stories".  On the other hand, I have a busy day in the kitchen making jelly and pizza so I'm taking the hint the universe wants to give me.

How can I get in to heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Saturday, July 9, 2022

NASA is going to send cows into space soon. The steaks have never been higher.

A man is feeling ill so he goes to the doctors.
After a few scans, the doctor approaches him and says "It's not looking good, you've got 10."

The man, confused, replies "10 what? Years? Months?"
The doctor sighs and continues, "9...8...7..."

A wife tells his husband: "You don't treat our kids the same".
The husband replies: "Which one do you mean? Johnny, Steve or the ugly one?"

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!
So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

What’s the difference between a barber, a surgeon and a cannibal
There isn’t one - they all cut parts of your body.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

Is It Time To Lower My Tropical Fruit Tree?

The first thing a Real Estate Agent will do on seeing a Mango tree on the property is suggest it gets removed.  That's overkill, they can be managed truly well, but that does raise a basic gardening question. 

I’m not a farmer so when do I trim my fruit trees?

I started looking into this and it turns out that it varies based on what kind of tree, where it is planted, and what you intend to do with it all.

For example, the specific tree I am talking about is a Mango, but this is a general discussion.  Mango trees get truly massive.  I’m looking out the window at a Hagen Mango tree that was allowed to grow freely.  They trimmed the ground limbs up to about 10 feet.  The top of the tree is about 40 feet.  Think a four story building.

I am in the tropics (adjacent).  Broward County Florida.  26 Degrees North, 80 Degrees West is just off the coast of Hollywood Florida.  

Things are different here.  This extends to the native trees, and I am including anything Tropical and Exotic here.  You can’t grow a Mango outside in Atlanta.  I’ve been led to believe that you can’t grow it where you get a hard freeze either.  Think the same climate as Oranges.

I’m trimming the tree at the Pre-Hurricane Season, which works well with Fruiting Season, but it also works well with the Sea Grape tree that is in the backyard by the shed behind the Mango in the first picture.

These tropical natives are designed to lose almost all of their leaves in a direct hit from a storm.   Each year, I have a landscaping team climb the Sea Grape and trim it progressively lower.  Each year the Sea Grape pouts and then comes back with a vengeance.  That tree was once 40 feet tall too, but now, it’s trunk is down to about 15 and will be a total of 40 feet again next spring.

In the case of my own Mango, it’s trimmed back every year after I pick the fruit.  It reached 20 feet tall this year, so I am sure it’s tapped into the aquifer and is doing well.  I trimmed it, just like last year, back to Eye Level – six feet.  It looks like it had its head cut off but I did leave plenty of leaves for it to get restarted, and it’s already putting out a ring of new growth of limbs at each major cut.  

Both trees will survive.  This is what they’re designed to do.  They have to.  If a tree loses all of it’s leaves in a storm, it has to put out new growth immediately.

Next spring, I’ll have more flowers and more fruit to harvest and throw in the freezer to make more jelly which is a task for a slow afternoon – canning fruit jelly.

If you are in a tropical area, plants can be trimmed pretty much all year around.   If you don’t want fruit, get them trimmed when they begin to flower.  If you do want fruit, wait until after harvest – June or July.

At least that’s how I manage my own Mango.  The hedges on the other hand grow like mad.  They all need constant trimming every season, rain or shine.

Now, if you’re in a colder climate where you get winter… the rule of thumb is that you should get professional advice, I’m just a home owner.  If it is an Early Bloomer, wait until after the flowers/fruits are done, Late Bloomers are best trimmed early spring or even late winter.  Let the tree build strength for when it is needed.

If you will excuse me, I have to start some water boiling for canning.  I have jelly to make!

Sunday, July 3, 2022

What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid

I have seen all kinds of wildlife here in South Florida, but never an eagle.  I have been told they exist, and I have seen hawks which are in similar niches.  I'm also about the middle of the South Florida Sprawl here so I'm in one of the more unlikely places to see a bird like that.

But that has no bearing to this little story I have here, unless you're a prey animal.

You aren't, are you?

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.

He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well.
The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"
"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you've seen squirrels?"
"Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches."

"Keep an eye out, because those are tasty."
"An eagle eye," a bright grandson said, and was immediately smacked.

The granddaughter asked, "Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?"
"Seagulls, those are fine, and pretty easy to catch."

A grandson asked, "There's a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?"
"I think you mean egrets?" Grandfather asked.

"That's right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?"
The grandfather thought a bit and sang out, "Egrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."

Saturday, July 2, 2022

Asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" apparently "In the mirror" wasn't the right answer.

I'm feeling a little silly after the walk so here's a triple play for you to snicker at!

A guy goes into the airport to check in for his flight to Amarillo.
When it comes time to check his bags, he says, "OK, I want this one to go to San Diego, this other one to go to Boston, and this third one to go to Miami."

"Sir," says the check-in officer, "I'm afraid we can't do that!"
"Why not? You did it last week!"

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.
With the aid of highly advanced MRI scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder.
Apparently he was lactose intolerant.
So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common.

A man is sat in an Indian restaurant.
After ordering his food, the waiter returns and hits him on the head with a chicken.
He'd ordered a chicken karma.