Sunday, February 26, 2023

What kind of soap does a pig use? Hogwash.

If you live in a town with a lot of bars, like I do, you will find this amusing.  On the other hand I have not been to a bar since the last decade so meh I don't have a horse in that particular race.


A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Saturday, February 25, 2023

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

When I think of the way I drove when I was in my teens and early 20s.  Holy Crap how did I make it so far?

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

The cop tells her she had not been following the speed limit. She says, "Why, I was going exactly 22 miles per hour" while pointing to a board on the side of the road.

The cop chuckles and says, "Ma'am, that's the route number, not the speed limit."

Embarrassed, the old lady thanks the cop for correcting her and starts the car to move on. Before she drove away, the cop asked her "Ma'am, if I may ask, why are all these ladies so silent? They haven't uttered a word."

The old lady says, "Oh they'll be fine in a while, we just got off route 118."

Wednesday, February 22, 2023

Mango Tree At Sunrise

So how are your allergies?

I was out for the first dog walk today at 5:30 in the pre-dawn morning.  As soon as I stepped out onto the porch I noticed that there was a distinct smell in the air.  Like someone working with some odd chemicals, I knew that the mango tree was in full bloom.

If that one is in full bloom, so was mine in the yard, and the others in my city.

If you have a mango allergy, and many people do, you're going to want to vacation a bit further North.

Two weeks away where the Mangoes don't grow.  Anywhere above USDA Zone 9B.

In Florida that's North of the I-4 line generally, but with Global-Warming-That-Does-Not-Exist (Yeah, right.) that is creeping North.  South Texas, Arizona, and a surprisingly large area of Coastal California is Zone 9B.

Your best bet is to consult a USDA Zone Map, which I have right here.

Big cities are going to be safe, but two weeks in Chicago, Philadelphia, Seattle, all would be nice.  Even Atlanta or Dallas are North of 9b.

On the other hand, I was getting a surprising amount of fruit off this same tree and still have 8 cups of chunks in my freezer that have to be made into Mango Jam.

Sunday, February 19, 2023

I need a bagel like I need a hole in my bread!

 Actually a good bagel would be quite nice right now!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 18 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home, he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Saturday, February 18, 2023

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Arr, M'atey!

 Talk like a pirate?
You're reading this, right?
I'm That Guy who was standing on Duval Street in Key West, FL in front of the big church drawing a crowd because I was imitating Hank Hill from King of the Hill perfectly.

I'll tell yew whut, how about some Propane Accessories?

And speaking of imitating someone else...

Two guys are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says "go ask if we can play through"

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

"What's the matter?" Asks Jim

"Well you see one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress" replies Dave

"I see" says Jim as he heads off to ask the women if they can play through, like Dave he takes about ten steps then returns to Dave and says "small world"

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

Rack the McNab Superdog is just now starting to slow at almost 12.

Here I sit on my chair.  Had a long workout, but that is normal.  I do 7 hours of Cardio every week, four workouts.  We will call this afternoon Recovery.

On the other hand, or rather at my elbow, is Rack.  Looking like a pile of dog parts tossed on a blue pillow, he's resting as well.

Rack is my 11 and a Half Year Old McNab SuperDog (TM).  I think this is normal for us.  He would rather come with me when I go out to beat myself up four times a week, but even when he was a puppy I don't think he would have been able to keep up with me.

"Sorry Rack, it's a workout day, I'll be back before Lunch.  Good Boy, you get to Watch The House".

Ears go down, posture changes to what passes for disappointment, and he wanders off. 

I could always find a way... no, inline skating is an extreme sport and I can't see towing 40 plus pounds of dog in a cart behind me or having him trot along side.  My cardio is roughly 20 miles each workout, bike or skate, about two hours each.
On my return, the routine is that he meets me at the front door, shows me to the back door, and asks to go outside.  Never mind that all he does is a lap or three of the yard in a slow plod, it's the process that is the thing.

I may be at a level of training that can justifiably be called elite, so after cool-down and the rest of the ritual of winding down, I fade into my own version of a pile of parts.  Usually fall asleep in the chair.  A nap they call it, but at an hour and a half it feels like it's a bit much.

I look over my right arm after hearing something tap against the wall and that pile of parts has shifted. 

Later he gets to go out and walk.  Upwards of four miles a day.  That's where we realize what he had been doing, winding up the spring. 

It can be a bit ironic to think.  He was always a jumpy dog.  Bounding around with the kind of energy I find difficult to keep up with, I notice that the edge is off that particular blade.

He used to run around the yard like a crazy dog.  Now that is a bit more sedate.  When he meets a puppy, he gives them the distance that older dogs used to give him.   As the pup's owner is apologizing I usually comment not to worry, this is what he was like when he was younger and he only gets stupid with people and very specific dogs now.

I guess he is slowing down.  He's got more energy than almost any almost 12 year old dog I have ever known.  I have been making his food all his life and that has a lot to do with it.  Not table scraps, but a balanced recipe.  I wouldn't feed any dog table scraps, human food has too much seasoning and for most it's too much food.

Besides, I'm on a training diet trying to hit My Macros every day so my own food is ... Weird.

For now, I'm enjoying his middle age, but I do see signs.  Not happy with those signs but not much we can do.

Sunday, February 12, 2023

My brother-in-law was dating a dolphin. They broke up. He really wanted to have a porpoise.

It's been a while since I bothered to go to a restaurant, and never to a Hooters.  Somehow the concept escapes me.

But it is Sunday, and the connection is quite tenuous, so I give you a Nun in need.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

Saturday, February 11, 2023

Hoping to travel to the Mediterranean this Thanksgiving. I Heard they got a whole country made of Turkey!

 And the Cranberry Sauce was a bit shook up too.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The boy said, "You got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Wednesday, February 8, 2023

Bike Repair - Fixing Your Tires With Four Quarters, A Binder Clip, And Vulcanizing Cement

OK, I'll admit it.  I'm crap at bike repair.

Maybe that's too harsh, lets take a step back and say "I'm out of practice" and leave it there.

Isn't that what someone says when they try something old again after a while and find out that they're crap at it?

I was at 1 hour into my workout and only one block from the house when the tire felt funky.  Looking back I had a low tire.  When I stopped I found a very sharp tack in the tire. 

It's South Florida.  Apparently your contractor doesn't keep his hardware on his truck as it bumps over a road.  Of course yours truly found the tack, but I've been told I've been lucky.  This is my first flat after about 1200 miles (1930 KM or 10909091 bananas).

So the picture shows my hack.  I used four US quarters as clamps held in by what we call a "Binder Clip" on each tube to make sure that the patches hold tight.

So guess what?  It worked.  In fact I did a nice 22 miles today on my bike at upwards of 22MPH at peak.  22 miles is about 36 km or a tasty 200000 bananas!

Oh and I had a hack for the "glue" since I knew that I'd be fixing three tubes.  I went to an auto parts store and got "Vulcanizing Cement".  Ask for it by name.  Get it locally since that price is 50% higher than what I paid for at the store.

Instead of the tiny little tubes that would run out on me, I got the 8 ounce (.2366 liter) tin with a handy little brush inside to slather the stuff onto your prepared tube.

Then the next day I used it to re-vulcanize my shoes that de-laminated because they're old.

Oh and do the vulcanizing outdoors.  The fumes from that stuff will not be a good thing to inhale.  Trust me, it smelled like a dance floor in a bar in the 1980s before we knew what we were doing.

Why the drama?  The tires I have are tight and I punctured the tubes when I put them on after wrestling them.

One After Another.  As in "Oh Sure, Bill, You Won't Need Two Extras So You Are Safe!".  No, but thanks for trying!

So it's back to the online marketplaces and find a pack of four inner tubes for the bike for $17 and keep the old ones for emergencies.  They've held pressure all week so far so it looks good.

Sunday, February 5, 2023

What's does nuclear radiation specialist have for dinner? Fission chips!

 I have to say I rather like a good Fish and Chips although they say that down here it's rarely Cod.  One of the quirks of being in South Florida I guess.

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

    the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

    always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

    it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

    if you think that you've made things foolproof, the fool will become more ingenious.

    don't click ok on the error message until after you read it.

    if you perch something fragile precariously for just a second, you'll leave it there until it falls.

    if you can't figure out the problem, you didn't remove enough things.

    the wife and the dog both think that they should sleep on your side of the bed.

    check on top of your head before you begin searching for your glasses.

    look in the front door lock before you start searching for your keys.

    just when you think your kid can't get any dumber, they do.

Saturday, February 4, 2023

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese? A cheesy pickup line

 Hey, it's the weekend!  You'll see that at the supermarket I am sure!

Sahara Desert.

A somewhat predictable oldie but amusing nevertheless.

A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The guy asked, "Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The old man replied, "I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie?. Here’s one that goes nicely with your shirt."

The guy shouted, "I don’t want a tie, you idiot! I need water!"

"OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they’ll give you all the water you want." The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table. The old man said, "I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn’t you find it?"

The guy rasped, "I found it, they wouldn’t let me in without a tie."

Wednesday, February 1, 2023

Cedarwood Soap, Caramel, and Sea Breeze Memories from the Jersey Shore

The day started out like a typical workout day:

Dog walk, Coffee, Spanish, Carboload, out to the park before 9AM.

I seem to enjoy going around in large lazy circles on plastic wheels with ceramic bearings.  Ceramic, like your coffee mug made out of Sapphires.

Long story, I won't go into that here.

I was out at Mills Pond Park in Fort Lauderdale.  If you aren't from the area, this is the same park that Jackass did some scenes for their own insanity.  Jumps and leaps over partially submerged ramps is not my preferred way to get Beta Endorphins.

I did my 18.7 miles for the day and came home.  That would be 30.09 KM if you're counting.  Good day for a workout too, temps in the high 70s, light winds, bright sun... that sort of thing.  Even the grounds were watered in a way I could get through them.

Kids, don't try this at home.  I have Ceramic Bearings in my boots so I CAN get them wet.  If you try that with "regular" skates, they will rust solid before you can get them cleaned at home.

After having lunch it was time to clean up.  Shower time, Coach!  I selected some music to play on the speaker and set the volume.

Classic Disco Mix.  I was feeling retro today.  I do that frequently.

One other thing I do frequently is make my own soap.  I have been for a few years now.  I do it so I can dial in the quality I demand, the scents I want, and just the right amount of moisturizing.  It works well and it helps me work through the chemistry that I aced in High School.  The teacher was a big stoner and used to give us labs that we would finish while he went out and "relaxed" with the math teacher for a bit.

He also knew that I was there and would help people out.  I used to get 99.5% or better of theoretical results on my Chem labs. 

So my soap is down to a science as well.  I have a couple scents that I like but this one... well it gave me a flash back to childhood.

It was a "Cedarwood" scented bar. 

If you are a Jersey Boy like I am, and no I don't mean like those Noo Yawk Idiots that go and do the Jersey Shore nonsense on TV, you know the scents of the Boardwalk.

I mean "Boardwalk" as in Atlantic City.  I also mean "boardwalk" as in Ocean City.  Both in New Jersey.  Almost everyone there were from South Jersey and Philly anyway since we were inconvenient for the New Yorkers to get that far South.

It's "Boardwalk" in AC.  And ONLY in AC.  Because someone named Board built the thing.  Anywhere else it should be in lower case. 

There's a "scent" to that part of the Jersey Shore.  Think Cotton Candy, Popcorn, Caramel from the Salt Water Taffy, Roasting Peanuts, and when you walk into a store, Cedar.

A quirk of these Boardwalk and boardwalk shops was that you could find trinkets all made of Cedar.  Smelled like "Mom's Cedar Chest". 

And so does that soap.

There I was finishing up soaping my head with Cedarwood Soap, and I tend to not send that stuff out when I make bricks since it's for me.  On pops Bonnie Pointer singing her heart out that "Heaven Must Have Sent ... You Baby, For Only Meeeee"!. 

I'm getting a childhood flashback.  Sitting in Dad's Old Buick Limited.  It became mine after he died.  The timing is a bit odd since I'm conflating a couple Jersey Shore Memories, but stick with me. 

When you're driving a Big Old Buick down US 30 towards ACY you hit a curve around Pomona NJ.  That's where you get that smell from the Jersey Shore.  First dad would say "Hey smell that salt air" to us, and we'd breathe deeply.  In the summer he would switch off the air conditioning in the big car so we could smell it.  Pomona was where the "thermocline" was and the temperature would drop a solid 10 Degrees F on the right day and you got nice and cool.

Then as you got closer to your destination you would catch that smell from the shops.  I swear they pump that stuff out the windows of the shops so you would be dragged in.  It's like being near a Cinnamon bun place in a mall, Remember Malls?

Of course we would go in there and get some stuff to give our pre-teen selves a sugar high and head to the water to look for shells and clams and lay out for a "couple-a-hours".

Down-a-shore we would go.  Dig a hole, hit the water table in less than a hand's depth, and build a drain for it to get to the ocean and you would have a sand castle with a moat.

I was in that shower, warm water, cedar scented soap, and finishing up with Bonnie Pointer singing.  It all reminds me of when we piled into that Buick later those two weeks between High School and College for a vacation.  Me and my buddies in a cheap hotel room doing the last gasp of childhood.  We drove down and hit that spot in Pomona and rolled down the windows and took it all in.

So if I catch a whiff of my own private stash of Cedarwood soap I just may be thinking of Ninth Street Beach in Ocean City, NJ and if the radio is playing just the right track, I'll be smiling.

Hey, youse wanna go downashore?  Just watch for those seagulls, they'll steal yer food right from yer hand!