Sunday, December 31, 2023

A little year's end naval gazing and more silliness.

 The sharp eyed of you out there will notice that I missed yesterday's post.  So here I am.  Apparently there are more "Science Experiments" in the refrigerator that need to be purged.  I basically slept the day away and when I did wake up I lay on the couch listening to music and watching bad sitcoms.

It's a good day to do that, look around and clear out things.

Since it is the last day of the year and I'm up early enough to hear reports from Kiribati's first of the year New Year's celebrations, and Auckland NZ and Sydney Harbour are both getting ready to fire them off, I'll celebrate in my own way with a little half caff and my feet up on the coffee table.

It's about all the energy I have after last week. 

For those of you who enjoy my little blog, and it will probably never light the world on fire, I thank you for listening to me on my soap box and welcome you back for more. 

As always, Bill.

First, a little food of questionable origins:

So Julius Caesar has a fencing instructor to teach him swordplay techniques

But what Caesar doesn’t know is that his fencing instructor comes from a tribe of cannibals in a far off land.

Eventually, y’know, Caesar’s assassinated and who should happen by his lifeless bloodied body but his old fencing instructor, who gives in to his culinary impulses and starts carving the dead dictator up and popping the pieces in a roasting pan. 

Someone comes across this scene and reacts appropriately: with horrified questions.

And the fencing instructor says in reply: “Hey hey hey, relax. I come not to parry Caesar, but to braise him.”

Since some of you love your cats, here you go.  I can't get near them, way too allergic, but I can understand that everyone, two legged and four, needs a friend.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat

On the second day of creation, He created the human to selflessly serve the cat

On the third day, He created the tuna, the mice, and the inferior animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the cat

On the fourth day, He created honest toil so that man could labour long an hard to fulfill the need of the cat

On the fifth day, He created the ball of yarn, the feather-on-a-stick thingie, and catnip so the cat may or may not be entertained

On the sixth day, He created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke

And on the seventh day, He tried to sleep but the cat woke Him up at 5 am

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

The Attack Onion or Food Poisoning Happens Even When You Overcook Your Food

They say "Write What You Know".  I think I'm there.  Take this all tongue in cheek because I certainly am.  I'm willing to take a bullet for comedy!

Figuratively of course.  Despite the fuss and bluster, really, I'm pretty harmless.  I just look big and hairy scary. 

I lost a day and it was due to an attack onion.  I also lost 3 pounds in 18 hours which is frankly shocking.

I had read about how if an onion is in a refrigerator "too long" it can pick up whatever nasties are in it and not let go until it is in you.  I think that was what happened.

Without going into the specific results, if your onion looks anything but what it should, be safe and toss it.  Mine was quite old and even after cooking the daylights out of the diced bits in a skillet, I must not have gone far enough.

By the time it was done, I was empty.  Lost a rather good Banana Apple Smoothie, Breakfast sandwich, and my coffee.  It only took all damn day.

It could have been worse, I'm sure.  I was watching Radar all morning and due to a rainy overnight, and lingering clouds, I could have been at the park in the middle of a workout instead of at the comfort of home hugging the porcelain god as someone here was holding my hair, figuratively, by going out and getting me Cotter Pins and things to help settle my insides.

That bike thing again.  See I was procrastinating all morning.  I Knew I wanted to get my bike back to perfect so I had taken the time up until this all fired up and removed the brakes and re-sanded the brake shoes.  Oh and wash down the discs with alcohol so their nice and shiny.  We like shiny discs, just like your car's front brakes.  Stop good.  Too many Karens on the trails not watching themselves and going against traffic. 

In the middle of all of this I get a call from the local hospital asking about a billing mistake.  Their mistake.  I asked "Did you apply the secondary insurance?" while I was in the middle of a sick attack and said "You're calling someone who was just in to your hospital for a procedure, you will get the info and apply it and I won't have the pleasure of your voice in the middle of gastric upset again, will I". 

He agreed, got everything he needed, and rang off.

So hey, I experienced what I would have actually gone through had I had this kind of situation before I had retired.  You see I worked for a middle of the road kind of University.  Loved my clients, loved some of my co workers but the internal organization was so toxic I tossed myself out, retired early and we moved to South Florida so we could reject the Hustle Culture and the people who get promoted because they were too incompetent to be an actual productive person.  I would call in periodically with "Food Poisoning" so I could de-stress and wind down.  Never on Monday or Friday though.  That would be suspicious.

Yeah, Suspicious.  That is what I'll call it. 

It's now Wednesday Morning.  I'm on the mend.  No more hugging the Porcelain God.  I have spare cotter pins for the bike and all the meds I need to make nice with my inners.  I'm also debating whether I feel like I have enough horsepower to go to the wonderful Asian Market across the county so I can get my Oolong Tea in a lovely brown tin and some of those amazing sweets they have.  I have a thing for a Ginger Coconut Candy that I just can't make at home.

Sunday, December 24, 2023

Apparently I snore so loudly that it manages to scare everyone else in my car.

 I really hope you don't know someone like this, but I think in reality ... you do.

A guy comes home from a business trip earlier than expected

This sends his wife into a panic. “Quick! Go stand in the corner like a statue. He’s so dumb, he’ll think you’re a piece of art.” She yells at her lover, pushing him to the darkened corner of the den.

As she predicted, her husband walked in, noticed the ‘statue’, asked her about it, had some dinner, watched TV for a while and eventually the couple went to bed. Afraid to move, the man stayed perfectly still the entire time.

Around midnight, the husband came out of the bedroom, and made two sandwiches. He walked over to the ‘statue’ and handed one of them to it, saying “I was stuck at the Smith’s house like this for hours… least she could’ve done was to offer me a sandwich.”

Saturday, December 23, 2023

What kind of tree does toothpaste grow on? Toiletries

 I must be getting more cynical lately.  I see this story and think "Yeah, I'd do that too!".

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage

Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."

Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."

The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:

"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"

She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

The surprise goody box!

Having an irritating day? 

Wait until the Goody Box gets here.

Thanks, Pat!  You do know what I like even after my having moved to Florida 17 years ago.

Actually I have lived in this particular house longer than I have anywhere else so go fig!

Had gotten out after getting a new battery for the car and went gone out for a drive.  Do that in South Florida and it will convince you that a sports car is pointless.   I see too much of those around here sitting in traffic being frustrated.  Went 25 miles and never got over 45 even on the Interstate.

Meh.  Pointless rant aside, it's always nice to have something show up as a surprise on the door step.  Rack didn't even announce it's approach, which is a surprise.  A win for playing music in the house I guess.

Me?  I'm running late this holiday season.  I still haven't mailed anything out.  Had some major things to get through this month and well, I'm on the bench, Coach. 

So to you and yours, have a wonderful holiday season, which ever holiday you celebrate.

Now, I'm going to the kitchen and have a wee bit of chocolate.  Don't tell anyone.

Sunday, December 17, 2023

My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation. In the end, we settled it with an altercation.

All I have to say is sometimes a story is just worth the read.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when I was a puppy, so I contacted the local police to see if I could work for them undercover. They hired me to catch drug dealers. All I had to do was hang around and listen to them talk because no one suspects a dog of anything."

"That's amazing," the guy says.

"Yeah, then the FBI heard about me so they hired me to catch terrorists. I uncovered a number of plots just by laying at the feet of the leaders and listening to them talk."

"Wow! That's incredible."

"After that INTERPOL called and I worked for a while catching spies. I exposed quite a number of them and protected our country."

"You're really something!"

"Yeah, now I'm retired. I get to breed whenever I want, and I have a great life."

The guy goes to the door and the owner answers.

"I saw your sign. I'd like to buy the dog," he says.

The owner nods.

"But tell me, he has an incredible life story. Why are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff!

Saturday, December 16, 2023

What did the man do when he had the opportunity to win a free hot dog? He relished it.

It's a really crazy weather week here in So Flo.  All the flakes are blowing around, all the snowbirds are hiding.  High winds, rains, and power outages.  

Since the weather is so crap, here's a two-fer for you.  I'm going to go and make more coffee.

Grandma pig is growing old.

She doesn’t want to worry her grandchildren, so she makes something up for the parents.
The kids watch as Grandma is taken away.

“Where is grandma going?” asks a pig.
“Grandma is sick. They’re gonna help her. You won’t see her again for a long time though.” Dad replies.

A week later, the piglets see Grandma’s body being taken to the farmhouse.
“Dad! Dad! They’re taking away Grandma! Isn’t she still sick?”

Dad thinks and replies,
“She’s all better now. I might even say she’s cured.”

Voodoo ...

A ghost seeks out a voodo priest. He wants to return to life, so that he can save his family. The voodoo priest feeling sympathetic to ghost's plight, acquiesces.

The ceremony begins. The ghost slowly regains his body. His head takes physical form but as soon as his neck appears, a powerful voodoo god bursts forth.

The diety thunders "How dare you disrupt the natural order ..!"

The ghost pleading before the diety, explains his reasons.

The diety softens and says "Your transgression is pardoned but only if you quit while you're a head."

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

Rack and the Delivery Guys - A 12 Year Old Dog Finds His Voice Every Day At The Same Time


If you are here during a certain hour, it gets loud.

Don't try to take a nap on the couch, it won't work.

Which hour is it?  It's the Delivery Hour.

We somehow have all the major delivery services come right about the same time.  It actually used to be delivery plus trash pick up and recycling but the City changed refuse haulers.

I'm going to be a bit vague around which hour that is.  After all, I can plan on being here when a delivery is coming.  If I am here there's almost a zero chance that whatever it is will actually get where it is going.

Now the issue isn't the deliveries.  Getting Fedex/Amazon/The Mail/UPS all within about a half hour is great.  You can watch hilarity ensue when they are all shuffling down the block in a sort of Brownian Motion that you would see in one of those sand picture frames.

You know, the things you would see at a store in an odd place, pick up and flip, and watch the sand percolate through bubbles to the lowest place in the frame?

That's what we do with all of the trucks.

The issue is that someone is finding his voice.  After 12 years, Rack, the McNab SuperDog(TM) is getting "quirky".

That also means I get to have a conversation with a dog.  My dog.  Generally, it works well too.

He spends the day, or at least the time I am home and in My Big Green Chair at my elbow.  If he isn't there sleeping it does not particularly feel right so I go look for him.  Usually it's because I'm irritated at something and my energy is not quite where it should be.

This particular day, I was in the kitchen doing Tasks.  This time it was setting  timer for a battery charger, and starting to decant a load of sticky rice into containers for the freezer.  I spend a lot of time making this sort of "Meta Food", that is food that goes to make other food.

Kind of like "Cheese Food" is food that Cheese eats.  Or maybe not.

The rice goes into the dog food, and that tells me that I will have to make beans for the dog food... You get the idea, it keeps me honest and my freezer filled.

But this was an interruption.  I heard a low grumble.

"Rack!  It's OK! Go back into your corner!"
"Go on!  Go into the corner!  It's the Postie, he's your buddy!"

Rack slinks into the corner, slowly and curls up.  Postie delivers the mail.  I bag 20 ounces of rice for future dog food.

"Now what?, Rack go back into the corner, nobody there for you to growl at!"

UPS truck this time.  I look out the front windows at the big brown thing.
Grumble... mrowow!
"Shh, Rack, they're bringing you things"
Grumble gets more like distant thunder, quieter and more broken in time.
"Go on, back to the corner where your bed is"

He slinks back. 
I'm back in the kitchen getting two more 20 ounce bags of rice away and I start to hear a slam and some rattling outside.  Rack is in the corner but looking up.
Grumble.  Distant thunder quality.
Two twin brown eyes staring at me, from the gloom, not happy but now looking for info.  Amazon this time, the last of them for the day.

It is something we go through every day.  He will "deescalate" the conversation if I am actively talking to him but if we aren't managing his expectations it gets quite loud.

I had been rescued the other day from a Doctor's Office, and as we were leaving, the tire pressure alert went off on the car.  We went directly to the car dealer courtesy of "Run Flat Tires" that actually work as advertised, go figure that one out!

What the dealer now does is pay for an uber drop off instead of paying staff to run people home.  I keep hearing my aunt and uncle from Queens NYC saying in that characteristic accent "Oh No! I could never do that with a gypsy cab!".

But it's on someone else's dime, and we did get home.

Now, Rack doing his thing. For some reason he can tell when anyone who lives here comes in front of the house.  He can also tell when anyone who does NOT live here comes up in front of the house.

We pulled up in a recent vintage Toyota Tacoma Truck that smelled of various smoking materiel.  Before I could even get out of the car door, Rack was having a nervous breakdown, barking up a storm that would make the Guardians of Hell, Cerberus, proud.

I just laughed hearing him through Hurricane Glass, a Truck door, and a quietly playing radio and thought nobody was there to slow him down.

As soon as my boots hit the ground, Rack went quiet and into the characteristic Happy Dance that dogs do when they see their people. 

I guess dogs need to be managed.  I know I do too.

Sunday, December 10, 2023

I sabotaged an origami competition. The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

A guy with a sense of humor and a woman who has had enough is a thunderstorm in the making.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.”

Saturday, December 9, 2023

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't read it.


A guy dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells him, “We’re getting REALLY full in here, so please tell me something that you have done in your life that’s completely unselfish and deserving of getting into Heaven.”

The guy says, “Well, one day I was driving along a back road when I came across a young woman that was being threatened by a group of bikers. I got in between them and the woman and said, ‘If you want you to touch her, you’ll have to kill me first.
St. Peter says, “Wow, that’s pretty unselfish and caring of your fellow human! When did this happen?”

The guy responds with, “About five minutes ago.”

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I'm starting to regret it.
I thought it would be a good look, but I just can't pull it off.

I removed the shells from my racing snails to help them go faster
It only made them more sluggish.

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

Bananas by the Sidewalk

I was texting my sister while out on a walk. 

As is my habit, I tend to pepper conversations on text with pictures here and there.  The thing is that I forget that for many people, I live where they vacation.

The climate in my native Philadelphia is quite different than here.  Things here just don't grow that much further north.  I'm not "true" tropics, we probably can't grow Durian here or Cacao.  I do know that neighbors have managed to grow coffee in their yards, and that surprises me because it can get blistering hot in August.

Just ask my Jeep.  I had repairs to make on it over the summer and I practically melted under the car.

"Oh look at the palm trees!  I would love looking at them all day long!"
I said "Oh yes, I forgot they don't grow up there." 

My sister is in USDA Zone 7b, and there are about six kinds of palms that will grow there, very slowly, and only if the conditions there are just right.  If I ever can find the seeds for a Saw Palmetto or a Chinese Fan Palm, she's getting them.

We're walking along and I'm attempting to hold a text conversation with her.  Attempting - I'm terrible at texting as my hands are large, and I need a full keyboard to do that right.

I'm being asked if that was my neighborhood, and yes, it was only a block from my house. 

Mind you we have a palm that started in a pot as a weed, and it's now about 20 feet tall.  Personally I have not been able to shake the nickname that was told to me - bottle brush.  They do sort of look like a bottle brush or a feather duster, but that does not detract from their beauty.

I did remember a neighbor another block away has a small stand of Bananas growing in the front yard.  I took a picture of them and she was quite surprised.

"you mean you have bananas growing near you?  WOW!"
"Yes we do.  Just like the ones you have on the table.  And yes, I have had one or two before.  Quite tasty too"

I just would not grow them in the front yard.  If I did, I would probably never get any as fruit trees grown in exposed areas tend to be picked over by people other than the property owner.

I do have a banana growing in the back yard in a pot that I think will go into the ground back there.  Since I will eat every banana I can get, I may as well.  Plus it will look quite nice growing next to the Mango Tree that I crop every year for Mango Jelly.

Everywhere has it's own kind of beauty.  Maple Trees in the North with Peaches and Pears and Apples where my sister is.  Our Tropical fruit.  You may as well enjoy what you have at your fingertips.  After all, the yard doesn't have to be filled with shade trees, that would just be bananas!

Sunday, December 3, 2023

Why did the house go to the doctors? It had window pains.

Sundays are for early days at the park, a two-fer, and doing oddball things.  Lets do oddball things together.

A naked man walks into the doctors office and says says, “doc, I think I’m going crazy”.
Doctor replies, “I can clearly see you’re nuts"

Polar bear hunting

A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.

“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”

“I do,” the man acknowledges.

“Good. So what you do is, once it freezes over, drill a big hole in the ice. Then get a can of peas - any brand will do - and sprinkle them around the edges of the hole. Polar bears love canned peas.”

“And what then?”

“Then when the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.”

Saturday, December 2, 2023

I got kicked out of mime school. It must've been something I said.

How about something a bit ageist for a Saturday Morning?  It used to be never trust anyone over 30, then never trust anyone under 30, and now it's just OK Boomer.

They're all toxic so never mind all that nonsense and just enjoy and remember we all get there sooner or later.

Sharing is caring.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "My turn for the teeth."