Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Two Ingredient Beer Bread or I Need To Eat Some Of This Stuff Now

I needed bread and I needed an easy recipe.  

How much easier do you want? 

Two ingredients.

It was pretty good too.  Not too sweet, and this recipe is one that I will stick with since I still have the beer and want something "bread" and not "muffin-like".

Sugar in these breads seem to be added to counter the taste of baking powder.  I personally tend to omit, but you can try it like this and adjust later like I will.

The ingredients are easy:
  • 1 bottle of Beer.  12 OZ/340mL.  I used Corona Extra Longneck because we're in Quarantine.
  • 3 cups SIFTED of Self Rising Flour. 680g according to DuckDuckGo.com
  • 3 Tablespoons of Sugar - TO TASTE, I used none because I forgot.  Standard measure is 15g per tablespoon or 45g total.
(see below if you want to make the S.R. Flour yourself)

Process:
  • Grease your Bread Pan.
  • Preheat the oven to 350F
  • SIFT 3 Cups Self Rising Flour into a mixing bowl.
  • Add Sugar to Taste - Or Don't because I forgot it.
  • Pour your 12 ounce beer into the mixing bowl and mix until it "Comes Together"
  • Mix the batter and pour into greased bread pan.
  • Bake for 40 plus "minutes" - until properly golden brown.

If you don't have Self Rising Flour:

For Each Cup:
  • 1 Cup All Purpose Flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons Baking POWDER
  • 1/2  teaspoon Salt 

Sift or mix together.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

My international audience will scratch their collective heads and wonder why the people here in the US put up with this for profit healthcare garbage.   Trust me, I could give you chapter and verse as to why the system here is rigged and how difficult it is to turn a battleship around in a harbo(u)r.

However this first joke explains it best.


The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all the shareholders in your company."

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what´s the catch?"







THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU´VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO



10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

  9. Directions to your doctor´s office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park".

  8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

  7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

  6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

  5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

  3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

  2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn´t come in different colors with little "M´s" on them.

  1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Kevin's Dad Joke Revenge

Ok, so to help keep his business running, Kevin's company had a competition.

Actually this is at least the second since the Wuhan Virus started up and we all ended up eating food from boxes.

Yes, rest of world, welcome to Hurricane Prep and Hurricane Food.   It's a part of why I am making so damn much bread, and had to buy a Pound of Yeast from my normal Wholesale To The Public store via the web.  

Long story, won't get into it.

Anyway, everyone was invited to send in their best one liners and Dad jokes to everyone else.  I don't know if there was a prize but hey aren't Bad Dad Jokes their own reward?

I think so so I put them here, every weekend. 

The Facebook Group doesn't necessarily read them, the count of people actually coming to here from there drops by half instead of the normal Wednesday postings.

But on the other hand, I get comments and complements from the folks who read it via the Wordpress site.

So I continue onward posting these silly things for as long as I get them.  They please me, and I truly do hope they please you.

If not, make a suggestion of what to write about.  Or write an article.  I'll probably post it even if I do have to give it a read first.   Consider me your Editor.

Anyway, here goes!


What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Damn.

If this virus is Chinese, I don’t want to see the Original.
 
Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other “Can you smell carrots”?
 
Why do fish in Egypt find it hard to face reality? Because they live in de-nial.
 
How many members of Oasis does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them: one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the light bulb and the rest to ask The Beatles if they’re doing it right.
 
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
 
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
 
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
 
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.
 
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
 
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
 
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets!
 
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy
 
My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.
 
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
 
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Beer Bread Recipe So Good That Even Wrong It Was Tasty

I am still trying different bread recipes here at home, well, because we're bored here.

However, it's getting eaten.

This is a beer bread.  Yes, I used a bottle of Corona to make it.  Not a bad beer, frankly, for an American Style Lager.  I get a case before every hurricane season, and since I drink beer slowly, I'm down to 8 bottles since December.  About one per week.

This beer bread is made with all purpose flour, instead of Self Rising flour.   I made a mistake.  I used Baking SODA instead of Baking POWDER.  Don't make that mistake, however I ended up with a bread that was like a muffin or a cake. 

That odd piece on the side?  I had that about an hour ago and am trying to stop myself from "Spoiling My Dinner".   

Since the result was interesting enough, and we all liked it, the recipe is here. Just make my mistake and you end up with a very soft bread.

If you don't have Self Rising Flour:

  • 1 cup all purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons Baking POWDER
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
No, you don't need that for this recipe here.



Oh well, it will work with PB&J or with French Toast this way. 

This beer bread is a bit on the sweet side, so feel free to reduce the amount of sugar. 

It also was quite buttery, and very soft.  If you tossed some fruit into this it would make some interesting Muffins.

Ingredients:

  • 3 cups All Purpose Flour SIFTED.  (It makes it lighter)
  • 1 teaspoon Salt
  • 4 Tablespoons Sugar (Yes, it can be reduced)
  • 1 Tablespoon Baking POWDER
  • 1/2 cup Butter, Melted
  • 1 12 ounce bottle of beer.

Process:

  1. Preheat the oven to 375F
  2. Grease a bread loaf pan and set aside.
  3. Sift 3 cups of flour
  4. Add salt, sugar, and baking POWDER to the flour and stir to mix
  5. Add butter to the mix and stir it in until it is roughly even
  6. Pour the bottle of beer over top of the ingredents and mix until you have a batter
  7. The batter will be rather wet.
  8. Pour the batter into the greased bread loaf pan.
  9. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes and check the loaf for doneness. 
  10. I went 50 minutes to get a soft and brown loaf

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Always give 110% unless you're a statistician.

Don't you just hate officious behavior?  Those who enforce the rules to extremes?



A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”

The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom. All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer. He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.

“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”

The student’s mouth fell agape. This wasn’t fair at all. He stammered for a moment saying “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.” Still, the old man refused. Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”

The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting. “No, I do not,” The moderator replied.

Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then left the room.


Saturday, April 18, 2020

You're so old, your doctor is a paleontologist.

Ok, if you have been reading these Weekend Jokes that I have been posting for far too long, you have figured out that I love a good Groaner.  I also love a good Dad Joke.

This is one of those.



Good news and bad news

A man is driving down the highway on a rainy night and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the side of the road to change it.

While changing the tire his wrench slips from his hand and slides underneath his car.

He lies down flat to inch under the car and retrieve it.

As he’s in the prone position, a passing truck loses control on the wet road and runs over his legs.

The man goes unconscious and wakes up in the hospital.

A doctor comes in the room and sits down next to him. The doctor says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The man says, “Ok, give me the bad news first.”

The doctor sighs a heavy sigh and slowly says, “We had to amputate both legs and you will never walk again.”

The man, completely distraught, takes a moment to soak in the news and asks “Ok, now give me the good news?”

The doctor perks up and announces brightly with a smile, “The guy down the hall wants to buy your slippers!”

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Irish Soda Bread Or Searching for a Better Recipe

The short story is I'm trying out recipes because we all have the time.

The long story is I haven't found a recipe that passes for my daily bread and just may end up going on a different tangent.  I will keep trying.

I remember the Irish Soda Bread my sister made when I was a kid.

She made a batter, flattened it in a skillet that somehow I have managed to keep to this day.

Then warmed up the oven and before tossing it in the oven, skillet and all, she poked a hole in the middle with her finger.

The bread was salty, warm, and very tasty.

I have been trying to find that recipe ever since.

This one I have here is an amalgamation of a couple recipes, none of which ended up as good as that recipe of my sister's.

This is a pretty good recipe, and has a good flavor to it, so if you want to experiment go for it.

Irish Soda Bread goes from ingredients to oven quickly because there is no rising.

The thing about Irish Soda Bread is that the crumb is usually quite dense, and salty.  If that isn't your thing then you might not care for what I have here today.

Even if it was tasty!


Ingredients:

For Buttermilk:
  • 285mL/10 ounces Milk.
  • 30mL/2 Tablespoons/1 Ounce Vinegar or Lemon Juice.  I used Wine Vinegar because I spotted it at random, and I have used other kinds of Vinegar.

For the Dough:
  • 500g/17.5 ounces Bread Flour
  • 30g/1 ounce/2 Tablespoons of unsalted butter, melted or softened.
  • 10g/1 Teaspoon Salt.
  • 10g/1 Teaspoon Baking Soda. For extra rise, use a little more.
  • 1 Egg.

Process:

Buttermilk:
  • Pour out 10 ounces of Milk to a measuring cup.
  • Add 2 Tablespoons of Vinegar/Lemon Juice to the Milk.
  • Stir that a few times and allow 10 minutes for the Buttermilk to "brew".

Dough (It's Easier than it looks):
  • Preheat oven to 220C/425F.
  • Lay out cookie sheet and place Aluminum Foil or Baking Parchment on top.
  • Add your Flours to the mixing bowl.
  • Add Butter, Salt, and Baking Soda to the bowl and mix the dry ingredients together.
  • Whisk the Egg and Buttermilk together.
  • Add the Buttermilk and Egg mixture to the dry ingredients.
  • Knead the dough until it becomes an even mixture.
  • Make a well in the middle of the flour to accept the other ingredients.
  • The dough should form a soft, wet "Play Doh" Modeling Compound consistency.
  • Shape your dough into one loaf.
  • Score the top of your dough with a knife or fork to allow the center to cook fully.
  • Bread is done when tested to at least 165F in the thickest part of the Bread Loaf.
  • (Or by eye, these loaves were cooked to 180F)
Baking:

For one loaf, baked at 425F for 35 minutes.

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

I can't say I know if the attribution to the university is correct, but I will say that the first time I heard this was when I was in a science class on the first day of the term in my own university. 

I'm glad to see the story is still going around, it's worth the read.



The following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul > gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

    If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Overslept this morning.... I was late getting to the living room.

Oddly, there is usually a theme to these things on the weekend.  I'm not really sure what it is, but they do feel like they belong together.   Cross-eyed little Dad Jokes I guess...


A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.
As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.
Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”
The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”
“Between the first and second holes”.
“Her stance is too wide”.


All three of a farmers daughters are going on a date tonight. With him being overprotective he decides to meet each boy at the front door with a shotgun.
The first boy says: “Hi my name is Eddy and I’m here to eat spaghetti with Betty” The farmer sends them on their way.
The second boy says: “Hi my name is is Tam and I’m here to pan gold with Pam.” The farmer sends them on their way.
The third boy says “Hi my name is Chuck and I’m here to..” The farmer shoots him.


A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.
So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside.
She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he drank the whole bottle.
Pharmacist: WHAT!? Laxatives won’t help a bad cough!
Assistant: Well since he drank it he doesn’t dare cough anymore.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Cream Biscuits With Magic Buttery Flavor

This recipe is weird.

No, I mean it, this is a recipe with a mystery.

Every recipe evolves over time.  

Three simple ingredients that make a reproduce-ably good "Southern Style" Biscuit, but I can do some intriguing things by just changing conditions.

Like making them taste like butter when NO butter is used.

And no, British folks, these are a savoury shortbread roll usually served soaked in butter and jelly or covered in a Sausage Gravy or Red Eye Gravy.

Proper Southern cooks will look at this recipe and roll their eyes. 

There is ZERO butter in the recipe.  You don't have to fret over little chunks of frozen butter designed to add rise and lift to the result.  You can paint the outsides with melted butter before cooking but I prefer mine without.  You don't have to overheat the kitchen with a blazing oven because that chases the buttery flavor away!

I'm not a Southern Cook.  I am originally from, Gasp!, New Jersey!

(Queue the dramatic fanfare!)


This is simple, mix, chop into portions, bake, serve.  No Fuss!


Ingredients are straightforward.

2 cups or 286g of Self Rising Flour
1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream.  Mine says 36% on it and there are heavier creams.
1 teaspoon of sugar.

Process:

Mix thoroughly dry ingredients.
Add cream and mix until it makes a sticky dough.
Cut dough into 7 pieces, about 90g or about 3 ounces per.

Baking:

For conventional flavor, bake at 450-500F for 12 minutes and check at 10 minutes for doneness.

OR

If you want that Butter Flavor, bake these at 350F (Moderate Oven) for 25 minutes and check for doneness.  You will probably close the oven for another three.

Here is the mystery.  Regular Biscuits tend to have a strong butter flavor as SERVED because they are painted in salted melted butter.  These biscuits as baked at high temperature without butter painted on them are a somewhat salty shortbread biscuit.

HOWEVER, if you LOWER the temperature in the oven to 350F Magic happens!

Yes, the house will begin to smell markedly of butter.  Fresh butter smell wafts along with the smell of baking bread/biscuits, and you will wonder why?

I still am, but this is the thing.  That butter flavor stays with the biscuits.  If you bake them at 350F, you get a buttery biscuit without all that extra salt and added calories.

Like I said Magic!

You can add butter to this if you like, but I fail to see the reason!

This is what happens when a baker has too much time on their hands and is locked in the house for too long!

Sunday, April 5, 2020

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.



A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.

On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.

The time was right to make a move.

The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live.
If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.

The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.”

Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.

Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

Saturday, April 4, 2020

How can you tell the difference between a regular virus and a retrovirus? The 1970s haircut.

The art of humor is all about wordplay.  In this case, all you need is a reference of a letter or two that would lead you to make a different conclusion.  The more of a pun the more of a dad joke I guess, but I'll let you decide.


A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Instant Pot Refried Beans Are Pretty Darn Good

A recipe so good and so easy that I am writing it before I forget what I did.

The resulting recipe using Olive Oil is Vegan, but don't let that scare you, I served mine with some grated cheese on top in the Mexican Style.  It's a mild dish, and I am estimating that it's about 150 calories per serving cooked with Olive Oil, More if the spices and onion are cooked with animal fats which is more traditional.

Personally I recommend making this recipe with double the spices and onions.  I found it as written bland and not authentic.  Doubling it was much closer to what I expected from my favorite Mexican Restaurant.

Finally, I used a potato masher to get the texture right but these beans were creamy like a good yogurt when I was through. 

Soaking them in Baking Soda really is necessary, if not required!   It also drastically reduces the gas you get when you soak them in Baking Soda. 

So here's what to do with all those beans you impulse bought to help you through any emergencies!

Ingredient list:
  • Dry Pinto Beans - 8 oz/1/2 pound/225 grams
  • Water - 3 cups for soaking plus about 3 cups for the Instant pot.
  • Baking Soda - 1/2 teaspoon once for the soak, once for the Instant pot.  It makes your beans extra silky soft.
  • Oil or Fat for cooking - Bacon Grease, Lard,  or other rendered fats are traditional.  I used a deeply green Olive Oil because I just didn't want that many calories added back to a light side dish.
  • Onion - 1/4 to 1/2 Minced Fine
  • Garlic - 1-2 cloves Minced Fine
  • Cumin - 1/2 teaspoon
  • Oregano - 1 Sprig or 1 teaspoon dry.

First, soak your beans: Yes, the night before.  Do it, you will be thankful.  This will give you creamy beans that will seem to melt as you prepare them.

  • For 8 ounces/ 1 cup dry/ 225g of pinto beans, add them to a large bowl with 3 cups of water.
  • Add 1/2 teaspoon of Baking Soda and swirl the water around.
  • Cover the bowl and ignore overnight.  
  • I waited 12 hours.

Second - Cook your beans in the instant pot:

  • Drain the beans - you will notice that the water is brown and somewhat syrupy.
  • Rinse the beans thoroughly.  I gave mine three passes through the water until clear.
  • Drain the beans again.
  • Add beans to the Instant pot.
  • Add enough water to cover the beans plus at least a thumbnail extra over top.
  • Close and seal the Instant Pot.
  • Cook on the Beans Button or 25 minutes plus Natural Release.

Third - Prepare your spice mixture:
  • 1/4 onion diced quite small.
  • 1-2 cloves of garlic to taste.
  • 1/2 teaspoon dry Oregano or 1 sprig fresh.
  • 1 Bay Leaf.
  • 1/4 teaspoon Cumin.
  • Salt to taste.

Fourth - After Natural Release, Cook your Spice Mix
  • Drain the Instant Pot of the water.
  • Remove the Beans and set them aside.
  • Add your oil or fat to the bottom of the Instant Pot.
  • Turn the Instant Pot to Saute and allow it to warm the oil to cooking temp (shimmering).
  • Add the Spice Mixture and Onions to the pot.
  • Cook the Onions well until they become clear to translucent.
Finally add the beans to the instant pot and stir.  At this point the beans will be very tender.  I did not need a mixer to get the proper silky texture to my Refried Beans.  Authentic Refried Beans do tend to have some unbroken beans in the mix.  If you are unsatisfied with the smoothness, blast it with a stick blender or potato masher until you are.

Made with Olive Oil, this should be well under 200 calories per serving for a quarter of the batch with a healthy portion of cheese on top.  Your Mileage May Vary!