Sunday, June 30, 2024

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

I look at some of the couples when I am out there and think that someone was standing in a bar somewhere and thought "Ya know, I gotta have some of that".

Or something similar.  You know, like lets spend a life together is a nicer way of saying it.

 Hi mom, are you OK?

A guy goes to a blind date and asks his friend: "What do I do when she looks so awful I don't like her from the first moment?"

"Don't worry, there's an app called 'Hi mom, are you OK' - you schedule it to ring your phone, when you like the person, you just ignore it, when not, just pretend your mom is in trouble and leave the date."

The guy installs the app and goes to the date.

When he sees the woman, he realizes she is absolutely gorgeous. Then, her phone rings.
She picks up the phone and says: "Hi mom, are you ok?"

Saturday, June 29, 2024

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Arr, M'atey!

How about a triple play?  I may be feeling generous this morning, but I haven't been out for the second dog walk of the day and need that before making pancakes or french toast.  Don't worry, the meal can be and is right-sized. 

Anyway, that nutritional nonsense done, how about a little duck at the movies?

So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck. Takes it everywhere he goes.
One day, he goes to the movie theater, and the lady selling tickets says, "Hard no, you're not taking that duck into my theater!"
So he goes around the corner and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants, and sneaks him into the movie.
About 20 minutes into the movie, the duck starts getting restless and squirming around. So the guy unzips his pants so the duck can stick his head out and breathe.
The lady sitting next to him elbows her husband and says, "Honey, the guy next to me just unzipped his pants!"
"Just ignore him, honey."
"But his thiiing is sticking out!"
"Just ignore him, honey."
"Well I would, but it's eating my popcorn!"

 In his advanced age, Attila the Hun lost the power of speech.

Undeterred by this development, he learned to communicate via sign language.
If this weren’t enough, he developed a fetish where his only satisfaction came from watching his men vigorously jostle a maiden.
His favorite subject was a pretty lass named after the 5th month of the year.
It only worked when he was in the mood, though; he had to ask for it.
His men soon learned to shake May while the Hun signs.

A pizza delivery driver pulls up next to an ambulance

And motions for the paramedic to roll down their window
“You know, we have pretty much the same job” says the delivery driver

“Yeah, and how’s that?”
“We both try to deliver them warm”

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Apparently, My Jeep Has Crabs.

I keep repeating this: Here in South Florida you live closer to wildlife than in the Northeast.

In Pennsylvania you have a greater chance of getting hit by a Deer.  They're all over the place.  I once was on a trail in Valley Forge and was joined by a Deer who trotted alongside me.  I know of someone whose car was rammed by one.

In New Jersey, guard your food at the Jersey Shore.  If not a Sea Gull will swoop in and attack it.

In New York City there are Coyotes in Central Park.

However here, in South Florida, my Jeep has Crabs.

And truth be told, all of the above are in South Florida.  Including Fox, Ball Python, Parrots, Ducks, Chickens, and more.  I've seen each of them.  I have been told to shut up by a Cherry Headed Amazon parrot before.

I told someone just yesterday when he was amazed at the crows here to "Make friends with them, they bring you gifts".

Apparently my house though has a crab living on the property.  I step outside the door to inspect my Jeep.  I do that frequently because the car is 22 years old and it likes that.  I look for any wildlife on my porch and spot the little critter.  Kind of pretty.  Looks like something you might see on a Maryland license plate.

This one has a blue stripe across it's body.  Carapace. 

And it did not like me being there so it ran off.  Under my Jeep. 

I did leave it alone, I do that.  After all, a Crab will eat up the nasties here like the Termites that were swarming a couple weeks back, and other things that may show up when you have a lot of nature nearby.

Luckily nothing too threatening here although I have run into a cougar or two.  She wanted to buy me a drink.  Thanks, I'm good.

Sunday, June 23, 2024

I need a bagel like I need a hole in my bread!

 Here I sit.  Foot up on the arm of the couch, sipping half-caff because the Radar says that my workout park is under an interesting dark green blob of a thunderstorm.

I just explained to my sister from another mister up North that weather here is like a bowling alley.  Usually you end up with a split except when everyone gets wet with a strike.

Usually storms come at you from any direction and can miss you by just as much as a block.  With the park only 8 miles North of me, I'm sitting here dry.

Sipping coffee.  Want some? 

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead.
I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes.
But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgun shell which had lodged near the top of the tree.
I don't know if it was ejected there, or carried by a bird but you can imagine my surprise at seeing...
A cartridge in a bare tree.

A child goes up to their mom.
The child looks at their mom and asks, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs gray?"
A little embarrassed, the mother comes up with an explanation that would be easy for the child to understand saying, "Well, those are my sad hairs. Every time you make me feel sad, one of my hairs turns gray."
"Oh," the child responds thinking on the answer. After a moment, they look up and ask, "So what did you do to Grandma?"

Saturday, June 22, 2024

My brother-in-law was dating a dolphin. They broke up. He really wanted to have a porpoise.

 Living in a resort town gives you a different view of a lot of things. Like a contempt for bar owners and tourists.

Somehow this just seems true to home.

The bar needs a bouncer.

A man entered a bar that was advertising for a bouncer.
He went up to the bartender and asked, "Has that bouncer position been filled?”
“Not yet,” said the bartender, “do you have any experience?”
“Well, no,” said the man, “but watch this!”

He walked over and picked up an obviously drunk patron and threw him right out of the front door.
“How about that for experience?,” he crowed.
“Not bad,” the bartender conceded, “but you’ll need to talk to the boss about the job.”
“OK,”, the man said, “where is he?”
“Well,” laughed the bartender, “he’s that bruised individual who is just now staggering back in through the front door!”

Wednesday, June 19, 2024

$420 on Bulk Trash Day, Or Was It?

Up an hour before sunrise is normal for me.  Sometimes as much as two hours.

I got used to doing this when I was trying to get to Fairmount Park in Philadelphia before the events would start so I could get my own training in on inline skates.

I called it a Boob Walk, I'll let you figure out any second meanings.  I shall explain it as a bunch of boobs walking around miles in the heat to make dollars so the charities could get pennies.

Looking into the finances of that boondoggle, I will never give anything to the United Way - their offices were the "Palace on the Parkway" in Philadelphia compared to even the Rodin Museum a few blocks away.

Hmm, interesting aside?

Anyway... Rack and I got up and went for this walk.  I intended to go to The Park and get in a marathon on the bike that morning, and I did.  But that all means we have to be quick about the walk and not dawdle.

It was the one day a month where we had Bulk Trash Pickup. 

Bulk Trash Day is an odd beast.  I've used it before when we had our Sea Grape tree "lowered" for the last couple years.  That tree is huge, or rather it's big now, it was huge thanks to Nelson and his landscaping team climbing up the thing and chopping it down by about half of its height artfully.   It's still alive even if the termites had begun to eat it away - which is what we are told happens to these trees.

Every so often someone leaves out a "gift" for an eagle eye.  Once I found a New In The Box Microwave Oven sitting on top of a pile.  Yoink, that oven now lives with us.

This was nothing different but I suspect someone was having a bit of fun. 

What caught my eye was a "Power Tower".  You plug this thing into the wall, it has 16 sockets for power along with some USB power ports.  I can't imagine using this for all 16 ports at once but it will get used.

I pulled that out, and found a second wall socket with 6 more power ports and 2 USB ports.  Since at this day and age, the USB is fairly important it was worth grabbing.

However when I lifted that off the ground I saw a $100 bill!
Then a Second, Third, and Fourth.
Under that $400 was another $20.

Ok! I can fill my Jeep for 8 tanks was what I was thinking. 

I grabbed the bills and got out of there.  Plunging them into my pocket and getting Rack moving, I noticed they did not feel quite right.

Hmm.... (again).

When I got home I looked again and found that the money was not legal tender but Movie Funny Money!  Motion Picture Purposes was emblazoned on the face and back of the bills, and the paper was decidedly thicker.  It looked casually accurate to real US Currency but it was lacking the anti-counterfeit thread that is in all bills now that states the amount on it.

Groaning, I took a deeper look at it.   There was a website where you and I could order more of the stuff and get $10000 worth for about $15 real dollars once shipping is included.

Briefly considering that it was going to go into the Monopoly game I considered that would be about the best thing I could do with the blatantly non-money money.

So it's sitting at my left elbow right now, with Ben Franklin glumly looking at me as I have a crooked smile glowering back.

After all, what can you do with the stuff?  "Make It Rain"?  I suspect that might be why those places have the reputation of being so expensive, not that that is my style anyway.

All in all it was a lot to take in before my first mug of coffee.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Hoping to travel to the Mediterranean this Thanksgiving. I heard they got a whole country made of Turkey!

Having a rest just like this guy in the story?  Good day for it too, nice and warm but not hot, breezy but not too windy.  Just not crazy, huh?

 The mental asylum was getting full and they had to discharge some patients

The psychiatrist devised a simple test to see which patients had recovered enough to return to society. He assembled all patients and drew a door on a chalkboard. He then announced that whoever was able to open that door would be released from the asylum.

Chaos broke out! The patients began running and fighting to be first to the chalkboard. They began to push, kick, scratch and even bite the door.

Disappointed, the psychiatrist was about to give up when he saw a patient calmly standing next to the wall. Hopefully, he approached the patient and asked him, "Why aren't you rushing to the door?"

The patient replied, " I'm not so mad as the rest to rush to it. There's no way they can open it."

The psychiatrist asked him, "Why's that?"

"I have the key!" the patient replied

Saturday, June 15, 2024

What's does nuclear radiation specialist have for dinner? Fission chips!

I don't know about you but I really enjoy a good beer battered Fish And Chips.

Serve mine with a dark beer, stout, or IPA, please!!!

A an army Colonel is newly assigned command of a unit. On his first day, he walks by a park bench with an armed private standing guard next to it.

The Colonel asks, "son, why are you standing guard by this bench?"
"I wouldn't know, sir," answers the Private. "The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift."

So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, "Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?"
"Captain's orders, sir," answers the Sergeant. "I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard."

Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. "Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?"
"Sir," answers the Captain, "this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?"
"No," answers the Colonel, "keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important."

After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and travelled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. "General," asks the Colonel, "do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I'm now in command of?"
The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, "YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN'T DRIED?"

Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Some Canning Basics. - Too much rain, too many mangoes, too much free time. I guess I'll can mango jelly!

I'm sitting here on a Wednesday Morning debating the same thing I did yesterday.  Will the weather hold for me to get a workout in.

Yesterday, no absolutely not.  When I stopped watching Miami got 3 inches of rain and it was still going on. 

Today, I don't think so.  The leftover rains washed everything onto the road beds, left ponds everywhere, and there's more to come.  30 miles South, 60 miles West, and all coming here for a visit to Metro Fort Lauderdale.  My back yard.

So I'm considering my options.  Since it is Wet Season, you have to let the weather do the talking.

I could throw the bike on the car and drive to the park and go around 5 times, or until I get rained out.

I could make more Mango Jelly, and can the stuff and use up all of the morning.

I could do both, bike in the morning until I get wet then can jelly in the afternoon.

Since dog walk 2 is going to happen ... now, I'm going out to try to decide later.  To do anything athletic, I need a carboload and a lot of planning.  Procrastination does not lend itself to being a Jock.

While I was out, there was a storm that blew up over the park that I workout at, 8 miles North of me.  I never saw it here, at home, but RADAR made the decision for me.

Canning Basics:

WARNING:  Canning food is always at your own risk and your own skill level at keeping items and surfaces clean.  Boil everything you can for 30 minutes and please be careful.  Any doubt, buy new food at the supermarket.

Start with jars and lids that are as clean and undamaged as possible. 
If needed, run everything that touches food through the dishwasher.
You have to sterilize everything that touches food:

  • Boil everything for 30 minutes minimum.
  • All Spoons, Jars, Lids, and "Tools" like Funnels must be boiled for 30 minutes.
  • Everything.
  • If it does not touch the food, and only "outside" you can just make sure that it's clean and not sterile.  This is things like Jar Handlers and pot holders.

This does not guarantee that your food once canned will remain wholesome and good to eat. 
Do not can food with a high egg content. 
Use promptly, 6 Months or sooner.  I have personally gone a year but I'm stupid.

If any questions consult another source like the USDA for safe food handling procedures.  That link points you to the University of Georgia site which is where the USDA wanted you to go anyway.

Your Food should be cooked to the proper temperature to kill any bacteria.  If I am canning, I cook to a minimum of 165F as tested with a kitchen thermometer.  Hotter is better.   No Raw Foods.  When you boil the jars to seal them for 30 minutes, you will end up cooking them again anyway.

The Chart linked here shows you how hot you can cook your food to serve.  You are canning, you need a higher standard.  "Well Done" here is good.

Now that you have the food cooked, and your canning jars have been boiled, the process begins to fill your jars. 

The process that I will use is:

  • Take the sterilized funnel from the boiling water and set aside on a clean plate.
  • Remove a jar from the boiling water and empty it into the pot.
  • Set the jar on a clean workspace plate.
  • Remove a lid from the boiling water and set that aside on the plate.
  • When filling a jar remember that the food will expand in the water bath, leave room from the top of the jar when you fill.
  • Fill the jar with your food, and set a lid on top of the filled jar.
  • Use a clean ring to loosely secure the lid in place. 
  • You should be able to turn the ring but not have it come off if you lift by the ring.
  • Set the filled jar in the hot water bath using the clean tools.
  • Repeat for the remainder of the food and jars.
  • When the pot has been filled, lower your jars into the hot water bath.
  • Bring the water up to a full boil.
  • Boil the water bath for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Reusing Jars is acceptable but Reusing Lids is risky.  If your last use of the lid required it to be pried off, and it bent, you probably won't be able to get a good seal from that lid and ring.  They should look clean, round, flat, and unbent.

I have reused lids.  I almost always reuse rings.  Always reuse your jars if you are short, nobody will know.

Sunday, June 9, 2024

I accidentally took my cat's medication... Don't ask meow.

Just back from a 22 plus mile workout and I'm rehydrating.  Now I would love some lemonade but there are no lemons in the house. 

And there's these two clowns.

  A stockbroker walks past a girl selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?

He looks over at the sign that says BROWNIES ¢10 LEMONADE $20

“Hey kid, your sign is wrong. I think you mean twenty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, twenty bucks mister. You want some?”

“Look sweetie, you’re too young to understand economics but you can only change what someone is willing to pay. It doesn’t cost you much to make it, so if you charge a lower price you’ll make more profit.”
The little girl thinks for a moment. “Hmm…nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay look… I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? You’re losing money on the brownies but you’re not making any profit because nobody wants to pay that much for a lemonade when they can get it cheaper a few blocks away. Understand?”
“Nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

“You know what? I give up, guess this is the only way you’ll learn. Here’s a dime for a brownie, I bet it cost you more than that.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dime and the stockbroker decides to eat the brownie right in front of her to make the point.

Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…this tastes like sawdust and garbage! Get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

Saturday, June 8, 2024

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese? A cheesy pickup line

 I will be retreating into the kitchen shortly to start the bread dough for the lunch time pizza.  It's by request.  A Semi-Non-Traditional bread dough that is more of a bun or a brioche used as a crust.  I've added both chocolate or cinnamon sugar to this and fried them for some rather good donuts.  But today, I won't have time, just rolls and pizza.

A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar.

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.

The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.

The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."

"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"

The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Short Mango Harvest Means An Early Tree Trimming Season Has Begun

It has been an off year for mango harvests here. 

Oh sure, I have harvested a few less fruit from my own tree, and one of them was 18 ounces in weight.  About a half a kilo at 510 grams.  But all the trees that I pay attention to have been dropping fewer fruit.

So ... it's time to trim the thing back.  In fact, it's a month earlier than last year.

If not you end up with a 40 foot monster taking up the back yard and lifting the pool into the sky.  You don't want that to happen, pools are expensive to repair and that will make you a sad panda.

The problem is that even a small Mango tree is fairly large.  Mine made it to 15 feet this year.

Every year I cut it back.  Way back.  To about as tall as I am.  Turn the thing into a hat rack. 

It mopes, then out of the branches that are left you get new growth. 

We have this thing here called "Bulk Trash Day" that happens once a month.  I don't want to wait for that, although had I done so I could just cart the limbs to the curb and wait for the man with the claw machine to scoop them up.

Instead, I fill up the big blue trash cans and take it down in stages.  Long stages. 

I did it once already, and will have to do it twice again.

Since I still have Mango Chunks in the freezer, I will not miss them.  This has been a strange year and I do need the space. 

While a realtor will tell you to cut down a mango tree if you have the house up for sale, they will also tell you that in this day and age they are surprised when they encounter a house that uses their kitchen.  At least here in South Florida, they've found homes where the original instructions for the oven are still in the oven years later.

That won't work with me.  I have churned butter, made soap, and canned mango jelly in the past and I shall again.

Besides, Mango Jelly goes quite nicely on French Toast or Pancakes.

Sunday, June 2, 2024

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders. But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

While this is in London with a Scottish Cop, I see this stuff happen every day from my chair and I can't say I blame the police for being frustrated.  South Philly Glide or the California Stop.  

Folks, Stop signs are not Optional.  Not even here when you are on vacation.

It would be best to keep on the good side of a Scottish cop.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"

Saturday, June 1, 2024

What starts with B and is full of B? A beehive!

This story reminds me of the line "If it is tourist season, why can't we hunt them?"

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He pays the $10 and leaves.

As he's walking back home, he starts to get a weird feeling like someone is watching him. He turns around and spots a rat following him. He shrugs it off and keeps walking.

But when he turns around again, there are 2 rats. Then 3. Then 5. Then 10. All following him.

The man starts walking faster as more and more rats start to follow him. He breaks out into a run as rats start streaming towards him out of alleyways and buildings.

Finally, he turns towards the docks. He runs right to the edge of the water and throws the golden rat statue as far as he can into the deep water. The stream of rats breaks around him and they all jump into the water after the statue, drowning in the murky depths.

Once the last rat has sunk below the surface, the man races back to the shop where he bought the statue. He bursts in, and the old man looks at him smugly.

"Ah, I see you have returned for the story."

"No, I want to know if you have a statue of a lawyer!"