Saturday, October 31, 2020

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals. I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. 

The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. 

As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice Coulomb, who were driving with their friend when they crashed in the rain. 

We were very low on the blood needed for their friend, but thankfully the brother and sister were both universal donors."

The colleague asked, "So which one did you get the blood from, the brother or the sister?"

The doctor shrugged and replied, "A little from Coulomb, A; a little from Coulomb, B."


Since that was a bit short, here is a bonus!


A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the stewardess and points at the man...

“That man just insulted me. I don’t have to pay all this money for a plane to be insulted like this.”

The stewardess goes, “I deeply apologize madam. I would be delighted to help arrange your seating. We have a spot up in First Class where we can give you a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey.”

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Kevin's Pizza Sauce or To Make The Best Pizza On The Island, You Need The Best Sauce

When I moved to South Florida I was surprised how mediocre the pizza here was.  Flat sauces, tasteless cheeses, and crusts that were more like the cardboard the box was made from.

We all went on a tear looking for the best pizza shop around.

I never found one like the pizza shops I had in Philadelphia, and the New Yorkers I know here all said the same as me.

Applying our own stubborn knowledge, we found a recipe that surpassed the best here, and some of the best up there.   Crusts can be fiddly and cheese mixes are personal, I use 2-3 parts low moisture Mozarella to 1 part Parmesan.  

Once tweaked to your personal tastes, this sauce I would put up against any sauce in any pizza parlor that is in business.


  • 10 ounces of Tomato Passata - Pureed Strained Roma Tomatoes will do in a pinch.
  • 1/2 large onion - Depending on how sweet, reduce the amount to about 1/4 onion to taste.
  • 26 ounce Can of San Marzano Tomatoes
  • 2 tablespoons chopped garlic
  • Olive oil 

Ingredients for Spice Mix:

  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/8 teaspoon red pepper flakes
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper


Into saucepan add 2 tablespoons olive oil and tomato passata.
Into Cuisinart, Food Mill, Blender or Similar add onion, garlic, and tomatoes only from Can of San Marzano tomatoes while reserving the liquid.
Puree until very smooth.

Take leftover sauce from San Marzano Tomatoes and empty into saucepan
Empty Cuisinart into saucepan.

Bring all ingredients in saucepan to slow boil.
Turn down to simmer.

Add Spice Mix to saucepan
Reduce until you have enough for 2 pizzas or so. 

Your sauce should be fairly thick.  It will take a long time to go to get about 14 ounces of sauce.

The longer you reduce this or any cooked sauce, the better it will taste!  

Mom would leave a pot of sauce on all weekend.  

Trust in Mom!

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Will glass coffins ever catch on? Remains to be seen.

It is a two-fer today.   Since they're always a variation on a theme, that theme today is what made me laugh when I was half asleep.


A bus gets in to a terrible crash.

Everybody inside dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates of Heaven, God is there to greet them. He says to the first person, “Before you get in to Heaven, I can grant you one wish.”

The first person in line says, “Well, I wish I was pretty.” God then grants this wish and let’s her in to Heaven.

The next person in line is also granted a wish and also says “I wish I could be pretty.”

When she says this, the person at the very end of the line starts to chuckle.

Everyone in the line thinks that the first two people had a good wish and they also wish to be pretty. As they make their wishes, the person at the back of the line starts to burst into laughter. When it’s finally his turn, God says “And what do you wish for?”

He says, “I wish they were all ugly again”


A man was at the grocery store when he suddenly notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She smiles and says hello.

The man is puzzled and can't recall where he knows her from.

He says, "Do you know me?"

The woman replies, "You’re the father of one of my kids."

The man's mind is racing and he goes back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife.

He says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a wet cucumber?"

She pauses and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s elementary teacher."

Saturday, October 24, 2020

What do you call a steak that's well done? A misteak.

If you are tired, like I am of things getting more expensive and lining the One Percent's pockets, you will probably smile at this one like I did.



A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Homemade Ant Bait for Sugar Loving Pests.

The recipe is simple.


3 to 4 tablespoons (42 to 56 ml) hot water

1 tablespoon of Borax

4 tablespoons of common granulated Sugar

A wide mouth jar with a top that seals "Reasonably well".  I suggest a jelly jar.


This needs hot water to mix all the ingredients.

Use oven mitts so you don't burn yourself.

Add the hot water to the empty jar.

Add the 4 Tablespoons of Sugar to the water.

Stir or shake until the simple syrup is made.

Add 1 Tablespoon of Borax to the liquid.

Stir or shake until the mix is complete.  It will be clear when you are done.

The Use:

I place a few drops to a teaspoon in an old bottle cap.  

The mixture will be about as thick as a maple syrup. 

Do not "Fill" the cap as the ants will need a way to get to the liquid to feed.

Place the cap near or on the ant trails and allow them to feed.

While the mixture is reasonably safe to handle, do not use consume or drink this as you will be eating borax which is used in the laundry to assist whitening and cleaning of your clothes. "Not For Internal Use" (or external use I would assume).

Even though some toys like "Slime" are made with Borax, Don't eat the stuff.

The Story is simple.  There was an ant bloom coming in from next door and we sprayed and put down ant bait.  That kept them away for a while, but we are in the wet season so every time it rained, they came back.

This worked on multiple species of ants, in my garden and seems to work by causing a "Colony Collapse".  They feed on the bait, take it back to the colony to share and it sickens them until the colony can no longer support itself or the queen.  Then they "disappear".

This works on pests that eat sugar and sweets of which are many species. 

Since this is so amazingly cheap to make, I always try this before spraying.  It just requires patience for it to work.

Sunday, October 18, 2020

Our wedding was beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.

 A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. 

He asked his client how his grandfather died. 

This was his client´s startling answer. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.

At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.

The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.

By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".

The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".

The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."

Saturday, October 17, 2020

What do you call cheese made out of clay? Terracottage cheese!

It's a Triple Play of three jokes today!




Trying to work out which new mattress to buy

So I'm looking to buy a new mattress right... the old one is about two decades old! and it's seen better days. I've been hunting around, looking left and right, do I go to a store, do I buy one online, do I buy one that gets posted that comes in a box or gets delivered by a truck. Do I get memory foam, fabric, cotton stuffing, do I get one with foam springs or the traditional coil type? I think I've found the one I want, it's cheap, looks good, comes in a box etc.

I'm completely ready to buy it now after six hours of solid research but then I figured I'd sleep on it...

I saw a Pirate walking down the street,

Being that it's halloween, I normally wouldn't think twice about it, however there was a distinct difference between this pirate and any other I had seen before.
He had a large steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.
I must say that I was intrigued so I approached this pirate and politely asked "excuse me, Mr. Pirate. What's the steering wheel on the front of your outfit supposed to be for?"
To which he replies : "ARRRRR, I don't know matey, But it's Drivin' me nuts".

Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to reveal she is completely naked. As my mouth hangs open she says: “Everything you can see between my legs is yours”

Rubbing my hands in anticipation I drop to my knees and say: “Right, I’ll have your TV, Stereo, Coffee Table, soda, fireplace...”

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Three Thousand Posts on

I guess people still read this, although it's amusing to think that I must have a knack for technical writing.

What I mean is that I've had this blog since at least 2009, and while I am doing one original post on Wednesday Mornings (Eastern) and two Joke posts on the weekend, it's these posts that I wrote while doing something "involved" with tech.

I mean tech broadly, because I could get all wordy about plastering or caulking, and without caulking you will ruin your walls.

Walls are important.

Over the last month, I have gotten quite a few reads on this blog, and while my own needs are stable at the moment, when I do need to figure something out, I put it here.

So here are the top ten for my blog, worldwide, for the last 30 days.  The first five get hit every single day.

1)  How to get Tap To Click back on Debian 10.  I use Linux exclusively.  You should too.  My laptop is from 2014 and the thing is faster than most.  If it were using windows like it came with, it would be crawling and full of "cruft" on Windows 8.  But with Debian, it flys!  The reality is that under Debian Linux, a 12 year old Core 2 Duo laptop with 4GB of memory is fast enough for most home use.  I do video and audio editing, and more on my 6 year old laptop.

2) Installing a Backing Rod.  I will be doing this again.  I'm in the middle of plastering cracks in the bathroom, and once I'm through, I will start caulking the crack between the wall and the tub.

3) Tips for Syringe Feeding Your Dog With Chronic Renal Failure.  When a dog is ready to go, they will tell you.  Lettie did.  We think we kept her alive an extra year doing this.  She finally simply stopped me from doing this any further when she was ready.  She put her paw on my hand when I sat down with the syringe and looked deeply into my eyes. 

This was the all time article I have written, with over 6100 reads.

4) Gold Medal Flour - Extraordinary Buttermilk Biscuits Recipe.  I put this recipe up because I kept losing it.  A really good biscuit (shortbread, not a sweet treat for my British Friends).  

5) Ruined Your Cream Cheese In The Freezer - Here's Your Fix.  Cream Cheese does not like to be frozen but it can be brought back to life if you slipped up.  I'll have mine with some Nova Lox and a good Toasted Sesame Bagel as my Jewish friends taught me to enjoy, but that takes a long drive for me.

6) The Broken Poang Story or You Want To Drive Across The County For a Bolt?.  As tall as I am, these chairs fit my frame perfectly.  I'm writing this seated in a Poang Rocker that I was given for my last birthday.  Thanks!

7) Propagating Ruellia, The Mexican Petunia.  Real Easy, and if you have a warm climate, you can do this.

8) Mango Jam Recipe, Fresh From the Bread Machine.  Mango Jam is amazing, truly easy to make, and if you can home can, you'll have it all year.  

9) Pat's Pizza Dough Recipe.  When my sister got married, she was given a bread baking recipe book.  I hand wrote this onto a small square of paper and still have that.  It is a good recipe, I use it frequently, and it's best if you make it after dinner and slow rise it in the fridge overnight.

10) I Hate Apple, or Reclaiming Local Access to Pictures in iOS 14.  So the deal is that I take a lot of pictures with my phone.  I use the phone like a computer and not like a little tiny etch-a-sketch like most do.  If I can't plug it into my Linux computer, and get the pictures off easily, it is worthless to me.  This gave me basic access to the pictures.  I still don't like living in Steve Jobs' walled garden  and would vastly prefer an unlocked and rooted Android Phone.  But for now...

So that would be it.  I will continue writing regularly as long as I have something to say.  I think there are some things I need to do that are long enough to be worthy of repeating here, I'm not fond of saying things that are just a lot of hot air. 

Sunday, October 11, 2020

What's in the middle of a coconut? The letter o.

You know, I'm not too fond of the wealthy.  Every time I have run into one, they demand preferential treatment and basically give some nasty attitude.   My normal comment is that kind of person should be taxed out of existence.   After all, it worked and worked well for Denmark.


 A mean, yet wealthy women's husband dies...

She goes to the preacher in the town and tells him, "I want you to preach my husband's funeral. I also want you to call him a saint."
The preacher shakes his head slightly and says, "ma'am, I cant do that. He wasn't known as a good man around these parts..."
"I will give a check right now for $50,000. But you must say he was a righteous saint."
The preacher thinks for a minute and agrees.

The day of the funeral comes and the preacher goes before the small crowd.
He says, "This man was a wicked man. He lied, he stole, he ignore the widows and orphans. He belittled the people around him and made everyone who met him to hate him."
He looked at the irate widow and smirked, "but compared to his wife he was truly a righteous saint."



And since we can't travel, why not dream of the idea.  Maybe a short hop from Fort Lauderdale to Freeport, Bahamas?

Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry’s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.

“Wow” the leader gushed “that’s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long.

“Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips…………. and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.”

“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us” the lady said “maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary” she said with a smile

“Well” Jerry said “I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up.”

Saturday, October 10, 2020

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

Haven't you looked at your pet, dog, cat or other trusted companion and said: "I wish I could have just 30 minutes to be able to talk with them and have them understand?"

I think this scientist took this a bit too seriously.

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn would, but it would have the mental capacity of a human being. Dr. Holmes instantly took a liking to the young deer, who he considered to be the son he had never had. He nurtured it tenderly and provided the fawn with all he desired.

Once the deer had begun to mature, Dr. Holmes decided it was time to begin homeschooling the young buck. He taught him to read, write, and speak. Next, he taught him basic arithmetic. Of course, Dr. Holmes decided to teach him science as well.

They started with geology. Unlike the other subjects, the deer struggled from the get-go, failing to grasp any of the basic concepts. One day, the doctor announced a pop quiz. He would hold up a picture of a rock, and the deer would have to identify it. The first rock was a light tan rock.

“Is it an igneous rock?” asked the young buck.

The doctor shook his head.

“Hmm, metamorphic?” the deer tried again.

The doctor shook his head once more. Dr. Holmes then looked at his creation, sighed, and said disappointingly, “It’s sedimentary, my deer bot son.”

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Insecticidal Soap or Engine Cleaner Recipe

(Recipe at end)

There's an old ethnic joke that I will clean up for you.

How do you know there is no ice in that country?

The little old lady with the recipe died.

Why the joke?  I tend to be that little old lady.  Other than being male, 6'4" and not really all that old aside, I have a habit of collecting odd helpful recipes and things that can be really helpful.

The garden picture shows it.   That is directly in front of my patio.  There mixed among the weeds and the Croton, I have some Basil.  Fresh basil is easy to grow, and unfortunately I am not the only one who likes it.  Mine got infested with mites.

The leaves on the basil that are curly and not "regular" are the ones where the mites were, and I didn't want to bomb the garden with persistent chemicals that would render the plants useless to use on the Pizza that I grow it for.

Insecticidal soap is apparently trivial to make.  It doesn't really have to be anything specific.  I use "Blue Dawn" dish detergent.  If you can use it to cut the grease on your dishes, you can use it on the food that goes onto the dishes. 

Or under the leaves.  

I have been using this recipe (below) for a while now, and it has reduced the number of mites, scale insect, and other nasties that want to eat my crop before I do.

But why the engine picture?  I got a wild hair, and sprayed it all over the motor.   That motor is a 18 year old Jeep Wrangler 4.0 Liter inline 6 cylinder that was smelling like old motor oil when I would park it.  Since I did the last oil change myself and managed to get some of the oil on the surfaces, I also decided to do a very rare spray of that insecticidal soap solution.   Allowed it to sit for about five minutes, and it cut the grease in there quite well, if I do say so myself.

On the other hand, while I may be a little crazy to use the stuff that way, I won't do it often since I am concerned that that may be a bit too aggressive.

I really don't recommend it to be used for that, but it did work.

Use it on your engine at your own risk.  I will use it on my Basil for my own pizza.


5 mL or 1 teaspoon Blue Dawn Dishwashing liquid.

450 mL or 16 Oz of water.


Add the water to an empty and clean spray bottle.

Add the Dawn Dishwashing Liquid.

Mix and use as needed.

Don't forget to rinse after application.  Nobody wants soapy vegetables and fruit.

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit!

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.

Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.

Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee. "I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"

Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"

"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.

"Yes sir, but-"

“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.

"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"

“Then tell me" he shrieks, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already!? Is it because I stink of sweat? Because I'm unprepared and underdressed? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"

"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"

"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realises his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"

His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly leaves the same way he came in.

He then flips over right-side up, goes back in, and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Your momma's so fat... no one can socially distance her.

 I know these Yo Momma jokes are beyond dumb but heck they make my inner 12 year old smile.  You just don't see too many of them these days.

Or as a song called "Ya Mama" by "Wuf Ticket" says:

When you're in a crowd, Just Shout out loud!  Ya Mama! Ya Mama! Ya Mama! Ya Mama!

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the Cinema."

The man goes around the corner & stuffs the Chicken into His Trousers.

He returns to the window, buys His Ticket & goes in.

Inside the Cinema, the Chicken starts to get hot & begins to squirm.

So the Man unzips His Trousers so that the Chicken can stick It's Head out & watch the Film.

Seated next to Him is A Woman. She looks over at His Lap & is horrified.

She Elbows Her Friend Agnes & whispers, "Agnes, This Man over here has just Unzipped His Trousers."

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. You've seen One. You've seen them all."

Madge says, "I Know. But this One is Eating My Popcorn."