Since there have been a lot of short jokes lately, I figured I'd put some here.
Five of them!
Neighbor: “I’ll have you know our lawyer has a $50,000 retainer!”
Me: “Wow, how bad are his teeth?”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"I picked up a bag of gummy worms today. I've got to say I don't really understand their marketing strategy. The bag says 'no artificial flavors.'" the guy says.
"I'm just curious who buys a bag of gummy worms hoping they taste as close to real worms as possible?"
An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him.
”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll probably ask me how I managed to get there in such a snowstorm.”
When the man reached the priest’s house, the following conversation was had:
Old man: Hello
Priest: How have you managed to father twelve children already?
Old man: There’s nothing to it, just strap in your beanie and helmet, and ride the old girl as fast as you can.
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.
The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."
The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised my gun and I fired. I didn't have time to identify the species. I am genuinely sorry. When I get home, I promise to make a significant donation to the Environmental Defense Fund, and I promise to never do it again."
The ranger thinks about it and says, "Well, under the circumstances I guess we could let you off with a warning. But, I'm curious: what did it taste like?"
The guy answers, "Oh, a bit like bald eagle."