Bigamy has its own penalty… Two Mothers-In-Laws!

 Ok so the topic is very 1950s boomer humor but it made me have a dopey smile so I'll pass that on.

Where as this little gem reminds me of the stories of the food deliveries during Covid Lockdown and later.  How were your fries?





Bitten menu

"Excuse me, waiter!" Says the man
Waiter: yes, can I help you sir?

Man: yes what does it it mean by "bitten burger" here on the menu?
Waiter: because the burger has a bite taken out of it

Man: a bite?... out of the burger?
Waiter: yes sir

Man: and what about the steak, is that bitten too?
Waiter: yes sir, it's bitten as well.

Man: ah but I see here on the menu that the salmon doesn't have "bitten" written with it
Waiter: yes but it comes with bitten potatoes instead

Man: why?
Waiter: because I don't like salmon

I need advice on how to handle a very controversial situation. Earlier today, I lathered and rinsed, but I did *NOT* repeat.

Ahh the things I get away with when the house is "empty"!



Another one of those that when I re-read for the dozen-th time, I got a chuckle out of it.

Here you go!





Southern charm

In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight mini skirt waited for the bus.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to board,

her skirt was so tight she couldn’t lift her leg to the first step.

Slightly embarrassed, she flashed a quick smile at the driver, reached back, unzipped her skirt a little, and tried again.

No luck.

More embarrassed now, she reached back, unzipped it a bit further, and attempted the step once more.

Still no luck.

With another polite smile to the driver, she reached behind a third time, unzipped even more, and still couldn’t make it.

A big Texan standing right behind her gently grabbed her by the waist and lifted her effortlessly onto the step.

She spun around, furious.

“How dare you touch me!

I don’t even know you!”

The Texan grinned, tipped his hat, and drawled,

“Well, ma’am… normally I’d agree with ya. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 

I think my best friend must be dyslexic. Last night we threw a Roman-themed party and he turned up wearing a goat.

 Ok, that was BAAAAD.  Wasn't it?


After watching Bohemian Rhapsody last night, this just seems appropriate.


A drummer gets kicked out of a jazz band.

The other members of the band tell him it's because his sense of timing is just the worst. 
He's so depressed that he goes down to the train yard and throws himself behind a train.




And since it is a Sunday Morning...





Road to perdition

A priest comes to a village STEEPED in sexual deviancy and fornication. It makes Sodom and Gomorrah look pure and holy.

When the people come to confess they get graphic with a capital G! So the priest makes a rule. Instead of them relating their sin in such detail, they are to simply say, "Forgive me, Father, I have fallen."

This goes on for a long time.

The people - "Forgive me, Father, I have fallen."

The priest - "Go, child, and sin no more."

20 years go by and the priest dies.

His successor arrives and takes over. He doesn't know the village history or his predecessor's edict. So when the people come to confession ("Forgive me, Father, I have fallen"), the new priest is puzzled.

One day he receives a visit from the mayor. He says to the mayor, "You really need to fix the streets in the village. The people keep falling and they are going to seriously hurt themselves."

The mayor gives him a quizzical look, thinks about it and then all of a sudden bursts out laughing. The priest, annoyed, asks, "Why are you laughing? Your wife fell 100 times last week!"

I have a calculus joke, but it’s derivative.

 I never got Calculus.  They taught it as a quit course - one designed to make you quit the university.  Hard way to calculate a derivative first.  They then said "Oh forget all that, you can do it this way".  Much easier.

Soured me on higher education from then on out.



And speaking on things that might sour you... this is a wee bit edgy, so proceed on forearmed.




Doctor doctor give me the news

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!", his mom screams, "Knock it off or you're going to break something!"

Johnny stops and shortly thereafter mom leaves to go grocery shopping. Johnny starts up again immediately.

Finally growing bored, he gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom gets home and while putting away the groceries gets a bubbling feeling in her gut. It's a diarrhea run!!!

She makes it to the toilet just in time and SPLOOSH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor, but he's baffled as she describes the situation. He assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the brown thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere! It's on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been a doctor over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!'"

Why was the fish let go from his job? The company was scaling back.

Ahh spammers.  I have to laugh at them.  May as well, they won't stop.  They probably are nothing more than a phone on a wall in a third world nation.  

As for Political Spam I am getting, I am torn between simply delete and spam block or just sending 43 copies of my middle finger in a picture.  Comic relief that is.




Papa mole, mamma mole and their two baby moles were in their tunnel beneath the grocery store.

Papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” 

A little later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” 

A little more time passed and papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.”

After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked mamma mole whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. 

She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?”

The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”



This one I think I used before.  So I'll turn this into a two-fer in case someone hasn't seen it yet.  



"God will save me"

In a small town by the riverside, it started to rain heavily. As the water levels began to rise, the townspeople started to leave, except for one very religious person. They said "God will save me".

At first, an army bus was helping evacuate the people. The person refused the bus, saying "God will save me".

As the water rose, the person had to climb to the second floor to not drown. At this time, a boat appeared and offered help. Once again, "God will save me". The boat left.

Rain continued, the water rose even more, forcing the person to go to the roof. A rescue helicopter appeared, but once again, "God will save me".

The water continued rising and the person drowned. Once in heaven, they went to God and asked "Lord! Why didn't you save me? I was a loyal servant for my whole life!"

To which God replied: "I sent help! I sent you a bus, a boat and a helicopter!"

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

I haven't been to the Park in too many days now.  I'm climbing the walls because walking six miles a day is kind of boring and not intense enough.

So if this is a repeat, just think of it as me going around the golf course six times on the bike laughing at those thinking they're getting a workout.



 
 
What's fairway for the goose, is fairway for the gander!

Two guys were playing a round of golf. As they finished one hole and headed for the next, one of them realised he'd left his jacket back at the previous one.

"Hang on a sec", he said to his buddy, "I'll just run back and get it."

As he approached the previous hole, he noticed two women about to tee off. Suddenly he stopped, turned around, and headed back toward where his buddy was waiting.

"Holy Hell! That could have been awkward! That was my wife and mistress back there!"

"Good Lord!" says his buddy, "That could have ended badly! No problem, I'll run back and get it for you."

Like the first guy, he got half way to the previous tee, turned around, and headed back.

Reaching his buddy he looked somewhat flustered and said "Small world isn't it?"



This one is for my vegan friends.  You know who you are.  We know who you are.  You told us...






 A man orders a steak at a fancy restaurant. He soon sees the waiter approaching with the big juicy steak dinner plate.

As the waiter gets closer, the man notices the waiter has his thumb directly on top of the steak, squeezing it to the plate.

The man says to the waiter, "Hey man, would you mind taking your thumb off my steak??"
The waiter replies, "What, and drop it on the floor again?? Geez what a fool!"

What do you call a live-in nanny with breast implants? A faux pair.

Hey, I'm allowed and Mom was Italian.




A Russian spy, an American spy and an Italian spy

All three were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell.

The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair and started asking him questions about the nation's secrets, codes and plans.

The American spy refused, and when threatened with torture he spat on their face.

After 2 continuous hours of brutal torture the American finally gave up and gave them every thing he had.

They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country's confidential information. The russian refused.

After 5 continuous hours of goreish, sick and disturbing torture even the russian gave up and gave them every thing he had.

Then they moved onto the Italian, did the whole thing with him, he too remained quiet.

After 6 hours of bloody indescribable torture, the italian hadn't said a word.

Soon 8 hours passed and the italian was still quiet, the terrorists grew tired and told him they'd be back in some time and left the three to rot together.

The american then turned to the italian and asked him "Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?"

The russian too was very shocked, "Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!"

The italian, with tears rolling down his face replied

"I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied"

I noticed most musicians wear glasses. It's so they can C#

Ok so how about a little humor wrapped around a country stereotype.  I have a friend in Europe right now, and he's always talking about "The Angry German" in his Mercedes Benz especially when a fluid level is low.



 A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. 

Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a pastry, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."



And since that was short... here are two more short ones!




 A man wins a pig at a fair and the host congratulates him, then asks him if he has a barn to keep the pig.
"Nah", says the man "I'll just keep it in the bedroom."

The host is taken aback and asks "But what about the smell?"
"Well", says the man "that's something the pig's gotta get used to."









My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?

I said "Golf ball".

He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

What happened after the wheel was invented? A revolution. (That's one way to spin it.)

 A truck carrying a shipment of Worcestershire sauce was driving through Loughborough, when it ploughed head-on into a Lamborghini Murcielago.

The truck then swerved and crashed into a Hyundai, carrying refractive geo optical accoutrements, severely injuring two ophthalmologists seated inside. 

One practitioner, originally from Saskatchewan , already afflicted with strongyloidiasis, instantly suffered an onset of hypercholesterolemia.

A local man, Tarquin Cholmondeley-Featherstonehaugh who witnessed the scene, alerted the emergency services using his Xiaomi smartphone.

A police spokesman later said

“It’s really difficult to say what happened here”.

And since that was a bit weird and shortish...

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, 'You know, you could do better.'

'Thanks, Dad, that means a lot,' I replied.

He winked and said, 'I was talking to your girlfriend!'

What do you call an annoying chemist? A pain in the flask.

It's Saturday, at least I am sitting here writing it on one.  The weather is beautiful today so Summer has broken and we're in our Secret Season in Flaky South Florida. 

I'm about to go out and get dragged around town by Mr. Dog in the cool (75F) full sunshine before it starts getting warmer (85F) but before I go, have a trip on the Sesame Street Bus!






 The Sesame Street Bus

John was a semi-retired bus driver. His old employer would call him to fill in on days when too many folks called off. He and his wife Mary, who met at their mutual first job at McDonald's, were both retired.

One day, John gets a call from his old boss asking if he will come in and drive a route. He then asked, "Which route?" to which boss reluctantly said, "It's the Sesame Street Bus, John."

"Oh no! That route is full of weirdos!" John replied, but his boss was insistent and begged, eventually offering pay double. John, with his anniversary approaching thought about getting Mary the earrings she always wanted and VERY reluctantly agreed.

John dreaded the route, and true to form, the weirdness began at his first stop. Two women that could easily be on my 600lb life boarded, each saying, "Hi, I'm Patty," before taking a seat.

Later a man boards and says, "Hi John. Nice of you to help your old boss, and I agree that Mary will love the earrings." John, perplexed, replied, "Do I know you?" The man looked at him and said," No, but I'm 'Special Ross.' I have ESP." He paused and added, "Your singing voice will come in handy later." John shook his head and continued on the route.

Later, another man boarded with bare feet. He sat behind John and began digging into the bunions on his feet. The harsh aroma of limburger began to fill the air. John said, "What the Hell?" The man smiled and said, "I'm Lester Cheese, man!" John didn't want trouble so he finished off his route.

When he got home, Mary asked him about his day. He was about to recount it and instead chuckled, remembering what 'Special Ross' had said. He replied, "It reminded of our first job." To this, Mary asked, "How?"

John then sung, "Well, I had two obese Patties, Special Ross, and Lester Cheese, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus..."

I recently purchased a water bed. The wife's worried we'll drift apart

Since I know someone named Kevin, I can completely see him doing this.  On the other hand, he's like a border collie, and would have the office "tuned up" and running on a more normal basis than to allow this to happen.

Right, Kevin?




Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Have you heard the story about the fish who fell in love, lost its slipper, and escaped it's abusive home? It's called Salmonella

 It has been a while since I have gone to a proper restaurant.  I get most of my food here from a restaurant supply so what you pay a lot for, I get in bulk, and I guess I know the cook.

On the other hand, a seafood restaurant does sound nice...



A woman goes out to lunch and she wants to try this new seafood restaurant.

When she’s seated, she looks at the menu. There are tons of choices that all look delicious. But she really wants to try the clams.

So she orders the clams and the waitress comes back with a lightly fried Alaskan cod in the form of a really thin rectangle.

“Excuse me, miss. This isn’t what I ordered. I ordered the clams.”

The waitress profusely apologizes and takes the plate back to get the order corrected.

She comes back with another thin rectangle of fish, this time it’s halibut.

Again, she gets the waitress’ attention and wants it fixed.

And again, the waitress apologizes and brings back another plate. Once again, it’s not clams, but this time it’s fried Pollock.

This time, the woman is furious and demands to speak to the manager about this unsatisfactory service and how she’s wasted her time on this restaurant.

When the manager comes out, the woman lets her have it.

“I’ll have you know this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever been through. How hard is it to get one order right? I just want clams, but all I’ve been given was fish!”

The manager nods, apologizing. “I’m sorry ma’am. But have you tried the food given to you? Maybe you’d like it more than the clams.”

The woman sputters, indignant. “No I’m not going to try it! Why on earth would you think I would try food I didn’t want in the first place!?”

The woman storms out, slamming the doors behind her. The waitress looks at the manager.

“What do you suppose her problem was?”

“I don’t know. I guess not everyone is a fan of fish shticks.”

Why is it so hard to get up in the morning? Newton’s First Law: A body at rest will remain at rest.

Even athletes get that.  On the other hand, a morning moving is better than a morning sitting on the couch saying "Why didn't I go for a workout?"!




Hiking

A dad comes home and sees his son with an expensive cell phone. "Where did you get that ?" he asks . 
"I bought it" the son says. 
"With what? Where did you get the money?" 
"I earned it while hiking ". 
"Hiking, what are you talking about?". 
"Well ,every day after you leave for work, the nice man across the street comes over to see mom, gives me 20 dollars and says "take a hike "."



Since it was short, here's another one!  Kind of a theme today I guess.





A blonde entered a swimming competition and came in dead last. It was not even close, as all the other women swimmers had gotten out of the pool, toweled their bodies, and headed to the changing room.

Finally, the blonde emerged from the swimming pool, went up to the referee in a huff and loudly complained that all the other swimmers had cheated.

“How did they cheated?” Asked the referee.
“This is a breast stroke competition, right?” Said the blonde.
“Yes.” The referee replied.
Indignantly, the blonde shouted “they all used their arms!”

I added my grandmother to my speed dial...I named her Instagram

Nothing like playing around on so called Social Media an hour before dawn right?




Did you know that Shakespeare’s girlfriend made delicious dairy drinks to entice young men to act in his plays?

That’s right: her milkshake brought all the boys to the bard.





The train ride

A professor sits next to a farmer on a train. Quickly becoming bored, the professor decides to suggest a game to pass the time.

"I have a little game for you," said the professor. "I'll ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you give me €5. Then you ask me another question. If I don't know the answer, I'll give you €500. What do you think?"

The farmer, intrigued, nods and agrees.

The professor begins: "What is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

Without saying a word, the farmer takes €5 out of his pocket and hands it to the professor.

Now it's the farmer's turn. He thinks for a moment, then asks: "What animal climbs a mountain with three legs and comes back down with four legs?"

The professor was taken aback. He racked his brains, reviewed everything he knew, consulted his notes, and tried to find a logical explanation. But nothing worked. Finally, he gave up, took €500 out of his wallet, and gave it to the farmer.

The farmer takes the money with a satisfied smile and settles down comfortably for a nap.

But the professor, curious and unable to leave the question unanswered, wakes him up and insists: "So, what is this animal?"

Without saying a word, the farmer takes €5 out of his pocket, gives it to the professor, then goes back to sleep peacefully.

What do you call a typo on a gravestone? A grave mistake.

Something fishy in this trip if you ask me.


 The Fishing Trip

Henry called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and said, "Lorraine, honey, I'm flying up north with my boss and a few friends for a weekend fishing trip. Please pack me enough clothes for three days." Without giving her a chance to respond, he continued, "Also pack my fishing rod, tackle box, and my new blue silk pajamas. I'll stop by the house after work to pick everything up."

Lorraine thought the pajama request was a little strange, but she packed everything as asked. Henry stopped by for his stuff, kissed Lorraine and the kids goodbye, and took off.

After the weekend, Henry returned home. Lorraine asked him if he had caught many fish.

"Sure did!" he replied. “Lots of Walleye, a few Bass, and some Pike. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pajamas like I asked?"

Lorraine smiled and told him, “I did. They’re in your tackle box."



Furthermore...


 I went in the pet shop to buy a goldfish.

The owner said "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said "I don't care what star sign it is."

I now realize tofu is overrated. It's just a curd to me.

Actually I don't have a problem with Tofu.  It can be made into many things and since I like Chinese Food as we could get it in Philadelphia, I'm open to it.

On the other hand, it does taste like Wet White Bread to me so we have that. When I do find that recipe that promised to make Tofu into Ice Cream, Chocolate I think, I may attempt it.




Getting the day off

Two factory workers are talking on the floor.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man asks, "How will you do that?"

She climbs up and hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

She replies, "I am a light bulb."
"You are working too hard and you have gone crazy. Go home and take the day off.", the boss says.

The man is astonished, but after a few seconds starts walking away toward the door. "Where are you going?!", the boss shouts at him.

The man replies, "I am going home too. I cannot work in the dark."



And since I am due for Dog Walk 2 shortly, there is this gem...

My dog ate a bunch of my Scrabble tiles so I left him at the vets, knowing full well his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Why was the scarecrow good at lacrosse? He was outstanding in his field.

I have to say that I have no doubt that this sort of thing has happened before.  




 A man sat alone at an ultra exclusive restaurant with a three month waiting list

As the waiter stepped up filling his wine glass and to take his order, he smiled politely and asked, “What brings you in tonight? Special occasion?”

The man raised his wine glass toward the empty chair across from him and said, “It’s my beloved wife’s birthday.”

The waiter’s eyes softened with sympathy. “I am so terribly sorry for your loss, sir. The appetizers are on us tonight. May your memories of her be as warm as these appetizers.”

The man smiled warmly. “Thank you so much. I'll be sure to tell her when I get back home.”

The waiter confused “Wait... isn't she...?”

The man took a sip of his wine. “No, she's fine. We just couldn’t find a babysitter for tonight and I will take a Pan-Seared Foie Gras for that appetizer”

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

I will say listening to thunder passing just to the south of me, I'm glad that I can sit here and watch it happen from the easy chair.  

On that note though, I need a Frenchman's Breakfast because...



Why does a Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf






 A boy and red panties

A boy goes to the bank every day and deposits $100. One day, the bank manager notices and asks him: “Hey, why are you putting $100 in here every day?” 

The child replies: “Can we talk in your office?” 

The manager agrees, and they go to his office. The child then reveals: “Well, every day I make a bet with a new person that I can kiss my right eye.”

The manager laughs and says, “You really can’t do that!” The child grins and asks, “Want to bet?” The manager thinks he is being clever, agrees, and in the blink of an eye, the child pulls out his fake eye and kisses it. The manager feels a bit stupid and gives him $100, but wants it back.

The child says: “Okay, but here’s the catch: I bet you’re wearing red girl’s panties. If I’m wrong, I’ll give you your $100 back plus another $100.” The manager thinks he is too smart for this and agrees. 

The boy then adds: “But first, we need 10 witnesses to make it official.”

The manager gathers his team, and after taking off his pants, he feels quite proud that he has won $100. But then he notices the kid grinning. Confused, he asks: “Why are you happy now that you’ve lost your money?” 

The boy laughs and says: “Well, I had a bet with your team about how fast I could make you pull down your pants!”

I tried to organize a space party, but there wasn't enough atmosphere.

So having an old dog, I think this fits, perfectly, on a Sunday morning.  On the other hand, it's time to get out of here before the solar furnace turns South Florida into a Kiln.



 A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.

He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for has shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.

Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.

One night an old lion walks into the clearing a looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.

A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, "Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?"

The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, WHAT?

I have a statistics joke, but it is not significant.

Sunny day and the furnace of South Florida hasn't completely kicked in.  So get outside and get something done before weather interferes with your plans, no matter where you are or what the weather is.

My indoor task is baking bread.  At least that's it for the morning.  

How about you?



 I have begun telling people about the benefits of Grapes.
It's all about Raisin Awareness.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
The man says, “That's odd. I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

Another nurse goes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
The second man laughs and says, “That's weird. I work for the 3M company!”

A third nurse goes up the third man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!”
He says, “That's strange. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

As soon as he says that, the last man starts groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

The man says, “I work for 7Up.”