What do you call a bee after it had a few drinks? Buzzed

I have seen this told a number of times and it is a good retelling. Now, if you don't like bears or hunters, it's ok, you will be fine, nobody gets hurt.

A hunter is deep in the woods, stalking bears

When he comes across a giant grizzly drinking at a watering hole. The hunter takes aim and fires, but when the smoke clears the bear's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and finds the grizzly behind him.

"You tried to kill me," the grizzly says. "So you've got a choice - I either kill you right now, or you bend over, drop your trousers and let me have my way with you."

Not wanting to die, the hunter slowly drops his trousers and lets the bear get on with it.

The next day, still smarting after his humiliation, the hunter is back in the woods with a bigger gun. After a few hours, he comes across the same bear drinking at the same watering hole. Again, he takes aim and fires, but when the smoke clears the bear's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and finds the grizzly behind him.

"You tried to kill me again," the bear says. "So same choice - I either kill you right now, or you bend over, drop your trousers and let me have my way with you."

Humiliated for the second time and not wanting to die, the hunter again slowly drops his trousers and lets the bear get on with it.

Day three and the hunter is back again, this time with the biggest gun he could buy. Retracing his steps from before, he finds the same bear drinking at the same watering hole, takes aim and fires. There's an almighty explosion, a huge plume of smoke but again, when it all calms down the bear is nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly the hunter gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and sees the bear again. This time, the bear looks the hunter up and down for a moment and then says, "Look buddy, if you're not really here for the hunting, just say so."

Rack Decides That Tourists Are Fine But Homeless Need To Clear Out of Wilton Manors

 

I am up at Stupid O'Clock.

At this time of year a solid hour and a half before sunrise.  Probably more, it's not specifically important.

I do this so that I can get out and back unimpeded by what everyone calls "Life".  When I am going for a workout, it helps since I live in the furnace called South Florida.  I can get out and back before it is truly hot and people are scurrying for cover in the cool of their air conditioned home.

I'm benched, doctor's orders.  Sports injuries are a bit.. bear... bearish.  I'll leave that there.  But since I am benched, it does not mean that I will sit on the couch with my feet up and get fat.  I get out every morning before 6 and start on the 10,000 plus steps that everyone else is obsessing over.  Four or five walks, and you eventually get somewhere.

Everyone is still asleep except for leftover tourists.  "Hey, go home and do that, the bars are closed" I think as I see someone passing by for the third time in their out of state plated car.

This includes the wildlife.  Ignoring the stray cats that people mistakenly consider "outdoor pets", I see quite a few different creatures out there.  Some don't like that I am coming by with an elderly companion, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) and I hear rustling in the brush.

Rack has selective hearing at this point in his life.  I am never quite sure if he hears what I have to say, and I say a lot to him.  He's not hearing that rustling nor is he hearing that tourist approaching for the FOURTH TIME! 

"Damnit go back to Ohio!" I grumble.

Rack doesn't care.  He's happy because he's out with his people, me.  It is a bit much of a walk for him, by the evening he is pulling me away from certain areas because he's had enough.

In this case there's a parking lot.  It's quite dark in the predawn hours.  I make it a point to tread lightly.  Since Fort Lauderdale has passed an ordinance criminalizing sleeping outdoors and basically being homeless, I have noticed an uptick of random people coming through here.  An encampment is beginning to happen in front of "The Shoppes" which are so close to my house that I can see a back wall through the trees.

I'm walking Rack who is a dog who has always enjoyed meeting people and plodding along.  After all I have not had my first mug of coffee.

Rack blocks my way and stops me.  I look at him and then ahead.  One of the people at the encampment is getting a bit too close for comfort.  Rack begins to grumble, first quietly, then rather noticeably.

"I guess not!" I hear the denizen say.
"He's not feeling social this morning.  Good bye!" and I make an excuse to keep going.

I round the last corner near the house and mutter "How about that, after all these years, I have a protector."  They don't know he doesn't have all his teeth and never has.  He looks back at me and smiles.  I guess he has heard that one.

Now that the Nighttime Visitors have all disappeared, and the sun is up, it's time to out and do the second mile.  Rack is looking forward to greeting some people.  The Iguanas and stray cats can go get lost.

Why did the cat stop moving? Because it was on pause.

We could use them today.  What I call First Winter has hit here in SoFlo.  The temp won't crack 70F or 21C today.  Brilliant sunshine, low humidity.  It feels like San Diego out there!

Did you try turning Florida off and on again?  Our state government surely could use it!



  An Engineer in Hell

An engineer died and was accidentally sent to hell instead of heaven.

He got to work and fixed the A/C and things cooled down quickly.

The moving walkway motor was jammed so he unjammed it.

The TV was grainy and unclear. He repaired the connection to the satellite dish and now pulled in hundreds of high def channels.

One day God decided to look down on Hell to see how his grand design as working out and noticed everyone was happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He phoned Satan and said, “What the hell’s going on in Hell?”

Satan replied, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What? An engineer? I never would have sent you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute,” demanded God.

"No way!” Satan snorted. “We’re going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

“If you don't send him to me immediately I'll sue!" God shouted.

The devil laughed long and heartily and then said, “Really? Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Why can't you outrun a tomato? Because they always ketchup!

 Ok, this did actually give me a mild chuckle this morning.  After having walked 2 and a half miles, in what passes for cold here in South Florida Winter, Why not?


What is the (literal) oldest joke you know?

Mine is this, which is from Ancient Greece:

A man is feeling unwell, so he goes to the doctor. Doctor tells him “You have to stop drinking wine. If you have even one more glass, it will kill you.”

A few days later, the doctor happens to be walking past a tavern when he sees his patient through the window, drinking wine.

The patient catches the doctor’s eye at the same time. He chugs his glass, then rushes up the stairs to the top of the building. He hurls himself off the roof, breaking his neck.

The doctor rushes over. “Why the hell did you do that?” The patient smiles weakly and says “Well doctor, you have to admit it wasn’t drinking wine that killed me.”

How To Turn Off Smooth Scroll in Firefox and LibreWolf

Get me annoyed.  When I am annoyed I will fix things.

Facebook (Yes, I know social media is utter garbage) forced smooth scrolling one day.  I don't know if it was permanent because I removed it.

I Fixed It. 

This is not perfect.  If you have a private chat sub-window open and page up in the main one it will smooth scroll until you click the main page.  Clear as mud?

I use Firefox and Librewolf.   Librewolf is "said" to be better contained than most for keeping spy sites, ads, and Trojans contained and since it is derived from Firefox I use it for Facebook and other "snoopy" websites, and surf the web with a separate Firefox instance. 

Want more security?  Get Linux.

Smooth Scrolling is something I have always found awful.  I turn it off in preferences everywhere, including on dumb terminals and of course Firefox.  Unfortunately Facebook forced it "on".
`
This is how to force your browser to turn Smooth Scroll Off.

Standard Internet Warranty applies - Follow these instructions at your own risk.  Ramblingmoose is not responsible if you fat finger your browser and everything comes up in Sanskrit.  Work slowly and carefully.

Start Firefox or your favorite derivative and follow the steps:

Step 1.  Ctrl+T to start a new tab.

Step 2.  Surf to about:config and accept any warnings about causing damage to your browser.

Step 3. enter in "smoothscroll" in the search bar, unclick the button that says "Show only modified preferences" then hit enter.

Step 4: Change every entry from "true" to "false" as you prefer.  The more that you change over, the less you will experience SmoothScrolling.

Step 5:  Close the About:Config tab. 

That's pretty much it, happy surfing. 

Now... don't get me started on this nonsense about one or two spaces between sentences.  I use two because I use two.  It makes it easier to read and I don't want some software developer in another country insisting that I need to get with the times.

Besides going between Proportional and Monospaced (Fixed Width) Fonts frequently will make your eyes cross.

Get off my lawn.

How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.

Don't you love it when two people are speaking the same language but doing so from completely different angles.   Confusion is fun!



The General and the young lady

Gray-haired Army general walked into a hotel bar and sat down next to a young attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she liked a man in uniform, so she said, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general replied, “I’m flattered, but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She said, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?” “Oh,” said the general. “It was probably around 1950.” “Oh my gosh!” said the woman. “Well, I’m sure it will all come back to you.”

So they ended up in bed and it was pretty wild. The general really had some skills.

When it was all over she said “General, that was wonderful! I’m impressed that you haven’t forgotten a thing since 1950!”

“Well I should hope not,” he replied. “It’s only 2130 now.”

I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

 Truth be told, I tell a lot of dad jokes without realizing it.

Anyway!




A 17 year old Pizza Hut worker parks a stunning Porsche in front of his house...

“Where did you get that car?” his parents exclaim in shock.

“I bought it today,” the teen responds calmly.

“With what money?” his mother demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs, and there’s no way you could afford it!”

“Well, it’s used, and I got a great deal,” the boy explains. “I only paid 20 dollars for it.”

“Who would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The lady up the street,” the boy replies. “She’s new in town. I delivered a pizza to her, and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

His parents rush over to the neighbor’s house, eager to get to the bottom of this. They find her calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the boy you just sold a Porsche to for 20 dollars,” the dad says, demanding an explanation. “Why would you sell it for so little?”

The woman, without looking up from her gardening, responds, “This morning, I got a call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t plan on coming back.”

“But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for 20 dollars?” the mother asks, confused.

The neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and then says, “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Rack the McNab SuperDog Going Deaf Means Entertaining Changes and Opportunities

Ok, so he's old.  13 is old for a dog.  McNabs will normally get around 16 so we should have a few more years left in him.

But yes, he is starting to slow down, show his age.  Aren't we all?

I am finding that while he's older, there are things I can get away with that I could not before.

First of all, he seems to be past that cancer scare we had about a year back.  Whew, right?  I am watching every move, every misstep. 

He is a herding dog after all, living in an urban environment.  If you have one, and you are not taking your dog for very long walks, you are doing them and yourself a disservice.

When I got Lettie, my prior Herding SuperDog, I immediately lost 5 pounds.  She demanded walks, and she would get them.  I was already walking all over Center City Philadelphia to and from trains so the extra four walks a day she would get just put the icing on the cake.

Yes, your herding dog needs four walks a day and I bet I could say that about any other breed of dog.

If you have someone telling you that your high drive dog does not belong in your suburban home, and you are sitting on the couch every day, you probably do need one.  In other words, Get Up And Do Something For Crying Out Loud!

Rack, and Lettie before him both, had the benefit of where I lived.   I am extremely active and I think nothing of walking four miles a day through the business districts I prefer to live near.

There is a good reason for that.  Mental Stimulation.  Think of it as Dog Enrichment.  Seriously.  He shows his preferences for where to go on one of these stupidly long walks I take him on.  Through the parking lots to visit people sitting at the bar near the house.  Greeting people.  Getting attention.

I always leave extra time for us to get around at the 5pm walk because he drags me through the bar if he has a choice just to meet up with people.  I'm nervous because bars mean alcohol but so far his winning smile has saved him.

Mental Stimulation is the key to keeping any dog, especially a high drive herding dog.

Sure I repeat myself but you get what you pay for.  Since there isn't a tip jar here, I'll move on.

Second, our boy is losing his hearing.  As in not quite deaf as a post but he is near that fence line.

Oh sure, I can still get his attention.  High Pitched Noises he can hear.  So me, all 6'4"/193CM and 190 Pounds/85KG of me making Mickey Mouse sounds is not generally going to happen but a high pitched "BIP!" will bring him around.

But what I am finding is a relief.  I am usually pressed for time.  Who isn't these days.  Rack's normal activity was to be let out of the back door and wander around.  He would watch me and if I went into the house, he'd stop what he was doing and come in.

Useful, but having that shadow behavior is a little counter productive.   I can't have your food in the bowl if you are stressed about getting out to water my hibiscus hedge, can I?

Different now.  He can't hear me go back into the house so I sneak in, replace water and food, and go about my own business. 

After all, he got to water the hibiscus, I need to as well.

I am finding it easier to get him into the yard and let him do his thing, even if he prefers me outside with him.

Third, it means for a quieter house.  No extreme barking at the door because the neighborhood stray cat has been heard.  The delivery truck isn't quite so annoying if you can't hear it.  Right now, he's laying at the door.  Snoring.  I have been able to go to and from the kitchen, grab snacks, coffee, and set things up on the table with him never rousing.

I could get used to this even if I do look ridiculous talking like Mickey Mouse.

Well he can't hear that anyway, can he. 

Most likely not.  When I talk to him and he did have hearing, he would wag his tail.  Now I suspect he sees me move my mouth and he's hearing Tinnitus.

There are good hearing days and bad ones.  This is a bad one.   The bells on the clocks are going off and he snored right through them.

I'll allow that.  It's allowing me to get my own things done.  Better than being summoned to the back door because he's ringing the bells I have tied on there for just that purpose.  I am able to take the camera out and squeeze off a few pictures without him knowing I am anywhere near.

It's all about going with the flow.  Sure, he's hard of hearing.  He may be deaf as a post.  But he's my shadow.  We're in the Bonus Years and I will look forward to riding this wave as long as I can.

For now, he's letting things happen.  The minute I get out of this chair, he'll be up and asking for that hibiscus again.

Oh wait... there we go.  At the door!

What's the worst part about eating military officers? The unpopped Colonels.

Somehow I can completely see this happening!  I see way too many tourists here in south Florida.

A gorgeous, long-legged blonde boards a flight for Toronto and takes her economy-class seat, where she remains until after the aircraft is airborne.

Once the flight has reached altitude, she gets up, walks to first class and takes an empty seat. The flight attendant sees this and approaches her, explaining to her politely that First Class seats cost more money and she is not authorized to be there.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

After repeated attempts to reason with her, the attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the flight crew, “We have a problem in first class,” explains, and says, “I can’t get her to move.”

The first officer says, “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

He goes back, introduces himself, and explains to her once again that she has not paid for the seat she is in, so must move back to her own seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

When further discussion gets him nowhere, he goes back to the cockpit and says, “She’s a tough one. I guess the only thing we can do is call the police when we get there and have her arrested.”

The pilot says, “Nah, I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back, introduces himself and politely explains the situation once again.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

He then leans down and whispers something in her ear. Her eyes open wide, her jaw drops a little, then she says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know;” gets up and returns to her seat in economy.

When the pilot returns, the others are dumbfounded.

“What did you do to get her to move?”

“Easy enough. I just explained to her that First Class doesn’t go to Toronto.”

A friend just died of shellack poisoning. It’s o.k. he had a nice finish.

Been here, solved it this way more than once.



Two men stood in the middle of a field, staring at the stubborn fence post that needed to be driven into the ground.

The brainy guy, always one to overanalyze, began listing everything they had to do. “First, we’ll need to construct a blacksmith building to forge our tools. That means sourcing raw materials like iron ore and charcoal. Then, we’ll have to build a furnace to heat the ore until it’s malleable. After that, we’ll need to create an anvil, which requires us to find a suitable block of metal and shape it properly. Once we have the anvil, we’ll need to design and build a sledgehammer, which involves cutting and shaping wood for the handle and forging the hammerhead itself. And don’t forget, we’ll also need to build a proper workspace to house all these tools!”

He continued, growing more animated as he spoke, “Once we have our sledgehammer, we can finally drive the fence post into the ground. But wait, we should probably think about the best technique to use to ensure we don’t split the post. Should we measure the depth first? We might also need to stake out the area to make sure the post is perfectly aligned. And, of course, we’ll need safety goggles—can’t forget about safety! This whole process could take days, if not weeks, before we can even think about getting that post in the ground.”

As he finished his elaborate plan, the other man stood quietly, looking around. With a bemused expression, he pointed to a large rock sitting nearby and said, “Why don’t we just use that big rock?”

Honey Cinnamon Granola Recipe - Three Ingredients Plus Add-Ins

I found that I was munching a bag of Granola and thought "How hard can this be?"

The Answer is Not Very!

The ingredients were simple, and that was what I wanted.   If you want something more "commercial" and "complex" consider the add-ins at the end.  I purposely kept this as healthy and simple as possible.

This makes a little more than a cup and a half of Honey Cinnamon Granola as is.  Adding in raisins, nuts, or chocolate chips will bulk it up but will also add calories.  Without Add Ins, the entire recipe comes in at 580 calories (give or take).

You decide, that's the deal with Granola.

And... Holy Cow! this was good on top of Cottage Cheese and Homemade Mango Jelly for breakfast!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cup Old Fashioned Rolled Oats
• 1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla Extract
• 2 Tablespoons Honey

Add Ins (Optional):

• 2 Tablespoons Raisins (Optional)
• 2 Tablespoons Chocolate Chips (Optional)
• 2 Tablespoons Nuts (Optional)

Process:

• Preheat Oven to 325F.
• To Mixing Bowl, add Oats, Cinnamon, Vanilla Extract, and Honey.
• Mix all ingredients until even.
• Add-ins may be folded in at this time excluding chocolate.
• Pour Oat Mixture on top of Lined Cookie Sheet.  (I used Parchment paper)
• Bake Oat Mixture for 10 minutes.
• Stir the Oat Mixture on the cookie sheet and return to oven.
• Bake Oat Mixture for 5 to 10 minutes until toasted to taste.
• Remove Cookie Sheet and scatter Chocolate Chips if desired.
• Allow to cool and enjoy.

What does a houses wear to a party? Address

 Blah Blah Blah Time To Set The Clocks Back An Hour Blah Blah Blah.

Mom once had a Lincoln Continental.  At least I remember it as such.  She loved that car but it had a clock that was never correct.  Early days of automotive electronics were a royal pain to figure out how to set a clock.

In fact, my own Jeep with the $18 car radio is waiting.

But for now...





The true art of being a husband

One day, a friend invites his best buddy over for lunch. The friend’s wife, being the amazing cook she is, prepares an absolutely sumptuous meal. It’s a feast fit for royalty, and everything from the appetizers to the dessert is cooked to perfection.

As they’re enjoying the meal, the best friend can’t help but notice something curious. Throughout the entire lunch, the host is constantly showering his wife with affectionate nicknames. “Oh, my sweetie, could you pass the salt?” “Darling, this dessert is incredible!” “Honey, you’ve outdone yourself with this meal!”

The best friend watches in awe as the host continues to dote on his wife with these loving terms, with a sense of admiration and affection. It’s all very touching and heartwarming.

After the meal, as they’re sitting back and relaxing, the best friend finally turns to his host and says, “You know, I have to say, I’m really impressed. You clearly love your wife so much. You’re always interacting with her so lovingly. It’s really beautiful to see.”

To this he replied,” you idiot what non sense are you talking,I forgot her name two years ago!”

Imagine the look on the best friend’s face.

How does a penguin make pancakes? With its flippers!

I swear my entire town is a dog park. 

I go for walks with the dog and it takes a half hour to do a mile.  If I don't have the dog with me, I'm asked where he is before someone asks how I am doing.




 One day at the dog park…

One day at the dog park, Sally and Larry walk in with their owner. Sadly, Sally had to be sterilized recently, so she hasn’t been to the park in a while during her recovery. All the other dogs are excited to see her, though, and they’re all asking how and where Sally’s been.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” says Sally.

“We heard that you went to the vet,” one of the dogs says.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” says Sally.

“Your brother Larry says—“ begins one of the dogs, but Sally cuts him off. She shoots a deadly glare at Larry. “Larry, what did you tell them?” asks Sally.

All eyes turn to Larry, who says, “Oh come on, Sally, we shouldn’t have to ignore the elephant in the room. Let’s just call a spayed a spayed!”