Sunday, July 30, 2017

A Farmer Meets With The Banker Annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had a wooden leg. If you didn't know any better you would think the pig was a dog, would help the old farmer out of his truck, hold the spring gate open for him, just a wonderful pig.

As the farmer explains his planting strategy, watering plans, etc, the banker gets ever more curious about the pig and it's wooden leg, and decides to asks about the pig.

The farmer explains, "This pig?! Oh, this is a wonderful pig, early this spring, the chickens were awoken by a fox in the middle of the night, and the pig stormed in there and chased off the fox, such a wonderful pig."

Mid-way through the season, the banker's curiosity gets the best of him and decides to do a wellness check on the farmer and as he pulled up, noticed the pig had two wooden legs.

The farmer instantly explains about forecasts and how he wouldn't have any trouble paying his loan in full, but the banker isn't interested, and asks again about the pig.

"Oh this pig?!", exclaims the farmer, "such a wonderful pig. Just last week, it saved my life. I fell in the kitchen, and he ran 5 miles to the neighbors to get help, just such a wonderful pig".

Normally, the bank only meets with the farmer annually, but had to know the story with the pig and two wooden legs, he makes up another story to check in on the farmer after harvest time. Upon arrival, notices the same pig, this time with three wooden legs.

He meets the farmer at the gate with his pet pig, and the farmer is confused why the banker is there. The debts are paid up, but the Banker explains, "Sorry to drop in on you, but before I forget, why does your pet pig have three wooden legs?"

The farmer asks, "If you had such a wonderful pig, would you eat him all at once?"

Saturday, July 29, 2017

What App Do Ghosts Use to Listen to Music? Spookify

The phone rings at FBI headquarters

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to climb the ladder.
One to shake the ladder.
And one to sue the ladder company.

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts shadow boxing.

The barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink
After the man finishes his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again.

The man finishes the drink and asks for another one and starts shadow boxing again,

The barman, curious asks the man "When is the big fight?"

The man says: Whenever you want because i don't have any money

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

How to get Tap To Click back on your Debian 9 XFCE Linux install

We are at an early point in Debian 9, and therefore many of the "downstream" distributions in Linux-Land these days.

Debian just made Debian 9, Stretch, the Stable version.  It also came out with an upgrade to 9.1 a couple days ago.

Since my own laptop was a Debian 9.0 install, I had a problem.  The track pad no longer did a "tap to click".  It was there in the earlier versions, and removed in a Debian 9.0 install.  They migrated to libinst.  It promises to be new and shiny and do many new things but most of these things are in the future - or so my lack of Tap To Click would show.

I don't use many of the more complex mouse options with my laptop.  It's a non touch screen, Lenovo Thinkpad T530.  I heavily use Tap to Click so I want it back.  My other laptop, a Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga S1 had the same problem.  After a lot of research, this was shown to be a design decision.  Debian is my go-to operating system distribution due to the absolute depth of software and documentation out there.

So I set about to "fix it".

DISCLAIMER:  I was able to do so on two computers but with some thrashing around.  I will give here the information that I have, but that thrash may make it less solid than my usual "cook book recipe" guarantee of any technical articles that I write.

Give it a shot.  If it works, let me know if you did anything different and I'll mention it here.

Background - the documentation for Debian 9, Stretch, is still incomplete.  The files that I created had to be placed in Xsession.d and the directories that Debian gave were either missing or empty for me.  What they have is correct for the earlier versions and the docs need to be proofread.

Or I went crosseyed and got the wrong damn directory...

Since this blog is a place I put documentation for my own uses (Linux as well as recipes and photography), I'll put it here.  I'd rather not have the heat of an official inquiry on me since I live in Florida and it is quite hot enough as it is.

First:  Create a 50-synaptic.conf - the file should probably not be there on a "clean install"
1) edit /etc/X11/Xsession.d/50-synaptics.conf
2) at the top merge (Copy and Paste) in the following lines:

Section "InputClass"
        Identifier "touchpad catchall"
        Driver "synaptics"
        MatchIsTouchpad "on"
MatchDevicePath "/dev/input/event*"
        Option "TapButton1" "1"
        Option "TapButton2" "2"
        Option "TapButton3" "3"
# This option is recommend on all Linux systems using evdev, but cannot be
# enabled by default. See the following link for details:
#       MatchDevicePath "/dev/input/event*"

Second, copy that file to /usr/share/X11/xorg.conf.d/50-synaptics.conf 

Third open terminal and sign into root to install a package:
apt install xserver-xorg-input-synaptics

Fourth: reboot.

On return, you should have tap to click working.  Entering "synclient TapButton1=1" on a command line should give you information for further research.

You may diagnose what the touchpad is doing by running as root "synclient".

Entering "synclient TapButton1=1" on a command line should give you information for further research.

Further options such as multitouch, double finger tap for scrolling, and coast speeds and so forth are described in detail in the Debian Wiki Synaptics touch pad page at

Sunday, July 23, 2017

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A science teacher tells his class
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

A teacher sent kids home with an assignment to find something that teaches a life lesson.

The next day Mary goes first and says "our chickens laid eight eggs so I thought we'd have 8 chicks, but only 5 hatched"

Teacher asks "what was the lesson?"
Mary says "don't count your chickens before they hatch".

Then it's Bobby's turn "my uncle was a Marine pilot in Vietnam. He was shot down and as he parachuted down he takes his 'inventory'. He has a gun with 7 shots, a fifth of whiskey, and a knife. There are 100 men waiting for him on the ground. He drinks the whiskey on the way down and when he lands he kills 7 with the gun and the rest with his knife."
Horrified the teacher asks "what's the lesson here!?"

Bobby replies "don't mess with my uncle when he's drunk"

3 old guys were talking about their health problems

Old guy 1: I'm 75 and every morning at 7 i wake up but i just can't pee. I'm too old and something is restricting it i don't know.
Old guy 2: Ohh thats nothing, I'm 85 and everytime I wake up at 8 I just can't poo. I feel so bloated all day.
Old guy 3: I'm 96. I don't know about you, but at 7 i pee , at 8 i poo and at 9 I wake up

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.

The housemaid has some bad and good news.

A housemaid calls her boss and says "I've got some good and bad news"
"Well give me the bad news first"
"Your dog died"
"My dog died! When did that happen?"
"After the horse kicked it"
"Well why in the world did the horse kick it?"
"Because the stables were on fire"
"The stables were on fire! I just feckin built them!"
"Well the flames managed to spread from the house somehow..."
"The house! The house caught fire? How the hell did that happen?"
"A candle fell off of your dad's coffin"
"My dad died? When did THAT happen?"
"Soon after your mothers funeral I believe"
"My mother died too? How has such tragedy struck me on my holiday to Spain? Well damn you woman! What's the good news?"
"Well, the heat from the flames brought the dandelions up high before the spring!"

A woman found a little boy crying on the street.
She asked him: "Why are you crying, boy?"
He answered: "A classmate of mine threw my sandwich away!"
"On purpose?" The woman asked.
"No," he responded, "on the ground!"

What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?
A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

What do you call a fart in a funeral? Rip in peace.

I asked my friend, "if you had to get rid of one body part what would it be?"
He said, "My spine, it holds me back."
"Or I'd get rid of my legs, because it stood me up."

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.
"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too powerful and she drifts away to her death.
"I want a motorboat." Announces the second blonde. However, it had no fuel. Off she goes to die.
"I want black hair." Says the third one, and then she crosses the bridge.

I'm going to steal a news van.
It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar?
Because crabs only walk sideways.

How to install a southern home security system

    Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
    Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
    Leave a note on the door that reads:


Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.


I absolutely love the earth's rotation...
it really makes my day.

My friend, Boo, died on July 4th.

Sam, affectionately nicknamed "Boo", died in a motorcycle incident this week. It was July 4th, and there was some drinking involved, hence the crash.

Just goes to show you guys, Boos and motorcycles don't mix.

A hamburger walks into a bar
The bartender stares him down, and says "We don't serve food here!

Why did the octopus cross the reef?
To get to the other tide.

What type of currency do people use in space?

After all these years of marriage, my wife is still hot
However now it comes in flashes.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Using a Manifest To Recreate Your Linux System Selectively

Last week, I had finally had enough of not being able to hibernate my computer.  There was enough "chaff' and weird things happening.

I did realize that I could create a list of everything I had, and then get Linux to import that list and reinstall all my programs.

That would be my Manifest.

I did it knowing that I could be reintroducing the problem that I created with the old system.

I was right.  So I did it over, selectively.

And it worked.  Hibernate and video crashes were problems, and after 17 consecutive hibernate cycles over two days of active use, I'd say I am done.

This was a whole lot simpler.  You see, this scary Manifest thing is nothing more than a text file that is generated within "Synaptic" that contains all the markings of the programs that I installed over the 7 years that I had that Linux install.

I went through that file and deleted everything that I did not expressly know what that particular program was, or anything I knew I did not want.

Easy except the file was in chronological order or ... well, lets just pretend it was and leave it at that.  Basically it can be sorted in alphabetical program order simply.

One line in Terminal, just like everything in Linux, would solve it.

Assuming the Manifest is called /home/bill/Desktop/Manifest.txt

In Terminal, issue this command string on one line:

cat /home/bill/Desktop/Manifest.txt | sort > /home/bill/Desktop/SortedManifest.txt

Now you're in alpha order, and it makes it easier.

I did delete anything that started "lib" as well as KDE, gnome, and mate since I strongly prefer XFCE to all of those.  My choice, no big deal

I simply edited the file in Mousepad, and deleted all things I did not want.

If you want the long form description of all of this, Last Week's Post is at this link.  However the short form is here:

1) on original install create a Manifest within Synaptic Package Manager.
    a) open synaptic
    b) Select File, Save Markings As
    c) navigate to the place you want to store this file, and give it a name.
    d) Tick the box "Save full state, not only changes"
    e) Click Save.

2) Verify that your manifest is on removeable media.

3)  Remove any unwanted programs from the Manifest

4) save your important files from the operating system on removable media
    the Manifest file

5) Install a fresh copy of your Debian Based operating system on the destination computer.
    Debian, *Ubuntu, Linux Mint, whatever...

6) Get the destination computer "up to date" and stable.

7) compare and manually update your /etc/apt/sources.list file from the original computer
    copy the installed version to a save file
    I copied my own from the original computer in its place and updated
    then you will need to update the PGP keys for one or more added such as

8) install the manifest by
    a) open synaptic
    b) Select File, Read Markings
    c) find and open the manifest.txt file
    d) click open
    e) verify needed markings have been imported into Synaptic, and click Apply.
    f) there will be additional libraries incorporated into your install list due to any new dependencies.

8) you're done.  Verify everything is OK.  Live with it for a while.

You will want to add in programs like libdvdcss to allow DVDs to play, Samba to share files, but these things will need to be done individually.

9) File Sharing.  I used the Debian Wiki entry at
    a) apt install samba samba-client
    b) edit /etc/samba/smb.conf  - or put the one in from the old computer assuming you had it working.
    c) add your samba users:  smbpasswd -a USERNAME
        replace USERNAME with the correct name, and it will ask you for the password
    d) restart Samba:
    # /etc/init.d/samba restart
    or, if you are using systemd 
    # /usr/sbin/service smbd restart

Sunday, July 16, 2017

The Zombie Bunny of Doom!

The Zombie Bunny of Doom!

I walked out into my yard to find my dog tearing up the lawn with a bunny in its mouth. This was a very unusual sight because my dog always chased bunnies but never caught them. I took a closer look and realized in horror that the bunny belonged to my neighbors.

My family had had some “issues” with these people in the past, and I did not want to deal with another confrontation. I knew what I had to do, and it was not going to be pleasant.

I forced my dog to drop the bunny, which by now was covered in doggy slobber, mud, and dried blood. Using a pair of kitchen tongs, I threw it into the shower. I let water run over it until the water was a pure white, and I got my mom’s hair dryer and fluffed it up until this bunny looked good.

Once my neighbors left to get the mail, I saw my opportunity. I hopped their fence and set up the fluffy, dead bunny in its cage looking better than it ever had been. When I heard my neighbors coming, I scrambled back over the fence.

Not two seconds later, I heard a blood curdling scream from the neighbors’ house. Acting like a good neighbor, I rushed to the fence and said, “What happened, what happened?”

The neighbor looks at me, her face ghost-white, and says, “Two weeks ago, the bunny died, and he’s back!!!”

Saturday, July 15, 2017

The Value of a Mule

A used car salesman retired and moved to the country. He bought a yearling stallion and a couple mares.

He thought his pastoral life was pretty sweet, until the stallion started misbehaving.

So, he asked his neighbor down the road what to do.

"You need a mule." the old farmer said.

"Will that help?" the salesman asked. "Absolutely. The only thing more pig-headed than a young stallion is a mule. He'll have that horse playing second fiddle in no time."

"Well do you have a mule I could buy?"

"Sure do. I'll sell you Murphy, he's a great mule, and i'll only charge you $100."
The salesman thought that was a great deal, and handed the farmer the $100 straight away.

Later that week, he came by to pick up the mule.

"I'm here to pick up Murphy!" the salesman announced. "You know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news," the farmer said, "but Murphy died two nights ago.

"Well, can I have my $100 back then?"
"No, I spent it already, I can pay you back, it'll just be a while."

"Never mind that, I'll just take the dead mule."
"What do you want with a dead mule?"

"Does it matter? I'm paying you $100 for a dead mule."
The farmer shrugged, and figured if this guy wants to buy a dead mule, that's on him. So he helped load it up.

Several weeks later, the farmer met the salesman in passing, and just could not help but ask him about the mule.

"How did you ever come out on that dead mule?"
"Great. I made $98 profit on that mule."
The farmer couldn't believe it.

"How did you get someone to pay $198 for a dead mule?"
"I didn't. I had a raffle, and the winner got the mule. I sold 100 tickets at $2 apiece."

"But wasn't the winner upset when he found out the mule was dead?"
"Of course he was." said the salesman. "So I gave him his $2 back.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Migrating To A New Linux Computer With A Manifest

With Windows, you buy a new machine.  You copy a few things off the old one that you know are most important.  You make a token effort to re-create your old environment.  Then something Microsoft did gets in the way or you can't find your original discs and you just keep it in the closet because you are afraid you will have lost all your data.  Because that's what your buddy did down the block.

I've been told anyway.  I've also been told that most people have spare Windows computers that are taking up space.

Mac people can use a backup from Time Machine.  I've actually done that, and it is pretty slick.

I ran into a very different problem  My backups were perfect clones of the original.  But my original was "broke".

Note:  This migration process is SO very easy that it takes about a half hour of actual hands on keyboard "work" and about 3 hours of processing time.  I have done this a couple times in a short span of time and am now getting "Creative" with the process.


Once upon a time, I installed Linux, and it was good...

Actually I installed Debian.  I figured that if there are so very many distributions of Linux that were forked from Debian, that Debian itself was safest.

I think I was right, no proof, just my opinion.  I have done my distribution hopping and had a machine in 1995 that was still being used in 2010 with CentOS 4.  Still stable, I just had much better hardware by then than my old Panasonic Omnibook with a Pentium 3 chip in it.  Yes, a 15 year long stretch with a computer is a long time, and I was the third owner of the machine.  It was my "pet"

I ran Debian 7 along side my Windows machines, and slowly found myself using Linux more than Windows.  I still use windows today, Windows 8.1 specificially, and I have an XP virtual machine With The Embedded Patch so I can get windows updates, but I don’t think I have run that within a month.

The only thing I use Windows for now is Photoshop, and really there are Linux programs like Gimp and Inkscape that will do what I need.

My original install was in my Dell.  Seven years ago in 2010.  First generation i7.  Dell Precision M4500. Blasted thing was built like a tank.  It loved, and once again loves, Linux.  I lived there for a year or more.  Then I was given upgrades, a couple times.  The original install went from machine 1 through 4.  Along the way Debian got upgraded to Debian 8, then recently 9 although I joined 9 back when it was “Testing”.

You see with Linux, you can clone the hard drive, take the clone, plug it into a new machine, and it just may work.  All you need is a USB caddy for the destination drive and as long as your drive names line up it works.  dd if=/dev/sda of=/dev/sdb bs=4M conv=noerror,sync

For the most part it did but there were weird video affects and strange hibernate and resume problems. This cropped up as a result of taking machine 1's operating system and making it stable in machine 2 and 3 and later 4.

The actual process:

So here I am, creating from scratch Son Of Original Install. Debian 9 with XFCE4.  Oh, and a lot of extra "baggage" that I don't need but it is easier that way.

I decided that I would create a list of programs that I could reinstall on the New Machine and see how it works.  Also this is done with me in XFCE4.  We Linux People are if nothing else, flexible.  If it is not where I said it is, poke around a bit.

Step 1.  New Machine, is a Thinkpad T530, and gets a clean "Bare Metal" install of Debian 9. I ended up doing it a couple times, and so far the only weirdness is that it insists that I do “sudo su” if I want my terminal session to be and remain root.  They also renamed the network devices that have been used for decades.  So when I get to the network tweaks that I will have to do, I may have to edit a configuration file. Most likely samba.conf.

         Success.  I’m typing this from that machine now.

Step 2.  Create Manifest and install it from Synaptic. (Menu, System, Synaptic)

Step 2a.  On Original, open Synaptic.  After giving it the password for Root create a manifest by clicking “File, Save Markings As” and ticking a box at the bottom of the window that says “Save full state, not only changes”. 

Synaptic created the file with everything and in next step, it will place everything where I need it.  Yes, it will add a lot of software I don’t really need, but with Synaptic and Linux, I can purge all that stuff with a simple “apt purge” and it will remove it all, completely.  Put it on a chip or USB stick and place it on the new machine.

You can edit the file and delete anything out that you know won't be needed, but you will have to trust Synaptic to realize what you're trying to do.  Best if you did the removal in the next step.

Step 2b.  On New install on the new machine, open Synaptic and select “File, Read Markings”.  Tell it where that file is.  It will read it in and select all your “markings” from the manifest and instruct Synaptic to later install.

I did that in bed.  It was 8GB worth of upgrades on a replacement for my old 7 year lived in install.

Here is where I am second guessing and should have removed the other programs and window managers that I don't use.  I like XFCE4, it's light, fast, and configurable.  Others prefer KDE or Gnome.  I have them all installed.  Why not, it's a seven year old install.  If you remove it before telling Synaptic to update, Synaptic will get rid of the chaff along with it.  I didn't want to, I wanted "What I Had On The Old Install". 

Step 3.  Bring over my home directory.  I cloned the Original install on a backup drive.  I took that drive and plugged it into an external case.  Plugged that into the USB port. It is copying. 

Step 4.  Live with it.

I have to go with this new install for a while spotting problems.  And I haven't gone back to the old machine since.

Step 4a) The first one was I had to be able to play DVDs.

Change, as root, the /etc/apt/sources.list file by editing it and adding four lines:

#2017-07-08 to add libdvdcss

deb /
deb-src /

Then install as root by “apt install libdvdcss2”.

VLC worked by playing Futurama in Spanish.  Leela is a babe.

Step 4b) network shares on windows are not yet accessable. 

SAMBA was installed on Original, and it was happy.  It took a lot of twiddling to get that there.  Luckily I could copy over and merge it into my bare bones samba.conf file.  I saved the new one as installed, then copied the one over from Original, then restarted.

Fixed the access to my network shares.  It did not fix the share I had on the new machine.  I'll work on that.

Step 5) Conclusion is that this process works. 

Worked.  I'm on day 6 of all of this. 

Two problems cropped up:

1) The network share on my "new" machine still hasn't been fixed but I will deal with that later

2) Flash does not work.  Flash, as a platform, is dying. The only place it irks me is on when I run across a short video to play.  I'll look into that at my leisure.

Step 6) Epilogue:
Furthermore...  I got bored and did it again with another machine.  I had it working once the updates happened.  It's a first generation Thinkpad Yoga S1 and has its own problem.

That's the thing, there will always be quirks.  Be prepared.  They happen because the new computer has different hardware than the original one.  You may need drivers, and you may need to remove software.

After all you still have your old machine and its backup, so you can go back if you want.  This "migration" is completely safe to your original data.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

What fish only swims at night? A starfish!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school?

A young child is sitting on a park bench eating a huge bag of candy.

An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's terrible for your health!"
The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years old!"

"What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No," the kid says. "He minded his own damn business!"

A positive ion stole an electron yesterday.
He got away with no charge.

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

I'm great at multitasking!
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My girlfriend likes it when I am silent.
She thinks I am listening.

Why does the end of the world never come?
Because it's round.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.

She replied in a huff 'I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.
"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

How does a bro spell a striped horse?
With a "Z" brah.

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?
Cheque, mate.

How do Vegans start grace?
Lettuce pray...

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Why did the man steal the wig? He didn't want toupee!

I can't believe I got terminated from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

That's not too bad. My friend and I stole a calender and we each got six months!

You could just have bought a yearly supply at the dollar store

They told me I will get my promotion on the 30th of February.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.

A curious child asked his mother...

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

A duck waddles into a store, asks for some snails.

The woman behind the counter asks, "Wait, ducks don't carry cash, do they?"
The duck replies, "No, but you can put them on my bill."

Some people really don't understand what it means. to live simply.
I don't get it. It's not that complicated.

What Fruit Has The Hardest Time Finding Love?  Cantaloupe
But nobody wants to date a lemon
And peaches are the pits .
So when life gives you lemons, don't marry them

Guy 1: I just joined a salon quartet
Guy 2: What's a salon quartet?
Guy 1: It's like a barbershop quartet, except we can charge a lot more

Two muffins are put in an oven.
The first muffin says, "Man, are you hot or is it just me?"
The second muffin replies, "This isn't the time for flirting, Dave."

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when...

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

What did the Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac person do all night?
He had laid there wondering if there really was a dog

(I know one person in particular who will like this one)
Why do farmers play smooth jazz for their corn?
It's easy on the ears

Two wind turbines are in a field when one turns to the other:
He says: "What's your favourite type of music" The second one says: "Actually I'm a huge metal fan

I've written a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it's more of a wrap.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Please Watch Over Your Dogs, Cats, and any Sensitive Folks over The Fourth, You May Save A Life

Ok, so I may be a day early.  I tend to put out some weird ramblings on Wednesdays.

What I'm onto is this fireworks nonsense.  Nobody wants to live in a war zone.  To a dog, especially a fearful one, that is what will be happening a bit after sunset for A While.

An Arbitrary amount of time after any given Firework-y event.  A couple of weeks if I remember last year.

I love looking at them but what that does to anyone that gets "triggered" by them is truly frightening.

Yeah, I used the word triggered.  Which means those big strong (read: callous types) have just closed this window.

Growing up in an area that banned anything more than sparklers, the professional firework displays that shot off on July 4th were amazing.  The park near the house, Cooper River Park in Cherry Hill NJ, was a spot you could stand in an open field and watch at least ten displays.

Now imagine your idiot Confederate Flag waving, Pickup Truck driving neighbor setting off his personal jollies in the street next door and having them go wild into your hedges and start a fire.

Meanwhile your cat or dog is freaking out in mortal terror because someone just dropped a mortar overhead.

I would expect this in France in two weeks at Bastille Day, or perhaps in the UK around Guy Fawkes day, but then again Europeans seem to have more sense than some folks around here.

Keep your pets indoors tonight.  If you need to walk your dog, a possible suggestion is what I am doing.

Sunset tonight in Fort Lauderdale, Florida is at 8:17PM.  I will try to get my walk started around that time.  Preferrably before.  "They" always wait until it's fully dark out before the idiots start their own battle of lights.

Oh and your cats?  First off, if you let your cat out at night, you're doing wrong by them.  They live much longer indoors, and so do the songbirds in your neighborhood that are in decline everywhere.  Secondly, you never know what some fool will do with fireworks, your cat, and perhaps a little duct tape.

Yes, we hear about that every year.
Yes, the animal rights laws are getting better.

No, your dislike of those facts won't stop some freak from taking out their anger on your pet.

Keep them indoors.
Tonight and always.
They'll be around much longer.

Ok, so I didn't mean for this to get so strident and rant-y.

Protect the pets you love.  Make sure you have a picture of them with you.  If you lose yours, look for them at the shelter.  Like that graphic above says, the 5th of July is the busiest day for animal shelters with people trying to recover their lost dog or cat.

Their welfare is in your hands.

If you happen to know a veteran, ask them if they need company tonight.  They may appreciate it.

Ok, let me rephrase it.  If you know of anyone who may be alone tonight or any night, go say hi.  They may appreciate it.

It's just neighborly.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

What do vegan zombies crave? Graaaains!

The Good Day:

My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

Then he texted: Now have a good life

-Don't come back Monday..
-Woohoo!! Long weekend!!

My kids are nothing but trouble.
I told my son "One day you'll have kids of your own."
He said "So will you."

A priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?"
"Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

Why are console gamers always sad?
Cause they can't ever PC things together.

I've been working on this amphibian joke for awhile but I'm too nervous to say it...'s still a work in frogress.
Are you feeling froggy?
It could be the greatest joke ever toad!
What, did you think we'd just ribbit to pieces?

I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...
That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!
I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.
Nobody chairs.
Hutch up!

The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?".
I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio.

Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?".
I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower petal fell onto her head after it blew in through a window.

My youngest grunted,"Raaghhrgh?".
I reply,"Quiet down now Cinderblock we already fed you!".

A man at work walks into his boss's office and bets him for $2000, that at exactly 2 AM, there will be a giant wart on his butt.

His boss is a bit confused, but he accepts the bet.

So at 2 AM the man walks into the office of his boss again and says that he would like to... have a look.

So his boss drops his pants, but the employee says that can't really see it all that well and asks him to stand in front of the window for better lighting.

The boss tells the employee that clearly, no wart has appeared and the man accepts his defeat.
He tells his boss that he's gonna pick up the money.

His boss asks him where he's gonna get it from.
The man explains that he bet ten other employees for $5000 each that he could get the boss's naked butt in front of the window at 2 AM.

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Why do librarians love skyscrapers? Because they have lots of storeys!

My lady friend keeps calling me an alcoholic!
Good thing we're not supposed to use labels.

What did the blind rabbit say to the deer?
I have no eye, deer!

Why couldn't Beethoven go to the dance?
He was too baroque.

Whats sport can you play with a Wombat?  Wom!

I don't trust our air conditioning system.  It seems forced.

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian but they aren't laughing anymore.

How did the little truck always take home ladies from the bar?  He had the best pick-up lines.

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?  Alpaca lunch.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?  A drummer

What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?  Forget it once!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?  Your honor.