What do vegan zombies crave? Graaaains!

The Good Day:

My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

Then he texted: Now have a good life

-Don't come back Monday..
-Woohoo!! Long weekend!!



My kids are nothing but trouble.
I told my son "One day you'll have kids of your own."
He said "So will you."



A priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?"
"Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"



Why are console gamers always sad?
Cause they can't ever PC things together.



I've been working on this amphibian joke for awhile but I'm too nervous to say it...
...it's still a work in frogress.
Are you feeling froggy?
It could be the greatest joke ever toad!
What, did you think we'd just ribbit to pieces?




I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...
That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.



I just don't understand puns about furnitures!
I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.
Nobody chairs.
Hutch up!



The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?".
I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio.

Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?".
I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower petal fell onto her head after it blew in through a window.

My youngest grunted,"Raaghhrgh?".
I reply,"Quiet down now Cinderblock we already fed you!".



A man at work walks into his boss's office and bets him for $2000, that at exactly 2 AM, there will be a giant wart on his butt.

His boss is a bit confused, but he accepts the bet.

So at 2 AM the man walks into the office of his boss again and says that he would like to... have a look.

So his boss drops his pants, but the employee says that can't really see it all that well and asks him to stand in front of the window for better lighting.

The boss tells the employee that clearly, no wart has appeared and the man accepts his defeat.
He tells his boss that he's gonna pick up the money.

His boss asks him where he's gonna get it from.
The man explains that he bet ten other employees for $5000 each that he could get the boss's naked butt in front of the window at 2 AM.



An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"