The phone rings at FBI headquarters
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to climb the ladder.
One to shake the ladder.
And one to sue the ladder company.
A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts shadow boxing.
The barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink
After the man finishes his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again.
The man finishes the drink and asks for another one and starts shadow boxing again,
The barman, curious asks the man "When is the big fight?"
The man says: Whenever you want because i don't have any money