Sunday, October 29, 2017

What's the best part in a boxing joke? The punchline.

A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."

"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man drive my car?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Well, will you have sex with another man at some point?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"
"Nah. He's left-handed."


How about a wee bonus?   Sure....


Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”
I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”
“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

I left my chicken feed out in the rain and it turned into porridge overnight. Could I be accused of gruelty to animals?

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.

“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.”

He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction.

My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.

“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him

To which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

How Much Chocolate Is Too Much?

When someone near to me came home from London, he brought me something that I appreciated very much.

I just did not know how much?

I mean... this is apparently a "Thing" in Britain.  

By which I mean "Supersized" chocolate bars.






I am laughing at the display on my room organizer right now.  This is ... ridiculous.

But it is a "thing" there, and the reality is that there is the concept of a reasonable amount of any given food to eat.

Really, this is huge!  The sheer size of it has me laughing.

Way up at the top of the picture is a "standard" single serving Hershey's Chocolate bar.  It's not my favorite chocolate by a long shot, but here in the land of Big Food and Cheap Food, it's what we think of as a single serving.

Granted, it is 220 calories which is a bit large for some of my more petite friends to have in one sitting.  I have a friend who is 1/2 my size and weight, and that 1.55 ounce, or 43 gram serving is what should be about all she should have of candy or dessert all day.

My being twice that size I'm maintaining weight with twice that amount per day.  I lose a pound all week, gain it back on the weekend, and I have since High School.  It's in balance.  My doctor had no complaints about my weight or my fitness level at all.


Rule of thumb is calories are to be balanced from 30% Fat, 30% Carb, 40% Protein. 

Training Diets are 1 gram protein per pound of weight.  Lower Fat and Carbs as needed.  Good luck with that.

Nutrition guidelines aside... that little bar is a "single serving".

Now, since what we get here in Los Estados Unidos with the name Cadbury doesn't taste right to me, I have a standing order with anyone going to England to bring back Cadbury Chocolates.

It used to be that Cadbury was made by Hershey by license.  It also does not taste right to me, nor the same. 

Close, but not quite.  Kit Kats are the same too for me.  I could be wrong.

Could be the water, or that the chocolate is different.  I don't know.  When I have a Cadbury branded chocolate here I don't think it tastes "right" to me.  My opinion.  I'd just rather get Cadbury imported from Old Blighty than walk down the block to the rather excellent candy store and get a bar there.

Maybe I should.  Just not today.

That and my licorice allsorts.  Bassetts.  They're stale if I get them locally, but amazing if bought at the airport at Gatwick just before you leave.

Please Exit the UK via the Gift Shop.  Don't forget your Licorice and your ridiculously large chocolate bars!

So I am getting enough from other sources.

Then there's that bar of Cadbury Fruit and Nut in the middle.   It is 300 grams.  10.58 ounces.

And don't get me on Your Country Should Go Metric.  We did, it's just we have a translation layer there so it makes things easier for us.  All our units of measurements are defined as a multiple of Grams or Liters or what have you.

Maybe you shouldn't have a license plate for a candy bar.

Anyway, at 495 calories per 100 grams, the whole bar is 1485 calories.  At 212 calories per serving it serves 7. 

Seven.  And that is the middle sized bar. 

When I first saw that bar I thought it was insanely sized.  Why?  Because I know people who would attempt to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

Don't do that.  Nearly a day's budget of calories for a tall woman in one bar of chocolate is insane.  Just Don't Do it.

Well, at least that's the math if I can read the British Nutrition Label.   They suggest a more reasonable serving size of a little more than an ounce.

While people in Britain are smaller than in some parts of the US - Buddy, you folks are catching up.

But that fruit and nut bar that I truly enjoyed massively was a shock when I saw it.  Ok, "Gift Sized" was what I called it.

What about that plank of Dairy Milk in the box.  On the bottom of the picture. 

Come on Cadbury, you're kidding me!  800 Grams?

Yes, I know, Portion Control.  I've been doing portion control for so long that I can estimate calories in my head - and do.

800 Grams.  28.22 Ounces.

When I saw it I asked "What the hell is that thing, is it really chocolate?"

Yep!  I am laughing at the massive bounty of chocolate that that is.

Real good chocolate too.  The way a Cadbury Chocolate Bar should taste. 

And yes, I will enjoy it, completely.  Every last gram.  But I will "Do The Math".

For 100 grams, it is 530 calories.
For the whole bar that is an amazing 4240 Calories.

Serving size according to Cadbury is a measly 25 grams or 132 calories.

So a giant 800 gram bar serves 32?

I'm laughing at that. 

No wonder why the NHS is moving to disallow hospitals to sell these on premises.  I would say that the heft and size of the thing, it could be used as a weapon.

So I guess the whole supersizing thing that we went through here, they did in Britain, differently.

Good luck folks, I'm still laughing at the bar being so bloody large!

At least I have until December 2018 to finish all this stuff!

I'll go with a roughly 200 calorie serving and enjoy each bit.  By the time I finish all this stuff, this "table leveler" block of chocolate, someone else will be going back to England and coming back with a ludicrously large bar of chocolate again.

It will be appreciated.

Six Chunks at a time.  I just want to watch the world burn and have a wee bit more.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Girl are you a turtle? Because your hot as shell!

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves.

When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "
Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Saturday, October 21, 2017

A Story of Two Jokes In One

I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together.

Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthest into a deep mud puddle will win. So the first guy rears back, throws his brick, and it sinks 6 inches into the mud. The second guy takes aim, throws his brick up, and it sinks a full foot into the mud. Then the third guy takes his shot, throws his brick up... and it doesn’t come down.

The second joke is thus: A woman decides she wants to visit her mother in the hospital after a recent surgery. She decides she will take her pet parrot too, since her mother loves seeing him. Unfortunately, her mother lives several states away and the only viable travel option is on a no pets, no smoking flight the next day (this is, of course, before no smoking on any flight). So she decides she will smuggle her parrot in under a jacket.

So the next day, the woman packs her bag, dons a jacket and takes her parrot to the airport. Once there, she gives the parrot a treat and hides him in her jacket. Once the plane takes off, the captain comes out into the cabin to speak with the passengers. In his mouth is the biggest cigar anyone in this flight has ever seen. As he reaches the woman, he asks her how she is enjoying the flight. “Just fine,” she responds. “Well great, we should be there in time, so please enjoy the flight.”

As he is just about to walk away, the pilot hears Arw, Polly want a cracker. “What was that?” the pilot asks. “Oh, nothing!” ARW, POLLY WANT A CRACKER! “You have a parrot!” The pilot exclaims. “Well you have a cigar!” The woman responds, equally enraged.

The captain reaches over, opens the woman’s jacket, and pulls out the parrot. “You’re not allowed to have a parrot on this plane,” the pilot says. The woman snatches the cigar out of the pilot’s mouth and retorts, “Well you’re not allowed to have a cigar on this plane!”

At this point, the pilot has had enough, so he opens a window and throws the parrot out the window. Furious, the woman throws the pilot’s cigar out the window before he has a chance to close it. As the pilot storms back to the cockpit, the lady sits down fuming over the loss of her beloved pet parrot.

After the pilot has had a chance to calm down, and has put the entire event from his mind, he hears a tapping, tap tap tap, at his window. He looks over and what should he see but the parrot. And it has something in its beak.

Now you might think the parrot grabbed the pilot’s cigar, but no. In its beak is...

The brick.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Ginger Blossom and Frog

Travel.  Broaden Your Horizons.

Bring a camera.

All that.

I don't actually get into the Jeep often.  15 year old car with only 46,000 miles on it.  So when I do go for a drive, there has to be a reason, and I almost always really enjoy it.  It's a fun vehicle to drive, and I'll get there.  You may not, but I will.

The occasion was that I got to visit one of my favorite people, my godmother Kathie.  She's a prime example of love makes a family.  The godparent tradition came from our childhood, and we both have found different spiritual paths.  But we stayed in touch via her moves to Florida, my much later move, and many years.

Plus she's great company. 

I got a message in my email asking if I wanted to come up and enjoy a lunch in the restaurant.  Sure! Great! When?

When became a rainy trip up.  We've had a lot of random smallish rain storms.  Fun.  I've got the right car for it.  30 inch rubber donuts, no lifts, it's a Jeep not a Mudder.  My theory is that 10 mpg is no fun, and while the car is rated 15, I drive gently and get 18 city, 22 Highway. 

Not a Prius.  But I don't fit in a Prius.

After watching people do stupid things on the back roads, and one clown spin out, I got there. 

We chatted, I added her printer to her Mac, and we went out to look at the Preserve.  Hurricane Irma took out a few trees, including a Honeybell Orange that I will miss.  But she did point out the Ginger plant.  We've got one too that I just planted, so I was interested to see it in bloom.

You know that motto, Always Bring A Camera? 

She lifted a fallen leaf to show me the blooms and right there, sitting on the flower was this wee little Frog. 

"I need a Picture of that!"
"For Ramblingmoose.com?"
"Of Course!"

So there it is.  We still don't know if that is an Ornamental or Culinary Ginger, but it is a pretty thing.  The flowers merely smell Floral instead of smelling like a Gingerbread.  That may be what I will get out back by the shed.

The ginger, not the frogs.   Frogs are welcome too.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I saw an elephant crossing the road. I named him a Chicken

Joanne Worley would appreciate that ... "WAS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?"
The woman never said anything quietly!


As for this joke... I can tell it, I'm part Irish.


Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a clock!"

Saturday, October 14, 2017

They say you can hear your blood pump ... if you listen varicosely.

I was walking down the street when I came across a particularly dirty looking homeless man

I took out my wallet, extracted $10, and asked "if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" Replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting."

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Peanut Brittle Recipe - One of the easiest I have found





Peanut Brittle.  It's basically a butter toffee that peanuts or some other nut is poured into and allowed to cool.  The nuts are cooked and come out slightly softer.


I usually make this with Pecans since we can get them cheap, and they have a stronger flavor.

Most recipes have a couple of steps.  This one only has two.

This recipe does not use baking soda for leavening.  When you add the ROOM TEMPERATURE butter to the candy, it will almost instantly boil creating bubbles that will add volume and make it easier to eat.

If you prefer a thinner candy, wait a few seconds, and the bubbles will die down.

This also works if you switch the nuts out for about an ounce (28 Grams) of lightly chopped roasted coffee beans.  If you use Espresso Grind coffee, you end up with a smoother texture.

I will say that the taste with Espresso is very reminiscent of a specific Japanese candy that I can very rarely find.  They look like a toffee but are very dark brown and taste like a sweet coffee or a Cuban coffee.  Hard to find here in South Florida, so when I discovered this, it was a special treat.

It's all up to you.

As for calories?  It's candy for crying out loud:

1 Cup Sugar = 774 Calories
4 ounces unsalted roasted peanuts =  426 Calories
1 ounce Butter = 200 Calories

Total = 1400 calories.

Yes, that is the full recipe calorie count.  If you sit down and eat the entire recipe you should reconsider your diet choices.  I'd say about 1 1/2 ounce is a good (approximately) 200 calorie serving size.  Leaving it out on the counter like I do is a mistake since it means I'm grazing on the stuff all day.

On the other hand since there is no baking soda in it... well you don't have that gassy problem do you?

This also makes a "reasonable" amount to make in a wet climate.  There isn't so much that you will have to worry about it getting sticky from the humidity or it simply lingering because you got bored.

It threw together in about 10 minutes - so it's a dangerous recipe, if you enjoy the stuff!

Ingredients:

  • 1 Cup Granulated Sugar
  • 2 Ounces Water
  • 4 Ounces Unsalted Peanuts, Pecans, Walnuts, Macadamia Nuts, or any combination you prefer
  • 2 Tablespoons ROOM TEMPERATURE butter
  • Salt to taste - or not, I do not



Process:

  1. Prepare a cookie sheet with aluminum foil or parchment paper.
  2. Grease lightly cookie sheet with oil.
  3. Chunk the butter into small pieces and set aside.
  4. Lightly Chop the nuts - Or not, your preference.
  5. Add to a 2 quart/Liter sauce pan the water and sugar.
  6. Mix the sugar and water until well dissolved.
  7. Place the sugar water mix on medium high heat until boiling.
  8. Stir the sugar water while on the heat.
  9. Continue to boil the sugar water until it reaches a proper tan/caramel/toffee color.
  10. Add the butter and nuts at the same time and remove from heat while stirring. 
  11. The mixture will foam as the water in the butter boils off.
  12. Pour onto a cookie sheet lined with Parchment Paper or Aluminum Foil.
  13. Allow to cool to room temperature and break into bite sized bits.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for centuries? Church

This one got me laughing so loudly that I woke the dog.  Enjoy!


A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Did you know that the British have a special piece of clothing for their favorite meal of the day? It’s called a Tea Shirt.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife.

Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera.

Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing.

She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said.
"Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone.

I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Debian Linux Stretch - Installing WordPress

Ok, earlier I installed Debian Linux Stretch using this guide.

It was wordy because I wrote it, and it had 26 steps because I wanted to make it absolutely as easy as making breakfast.

It worked because this is being written on that machine.


Next I installed the LAMP stack using this guide.

Not so wordy, and again, that's this machine.  LAMP is a web server, and if you're coming here to find out how to install WordPress, you already knew that.


Now I am getting ready to install Wordpress.  I'm doing it as I am writing, so assuming I have the right information to guide me, I'll have success.  I am using this guide to help me.  Also if I haven't made a thorough hash of installing LAMP, it should "Just Work".

WordPress is a pretty easy install, I've done it before on a Cloud Server, and I've done it before on a machine here, and a couple of random places in the past.

My install here expects a few basic things.
  • You followed my guides to build the server and it is running.
  • You have physical access to the server to simplify the process.
  • Commands will be run from the terminal as root.

Creating the database for WordPress:

A) Log In as Root to Mysql or MariaDB
  • mysql -u root -p
B) Create a regular user for WordPress- replace userpassword with a much better password!
  • CREATE USER 'wpuser'@'localhost' IDENTIFIED BY 'userpassword';
C)  Create wp_database
  • CREATE DATABASE wp_database;
D) Grant the WordPress User full access to the wp_database
  • GRANT ALL ON `wp_database`.* TO `wpuser`@`localhost`;
E) Flush your privileges and exit MySQL/MariaDB
  • FLUSH PRIVILEGES;
  • exit;

Get WordPress and Unpack it

A) Download the package into your ~/Downloads directory
  • cd Downloads
  • wget https://wordpress.org/latest.tar.gz
B) Unpack the package into the WordPress directory
  • tar xpf latest.tar.gz
C)  Remove everything in your web server's html directory and copy the WordPress package to it. 

  • REMEMBER:  If you have anything important in that /var/www/html directory it will be gone so back it up if you need it
  • rm -rf /var/www/html
  • cp -r wordpress /var/www/html
D) Set permissions and ownership for the WordPress install to function as designed.
  • chown -R www-data:www-data /var/www/html
  • find /var/www/html -type d -exec chmod 755 {} \;
  • find /var/www/html -type f -exec chmod 644 {} \;

Set Up WordPress

A) Access the process.  The WordPress setup is Browser Driven.  Surf to your localhost, or the correct web address URL to get to it.  In my case it is in Firefox:

  • http://localhost/wp-admin
 B) Supply wp-admin the correct information.  In my case:

  • Language: English
  • (OK)
  • (Let's Go)
  • Database: wp_database
  • Username: wpuser
  • Password: userpassword (Yes, Literally 'userpassword' or your better password)
  • Database Host: localhost
  • Table Prefix: wp_
  • Click Submit 
 
C) Run The Install by clicking the button.


The Five Minute WordPress Install Process

At this point, you launch into an install to create the basics for your WordPress website.

A) Information Needed:

  • Site Title - This is the name of the site you wish to create.
  • Username
  • Password
  • Confirm use of weak password if this box appears.
  • Your Email
  • Search Engine Visibility (Click the check box if you do not want to show in searches)
  • Click (Install WordPress) button
B) The Success page will show you your WordPress username and indicate your chosen password for you to proceed.
  • Click Log In

Now you can do a happy dance.  You're done.  Go create a site.

WordPress will put a red button up for each thing that it needs to have updated.

At this point you may be creative and make a site.  You may want to explore templates, but a basic site can be slapped together quickly.

The results are that if you are on that machine, and surf http://localhost you will get a basic page with the information that you put in.

On the other hand, this is not perfect.  I surfed it from my phone and another computer here, and I got all the text but not the template.  So you will probably have some configuration to do.

But... This is good enough to get started.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

What do you think will happen in 3 years time? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."