Sunday, November 17, 2019

Where did the mango go? I don't know, the mango goes where the mangoes

Mmm Mangoes!  As I looked over my shoulder and out back and looked at the tree that I 'hacked back' three weeks ago.

It did help.  Now it's growing crazy.  Hopefully that will translate into more fruit, that's a really sweet tree!




A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself.

He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves.

One week later he calls.

“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks.
“Fine thank you.” She responds.

“How’s the cat?”
“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans.

The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?” She shrugs.

“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”

Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”
“On the roof, she responds.”

Saturday, November 16, 2019

The road to inner peace begins with three words: NOT MY PROBLEM.

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"That's my boy!"

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Wilton Manors At Sunrise

I have to admit, I really do like walking through this town before sunrise.

The time is quiet.  I-95 is only barely audible.  The trains aren't necessarily here and if they are here, I can pretend they aren't.

When I am not talking to Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM), on a day like this with almost no breezes, all I am hearing are our footsteps and the ringing in my ears.

Thanks, Mom, all that aspirin you fed me left me a present.

I get to stargaze, and while I am looking up at the skies, sometimes I get to indulge myself.  This morning, since I am still trying to adjust to the time change to standard time, I lay in bed an extra half hour or so.  When I do finally get out there, the skies were no longer completely dark.  More of a purple.

Stepping outside, I let Rack walk to the front of the property so he could water His Rock.  I almost always look up and noticed that there were enough clouds out there to make things interesting.  Not quite yet, but later.

Rounding the block, Rack told me that he wanted a Short Walk by herding me one way.  A mere four tenths of a mile today.  Even though I have to break him of that habit, I could use the time to do other things.

We went down a residential street that had a good view of the skies toward the beach.

That is a good view once I stopped looking at what Rack was sniffing at.  I never did figure that out. 

The skies were getting brighter and the sun was rising above the Bahamas at this point.  They really aren't that far away from me.  When that happens, we get the undersides of our clouds lit up by the distant orange rays that are just beginning to peak up over the horizon.

Or so I tell myself.

Walking around the block I hear the neighbor ask "What-cha lookin' at?"
"It's a really pretty sunrise.  I'll have to try to get a good picture of it!"

I may have ringing in my ears, but I have a very stable hand when it comes to photography.

"Good luck to you!  I have pools to take care of!"  As he went off looking for his pool scoop for the back of his pickup truck.

I walked down the block with my neck craned over my shoulder saying to nobody in particular "Yep!  I'm going to get that picture".

I got a wag out of Rack for that.  He does that often.  Good, I have an excuse for talking and I'm not really talking to myself.

With light breezes and a pleasant temperature, this is why people live here.

It's also why the Snowbirds come down here and drive stupidly on my roads.  Since it is currently snowing in the big cities up North like Philadelphia and will be in Boston, I'm thinking that the airplanes will be all full up very shortly.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

What happened to the frogs car? It got toad!


A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and leaves.

One week later he calls.

“Hi, how are you doing?” He asks.
“Fine thank you.” She responds.

“How’s the cat?”
“Oh, he fell off the roof and died.” She deadpans.

The man is extremely irritated, and says “Just like that? After I groomed him, fed him, and took care of him for 6 years? Now I call you and you tell me just like that?”
 
She shrugs.

“At least make it slower, one day tell me he is on the roof, the next day tell me he fell off, the next day tell me his is injured, and the day after that that he is dead. Pacing woman!”

Sighing deeply, he asks slowly “how is my mother?”
“On the roof, she responds.”

Saturday, November 9, 2019

How do you turn a stew into gold? Add 24 carrots.

Funny thing about weekend mornings.  Sometimes I have projects to do and sometimes I end up cooking.  Some of the recipes end up here on the blog because I like to share.

Today, I've got to get up and make some dog food.  I don't think my dog shares.

On the other hand people have been sharing one-liners with me, and I have so many in my jokes file that I will share them with you.

I guarantee they taste better than dog food!



  • We'll we'll we'll...  If it isn't autocorrect!
  • Well well well...  If it isn't my 3 favorite places to get water!
  • What's so bad about stalking?  How else do we get corn?
  • Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?”
  • Why can’t a T-Rex clap?  Because they’re dead.
  • Two bodybuilders walk into a bar.  "Ouch," says the bar.
  • I use Occam's razor to shave with.  It's really the simplest solution.
  • My landscape gardener says he can’t help me.  It seems my garden is in portrait.
  • My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry... So I threw a coconut at his head
  • It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
  • What’s the bets part about time travel?  No overdue library books.
  • Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in the milk pail the next morning?  It went into one ear and out the udder.
  • What do you call a problematic person with a gun?  A troubleshooter.
  • What's the most expensive hotel in the world?  An American hospital.
  • Teaching babies to walk is hard but you just gotta take in one step at a time.




And one bonus longer one

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Butterfly At The Pool

The thing about gardening is that you have a lot of visitors. 

Through the years, I've been visited by various reptiles, more lizards than I can count, insects, and other neighbors.

Both two and four legged.

This morning, going out to inspect my nursery pots and see how my bougainvillea cuttings are doing, I noticed that there were literally dozens of monarch butterfly caterpillars happily eating my milkweed down to pegs. 

As a gardener it is at once frustrating and pleasurable.  I would love some seeds from those milkweeds, but courtesy of a neighbor and friend here, I have a cage that I could put the plants inside so they would go to seed.

As one who enjoys nature, that is why I plant the milkweed.  It's there so the butterflies come to my yard.   It is a rare day that I don't see a number of those Monarchs on the wing, floating around, coming to a landing somewhere.

To paraphrase:  If I build it, they will come.

Home (plate) I guess is in my backyard.

I don't wander around aimlessly back there, there's a purpose.  Usually I'm being herded back to the back door by my boy Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) after only a few minutes, so standing at the back door and taking one last look means I am trying to think if there is anything that needs to be cared for.

I let him back inside because I realized I needed to deal with a visitor.   This Butterfly was perched, resting, on my sad little Hibiscus that so often is ravaged by Iguanas. 

Yes, we have herds of those beasts running around.  The Iguanas turn the neighborhood into something reminiscent of Jurassic Park, and usually result in my thinking "I hope there will be a solid cold snap this winter".

Their muscles can't function below 45F, and if it gets into the 30s it will kill them.

Good.

But this Butterfly seemed to be enjoying the rest and watching me go about my own stupidity. 

Good.   They're welcome here.    One of at least five different daily visitor species here. 

If you're seeing Butterflies in the yard and want more, the next step is to leave a little fruit out there for them to find.  The Fairchild Gardens in South Miami does exactly that in their butterfly house.  A little banana or orange goes a long way to help these beautiful creatures survive.

As for the Iguanas?  I hear they're good in a Curry Sauce.  Chicken of the Trees!

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Did you set your clocks back?

It's that time again.  Here in Los Estados Unidos, we are setting our clocks back an hour in
an effort to "save" daylight.

I am not fond of it.  

Neither is my dog, Rack.

Personally I don't care if it is 5AM when I get up, or 6AM.  I get up when I get up.

Here in Florida, they were going to make Daylight Savings Time permanent.  It was one of those non partisan things that the people in Tallahassee could decide on.  But with the gridlock that they have had in Washington since the Clinton Administration, nothing has happened about it.  It needs to be passed by the Federal Government apparently.

I think they're preoccupied with getting some other trash taken out right now.

Regardless, I get up about the same time every day, gather myself and the dog up, and go for a mile walk before sunrise and will continue to do so.

See, there's a lot of oddballs out there at that hour, along with the "early" dog walkers. 

I have a nice conversation with the dog.  He does talk back, or at least responds with a hearty tail wag.  I have a Dog Directed wander around my block, or my neighborhood.  Do a little window shopping, and then come home for dog food, coffee, and breakfast.

I will say if they could Set It And Forget It, that would be great.   Make up your mind and set things right.

Won't matter though.  Rack will be hungry at 5pm, er make that 4pm.  I'll have to feed him when his time comes, regardless.

It's like snipping an inch off a belt and attaching it to the other end and thinking you've saved something.

It also means that I have thirty clocks in this little 1200 sq foot (110 sq meter) house to set. 

I'm not obsessively buying clocks, I simply don't throw something out when it works. It takes decades for a clock to break and time pieces are a great "Guy Gift".

I have one sitting on top of a shelf in my bathroom that was a give away back around 1984.  Chaz it says on the face.  Chaz was a brand of cologne that was mass marketed as a push to sell women's cologne to men in the US.  It didn't last all that long.

Reminds me, hey you get off my lawn, it's too early for that!

Way too many clocks in this house.  Now I need to set some clocks, if you'll excuse me...

Saturday, November 2, 2019

Bread is like the sun... It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Speaking of bread, you can rise dough in a couple hours.  Make the dough in the morning, have pizza for lunch or make rolls.  Enjoy. 


Lately I keep reading about a Long Rise Fermentation in the refrigerator for more complex flavor.


Since bread is kind of an obsession here, I'll let you know how that all goes.


On the other hand, all that has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than the topic.  Here's a story on a completely different subject.




There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne.

When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys.

He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed.

This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Lowering the Mango Tree

Some of us can't get near the fruit, or they hate it.

I'm over the moon with it. I can't really get enough mangoes.

I even have a tree in the backyard.  Therein lies the problem.  You see, Mango Trees can get insanely big.  In South Florida they can get to 40 or 50 feet tall.

Lets call that 17 meters for the imperially impaired.

There is one that big just a short walk from my front door.

So unless you want fruit that is upwards of two pounds or a Kilo falling from 50 feet onto your head, or breaking glass in your car, you want to lower the things.

I've been telling people this for years.  Don't let it grow up, make it grow out.

Yes, I am turning my mango into a bonsai.  Not one of those little trees in a pot, but a tree that could be huge is going to be cut back to about six feet.

It's a manageable height for these things.

I know it is something that works because I did a test cut a month back and I am trying hard not to allow myself to finish the job.

I had gone out there and found that my tree was almost 20 feet tall and growing out of control.   About the time I took cuttings from the Bougainvillea, I walked to the Mango with saw in hand and lowered the tree on one side by about a person in height.  It also got narrowed to about 10 feet.

How do I know it worked?  Simply because the plant told me. 

I didn't do a simple beheading of the tree, I cut back long arms to the core.

One month later, everywhere I cut, the tree put out lots of little branches like fingers.   I stopped where I did with the tree because I was afraid it would pout and not put out more fruit for next year.  Since flowering and fruiting happens in spring here, I have to wait.

My Theory is that I can gently reduce the height in stages and not shock the plant.

At least it's not a skyscraper any longer.

Motto of this exercise is that if you have a truly tall tree that is getting out of control, take a measured approach and trim it back.  But do so gently, after all you do still want the tree.

I will say mine is vigorously putting out new growth and should be in perfect form for blooming in early spring.

Sunday, October 27, 2019

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery. He was put in charge of the hops.

I guess because it's Sunday and because it has been raining here overnight, this one fits... for me at least.




Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job.
As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Saturday, October 26, 2019

Cop: How high are you? No officer, it's: Hi, How are you

I just picture this next story as a plot point from the TV show Letterkenny.  Jared Keeto's character Wayne would stand up and have this distinctive and frankly odd stance when he does.  I don't get it but I don't think we're meant to.





A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy walks into a bar

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand on his hip. "Hmmm. Well,I've never had a problem with the ladies. In the years of my happy marriage, distance has always made the heart grow fonder."

John looks at the bartender with a spark in his eye. Without saying a word, he rushes home to his wife. There, she is reading a book in the bedroom, when John bolts in, posing just as the bartender was: legs apart, with his hands on his hips.

In a felt swoop, he rips the clothes off his wife and proceeds to make love to her through the night.

After what seems like hours, she turns to John. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him what changed.

John gets up, stands with his legs apart and puts his hands on his hips. "It's this stance", he says.

"What about this stance, John?".

He lifts one hand and starts stroking his chin, legs apart and with one hand on his hip.

"This stance makes the heart grow fonder."

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Propagating Bougainvillea is Easy

The first time I propagated bougainvillea, i used what my family "on the farm" would call "Involuntary Propagation".

There was a pot with a little pine bark mulch in the bottom, and a little soil.  It sat under the bougainvillea arbor that I have behind the house.  I came through one day and trimmed it back and a small bit fell in the pot.

I didn't see or ignored the clipping instead of throwing it out.

Months later when I went to use the pot, I pulled the clipping out and it had begun to grow roots.

Bougainvillea is an amazing looking plant but it has thorns all over it.  Whenever I work with it, I end up having arms that look like I was trying to give a pill to a cat.  Shredded.

But it is one of the reasons why I bought the house.  Standing at the front window, you can see through the house to the arbor in the back, and when it is in bloom, it is a wall of flowers.

It also has a very thin bark that scratches off with a thumbnail to show a little green underneath.

Many plants down here are like that, and it is pretty easy to find a plant that I can propagate easily with better than 50% success.

With the bougainvillea, you will want to find a piece with green growth at the end and some leaf buds on it.

Cut the stem, and trim it to a 45 degree angle to make it easier to stick in the soil.

Treat the cut end generously with rooting hormone.

Push the stem into wet soil deep enough to allow the cutting to stand more or less upright.  Larger stems will need more support and will need to go deeper.

Once in soil, water generously until it is obvious that you have new growth and roots developing.  It can be as long as 3 to 6 months before the new plant can go into the ground, so be patient.

In one case I have seen new growth in about two weeks once all the old leaves had fallen to the ground.

Finally, the plant does not seem to care whether it is getting started in a pot or directly in the ground.  I have cuttings starting in both the soil and in pots on my irrigation lines.

Sunday, October 20, 2019

I can eat sugar with either hand. I'm ambidextrose!


I have a triple play today.  A Three-Fer of strangeness.  A couple dad jokes for you to smile at, hopefully for your day today.



I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!

I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag?

I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!



My teacher said that unison isn't a proper word.
That's ridiculous, she should know a unison is one buffalo standing by itself.
If there are 2 buffaloes then it's bison.


And finally...


Taking a day off

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Wanna hear a roof joke? Alright, the first one's on the house.

Gardening.

The easiest rule of thumb is to plant what your neighbors have in their yards.  Since you want something to look distinctive, and not copy cat, go a block away and see if you can figure out what they have.

Then when you get home, and have all your precious cuttings in hand, make sure that they aren't invasive.  I found out that some of the plants that propagate so well are deemed invasive by the different groups here in South Florida.

Won't stop me though, I have pots of the stuff in my backyard that are "shovel ready" to go in the yard.

Ooops.


Or you could easily take this old gentleman's idea to heart and plant a forest instead.


There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Say Something Sunrise


Ironically this was one of my earlier wake up calls.

Not the morning in the picture, but today, when I am writing this blather.

More than two hours before sunrise, I was up walking around this same spot, a little more than two years later and thought to look East towards the sunrise.

Except it won't be there for a while.

Coming home to sit in the dark house, I'm going about procrastinating everything that I needed to do and did "other things" instead. 

Looking out the back window from my Poang Chair, through the bougainvillea, I saw the same colors starting to show in the eastern skies.  Orange tints began to appear, painting the large banana tree leaves under my mango tree back there. 

After all, I'm in South Florida.  I think it's a state requirement that you have at least one fruit tree on your property and since I know how to propagate plants, I have too many.  Too many banana trees is not really a problem, but the mango can get massive.

My mango looks like it has been mistreated lately, I hacked it down from 15 feet to a more manageable ten.  If you "lower" the top of the tree, you will end up with a skeletal look, but the plant is quite forgiving.  It's putting out tiny little chartreuse leaves from the trunk just below where I butchered the plant.

That's my yard, too many fruit trees in pots.  So many that when I look at it from "space", I can see the trees around the pool.

But that picture.  I was standing at NE 7th Avenue and Wilton Drive in Wilton Manors, Florida.  Looking east towards the ocean two miles away and the approaching sunrise there was a sign flashing.

See Something
Say Something

I did see something.  A beautiful sunrise.  It was all for my benefit, at some level.  The city has not awakened on that day, June 24, 2017, at 6:14.  The warning sign kept repeating its mantra, and I stood there, my faithful sidekick, Rack the SuperDog (TM) looking towards the sunrise and up at my face.

"Isn't it beautiful, boy?  It's our privilege to be up this early and see the city like this!"

I got a wag or five out of him and he went back to looking at it.

"Well, lets go home, the house should be waking up soon."

Rack stood up and began walking across the street in the general direction towards our house, tail wagging and leading the way.

Beautiful mornings should be shared.  My dog seemed to enjoy it too. 

Now, two years later, I'm sharing it with you.

Get out of bed early once in a while, go have a look.  You never know what you'll find.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

I don't hate lazy people anymore. I found someone else who does it for me.

First, I give you one kind of Lazy.

A young married couple have moved into an apartment and want to re-paper the dining room.

They decide to call on a neighbor with a dining room of the same size and ask him how much rolls of wallpaper he bought when he did his dining room.

"Seven," he says.

Heeding his words, they buy seven rolls of expensive wallpaper and get to work. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished.

Annoyed, they confront the neighbor and tell him, "We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra rolls!"

The neighbor shrugs and says, "Well. So that happened to you too."



And since this is Sunday, I give a final kind of lazy!


The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

    On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
    On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
    On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
    On Day 4 the trainee gets then questioned by the boss.

Boss: "On your first day, you have painted a great length of the road. But the following days it got significantly less than before. Are you slacking?"

Trainee: "No, sir! The distance to the bucket gets longer!"

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Would you like to hear a construction joke? Well I’m still working on it.

This one threw me, but considering that I come from a computing background, I got it. 

Then I remembered my programmers and yeah I can see it!




Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest.
Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was in shock. “There has to be some devine reason you have not died. You may go now.”

Next was the town Drunk.
Sentenced for too many nights running around naked whilst urinating on others property.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was amazed. “I don’t know why the gods have decided to keep you alive... go on now and drink the finest whiskey you can find.”

Finally was the town Engineer. Sentenced for releasing the castle prisoners while demonstrating the flaws in the wall structure.
Executioner puts the bag over his head, he kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.
The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half way.
The King was starting to get a little irritated that no heads were rolling off that day.
“Well, Engineer, it must be your lucky day too.” He says as the executioner pulls the bag off the Engineers head.

Before the King could get another word in, the Engineer looks up and says, “Hey! There’s your problem!”

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Rack Wants To Grill Lunch

There's an old line about Dogs Playing Poker that you probably have heard.

They can't.  You will know how good a hand they have because they will show you by wagging their tail.

Rack, the McNab SuperDog (TM) is clearly one of those emotional ones.

I let him follow me just about everywhere on the property.  I'd take him with me in the car more often except businesses can get rather arbitrary as to what they allow in their stores. 

Leaving a dog in a car is a definite no and since I have a soft top Jeep Wrangler, if we're going somewhere, he's got to come with me.

It's a Jeep Thing.  You leave nothing that you would not mind losing in a convertible car where the windows are held on by slots, velcro, and zippers.

But at home, it's open.  I walk around the property and he's following me while I am doing things.  Actually, my Morning Yard Inspection, he comes out, and does his own thing until he gets bored.  He'll keep coming back until he gets to go back inside. 

I have a higher tolerance for "boring" things I guess.

I've told him before "Go do something, you're just bored, I'm not ready yet" and he will wander off and snoop around the property line until something else looks good.

In this case, we're getting ready to grill some burgers this morning, and he knew it.  Plopped himself in view of the grill and waited for me to bring out the sausages and the burgers.

Smart dog!  Have a Burger!

Besides, if I use the brush on him out back by the hedges, the fur will magically disappear and I don't have to use the vacuum cleaner to pick up quite so much of it.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Cliffhanger puns are extremely frustrating. They just

Since my friends have discovered that I like Dad Jokes and Punny One Liners, I am being sent a bunch of them.  I've got a file sitting on the desktop of my Debian Linux Desktop Computer called "Thirteen Bad Jokes.txt" that is getting quite full of them.

Here are thirteen more of them for your... enjoyment?





My son has adorable little baby hands... I don’t know what he did with the rest of the body.

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud - False advertising should be called a stuckstuck.

Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant?  There was battered fish everywhere.

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with …so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

I have got a black belt in origami.  I made it myself.

A lady walks into the library, asking for books on paranoia.  The librarian whispers, "they're right behind you".

How many lawyers does it take to fill up an ambulance?  I don’t know, nobody’s ever tried to save one.

My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party.  So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Whenever I travel I like to open a window.  The airline strongly disagrees.

My wife and I have three beautiful children and three out of five isn't bad.

Talk to your lock calmly if you get locked out because communication is key.

Since when do we have a alarm system?  You are standing on the cat...

How do you make any salad a Caesar Salad ... Stab it 23 times (Et Tu Brute?)

Saturday, October 5, 2019

They launched a ride share app for witches... It's called BroomService.




There's an app for everything these days... you can use that one this month. 



The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".




Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Little Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!'





Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Lime Honey Frozen Yogurt Recipe

Ok, this is easy. 

The Recipe comes from "playing around" with food in the kitchen.  No "cooking" so it's safe for all ages, even you non cookers.

The recipe would work better in an ice cream freezer but I literally just tossed the mixed yogurt in the freezer.  It was a bit "Crunchy" but it tasted awesome.

I guess it would be fine not frozen too, maybe I'll try it that way.

At about 220 calories for 9 ounces, it's a saving over the usual 400-800 calories for a regular ice cream of the same size.

Ingredients:

Process:

Add all ingredients to a container and mix until smooth.
  • Freeze until solid, about 3 hours.
  • Hint: If you mix it while it is freezing it will be smoother and less ice will form
  • Chip away and enjoy.


The Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice is common in drinks and bars.  I know I got it at one point for some drink recipe but it was lingering in the fridge.  It's basically simple syrup flavored with lime concentrate.

If Lime is not your favorite, Lemon Curd (recipe) would work as well as other favorite flavors.

This reminds me ... I need to make more Lemon Curd since I have Grapefruit for that task!

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Have you heard of the movie constipation? Oh wait it never came out!

Wandering around town, it seems that one of the things I find all the time are pennies.  Nobody seems to want them.  You find little cairns of these slugs sitting on parking meters, under meters, in the parking lots, and other spots.

I'm starting to see pictures of people using them as washers because they're cheaper to use than getting into the car and driving to the hardware store and actually buying a box of the right sized washers for your construction project.

Inflation caused that.  It used to be that Penny Candy would cost a penny and you'd get two or three bits for that copper cent.  Then they changed the chemical makeup of the coins so they went from a brass that rang when you dropped it to these Copper Coated Zinc slugs that make a sour thunk on the table when you empty your pockets after a walk around town.



Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a hand with a shiny penny in it. He asked if I could see a snake. I said no. He said it was a Copperhead.

He added another penny and asked if I could see a fruit. I could not, and he said it was a Pear.

He added a third penny and asked if I could see a car. I stare at the three pennies to no avail. I could not. He said it was a Lincoln. (D'oh!)

He adds a fourth penny and asks if I can see a naked lady. Now I'm trying to work it out in my head, trying to figure any puns or word play looking at the four pennies. After a moment, I admit my defeat and tell hem I could not see a naked lady.

He grins and tells me, "and for four pennies, you're not going to."

Saturday, September 28, 2019

If I had a dollar for every joke i told wrong... To get the other side.

South Florida is an interesting place.  It's a place that teaches you to dig deeper than the surface.  It definitely changes as you live here longer and really learn about things here. 

I guess that can be anywhere that you move to, away from where you grew up.  After all, my little pond near the house in Cherry Hill NJ had a car tire sized Snapping Turtle pulled out of it by my neighbor Johnny and I caught snakes bare handed in Mrs Alderfer's Shrub once.

If you do dig, for example here in my back yard, you will hit ground water at around ten feet. 

I may be the highest property on my block.

Yes, we all do know our elevation down here.

When you're a tourist driving around town, too slowly in the fast lane and too fast in the slow lane, you will see a lot of really beautiful lakes and rivers.  The Canals that drained The Swamps look inviting, but we see a lot of things in those canals that don't really belong.

Like Tourists and their cars from taking that curve just a wee bit too fast.

It's a bit like Hippy Star Trek.  Paradise, yes, but it has some very dangerous aspects to it.

Swimming pools are better.  It is a rare day we don't have a Rip Tide warning on the beach, but my 32 Foot by 16 Foot pool never has one.

Stay out of the lakes and canals unless you can go very fast. 

It's not important that you are faster than the Piranhas, just that you are faster than the next guy.

This next little joke explains it pretty well.



While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!”

Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Morning Dew on Betty's Vinca

I'm constantly clearing out my garden.

Down here if you are eating anything with seeds and some of it falls on the ground, you will have plants. 

I need to remember that with some tomatoes and melons, preferably in the back on the drip feed irrigation chains.

There are a lot of pots on those chains, and they're all watered in a measured way.  The orchids don't hold water in their pots so they drip down into pots that are strategically placed.  I have two layers of plant pots in most places, sometimes three.  It all depends on what is back there.

The thing is that I have some plants that are just growing everywhere and getting leggy. 

They would be Betty's Vinca.

Betty was my Aunt.  She was a powerful woman, but in the best of all possible ways.  A person you wanted on your side.  She gave of her self readily, and was well loved by her family.

She had two places, one on Long Island, and the other North of me in Century Village.  Yes, it's a bit of a stereotype, but sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason.

In front of her condo she had some flowers that she was quite proud of.   Proud as she was, she liked to share.  She insisted that I have some cuttings on my last visit with her and they made it to my yard.

The point with Vinca is that they are somewhat invasive.  Constantly blooming plants, they tend to spread if you don't watch them.  I like them because it gives me a smile to think of Betty and how proud she was of her little garden and those flowers in them.

On the other hand, all of mine got very leggy so they needed to be cut back and replanted.

In a bit I'll have pot after pot of these plants all over my back yard.  All blooming in the
morning dew, they'll be there.  Spreading.

But if you are lucky, and the conditions are just right, these simple blooms are just beautiful.  In the golden hour, misted by the dew or my irrigation misters, they will do their best to shine.

I hope so, since they've now spread into my neighbor's garden from the back of the yard to the front.

If he likes it, I have some mint that I need to repot.  We all know how that stuff spreads.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but I'll try my best to make you loaf.

Lately there have been a couple quickies, shorter jokes that are too short to stand on their own, but too long for the topic, I've put them here.



(Since I am working on my Spanish right now...)

Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He walked onto the stage, addressed the audience, and told them that he could disappear.
Though the audience doubted him, he started counting; Uno...Dos...And he disappeared without a tres!



What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.



"Private Foley!!"
 - "Sir yes Sir!"
"I didn't see you at the camouflage exercise, Private!"
 - "Thank you Sir!"




A raincoat was having an argument with a poncho about which was the more useful piece of clothing.
The raincoat made the point that he kept the user dry, while the poncho spoke of his warmth and comfort.

The raincoat then suggested a contest to prove which piece of clothing was superior.
"I'm afraid I would have to ask permission to participate in such a contest," said the poncho.

"Permission?" the raincoat scoffed, "Who do you need permission from?"
The poncho replied, "Well, I'll have to speak to the Head Poncho, of course."




Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: what did you say to me?
Shut Up: I said Shut Up

Neighbor: Son tell me your name right now! or I will go get your parents!
Shut Up: *slowly* S H U T U P

Neighbor: ALLRIGHT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TROUBLE BOY?
Shut Up: No Trouble's looking for me.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

I don’t have a “dad bod.”... I have a father figure.

While I don't live in a city where the parking is outrageous, they do tend to nickle and dime you in South Florida. 

If you want to go anywhere these days, including some shopping malls, there are meters waiting for you.

I fail to see this as an improvement on life and avoid meters where possible.

On the other hand, having lived in big cities before, I do enjoy this woman's creativity in this story.




A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the woman.

"Ma'am, that car is easily worth $200,000! Are you certain you only want $500?".

She reassures him that is all she needs and she will be back in 30 days to pay the loan balance plus interest in full.

The banker can't believe it, but he writes up the paperwork, has her sign and gives the woman her money. He then orders security to move the car down to the vault where it can be safely stored as collateral. He laughs with his co-worker about how much of a idiot this woman is!

30 days later the woman returns to the bank with $534.00, the amount of the loan plus one month interest, just as she promised.

As the banker is waiting on the car to be brought up, he can't help but ask the woman why she used her $200,000 car on a $500 loan.

She replied "I didn't need the $500 but I was leaving the country for a month and needed a secure place to store my car. $34 is WAY cheaper than anywhere else in New York."

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Belling The Cat or How A Jingle Bell Helps A Mobility Scooter be More Mobile

I came to the conclusion that I had to bell the cat.   Santa needed to be invited to town in September.

We all have our moments, but this maxim that I have was illustrated to me perfectly clearly, when I took a friend to a supermarket.

You see that friend broke his foot.  He's recovering from an emergency freak accident where the bone broke for no apparent reason. 

Since he was in London, he got much better care than he would have gotten here in the US where even the doctors were amazed at the quality of care of the NHS.

I am thinking that had it happened in Philly, NYC, or LA he may have had a chance of a similar level of care, but at this point we'd be talking about selling his house to pay for it.

Thanks to the NHS (National Health Service) in the UK, he came home with a pair of shiny crutches, a cast on his leg, and a really fascinating collection of screws and stays to stabilize his bones.

We don't know why nor will we ever know why it happened.

One thing he did not get was a scooter.  NHS does not supply them nor did his US Insurance since Insurance is not here to serve you so much as to try to keep as much of your money as possible while giving you the absolute minimum of care.

However, he did not have to pay a dime on the NHS.  At. All.

I just may move to Vermont or Southern California when I truly retire so I can have a walk across the border for my future meds in Canada or Mexico, but that's a different story.

We have all seen these contraptions where you kneel on it and glide along to where you are going.

I'm afraid of that damn thing, he's faster than I am while walking.

But he is also just this side of silent on it.

Since as my maxim goes, Other People Don't Believe Society's Rules Apply To Them, I went along as Security.  Being as tall as I am, people may not notice him but they surely won't miss me and I can run interference.

As it was we both got crowded out of places we wanted to go.  My heart goes out to the wheelchair bound and the blind.  If we had trouble with all of this, I can only imagine what they go through.

So I had a brainstorm.  I belled the cat.

Not literally, don't get your animal rights in a twist.

I put a jingle bell on the front of his scooter.

While going through his paces, now you can tell he's coming.  He jingles.

Yes, I finally found a use for those over large jingle bells I found one holiday season and set aside.  It's September and I have no pressing need for a golf ball sized bell, let alone two. 

Taking a small piece of Copper Wire, I tied the things to his basket.

Yes, they have baskets, that is where you put your crap when you get out of the easy chair and scoot to the kitchen to do dishes, get your snacks, or use El BaƱo to get rid of same snacks.

It was helpful.  When he went to his next appointment, the bells were cheerily announcing his presence at a subliminal level and he had an easier time of it.

Next time if it happens, I swear I'm going to a toy store and getting a squeaky horn and some tassels.  The horn will shock people awake from their phones.

The Tassels is just because.  May as well have a sense of humor with it.   The horn should be as outrageous a color as possible since if you're going to look silly, Own It!

Sunday, September 15, 2019

A lawyer walks into a bar. He should have ducked.

There are a few professions that get no respect.  Lawyers are one.

Even Shakespeare got into the game, however that specific quote didn't really mean what we think it did.  "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" is actually said by a criminal in how to improve a country.

In other words, how to make a place better is to remove all the laws.  

Or as it was once explained to me, If you want Anarchy just get rid of the Lawyers.

Since it's a Sunday Morning that's a little deep so I'll just lob these two lawyer related jokes over the fence for your enjoyment, neighbor.




An engineer dies and goes to hell.


When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the forced labor punishments.

He overhauls the living situations with an entire city of high rise apartments.

Eventually God looks down and notices that he’ll is no longer, well, hell. He calls the devil up to explain what’s going on so the devil tells him, “I got an engineer, it’s awesome!”

God exclaims “An engineer!? I’m sorry that was a mistake you need to send him to heaven where he belongs.”

The devil laughs and tells him no.

God says “don’t make me sue you over this.”

The devil starts cackling and asks “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer!”

God cooly replies “All the good ones argued their way out of hell.”




Lawyer in a car accident


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

Saturday, September 14, 2019

A Baker's Dozen of Themed One LIners

When you get people sending you jokes, you rapidly get a collection.  Like all collections sometimes you get some patterns and groups.  Variations on a theme.

My Jokes file is getting a bit long at this point so I collected a few of these themes and put them out for your "enjoyment".

I do have a habit of liking "Dad Jokes" or "Groaners" so these should run pretty quickly for you.





Why do ducks make bad babysitters?  Because they use fowl language!
Why did the Time Traveler run away from the park?  The first time he went to one he ran over his grandpa while getting chased by a pair of ducks....
A doctor walks into a bar.  He should have ducked.
Two men walk into a bar. . . “Doors over here,” says man number 3.
A perfectionist walks in to a bar.  He walks out again because the bar wasn't set high enough.




How did the vacuum cleaner die.  It bit the dust.
How do you cure a peanut allergy?  Give them peanuts.
How do churches acquire holy water?  They boil the hell out of it.




Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat.  Don’t ask meow.
I got my cat to cut my grass today.  Such a good lawn meower.
Gave my cat a bath.  I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and  it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
I have a bird feeder in my garden.  It's also a cat feeder.




Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because it wanted to challenge the powers of the establishment, which makes him not chicken at all if you ask me.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Remember

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my office.

I had recently ended my morning call to my rather competent client, and hadn't yet gone to do battle for my client with my rather incompetent management at work.

Things started getting strange out in the hall outside my door.  It was a buzz that was unnatural.   One of those moments that remains in your mind a long time afterwords.

Internet access got slow.

My immediate boss came in and asked me to check the news.

That was how I learned that thousands of people were in the process of being murdered by a terrorist attack in NYC, The Pentagon, and Pennsylvania.

Suddenly my incompetent management problems at a University on North Broad Street in Philadelphia became even more unimportant than they were before, it became a September Tenth Problem.

Later we had heard of this once ever commercial put out by Budweiser Beer.  This went out on the Super Bowl in 2001 during Half Time.

I missed it.  Then as now, I aggressively skip commercials.

If I see a commercial there's going to be a compelling reason for me to watch it.

As much as I try not to share Youtube links, here it is in case you have not seen it.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

Yep, it's a two-fer.  Haircuts and Lawyers.  Or is it?  reality is that both of these subjects are prime fodder for someone to twist into a story with a punch line at the end.


Not me though, it's an early sunday morning and I need to go to skate! 




How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". Bill comes back laughing hysterically after a while.

The barber asks "Bill, Where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."



A guy calls a law office...

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I`m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day the guy phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

And the guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Saturday, September 7, 2019

Someone calls you a contrarian. How do you prove ‘em wrong? By agreeing.

One thing I have learned, if someone is in a position of wealth or power, they generally are at least clueless or lacking in common sense.


Sure they have specialized knowledge, but generally they aren't the kind of person you want to associate with during your own personal time, without some sort of "reason".  It's not normally completely a free association without strings attached.


This is the kind of thing I've seen in an office.  So for me it's more of a strange flashback sort of thing than a joke.




The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."





On the other hand, Job Interviews are never a positive experience.  I've been on both sides of the table and frankly it seems like you are trying to either be or dodge the gatekeepers.

So I got a certain smile with this next one





Job Interview

- How was your job interview yesterday?

- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The Wolf of Wall Street" movie.. So I took the laptop and left..

- Left...!! Then what? -Nothing 30 minutes later he called me up... begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it..
So I asked him: Will you buy it ??

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Dorian's Florida Sunset

The storm in South Florida was minimal.

It did however ruin Grand Bahama.

I saw a before/after map of the island where about 1/2 of the place was underwater.  There were videos of utterly demolished places with a random wall standing and other videos of where people were standing knee deep on their second floor as flood waters were turning their couches into pool floaties.

Watching the coverage on Bahamian National TV at ZNSBahamas.com you could hear the desperation in the voices of the callers.

And this storm isn't finished.  It's heading for the Carolinas.  Finish your storm prep up there, don't wait.

Even though it is currently a Category 2 storm, it can still wreck your day.

These storms are a way for the environment to move excess heat from the ocean into the atmosphere.  The explanation I heard was that this mechanism was a partial reason why Dorian stalled out over Grand Bahama.  The heat of the Bahamian ocean got lifted into the upper atmosphere and got dumped into North Carolina and broke down the steering currents.

All this caused an upwelling of the cold water in the deeper parts of the ocean and slowly weakened the storm until it got a nudge from the environment and started it moving North again.

After two days.  Imagine a category 5 storm sitting on your house unleashing the hounds of hell for two solid days.

Relief efforts are beginning.  The Major Cruise Lines pledged support.  Carnival and Royal Caribbean both have pledged direct efforts.  Disney has already announced relief efforts.  I'll expect to hear more as the days go forth.

If you can't give to the Bahamas Red Cross or go there directly in a Flotilla like I heard my neighbors were going to do, consider shopping those companies that are supporting the efforts and let them know why you are.

For now, there are four storms in the Atlantic, one more in the Gulf.  The season does not end until December 1 so we can have this happen again in a week or two.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Where do wunderkind go to drink? The Wunderbar!

I have always been fascinated by languages.  Both human languages and computer languages.  They all serve a basic purpose:  to exchange information and to give instruction.

 Some of the more interesting human languages have a host of sounds that you are not going to run across in English and European languages like the click languages in southern Africa.  Each Click is a different letter, and some of these same languages have a number of different clicks.




An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with you. All you need to do is head to a specific plateau, and wait there after saying this phrase." He uttered a series of Xhosa syllables and clicking sounds. The anthropologist took careful note of the phrase and thanked him.

On his way, he became slightly lost but eventually came upon a plateau fitting the description. He stood on the edge and proceeded to make the clicking sounds. A few moments later, a woman from the tribe arrived. He smiled and began to introduce himself, but the woman suddenly started flirting and rubbing herself all over him.

Unsure what to do next, the anthropologist froze, but a few moments later, the translator appeared and shooed her away.

"This is the wrong plateau, my friend," he laughed. "This is a meeting place for prostitutes!"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry...." the anthropologist began.

"It's perfectly fine, my friend. Just be more careful what you click on, you could have gotten a virus!"

Saturday, August 31, 2019

What do your dog and your cell phone have in common? They both have Collar ID.

It's a two-fer.  Why?  They go together.  That and the second one is stuck in my head for the second damn day and working my last nerve as an "earworm". 

But they're cute.  Enjoy. 




A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”




A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!




See!  Now you're humming it too!

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

How it got to be Kevin Puryear's Bench at Pompano Airpark

For me, the story starts well after things were in play.

You see, I restarted a regular habit of my own, then took it on the road.

I have started skating on a regular basis this year, and that meant I was going to Pompano Airpark.  I’d go, skate, fall down, and generally beat myself into a pulp while thoroughly enjoying the exercise.

I’m going twice a week, as early in the day as I can get out there, to skate a 9 mile workout. It is a great way to burn upwards of 1500 calories, and get some beta endorphins.

I guess being as big as I am, almost 7 feet on skates with helmet, the beta endorphins would soften my own appearance.

Going along on the trail, I’d have a big goofy grin on my face, while I am in my cocoon of music on the headphones.

I became a regular. People would recognize me, smile and wave.

There was one person in specific who hung out at the 1.5 mile water stop.  It’s a small stand of shade trees surrounding a water fountain and three green metal benches.  Since the park really needs more water stops, this stop became a bit of a hangout.

I noticed as I was skating by, heading past the big Goodyear blimp hangar, there was one person curiously asking me the time.

Frequently.

“What Time You Got? Is it 9 O’Clock yet?” I’d hear.
“Um sure!” Glancing at my watch.
“Have a great morning!”

I’d be confused as he was generally very friendly even if his outward appearance was on the rather scruffy side and led me to believe that he might be homeless.

As I’m going through this year, I’m testing out old equipment to prove that I can continue to use it, or that I should “retire” it.  Trust me, skates don’t age well, and my newest pair is over 15 years old.

One of those test workouts, I had to stop at that water stop.  By that I meant I was in desperate need of a rest since the skates being tested had me burning almost twice my usual “burn rate” in calories.  I was exhausted.

He was there.  Still pleasant as usual.

I got my drink and he waited.  As soon as I had finished “Is it 9 o’clock yet? You enjoying yourself?”

“Oh yes, I am!”  I fibbed, but people never want to hear bad news.  After all my third wheel had swollen and was forcing me to take way too many rests than usual.

I guess I had made a new friend.  Every time in the future, I’d hear him cheer me on or shout a loud Hello! as I passed.

This was what he did.  He would hang out with the people working out at the park.  Some more athletic than others, always greeted by him.

I grew to expect to see him there, then grew to look forward to him.  He just was there, being pleasant, sitting under the trees, never threatening, just enjoying being there as everyone would come and go.

Later, usually late morning, he’d wander off.  I never saw where he went to but I figured he had another place to go and more people to see.

Local Color is what I call something like this.  Someone who does something unexpected that brings a bit of character to the area.

I realized after a while that he had gone missing and I didn’t know why.  My mid lap greeting was gone.  Since I tended not to stop often at that water stop, I never learned why.

Except one day a small memorial cropped up on his bench.  Right where he always sat, closest to the trail on the southernmost bench.

The story explained that he had been struck by the Brightline train on June 10, 2019.  His family had invited everyone to his service and his funeral to say goodbye.

It turns out that he was an uncle, a brother, and a friend to his family and they said he will be missed.

I was telling this story to my own family the other day and realized that yes, he would be missed.  I missed seeing him there on what I had taken to calling Kevin’s Bench.

It is now two months after he died.  The little memorial is still there.  I still look every time I pass there.

Kevin has gone, we at the park still remember.

You never really know who you touch in life or how you effect others by your actions.

Sometimes those effected don’t realize that they were until you've gone.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food no atmosphere!

Sitting around the house having a conversation about what food to make, what snacks to bake, and when to have it.  I guess my own little kitchen has no atmosphere too.

If I make a pizza, I won't have time to make Hotteoks (Korean Donuts).
If I don't make a pizza, Hotteoks are on order, and I won't need to make cookies.
End result, snacks for after the workout are made and we had pizza the last two days.

Kind of a strange place to write that, but it is a blog after all.

So go enjoy this story about Curry and make some Hotteoks or Pizza or just whatever you like, right?





There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm.

Displeased, Kim ordered for the man to be executed. When asked what his final meal was to be, the man replied "I want a curry so spicy my eyes will melt." The man ate the curry and began tearing up at how spicy it was, and it was time for him to be executed.

He was sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Sparks flew and smoke quickly filled the room, but the man appeared to be completely unharmed!

Surprised by this miracle, the Supreme Leader says "Alright, I'll give you another chance to entertain me" and the man quickly went to work composing another masterpiece.

Again he assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea and went before the Leader to perform, but this time the Orchestra performed even worse, by far the worst music to ever hit the Leader's ears.

So Kim Jong Un again orders for the man to be executed and again he was asked for what his final meal was to be. "I want the Spiciest curry in all of Korea" and the guards complied and gave the man the Spiciest curry he'd ever eaten, even spicier than the last.

The man was then sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Again Sparks flew and smoke filled the room, but again the man was completely fine!

"Alright," says the Supreme Leader, "I will give you 1 last chance to impress me" and the man went back to work. For a third time he assembled the best Orchestra in all of Korea and went to perform in front of the Leader.

But once again it was horrible, so bad in fact that Kim had to cover his ears to block it out. So once again the man was ordered to be put to death.

"Very well," said the man, "For my final meal I wish for the Spiciest curry in the entire world."

"No," said the Supreme Leader, "I have had it with your magical curry, you will be put straight to death." And so the man was strapped into the chair and this time the switch was pulled by none other than the Supreme Leader himself.

Sparks flew and smoke filled the room but the man still remained untouched! "What?!?!" exclaimed the Leader. "But how, you didn't eat any curry."

"Oh no no no sir, it was never about the Curry," said the man,

"I'm just a poor conductor."

Saturday, August 24, 2019

How do I feel about the earth's rotation? It makes my day!

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.

"Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.

So, boys, here I am!

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Managing My Dog's Pancreatitis Flare Up Requires Dietary Management

Standard Internet Disclaimer:  I'm not a vet. 

If you have a problem with your dog's health go see a vet

I can't be responsible for any "bad advice" that you apply - GO SEE A VET if you suspect a problem. 

I am but a blog writer, don't let me be your only source of information.

However this is what worked for me.  I am not a Doctor, or a Vet.  I am however someone who has been on an "Athletic Training Diet" since 1979, so some of this is a lot of applied knowledge that came from my own trial and error.

The symptoms were that my dog got sluggish, started vomiting, and started refusing his food.  We had a bout with Diarrhea. 

The Vet suspected Pancreatitis, and after research, it seemed very likely that this was the case.   We also suspected that he has always had this but it just hadn't flared up yet.

It took a couple weeks worth of fiddling with his diet to figure this solution out.

The solution was "nuanced".  There were a few subtle things that I was doing wrong, apparently very wrong for my dog.

The result was that he's now healthy, two pounds lighter, and probably will always be on a low fat diet.


We never have completely figured out Rack's nutritional problems.  I got him as a rescue puppy with some pretty severe problems.  Worms that took three cycles of de-worming powder to kill off.  What turned out to be an allergy to poultry and grain.

His nutrition as a puppy at 7 months took him longer to get figured out than I would have liked, and it resulted in him being on the "small and light" side for the breed.

He always got the grain free dry food, when I could convince him to eat it since his teeth were naturally missing in the back.

While that is a lot to manage, it triggered my own training diet mind in gear and I figured out what was wrong.  I lost 75 pounds in 2 years when younger and have maintained a better than normal build through nutrition and exercise in the too-many years since, I should be able to figure this out.

When the prepared dry food we were giving him moved production to the US, and to a state  known for lax enforcement of food quality standards, I panicked.  The quality would suffer so we needed a different way.  That brand later had a food recall for some reason and we heard that there were dogs endangered as a result.

I was forced to prepare his own food.  Twice a week, I would take 2 1/2 pounds of cooked and browned ground beef, add water, add powder and feed him that.  He did very well on it although he got bored with it after a while.

That should have been a cue something was up.

So I did an internet search for a crock pot dog food.  Found one recipe that is human safe, although very bland - I even tasted it.  He did very well on that but it did tire him after a while.

I kept feeding him the two foods, alternating every week between recipes.

Then the Pancreatitis hit.  I recognized the symptoms from my old dog, Lettie, who had it
before she passed of kidney failure induced by "recalled dog food".  The same symptoms.  Refusing food, sluggish, loose stool, occasional vomiting.

Rack at this point is in the prime of his life.  Five years old herding dog.  Should be beyond active. 

I did some research and realized that treating him well was the problem.

We have a routine.  He gets his food at breakfast and dinner.  I rarely give him treats.  Almost never give him table scraps.

I have Pork more often than I have anything else.  I can make a pork tenderloin into something that is High End Restaurant quality.  Pork Tenderloin is a very forgiving recipe - 250F Slow oven until internally 140F.   Takes around two hours.  Marinade the Pork the night before in sauces of choice, I prefer Barbecue Sauce.

Try that recipe on Pork Loin and it works, although Pork Loin is much tougher.  Pork Loin also has a layer of fat left on it so it can soak down into the roast. 

That was the problem.

Dogs do not digest pork fat well.

Two days before the incident, I had given him the fat from the top of my lunch pork.  I did that again the next day.

The third day, he later started refusing food. 

HIS food never changed.  MY food had.  I went from the Pork Tenderloin which is just about the leanest meat you can get to Pork Loin and feeding him an ounce of fatty scraps.

On research it turns out that you should never feed a dog pork fat.  That includes Bacon.

Dogs can not digest it well, it tends to cause problems.  Like Pancreatitis.

So all snacks were cancelled.  He got a Fasting Day to clear his system of the fat.  His "regular food" was cut down to a quarter and served on a bed of white rice to be mixed in.

He began eating it slowly.

As his system cleared out, I mixed in proportionally more of the regular food.

He had a small flare up.

It turned out that the beef I was serving was a problem as well.  There was too much fat in the meat.  This was a "Utility Grade Meat" and as such had a significant quantity of added fat.  You could actually smell the fat in the resulting dog food.

Now my own cooking skills were brought to task.  I had a freezer full of Utility Grade Meat that needed to be de-fatted.

If you won't eat it, don't feed it to the dog.

Brown the meat and skim off as much fat as possible

I was getting as much as a cup of fat skimmed off of 2 1/2 pounds of "beef".

Prepare the normal recipes.

Success.

The only side effect was that he started losing weight.  That I can manage since he was acting hungry again.  His serving sizes were increased by an ounce at a time over the next couple weeks until the weight loss stopped and the begging slowed.

Now he's doing fine.  Begging for Yogurt here is at a normal level and since I make the stuff for my own use, it's not a problem.

Stools are normal.  Coat is shiny and soft.  No vomiting.

Best of all the energy level is higher than I remember it.  Which means that I get more exercise as well.

So:
  • Reduce the fat to the utmost minimum.  
  • No table scraps ever.  
  • No added sugar, ever.
  • No added salt, ever.
  • No treats of Bacon or other fat from the roasts.  

It helped him out big time.  I'm back to being run around by a herding dog with a big personality.