Sunday, September 15, 2019

A lawyer walks into a bar. He should have ducked.

There are a few professions that get no respect.  Lawyers are one.

Even Shakespeare got into the game, however that specific quote didn't really mean what we think it did.  "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" is actually said by a criminal in how to improve a country.

In other words, how to make a place better is to remove all the laws.  

Or as it was once explained to me, If you want Anarchy just get rid of the Lawyers.

Since it's a Sunday Morning that's a little deep so I'll just lob these two lawyer related jokes over the fence for your enjoyment, neighbor.




An engineer dies and goes to hell.


When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the forced labor punishments.

He overhauls the living situations with an entire city of high rise apartments.

Eventually God looks down and notices that he’ll is no longer, well, hell. He calls the devil up to explain what’s going on so the devil tells him, “I got an engineer, it’s awesome!”

God exclaims “An engineer!? I’m sorry that was a mistake you need to send him to heaven where he belongs.”

The devil laughs and tells him no.

God says “don’t make me sue you over this.”

The devil starts cackling and asks “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer!”

God cooly replies “All the good ones argued their way out of hell.”




Lawyer in a car accident


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

Saturday, September 14, 2019

A Baker's Dozen of Themed One LIners

When you get people sending you jokes, you rapidly get a collection.  Like all collections sometimes you get some patterns and groups.  Variations on a theme.

My Jokes file is getting a bit long at this point so I collected a few of these themes and put them out for your "enjoyment".

I do have a habit of liking "Dad Jokes" or "Groaners" so these should run pretty quickly for you.





Why do ducks make bad babysitters?  Because they use fowl language!
Why did the Time Traveler run away from the park?  The first time he went to one he ran over his grandpa while getting chased by a pair of ducks....
A doctor walks into a bar.  He should have ducked.
Two men walk into a bar. . . “Doors over here,” says man number 3.
A perfectionist walks in to a bar.  He walks out again because the bar wasn't set high enough.




How did the vacuum cleaner die.  It bit the dust.
How do you cure a peanut allergy?  Give them peanuts.
How do churches acquire holy water?  They boil the hell out of it.




Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat.  Don’t ask meow.
I got my cat to cut my grass today.  Such a good lawn meower.
Gave my cat a bath.  I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and  it was fun for me too. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
I have a bird feeder in my garden.  It's also a cat feeder.




Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because it wanted to challenge the powers of the establishment, which makes him not chicken at all if you ask me.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Remember

On September 11, 2001, I was sitting in my office.

I had recently ended my morning call to my rather competent client, and hadn't yet gone to do battle for my client with my rather incompetent management at work.

Things started getting strange out in the hall outside my door.  It was a buzz that was unnatural.   One of those moments that remains in your mind a long time afterwords.

Internet access got slow.

My immediate boss came in and asked me to check the news.

That was how I learned that thousands of people were in the process of being murdered by a terrorist attack in NYC, The Pentagon, and Pennsylvania.

Suddenly my incompetent management problems at a University on North Broad Street in Philadelphia became even more unimportant than they were before, it became a September Tenth Problem.

Later we had heard of this once ever commercial put out by Budweiser Beer.  This went out on the Super Bowl in 2001 during Half Time.

I missed it.  Then as now, I aggressively skip commercials.

If I see a commercial there's going to be a compelling reason for me to watch it.

As much as I try not to share Youtube links, here it is in case you have not seen it.

Sunday, September 8, 2019

I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

Yep, it's a two-fer.  Haircuts and Lawyers.  Or is it?  reality is that both of these subjects are prime fodder for someone to twist into a story with a punch line at the end.


Not me though, it's an early sunday morning and I need to go to skate! 




How long before I can get a haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". Bill comes back laughing hysterically after a while.

The barber asks "Bill, Where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."



A guy calls a law office...

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I`m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day the guy phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

And the guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Saturday, September 7, 2019

Someone calls you a contrarian. How do you prove ‘em wrong? By agreeing.

One thing I have learned, if someone is in a position of wealth or power, they generally are at least clueless or lacking in common sense.


Sure they have specialized knowledge, but generally they aren't the kind of person you want to associate with during your own personal time, without some sort of "reason".  It's not normally completely a free association without strings attached.


This is the kind of thing I've seen in an office.  So for me it's more of a strange flashback sort of thing than a joke.




The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."





On the other hand, Job Interviews are never a positive experience.  I've been on both sides of the table and frankly it seems like you are trying to either be or dodge the gatekeepers.

So I got a certain smile with this next one





Job Interview

- How was your job interview yesterday?

- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The Wolf of Wall Street" movie.. So I took the laptop and left..

- Left...!! Then what? -Nothing 30 minutes later he called me up... begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it..
So I asked him: Will you buy it ??

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Dorian's Florida Sunset

The storm in South Florida was minimal.

It did however ruin Grand Bahama.

I saw a before/after map of the island where about 1/2 of the place was underwater.  There were videos of utterly demolished places with a random wall standing and other videos of where people were standing knee deep on their second floor as flood waters were turning their couches into pool floaties.

Watching the coverage on Bahamian National TV at ZNSBahamas.com you could hear the desperation in the voices of the callers.

And this storm isn't finished.  It's heading for the Carolinas.  Finish your storm prep up there, don't wait.

Even though it is currently a Category 2 storm, it can still wreck your day.

These storms are a way for the environment to move excess heat from the ocean into the atmosphere.  The explanation I heard was that this mechanism was a partial reason why Dorian stalled out over Grand Bahama.  The heat of the Bahamian ocean got lifted into the upper atmosphere and got dumped into North Carolina and broke down the steering currents.

All this caused an upwelling of the cold water in the deeper parts of the ocean and slowly weakened the storm until it got a nudge from the environment and started it moving North again.

After two days.  Imagine a category 5 storm sitting on your house unleashing the hounds of hell for two solid days.

Relief efforts are beginning.  The Major Cruise Lines pledged support.  Carnival and Royal Caribbean both have pledged direct efforts.  Disney has already announced relief efforts.  I'll expect to hear more as the days go forth.

If you can't give to the Bahamas Red Cross or go there directly in a Flotilla like I heard my neighbors were going to do, consider shopping those companies that are supporting the efforts and let them know why you are.

For now, there are four storms in the Atlantic, one more in the Gulf.  The season does not end until December 1 so we can have this happen again in a week or two.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Where do wunderkind go to drink? The Wunderbar!

I have always been fascinated by languages.  Both human languages and computer languages.  They all serve a basic purpose:  to exchange information and to give instruction.

 Some of the more interesting human languages have a host of sounds that you are not going to run across in English and European languages like the click languages in southern Africa.  Each Click is a different letter, and some of these same languages have a number of different clicks.




An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with you. All you need to do is head to a specific plateau, and wait there after saying this phrase." He uttered a series of Xhosa syllables and clicking sounds. The anthropologist took careful note of the phrase and thanked him.

On his way, he became slightly lost but eventually came upon a plateau fitting the description. He stood on the edge and proceeded to make the clicking sounds. A few moments later, a woman from the tribe arrived. He smiled and began to introduce himself, but the woman suddenly started flirting and rubbing herself all over him.

Unsure what to do next, the anthropologist froze, but a few moments later, the translator appeared and shooed her away.

"This is the wrong plateau, my friend," he laughed. "This is a meeting place for prostitutes!"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry...." the anthropologist began.

"It's perfectly fine, my friend. Just be more careful what you click on, you could have gotten a virus!"

Saturday, August 31, 2019

What do your dog and your cell phone have in common? They both have Collar ID.

It's a two-fer.  Why?  They go together.  That and the second one is stuck in my head for the second damn day and working my last nerve as an "earworm". 

But they're cute.  Enjoy. 




A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”




A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!




See!  Now you're humming it too!

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

How it got to be Kevin Puryear's Bench at Pompano Airpark

For me, the story starts well after things were in play.

You see, I restarted a regular habit of my own, then took it on the road.

I have started skating on a regular basis this year, and that meant I was going to Pompano Airpark.  I’d go, skate, fall down, and generally beat myself into a pulp while thoroughly enjoying the exercise.

I’m going twice a week, as early in the day as I can get out there, to skate a 9 mile workout. It is a great way to burn upwards of 1500 calories, and get some beta endorphins.

I guess being as big as I am, almost 7 feet on skates with helmet, the beta endorphins would soften my own appearance.

Going along on the trail, I’d have a big goofy grin on my face, while I am in my cocoon of music on the headphones.

I became a regular. People would recognize me, smile and wave.

There was one person in specific who hung out at the 1.5 mile water stop.  It’s a small stand of shade trees surrounding a water fountain and three green metal benches.  Since the park really needs more water stops, this stop became a bit of a hangout.

I noticed as I was skating by, heading past the big Goodyear blimp hangar, there was one person curiously asking me the time.

Frequently.

“What Time You Got? Is it 9 O’Clock yet?” I’d hear.
“Um sure!” Glancing at my watch.
“Have a great morning!”

I’d be confused as he was generally very friendly even if his outward appearance was on the rather scruffy side and led me to believe that he might be homeless.

As I’m going through this year, I’m testing out old equipment to prove that I can continue to use it, or that I should “retire” it.  Trust me, skates don’t age well, and my newest pair is over 15 years old.

One of those test workouts, I had to stop at that water stop.  By that I meant I was in desperate need of a rest since the skates being tested had me burning almost twice my usual “burn rate” in calories.  I was exhausted.

He was there.  Still pleasant as usual.

I got my drink and he waited.  As soon as I had finished “Is it 9 o’clock yet? You enjoying yourself?”

“Oh yes, I am!”  I fibbed, but people never want to hear bad news.  After all my third wheel had swollen and was forcing me to take way too many rests than usual.

I guess I had made a new friend.  Every time in the future, I’d hear him cheer me on or shout a loud Hello! as I passed.

This was what he did.  He would hang out with the people working out at the park.  Some more athletic than others, always greeted by him.

I grew to expect to see him there, then grew to look forward to him.  He just was there, being pleasant, sitting under the trees, never threatening, just enjoying being there as everyone would come and go.

Later, usually late morning, he’d wander off.  I never saw where he went to but I figured he had another place to go and more people to see.

Local Color is what I call something like this.  Someone who does something unexpected that brings a bit of character to the area.

I realized after a while that he had gone missing and I didn’t know why.  My mid lap greeting was gone.  Since I tended not to stop often at that water stop, I never learned why.

Except one day a small memorial cropped up on his bench.  Right where he always sat, closest to the trail on the southernmost bench.

The story explained that he had been struck by the Brightline train on June 10, 2019.  His family had invited everyone to his service and his funeral to say goodbye.

It turns out that he was an uncle, a brother, and a friend to his family and they said he will be missed.

I was telling this story to my own family the other day and realized that yes, he would be missed.  I missed seeing him there on what I had taken to calling Kevin’s Bench.

It is now two months after he died.  The little memorial is still there.  I still look every time I pass there.

Kevin has gone, we at the park still remember.

You never really know who you touch in life or how you effect others by your actions.

Sometimes those effected don’t realize that they were until you've gone.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food no atmosphere!

Sitting around the house having a conversation about what food to make, what snacks to bake, and when to have it.  I guess my own little kitchen has no atmosphere too.

If I make a pizza, I won't have time to make Hotteoks (Korean Donuts).
If I don't make a pizza, Hotteoks are on order, and I won't need to make cookies.
End result, snacks for after the workout are made and we had pizza the last two days.

Kind of a strange place to write that, but it is a blog after all.

So go enjoy this story about Curry and make some Hotteoks or Pizza or just whatever you like, right?





There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm.

Displeased, Kim ordered for the man to be executed. When asked what his final meal was to be, the man replied "I want a curry so spicy my eyes will melt." The man ate the curry and began tearing up at how spicy it was, and it was time for him to be executed.

He was sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Sparks flew and smoke quickly filled the room, but the man appeared to be completely unharmed!

Surprised by this miracle, the Supreme Leader says "Alright, I'll give you another chance to entertain me" and the man quickly went to work composing another masterpiece.

Again he assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea and went before the Leader to perform, but this time the Orchestra performed even worse, by far the worst music to ever hit the Leader's ears.

So Kim Jong Un again orders for the man to be executed and again he was asked for what his final meal was to be. "I want the Spiciest curry in all of Korea" and the guards complied and gave the man the Spiciest curry he'd ever eaten, even spicier than the last.

The man was then sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Again Sparks flew and smoke filled the room, but again the man was completely fine!

"Alright," says the Supreme Leader, "I will give you 1 last chance to impress me" and the man went back to work. For a third time he assembled the best Orchestra in all of Korea and went to perform in front of the Leader.

But once again it was horrible, so bad in fact that Kim had to cover his ears to block it out. So once again the man was ordered to be put to death.

"Very well," said the man, "For my final meal I wish for the Spiciest curry in the entire world."

"No," said the Supreme Leader, "I have had it with your magical curry, you will be put straight to death." And so the man was strapped into the chair and this time the switch was pulled by none other than the Supreme Leader himself.

Sparks flew and smoke filled the room but the man still remained untouched! "What?!?!" exclaimed the Leader. "But how, you didn't eat any curry."

"Oh no no no sir, it was never about the Curry," said the man,

"I'm just a poor conductor."

Saturday, August 24, 2019

How do I feel about the earth's rotation? It makes my day!

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.

"Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.

So, boys, here I am!

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Managing My Dog's Pancreatitis Flare Up Requires Dietary Management

Standard Internet Disclaimer:  I'm not a vet. 

If you have a problem with your dog's health go see a vet

I can't be responsible for any "bad advice" that you apply - GO SEE A VET if you suspect a problem. 

I am but a blog writer, don't let me be your only source of information.

However this is what worked for me.  I am not a Doctor, or a Vet.  I am however someone who has been on an "Athletic Training Diet" since 1979, so some of this is a lot of applied knowledge that came from my own trial and error.

The symptoms were that my dog got sluggish, started vomiting, and started refusing his food.  We had a bout with Diarrhea. 

The Vet suspected Pancreatitis, and after research, it seemed very likely that this was the case.   We also suspected that he has always had this but it just hadn't flared up yet.

It took a couple weeks worth of fiddling with his diet to figure this solution out.

The solution was "nuanced".  There were a few subtle things that I was doing wrong, apparently very wrong for my dog.

The result was that he's now healthy, two pounds lighter, and probably will always be on a low fat diet.


We never have completely figured out Rack's nutritional problems.  I got him as a rescue puppy with some pretty severe problems.  Worms that took three cycles of de-worming powder to kill off.  What turned out to be an allergy to poultry and grain.

His nutrition as a puppy at 7 months took him longer to get figured out than I would have liked, and it resulted in him being on the "small and light" side for the breed.

He always got the grain free dry food, when I could convince him to eat it since his teeth were naturally missing in the back.

While that is a lot to manage, it triggered my own training diet mind in gear and I figured out what was wrong.  I lost 75 pounds in 2 years when younger and have maintained a better than normal build through nutrition and exercise in the too-many years since, I should be able to figure this out.

When the prepared dry food we were giving him moved production to the US, and to a state  known for lax enforcement of food quality standards, I panicked.  The quality would suffer so we needed a different way.  That brand later had a food recall for some reason and we heard that there were dogs endangered as a result.

I was forced to prepare his own food.  Twice a week, I would take 2 1/2 pounds of cooked and browned ground beef, add water, add powder and feed him that.  He did very well on it although he got bored with it after a while.

That should have been a cue something was up.

So I did an internet search for a crock pot dog food.  Found one recipe that is human safe, although very bland - I even tasted it.  He did very well on that but it did tire him after a while.

I kept feeding him the two foods, alternating every week between recipes.

Then the Pancreatitis hit.  I recognized the symptoms from my old dog, Lettie, who had it
before she passed of kidney failure induced by "recalled dog food".  The same symptoms.  Refusing food, sluggish, loose stool, occasional vomiting.

Rack at this point is in the prime of his life.  Five years old herding dog.  Should be beyond active. 

I did some research and realized that treating him well was the problem.

We have a routine.  He gets his food at breakfast and dinner.  I rarely give him treats.  Almost never give him table scraps.

I have Pork more often than I have anything else.  I can make a pork tenderloin into something that is High End Restaurant quality.  Pork Tenderloin is a very forgiving recipe - 250F Slow oven until internally 140F.   Takes around two hours.  Marinade the Pork the night before in sauces of choice, I prefer Barbecue Sauce.

Try that recipe on Pork Loin and it works, although Pork Loin is much tougher.  Pork Loin also has a layer of fat left on it so it can soak down into the roast. 

That was the problem.

Dogs do not digest pork fat well.

Two days before the incident, I had given him the fat from the top of my lunch pork.  I did that again the next day.

The third day, he later started refusing food. 

HIS food never changed.  MY food had.  I went from the Pork Tenderloin which is just about the leanest meat you can get to Pork Loin and feeding him an ounce of fatty scraps.

On research it turns out that you should never feed a dog pork fat.  That includes Bacon.

Dogs can not digest it well, it tends to cause problems.  Like Pancreatitis.

So all snacks were cancelled.  He got a Fasting Day to clear his system of the fat.  His "regular food" was cut down to a quarter and served on a bed of white rice to be mixed in.

He began eating it slowly.

As his system cleared out, I mixed in proportionally more of the regular food.

He had a small flare up.

It turned out that the beef I was serving was a problem as well.  There was too much fat in the meat.  This was a "Utility Grade Meat" and as such had a significant quantity of added fat.  You could actually smell the fat in the resulting dog food.

Now my own cooking skills were brought to task.  I had a freezer full of Utility Grade Meat that needed to be de-fatted.

If you won't eat it, don't feed it to the dog.

Brown the meat and skim off as much fat as possible

I was getting as much as a cup of fat skimmed off of 2 1/2 pounds of "beef".

Prepare the normal recipes.

Success.

The only side effect was that he started losing weight.  That I can manage since he was acting hungry again.  His serving sizes were increased by an ounce at a time over the next couple weeks until the weight loss stopped and the begging slowed.

Now he's doing fine.  Begging for Yogurt here is at a normal level and since I make the stuff for my own use, it's not a problem.

Stools are normal.  Coat is shiny and soft.  No vomiting.

Best of all the energy level is higher than I remember it.  Which means that I get more exercise as well.

So:
  • Reduce the fat to the utmost minimum.  
  • No table scraps ever.  
  • No added sugar, ever.
  • No added salt, ever.
  • No treats of Bacon or other fat from the roasts.  

It helped him out big time.  I'm back to being run around by a herding dog with a big personality.


Sunday, August 18, 2019

An octogenarian couple were peddling their tandem bicycle. The perfect definition of fossil fuel.

As I go through things, I look to see if I can find something that genuinely makes me laugh.

Not too long, not too short, and not too lewd. 

I have that "Has to be able to be told on TV rule" although really since TV is getting edgier by the day, it should be "Has to be able to be told in First Grade".

This one here, is probably too long but it makes all the other bullet points. 

Since I need another Coffee this Sunday morning, here it is.


How Time Flies

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

———————————————————————

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

————————————————————————

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster? Because they’re a little shellfish.

Once Upon a Time I worked in a small insurance company in Jenkintown PA.  My direct boss told me this joke, which was really quite odd.  He was an older, probably old before his time, humorless man who was extremely religious and extremely uptight. 

Aren't they all?

So, there I was standing in an over-lit computer room hearing this man tell me this joke over the fans and the printers.

I guess he wasn't really all that uptight.






Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special.

Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and I replied ''Okay!''

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!!!



Only because this fits well with the next one it's Two-Fer Time!






Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want!

Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,"The funeral director would be my first guess"

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Cream Biscuits Recipe or How It Took Me Three Weeks To Make A 10 Minute Recipe

The recipe is straightforward.

2 Cups Self Rising Flour
1 1/2 Cups Heavy Cream or Whipping Cream
1 Tablespoon Sugar.

To large mixing bowl

Add 2 Cups Self Rising Flour.
Sprinkle 1 Tablespoon sugar on top and stir a little bit.
Pour 1 1/2 cups of Heavy Cream on top.
Stir until it begins to form a dough.
Continue to mix with your bare hands until it forms a "Play Doh" consistency.

The dough will go through phases where it is:
  • "mealy"
  • dry and lumpy
  • dry on the outside but one ball
  • slightly tacky and moist on the outside - STOP HERE!
Roll the dough out to 1/2 inch thickness, about the thickness of your thumb, palm down.
Use a 3 inch (about 8CM) drinking glass to cut into circles.

Cook the biscuits on a foil lined cookie sheet at 500F until tops are brown - about 10 minutes
Make sure that the biscuits are cooked fully, give them the time they need in the oven.

So my own long winded story.

I was out skating, because that is what I do.  Some of my best ideas come when my heart rate is ticking along at 173 BPM, I'm sweating like I just walked through a car wash, and I'm on eight or ten wheels.

I was thinking about getting home and having something "special" and Biscuits and Gravy came to mind.

Biscuits are one of those things that every "Good Southern Lady" has been taught how to make, and if they are successful, they do it this way because "That's How Momma Taught Me!"

Usually it takes "cutting in ice cold butter" in pea sized chunks so that the steam from the butter will help to give it height.

I'm neither Southern, nor a Woman - not that there is anything with that, nor not that there is anything wrong with not being that.

I also tend to look for shortcuts in the kitchen.

That Southern Recipe is kind of fussy and really does take practice.

The recipe up top there?  It's easy.  You just have to be patient in the oven.

That night when we went shopping I remembered I wanted the heavy cream to make these biscuits. 

Since I was going to be left alone for a couple weeks, I also had to get some ground beef for Rack, my McNab SuperDog (TM).  I ended up getting 30 pounds of ground beef which basically ate my freezer's extra space.

I never bake just one of something, and the biscuits would serve me a week of breakfasts.  But with Mr Dog's food ingredients squatting on the prime real estate in my freezer, I had to wait until the freezer drained of "extra" food.


So I watched.  Every time I opened that freezer and took something out, I did a little mental Happy Dance to think I was getting closer to being able to have those biscuits.

In later shopping trips, I did manage to over fill the house, and get some jarred gravy.  If you are reading this from outside of the US, this is not brown gravy - it's something called Red Eye Gravy, which is a white Bechamel Sauce cooked with Sausage Chunks and some black pepper to make it all savory.

This stuff is not light, it's not healthy, and it may not be something for every day, but some people do it daily, and I have seen pictures of an English Breakfast and was amazed at just how much food was on that plate!

Having been on a training diet since 1979, nobody who regularly eats an English Breakfast (Or Irish, Or Canadian, or ...) has any room to point fingers.

Once the freezer had finally been "eaten down" to creating the space for seven biscuits to go back in there, I decided it was time.

This Morning.

I made the recipe, and had the results in that picture. 

I am impatient when it comes to Biscuits.  I tend to pull them too early, and this was no different.  I did not allow them to cook the full 10 minutes, and they were raw inside.

Back in the oven you go, I ended up giving them three more minutes at 500F to get them almost perfect.

Served in a bowl with 1/4 cup of steaming hot Red Eye Sausage Gravy on top, I was in heaven.

3 weeks to get them, they had better be good!

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Why should you always hang out your laundry? Otherwise it's launwet.

His Eminence

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.

I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam!

It was time for the annual bug convention

And all the bugs were getting together and having a good time. The bees were discussing pollinating flowers, the dung beetles were discussing how to properly move dung, the earth worms how to improve soil, etc.

Well, the lady bugs were having a good time when one of them noticed the house flies doing something odd. They would stand together in a group when one would fly off and return, causing the others to laugh and cheer. This confused the lady bug and so he asked the others what they were doing.

"Oh they do this every year. They're timing how long it takes to fly from one end of the building to the other," she said.

"But why are they laughing so much? What's so great about that?" the other asked.

"Don't you know?" the other ladybug began. "Flies time when they're having fun."

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Debian Buster with XFCE4 Basics - Stopping the Windows From Going Full Screen on the Edges

This is basic, quick, and annoying.

While I can make my Debian Linux look like just about anything including a Mac, various versions of Windows, and more, I have a fairly lightly modified desktop.  I look for speed and flexibility and it shows. 

However sometimes things just don't go quite right.

I use a trackball, not a mouse.  I need it for graphics work both here on the blog and elsewhere.  The Hand Tremors we all have mean that sometimes something I do will jitter.

Sometimes I just get a little too close to the edges of the windows.

Either way it means now I have a window I am trying to move to a corner or a side has just exploded full screen or is strobing large and small in some fit of electronic insanity.

Lets stop that.

In XFCE 4:

  • Click Applications Menu.
  • Mouse over to Settings, then down to Window Manager Tweaks.
  • Click on the "Accessibility" tab.
  • Click the check box off on "Automatically tile windows when moving toward the screen edge".
  • Click close.

That's it you're done.

Enjoy.  No more weird strobing.

If you want it back, simply reverse the steps and click the box back on.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

How About a Bunch of Fifteen One Liners?

Not that this blog is setting the world on fire, but I do have some friends that keep sending me one line jokes. 

Those Dad Jokes that I use as titles for these weekend joke posts.

Suitable for all audiences.

I have a file on my desktop on my main Debian Linux Computer that I keep them and when I need one, cut, paste, publish.

I don't really understand Number 6 but here you go!




"Get Thee to a Punnery"
  1. Review of the new Mary Poppins themed restaurant: Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.
  2. Never try to teach a pig to play basketball - he'll just hog the ball.
  3. I swallowed a laxative with holy water - I'm about to start a religious movement.
  4. I once had a job at an eyeglass store but I quietly quit. I didn't want to make a spectacle.
  5. I nearly bought a hill today, but it was a bit too steep.
  6. The frog's DNA test revealed that he was a tad Polish.
  7. Some people think my puns are juvenile. I prefer to think of them as full groan.
  8. I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected"
  9. It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.
  10. The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper.
  11. What does a spy do in the rain? He goes undercover
  12. I once had a job prospecting for gold, but it didn't pan out.
  13. I just got a new job at a guillotine factory... I'll be headed there shortly.
  14. While was sitting on a bench I noticed a really foul odor - then I realized it was a pew.
  15. Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.

I can remember sitting in the big chair when I was a kid and watching all those old sit-coms from the decades before.  There was a running gag in a lot of them about relationships that had me scratching my head. 

This particular joke reminds me of one of those plots.  Married couple, relationship has gone stale, and instead of talking they're using a mediator to do what they should do themselves.


With a twist.

The moral of the story?  Don't watch old sit-coms.




After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.

The therapist turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

What Does A Lava Lamp Look Like When Shaken? A Tradition.

Way back in the day, all my hippy dippy old Boomer friends had these things. 
I liked them and I guess there may have been a little hero worship built in.

So eventually, at a scratch and dent sale in Best Products (R.I.P.) on Woodhaven Road in Bensalem, I found one. 

Yoink.  It's been mine for ... decades I guess.

I had always been told "if you shake it, it will never be right again".

Being the "curious" type, I did.  It took about a week and a half to settle back to looking normal.

I mentioned it to a friend that you can do that.  Get the light all nice and hot and vigorously shake the thing.  It will turn solid red, or whatever color the wax is, and two weeks later, you will be right back to normal.

The response "NOOOOO!  Mr Bill!  Don't Shake Me!  NOOOOO!".

Never been one to take no for an answer here. 

I responded "So, what?  This is 'Don't Shake Me Bro?".

You can see the result.

At least I got a giggle out of that comment.

Granted this is from an older picture.  Every time that friend goes away, the last night before he goes, I shake the living daylights out of the Lava Lamp

Besides, it gives me something to look at and obsess over.

My friend is going to Douglas, The Isle Of Man for three weeks.  He'll hardly know it ever got shaken.

Tradition, my man, Tradition!

Sunday, July 28, 2019

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Have you ever read something and had to read it twice before you got it?

Well this isn't one of them.  It's just a bit strange.


A boy named Tommy Bought a horse...

from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."

The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

Saturday, July 27, 2019

I make bad puns. That's how eye roll.

Ok, so if you're underaged, overly prissy, or don't like suggestive humor hand it to your kid because there are No Bad Words here.





A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier responds, "You look 29 years young!"

The man is flattered and responds, "Why thank you! I'm actually 50!"

Next, the man goes to a meat market and asks the butcher:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The butcher replies, "You look pretty young. I'm guessing about 27."

Again, the man is flattered. "Why thank you! I'm actually 50!"

The man is strolling around town looking for another pedestrian to guess his age. He comes across an elderly woman who appears to be friendly.

"Excuse me miss, I hate to bother you, but how old do you think I am?" the man asks.

The woman replies, "I'm sorry mister but I've lost my vision from old age and I could only guess your age if I felt the inside of your pants."

The man is reluctant at first. But then he decides to just go with it. He unzips his pants and lets the woman stick her hands inside. She feels around for a bit and then removes her hands from his pants.

"You're 50 years old!" she says.

The man is astonished. "What?! How did you know?!" he asks.

"I was right behind you at the meat market." She replies.

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Baby Sitting Bear, the Chow. An Old Herding Dog Owner Can Learn New Tricks

I got the request about a month ago.  I caved.  I forgot that if you are going to babysit another
person's dog, you should only do it at home.

Your home.  Only.

If your dog and theirs don't get on, you should not do it.

Mind you, Bear, the other dog, and Rack, my own dog, get on quite well.  However Rack's personality quirk of being explosively happy with almost every dog on the planet does not mesh well with many dogs.

I did not want to take the chance with Bear, and Bear lives across the street and a few houses down.

So, great, now I have another dog for about 2 weeks.  How do I manage.  After all, I'm used to having Herding Dogs.  18 years of almost continuously living with McNab dogs have led me to expect specific behavior.

Bear is a Chow.  He looks like a teddy bear.  His fur is the consistency of the stuffing of my living room sofa or a new pillow.  He likes me, and the feeling is mutual. 

But if you want to know someone, you have to try to live with them.  Since we are talking about a dog, we are also talking about a creature that has been raised to expect certain behaviors that may be risky or unacceptable - to you.

Never did this, lets dive in. 

First walk out, Bear was expecting to be the Hunter, and not be told where and how he may walk.  Oh sure, he's got his walks, but he's decided that every single Lizard on the planet is to be eaten.

Not a good idea, Lizards carry salmonella and I am not interested in packing a 70 pound dog into my Jeep and visiting a vet. 

I had to teach him "No".  Simple concept huh?  You see, I was almost pulled down by Bear.  There's a little alcove just left of the apartment where on each side of a door is a palm cluster.  Perfect place for the little critters to live and Bear attacks it every time through.  Not wanting to be face down on the pavement kissing concrete, "NO!" was said every time we went past it. 

With four walks a day, by day 2 the charging at the walls lessened, by day 3 that spot was off limit.

Yes, Bear was learning.

He was still as slow as molasses, but he was now more manageable.


Old Dogs Can Learn New Tricks.

Next step.  I had to relax on the walks.  These weren't so much of a walk as a very slow trudge around the place. 

This was because he was a Chow and they only need about 20 minutes of walking a day.  Total.  I had to look that one up.  Both me and my Rack are athletic.  I think a walk of anything less than a half mile is short. Bear on the other hand, no way.  I had to come back for that second walk of a day to "empty the dog" on those palm trees. 

He refused to go off property.  I didn't understand it but it did sink in.  We are in South Florida, in summer, and the Lunch Hour is VERY bright.  Sun angles of about 85 degrees at this time of year.  92F yesterday.   Almost "Due Up".

Try that wearing a fur coat that will stop every breeze in its tracks.   I realized that this was the case when I saw him hunting the tiny little bits of shade we had around the building.

I'll hold off walking the boy until the later walks, just let him "Have His Head" and decide where he wanted to go.

Here we are mid week.  The first walk was much easier.  He did a lap around the building, spotted one Lizard and looked at me before he walked over to it.

How a 70 pound dog can pull down a tall man of 223.4 pounds (this morning) is a bit of a surprise.  Bear is overweight, but he is a muscular overweight.

A much better reaction.  But that was it, we went for a walk, he did what he needed to, and we came back home.

I've simplified and rationalized his food recipe.  There is way too much salt in the recipe, however I'm going to hold off managing that for them.  Have a chat with the owner and make sure that he understands that a dog of 70 pounds should never have any more than 200mg salt per day.
 I'm not a vet, I only play a Know-It-All on a blog.

Sitting with him after his breakfast early this morning though, he was looking for attention, and giving me warm vibes with his brown eyes.

Yeah, Bear's a good dog.  11 out of 10.  Good boy.

Now, if I can only get through this week.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

I’m addicted to break fluid. Don’t worry, I can stop at any time.

This kind of story.  Well, of course it made me laugh, but a sly laugh.  You see, it's important to listen, no matter who or what you are or what you think you are.


After all someone may just be able to teach you something.




The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."

The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a living, I have nothing to do with drugs. Get off my property."

At this the DEA agent becomes annoyed and pulls out the warrant: "Sir this warrant allows me search this entire property, if you attempt to hinder my investigation, you will be put under arrest."

The farmer, accepting defeat, replies: "Ok fine, search all you want, I won't get in your way. Oh, but whatever you do, don't go into that far field over there."

The DEA explodes with anger at this, gets right up in the farmer's face waving his warrant: "I AM AN OFFICER OF THE LAW! THIS WARRANT GIVES ME THE POWER TO SEARCH EVERY INCH OF THIS FARM, AND THAT'S WHAT i'M GONNA DO. NOTHING CAN STOP ME!"

So the farmer gives up and lets the agent carry out his investigation. After some time the agent has searched almost all of the property and found nothing illegal. The only place left to search was the far field the farmer had warned him about. As the DEA agent is walking towards it, the old farmer chimes in again: "Officer I am only saying this for your own good, do not go into that field."

The DEA agent explodes again: "I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN OLD MAN. I HAVE A WARRANT AND I WILL GO WHERE I WANT!"

The farmer is calm and just replies: "Ok, don't say you weren't warned."

So the DEA agent climbs the fence into the field. He searches around and again finds nothing. Determined not to be defeated, the agent walks to the very far end of the field in hopes of finding something. Seconds later the farmer sees him running back towards him in a massive panic, and the farmer knew exactly why. His massive bull Bruce lived in that field, and he was a grumpy old bull. The DEA agent shouts at the farmer: "HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!"

The farmer shouts over to him: QUICKLY!, SHOW HIM YOUR WARRANT!"

Saturday, July 20, 2019

What is an attempted murder? A very small group of crows.


I have a well earned reputation of liking jokes that are harmless, silly, and full of puns.

This is one of those stories.  Then again, it's also a long one.




A farmer named Carl finds a baby giraffe

A farmer named Carl was driving down the road when he saw a box on the side of the road. Carl pulled over and was shocked to see that inside the box there was a baby giraffe. Carl leaned down and said “holy crap, how did you get here little buddy?”. To his astonishment, the giraffe looked up and said “howdy! my name is Jerry, I’m not sure how I got here”. Carl agreed that he would take Jerry home and try to figure out where he came from and give him a place to sleep for the night.

Carl and Jerry immediately took to each other. It was clear that Jerry has suffered some type of head injury and couldn’t remember anything before Carl picking him up. Over the next few weeks, Carl helped nurse Jerry back to health, and after some deliberation, decided that he would adopt Jerry the giraffe and let him live on his farm with the other animals.

Years went by and Carl and Jerry became the best of friends. On Jerry’s 8th birthday, Carl asked Jerry what he would want to do on his birthday. Jerry decided that he had always wanted to go to the movies. Every time they had thought about going before, they declined going because of, you know, Jerrys large neck blocking everyone’s view. Carl agreed that they would get there early so they could sit in the last row and not disturb any of the other movie goers.

Before going to the movie, Carl brought out a large sheet cake to celebrate Jerry’s birthday. Jerry, who was never allowed to have cake before, immediately ate the entire cake in three quick bites. Carl was bummed that he didn’t get any cake, but cut Jerry some slack because it was his birthday and he had never had cake before. At this point, Jerry had grown quite large and Carl also quickly realized that he should have gotten a bigger cake.

Off to the movies they went, Jerry sitting on a trailer towed behind Carl’s pickup truck. Jerry had to crouch over completely to get through the front door, but just barely made it into the theater lobby. Once in the theater, Jerry got a sudden head rush from all of the sugar in the birthday cake, and began to get dizzy. He spun around several times, and flopped over the popcorn counter nearly crushing the server and breaking the glass candy display in the process.

The manager of the theater came running out after hearing the commotion. The manager looked at Carl and pointing his finger directly at Jerry said, “Sir, does this animal belong to you?”

Carl responded: “Yes, sir. His name is Jerry and this is his first time at the movies”

The manager shook his head and looking over at Jerry said “you will have to pay for a new counter, and you can’t leave that lyin around here”.

Carl replied “Oh sir, that’s not a lyin, it’s a giraffe”

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

New Black Ice Trail at Pompano Airpark

They have been working on this since April.  Planning stage was of course, before that.

But, it's finally at a point where it's interesting.  It being the trail at Pompano Airpark.

The entire trail is 4.5 miles plus another mile or so on the south side of the park that parallels the main trail. 

For a Biker, that's a bit of a short run.  I used to get in 50 miles in a workout which just was a logistic nightmare, imagine going 11 times around this little loop for a weekend excursion.

I'm surprised when I see joggers running the entire trail in the heat we get here, but then again I used to run 10K at Valley Forge National Park in Pennsylvania so I shouldn't second guess someone else's workouts.

Walkers do segments of this trail as well.  Some even the entire trail. 

I have even seen a few, very few, skateboards but this isn't really their thing.

Well good for you folks, it's a good workout.

Why is this exciting enough for me to ramble on about it? 
Why is this just so totally Droolworthy?

Think about skating in a rink.  If you're on the old school quads, it's on a rink.  Polished floors of either wood or concrete.  Flat as a plank, smooth as a pancake.

Or the other way around.

Point is that it is a very specific sort of a place.

Inline skating is done outdoors.  Usually on some truly horrendous surfaces.  Sometimes on city streets.

You really can't skate on streets in South Florida.  The cars will hunt you down for sport.  Trust me, it has happened more than once to me.

There is a scene of skating at the beach.  Personally, I can't see that, but admittedly I have a different goal when I am out.  Way too crowded, the surface is either textured concrete or bricks.  Can't get any speed out of that.

Now, consider Endurance or Distance Skating.  I used to skate 33 miles, three times a week, all at 15mph average for my workouts.  Can't really do that here. 

However with this trail, I can do some distance.  That 4.5 mile loop I was talking about.



The City of Pompano Beach decided it was time to resurface the trail.  I've skated on worse but I won't argue it could easily have been justified.  I certainly won't miss the divots caused by subsidence at the Four Mile Mark or those repaired strips under the pavement in the second mile.

They're all gone.

It's currently 2.5 miles all in one trail, plus an extra "bonus" mile on the other side of the south side of the park.

But it is smooth.  I mean SMOOTH!  As smooth as some rinks I have skated.  Polished.

Oh sure, it's flat as a pancake just like the rest of South Florida up to Titusville.  I've forgotten what it is like to skate on a hill since I moved here.  But this is like stepping onto an interstate highway after driving off road for so many years.

Must have been.  Every time I checked my heart rate while I skated it last, I was up above 180 BPM because I was skating so fast on it without thinking.



So if you do come to South Florida looking for a safer place to skate than at the beach, bring a lot of water.  They do need to get the water stops sorted out.  A part of the improvements is to add restrooms at the beginning of the trail at NE 10th and Federal Highway.

Besides, that sun is almost directly overhead and in our humidity and heat it gets difficult to make that run between the too few water stops.

But you will enjoy it.  How often do you get to skate black ice for 2.5 miles uninterrupted.

Now when they do the other two miles of the trails, it will be rather nice until the sun eats that asphalt away.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

What kind of wine comes in a Box? Cardbordeaux

Yesterday was animals, and so is today.  Dogs and Penguins!

Oh and it's a two-fer since they're both modestly sized.



A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks.
He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder.
Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer.

At the last second he sees a tiny dog where he was just about to step.
Getting in the house he asks his friend "why do you have a "Beware of Dog" sign if the dog is so small"
"Do you know how many people stepped on him before I got the sign?"





So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives off.

A week later the same guy pulled up to the same light and sees the guy from last week with his car full of penguins again.

'I thought your were going to take the penguins to the zoo?'

'I did, and we had a great time! This week were going to the beach!'

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.



So walking through the neighborhood every day, I see a lot of dog walkers.  Some are incredibly trained - badly.  Including the Wanna-Be Dog Trainer at the end of the block whose dogs have a nasty habit of leaping the fence and coming after us.

On the other hand, I have met some incredibly well trained dogs.  Rack has a way to go, he's over eager to meet people but does not have a mean bone in his body.

I had a neighbor with a 160 pound Rottweiler that was named "D. O. G."  Yes, It's said that "Dio-Gee".  He's gone now but as a result I have good memories of the breed. 

I bet these folks have the same thing to say about Rotties.





A robber crawls through the window of an empty house.

He begins stuffing jewelry into a pillow case, but is interrupted by a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."

He is freaked out, of course, but decides that checking it out with a flashlight would attract people. He makes a vow that this will be his last job, and continues emptying the box.

"Jesus is watching you." The voice came again, even louder this time.

The robber decides he's has enough, and turns on his flashlight before sweeping it around the room. It eventually came across a beautiful parrot.

"Oi, were you the one talking?" The robber asks angrily.

"Yes. My name is Moses." The parrot replies.

The robber begins to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. "What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"

"The same kind who name their rottweiler Jesus."

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Banana Leaves With A Side of Sparkle

6 months of Desert, 6 months of torrential rain.

That's our climate.  I did see a map once that said that Fort Lauderdale and coastal Broward County are considered a Rainforest Climate according to the Koppen criteria.

It never freezes here, but it gets damn close.

The rains just finally opened up this week.  They got so strong and so commonplace, even though they're late, that my dog is going through Panic Attacks going out at night.

I will say that it's probably due to the combination of Rain, Thunder, and Fireworks that happen this week.  If I had a place way out away from everyone, we would be there.

The nice thing is that when you get up in the morning, the world is washed clean.  You have the streets scoured of anything that was killed on them over the last few months, the dust runs off to the soil, and the air smells cleaner than usual.

Where I am, 2 1/2 miles or about 4 K from the ocean, there isn't much pollution coming from the east.  What we do get are dust clouds from the Sahara Desert.

Seriously. 

As in every time I take the Jeep out I have to hose it down.

As in I just spent an hour dusting the room divider of that stuff.

Going out into the morning makes you see why things are green and lush.  My plants are loving this weather.  I'm liking going out after a rain storm and seeing temperatures edging down towards what passes for cool here.

The plants are dusted clean, and usually there's a mist covering their leaves.

That is what caught my eye.  I was walking around my yard picking up things.  In the corner of my eye, my Banana Tree sparkled this morning.  Like one of those cartoons when you see things cleaned and you hear "ping ping PING!".

The leaves were misted with tiny jewels of water droplets.  Each droplet catching the light like a band of that reflective paint.  Some bending the light and giving me a show.

I've said it before, if you look, you can even find beauty in your own back yard and in your own pots.

In this case, I caught it, even if it did have to be enhanced by the sun in the golden hour after sunrise.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

How do you confuse an idiot? Purple!


A Sunday School Story for Sunday?  Yes, sometimes I actually hit the right day for these things.  I will say I consider myself fortunate to never have experienced that particular form of Indoctrination personally.


But it is a cute story nonetheless.




A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about.

He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him.
She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.

The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her.

To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.
Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

When chemists die they Barium.

While this is a "Wife" joke, and there are far too many of them, I have always appreciated what I associate with Jewish Humor.  There's a certain cadence and rhythm to the joke and a certain understated playfulness in this one.

Or not.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Couldn't hurt to tell a joke, right?    Like the line about Chicken Soup for a cold:  Doesn't help, couldn't hurt.





































































An elderly couple had traveled to Jerusalem.

During their travel to Jerusalem, the wife had suddenly died of heart attack.

The doctor told the husband, "It will cost roughly $100,000 for you to bring your wife back to your own country and hold a funeral there or $100 dollars to hold a funeral here in Jerusalem. Which one do you chose?"

The husband, after hours of thinking, replied to the doctor.

"I will bring her back to my county and bury her there."

The doctor who is surprised at such choice despite the cost, asked the husband why.

The husband replied, "Some long haired dude died here long time ago and came back to life in 3 days, and I'm afraid of, that."


Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Welcome to Florida, we have overly friendly wildlife.

The first time wildlife encountered me was in my very own backyard.

I've been fascinated by the various lizards that roam around the place here.  Standing in the yard I spotted a rather common lizard.  Something scared it.

Might have been me, I have that effect on some people, and some wildlife.

Might not have been.

The lizard ran onto my shoe, then right up my leg.

And up the pant leg.

I've heard of ants in my pants but never a lizard on my lizard.

I've had posionous toads hop onto my foot while I was picking up after my dog.

I've had more Iguanas turn up in the Bougainvillias and Hibiscus in the yard than I care to count.

Nasty creatures, Iguanas.  No reason for them to be here at all.

Seventeen Ducks making more ducks on my front porch.

This was a much more gentle encounter.

A normal five in the evening Dog Walk.  It's been really quite intensely hot.  90 to 95 in brilliant sun.

Walking around the block and heading toward home, a "something" fluttered around my head and landed on my friend's arm.

A rather beautiful Butterfly.  Mostly black winged, some iridescent blue spots.

Basic Black.  Everyone looks better in basic black.

Being a butterfly, it was completely harmless, and it paid a rather long visit walking around my friends T-shirt, up one arm, down the other and hanging out.

As soon as it started it was over when the little creature went on its way.

I guess it wanted a bit of a rest.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

Why do the shoes always lose?! Because of defeat!

Sunday Morning.  Banging my head against Spanish tests on line.  It gets frustrating if the "construct" isn't explained easily enough that you can grasp it.


You know.  It's not Why Can't Johnny Learn, but more like Why Can't The Teacher Make Themselves Understood.

So that may be a bit harsh, but I needed a break.  Screaming at the computer does not help...

But laughing at it does.  








A priest, pastor, and clergyman are sitting in a boat, fishing.

Around 7p.m. , it starts to get dark and the three have to get to shore.
Unfortunately , they hit a rock while rowing back and the boat springs a leak.
The 3 begin sinking.

The clergyman and priest begin freaking out, but then the pastor says, "guys, relax! We have faith in Jesus, remember?
If we pray to Jesus with true faith that Jesus will protect us, we can walk on water!"

The pastor prays, and then gets out of the boat.
The priest and clergyman watch in awe as he walks across the water and safely reaches the shore.

The priest says, "If God protected him, He will protect me, too!".
He prays, and proceeds to exit the boat and walk safely across the water to join the pastor on the shore.

The clergyman says, "Well, if they can do it, I can do it too!".
So he prays, and gets out of the boat, only to begin sinking.

As the priest and pastor watch the clergyman's head become surrounded by water, they look at each other and the pastor asks a single question.

"Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"


Saturday, June 29, 2019

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful but I've told wurst.

See here's the thing.  That phrase You Are What You Eat is becoming more and more proven as we go on.  Food here in the US is generally free of strange accidental things like bugs and dirt, but unfortunately is chock full of sugar and artificial chemicals. 



So either make your own from safe ingredients, or suffer the consequences.

Just like this person here.








My friend has intestinal problems.

However, he's found that eating certain kinds of food helps. Normally, he keeps them all to himself, but the other day he got really sick and had nothing to eat, so I offered to pick him up some groceries.

"Sure thing... Could you get some apples, beans, and alphabet soup?"

Now, apples and beans I'd heard help with his particular set of problems, but the soup was news to me. I didn't comment on it at time, though, since I figured he probably just wanted something quick to eat that wouldn't hurt his intestines.

So I go to the store, pick up these groceries, and drive them straight to his house. I go in to set them down, and he immediately asks for some of the soup. I figure the poor guy must be starving, so I go ahead and heat some up and bring it to him.

Soon as I do, be chugs it down and immediately runs off to the bathroom. When he comes back, he tells me he's feeling much better.

"Great news, but how did that work?"

"Ah, turns out I just needed a good vowel movement."

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

The Square Pot, Or How Eric's Planter is Becoming A Herb Farm

A while back, a local friend, Eric, gave me a bunch of planters.

He was moving from his apartment only a few blocks away to another one a little further out.  That old place had a patio area where he could have his planters, and raised an interesting collection of flowers and milkweed. 

I also got most of his milkweed and it's out in my backyard under various cover so that some gets eaten to sticks by hungry Monarch Butterflies, but not all of it.

He did have this one nicer planter.  It is a square on top, almost a cube.  He wanted it back once he landed and since I have the room, I was going to hang onto it for him when he came calling for it.

I did wait a while, but he never asked for it back after settling in.

Typical to my own quirky behavior, if I have a spare planter, it will get used.

I moved it out to my front porch and clipped a few cuttings off my Ruellia.  I have rather a lot of Ruellia, and it does spread somewhat, so there's a small background noise of me cutting plants and debating Throw Or Cut.

This was one of those days.  Smiling I said "Lets make a planter for Eric". 

Ruellia Cuttings will mope and look dead or dying for a month but almost always snap back alive with generous watering.  Just snip the cutting below a knuckle where the leaves come out and you're golden.  The Ruellia was only planted on one half of the planter and I was going to put something else in there.

Basil.  I have a lot of the stuff, and as a result I also have a lot of seeds.  Two weeks later the Basil has started to sprout.

Mind you, I wandered out there looking over the pot a morning later and was having breakfast.  Some Canteloupe with seeds fell out of the bowl and landed in a corner.  Weirdly, the Canteloupe sprouted.

I really have no idea if I will manage to get anything out of the Canteloupe but this weird little garden will be in that spot for a while.   If the vines do grow up and out of the pot, I can let them grow into my garden in front of it.

This all comes from the theory of when something nice happens, even for a small while, do something nice in return.

The other day I contacted Eric and told him this story and he generously told me to keep it as he doesn't have space.

It's taken root here I guess, purple flowers blooming every single day and the Basil that was meant to go into someone else's tomato sauce will go into mine. 

Who doesn't like Fresh Basil!?

So Thanks, Eric, I'm out to put more cuttings in that pot. 

Sunday, June 23, 2019

I got a new dry erase board at work. It's remarkable!

You really do have to be careful when you speak. 


While I try, I have managed to confuse myself in two languages.

This is one of those stories.





Two students are late for school, so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's not really worth an offense worth going to the principal's office over. Heck, I loved doing things like that when I was a kid!" Pretending to be dead serious so that the boy might shape up a little, he slowly says, "Well, knock it off and get to class on time from now on. You won't get off as easy if I see you back in here after this." The boy furiously nods his head and practically sprints out of the office.

As soon as the door closes, the other boy comes in after him and sits down in front of the principal's desk. The principal asks him why he's late, and he gives the exact same response - he was throwing sticks in the lake. A bit annoyed now, but understanding that the boys were just enjoying themselves together, and reminiscing on his own youth, the principal tells him, "I'll let you off the hook this time, but go to class and come to school on time. You're here to learn - don't squander your opportunities by goofing off." The student, now red in the face, gives a faint "Yes" and leaves the office. Satisfied, the principal smiles, leans back in his chair, and thinks to himself, "These kids aren't so bad. I think I'll like it here."

No sooner than the instant he finishes that thought, the door swings open for a third time, and a boy who looks to be about as old as the other two slowly walks into the office, soaking wet, completely disheveled and tracking mud everywhere he steps. He gets to the chair the other students sat at before him, angrily grumbles to himself, and sits down in a huff, furiously staring at the tiled floor. The principal, a bit fed up at this point, but still not wanting to be overly harsh, jokingly says, "Let me guess: throwing sticks in the lake with your friends, and you bit off a little more than you could chew?"

The boy, seething, snaps, "No - I'm Sticks."