Sunday, March 29, 2020

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig. It's a look that anyone can pull off.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Why can't big cats use tools? Because cheetahs never prosper.

I had the "pleasure" of listening in on a meeting that was populated by Lawyers.  As I sat there listening to these people jockeying for position I realized a few simple things.

One, they are paid by the word, not to be concise.  It lasted way too long.
Two, it could have been solved if everyone just "Whipped It Out And Measured It".
Three, The TV Series Better Call Saul is not fiction, it is a Documentary and Vince Gilligan is an incredible writer.

In that vein, I give you a Lawyer Story:

Lawyer story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bill s that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, '

So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you ??

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Making a Surgical Mask For COVID-19 Might Be Easier With Sewing Hem Tape

I am going to make a surgical mask to "survive" a doctor's trip tomorrow (as of this writing).

This is definitely NOT one of those "N95" masks that you hear about.  This is a stopgap measure designed to slow down things, and while it is designed after what hospitals are asking as donations, anything like this is used at your own risk.  "Better than nothing" is all we seem to be getting these days anyway since hording seems to be out of control.

Oh, and wash this after one outing.  That's true with any mask.  I'll be throwing mine into the washer on Hot when I get back.  You may want to soak yours in Alcohol as an alternative.

It is all up to you.

If this sounds vague, I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice other than Be Careful Out There.

This will not be fancy, and it will be easily made because I will be using Hem Tape instead of sewing things together.  If you don't have a sewing machine, this will work.

Mine did work for me.  If you get nothing more from this article - use Hem Tape if you can't or won't use needle and thread.

If you don't know what it is, it's a 1/2 inch wide (or so) strip of synthetic fabric that has a "low" melting point.  You place this within a seam, use a hot iron to press the fabric.  The Hem Tape melts and bonds with the fabric.  It is not permanent, but I have had tape hold in a seam for more than a decade.

After looking at a number of videos and reading plans, I realized that you can simply heat the iron and press in some hem tape. 

The result will look like something out of the TV Show MASH with ties instead of elastic.

Since this is done for ease, it may be a bit crooked.  It's ok, Crooked can save your life too.

The basics are a 9x6 inch rectangle that is an envelope open at top..
The open area at top is so you can slide in a filter material if you have access to any.

It is made with a tightly woven fabric and is two ply - a top and a bottom layer.
Mine will be made from an old bandana I got at a street fair given to me for my dog.
The two ends have ties or strings on them to tie behind the head. 
There is one pleat on it to help shape it to the face, but typically there are three of them.
I only put one in mine because it seemed enough.

Any raw edges that have been cut will have to be hemmed or taped closed so you don't have it unraveling in use.

This assumes Hem Tape is 1/2 inch Wide.
  • Cut your fabric to 10 inch by 12.
  • Iron your fabric flat.
  • Fold fabric in half, pattern outside.
  • It will be 10 inches by 6 when done.
  • Iron the fold to ensure it lays flat then turn it inside-out again to work on the seams.
  • Pin or lay some hem tape on the very top of the cut long side(s) opposite of the fold and hem that side closed. 
  • Do this so that the fold faces you.
  • Flip and repeat for the other top side.
  • Hem the shorter sides together.  
  • This will create an envelope that is inside out, and open at the top.

Turn the mask inside out.  Now you are looking at what will be the "outside" of the mask.

  • Pleats seem to be optional but to add them, pinch the edges together along the short sides.
  • This can be repeated up to three times but I only did one.
  • Use a 1/2-1 inch long piece of Hem Tape to close your Pleat.
  • Cut the piece of hem tape to fit.
  • Slide it inside of the mask against the side and add your pleat.
  • Heat the pleat until it sets.
  • Repeat the pleats on each side of the mask.

Ties to hold the mask in place can be made from rubber bands or by sewing laces to each corner to be tied behind the head.
I will make my own ties with the extra fabric from construction.

In testing the mask, the ties held well fastened behind my head, the mask seemed that it will work for the short work that will be required of it.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

With what's going on these days, half of us will end up being great bakers and cooks, the rest of us will need to start AA soon.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says "at least he got ice on it right away."

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

What do you get if you eat onions with beans? Teargas.

Saturdays are for cooking.  Much to the chagrin of those around me, my plans are to make some Refried Beans.  Mexican spices, of course.  

I have a small amount of beans soaking since 1030 last night, so that's 11 hours by my watch. 

I'll let you know how it goes with the recipe.  Seems like Abuelita has some tricks up her sleeves, and I do enjoy a good Plato de Refritos on the side of my Taco Casserole.

But meanwhile...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Please dad, with cranberries

Dad, can we have a dog for Christmas? Please, please, please!

Sorry children, I think we'll go with turkey as usual

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

COVID-19 Killed My Outdoor Workout And It Killed Yours Too

Hey!  You!  Listen to The Coach, stay the hell home!  You don't want COVID-19.

Great, now that we have gotten that out of the way, if I'm a little grumpy I'm trying to remove 500 calories a day out of my daily diet because I am home and can't workout.  I will be dusting off the Bowflex home gym today.

It's all because I got a lesson in Social Distancing.

I workout at Pompano Beach Airpark.  It is a 4.5 mile outdoor loop around an airport and a golf course here in South Florida.  It has benches and three water stops.  Flat as a pancake even if they did put speed bumps on the trail itself for the blind.

Whoever made that decision, needs to have a talking to.  The speed bumps at the .6 mile marker (1 KM West of the southern start of the loop) are enough to make an elite inline skater fall down. 

Can you file them down a bit, they're excessive!

Never the less, I have a complicated set of maneuvers that give me a 14 mile workout
without ever hitting a street or that particular speed bump.  There are people Skating, as well as Bikers, Runners, Walkers, and people out strolling to enjoy the setting.

I have been going there for a year and a half and it shows.  I'm in markedly better physical
condition than the average person in the US at my age group.  A workout is 1700 to 2200 calories, generally twice a week.

The last time I went there, I went specifically to ask the question "Is it safe to continue skating". 

The answer is a resounding NO.  Emphatically.

First, about half of the people normally working out are staying away.  I have a few people I know well and all of them were gone.  The Canadians are heading back North, and the locals are skipping it too.

Second, that Golf Course?  Easily half of the old duffers were missing.  The line for a Golf Cart was gone, there was nobody sitting on the bench that I use at mid workout.  Even the Pro Shop was idle.

Finally, the parking lot was down by about 2/3.

While we all make decisions that effect ourselves, the decision to employ Social Distancing effects others as well.  If you have COVID-19, it does not pass it to someone if you aren't there to do that deed.   Also you can't pick it up if you aren't drinking from a contaminated water fountain or sitting on a contaminated park bench.

I'm done for the duration.  The skates will all be "refurbished" for the next workout, hopefully sooner than later. 

But, Stay Home

Walk your dogs longer.  Go out before dawn and get some exercise when nobody else is awake.   There were a few people still out but this morning's one mile walk was completely alone and I live in the middle of a populated area.

Your health will thank you.

If you are an outdoor workout person, I did think that you can do it safely if you do a few things.

  • Bring what you need to keep yourself safe.  Sanitizer and a mask are helpful if you have enough.
  • Obviously - Social Distancing - Stay away from others.  If someone coughs and you run through it, you're exposed.
  • Don't touch anything or anyone.
  • Don't use the facilities.
  • Don't drink the water, bring your own and bring extra.  
  • Don't use the benches unless they are in full sun and consider wiping them down with full strength rubbing alcohol or other sanitizers.

Don't fall.  That's just good for any other normal day.  Falling hurts.

Maybe this autumn I will see you all again but for now, I'm looking for my skate box.  I have bearings to tear down and re-lube.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home????? Wheres popcorn.

Ok not that you really SHOULD do this.  Just keep it in mind when you're standing in those long lines waiting for your turn at the checker while watching everyone else panic buy. 

Then smile.  Or try to.

Oh, I could use some Milk and Eggs.  I want to do some baking!

15 Things To Do At The Supermarket

    Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

    Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

    While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

    Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "

There is no toilet paper in here!"

Saturday, March 14, 2020

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long? A pi-thon!

Any good story, even these jokes that have a nasty tendency to lean towards the "Dad" variety that I post here, have a germ of truth in them.

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

How Different Is Preparing for Coronavirus from Hurricane Prep

Image by ds_30 from Pixabay
Time for a bit of a ramble here.  After all, this is Ramblingmoose...

I am not so sure how different preparing for a feared quarantine is from Hurricane Prep, but here we go.

I have lived in South Florida since April 2006.  While we have had some near misses, we have to prepare for every hurricane like we're going to be directly hit by a storm that will be strong enough to take the power out for an extended period of time.

Every year, usually in June, but it extends back into May and forward as shopping trips allow as far as August, we start to shop.

Normal shopping shifts from How Can We Fill The Freezer to How Can We NOT Fill The Freezer.  Only get things you actually WANT to eat.

Just Be Reasonable About All Of This.

There's a story of two new immigrants from Syria in the Dearborn Michigan area.  Their country was damaged by the war that is lingering there and they escaped.  They were in the supermarket not knowing each other and one asked "So how long have you been away from Syria".  The other responded "Not long, but look at these fools buying frozen food".  They could tell by looking in each other's shopping carts.

Basically, when the power goes out, most of the effort of keeping things from going wrong in your life will be expended in making sure that your frozen foods don't melt.

So, don't buy them.  Look for temperature stable foods, canned goods, and a REASONABLE amount of toilet paper and paper towels.

If you're buying up hundreds of rolls of toilet paper, you're a fool.  One roll per person per week is my estimate.  Even if you double that, 100 rolls lasts a year.  My own experience is about a roll of paper towels in about two weeks or so.  More if I am clumsy.

Water is much more important but ask yourself how often has water been completely absent from your life.  I can honestly say less than four hours in the metropolitan areas that I have lived in and it was because someone named "Gator" was working on our water supply pipes.

Slow down, for you to lose water service, you're talking a Mad Max kind of post-apocalyptic situation.  Get a case of bottled water, maybe two per person and fill your own jugs when things go bad.

Power is much more likely to go out on a given day than water.  I've had power pops almost every single week that I have lived in South Florida.  Power was two weeks off for Hurricane Irma.  Hurricane Dorian would have been much worse for Fort Lauderdale had it not punished the Bahamas so badly.

Your food in the fridge is now suspect when the power goes out for long.  The freezer has melted.  Prefer to eat your frozen food now before problems arise, put freezer blocks in the freezer once space appears.

Got a generator?  Enough Fuel?  I'm guessing that gasoline will be the next thing people will be chasing after.

But the Russians seem to have us taken care of with that.   After all, they're flooding the markets and pushing prices downwards.  I wonder how long it will be before gas is below $2 a gallon again?

Just be reasonable.  If you are tripping over huge amounts of frozen and refrigerated foods, you're not doing your best work.  On the other hand, extra canned and dry pasta is worth the effort. 

Since it is Strawberry Season, I'll be canning Strawberry Jam this week to go with the Peanut Butter I have from Last Hurricane Season.  After all, fresh fruit doesn't stay fresh forever.

Besides you are really going to be sick of canned meat once we're back to normal in a while.

Anyone want a Tuna Hoagie?  Mmmm!  Can I trade a roll of TP for a tomato and an onion?

Sunday, March 8, 2020

Two Jealous Husband Jokes that belong together

Personally I find Jealous Husbands at least a bit tedious and most certainly more than a bit unstable.  But when I encountered these two jokes, I just thought they belonged together.

A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

I'm a Jealous Husband

My wife went to NYC to meet an old friend for a few days. I stayed home with our son. She was texting me pictures of the things she was seeing and I kept saying how jealous I was.

She and her friend went to a Broadway show and she texted me a picture of the stage from their seats before it started.

I replied "Man, I need some peanut butter."

It was really hard to do, but I waited for her to reply, giggling to myself like an idiot the whole time. Finally, four hours later after the show was over, I got the text:

"Why do you need peanut butter?"

Me: "Because I'm so jelly."

Saturday, March 7, 2020

What deer is really a cow? The moooooooose!

In this day of hype and other craziness, this is a story about a boy that has a different kind of malady.  

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question

“Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”

“ Well if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing”

The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked a another question “And what is it that you have that I don’t?”

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said

“Only two dollars in change”

And he ran out of parlor

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Involuntary Shamrocks

So do you like my weeds?

If you blink, Shamrocks happen.

Really, that was how these little gems came to be.

You see this was once my Mint Pot.  You never should plant mint in your ground because it propagates incredibly well.  Cuttings and seeds both will just grow and take over.

Your grass will be changed over to mint. 

Mind you, you can always make tea out of the stuff, and I have.  It's quite nice, this specific mint, and I will be restarting the pot in a while.  But it had died back, and there was one lone shamrock growing there.

I let it go.  Bad idea.  Now I have a pot where almost all the remaining mint has been choked out by these little plants.

That is what you get when a casual gardener gets lazy.  Lets call it "The Darwinian Gardening Method".  What thrives is allowed to grow.

The flowers had caught my eye over the weekend.  I really did like seeing them there, especially since they require no care other than occasional watering.

I have heard them called Sorrel and the roots have small tubers on them.  The tubers can be cleaned, and have been used by the Native Americans to sweeten things.  I'm not sure that I am quite that brave, but I do know that people in the caribbean will drink Sorrel Tea.

If this is the same stuff and it could be since The Bahamas are only about 100 miles east of where I sit.

I guess you could call this "Stuff I Just Like" like a friend does, and call it a day. 

Enjoy some little flowers in March wherever you are.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

What's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. There's a mile between the S's.

In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy.

The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the priest replies, "I will traveling to Vatican tomorrow. I will bring many intentions to pray for with me, I will visit all the churches there. I will light one candle for you and one for your husband."

Several years later, the same priest meets the same woman on the street in the village. She is all tired and exhausted. Two children are running and jumping around her, she is holding the third one on her arms. In addition, the priest notices that she is pregnant.

So he stops her asking how is her life going. She says: "Well, I am all tired and exhausted taking care of all these children. Suffering from heavy morning sickness, all day just cooking, cleaning and washing the laundry."

"I see," the priest replied, "so what is your husband doing?"

"Well, he has spent last three weeks in Vatican looking for your candles to blow them out!"