Sunday, May 24, 2020

Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her age...she died.

Just because I am feeling generous, here is a two-fer for a Sunday Morning.

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops.

In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc.

We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day.

Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill.

Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”.

So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.

And if you don't share my love for that movie in the punch line above, here's another one for a Sunday Morning.

The last time I heard one like this it was about a fish, but ...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole.

Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history.

St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?"

God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."

Saturday, May 23, 2020

You know the great thing about someone snoring like a chainsaw? Chainsaws have a choke button.

One of my rules of life is don't get bored, get creative.  

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the fame and regard and constant hard work he was subject too, he still had a dream of his own. He wanted a self portrait, one that showed him at his finest, one that truly captured who he was. It had to be unlike anything that had ever been made. But every time he tried to begin, he could not decide how he wanted to go about it.

Many years went by, and his reputation continued to grow. He had made sculptures for royalty as well as the noble and was becoming quite wealthy. But there was still that unfinished block of marble that he could not start on, his lifelong dream of a self portrait. It was there in the back of his shop to witness his sculptures grow more and more intricate, but the marble itself remained untouched.

More years went by and the sculptor was now quite old. One day, he announced that he would be no longer making sculptures for the public. He closed his doors forever. This came as a huge shock to everyone, and they could only wonder why the great sculptor stopped working on what he did best.

The sculptor knew. He wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to this self portrait. After all these years of waiting, he finally picked up the chisel and began. He poured his soul into the project over the next years, and it was physically and emotionally draining. But still he worked, from dawn to dusk, to achieve his goal. And the day came. The last bit of polishing was done. The sculptor stepped back to admire his handiwork, and his breath was taken away. It was unlike anything he had ever seen, and it captured all of the things he wanted it to, and then some. It almost had a glow about it, and it was the first of its kind.

The sculptor was beside himself.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Dinner Rolls, Burger Buns, Or Hot Dog Buns, This Is Your Recipe

Yes, I'm back on the whole bread baking thing.  I needed Hot Dog rolls for some Sweet Italian Sausage I had grilled the night before, so I decided to make my own.  They look a bit dark here, but they were pretty much perfect when I had them for lunch.
Relax, the recipe is a bit time consuming since you want to give this time to rise.  All the liquids together needed time to allow the yeast to activate before joining it with the flour, so you may mix them when you begin to see the bubbles.  They call this a Poolish, but you can call it whatever you wish.

The recipe below was 993 Grams, about 2 1/4 pounds.  The pictures made 11 rolls, 90g
each.  Hey, I needed Hot Dog Rolls, and three round rolls per request.

Once separated, I allowed them to rise in an oven with the light on for an extra Two Hours before baking.

I made the recipe on the dough cycle in the bread machine and it turned out amazingly well.

The Process was simple:
  1. Mix Milk, Sugar, Beaten Egg, Butter, and Salt in a Microwave safe bowl.
  2. Warm the liquids until they are at the right temperature for yeast to process, 80-105F, 30-40C in the MIcrowave.
  3. Add the Yeast and stir until all of those ingredients are blended.
  4. Allow the Liquids to sit long enough for your yeast to begin to work 5-15 minutes.
  5. Add the Bread Flour to the bucket of a bread machine or your stand mixer.
  6. Add the Liquids to the Flour and mix well. 
  7. Select Dough Cycle on the bread machine to get a silky smooth dough.
  8. When Dough is finished being mixed, place in bowl and allow to rise until double in size.
  9. Divide and Shape Dough into 10 parts in order to make Burger or Hot Dog Buns or smaller for dinner rolls, as needed.
  10. Place on Baking Sheet with Foil or Parchment and brush with egg wash or butter.
  11. Bake at 450F or 230C for 8 minutes and check every two minutes for golden brown.

The Ingredients are:
  • 3 3/4 Cups Bread Flour
  • 1 1/4 Cups (280mL) Milk (I actually used Powdered or Non Fat Dry)
  • 1/4 Cup (56g) White Sugar
  • 1 Beaten Egg
  • 2 Tablespoons (28g) Butter
  • 1 1/4 Teaspoons (16g) Active Dry Yeast
  • 3/4 Teaspoon (14g) Salt

Sunday, May 17, 2020

If you like one liners, today is your day!

Here's a long list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

When does a Joke become a Dad Joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

I keep hearing about these "Quarantine Haircuts" you folks are getting.  Been cutting my own since 2003, and had a barber ask me to cut his so it can't be half bad.

However a Barbershop is a very different story.

A man pokes his head into a barbershop and asks how long the wait is for a haircut

The barber tells him, "We're backed up. It's going to be about three hours."

The man says, "All right, I'll come back later then," but he doesn't show up until days later, when he pokes his head in and asks again how long the wait is for a haircut.

The barber says it going to be around an hour, to which the man replies, "Okay, I just got to go take care of something." But he doesn't return that day either.

When the man showed up again, the barber was certain the man would stick around, since the shop was empty. "There's one person a head of you. We should be able to get you done in less than twenty minutes." The man says that sounds good and he'll be back then.

The barber in disbelief tells one of his patrons, "I'll give you you're next two cuts free if you find out where that fella is going. He keeps showing up and asking how long to get a haircut, then leaving without ever showing back up to get it."

The patron takes him up on his offer.

The barber eagerly asks, "So where's he going?"

The man tells him, "He's going to your house to see your wife."

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

When Hurricane Prep and Corona Virus Planning Collide

If you look at things critically, we've been on a emergency preparedness footing since November.  We just didn't realize it.

The first whisperings of a problem were around New Years, but here in South Florida we go through a twice yearly exercise.  In May or so, we begin to get supplies.  Hurricane season is coming, we need to keep at least two weeks of extra food in the house.  The assumption is that in a Power Down situation, what can you have handy to eat without anything to cook it. 

Industrial sized Peanut Butter Jars, Massive bags of Crackers, Giant multi-packs of Tuna.  My own hallway has two cases of water bottles.

Mind you, here in Wilton Manors Florida, the Utilities Management staff is amazing.  The
head here is "Honor Bound" to make sure there will be no problems with turning the tap and having water pour out with the exclusion of when the storm is at its peak for about six hours.  Its just prudent to have extra water on hand.  Nobody wants to stand under the drainspout to get a drink.

We have never had a problem here due to his success and his department.

The drum beat of "there's something wrong coming" got louder in January and February.  Loud enough that by the first week of March, I managed to get to the Big Box Wholesale Club three times and stock the house for the rest of the year of those non-perishable.  Someone else was welcome to stand in line, I'll have Spam for lunch.

Preparing for a hurricane which we are used to here, and a pandemic are similar but not identical.

What happens for a hurricane is that in May, now, we have a giant tree on the property that needs to be "thinned" as well as all the hedges and flowers have to be "rightsized".  The hedges are fine, as are the flowers.  After all, my prize bougainvillea hedges might be nasty to work with having all those thorns, but I'd prefer to do all of that myself.

The Tree is a very different story.  It's a Sea Grape.  Being a native species, we are not allowed to remove it, but there is no reason to have a monster 50 foot tall beast in the corner of the yard with dinner plate sized leaves.  Every year, we have it "lowered" or else it grows into the power lines.   I have had the limbs trimmed back about six feet every year, and they grow back about half that so it's now a healthy 30 plus.

We're about to go through that exercise.  They cut almost all of the foliage off the tree, and the fascinating thing is that the tree is evolved enough to accept that and thrive.  It almost all grows back by "next" year.  So shorten the longest limbs and allow it to adjust.

The problem is that half of my orchids were all shaded by that beast of a tree.  I had some that the elements had eaten away the pots and needed replanting again.  So pull all of them away from their home under the shed's eaves and repot.  I was able to make an extra two pots out of the one largest plant and move them close to the house and out of harm's way.

I guess all of this is an illustration of the "Butterfly Effect" where the flapping of a butterfly in the tropics stirs up dust that forms clouds that eventually form a hurricane.

That dust on my Jeep's hood in the carport is from the Sahara Desert.  If I stand on the beach and look due east, my line of sight following the curve of the horizon skips over one small island in the Bahamas and then comes ashore in Boujador in Western Sahara. 

You folks are welcome to the dust you lost, and here, have an orchid.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

House Cleaning or The Attack Of The One Liners

I have jokes sent to me frequently.
I look for humor everywhere I go.

If it is suitable for all audiences, I save it on a text file on my Linux computer for later use.

So I get a lot of the stuff, and they do add up. 

After all, the file was originally called "Thirteen Bad Jokes.txt"

Since I have quite a few One Liners, today I'm going to shorten my file here and disgorge thirteen of them for our hopefully mutual amusement.

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Ocean walks in to a bar.  Bartender says "why so blue?"

Think. This is what you can do when you can't Thwim.

I really hate stereotyping.  The novel my stereo typed was garbage.

The man who invented Velcro has died.  RIP

We need to thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds for saving mankind.  Without him it would be curtains for us all.

Breaking News: A programmer has been accused of writing unreadable code.  He has declined to comment.

Wanna see something cute and wholesome?  Don't look in the mirror then.

A doe walks out of the woods looking bewildered.  “I’m never doing that for two bucks again.”

I told my friend a joke about chairs.  It didn't sit with them too well.

My girlfriend is a keeper.  She works at the zoo.

What's green and not heavy?  Light green!

I have a hen who can count her own eggs.  She's a mathemachicken.

Saturday, May 9, 2020

A Spanish magician said he would disappear on the count of 3 ... “Uno” “Dos” And poof! He disappeared without a “tres”

Couldn't resist that one, especially after working on my Spanish since Dawn.

O La Madrugada, si tu prefieres.

Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"

"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"

"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."

"What bloody firetruck?"
"The one putting out the fire in the armory, sir."

Colonel, now visibly shaking in anger, shouts: "There was a fire in the armory? Why the hell are you only telling me now?"

"Well had I told you straight away you would just get a heart attack like the Major did, sir."

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Can you make Cream Biscuits from Pizza Flour?

That is a rather odd question, and probably should be unpacked.

Short answer is yes, it can be done, and yes this is how I do it! 

Since I truly enjoy the Science behind Baking, I keep coming back to this recipe.  I have not "broken" this one yet!

In fact I had one of this batch of biscuits this morning and they were just as wonderful as the basic recipe is that I include in a bit.

First, for my European Readers, the recipe I am using is for a savoury bread.  A form of Shortbread that is typically served at breakfast.  One biscuit at 80 grams before baking with a small bit of sausage and egg and perhaps a little sharp cheese is a wonderful part of your breakfast.  Or just go whole hog and have the biscuit with Sausage Gravy, scrambled eggs on the side, and whatever you prefer.

Biscuits in the UK are what we call Cookies here.  I love them all.  And I can bake them all.

Second, Cream Biscuits are a frightfully simple recipe to make a "Southern Staple" of a biscuit that is as good as many more fussy recipes.  But it does require specific ingredients such as Self Rising Flour.  Even the Cream itself I have "hacked" to go 50/50 with 2% milk, and the results can be good.

  • Two cups of Self Rising Flour.
  • 1 Teaspoon of sugar.
  • 1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream.
  1. Preheat your oven to 450F.
  2. Mix (with your hands) until the batter is even and a bit "tacky".
  3. Cut into 80g portions or about 3 ounces or seven even pieces.
  4. Place on Parchment Paper on a cookie (baking) sheet.
  5. Bake at 450F in a preheated oven for 12 minutes and check. 
  6. Done usually around 15 minutes and when the tops are tan.

Now that we got the basic recipe out of the way, what happens if you don't have Self Rising Flour? 

If all you have is Pizza Flour, or All Purpose Flour, or something unknown but "normal" you can make it work.  I buy Pizza Flour in 25 Pound bags.  About 11Kg.  They sit there in the corner of my kitchen waiting for when I make bread - and I make a lot of it!

To convert the Pizza Flour into Self Rising Flour

  • For Each Cup of Flour (8 oz or 228g).
  • Add 1 1/2 Teaspoons of Baking Powder.
  • Add 1/2 Teaspoon of Salt.

And mix them together.

Now for the recipe I made with the Pizza Flour and "Homemade" Self Rising Flour:

  • 2 Cups of Pizza Flour 
  • 1 Tablespoon (14g) of Baking Powder
  • 1 Teaspoon (4g I think) of Salt
  • Mix the above ingredients in a bowl .... plus
  • 1 1/2 cups Whipping Cream or Heavy Cream
  • 1 Tablespoon of table sugar To Taste (I use less).
  1. Preheat oven to 450F
  2. Mix with your hands until it is even.
  3. The Batter should be tacky and sticky.
  4. Divide Batter into Seven parts, or 80g per Biscuit.
  5. I typically roll the batter with my hands in to balls, flatten them into a rough disc.
  6. Place the batter pieces on Parchment Paper on a Cookie (Baking) Sheet
  7. Bake at 450F for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown in a Preheated Oven.

Sunday, May 3, 2020

What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.

‌‌An e‌‌lderly c‌‌ouple w‌‌as c‌‌elebrating t‌‌heir s‌‌ixtieth a‌‌nniversary

‌‌The c‌‌ouple h‌‌ad m‌‌arried a‌‌s c‌‌hildhood s‌‌weethearts a‌‌nd h‌‌ad m‌‌oved b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌heir o‌‌ld n‌‌eighborhood a‌‌fter t‌‌hey r‌‌etired. H‌‌olding h‌‌ands, t‌‌hey w‌‌alked b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌heir o‌‌ld s‌‌chool.

I‌‌t w‌‌as n‌‌ot l‌‌ocked, s‌‌o t‌‌hey e‌‌ntered, a‌‌nd f‌‌ound t‌‌he o‌‌ld d‌‌esk t‌‌hey'd s‌‌hared, w‌‌here J‌‌erry h‌‌ad c‌‌arved I‌‌ l‌‌ove y‌‌ou, S‌‌ally.

On t‌‌heir w‌‌ay b‌‌ack h‌‌ome, a‌‌ b‌‌ag o‌‌f m‌‌oney f‌‌ell o‌‌ut o‌‌f a‌‌n a‌‌rmored c‌‌ar, p‌‌ractically l‌‌anding a‌‌t t‌‌heir f‌‌eet.

S‌‌ally q‌‌uickly p‌‌icked i‌‌t u‌‌p a‌‌nd, n‌‌ot s‌‌ure w‌‌hat t‌‌o d‌‌o w‌‌ith i‌‌t, t‌‌hey t‌‌ook i‌‌t h‌‌ome. T‌‌here, s‌‌he c‌‌ounted t‌‌he m‌‌oney -‌‌ f‌‌ifty t‌‌housand d‌‌ollars!

Jerry s‌‌aid, “‌‌We've g‌‌ot t‌‌o g‌‌ive i‌‌t b‌‌ack.”

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌Finders k‌‌eepers.” S‌‌he p‌‌ut t‌‌he m‌‌oney b‌‌ack i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ag a‌‌nd h‌‌id i‌‌t i‌‌n t‌‌heir a‌‌ttic.

The n‌‌ext d‌‌ay, t‌‌wo p‌‌olice o‌‌fficers w‌‌ere c‌‌anvassing t‌‌he n‌‌eighborhood l‌‌ooking f‌‌or t‌‌he m‌‌oney, a‌‌nd k‌‌nocked o‌‌n t‌‌heir d‌‌oor. P‌‌ardon m‌‌e, d‌‌id e‌‌ither o‌‌f y‌‌ou f‌‌ind a‌‌ b‌‌ag t‌‌hat f‌‌ell o‌‌ut o‌‌f a‌‌n a‌‌rmored c‌‌ar y‌‌esterday?

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌No.”

Jerry s‌‌aid, “‌‌She’s l‌‌ying. S‌‌he h‌‌id i‌‌t u‌‌p i‌‌n t‌‌he a‌‌ttic.”

Sally s‌‌aid, “‌‌Don't b‌‌elieve h‌‌im, h‌‌e’s g‌‌etting s‌‌enile.”

The a‌‌gents t‌‌urned t‌‌o J‌‌erry a‌‌nd b‌‌egan t‌‌o q‌‌uestion h‌‌im.

One p‌‌olice o‌‌fficer a‌‌sked J‌‌erry t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌im t‌‌he s‌‌tory f‌‌rom t‌‌he b‌‌eginning.

Jerry s‌‌aid, "‌‌Well, w‌‌hen S‌‌ally a‌‌nd I‌‌ w‌‌ere w‌‌alking h‌‌ome f‌‌rom s‌‌chool y‌‌esterday..."

The f‌‌irst p‌‌olice o‌‌fficer t‌‌urned t‌‌o h‌‌is p‌‌artner a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, “‌‌We’re o‌‌utta h‌‌ere!”

Saturday, May 2, 2020

My cooking is fit for a King. Here King! Here King!

Having just stuffed my gut full of French Toast made from one of those bread recipes from the last couple weeks... Some days are better in the kitchen, and some days are better being out of it!

If I have to describe this next one, it's of course suitable for all audiences, but it's got an Afterburner on it.  Make sure you read it through.

I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks.

They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the bricks up and then see how deep they sink into the mud.

The first friend threw a brick up and it sunk a few inches into the mud, then the second threw another and it sunk down nearly a foot into the mud, then the third friend throws his brick up in the air and it doesn't come back down.

(I don't really get it either, but stay tuned!)

Another joke I used to love was this one about a woman trying to go on vacation, and the only airline she could get tickets for had a strict "no smoking, no birds" rule.

Well she didn't smoke so that was fine, but she did have a pet parrot that she wanted to take with her.

She decided, alright she'll take the flight and just try to hide the parrot in her jacket.

So she was on the plane and after a while of being in the air, the pilot came and walked down the aisles just to check on everyone and he was puffing on a large cigar.

Walking past the woman, he noticed a noise from her.

He asked her "what's that?" And she told him it was just her stomach, so he started to move on before he noticed some movement in her jacket.

He asked her once again "what's that?" And she told him that it was nothing. He stood their suspicious for a moment before he heard another squawk and finally unzipped her jacket.

He grabbed the parrot and let it out the window, telling her that no birds are allowed on the flight, so she grabbed the cigar from his mouth and threw it out the window in rage while yelling at him "well you're not allowed to smoke on the plane!"

So she sat back down angrily and he stormed off back to the cockpit, then after he was sitting there for a minute, he heard a knocking on the window.

He looked outside and the parrot was sitting there and guess what it had in it's mouth. The brick.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Two Ingredient Beer Bread or I Need To Eat Some Of This Stuff Now

I needed bread and I needed an easy recipe.  

How much easier do you want? 

Two ingredients.

It was pretty good too.  Not too sweet, and this recipe is one that I will stick with since I still have the beer and want something "bread" and not "muffin-like".

Sugar in these breads seem to be added to counter the taste of baking powder.  I personally tend to omit, but you can try it like this and adjust later like I will.

The ingredients are easy:
  • 1 bottle of Beer.  12 OZ/340mL.  I used Corona Extra Longneck because we're in Quarantine.
  • 3 cups SIFTED of Self Rising Flour. 680g according to
  • 3 Tablespoons of Sugar - TO TASTE, I used none because I forgot.  Standard measure is 15g per tablespoon or 45g total.
(see below if you want to make the S.R. Flour yourself)

  • Grease your Bread Pan.
  • Preheat the oven to 350F
  • SIFT 3 Cups Self Rising Flour into a mixing bowl.
  • Add Sugar to Taste - Or Don't because I forgot it.
  • Pour your 12 ounce beer into the mixing bowl and mix until it "Comes Together"
  • Mix the batter and pour into greased bread pan.
  • Bake for 40 plus "minutes" - until properly golden brown.

If you don't have Self Rising Flour:

For Each Cup:
  • 1 Cup All Purpose Flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons Baking POWDER
  • 1/2  teaspoon Salt 

Sift or mix together.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

My international audience will scratch their collective heads and wonder why the people here in the US put up with this for profit healthcare garbage.   Trust me, I could give you chapter and verse as to why the system here is rigged and how difficult it is to turn a battleship around in a harbo(u)r.

However this first joke explains it best.

The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all the shareholders in your company."

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what´s the catch?"


10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

  9. Directions to your doctor´s office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park".

  8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

  7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

  6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

  5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

  3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

  2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn´t come in different colors with little "M´s" on them.

  1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Kevin's Dad Joke Revenge

Ok, so to help keep his business running, Kevin's company had a competition.

Actually this is at least the second since the Wuhan Virus started up and we all ended up eating food from boxes.

Yes, rest of world, welcome to Hurricane Prep and Hurricane Food.   It's a part of why I am making so damn much bread, and had to buy a Pound of Yeast from my normal Wholesale To The Public store via the web.  

Long story, won't get into it.

Anyway, everyone was invited to send in their best one liners and Dad jokes to everyone else.  I don't know if there was a prize but hey aren't Bad Dad Jokes their own reward?

I think so so I put them here, every weekend. 

The Facebook Group doesn't necessarily read them, the count of people actually coming to here from there drops by half instead of the normal Wednesday postings.

But on the other hand, I get comments and complements from the folks who read it via the Wordpress site.

So I continue onward posting these silly things for as long as I get them.  They please me, and I truly do hope they please you.

If not, make a suggestion of what to write about.  Or write an article.  I'll probably post it even if I do have to give it a read first.   Consider me your Editor.

Anyway, here goes!

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Damn.

If this virus is Chinese, I don’t want to see the Original.
Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other “Can you smell carrots”?
Why do fish in Egypt find it hard to face reality? Because they live in de-nial.
How many members of Oasis does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them: one to hold the ladder, one to screw in the light bulb and the rest to ask The Beatles if they’re doing it right.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets!
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy
My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing? – that’s a site for sore eyes.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Beer Bread Recipe So Good That Even Wrong It Was Tasty

I am still trying different bread recipes here at home, well, because we're bored here.

However, it's getting eaten.

This is a beer bread.  Yes, I used a bottle of Corona to make it.  Not a bad beer, frankly, for an American Style Lager.  I get a case before every hurricane season, and since I drink beer slowly, I'm down to 8 bottles since December.  About one per week.

This beer bread is made with all purpose flour, instead of Self Rising flour.   I made a mistake.  I used Baking SODA instead of Baking POWDER.  Don't make that mistake, however I ended up with a bread that was like a muffin or a cake. 

That odd piece on the side?  I had that about an hour ago and am trying to stop myself from "Spoiling My Dinner".   

Since the result was interesting enough, and we all liked it, the recipe is here. Just make my mistake and you end up with a very soft bread.

If you don't have Self Rising Flour:

  • 1 cup all purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons Baking POWDER
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
No, you don't need that for this recipe here.

Oh well, it will work with PB&J or with French Toast this way. 

This beer bread is a bit on the sweet side, so feel free to reduce the amount of sugar. 

It also was quite buttery, and very soft.  If you tossed some fruit into this it would make some interesting Muffins.


  • 3 cups All Purpose Flour SIFTED.  (It makes it lighter)
  • 1 teaspoon Salt
  • 4 Tablespoons Sugar (Yes, it can be reduced)
  • 1 Tablespoon Baking POWDER
  • 1/2 cup Butter, Melted
  • 1 12 ounce bottle of beer.


  1. Preheat the oven to 375F
  2. Grease a bread loaf pan and set aside.
  3. Sift 3 cups of flour
  4. Add salt, sugar, and baking POWDER to the flour and stir to mix
  5. Add butter to the mix and stir it in until it is roughly even
  6. Pour the bottle of beer over top of the ingredents and mix until you have a batter
  7. The batter will be rather wet.
  8. Pour the batter into the greased bread loaf pan.
  9. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes and check the loaf for doneness. 
  10. I went 50 minutes to get a soft and brown loaf

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Always give 110% unless you're a statistician.

Don't you just hate officious behavior?  Those who enforce the rules to extremes?

A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”

The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom. All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer. He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.

“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”

The student’s mouth fell agape. This wasn’t fair at all. He stammered for a moment saying “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.” Still, the old man refused. Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”

The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting. “No, I do not,” The moderator replied.

Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then left the room.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

You're so old, your doctor is a paleontologist.

Ok, if you have been reading these Weekend Jokes that I have been posting for far too long, you have figured out that I love a good Groaner.  I also love a good Dad Joke.

This is one of those.

Good news and bad news

A man is driving down the highway on a rainy night and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the side of the road to change it.

While changing the tire his wrench slips from his hand and slides underneath his car.

He lies down flat to inch under the car and retrieve it.

As he’s in the prone position, a passing truck loses control on the wet road and runs over his legs.

The man goes unconscious and wakes up in the hospital.

A doctor comes in the room and sits down next to him. The doctor says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The man says, “Ok, give me the bad news first.”

The doctor sighs a heavy sigh and slowly says, “We had to amputate both legs and you will never walk again.”

The man, completely distraught, takes a moment to soak in the news and asks “Ok, now give me the good news?”

The doctor perks up and announces brightly with a smile, “The guy down the hall wants to buy your slippers!”

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Irish Soda Bread Or Searching for a Better Recipe

The short story is I'm trying out recipes because we all have the time.

The long story is I haven't found a recipe that passes for my daily bread and just may end up going on a different tangent.  I will keep trying.

I remember the Irish Soda Bread my sister made when I was a kid.

She made a batter, flattened it in a skillet that somehow I have managed to keep to this day.

Then warmed up the oven and before tossing it in the oven, skillet and all, she poked a hole in the middle with her finger.

The bread was salty, warm, and very tasty.

I have been trying to find that recipe ever since.

This one I have here is an amalgamation of a couple recipes, none of which ended up as good as that recipe of my sister's.

This is a pretty good recipe, and has a good flavor to it, so if you want to experiment go for it.

Irish Soda Bread goes from ingredients to oven quickly because there is no rising.

The thing about Irish Soda Bread is that the crumb is usually quite dense, and salty.  If that isn't your thing then you might not care for what I have here today.

Even if it was tasty!


For Buttermilk:
  • 285mL/10 ounces Milk.
  • 30mL/2 Tablespoons/1 Ounce Vinegar or Lemon Juice.  I used Wine Vinegar because I spotted it at random, and I have used other kinds of Vinegar.

For the Dough:
  • 500g/17.5 ounces Bread Flour
  • 30g/1 ounce/2 Tablespoons of unsalted butter, melted or softened.
  • 10g/1 Teaspoon Salt.
  • 10g/1 Teaspoon Baking Soda. For extra rise, use a little more.
  • 1 Egg.


  • Pour out 10 ounces of Milk to a measuring cup.
  • Add 2 Tablespoons of Vinegar/Lemon Juice to the Milk.
  • Stir that a few times and allow 10 minutes for the Buttermilk to "brew".

Dough (It's Easier than it looks):
  • Preheat oven to 220C/425F.
  • Lay out cookie sheet and place Aluminum Foil or Baking Parchment on top.
  • Add your Flours to the mixing bowl.
  • Add Butter, Salt, and Baking Soda to the bowl and mix the dry ingredients together.
  • Whisk the Egg and Buttermilk together.
  • Add the Buttermilk and Egg mixture to the dry ingredients.
  • Knead the dough until it becomes an even mixture.
  • Make a well in the middle of the flour to accept the other ingredients.
  • The dough should form a soft, wet "Play Doh" Modeling Compound consistency.
  • Shape your dough into one loaf.
  • Score the top of your dough with a knife or fork to allow the center to cook fully.
  • Bread is done when tested to at least 165F in the thickest part of the Bread Loaf.
  • (Or by eye, these loaves were cooked to 180F)

For one loaf, baked at 425F for 35 minutes.

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

I can't say I know if the attribution to the university is correct, but I will say that the first time I heard this was when I was in a science class on the first day of the term in my own university. 

I'm glad to see the story is still going around, it's worth the read.

The following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul > gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

    If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


Saturday, April 11, 2020

Overslept this morning.... I was late getting to the living room.

Oddly, there is usually a theme to these things on the weekend.  I'm not really sure what it is, but they do feel like they belong together.   Cross-eyed little Dad Jokes I guess...

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.
As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.
Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”
The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”
“Between the first and second holes”.
“Her stance is too wide”.

All three of a farmers daughters are going on a date tonight. With him being overprotective he decides to meet each boy at the front door with a shotgun.
The first boy says: “Hi my name is Eddy and I’m here to eat spaghetti with Betty” The farmer sends them on their way.
The second boy says: “Hi my name is is Tam and I’m here to pan gold with Pam.” The farmer sends them on their way.
The third boy says “Hi my name is Chuck and I’m here to..” The farmer shoots him.

A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.
So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside.
She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he drank the whole bottle.
Pharmacist: WHAT!? Laxatives won’t help a bad cough!
Assistant: Well since he drank it he doesn’t dare cough anymore.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Cream Biscuits With Magic Buttery Flavor

This recipe is weird.

No, I mean it, this is a recipe with a mystery.

Every recipe evolves over time.  

Three simple ingredients that make a reproduce-ably good "Southern Style" Biscuit, but I can do some intriguing things by just changing conditions.

Like making them taste like butter when NO butter is used.

And no, British folks, these are a savoury shortbread roll usually served soaked in butter and jelly or covered in a Sausage Gravy or Red Eye Gravy.

Proper Southern cooks will look at this recipe and roll their eyes. 

There is ZERO butter in the recipe.  You don't have to fret over little chunks of frozen butter designed to add rise and lift to the result.  You can paint the outsides with melted butter before cooking but I prefer mine without.  You don't have to overheat the kitchen with a blazing oven because that chases the buttery flavor away!

I'm not a Southern Cook.  I am originally from, Gasp!, New Jersey!

(Queue the dramatic fanfare!)

This is simple, mix, chop into portions, bake, serve.  No Fuss!

Ingredients are straightforward.

2 cups or 286g of Self Rising Flour
1 1/2 cups of Whipping Cream.  Mine says 36% on it and there are heavier creams.
1 teaspoon of sugar.


Mix thoroughly dry ingredients.
Add cream and mix until it makes a sticky dough.
Cut dough into 7 pieces, about 90g or about 3 ounces per.


For conventional flavor, bake at 450-500F for 12 minutes and check at 10 minutes for doneness.


If you want that Butter Flavor, bake these at 350F (Moderate Oven) for 25 minutes and check for doneness.  You will probably close the oven for another three.

Here is the mystery.  Regular Biscuits tend to have a strong butter flavor as SERVED because they are painted in salted melted butter.  These biscuits as baked at high temperature without butter painted on them are a somewhat salty shortbread biscuit.

HOWEVER, if you LOWER the temperature in the oven to 350F Magic happens!

Yes, the house will begin to smell markedly of butter.  Fresh butter smell wafts along with the smell of baking bread/biscuits, and you will wonder why?

I still am, but this is the thing.  That butter flavor stays with the biscuits.  If you bake them at 350F, you get a buttery biscuit without all that extra salt and added calories.

Like I said Magic!

You can add butter to this if you like, but I fail to see the reason!

This is what happens when a baker has too much time on their hands and is locked in the house for too long!

Sunday, April 5, 2020

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.

On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.

The time was right to make a move.

The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live.
If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.

The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.”

Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.

Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

Saturday, April 4, 2020

How can you tell the difference between a regular virus and a retrovirus? The 1970s haircut.

The art of humor is all about wordplay.  In this case, all you need is a reference of a letter or two that would lead you to make a different conclusion.  The more of a pun the more of a dad joke I guess, but I'll let you decide.

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Instant Pot Refried Beans Are Pretty Darn Good

A recipe so good and so easy that I am writing it before I forget what I did.

The resulting recipe using Olive Oil is Vegan, but don't let that scare you, I served mine with some grated cheese on top in the Mexican Style.  It's a mild dish, and I am estimating that it's about 150 calories per serving cooked with Olive Oil, More if the spices and onion are cooked with animal fats which is more traditional.

Personally I recommend making this recipe with double the spices and onions.  I found it as written bland and not authentic.  Doubling it was much closer to what I expected from my favorite Mexican Restaurant.

Finally, I used a potato masher to get the texture right but these beans were creamy like a good yogurt when I was through. 

Soaking them in Baking Soda really is necessary, if not required!   It also drastically reduces the gas you get when you soak them in Baking Soda. 

So here's what to do with all those beans you impulse bought to help you through any emergencies!

Ingredient list:
  • Dry Pinto Beans - 8 oz/1/2 pound/225 grams
  • Water - 3 cups for soaking plus about 3 cups for the Instant pot.
  • Baking Soda - 1/2 teaspoon once for the soak, once for the Instant pot.  It makes your beans extra silky soft.
  • Oil or Fat for cooking - Bacon Grease, Lard,  or other rendered fats are traditional.  I used a deeply green Olive Oil because I just didn't want that many calories added back to a light side dish.
  • Onion - 1/4 to 1/2 Minced Fine
  • Garlic - 1-2 cloves Minced Fine
  • Cumin - 1/2 teaspoon
  • Oregano - 1 Sprig or 1 teaspoon dry.

First, soak your beans: Yes, the night before.  Do it, you will be thankful.  This will give you creamy beans that will seem to melt as you prepare them.

  • For 8 ounces/ 1 cup dry/ 225g of pinto beans, add them to a large bowl with 3 cups of water.
  • Add 1/2 teaspoon of Baking Soda and swirl the water around.
  • Cover the bowl and ignore overnight.  
  • I waited 12 hours.

Second - Cook your beans in the instant pot:

  • Drain the beans - you will notice that the water is brown and somewhat syrupy.
  • Rinse the beans thoroughly.  I gave mine three passes through the water until clear.
  • Drain the beans again.
  • Add beans to the Instant pot.
  • Add enough water to cover the beans plus at least a thumbnail extra over top.
  • Close and seal the Instant Pot.
  • Cook on the Beans Button or 25 minutes plus Natural Release.

Third - Prepare your spice mixture:
  • 1/4 onion diced quite small.
  • 1-2 cloves of garlic to taste.
  • 1/2 teaspoon dry Oregano or 1 sprig fresh.
  • 1 Bay Leaf.
  • 1/4 teaspoon Cumin.
  • Salt to taste.

Fourth - After Natural Release, Cook your Spice Mix
  • Drain the Instant Pot of the water.
  • Remove the Beans and set them aside.
  • Add your oil or fat to the bottom of the Instant Pot.
  • Turn the Instant Pot to Saute and allow it to warm the oil to cooking temp (shimmering).
  • Add the Spice Mixture and Onions to the pot.
  • Cook the Onions well until they become clear to translucent.
Finally add the beans to the instant pot and stir.  At this point the beans will be very tender.  I did not need a mixer to get the proper silky texture to my Refried Beans.  Authentic Refried Beans do tend to have some unbroken beans in the mix.  If you are unsatisfied with the smoothness, blast it with a stick blender or potato masher until you are.

Made with Olive Oil, this should be well under 200 calories per serving for a quarter of the batch with a healthy portion of cheese on top.  Your Mileage May Vary!

Sunday, March 29, 2020

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig. It's a look that anyone can pull off.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Why can't big cats use tools? Because cheetahs never prosper.

I had the "pleasure" of listening in on a meeting that was populated by Lawyers.  As I sat there listening to these people jockeying for position I realized a few simple things.

One, they are paid by the word, not to be concise.  It lasted way too long.
Two, it could have been solved if everyone just "Whipped It Out And Measured It".
Three, The TV Series Better Call Saul is not fiction, it is a Documentary and Vince Gilligan is an incredible writer.

In that vein, I give you a Lawyer Story:

Lawyer story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bill s that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, '

So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you ??

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Making a Surgical Mask For COVID-19 Might Be Easier With Sewing Hem Tape

I am going to make a surgical mask to "survive" a doctor's trip tomorrow (as of this writing). 

This is definitely NOT one of those "N95" masks that you hear about.  This is a stopgap measure designed to slow down things, and while it is designed after what hospitals are asking as donations, anything like this is used at your own risk.  "Better than nothing" is all we seem to be getting these days anyway since hording seems to be out of control.

Oh, and wash this after one outing.  That's true with any mask.  I'll be throwing mine into the washer on Hot when I get back.  You may want to soak yours in Alcohol as an alternative. 

It is all up to you.

If this sounds vague, I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice other than Be Careful Out There.

This will not be fancy, and it will be easily made because I will be using Hem Tape instead of sewing things together.  If you don't have a sewing machine, this will work. 

Mine did work for me.  If you get nothing more from this article - use Hem Tape if you can't or won't use needle and thread.

If you don't know what it is, it's a 1/2 inch wide (or so) strip of synthetic fabric that has a "low" melting point.  You place this within a seam, use a hot iron to press the fabric.  The Hem Tape melts and bonds with the fabric.  It is not permanent, but I have had tape hold in a seam for more than a decade.

After looking at a number of videos and reading plans, I realized that you can simply heat the iron and press in some hem tape. 

The result will look like something out of the TV Show MASH with ties instead of elastic.

Since this is done for ease, it may be a bit crooked.  It's ok, Crooked can save your life too.

The basics are a 9x6 inch rectangle that is an envelope open at top..
The open area at top is so you can slide in a filter material if you have access to any.

It is made with a tightly woven fabric and is two ply - a top and a bottom layer.
Mine will be made from an old bandana I got at a street fair given to me for my dog.
The two ends have ties or strings on them to tie behind the head. 
There is one pleat on it to help shape it to the face, but typically there are three of them.
I only put one in mine because it seemed enough.

Any raw edges that have been cut will have to be hemmed or taped closed so you don't have it unraveling in use.

This assumes Hem Tape is 1/2 inch Wide.
  • Cut your fabric to 10 inch by 12.
  • Iron your fabric flat.
  • Fold fabric in half, pattern outside.
  • It will be 10 inches by 6 when done.
  • Iron the fold to ensure it lays flat then turn it inside-out again to work on the seams.
  • Pin or lay some hem tape on the very top of the cut long side(s) opposite of the fold and hem that side closed. 
  • Do this so that the fold faces you.
  • Flip and repeat for the other top side.
  • Hem the shorter sides together.  
  • This will create an envelope that is inside out, and open at the top.

Turn the mask inside out.  Now you are looking at what will be the "outside" of the mask.

  • Pleats seem to be optional but to add them, pinch the edges together along the short sides.
  • This can be repeated up to three times but I only did one.
  • Use a 1/2-1 inch long piece of Hem Tape to close your Pleat.
  • Cut the piece of hem tape to fit.
  • Slide it inside of the mask against the side and add your pleat.
  • Heat the pleat until it sets.
  • Repeat the pleats on each side of the mask.

Ties to hold the mask in place can be made from rubber bands or by sewing laces to each corner to be tied behind the head.
I will make my own ties with the extra fabric from construction.

In testing the mask, the ties held well fastened behind my head, the mask seemed that it will work for the short work that will be required of it.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

With what's going on these days, half of us will end up being great bakers and cooks, the rest of us will need to start AA soon.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says "at least he got ice on it right away."

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

What do you get if you eat onions with beans? Teargas.

Saturdays are for cooking.  Much to the chagrin of those around me, my plans are to make some Refried Beans.  Mexican spices, of course.  

I have a small amount of beans soaking since 1030 last night, so that's 11 hours by my watch. 

I'll let you know how it goes with the recipe.  Seems like Abuelita has some tricks up her sleeves, and I do enjoy a good Plato de Refritos on the side of my Taco Casserole.

But meanwhile...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Please dad, with cranberries

Dad, can we have a dog for Christmas? Please, please, please!

Sorry children, I think we'll go with turkey as usual

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

COVID-19 Killed My Outdoor Workout And It Killed Yours Too

Hey!  You!  Listen to The Coach, stay the hell home!  You don't want COVID-19.

Great, now that we have gotten that out of the way, if I'm a little grumpy I'm trying to remove 500 calories a day out of my daily diet because I am home and can't workout.  I will be dusting off the Bowflex home gym today.

It's all because I got a lesson in Social Distancing.

I workout at Pompano Beach Airpark.  It is a 4.5 mile outdoor loop around an airport and a golf course here in South Florida.  It has benches and three water stops.  Flat as a pancake even if they did put speed bumps on the trail itself for the blind.

Whoever made that decision, needs to have a talking to.  The speed bumps at the .6 mile marker (1 KM West of the southern start of the loop) are enough to make an elite inline skater fall down. 

Can you file them down a bit, they're excessive!

Never the less, I have a complicated set of maneuvers that give me a 14 mile workout
without ever hitting a street or that particular speed bump.  There are people Skating, as well as Bikers, Runners, Walkers, and people out strolling to enjoy the setting.

I have been going there for a year and a half and it shows.  I'm in markedly better physical
condition than the average person in the US at my age group.  A workout is 1700 to 2200 calories, generally twice a week.

The last time I went there, I went specifically to ask the question "Is it safe to continue skating". 

The answer is a resounding NO.  Emphatically.

First, about half of the people normally working out are staying away.  I have a few people I know well and all of them were gone.  The Canadians are heading back North, and the locals are skipping it too.

Second, that Golf Course?  Easily half of the old duffers were missing.  The line for a Golf Cart was gone, there was nobody sitting on the bench that I use at mid workout.  Even the Pro Shop was idle.

Finally, the parking lot was down by about 2/3.

While we all make decisions that effect ourselves, the decision to employ Social Distancing effects others as well.  If you have COVID-19, it does not pass it to someone if you aren't there to do that deed.   Also you can't pick it up if you aren't drinking from a contaminated water fountain or sitting on a contaminated park bench.

I'm done for the duration.  The skates will all be "refurbished" for the next workout, hopefully sooner than later. 

But, Stay Home

Walk your dogs longer.  Go out before dawn and get some exercise when nobody else is awake.   There were a few people still out but this morning's one mile walk was completely alone and I live in the middle of a populated area.

Your health will thank you.

If you are an outdoor workout person, I did think that you can do it safely if you do a few things.

  • Bring what you need to keep yourself safe.  Sanitizer and a mask are helpful if you have enough.
  • Obviously - Social Distancing - Stay away from others.  If someone coughs and you run through it, you're exposed.
  • Don't touch anything or anyone.
  • Don't use the facilities.
  • Don't drink the water, bring your own and bring extra.  
  • Don't use the benches unless they are in full sun and consider wiping them down with full strength rubbing alcohol or other sanitizers.

Don't fall.  That's just good for any other normal day.  Falling hurts.

Maybe this autumn I will see you all again but for now, I'm looking for my skate box.  I have bearings to tear down and re-lube.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home????? Wheres popcorn.

Ok not that you really SHOULD do this.  Just keep it in mind when you're standing in those long lines waiting for your turn at the checker while watching everyone else panic buy. 

Then smile.  Or try to.

Oh, I could use some Milk and Eggs.  I want to do some baking!

15 Things To Do At The Supermarket

    Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

    Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

    While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

    Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "

There is no toilet paper in here!"

Saturday, March 14, 2020

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long? A pi-thon!

Any good story, even these jokes that have a nasty tendency to lean towards the "Dad" variety that I post here, have a germ of truth in them.

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."