Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Kevin's Pizza Sauce or To Make The Best Pizza On The Island, You Need The Best Sauce

When I moved to South Florida I was surprised how mediocre the pizza here was.  Flat sauces, tasteless cheeses, and crusts that were more like the cardboard the box was made from.

We all went on a tear looking for the best pizza shop around.

I never found one like the pizza shops I had in Philadelphia, and the New Yorkers I know here all said the same as me.

Applying our own stubborn knowledge, we found a recipe that surpassed the best here, and some of the best up there.   Crusts can be fiddly and cheese mixes are personal, I use 2-3 parts low moisture Mozarella to 1 part Parmesan.  

Once tweaked to your personal tastes, this sauce I would put up against any sauce in any pizza parlor that is in business.


Ingredients:

  • 10 ounces of Tomato Passata - Pureed Strained Roma Tomatoes will do in a pinch.
  • 1/2 large onion - Depending on how sweet, reduce the amount to about 1/4 onion to taste.
  • 26 ounce Can of San Marzano Tomatoes
  • 2 tablespoons chopped garlic
  • Olive oil 

Ingredients for Spice Mix:

  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/8 teaspoon red pepper flakes
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Process:

Into saucepan add 2 tablespoons olive oil and tomato passata.
Into Cuisinart, Food Mill, Blender or Similar add onion, garlic, and tomatoes only from Can of San Marzano tomatoes while reserving the liquid.
Puree until very smooth.

Take leftover sauce from San Marzano Tomatoes and empty into saucepan
Empty Cuisinart into saucepan.

Bring all ingredients in saucepan to slow boil.
Turn down to simmer.

Add Spice Mix to saucepan
Reduce until you have enough for 2 pizzas or so. 

Your sauce should be fairly thick.  It will take a long time to go to get about 14 ounces of sauce.

The longer you reduce this or any cooked sauce, the better it will taste!  

Mom would leave a pot of sauce on all weekend.  

Trust in Mom!

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Will glass coffins ever catch on? Remains to be seen.

It is a two-fer today.   Since they're always a variation on a theme, that theme today is what made me laugh when I was half asleep.

 

 
A bus gets in to a terrible crash.

Everybody inside dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates of Heaven, God is there to greet them. He says to the first person, “Before you get in to Heaven, I can grant you one wish.”

The first person in line says, “Well, I wish I was pretty.” God then grants this wish and let’s her in to Heaven.

The next person in line is also granted a wish and also says “I wish I could be pretty.”

When she says this, the person at the very end of the line starts to chuckle.

Everyone in the line thinks that the first two people had a good wish and they also wish to be pretty. As they make their wishes, the person at the back of the line starts to burst into laughter. When it’s finally his turn, God says “And what do you wish for?”

He says, “I wish they were all ugly again”


 

A man was at the grocery store when he suddenly notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She smiles and says hello.

The man is puzzled and can't recall where he knows her from.

He says, "Do you know me?"

The woman replies, "You’re the father of one of my kids."

The man's mind is racing and he goes back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife.

He says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a wet cucumber?"



She pauses and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s elementary teacher."

Saturday, October 24, 2020

What do you call a steak that's well done? A misteak.

If you are tired, like I am of things getting more expensive and lining the One Percent's pockets, you will probably smile at this one like I did.
 

 

 

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Homemade Ant Bait for Sugar Loving Pests.

The recipe is simple.


Ingredients:

3 to 4 tablespoons (42 to 56 ml) hot water

1 tablespoon of Borax

4 tablespoons of common granulated Sugar

A wide mouth jar with a top that seals "Reasonably well".  I suggest a jelly jar.


Process:

This needs hot water to mix all the ingredients.

Use oven mitts so you don't burn yourself.

Add the hot water to the empty jar.

Add the 4 Tablespoons of Sugar to the water.

Stir or shake until the simple syrup is made.

Add 1 Tablespoon of Borax to the liquid.

Stir or shake until the mix is complete.  It will be clear when you are done.


The Use:

I place a few drops to a teaspoon in an old bottle cap.  

The mixture will be about as thick as a maple syrup. 

Do not "Fill" the cap as the ants will need a way to get to the liquid to feed.

Place the cap near or on the ant trails and allow them to feed.


While the mixture is reasonably safe to handle, do not use consume or drink this as you will be eating borax which is used in the laundry to assist whitening and cleaning of your clothes. "Not For Internal Use" (or external use I would assume).

Even though some toys like "Slime" are made with Borax, Don't eat the stuff.


The Story is simple.  There was an ant bloom coming in from next door and we sprayed and put down ant bait.  That kept them away for a while, but we are in the wet season so every time it rained, they came back.

This worked on multiple species of ants, in my garden and seems to work by causing a "Colony Collapse".  They feed on the bait, take it back to the colony to share and it sickens them until the colony can no longer support itself or the queen.  Then they "disappear".

This works on pests that eat sugar and sweets of which are many species. 


Since this is so amazingly cheap to make, I always try this before spraying.  It just requires patience for it to work.

Sunday, October 18, 2020

Our wedding was beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.

 
 A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. 

He asked his client how his grandfather died. 

This was his client´s startling answer. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."




A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.

At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.

The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.

By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".

The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".

The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."

Saturday, October 17, 2020

What do you call cheese made out of clay? Terracottage cheese!

It's a Triple Play of three jokes today!

 

 

 

Trying to work out which new mattress to buy

So I'm looking to buy a new mattress right... the old one is about two decades old! and it's seen better days. I've been hunting around, looking left and right, do I go to a store, do I buy one online, do I buy one that gets posted that comes in a box or gets delivered by a truck. Do I get memory foam, fabric, cotton stuffing, do I get one with foam springs or the traditional coil type? I think I've found the one I want, it's cheap, looks good, comes in a box etc.

I'm completely ready to buy it now after six hours of solid research but then I figured I'd sleep on it...



I saw a Pirate walking down the street,

Being that it's halloween, I normally wouldn't think twice about it, however there was a distinct difference between this pirate and any other I had seen before.
He had a large steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.
I must say that I was intrigued so I approached this pirate and politely asked "excuse me, Mr. Pirate. What's the steering wheel on the front of your outfit supposed to be for?"
To which he replies : "ARRRRR, I don't know matey, But it's Drivin' me nuts".



Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to reveal she is completely naked. As my mouth hangs open she says: “Everything you can see between my legs is yours”

Rubbing my hands in anticipation I drop to my knees and say: “Right, I’ll have your TV, Stereo, Coffee Table, soda, fireplace...”

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Three Thousand Posts on Ramblingmoose.com

I guess people still read this, although it's amusing to think that I must have a knack for technical writing.

What I mean is that I've had this blog since at least 2009, and while I am doing one original post on Wednesday Mornings (Eastern) and two Joke posts on the weekend, it's these posts that I wrote while doing something "involved" with tech.

I mean tech broadly, because I could get all wordy about plastering or caulking, and without caulking you will ruin your walls.

Walls are important.

Over the last month, I have gotten quite a few reads on this blog, and while my own needs are stable at the moment, when I do need to figure something out, I put it here.

So here are the top ten for my blog, worldwide, for the last 30 days.  The first five get hit every single day.

1)  How to get Tap To Click back on Debian 10.  I use Linux exclusively.  You should too.  My laptop is from 2014 and the thing is faster than most.  If it were using windows like it came with, it would be crawling and full of "cruft" on Windows 8.  But with Debian, it flys!  The reality is that under Debian Linux, a 12 year old Core 2 Duo laptop with 4GB of memory is fast enough for most home use.  I do video and audio editing, and more on my 6 year old laptop.

2) Installing a Backing Rod.  I will be doing this again.  I'm in the middle of plastering cracks in the bathroom, and once I'm through, I will start caulking the crack between the wall and the tub.

3) Tips for Syringe Feeding Your Dog With Chronic Renal Failure.  When a dog is ready to go, they will tell you.  Lettie did.  We think we kept her alive an extra year doing this.  She finally simply stopped me from doing this any further when she was ready.  She put her paw on my hand when I sat down with the syringe and looked deeply into my eyes. 

This was the all time article I have written, with over 6100 reads.

4) Gold Medal Flour - Extraordinary Buttermilk Biscuits Recipe.  I put this recipe up because I kept losing it.  A really good biscuit (shortbread, not a sweet treat for my British Friends).  

5) Ruined Your Cream Cheese In The Freezer - Here's Your Fix.  Cream Cheese does not like to be frozen but it can be brought back to life if you slipped up.  I'll have mine with some Nova Lox and a good Toasted Sesame Bagel as my Jewish friends taught me to enjoy, but that takes a long drive for me.

6) The Broken Poang Story or You Want To Drive Across The County For a Bolt?.  As tall as I am, these chairs fit my frame perfectly.  I'm writing this seated in a Poang Rocker that I was given for my last birthday.  Thanks!

7) Propagating Ruellia, The Mexican Petunia.  Real Easy, and if you have a warm climate, you can do this.

8) Mango Jam Recipe, Fresh From the Bread Machine.  Mango Jam is amazing, truly easy to make, and if you can home can, you'll have it all year.  

9) Pat's Pizza Dough Recipe.  When my sister got married, she was given a bread baking recipe book.  I hand wrote this onto a small square of paper and still have that.  It is a good recipe, I use it frequently, and it's best if you make it after dinner and slow rise it in the fridge overnight.

10) I Hate Apple, or Reclaiming Local Access to Pictures in iOS 14.  So the deal is that I take a lot of pictures with my phone.  I use the phone like a computer and not like a little tiny etch-a-sketch like most do.  If I can't plug it into my Linux computer, and get the pictures off easily, it is worthless to me.  This gave me basic access to the pictures.  I still don't like living in Steve Jobs' walled garden  and would vastly prefer an unlocked and rooted Android Phone.  But for now...

So that would be it.  I will continue writing regularly as long as I have something to say.  I think there are some things I need to do that are long enough to be worthy of repeating here, I'm not fond of saying things that are just a lot of hot air. 

Sunday, October 11, 2020

What's in the middle of a coconut? The letter o.

You know, I'm not too fond of the wealthy.  Every time I have run into one, they demand preferential treatment and basically give some nasty attitude.   My normal comment is that kind of person should be taxed out of existence.   After all, it worked and worked well for Denmark.


 

 A mean, yet wealthy women's husband dies...

She goes to the preacher in the town and tells him, "I want you to preach my husband's funeral. I also want you to call him a saint."
The preacher shakes his head slightly and says, "ma'am, I cant do that. He wasn't known as a good man around these parts..."
"I will give a check right now for $50,000. But you must say he was a righteous saint."
The preacher thinks for a minute and agrees.

The day of the funeral comes and the preacher goes before the small crowd.
He says, "This man was a wicked man. He lied, he stole, he ignore the widows and orphans. He belittled the people around him and made everyone who met him to hate him."
He looked at the irate widow and smirked, "but compared to his wife he was truly a righteous saint."

 

 

And since we can't travel, why not dream of the idea.  Maybe a short hop from Fort Lauderdale to Freeport, Bahamas?



Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry’s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.

“Wow” the leader gushed “that’s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long.

“Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips…………. and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.”

“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us” the lady said “maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary” she said with a smile

“Well” Jerry said “I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up.”

Saturday, October 10, 2020

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

Haven't you looked at your pet, dog, cat or other trusted companion and said: "I wish I could have just 30 minutes to be able to talk with them and have them understand?"

I think this scientist took this a bit too seriously.



A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn would, but it would have the mental capacity of a human being. Dr. Holmes instantly took a liking to the young deer, who he considered to be the son he had never had. He nurtured it tenderly and provided the fawn with all he desired.

Once the deer had begun to mature, Dr. Holmes decided it was time to begin homeschooling the young buck. He taught him to read, write, and speak. Next, he taught him basic arithmetic. Of course, Dr. Holmes decided to teach him science as well.

They started with geology. Unlike the other subjects, the deer struggled from the get-go, failing to grasp any of the basic concepts. One day, the doctor announced a pop quiz. He would hold up a picture of a rock, and the deer would have to identify it. The first rock was a light tan rock.

“Is it an igneous rock?” asked the young buck.

The doctor shook his head.

“Hmm, metamorphic?” the deer tried again.

The doctor shook his head once more. Dr. Holmes then looked at his creation, sighed, and said disappointingly, “It’s sedimentary, my deer bot son.”

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Insecticidal Soap or Engine Cleaner Recipe

(Recipe at end)

There's an old ethnic joke that I will clean up for you.


How do you know there is no ice in that country?

The little old lady with the recipe died.

Why the joke?  I tend to be that little old lady.  Other than being male, 6'4" and not really all that old aside, I have a habit of collecting odd helpful recipes and things that can be really helpful.

The garden picture shows it.   That is directly in front of my patio.  There mixed among the weeds and the Croton, I have some Basil.  Fresh basil is easy to grow, and unfortunately I am not the only one who likes it.  Mine got infested with mites.

The leaves on the basil that are curly and not "regular" are the ones where the mites were, and I didn't want to bomb the garden with persistent chemicals that would render the plants useless to use on the Pizza that I grow it for.

Insecticidal soap is apparently trivial to make.  It doesn't really have to be anything specific.  I use "Blue Dawn" dish detergent.  If you can use it to cut the grease on your dishes, you can use it on the food that goes onto the dishes. 

Or under the leaves.  

I have been using this recipe (below) for a while now, and it has reduced the number of mites, scale insect, and other nasties that want to eat my crop before I do.

But why the engine picture?  I got a wild hair, and sprayed it all over the motor.   That motor is a 18 year old Jeep Wrangler 4.0 Liter inline 6 cylinder that was smelling like old motor oil when I would park it.  Since I did the last oil change myself and managed to get some of the oil on the surfaces, I also decided to do a very rare spray of that insecticidal soap solution.   Allowed it to sit for about five minutes, and it cut the grease in there quite well, if I do say so myself.

On the other hand, while I may be a little crazy to use the stuff that way, I won't do it often since I am concerned that that may be a bit too aggressive.

I really don't recommend it to be used for that, but it did work.

Use it on your engine at your own risk.  I will use it on my Basil for my own pizza.


Recipe:

5 mL or 1 teaspoon Blue Dawn Dishwashing liquid.

450 mL or 16 Oz of water.


Process:

Add the water to an empty and clean spray bottle.

Add the Dawn Dishwashing Liquid.

Mix and use as needed.

Don't forget to rinse after application.  Nobody wants soapy vegetables and fruit.

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit!

 
A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.

Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.

Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee. "I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"

Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"

"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.

"Yes sir, but-"

“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.

"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"

“Then tell me" he shrieks, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already!? Is it because I stink of sweat? Because I'm unprepared and underdressed? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"

"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"

"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realises his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"

His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly leaves the same way he came in.

He then flips over right-side up, goes back in, and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Your momma's so fat... no one can socially distance her.

 I know these Yo Momma jokes are beyond dumb but heck they make my inner 12 year old smile.  You just don't see too many of them these days.

Or as a song called "Ya Mama" by "Wuf Ticket" says:

When you're in a crowd, Just Shout out loud!  Ya Mama! Ya Mama! Ya Mama! Ya Mama!




An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the Cinema."

The man goes around the corner & stuffs the Chicken into His Trousers.

He returns to the window, buys His Ticket & goes in.

Inside the Cinema, the Chicken starts to get hot & begins to squirm.

So the Man unzips His Trousers so that the Chicken can stick It's Head out & watch the Film.

Seated next to Him is A Woman. She looks over at His Lap & is horrified.

She Elbows Her Friend Agnes & whispers, "Agnes, This Man over here has just Unzipped His Trousers."

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. You've seen One. You've seen them all."

Madge says, "I Know. But this One is Eating My Popcorn."

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

I Hate Apple Or Reclaiming Local Access to Pictures in iOS 14 Or How Linux People Think Too Much To Live In A Walled Garden.


If you are looking for a bit of help to set things back to the way that the phone was on pre iOS 14.0 try these things.

In Settings:

Camera - Change  Formats to "Most Compatible"

Apple ID - iCloud, Photos should be Off to leave the photos on the device.  

iCloud Drive - I turned this off to retain control of my data.

General - Airdrop should be contacts only so you don't get "weird stuff sent to you on a bus".

Photos - Turn off iCloud Photos, My Photo Stream, and Shared Albums.

This allowed me to have full access to the photos locally when I plug the phone into the cable to the laptop.

The Long Story:

Maybe this all started before the phones.  Maybe I should be blaming it on T-Mobile, I am not completely sure.

I've had T-Mo since before I moved to Fort Lauderdale Area, say back to 2003 when I got my first cell phone when I was on vacation on a Florida area code, and went back to Philadelphia.

I have been quite fortunate that a very good friend of mine gave me a couple of his old Android phones over the years.  One "stuck".  It's an 8 year old Samsung Galaxy S4 and I have been able to root it gaining full control, then install an "alternate" version of Android called LineageOS when true to form, Samsung stopped supporting the thing after two years.  That particular eight year old phone has a fresh 8 day old operating system that is still supported.

If it isn't rooted, you don't fully own it.  It is like having a car that you can only drive on Northbound roads. 

T-Mobile will be switching to a new network connection protocol called VoLTE.  Voice Over LTE.  5G to the rest of us.

But it is uncertain whether that beloved S4 phone will still be supported.

I am waiting for Q1 2021 to see which of these phones will actually work on the network.  I vastly prefer Android since I know more than a little bit about the Linux operating system that they are based on.

A Smart Phone Is A Computer That Makes Calls.  If I can't use it as a computer, its use is highly limited to me.

That brings me to Apple and my complete disdain for the company's design practices. 

You see over the years, I've been given iPhones.

Currently, working are an iPhone 6, and 7.  I was told that I should have them because the 6 "Is too old for me" and the 7 "has the better camera and you need it for your blog and for skating".

Generous, but still, iOS does not like me.  They have a nasty habit of hiding things from me.  Microsoft is doing the same thing these days with Windows 10.

You see the 7 came without any way to use a NORMAL pair of headphones.  You know, that little plug thing that we have all been using since the 1980s?  Those dozens of headphones that you collected over the years?  Yeah they are worthless on an iPhone 7.  Go get an adapter.

Some clueless designer decided that thin and gorgeous is better than useful and compatible.  I guess that is a pretty good view of how Apple designs things. Consider that using an iPhone without a case is dangerous, and now I have a case on that phone that weighs about a half pound and definitely is not thin and gorgeous.   242 grams because you actually want an extra battery to be able to use it without thinking about Range Anxiety.

Mind you if I am trying to take pictures or video while I am about town the camera works, and the phone has 128GB of space on it.

But I still can't listen to the headphone of choice while I am skating because it does not fit.

The other reason why I was given the 7 was so that I could do Facetime with my sister on her birthday.

I am sure you folks have done many more video calls than I have, I use the phone for internet radio and photos for this blog... when I have the headphones that work.

After a rough night sleep last night I took a pre-dawn picture of Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) on the floor near my foot and thought nothing of it until after a successful Facetime test call with someone here.

Anyway, I said that I had some pictures on the phone that I needed to get off the thing and copy to my laptop.  You know what?  They were not there.  My pictures were no longer on the phone.

You see the iPhone cajoled me with a red dot that said I should upgrade the phone to iOS 14.0.1 NOW.  New!  Shiny!  FasterSaferBetter!

Rule One of Project Management.  Never force a major change to a system without getting permission from the main user.

You or me.  We are the users, we own the system.  They need permission from us.  It isn't the other way around.

Except.  If it isn't rooted you don't own it.  Welcome to Apple, do as I say, not as you need.

The theory with Apple is you live in a walled garden.  My theory is that the only thing that the Walled Garden has a lot of similarities to a Prison Exercise Yard.

You see, they have disdain for the open world that I personally subscribe to.

Where they say they have "upgraded" the phone, my pictures vanished.

Where they say they have "upgraded" the camera, my pictures came up in a strange format.

It took me about an hour of hunting to find the hidden tick box that allowed me to make the pictures visible when I plugged the phone to the side of my laptop, then another hour to find another way to get the pictures back into JPEG format.

Mind you, the version of Linux I use, Debian, is known to be "conservative".  They take their time and do very measured updates.  When I do an update to my laptop, it is a novelty and on my schedule.  Things Do Not Break.  It Just Works.  I use it and enjoy it, and it does what I want, not what That Dead Guy thinks it should.  If I want to change something, I can and do.

It also means that when Apple decided to change the format of the pictures to a weird format, I had to go into the camera and change them back.  Then launch the weird format pictures into a program one by one and copy and paste them into another piece of software to put yesterdays dozen or so back into JPEG.

Why?  I Was Not Asked.  The reason seems to be storage and that there is a newer standard for DSLR use that is supposed to be more better-er for video.  Well, just throw out your old toys and make new E-Waste, you won't mind will you?

The problem is like someone went to your garage, switched the engine out on your car while you were not watching, put in a Diesel engine and left you with enough fuel to get to the filling station... without telling you.

I hope you noticed that the filler cap is now green.  You didn't?  Car won't go now will it?

I don't care if the standards have shifted, mine have not.  Not yet, later.

The moral of the story?  Let go of my ears I know what I am doing. 

Or Linux People Think Too Much To Live In A Walled Garden.

As my good friend in Atlanta says, with a shrug, "It's Just Apple and Apple Just Sucks".

Personally I think that there's a worm in that apple called a fetish for mimimalism and it needs to be excised. 

It used to be "Think Different".  Now, It seems to be "Don't Think At All".

Sorry but Momma Didn't Raise A Fool.

Sunday, September 27, 2020

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didnt like it

 And speaking of British Humo(u)r, this little one is talking about the Girl Guides.  That is what they call the Girl Scouts.  


Girl guides


I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now THAT'S a a door bell"



A man has found water while digging in his backyard

For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine and dug a deeper hole until he found water.

Neighbours, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what's happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:

"Well, well, well ... what have we got here ?"

Saturday, September 26, 2020

If looking good is a crime then you're looking at a law abiding citizen

I have a habit of putting up jokes on the weekends, a remnant of the times that I had been writing something every day.  I get these things from various sources, and in this case, someone British shared this one, and I encountered it.  

 I guess they like this pub in Uxbridge.  The only other Uxbridge I know is a rather pedestrian condo complex in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.  That one replaced some forests there.

I'd rather have forests than condos but that's just me.

 

 

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Bougainvillea Bondage or Merely My Macrame Masterpiece

When you have a garden that you wish to conserve, you eventually have to make a decision.

The house here is old enough that the original plantings are now quite old.  I have a few prize plantings of Bougainvillea that predate my ownership by quite a few years, and I am assuming that they predate the 1980s.  The house is either built in the 1960s or 1950s, even the city does not know.

However, those Bougainvillea arbors have a few problems.  Being in the tropics, it means that eventually they get chewed up by some rather aggressive ants and termites.   The big black Carpenter Ants that are endemic to the Northeast have a distant cousin here.  Black with an amber translucent middle to them, they create a home in a hollow of a trunk and get protective of that spot.

Ask my one finger how protective that can be.

So through time, they move in, hollow out a cavity, and eventually cut off the circulation of nutrients to the rest of the plant.  When the plant is larger around at the base than my skater's beefy quadriceps muscle, and the inside of that same plant is hollowed to about as thick as an egg shell, I have to do a few things.

Being in Florida, and past the peak of the hurricane season, I could have ignored it and let mother nature take its course.   That arbor is lashed to the fence by ropes and zip ties as well as some sturdy anchor bolts.  But the rope is older than my own 14 years in the house by a long shot.

The last storms that came through snapped the cords and lashings.  The plant would have been on the ground instead of leaning against the roof.


Every time I trim that plant, I save anything that looks like it has life in it and plunge it into a nursery pot hoping that it will root.  Also since the flower color is salmon and not magenta, you really want to match the cuttings.  

Picture me, on a 93 degree day, (34c by my count) with a bamboo pole that is longer than I am tall braced against the house.  The plant was balanced on that pole so that I could wrap the thing with ugly yellow synthetic rope allowing it to remain in place until the next storm snaps my bindings again.

 

In the meantime, wish me luck.  I don't want to lose the plant, and regrowing from cuttings takes years.  Some of the cuttings are in place, others are started in those nursery pots.  I am thinking they will be perfect when the next owner takes over in 20 or 30 years.  

For now, it is landscaping and gardening season, run amok.

Sunday, September 20, 2020

If you don't succeed the first time, maybe parachuting isn't for you

Truth be told, "Who Do I look Like" is a dangerous response to give anyone in a discussion.  Besides being rude, it's easy to twist back on you.  

 

Who do I look like?!


A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?”

The husband says: “Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber!?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says: “Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says: “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says: “Who do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Oh great! So how much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“So, uhh, what kind of cake did you make for him?” asks the husband.

“Who do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Saturday, September 19, 2020

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Funny thing about this story... I was watching a Dr Pimple Popper yesterday evening and this was pretty much the discussion with one patient.

Plus, it's evil in its own way.  :) 

 

Fire victim gets a skin graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident. The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Godzilla Climbs Mt. Jeep

I don't bother these creatures.  I have transported lizards before and arrived with one looking at  me from a weird crevasse in the car.

I have a live and let live attitude towards Lizards.  Even these invasive Curly Tailed Lizards.

I figure if one gets into my Jeep and does not cause too much of a mess, and survives, I probably needed to set loose a pest spray inside the car.  They are finding food, shelter, and get enough water if they are there for more than a short visit.  

I don't care for pesticides myself.

I just have to say that it is a bit strange looking down into the car when I am inside the house and seeing those little eyes looking back at me. 

 

Now I have been told that we had lizards in Suburban South Jersey where I grew up but I never saw them.   Here in Suburban South Florida I know of two lizards that live in my Florida Room on a permanent basis. 

As a result I have markedly fewer insects invading my space.

I'll take a lizard over a mosquito any day.  It's a case of choosing your guests.  

Besides my hand gets tired flinging that tennis racket around.  The Tennis Racket Of Doom is strung with wires into which voltage is passed at the right current to vaporize what ever bugs are caught to create a circuit between them.  A brief snap, a flash, and that insect has gone to its next reality.

Even if that next life will not be a relation to me.

Sunday, September 13, 2020

What do you get if you cross a road with a blindfold? Ran over.

 A perfectly cromulent story for a Sunday morning, I would say. 

(Even if I did have to add cromulent to the spelling dictionary here).


 

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.

The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”


Saturday, September 12, 2020

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

Any Time I can find a story including a Moose, I'm on it.


A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking out at the general store, he asks the cashier what people did for fun around this dull place.

"Can I eat out, are there any good restaurants?"

"Well, there's Maude's diner," she said, "but only if you like cold eggs and burnt toast."

"Clubs? Bars?"

"Ha! Bernie doesn't mind if folks hang out in his garage. But it's BYOB."

The man looked at her and asked, "How do you people not go crazy out here? It's so boring!"

A customer chimed in. "Haven't you been to the frozen lake just south of the town? It's where we go to watch the moose dance. It's absolutely beautiful to see!"

"Yes," nodded the cashier. "We all go to see the moose dance on the ice when it gets dark. They skate and move with such grace. It never gets old."

Unsure how to respond to such a ridiculous idea without offending the townies, the man thanks them and leaves. He spends another two days fishing and hiking and napping and being serene - and going insane from boredom. Sitting staring at his fishing pole, he decides to go to the frozen lake that night. Anything is worth a shot.

Aside the lake, he waits, watching for movement. Suddenly, there is a rustling of the brush, and a giant moose steps out onto the ice. Another two wait on the lake's edge.

"Wow," he thinks. "The townfolk aren't crazy after all."

The moose on the ice begins to slide forward, then splats onto its belly as its hooves slip in four opposite directions. It struggles to stand up, makes it to its feet, and immediately tumbles down again. This repeats for several minutes, and the moose stumbles from the ice. The other two slide toward the center, but one stops abruptly and the second slides antler-first into the other moose's behind. They, too, slip constantly as they try to glide. After ram into each other headfirst, tangling their antlers together, they sidestep awkwardly back into the forest.

The next day the man goes back to the store, and complains to the cashier. "What the hell was with that moose thing you told me about? I went to watch at the lake last night, it was terrible. Just a bunch of clumsy animals falling down."

The customers and cashier all burst out laughing.

"You went last night?" The cashier shakes her head. "Of course it was bad. Thursday is amateur night."

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Sometimes you just need a quiet day to run out of things


I had one of those days.  It seems to parallel what is going on in society to a basic level or maybe I am just putting too much into it.

On the other hand, as my Sister commented, I have always had boxes of parts for projects around and partially projects have a tendency to pile up until you get just that right part.

It was quiet here.  I was alone except the parrot and Rack the SuperDog (TM).  

Being an early riser, I began to work through projects.

A while ago, years actually, someone was trying to park.  From the outside, it looked more like someone was trying to teach himself how to park.  That would be how I ended up with a couple light strips.

Our someone backed over a parking curb, some strips peeled off the bottom of his car, and he zipped out of The Shoppes looking confused.  

Being creative, of course I grabbed them.  Taking them home to test, they ended up being serviceable strips of White LEDs.  

Since then I have used them in a bunch of short term projects.   12 Volt LEDs are amazingly useful if you have "Low Voltage Lighting" around the property.  

If you have parts laying around you can do an amazing amount of good.  The problem is that in Pandemic America, and indeed the world, you will find that parts are getting a bit difficult to come by.  The shipping channels are confused.


Noticing that my light by the shed was fading, and it would be easier for me to replace them, I pulled apart a rather interesting light fixture I had and repurposed the fixture to accept these LEDs.  They mated well to the fixture, and since it was proudly emblazoned with the Made In China motto, I expected mediocrity and indeed got it.

However my little shed in the back corner of the yard now has a rather nice light that is on the low voltage system, even if the Mediocre Chinese Light took my literal and figurative blood to complete the construction.

That repurposing took me two hours while the Barbecue Pork Loin cooked, 350F for about 1:15 or until internal temp was 150F plus 5 minutes rest.

While all this nonsense was going on, I was puttering around the house repairing things that I would not have attempted if I didn't have eyes following me around.

We all have help.  We all have "help".  It's up to you whether that is effective.

Going through all of that, and calling for appointments, and looking for other parts, I noticed I needed a few odd things to repair my skates.  Oh sure I could go out and buy new, but it's kind of a personal thing.  I enjoy keeping my skates rolling, up to a minute at a time for a test, but the parts are getting harder to find.  

So I went online.  I needed Parts.

My one account has a list of "Things Bill Needs".  On there were three different pair of skates.  Since I have not been sponsored in skating since the early 2000s, a Patreon account is not yet in order,  and I went searching with the intent to price out gear, not to buy.  

What is happening in the Inline Skating sport is that the weekend warriors are coming out of hiding, and Dad and Son have graduated to doing more.  Mom and Daughter are joining them too.  It's progressed from being "That Weird Thing They Did In The Nineties" to something so current that it is like the yeast shortage that we went through, or worse, toilet paper.

Maple Leaves are better than Poison Ivy for all purposes.  Just a hint.

One after another of those three pairs went off the Amazon list when they sold out.  Internationally, Inline Skates have become the Latest Hen's Teeth of 2020.

This is to say that unless you dig, you won't find any decent gear.  You see, most sporting goods require constant upkeep.  Gears need to be cleaned, wheels replaced, and plastic and padding degrades.

That last thing means that the plastic on the pair of skates you bought new in 2002 has shattered when you put your size 11 foot into them and you have resigned to tossing them out.  

I had to rescue a couple of skaters as well as someone on a bicycle over the COVID Epidemic Summer.  I always carry a spare Allen Key or three, and just give them out since you will find them all over the place in parking lots.  It's also the same size that Ikea uses to build the Poang Chairs and others, but that's an aside.

One guy had a pair of skates throw a wheel, I rolled up, offered help, and gave him and his wife a key.  After they found all they needed to limp home, I got thinking. 

If I am running through my gear, can I find more?

Actually, no.  Inline Skates are in white hot demand these days.  Not everyone knows which pieces of which items to save for future, ahem, cannibalization skills, so not everyone has jars of old skate bearings just waiting to be sent in for reuse, coach.  

I do.

So if you find yourself in a quiet house, hot gluing things together, consider that the old wartime Britain motto of Make Do And Mend is a good thing to follow, because just like then, you may not be able to find replacement parts.

Just like my workouts, "It's A Marathon, Not A Sprint".  So be patient and cruise through the thrift stores once in a while.  You may find what you need.

Which reminds me... I wonder if they have some size 11 boots?

Sunday, September 6, 2020

What does a pepper do when it’s angry? It gets jalapeƱo face!

Ok, A Bit Gross but here you go!

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“We don’t need anyone,” they replied. 
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime.”
 
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
 
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
 
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
 
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples. ”
 
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
 
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”



Saturday, September 5, 2020

How do you know if you have a polar bear in your refrigerator? The door won't close.

Ok, how about a tasty little joke for a Saturday morning.



Ice fishing

I was in Greenland a few years ago and I wanted to try ice fishing. 

So I went to the local sporting goods store to purchase everything I would need, an ice saw, fishing pole, line, hooks, and a bucket to hold my catch. I drove out to the ice lake, cut a hole in the ice, and got set up. 

I had been there about an hour when another guy set up a fishing hole about 20 yards away from me. I hadn't caught a thing, but as soon as he set his line in the water, he caught a fish. 

This continued every five minutes he'd throw in his line, he'd catch another fish. 

Finally, after 2 hours of nothing, I decided to go over and ask him what his secret was.

He responded "mmmfff to dmakd the mmmf fmmm".

I told him I didn't understand, and he said again "mmmfff to dmakd the mmmf fmmm".

I told him I still didn't understand him, so he cupped his hands under his mouth, spit into them, and said "You have to keep your worms warm."

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

ASMR - An Hour At The Pool Video

I'm sitting here early watching this video upload to Youtube.

I don't really understand the attraction of this kind of thing.  It's called ASMR which is "Autonomous sensory meridian response". 

It's that tingly feeling you get when you hear or see something that excites you on a low level.

Or perhaps not.  I get this same kind of feedback while listening to Uplifting Trance during a Skate Workout, but I have been training hard since 1993.  You know, runner's highs are a wonderful thing.

I can see this being interesting in the middle of winter when you are sitting at a desk and have not seen sun in months.

I also can see at least two or three other similar videos that I can make from the comfort of my own backyard.   

At 6.2 GB per hour for full HD at 60FPS, it's been a long upload.

The video was shot with a camera I have here, obviously, then brought onto my Linux system where I added title cards, and watermarks via OpenShot and Inkscape.  It's possible to do professional video processing on a 7 year old hand-me-down "commodity" laptop running Debian Linux and all the software above.  Nothing bought, nothing Proprietary.

So Enjoy if it is your kind of thing.  For now I'm going to get up and get something to drink as Youtube is telling me I have another hour before the upload is done!

Now that it's done and processing... Whew! 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

How do you cut an ocean in half? With a seasaw!

I'm not a fisherman.  I have thought that my speed would be to have a patio that leans over a river into which I could flick a line, but that would require a lot of planning, and maybe a construction permit or three.   
 
On the other hand these two clowns...





Two guys go on a fishing trip


Two guys, Sheldon and Howard, go on a fishing trip. They start looking for fishes near the ocean. They spend 2 hours finding fishes but don't find any. At that time another ship goes by their ship. They ask the captain of the other ship where they could find fishes.

The captain replies: "You wont find any good fishes in this saline area. Keep going straight ahead and you will hit a fresh water lake"

Sheldon: "Okay sir! Thank you!"

They start moving.

Sheldon asks Howard to take a bucket of water out of the waters and taste it to determine if they had reached the fresh waters.

Howard: "This water is saline"

They move ahead.

Sheldon asks Howard to check the water and finds it is still saline.

They keep going for 4 more hours when Sheldon asks Howard to check the water again,

Howard: "Hold on, let me re-fill the bucket"

Saturday, August 29, 2020

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police!

Insurance people have their own language, their own jargon and of course, their own humor.
 
I had the (ahem) pleasure to work in an insurance company years back, and I have to say that they all had their own way about them. 

This is why when I was reading these this morning, I was a bit surprised to see that I laughed at each.

I mean, have you ever seen an actuary laugh?  Statisticians? 

 

Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each of their companies’ services.

The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one said, “When one of our insureds died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”



 

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. 

He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister.
Anything that touched him caused agony.

The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
 
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
"It will keep the sheet off of him."

 



 

A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.

The agent says "Tell me what happened?"

The client tells him and the agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered."

The client says "Well, let me explain better what happened."

The agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered either."

The client says " I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!"

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Rack Should Not Beg - Video

  

I have become Rack's job.

Utterly.  

You see with a dog as smart as Rack, if you don't keep them occupied, if you don't give them something to do, they watch you.

I do call the breed the McNab SuperDog (TM) for a reason.

He has figured out that there are certain things that I do just before going out.  

Get the wallet, brush my teeth, get the mask, car keys, and other things.

Sometimes he is right and it becomes an explosion of excitement and bedlam ensues.

Other nights like this one, he is wrong and is drafted to stay home and watch the house.

He is not destructive nor does he counter surf, we broke him of that a long time ago with a few metal bowls on top of things.  But he really would rather come with us.

This is one night that the begging got on my nerves, frankly, and I decided to do a little video of Dog Shaming.

Awwww.

It used to be that we could go to the big box hardware stores with him, but now I'm thinking even that is not going to happen with Covid. 

Too bad.  It was a great training tool.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

I could tell you a joke I heard from my watch, but that would be second hand information.

Remember the good old days?  You could walk your dogs into an outdoor restaurant and have a meal with a friend and Man's Best Friend?

January 2000 by my measure.

 

 

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.


The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Saturday, August 22, 2020

You're so old, your doctor is a paleontologist.

See, when you have a two-fer about Grannies, a Paleontologist is on order.



Two Granny Jokes

Timmy, and his Grandma were walking through the park...


Out of nowhere, Timmy spots 5 dollars on the ground. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said : "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground! " Quite sad, Timmy and his Grandmother start walking again.

After a while, Timmy finds a lost toy. Timmy has wanted this toy for ages, so he tries to pick it up, but his Grandma said :"Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!" So they start walking again.

Suddenly, Timmy's pack of chewing gums fell out of his pocket. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said: "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!" And after a minute of whining, Timmy and his Grandma start walking again.

As it is becoming dark, Timmy and his Grandma were ready to go home. They walk home, but the Grandma trips on a small stone, and since she's not the youngest anymore, needs help to get up. So she asks Timmy for help.

He said:

"Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!"





A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.


The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.

Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the granny stopes him. He turns around and asked her:

"What is it granny? Do you want to know why i buy cabbages without taking one?"

The granny looks at him and says: "No, i just wanted to say the price grew. Now it costs 10 dollars!"

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

The View From The Front Porch - A Wilton Manors Florida Sunset

This is my reputation.  I sit in the rocker, in the front room, behind the big window. Sometimes I wave to passersby.  Sometimes I comment on the sunset and how beautiful it is tonight looking West towards the Everglades and Lake O way off in the distance.

My Sister says to me "Oooh! Pics Please".

Others say "Pics or it doesn't happen".

Ok, I'm saying "A Video is Worth A Thousand Words".  This is the view from the porch.  For a while I was going out before sunset, setting up the tripod and time lapse camera, and letting it run.  It is time to get these videos on youtube, and off my hard drive.

It's about two minutes of a time lapse of a Wilton Manors Sunset.  I think it is one of the better ones from the collection, but I keep watching because they're almost always beautiful and almost always worth a glance over my right shoulder to see the colors.

I normally announce it on facebook when it's a good one, and I may just get the camera back out again.   Who knows?

For now, you can enjoy this.

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Why did the blonde return the vacuum cleaner? It sucked.


The man who loved tractors


There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). 


The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife.
His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.
She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
 

Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck.
She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.
 

He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn.
He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper.
 

He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.
The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor.
 

But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky.
So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in.
 

I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. 

When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever. I mean, hindsight is 2020.

I guess I can post this one, after all, I was told I am part Irish.  

Yeah, that's what I'll go with. 

 
Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

Very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

No, Rack, Walk ON the Grass. Cutting Corners Is Not Allowed.

I am convinced that this is being done for my entertainment.

That or my dog's entertainment.

Mind you, I know that Lettie, my departed dog used to do similar things.  She'd sit down or sniff the grass very slowly in front of one house in particular that had barky dogs in it.  The dogs would go insane and when I told her that it was time to go, she merely looked up at me, smiled, and went back to her sniff.

Trust In Dog.

Rack is a much more interactive dog than Lettie was.  He is all about the play, and while he will do things for you, he will expect to have a bit of fun while he does it.

This car thing, for example.  

You see, Rack has terrible aim.

He is one of a very few Yellow Footed Collies that I have heard about.  Yellow Footed as when he goes to lift his leg on that rock at the foot of the driveway, he misses.  More often than not, he will spray all over the place.

Like on his feet.

Now you would expect a misfire from time to time, but this is the rule and not the exception for my boy.  

I got tired of this game very quickly after we got Rack.  I solved it by putting a hose and a spray gun on the porch.  The water is turned on all of the time and I would simply spray his feet heavily to wash the misfire off his legs.

"Come on, time to wash your feet" I would say while bent double behind the fence on the patio.

Great, but now we have 45 pounds of dog with wet feet that have not completely drained off.  My solution was to have him walk through the grass and around the car before letting him inside.

As time went on, I realized that I could simply tell him to "Walk in the Grass" and he would do the lap around the car without my tromping the lawn down into a path.  He would continue around the car and up the grass on the other side until he got back to me.   It was our little routine, a trick.

Then he realized that he could cut corners.  

He must prefer to walk on hot black asphalt because he would come closer to the car while he is walking instead of letting the grass clean between the toes.

Mind you, if the car was not on the driveway, he would estimate the car's length and walk a loop around it.  Sometimes he would actually walk it in the grass.

So my passive-aggressive smiling dog would be tracing paths around the yard, smiling, and ignoring the grass.

"No, Rack, ON the grass!" I would instruct as he would cut corners.

They do have their own minds, even if you can't figure out where that mind was.  

We would repeat it until I tired of the game or he did. 

Repeat and repeat and repeat.

Standing at the front of the car but out of sight of little low to the ground furballs, I would make my preferences known and send him around the car again in another orbit.

When he got it right, he would get his release from this dizzying routine and go inside.

I just think he thinks he's getting away with something by walking on asphalt while scurrying around the yard three times a day.

And I am a bit too stubborn to allow all that to happen so there I am bending over to one side of the car, then to the other to watch his progress.

Who knows?  On a day he's not feeling quite so playful, we might actually get it done right first time out.  Another and he is smiling and sneaking around the bumper cutting corners.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

The thing about the roads pretty much everywhere is that in this day and age, people are trying to convince us to take mass transport or to, gasp, walk.  Roads are more crowded, people are more hurried, and it just adds to the general chaos we have in society.  


A man was driving home from work when he got a call from his wife...

“Be careful, honey,” she said. “I saw on the news that there’s some idiot going the wrong way on the highway that you take to get home.”

The man was confused.

“What do you mean?” he said. “There isn’t one person going the wrong way, there are hundreds of them!”

 

 

And since it is sunday and I am feeling a bit generous, before I go into the kitchen and see what I have around to make for lunch, here's a story about a fish and an ant.

 



Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish. Despite everyone telling them it was wrong, they fell in love.

One day they eloped and moved into a cottage by a pond. Their only neighbor was Mr. Frog

They lived many happy years together and then something unexpected happened; they had a baby.

They were so happy and their child grew up to be most peculiar. It seemed he could do anything he put his mind to.

He got straight A's in school. He had two part time jobs. He was the star player on three sports teams. And he volunteered around the community.

Mr. Toad was amazed at him. One day he pulled the child aside and asked, "How do you have time for everything you do?"

And the child said, "Well, I guess its because I'm a fish-ant."

 

Saturday, August 8, 2020

An onion just told me a joke. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

 I usually don't lean towards blond jokes.  The presumption that someone's hair color turns them into a mental houseplant is a strange one, and most of the people I have met who are ... slow, have had dark hair.

However since I have been laying low since I pulled a back muscle last week, this one fits.

Not to worry, I'm on the mend and expect to be back on skates this week.

But...




Visiting the doctor.

A brunette walks in to see her doctor and explains that she has a very serious problem.

“You see doctor, my entire body hurts”

She then proceeds to touch all over her body saying ouch every time.

The doctor sits back on his chair, rubs his chin for a few moments and then says..

“You’re not naturally a brunette are you”

“Well no, I’m naturally blonde - I dyed it because of it the stereotyping that goes with. Why do you ask?” She replies

“You’ve got a broken finger” replies the doctor.



And as my British Friends would say, In for a Penny, In for a Pound...





A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.” He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.” He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset she leaves.

The day after that she decided to dye her hair, use makeup to change her facial appearance, and wear a completely different set of clothes.
She goes the same store and tells the salesman, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”

The same salesman once again tells her, “I cannot sell to blondes.”
Upset she finally asks him how he knows it is her.
He tells her his reasoning and says, “I know because that tv you want to buy is a microwave.”

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Post Storm Grass and Dragonfly Squadrons

Among the weirdness that has been 2020, I now have a squadron of Dragonflies.

Mind you, I rather like these creatures.  They have been around much longer than have been mankind. 

I am fairly certain why I have them here as well.   We do not treat the grass like most people do to keep the grubs away.

While many areas do this sort of thing, maintaining your lawn with pesticides in some strange recollection of a British Past, this is the tropics.  My little community is built upon a sandbar that was once a swamp and before that most likely a part of a beach.  I expect that within 100 years, it will be a beach again since we've managed to ruin the environment for "Profit!".

That this is the tropics means if you spray things on the ground, they soak quickly into the aquifer through all that sand that we pretend is our soil and you end up soaking your neighbor's pesticides onto your own grass when watering day happens, twice a month here in Broward county.

We have little signs on our yards stating that here there are poisons, stay off until dry.  You end up wondering if there really is anything there, or will your bare feet end up sprouting cloven hooves and glow in the dark as a result.

Not spraying my own yard allows these grubs to become whatever they were, in my case a squadron of dragonflies.

I also have quite a few white Snowy Egrets march across my front yard on a regular basis trying to find what they will for brunch.  They do so in their own entertaining herky-jerky motion, dipping their rapier like beaks into the sandy loam and moving onward like a drinking glass bird.

Don't break those, I've been told that the glass drinking glass birds are filled with a poisonous liquid.  Just a suggestion...

In the weirdness we have all had, we were just brushed by what was Tropical Storm Isaias (or however it is spelled and said).  It didn't create too much damage, here, and left regrowing into a category one hurricane by the time it made it to North Carolina.

Before it had even completely left South Florida, the dragonflies had begun to hatch.  They always come after a rain, and we had just had a week or so of daily soakers.

I welcome them, no matter how many we get.  The dragonflies eat the evil mosquitoes that have a nasty habit of finding me, personally, and dining on my ankles and legs.  That would be why I am always in long pants, preferably Jeans.  Never stand long in one place and always wear protective clothing.


We had so many dragonflies dive bombing the yard, that standing on the corner of my property you could hear their wings flapping in a soft clapping as they dodged through.  It wasn't quite a Locust Swarm event, but it was markedly more than I had ever seen. 

Stepping off of my porch for the evening dog walk, surprised, we left the property with Rack our Faithful McNab Dog.  Getting further down the block, there were fewer dragonflies and noticeably more mosquitoes.  You can thank me later.

Coming back I had grabbed this small section of a picture of my lawn.  A few leaves and there are three dragonflies in that small square.  One is looking right at you, just above the website address.

Finally getting back into the house, we were stopped.  There was one last dragonfly that wanted to come in with us.  It landed next to the door and tried to gain entry.  I did manage to change its mind by squirting it with the hose on gentle mist long enough for us to dart into the house.   It hovered at the door watching us like it belonged in our party.

Strange creatures sometimes appear when you least expect it.  Then they eat your mosquitoes and move on. 

We are seeing the numbers decrease in balance with the numbers of mosquitoes, but since it is in day nine of rain I don't think we will ever see the end of them.

Sunday, August 2, 2020

Random Hurricane Thoughts on Isiais

This is one of those things that you do if you are a blogger.  You have a self imposed schedule and you put in place holder articles so that you may maintain it.
On the other hand, Nothing really happened here because of the storm.  We're safe here, my friends, my town, my neighbors are all safe.  I understand it's weakening so I believe that the Bahamas should be fine, although I have not seen anything crop up on the news services.

Never mind, I wrote this blather, and I shall let it go live!  Live on!  Live on, little blog posting that few shall ever read!!!!

First off, "ain't nobody" can say that damn name.  Two years down the line, people will still be saying it wrong.

So here it is Saturday Morning, and the storm is working it's way up through the Bahamas.  I expected it to be here, and to be in My Chair By The Window watching the weather but only two feeder bands.

Now they are expecting the thing to skitter along the coast and never quite make landfall here in Florida.  It's already hit the Bahamas, and I haven't heard any reports from there yet.

The joke in my family is that it's going to Clint Moore Road in Boca Raton.  That is the apparent southernmost limit of where the freezing weather can get.  I'm about 8 miles south of that, and that it is just someone at the Weather Service playing around with me and the rest of us here.

Ok, so I am stretching the point and have a bit of OCD about that particular place.  Besides, it is August, and the warmest week of the year starts on August 7th so no worries about freezes.

So far so good.  Here in Wilton Manors, we expect nothing worse than tropical storm force winds.  I have stowed the Orchids that haven't grown the roots to the fence, the Lean-To shade is stored, and I have thrown the plastic yard furniture into the pool.

That furniture bleaches up real nicely in the salt system that we have back there and will be clean for the next one.

This isn't to say that a Tropical Storm can not hurt you.  Please take appropriate care.

If you see this either my power went out or I decided on Sunday Morning that it's better than putting a joke out there.

But since you expect that out of me on a weekend, this is appropriate so it just may stay!


A woman brings her son to the beach

She fusses over him and tells him to be careful when he goes in the water.
Suddenly she sees a wave hit him and the ocean pulls him under.
The woman screams and runs to the water.
Falling to her knees she begs God, “dear lord, please bring my only son back to me. Please lord, he’s all I have in my life.”
Moments later the sun shines down from beyond the clouds and the boy, coughing but alive, steps out of the water.
The mother looks up at the sky and yells “he had a hat!”