Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

I will say that when he got his money, Bill Gates did fund a large charity working for the improvement of humankind.

"The primary stated goals of the foundation are to enhance healthcare and reduce extreme poverty across the world, and to expand educational opportunities and access to information technology in the U.S.".  

 http://www.gatesfoundation.org

Unlike many oligarchs, so I wouldn't be as harsh on him as I would on some of those narcissists.



Bill Gates died and met God.

God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill said, "What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean white sandy beach with clear water.

There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

“This is great!" said Bill. “If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

“God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming in hot flames in a dark cave as he was being tortured by demons with pitchforks.

“How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill groaned "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. “That was the screen saver."

I started the alcohol diet. It’s great. I managed to lose 3 days last week.

 Ya know... I probably should have saved that one liner for next wednesday.  It would go best with New Years Day but hey that's where we are today I guess!

I may as well follow it up with these!





Max walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: You're in early Max, what's the story?

Max: I'm celebrating a six month effort to complete a jigsaw puzzle.
Bartender: Six months? Is that good?

Max: Well it said 8-10 years on the box.
Em         



Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Got mugged outside the local shop last night and was repeatedly hit over the head with a flute, a double bass, and a violin…
The police are convinced it was an orchestrated attack.


Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Happy Holidays From Ramblingmoose.com

Happy Holidays from Me, Bill, at Ramblingmoose.com.

(All of them, no matter which!)

From the Vanda orchid blooming on the fence, to the hibiscus that I am propagating for a friend. 

From Rack watering the plants, to the kitchen still warm from the recipes that I disgorge forth.

Happy Holidays to you and yours.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a dog to walk!  The nice thing about holidays here in South Florida is that it's quiet.  Eerily quiet.  I had a whole morning walk where I could walk down the street, look in the shopping displays, see the art, and take my own sweet time.

And taking your own sweet time?  Isn't that what it is all about?

My watch started to make a grinding sound. I think I'm down a quartz.

Perfect little story for a cold Sunday morning.  You will see why shortly!

Three guys walk in a bar


Three guys walked into a bar one after another a carpenter, an iron worker, and a mail man.

The carpenter goes to the bar and orders a drink, he looks around and says hey that guy looks just like Jesus.
Bartender says yup he comes here all the time.
Carpenter says oh well buy him whatever he’s drinking.
Bartender says 1 herbal tea coming right up.

The ironworker comes in gets a drink turns around and goes hey that guy looks just like, bartender says ya Jesus he shows up all the time.
Get whatever he’s drinking on me.
Same thing with the mailman.

Jesus gets up to leave and shakes the carpenters hand and puts his hand on his wrist right away he says my Carpal tunnel it’s gone now I can go back to work thank you Jesus.
Then he goes up to the ironworker shakes his hand and places the other on his shoulder.
He says my bursitis it’s cured I can go back to work now thank you Jesus.
Then he walks up to the mailman who jumps back and says whoa there I’m on workers comp!

Proof that every miss universe contest is fixed. Think about it; every winner has come from Earth.

I never managed to have musical ability "take" in me.  Oh sure, I can mix music tracks, the software we have these days makes it trivial, and I even did a project in college doing the DJ thing with some extended mixes of vinyl.  But an instrument?  A Bagpipe? 

No way. 




 Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area he became lost.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, then stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place.

He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

The piper played out his heart and soul.

As he played, the workers began to weep. He played everything from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd", to "Flowers of the Forest", closing with "Amazing Grace.”

He then packed up his bagpipes and walked back to his car.

As he drove off, one of the workers said to another, "Sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph, I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years!"

If you want my business, don't require an app.

 Oh now don't go all OK Boomer on us.  I don't mean don't HAVE an app.  I mean don't REQUIRE an app.

There is a fine line there and I got my tail dragged all over it.

Yes, this is a little rant-y so bear with me.

I was doing some online shopping.  In this case I was happily looking at things I could justify either way.  Buy or not buy.  I am not exactly floating in money these days, oh I get by but floating in the stuff?  No.

Every time I clicked on a link there was a helpful hopeful link explaining how you can have an app sit on your phone to do all this work.

No.  From a Security Standpoint, No, Just No.

I have a friend up in New Jersey.  She won't do anything with an app and I think she may be onto something. 

So you download their helpful little app and it sits on your phone listening to what you are doing and where you are going as well as assisting you on its intended purpose.  You now have what the gov'mint says  is a vector for attack.  You have to create a signon, give the thing credentials.  It now has a privileged place.  It lives in your pocket or your purse.  When you start the thing, it is going to serve you ads.  The FBI already says if you can block an ad to do so.

I absolutely agree.  Block any and all ads aggressively.  I do so on my laptop with a hosts file and on the phone with a VPN to an ad blocking DNS.  If I see an ad, it is a surprise.

Now while this is shaping into an anti advertising rant, it's probably not the main reason that I give people why I refuse their apps.  It's the size of the things. 

I'm a big dude.  Athletic, 193cm or 6'4".  A fit 85 Kilos, 190 pounds this morning.  Oh sure I could go onto a cutting diet and tune that all down a bit more towards the lean side, but with a BMI of 23.5 I don't have to.  As much cardio as I get in a day, even on the bench as I have been since the last sports injury, I don't pass that dessert cart.

Being a big dude, I have big hands.  Now don't get wild with that parallel, ladies.  I find it difficult to operate a cell phone.  Tablet perhaps is more my size, laptop I am great with.

Linux, Hosts file, Firefox, and ublock origin.  Like I said no ads.

But a cell phone?  Damn things are too small for me.

Went from the general purpose site to a specialized one to do some purchasing.  I'm expecting the economy to "tank" next year and a world wide depression happen.  So I am stocking up on things.  If I had the tools to do so, I'd be lowering the gas tank on the Jeep and repairing it.  That check engine light is not going away on its own.

Repairing things is a good way to live anyway.  The Brits used to say Make Do And Mend, and I like mending my 23 year old Jeep.

So I went on with my purchase. 

Lo and behold the site REQUIRED me to download an app in order to deal with the purchase. 

No. Just no.

And who the site is is not important.  There's this shift to the smart phone that I avoid where possible.

Of course there was a problem with the app.  It simply did not download and there was a subsequent problem with the order.  I missed a tick box and it required me to pay an extra $1.55 for some nonsense called ShipTection.   Insurance on your shipping.

I wrote back telling them to reverse that charge or I will cancel the sale with my credit card.  I also fired off a comment saying that if you insist on charging what sounded like a "Protection Racket" because your method of shipping is so bad, I'll go elsewhere next time.

I'll go elsewhere anyway, I don't like being forced to jump through hoops.

I got everything cleared up, which is why I am not naming names, but damnit no thank you I will not be downloading your sketchy app.

I have quite enough of those sketchy apps anyway, we all do.  ThankYouVeryMuch.

I set up a hotline for people who are in denial and looking for help. So far nobody has called.

How about a wee little story about a place I never expect to see.  Alaska.  Way too cold for my blood.  I can see kayaking, I'm an outdoorsy kind of guy but not in that cold water.




 The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

What do you call an owl who watches children? A hootin-nanny

How about a little Malicious Compliance?   I may have posted this before, if so, you get what you pay for! 



 A drinking story


On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood pub, the police noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he finally managed to find his own car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.   At last, when almost everyone had left, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.   Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” answered the man. Tonight I’m the designated decoy. The rest all got away.”

How Did I End Up With Iguana Proof Hibiscus?

I was warned when I moved here, the Iguanas are aggressive.  I would never be able to grow certain plants. 

Especially Hibiscus.  Beautiful flowers but you'll just be feeding the beasts.

I was alerted one day by a 5 foot long monster feeding on my prized Hibiscus that I bought as a hand sized, six inches at best, cutting with a single yellow flower.  The plant grew to a 3 footer, with that beast grazing in there.

It ran off when I came to the back door, and fortunately for me I was able to rid myself of it when it decided to go for a swim in the pool.

That particular pot got moved closer to the house and was not disturbed again.

However, I noticed that the variegated leaf red hibiscus at the back of the yard was ignored.   "Hmmm!  I wonder if it will propagate?"

Turns out that it does.

Where my night blooming jasmine hedge was beautiful, it started getting old and missing bits of coverage.  Why not Hibiscus?

So I have a hedge once again.  It's a mutt, all sorts of plants in there, and truth be told the mixture bothers me.  It should be ripped out and started over.

But the iguanas leave these hibiscus flowers alone and I am able to enjoy them from the kitchen window.  The flowers, not the iguanas.

I understand that in Port of Spain, Trinidad, they have a wonderful recipe for Iguana Curry... "Jus' sayin'"!

In fact the plant propagates at a better than 80% success rate.   The only drawback is that it does grow well here, a bit too fast, which means I will have to keep the hedge clippers at hand.  It also gives me plenty of cuttings that I can start, you guessed it, more plants.

We are having a propane tank sunk into the front yard, and of course I'll plant more hibiscus around that, as well as in front of the house when they finally finish. 

For now, I have little pots all over the place.  Anywhere I need to catch a drip, there's a hibiscus.  Mom was telling me about how much she appreciated them when she went to Miami on a trip to the Fountainbleu hotel.  I that must be where I got the idea of a hibiscus hedge, listening to her talk about the plants they have trained there.

I guess it is my turn.

Until then, the front yard and the areas where gardens will look a bit spare.  At that point, I can drop some of these little pots into the ground and make more red flowers as well as shelter for the birds that seem to enjoy them. 

Harmless plants, really.  The flowers can be made into Tea that is high in Vitamin C.  No thorns and the grow with frequent blooms.

A Win Win for the garden here in So Flo.

What invention lets you see through walls? A window

 


 A young man who has never had a job finally gets one as a doorman at a nice hotel

On his first day, he arrives in uniform all nervous and serious. He opens the door, greets guests and visitors with a smile, closes the door behind them. He does everything admirably.

In the afternoon, something weird happens. A single bathroom basin - standing on a short support column, with a hot water tap and a cold water tap and no apparent source of plumbing, appears outside the door.

Nervous, the new doorman approaches his manager. “What shall I do”, he asks, “it’s just standing there.”

The manager looks at him gravely, his eyes stern, but still kind with wisdom.

“Young man, I know this is your first real job, and things may be a bit overwhelming to you. But some things - they’re simpler than they seem.” He nods towards the door.

“You have a responsibility now. Let that sink in.”

Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.

 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."





And since I am looking at that wall of text above, why not give you more to chew on?







 The Admiral

An Admiral who lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance was interviewing a Navy Master Chief, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I imagine this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

“And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one damn’ ear.”

Cake Mix From Scratch Recipe - Instead Of Buying Into Shrinkflation Mix At The Market

I usually buy ingredients in bulk.  Flour, for example, I get in a 25 Pound bag that sits on the floor in the kitchen.

When the greedy people in the large food corporations decided to shrink the sizes of boxed mixes from 15.25 ounces to 13 (and a bit), I got angry. 

It would change the recipes and really it is quite a bit sleazy.

So I decided I would test out one of the recipes for a cake mix.

Works for me and I am sure it will work for you.  Oh and it's much cheaper since you are using bulk ingredients.

I used All Purpose Flour which is higher in protein than the usual Cake Flour.  I suggest using up the Cake Flour in the house.  The higher protein content in the AP Flour makes for a tougher baked good.  It was acceptable, but it turned a light cupcake into a muffin consistency.

The quick recipe for two cupcakes (about 100 calories each) is a simple ratio:

1.5 ounces (42g) of Cake Mix
1 ounce (28g) of Milk
1 level teaspoon cocoa is optional and you get really good chocolate cupcake.

Bake at 450F for 12 minutes.

If you want more, scale that ratio up.  I know you have a calculator somewhere!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups (10 ounces) Cake Flour
• 3/4 cups  (6 ounces) Sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons Baking Powder
• 1/2 teaspoon Baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon Salt

The recipe is enough for a single layer cake in a greased 13x9 pan baked at 350F.

To use, add to the mix:

• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/2 cup Vegetable Oil
• 2 Large Eggs
• 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Bake at 350F for 20 Minutes or longer until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

I have made cupcakes with this at 450F (yes, higher temp) for 12 minutes.  Perfect add in for when you have the oven running making frozen foods.

Did you hear that Pavlov got a seasonal job during the holidays? He’s ringing a bell for the Salvation Army!

 I have been saving that particular topic for a while.  Just because I love dogs.

I also love malicious compliance.  After deleting a raunchy little story I deem a bit too racy for my own blog (but enjoy in private), I present you this story.

I think you'll like it.

 Putting a stop to Church gossip.

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing. 

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.

What do you call a bee after it had a few drinks? Buzzed

I have seen this told a number of times and it is a good retelling. Now, if you don't like bears or hunters, it's ok, you will be fine, nobody gets hurt.

A hunter is deep in the woods, stalking bears

When he comes across a giant grizzly drinking at a watering hole. The hunter takes aim and fires, but when the smoke clears the bear's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and finds the grizzly behind him.

"You tried to kill me," the grizzly says. "So you've got a choice - I either kill you right now, or you bend over, drop your trousers and let me have my way with you."

Not wanting to die, the hunter slowly drops his trousers and lets the bear get on with it.

The next day, still smarting after his humiliation, the hunter is back in the woods with a bigger gun. After a few hours, he comes across the same bear drinking at the same watering hole. Again, he takes aim and fires, but when the smoke clears the bear's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and finds the grizzly behind him.

"You tried to kill me again," the bear says. "So same choice - I either kill you right now, or you bend over, drop your trousers and let me have my way with you."

Humiliated for the second time and not wanting to die, the hunter again slowly drops his trousers and lets the bear get on with it.

Day three and the hunter is back again, this time with the biggest gun he could buy. Retracing his steps from before, he finds the same bear drinking at the same watering hole, takes aim and fires. There's an almighty explosion, a huge plume of smoke but again, when it all calms down the bear is nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly the hunter gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and sees the bear again. This time, the bear looks the hunter up and down for a moment and then says, "Look buddy, if you're not really here for the hunting, just say so."

Rack Decides That Tourists Are Fine But Homeless Need To Clear Out of Wilton Manors

 

I am up at Stupid O'Clock.

At this time of year a solid hour and a half before sunrise.  Probably more, it's not specifically important.

I do this so that I can get out and back unimpeded by what everyone calls "Life".  When I am going for a workout, it helps since I live in the furnace called South Florida.  I can get out and back before it is truly hot and people are scurrying for cover in the cool of their air conditioned home.

I'm benched, doctor's orders.  Sports injuries are a bit.. bear... bearish.  I'll leave that there.  But since I am benched, it does not mean that I will sit on the couch with my feet up and get fat.  I get out every morning before 6 and start on the 10,000 plus steps that everyone else is obsessing over.  Four or five walks, and you eventually get somewhere.

Everyone is still asleep except for leftover tourists.  "Hey, go home and do that, the bars are closed" I think as I see someone passing by for the third time in their out of state plated car.

This includes the wildlife.  Ignoring the stray cats that people mistakenly consider "outdoor pets", I see quite a few different creatures out there.  Some don't like that I am coming by with an elderly companion, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) and I hear rustling in the brush.

Rack has selective hearing at this point in his life.  I am never quite sure if he hears what I have to say, and I say a lot to him.  He's not hearing that rustling nor is he hearing that tourist approaching for the FOURTH TIME! 

"Damnit go back to Ohio!" I grumble.

Rack doesn't care.  He's happy because he's out with his people, me.  It is a bit much of a walk for him, by the evening he is pulling me away from certain areas because he's had enough.

In this case there's a parking lot.  It's quite dark in the predawn hours.  I make it a point to tread lightly.  Since Fort Lauderdale has passed an ordinance criminalizing sleeping outdoors and basically being homeless, I have noticed an uptick of random people coming through here.  An encampment is beginning to happen in front of "The Shoppes" which are so close to my house that I can see a back wall through the trees.

I'm walking Rack who is a dog who has always enjoyed meeting people and plodding along.  After all I have not had my first mug of coffee.

Rack blocks my way and stops me.  I look at him and then ahead.  One of the people at the encampment is getting a bit too close for comfort.  Rack begins to grumble, first quietly, then rather noticeably.

"I guess not!" I hear the denizen say.
"He's not feeling social this morning.  Good bye!" and I make an excuse to keep going.

I round the last corner near the house and mutter "How about that, after all these years, I have a protector."  They don't know he doesn't have all his teeth and never has.  He looks back at me and smiles.  I guess he has heard that one.

Now that the Nighttime Visitors have all disappeared, and the sun is up, it's time to out and do the second mile.  Rack is looking forward to greeting some people.  The Iguanas and stray cats can go get lost.

Why did the cat stop moving? Because it was on pause.

We could use them today.  What I call First Winter has hit here in SoFlo.  The temp won't crack 70F or 21C today.  Brilliant sunshine, low humidity.  It feels like San Diego out there!

Did you try turning Florida off and on again?  Our state government surely could use it!



  An Engineer in Hell

An engineer died and was accidentally sent to hell instead of heaven.

He got to work and fixed the A/C and things cooled down quickly.

The moving walkway motor was jammed so he unjammed it.

The TV was grainy and unclear. He repaired the connection to the satellite dish and now pulled in hundreds of high def channels.

One day God decided to look down on Hell to see how his grand design as working out and noticed everyone was happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He phoned Satan and said, “What the hell’s going on in Hell?”

Satan replied, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What? An engineer? I never would have sent you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute,” demanded God.

"No way!” Satan snorted. “We’re going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

“If you don't send him to me immediately I'll sue!" God shouted.

The devil laughed long and heartily and then said, “Really? Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Why can't you outrun a tomato? Because they always ketchup!

 Ok, this did actually give me a mild chuckle this morning.  After having walked 2 and a half miles, in what passes for cold here in South Florida Winter, Why not?


What is the (literal) oldest joke you know?

Mine is this, which is from Ancient Greece:

A man is feeling unwell, so he goes to the doctor. Doctor tells him “You have to stop drinking wine. If you have even one more glass, it will kill you.”

A few days later, the doctor happens to be walking past a tavern when he sees his patient through the window, drinking wine.

The patient catches the doctor’s eye at the same time. He chugs his glass, then rushes up the stairs to the top of the building. He hurls himself off the roof, breaking his neck.

The doctor rushes over. “Why the hell did you do that?” The patient smiles weakly and says “Well doctor, you have to admit it wasn’t drinking wine that killed me.”

How To Turn Off Smooth Scroll in Firefox and LibreWolf

Get me annoyed.  When I am annoyed I will fix things.

Facebook (Yes, I know social media is utter garbage) forced smooth scrolling one day.  I don't know if it was permanent because I removed it.

I Fixed It. 

This is not perfect.  If you have a private chat sub-window open and page up in the main one it will smooth scroll until you click the main page.  Clear as mud?

I use Firefox and Librewolf.   Librewolf is "said" to be better contained than most for keeping spy sites, ads, and Trojans contained and since it is derived from Firefox I use it for Facebook and other "snoopy" websites, and surf the web with a separate Firefox instance. 

Want more security?  Get Linux.

Smooth Scrolling is something I have always found awful.  I turn it off in preferences everywhere, including on dumb terminals and of course Firefox.  Unfortunately Facebook forced it "on".
`
This is how to force your browser to turn Smooth Scroll Off.

Standard Internet Warranty applies - Follow these instructions at your own risk.  Ramblingmoose is not responsible if you fat finger your browser and everything comes up in Sanskrit.  Work slowly and carefully.

Start Firefox or your favorite derivative and follow the steps:

Step 1.  Ctrl+T to start a new tab.

Step 2.  Surf to about:config and accept any warnings about causing damage to your browser.

Step 3. enter in "smoothscroll" in the search bar, unclick the button that says "Show only modified preferences" then hit enter.

Step 4: Change every entry from "true" to "false" as you prefer.  The more that you change over, the less you will experience SmoothScrolling.

Step 5:  Close the About:Config tab. 

That's pretty much it, happy surfing. 

Now... don't get me started on this nonsense about one or two spaces between sentences.  I use two because I use two.  It makes it easier to read and I don't want some software developer in another country insisting that I need to get with the times.

Besides going between Proportional and Monospaced (Fixed Width) Fonts frequently will make your eyes cross.

Get off my lawn.

How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.

Don't you love it when two people are speaking the same language but doing so from completely different angles.   Confusion is fun!



The General and the young lady

Gray-haired Army general walked into a hotel bar and sat down next to a young attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she liked a man in uniform, so she said, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general replied, “I’m flattered, but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She said, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?” “Oh,” said the general. “It was probably around 1950.” “Oh my gosh!” said the woman. “Well, I’m sure it will all come back to you.”

So they ended up in bed and it was pretty wild. The general really had some skills.

When it was all over she said “General, that was wonderful! I’m impressed that you haven’t forgotten a thing since 1950!”

“Well I should hope not,” he replied. “It’s only 2130 now.”

I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

 Truth be told, I tell a lot of dad jokes without realizing it.

Anyway!




A 17 year old Pizza Hut worker parks a stunning Porsche in front of his house...

“Where did you get that car?” his parents exclaim in shock.

“I bought it today,” the teen responds calmly.

“With what money?” his mother demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs, and there’s no way you could afford it!”

“Well, it’s used, and I got a great deal,” the boy explains. “I only paid 20 dollars for it.”

“Who would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”

“The lady up the street,” the boy replies. “She’s new in town. I delivered a pizza to her, and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”

His parents rush over to the neighbor’s house, eager to get to the bottom of this. They find her calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

“I’m the father of the boy you just sold a Porsche to for 20 dollars,” the dad says, demanding an explanation. “Why would you sell it for so little?”

The woman, without looking up from her gardening, responds, “This morning, I got a call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t plan on coming back.”

“But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for 20 dollars?” the mother asks, confused.

The neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and then says, “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Rack the McNab SuperDog Going Deaf Means Entertaining Changes and Opportunities

Ok, so he's old.  13 is old for a dog.  McNabs will normally get around 16 so we should have a few more years left in him.

But yes, he is starting to slow down, show his age.  Aren't we all?

I am finding that while he's older, there are things I can get away with that I could not before.

First of all, he seems to be past that cancer scare we had about a year back.  Whew, right?  I am watching every move, every misstep. 

He is a herding dog after all, living in an urban environment.  If you have one, and you are not taking your dog for very long walks, you are doing them and yourself a disservice.

When I got Lettie, my prior Herding SuperDog, I immediately lost 5 pounds.  She demanded walks, and she would get them.  I was already walking all over Center City Philadelphia to and from trains so the extra four walks a day she would get just put the icing on the cake.

Yes, your herding dog needs four walks a day and I bet I could say that about any other breed of dog.

If you have someone telling you that your high drive dog does not belong in your suburban home, and you are sitting on the couch every day, you probably do need one.  In other words, Get Up And Do Something For Crying Out Loud!

Rack, and Lettie before him both, had the benefit of where I lived.   I am extremely active and I think nothing of walking four miles a day through the business districts I prefer to live near.

There is a good reason for that.  Mental Stimulation.  Think of it as Dog Enrichment.  Seriously.  He shows his preferences for where to go on one of these stupidly long walks I take him on.  Through the parking lots to visit people sitting at the bar near the house.  Greeting people.  Getting attention.

I always leave extra time for us to get around at the 5pm walk because he drags me through the bar if he has a choice just to meet up with people.  I'm nervous because bars mean alcohol but so far his winning smile has saved him.

Mental Stimulation is the key to keeping any dog, especially a high drive herding dog.

Sure I repeat myself but you get what you pay for.  Since there isn't a tip jar here, I'll move on.

Second, our boy is losing his hearing.  As in not quite deaf as a post but he is near that fence line.

Oh sure, I can still get his attention.  High Pitched Noises he can hear.  So me, all 6'4"/193CM and 190 Pounds/85KG of me making Mickey Mouse sounds is not generally going to happen but a high pitched "BIP!" will bring him around.

But what I am finding is a relief.  I am usually pressed for time.  Who isn't these days.  Rack's normal activity was to be let out of the back door and wander around.  He would watch me and if I went into the house, he'd stop what he was doing and come in.

Useful, but having that shadow behavior is a little counter productive.   I can't have your food in the bowl if you are stressed about getting out to water my hibiscus hedge, can I?

Different now.  He can't hear me go back into the house so I sneak in, replace water and food, and go about my own business. 

After all, he got to water the hibiscus, I need to as well.

I am finding it easier to get him into the yard and let him do his thing, even if he prefers me outside with him.

Third, it means for a quieter house.  No extreme barking at the door because the neighborhood stray cat has been heard.  The delivery truck isn't quite so annoying if you can't hear it.  Right now, he's laying at the door.  Snoring.  I have been able to go to and from the kitchen, grab snacks, coffee, and set things up on the table with him never rousing.

I could get used to this even if I do look ridiculous talking like Mickey Mouse.

Well he can't hear that anyway, can he. 

Most likely not.  When I talk to him and he did have hearing, he would wag his tail.  Now I suspect he sees me move my mouth and he's hearing Tinnitus.

There are good hearing days and bad ones.  This is a bad one.   The bells on the clocks are going off and he snored right through them.

I'll allow that.  It's allowing me to get my own things done.  Better than being summoned to the back door because he's ringing the bells I have tied on there for just that purpose.  I am able to take the camera out and squeeze off a few pictures without him knowing I am anywhere near.

It's all about going with the flow.  Sure, he's hard of hearing.  He may be deaf as a post.  But he's my shadow.  We're in the Bonus Years and I will look forward to riding this wave as long as I can.

For now, he's letting things happen.  The minute I get out of this chair, he'll be up and asking for that hibiscus again.

Oh wait... there we go.  At the door!

What's the worst part about eating military officers? The unpopped Colonels.

Somehow I can completely see this happening!  I see way too many tourists here in south Florida.

A gorgeous, long-legged blonde boards a flight for Toronto and takes her economy-class seat, where she remains until after the aircraft is airborne.

Once the flight has reached altitude, she gets up, walks to first class and takes an empty seat. The flight attendant sees this and approaches her, explaining to her politely that First Class seats cost more money and she is not authorized to be there.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

After repeated attempts to reason with her, the attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the flight crew, “We have a problem in first class,” explains, and says, “I can’t get her to move.”

The first officer says, “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

He goes back, introduces himself, and explains to her once again that she has not paid for the seat she is in, so must move back to her own seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

When further discussion gets him nowhere, he goes back to the cockpit and says, “She’s a tough one. I guess the only thing we can do is call the police when we get there and have her arrested.”

The pilot says, “Nah, I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back, introduces himself and politely explains the situation once again.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

He then leans down and whispers something in her ear. Her eyes open wide, her jaw drops a little, then she says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know;” gets up and returns to her seat in economy.

When the pilot returns, the others are dumbfounded.

“What did you do to get her to move?”

“Easy enough. I just explained to her that First Class doesn’t go to Toronto.”

A friend just died of shellack poisoning. It’s o.k. he had a nice finish.

Been here, solved it this way more than once.



Two men stood in the middle of a field, staring at the stubborn fence post that needed to be driven into the ground.

The brainy guy, always one to overanalyze, began listing everything they had to do. “First, we’ll need to construct a blacksmith building to forge our tools. That means sourcing raw materials like iron ore and charcoal. Then, we’ll have to build a furnace to heat the ore until it’s malleable. After that, we’ll need to create an anvil, which requires us to find a suitable block of metal and shape it properly. Once we have the anvil, we’ll need to design and build a sledgehammer, which involves cutting and shaping wood for the handle and forging the hammerhead itself. And don’t forget, we’ll also need to build a proper workspace to house all these tools!”

He continued, growing more animated as he spoke, “Once we have our sledgehammer, we can finally drive the fence post into the ground. But wait, we should probably think about the best technique to use to ensure we don’t split the post. Should we measure the depth first? We might also need to stake out the area to make sure the post is perfectly aligned. And, of course, we’ll need safety goggles—can’t forget about safety! This whole process could take days, if not weeks, before we can even think about getting that post in the ground.”

As he finished his elaborate plan, the other man stood quietly, looking around. With a bemused expression, he pointed to a large rock sitting nearby and said, “Why don’t we just use that big rock?”

Honey Cinnamon Granola Recipe - Three Ingredients Plus Add-Ins

I found that I was munching a bag of Granola and thought "How hard can this be?"

The Answer is Not Very!

The ingredients were simple, and that was what I wanted.   If you want something more "commercial" and "complex" consider the add-ins at the end.  I purposely kept this as healthy and simple as possible.

This makes a little more than a cup and a half of Honey Cinnamon Granola as is.  Adding in raisins, nuts, or chocolate chips will bulk it up but will also add calories.  Without Add Ins, the entire recipe comes in at 580 calories (give or take).

You decide, that's the deal with Granola.

And... Holy Cow! this was good on top of Cottage Cheese and Homemade Mango Jelly for breakfast!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cup Old Fashioned Rolled Oats
• 1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla Extract
• 2 Tablespoons Honey

Add Ins (Optional):

• 2 Tablespoons Raisins (Optional)
• 2 Tablespoons Chocolate Chips (Optional)
• 2 Tablespoons Nuts (Optional)

Process:

• Preheat Oven to 325F.
• To Mixing Bowl, add Oats, Cinnamon, Vanilla Extract, and Honey.
• Mix all ingredients until even.
• Add-ins may be folded in at this time excluding chocolate.
• Pour Oat Mixture on top of Lined Cookie Sheet.  (I used Parchment paper)
• Bake Oat Mixture for 10 minutes.
• Stir the Oat Mixture on the cookie sheet and return to oven.
• Bake Oat Mixture for 5 to 10 minutes until toasted to taste.
• Remove Cookie Sheet and scatter Chocolate Chips if desired.
• Allow to cool and enjoy.

What does a houses wear to a party? Address

 Blah Blah Blah Time To Set The Clocks Back An Hour Blah Blah Blah.

Mom once had a Lincoln Continental.  At least I remember it as such.  She loved that car but it had a clock that was never correct.  Early days of automotive electronics were a royal pain to figure out how to set a clock.

In fact, my own Jeep with the $18 car radio is waiting.

But for now...





The true art of being a husband

One day, a friend invites his best buddy over for lunch. The friend’s wife, being the amazing cook she is, prepares an absolutely sumptuous meal. It’s a feast fit for royalty, and everything from the appetizers to the dessert is cooked to perfection.

As they’re enjoying the meal, the best friend can’t help but notice something curious. Throughout the entire lunch, the host is constantly showering his wife with affectionate nicknames. “Oh, my sweetie, could you pass the salt?” “Darling, this dessert is incredible!” “Honey, you’ve outdone yourself with this meal!”

The best friend watches in awe as the host continues to dote on his wife with these loving terms, with a sense of admiration and affection. It’s all very touching and heartwarming.

After the meal, as they’re sitting back and relaxing, the best friend finally turns to his host and says, “You know, I have to say, I’m really impressed. You clearly love your wife so much. You’re always interacting with her so lovingly. It’s really beautiful to see.”

To this he replied,” you idiot what non sense are you talking,I forgot her name two years ago!”

Imagine the look on the best friend’s face.

How does a penguin make pancakes? With its flippers!

I swear my entire town is a dog park. 

I go for walks with the dog and it takes a half hour to do a mile.  If I don't have the dog with me, I'm asked where he is before someone asks how I am doing.




 One day at the dog park…

One day at the dog park, Sally and Larry walk in with their owner. Sadly, Sally had to be sterilized recently, so she hasn’t been to the park in a while during her recovery. All the other dogs are excited to see her, though, and they’re all asking how and where Sally’s been.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” says Sally.

“We heard that you went to the vet,” one of the dogs says.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” says Sally.

“Your brother Larry says—“ begins one of the dogs, but Sally cuts him off. She shoots a deadly glare at Larry. “Larry, what did you tell them?” asks Sally.

All eyes turn to Larry, who says, “Oh come on, Sally, we shouldn’t have to ignore the elephant in the room. Let’s just call a spayed a spayed!”

Burying a Propane Tank Means Plumbing Issues Happen - The Law of Unintended Consequences Illustrated

I had a feeling this would "end badly" and it seems to have.

We have been "battle hardening" this property against hurricanes since we moved in here in 2006.   At this point we're doing well.

We've replaced the roof, the air conditioning for a more efficient model, appliances are more efficient as they get replaced like the refrigerator and dishwasher.  The stove is Propane gas instead of electric so that we can cook while power is out.  Hot water is supplied by a super efficient unit that is smaller than a suitcase and that runs on Propane.

We've gotten a generator sufficient to power the air conditioning and the refrigerator at the same time since this is Florida after all, and it is dual fuel.  It runs on Propane as well as Gasoline.

Were we to run the Propane tank empty, we could start to use the gasoline out of the Jeep.

The next step was to get a larger Propane tank and relocate it underground and away from the house.   It was "per code" when it got installed back in the Bad Old Days, but code got smarter and having a 100 gallon tank of Propane next to the electrical panels next to the house could end badly.

Can we say "Boom" children?

A side benefit is all this efficiency lowers the "Carbon Footprint" and lowers the cost of running the house on a normal basis.  On a square foot (Meter) basis, we use less energy than the neighbors do.

Finally after getting all the appropriate permitting done and finding a competent installer, we accepted delivery of the monster tank that is getting buried.  We don't try to "get away with any funny business" because I count the Mayor, some of the City Commission, and multiple officers on the Police Force here in this town as personal friends.  Friends will watch over you.  I was told there was an outside chance we will hear from Code Enforcement today but not guaranteed.

So we keep it all legal.

Except.  When homes were built in Florida during "That Era" the material used in some of the construction was weak and will degrade.  Standards have changed, and we have learned here.  That is what happened to the sewer outflow from the house.  The pipe was rendered as thin as tissue paper by years of normal use and as the hole was dug to bury the Propane tank, the pipe disintegrated and collapsed.

I'm waiting on a plumber to reconnect us to the sewer system right now.  It is rigged to accept a light flow so as long as we don't do too much at the same time, it's safe for a shower at this point.  I just checked.

I won't say "Golden" because in this context that means a different thing!

Give Us Strength!

So here we go.  Whether this is "TMI" and too much info, I don't know.  It's all a matter of public record anyway. 

My therapist told me I'm incapable of expressing my emotions. I can't say I'm surprised.

I guess you really have to be specific with what you say to a doctor.  You could end up with all sorts of drama happening if you don't.





 Mr. Smith goes to the Doctor complaining about a constant headache

The Doctor runs some tests and tells the guy, “Take these pills for a month. These are very potent, so you take one of these one day and then skip a day and then take another one the next day and skip the next day and so on for a month. You can visit me after a month “

A few months go by and the doctor runs into the man’s wife in the market one day.

“Mrs. Smith! How nice to see you here. How are you doing and how’s your husband’s headache now?”

The wife replied, “Oh you haven’t heard? My husband passed away a couple months ago.”

The doctor was surprised, “I’m sorry to hear that! That’s unfortunate. Was it the headache? I thought the pills I gave him were very strong and should have worked.”

“There was nothing wrong with the pills. They worked just fine.”, replied the wife. “It was all the skipping that killed him”

Why are pediatricians so upset all the time? Because they have very little patients

 Aww bless their little hearts!  :)





 Flat tire

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk, took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic.

They're dressed in open trench coats that expose their nudity to oncoming drivers. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it.

Traffic started slowing down to look at my lifelike men and of course traffic began backing up. Everyone beeped their horns and waved like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

When he got out of his car and started walking toward me I could tell he wasn’t a happy camper.

"What's going on here?" he demanded.

"My car has a flat tire," I said.

“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" he demanded.

I couldn't believe he didn't know, so I said, “Helloooooo…those are my emergency flashers.”

To Install a BestTop Roof on a 2002 Jeep Wrangler TJ, Get a Heat Gun, Dremel, and Spudgers. Really!

Yes, this is a story 28 years in the making.

Let me just start out by saying that had I had it to do all over I would absolutely get another BestTop roof for my Jeep Wrangler.

This is not a slam against their products.  Actually the word on the street (No, I have no proof) was that Chrysler was getting the roofs for the Jeep Wrangler TJ during their entire run from 1996 to 2006  from BestTop.

Now a couple strange things happened with me.

My previous Wrangler, a 1997, got broken into in Philadelphia in front of my house.  I told my insurance, and they shipped me a new roof.  This was roughly 1998.  I was able to get the old roof professionally repaired and I kept the new roof in my basement.

Eventually I sold the Wrangler when I got my current TJ, a 2002 Jeep Wrangler.  I kept that roof in the basement.  The new TJ had a stick shift and I vastly prefer a stick to an automatic.  It's more engaging to drive.

But that roof rode with me to Florida.  Here,it went into my shed.

So the other day, September 30, 2024.  I was in Boca Raton, FL.  It was a stunning day.  82F, light winds, sunny.  Previously, a hurricane (Milton) had come through and we had a week of rains, some of which were heavy.

I had a Doctor's Appointment where I was yelled at for not following instructions.  Don't Lift Anything More Than A Cellphone.  *grumble*. 

So of course I went out into the parking lot and started opening the windows on the Jeep.  The seams catastrophically failed.  I packed things up as best as I could and drove home with what was left of the roof down.

Getting the new roof put on the car would be easy, right?

No.  Don't even.  You have a 26 year old product sitting coiled up in a box that had been sitting in your shed and the basement before that.  It even still smelled like the basement in Philadelphia that it lived in for 3 or 4 years.

So I got the box out and found the instructions.  The thing that caught me was where they tell you to use a razor or knife to rip the seams out of the door window skins.  The new skins would go in place with Velcro fasteners.

I put the entire roof on the car save those window skins and left the old ones in place.  Having broken bones healing will slow you down and the car was technically in one piece.

I took a day off to recover, per Doctor's Orders, and came to it the next day.

Utility Knife in hand, I sliced the driver's door skin off the metal frame that holds it in place.  The skin had to be stretched to remove it from the frame.

This is a 23 year old car.  The idea that the vinyl door skin had that much tension left scared me.

I began the process of stretching the new skin in place.

The new door skins were a finger's length short from top to bottom and side to side.

Three inches.  8cm or so.  Short.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

I thought to myself get the heat gun and start to loosen up the vinyl to allow it to stretch over the frame.

Two hours later it was in place. 

Two HOURS for the one piece.

The problem was that the frame had a bit at the leading edge that would not seat inside the door skin that was open like a pair of scissors in a V Shape.  I eventually got it over that bit but was not happy with the way it fit.

I also had another skin to put on the car on the passenger side.  That would wait for another day.

That other day came and I started.  An hour after following the instructions to start at the rear lower corner and work counter clockwise stretching the vinyl into place, I got out the power tools.

First the Heat Gun.  That made the vinyl stretch more and almost allowed me to put it in place.  The skin hooked itself on that leading corner and refused to let it go.  It got there almost immediately but after an hour of heat and stretching, I was cursing and frustrated.

Second the Dremel with the cutting wheel.  I got it out and cut the ends of the points down so that there was nowhere for the window skin to hook onto.  Then I sanded the metal down for this purpose.  I even painted it black to match the rest. 

Eventually after another hour, the next problem started.

Third it bent my spudger.  Sure that sounds like something a kid would say but lets deconstruct that.  I got the skin to stretch so that it was almost in place.  Almost as in the Vinyl had only tore a little bit.  The spudger is a metal tool that you use in installing a bicycle tire to a wheel.  I have some in plastic and they were too fragile for the task.  The one just bent as I was holding the vinyl skin over the frame for the door.  Eventually I was able to use a second spudger to help stretch the skin over the frame with a lot of Bad Words said.

That blasted passenger window skin took two solid hours to install even after trimming the frame.

So the list of materials needed to install a "no problem" Jeep Wrangler TJ window skin were Knife, Two Spudgers, Heat Gun, and Dremel drill with Cutting Wheel.

Do not do this process if you are easily frustrated.  The entire roof took 8 hours to install including allowing the plastic to relax in the sun, and threading it over frames.

I never would have thought that I would need a heat gun to install a window skin made out of vinyl that smells of a new beach ball (and my Philadelphia Basement) not to mention a Dremel and two Spudgers, but it did.

(Spudgers?  I told you not to mention those!)

I did look it up by the way, a replacement BestTop roof covers the years from 1997-2006 for the Jeep Wrangler TJ.

Or so the website said.  I don't remember which website, of course.

The instructions also say do not attempt this if the Jeep and roof are below 72F (21C).  The entire time I am cursing the process, I was thinking that if I had a walk in freezer or meat locker and tried this there because of the colder temperatures, the window would be able to stretched into shape with a heat gun and the metal frame would have shrunk due to the temps.

Yes, I had a LOT of time to think this through.  8 Hours from what I can tell.

Of course the standard internet warranty applies - do not attempt if you are unsure of your abilities, your tools, or your conditions.  Ramblingmoose.com takes no responsibility for your inability to finish the process or any damage to your Jeep.

Sorry folks, had to say that!

My therapist told me I'm incapable of expressing my emotions. I can't say I'm surprised.

I have to wonder.  Walking around any town with the dog at 530AM that has a lot of tourists I would expect a story like this one playing out.

I wonder... do they get away with it?


 
 A drinking story

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood pub, the police noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he finally managed to find his own car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.   At last, when almost everyone had left, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.   Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” answered the man. Tonight I’m the designated decoy. The rest all got away.”

Why are pediatricians so upset all the time? Because they have very little patients.

Never having been to Alaska, there is a certain mystique about the place.  Problem is that I'd probably want to drive the Jeep up there since I just do not fit in an airplane being a very fit 6'4".  That's a bit further than I would want to drive. 



 The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

Replacing the iPod Video Battery

First of all, if you are still using one of these things and are not using Rockbox, look into it.  It turns your iPod from an annoying exercise of futility to an external hard drive that happens to play media like your MP3.

Second, this is the second time I did this.  It works.  But, I have to give you the official Internet Warranty:

Ramblingmoose.com does not warrant any missteps or broken hardware.  You do this procedure at your own risk.  If you are unsure of your own capability of this repair, don't do it.  It really is a simple repair but it is possible to do wrong.

Step 1:  Get the battery from online.  (Package is unopened in the left of the picture above)  This is the second time I did this with a 650mAh battery and it is now a 18 year old device.

Step 2: Tools needed are a Spudger.  Basically it's a guitar pick that will allow you to pull the back off your iPod.  These are scattered all over the picture above.

Step 3: Use the Spudger to pry the back off the iPod.  The long side where the headphone jack is connected is where I was able to break the seal and get the back off.  I used light pressure and twisted the Spudger back and forth until the steel back comes loose. 

However... the first time I did this years ago, I used the Spudger on the bottom as there is a plastic support piece that will hold the back to the iPod.  Be Flexible as to where you are working on the iPod.

Step 4: Warning: there are fragile wires and ribbon cables connecting the battery and the headphone jack and both are glued to back of the iPod.

Step 5: At the bottom of the ipod, and on the opposite corner of the earplug connector is the battery connector.  This is at the lower left of the picture.  The wire is routed to the board via a connector that has a lock on it.  The lock needs to be released toward the bottom of the unit.  It can be clicked down with the Spudger.  Once released, you can gently flick the wire out of the connector.

Step 6: The battery itself can be removed at this point.   It is held in place with some double sided tape.  Lift it out of place. 

Step 7: Remove the cover on the double sided tape from bottom of the new battery, if tape exists.  Set the battery in place so that the wire is free. Attach the wire into the connector and flip the lock in place to hold the wire in place. The wires have metal colored connectors on one side.  Those are to be inserted in to the connector and locked in place with those connectors pointing toward the hard drive.

Step 8: Place the steel back in place and close up your iPod.  You are done.  Charge the battery before use, it took me 3 hours to get a full charge.  Rockbox reports that I have 12 hours of play time on the iPod after a charge.

I told my wife I wasn't a fan of her new drawn-on eyebrows. She looked surprised

 Ahhh, delivery arriving today by 10 PM.  Great, I need the part to put a new battery in my old school iPod Video.  Yep, I actually still use the beast and they can be quite useful in the car.

At any rate, speaking of Tech:




 High tech in the sauna

Three women, a German, a Japanese, and an American hillbilly. were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly stared right back at them and said, “Well, will you look at that – I'm getting a fax!”

I recently became a expert in procrastination. I'll tell you about it later.

Ok, so in case you are like me, finished coffee, and Pizza in a Mug for Breakfast, now it's time to get to work!


 Animals to auction

Ron the farmer is auctioning off a number of his animals, and his ranch supervisor needs to get them across town to the auction site...

"Mauricio, you're late"

Sorry señor, flat tire

"Well hurry up, the auction begins at 10 and I want all the animals we're selling sent over"

Yes, right away señor

Mauricio pulls his truck, trailer in tow, around to the horses first. He loads them up and drives off towards the auction site.

On the way there, Mauricio drives 1mph above the speed limit, and as he passes a highway patrol car, he notices the officer glance at him and then go back to his coffee. Mauricio continues and drops off the animals and heads back to the farm. He does the same trip with the other animals, each trip going 1mph faster than before. When he's almost done and has just a few animals left, the trailer suffers a tire blowout on the way to the farm. Ron tells Mauricio when he arrives:

"Just take the goats in the bed of the truck, by the time you get back, I'll have the trailer's tire replaced."

So Mauricio takes the goats to the auction site, at this point now passing by the officer 5mph above the speed limit. When he gets back to the farm, the trailer is back to normal, and they load up the pigs in the bed of the truck and the donkeys on the trailer and notice that it's getting close to 10 o'clock and need to hurry.

Farmer Ron tells Mauricio that after he drops off the animals, to come back to the farm and supervise the workers in the fields, and he takes off to the auction in his sports car to ensure he gets there first.

Mauricio drives off and when he gets on the road starts driving just a bit faster than the other times, passing by the officer 6mph above the speed limit. This time, however, the officer has what looks like a handheld radar gun pointed at Mauricio, and as he drives by, the officer shakes his head and gets into his car. But he doesn't chase after Mauricio.

On the way back to the farm after successfully dropping off the animals at 9:58, Mauricio notices that the officer is not on the other side of the road, but on his side, and the officer waves him down to stop on the shoulder.

Mauricio is a bit nervous but hopes to be able to explain himself, and lowers his window and sets his drivers license on the dash. The officer walks up to the window and greets Mauricio, then asks him:

"When you were on the other side heading across town, do you know how fast you were going?"

Mauricio nervously responds no, señor, but you measure my speed, correct?

The officer says: "To be honest, I don't know how fast you were going, see, I forgot to turn on my radar gun. I just noticed that you were hauling ass"

Most of Hurricane Prep Involves Being Where It Isn't

 I remember when I moved here to South Florida being in a conversation about the weather.  Why not, right?  Everyone talks about the weather but you can't do anything about it.

When the topic shifted to Hurricanes and Tropical Storms the comment that sticks with me was simple.

"You just have to hope that it isn't where you are."

Of course that has a few other meanings.  Wish it on someone else comes to mind along with hope for a fish spinner.

A Fish Spinner is a storm that is out to sea and never really comes on shore.  It spins a few fish, splashes a few waves, and bothers nobody.

There are a few basic things that are required in order to create a hurricane, and the more of those basic things that you have, the worse the storm will be.

Ocean temperatures of 27C or 86F are required.  That will tend to feed a small cluster of thunderstorms and make them grow.  It does not mean that you will have a monster, it merely means that the conditions are better for the creation of a storm.

The winds have to be favorable as well.   That cluster of storms with a strong shear won't get a start on growth.

Since the Gulf of Mexico has been turned from a body of water into a hot tub thanks to all the carbon we have been pumping into the atmosphere since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, and especially over the last hundred years, the conditions are ripe for the creation of a monster storm like Milton or any other category 5 storm.

Here I sit, in one of the places in Florida that are going to have "minor" effects from this storm.  It's going to come ashore in the Tampa Bay area, work its way towards Orlando and the Space Coast, and then back out to sea.  I'm near Fort Lauderdale, and I am hoping that this won't be my storm.  I'm listening to news coverage of the "event" where a Dentist was talking about clearing out the rubbish from Helene two weeks before in Tampa and hoping that the 15 foot storm surge won't wipe out his office in an eerily quiet and abandoned city. 

A 15 foot storm surge is not survivable. 

Last minute preparations should have been made the day before.

Here, I picked up the plastic table and chairs, the other light objects that could fly and threw them into the pool in the back yard.  The wind sock on the porch is down, and as a result a bird decided it was time to fly into the front window and end itself.  That is why I have wind socks on the front of the house, to save the birds.

But here, that is about all I will do.  The Bahama shutters are down.  The light plastic items are in the pool and will benefit from the bath.

This isn't Tampa, this isn't our storm.  Good luck up there, you're going to need help recovering. 

How did the king become top of his class? By passing all of his subjects.

I would say this is a perfect illustration of the law of unintended consequences.  Or just bad aim.

 

 Husband tries childbirth simulator

A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?"

The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."

He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."

They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."

They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.

Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.

There's one thing you can always say for bad poetry... It could be verse!

 The problem with making good coffee, and I mean the really good stuff, is that you want more.   So as I wobble into the kitchen to get myself totally blasted on caffeine, I'll drop this on the floor for everyone to enjoy.




Tech Company Lunch

I was having lunch at a table with a tech support guy, a saleswoman, and an IT guy. During the conversation, the saleswoman mentioned a massive Chevy truck parked outside.

The tech support guy perked up and proudly claimed it was his new truck. He then launched into a detailed explanation about the off-road tires and the lift kit he’d installed, clearly trying to impress everyone at the table.

After about five minutes of this, I casually said, "You know, they say the size of a guy’s vehicle is inversely proportional to the size of his junk... maybe he’s compensating for something."

The tech support guy looked irritated, while the saleswoman gave a little smirk.

Then, the IT guy, who had been quietly eating, looked up, locked eyes with the saleswoman, smiled, and said, "I ride a bike."

Pizza In A Mug - Perfect 250 Calorie Meal

I have had a lot of "In A Mug" recipes float past my view lately.
 
This just intrigued me so I made it for breakfast.

The result was not bad actually.  It's basically the same as a slice of pizza with a good flavor. 

The crust was not typical though, more like a (US) Biscuit so if you are looking for a traditional crust this is not really it.

But the flavor was spot on!  Savory, a little salty, and at about 250 calories, worth the effort.

Ingredients:

Crust:
4 Tablespoons/56g All Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Italian Seasoning
1/8 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/8 teaspoon Baking Soda
1/8 teaspoon Salt
1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
3 Tablespoons Water

Topping:
1 Tablespoon/14g Pizza Sauce
2 Tablespoons/29g Mozzarella Cheese

Process:

Mix the Crust Ingredients in a 16 Ounce/1/2 liter Mug.
Stir the Crust Ingredients until it makes a wet batter.
Top with Pizza Sauce and Mozzarella Cheese.
Microwave for 90 seconds.
Allow to cool and enjoy.

Why did the eraser add insult to injury? It likes to rub it in.

 I will say that if I walk into a room and the lights are on, I turn them off when I leave.   The timers?  If a bathroom fan is on longer than 30 minutes, I turn it to shorten the time.

Yes, that is how I rebel.



 There was man whose wife was always trying to save money. She used coupons, barely ran the AC, and stuff like that...

...She also didn't like to use the car much, to save on gas, tires, brakes, etc.
Her habit annoyed her husband sometimes.

One day while taking the bus home from work, the man noticed that there was often a lot of traffic and he wondered if he could run home just as fast as the bus takes him.
So the next day he decided to try it.

After work, he headed over to the bus stop, sat down, and put on a pair of sneakers.
As soon as he saw the bus he started running.
He ran the entire length of the route.
And he even arrived home earlier than he usually does.
He thought his wife would be happy.

He said to her, "Honey, I saved us $2 by not taking the bus. I jogged alongside the bus all the way home!"
And she thought for a moment and replied, "Next time, you can save $20 if you run beside a taxi!"