Rack, Have We Taught You How To Lie? Teaching an old McNab Dog new tricks.

Rack is getting older now.  We've had him since 2012, at this point we think he's going to be 13 in September 2014. 

He was a very fearful dog.  Terrified of just about anything. 

In fact, I got him to stop "Counter Surfing" by leaving metal bowls on the counters balanced close to the edge.  One wet nose later, one hit the floor and he tried to run out of the kitchen to get away from the clattering din.  It looked like a cartoon character trying to escape.

Some dogs don't get a good grip on the floor right away, and that was our boy Rack.

Now, they will tell you that if you can't train a McNab Dog, you can't train a dog.  I find that to be completely true.   He's amazingly easy to train.  He picks up things both simple and complex and is smarter than some folks.

Just ask me about my one neighbor if you get me aside some day.

But he is getting older.  He has had a bout with cancer in the Anal Gland.   Yes, butt cancer.  If you don't laugh, you will cry.

However he seems to be handling it well, no real issues other than the surgery changed his scent.  It's stronger. 

Being older also means that he's going to have a weaker bladder.  Doggy Depends are a pain to use and he's not ready for that.

What we did was to ask him what he wants, literally.

"Rack! Do you want to go out back?"

If he needs the tree, he will get up and walk to the back door.  On there, I have a string with some elephant bells.  They were from my sister's wedding years ago, and I keep them here.  Rack will go to the back door and ring the bells.  They aren't loud but I will know when he wants out.

There are places where he can go out and empty his bladder, privately.

Since we are in Florida, the sun on a black and white dog, will make him quite hot.  On coming back in, he hits the water bowl and drinks up.  Then off to his corner for some quiet time on the cool tile in the corner near my rocker.

I'm normally off my rocker, but this starts the cycle again. 

I have learned that after two hours to ask if he wants out.  He is smart enough to know when he wants out.  If he doesn't he will hesitate.

This is the thing about a McNab.  They live to work, they live to please their people.  Since I am Big People here, he will go out regardless of whether he needs it or not.

However, this has been corrupted.  We taught the little guy how to lie. 

If he really does not have to go out to the tree, he will do a quick circuit of the yard and haul back to the door.   Usually faster than I can get out of the back room. 

I will wave him back out to the tree and he will go.  But he will not do anything.

If I wave him again, he knows that he can go around the corner, out of sight, and after a short count, he will trot back.  Knowing that he did not do what I asked, his demeanor is just a little bit subdued.

Yes, he lied.
Yes, he knows he did.
Yes, on some level even he is ashamed of telling a fib.

Ok, it's a fib.  But if I get involved in doing something else... well I may not have time to make you comfortable you furry little dingus.

See, a McNab is more like a non verbal child.  They hear you, they learn, and they always have their own agenda.  The agenda is to please you, because you are their job.

I have said that if I were to do it over, I'd have talking buttons.  On the other hand if I did... he'd be talking my ears off.  Most likely at 2 in the morning, but he would know how to get his point across. 

I was out for my workout today, and it's time for our lunch routine.  We have to respect the process.  The process is feed Rack, then he comes back into the kitchen and looks expectant.  I say "Show me what you want".  He always walks me over to the high cabinet over the oven where I keep his cookies and looks at it.  "Here, do you want your cookies?" I ask as I try to get him to take the entire closed bag.

Of course silly human, I am not allowed to have the whole bag, so lets move to the next step.

Picking out a small cookie I toss it to him so that he can catch it in air.  Then I count out three more and put them into his "cookie ball" so he knows that they are there.  I may have him wave or down or other little useful tricks and then hand him the ball and send him on his way.

We are not done yet.  It gives me time to start cooking my own food, but when he comes back, he wants out to the back yard.  Asking me for out by ringing the bell, I let him out.

Yes, it is July and Noon, and Sunny so I know he will have water and ...

You know the drill.  Respect the process.  Two hours later:

"Rack!  Lets go out back!"

What do you call a skydiving cow? High Steaks

 A Wee bit late, but I have "Green Numbers" today.  When I record my workouts, if I hit 26.2 miles on the bike, the numbers show as bold and green. And if you are reading this on the wordpress mirror, I forgot to hit "Publish" so you're getting two little gems for the day.

Sorry about that!

We like Green Numbers.

Anyway... If you would like a little bit of "edge", here you go.  I'm off to rehydrate.  Remember, no matter where you are, rehydration is important!



A magical mall where men are sold is built on a street. It has seven floors. If you go up one floor and don't find a man there, you can't go down. A woman goes in.

There is a sign on the second floor that says: “The men have jobs.”
Then she sees a sign that points to the third floor: “On the third floor: The men have jobs and want children.”

The woman goes upstairs. Then she thinks to herself: “Oh, one stick will still work!” She continues walking. A sign there reads: “The men have jobs, want children and look good.”

Then she says to herself: “I’ll go up one more floor!” She goes up. It says: “The men have jobs, want children, look good and do housework”. The woman then wonders what is waiting for her on the next floor. She moves on. On the sixth floor it says: “The men have jobs, want children, look good, do housework and have a romantic streak.”

The woman can't stand it and goes to the next floor. It says: “This floor just shows that women are impossible to please.”

A magical mall selling women opens across the street. Same rules. On the second floor: “The women are horny”. On the third floor: “The women are horny and doing housework.” No man has ever set foot on the floors above.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

Since there is a cow joke for the topic, here's something farm related.

For the Ladies...


A 65 year old married couple are sitting in their home and suddenly, the woman says:

"I want to tell you something. Go to the barn, go to the farthest bale of hay and bring what is there."

So the man goes to the barn, goes to the bale of hay and behind it, he finds a box with 3 eggs and 100 000 dollars inside. He brings it to the home, and the wife says:

"Every time we made love for the 45 years we have been married, and I wasn't satisfied with it, I put an egg into the box..."

So the husband is happy that in 45 years, she didn't like it only three times, but wonders what does the 100 000 dollars mean. And the wife continues:

"...And each time there were 12 eggs in the box, I went to the market and sold them!"

Apparently, I'm getting a reputation at a golf pro shop for a sport I don't participate in.

 I might be getting a reputation.

I was sitting on the bumper of my Jeep.  I do that twice a workout, after every 9 miles on the trails.  On the bike it takes about 35 minutes, or at least it did last time out.

It was a short workout, only 23 miles.

No, it's not a "humble brag".  Before shattering the second clavicle, I was doing four marathons a week, two on the bike, two on the inline skates. 

I have a theory.  It's more like a rule of thumb, but follow along:

For me, at my own pace, at my own weight and so forth....

Walking is the base amount of effort.  You walk along and do your thing and cover your distance and are happy.

Next is Running.  That initiates the rule of 2/3.  It takes you 2/3 the effort to walk that distance instead of running at your normal endurance pace.  Hmm 3/2 works too I guess.  50% more effort.

It's not scientific, it's only what I have noticed over multiple decades of endurance workouts.

Then comes biking.  This I can actually measure because now that I have the tech to do things scientifically, the sport watch tells me that it's 1800-1900 calories to the marathon.  That is actually a hyper-marathon since I tend to do 28 to 30 miles, and the numbers calculate out at a steady ratio.  66 per mile.

Finally Inline Skating.  I have skated for more than 24,500 miles total.  Each time I would do a marathon, my own calorie count came in at around 100 calories per mile.  There is that magic ratio again.  3/2 or 2/3 depending on how you "Math".

The conversation with a "park regular" went that way.  I was explaining that yes, biking in the soup we call weather in high summer in South Florida is taxing, and yes, that is why I am up at 515AM and on the bike before 730AM.  I prefer not working out at 92F and 75% humidity, but I have done so.

"I couldn't do it".
I said "Yes you could, you just have to 'train up' to the ability." 

He was over 60, good heart, and no other infirmities.  It would take time but it was achievable.

"I'll stick to golf I guess".
"Sure, at least you're out there with a workout you can do.  Hit 'em Straight!"

He wandered off to the pro shop.  I finished my water and cookies.  Some folks have power bars, I'm lazy and bring some easy to make Shortbread cookies.  Only 3 ingredients and I need more.  The butter is thawing on the counter.

After re-tuning the music to something a little more ... aggressive, I mounted the bike and rolled up to the pro shop myself.  I can get Ice and filtered water there.

I had some Uplifting Trance on the headphones as I was getting a handful of ice for the second water bottle and refilling it with water.  The manager at the shop started asking me about "this theory" and how accurate is it.

I have been doing "cardio" for decades, and since it is all endurance, it's all very stable.  Speed in a calm day is predictable, distance will be predictable, as long as conditions remain the same.  I even know that at 60-120 minutes past sunrise, the winds shift and get stronger off the ocean.  If I am planning on a 23 mile bike ride, I will get about 1400 calories burned, a 28 mile hyper marathon should be around 1850.

"How about Golf?" He asked.
"I never tried it, I'd have to do a round with the sport watch on."

At this point we had a bit of a crowd around and I slipped into Trainer's Mode. 

"I guess walk the course and get a measurement, it should come in higher than a walk and lower than running.  For me I'd guess around 400 calories per hour."

Just a guess.

It really does reduce to a systemic set of equations, at least for me.  All the way back-in-the-day to running 10Km around Valley Forge National Park with the radio tuned ironically to BBC World Service. 

Since it's raining though, I'm going to sit here and watch it fall.   Rack just trotted to his hiding place under the table since it dared to rain and he's watching me to see if I can make it stop.

Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head

Having just got back from a Sunday 28.1 mile workout on the bike, I was noticing the demographics of who plays golf at a municipal course and thought this might be typically "Inappropriate".



 Okay so there’s a guy named Jerry…

Jerry works as a hit man and works contract to contract.
He doesn’t know who hires him, it’s all confidential.

One day Jerry gets this really odd contract for a hit on these three senior citizens in an old folks home.
He’s not sure why someone would want three elders dead, but he accepts the job.
He figures he could probably easily sneak in after dark and smother them in their sleep so it looks like a natural death.

When he arrives, he’s surprised to see that they are actually expecting him.
Turns out they were the ones who contracted him, and they wanted to go out in a spectacular fashion unlike any other person slowly dying of old age.

After much deliberation, Jerry reluctantly agreed and killed the three elders per their request.

The next day, Jerry mentions his recent contract with some other hit men, and they found the story to be quite entertaining with the surprise twist and all.
From then on they always referred to that story as the Jerry-Hat-Trick.

Singing in the shower is great! until you get soap in your mouth then it's a soap opera!

Hmm, that reminds me that my soap supply is getting low and I'm getting a gallon of coconut oil to make more today.  60% Olive oil, 30% Coconut oil, 10% Shea butter in 4 pound bricks.



I may have to schedule more kitchen time!


 
A lady was intrigued by these alligator boots she’s heard about

She went to a shoe store and asked for it but was taken aback by the sheer price. “Why on earth would this pair of shoes cost 40 times more than any regular shoes?” She exclaimed.
Offended by the lady’s ignorance, the storekeeper snapped at her, “If you want it cheap, go and fetch the ‘gator yourself!”
“Fine! I’ll do it!” Yelled the lady as she walked outside and slammed the door shut.

After a few minutes, the shopkeeper felt bad and wanted to find the lady and apologize.
He went to look for her, and finally found her in a river, wrestling an alligator.
On the river side, two alligators laid dead.
After a short struggle, the lady managed to defeat the third alligator and lifted its entire body out of the river.
“Damn it!” She exclaimed. “This one’s not wearing boots either!”

Graham Cracker Pie Crust Recipe

This seems to be the same recipe everywhere, and I am finally breaking down and doing it.  I had some small aluminum cups that needed to be used in the kitchen, so I made small pie shells out of this.

You can turn your toddler onto this.
You can make this with no electrical mixers, although a food processor is best.
You can do this completely by hand.

Melt your butter.
Break your Graham Crackers down into a mealy flour.
You can blast them in a food processor or put them into a plastic bag and use a rolling pin on top.

I Packed the Graham Cracker mixed with Butter and Sugar using a tablespoon, then evened it out with my fingers.  It had a modeling clay consistency and formed the sides well.

If you are using an 8 or 9 inch pie shell, this should be done with a square bottomed cup to form the bottom evenly as well.

Ingredients: Makes one 8 or 9 inch pie crust.

• 1 1/2 cup of Graham Cracker Crumbs.
• 1/3 cup of Granulated/Table Sugar.
• 6 Tablespoons of melted unsalted butter.
• Optionally add a small amount of cinnamon or vanilla.  (or not!)

Process:

• Mix all three ingredients evenly.  Best to use a food processor or be patient.
• Pack the mix into the bottom of your pie pan/ramekins and work them up the walls if needed to form a shell.
• Packing can be done with a small measuring cup or your fingers.

• Bake at 350 for 10 minutes.
• Allow to fully cool before using.

What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time? A shovel

High Summer here in South Florida with heat emergencies and all those duck and cover warnings here.  I'm sure it's the same right up the coast and inland too.

Remember to hydrate, folks!


 In the dead of winter a magical little leprechaun snuck it's way into a village house to escape the cold

The lady of the house caught him in her bedroom and tried to shoo him out with a straw broom. The leprechaun refused to leave, and said "I'm not going back out there, it's bloody freezing!"

The lady of the house told him she doesn't care. And to get out. The leprechaun gets mad and says that if she doesn't stop hitting him with a broom, he'll use his magic to turn her husband into a hippopotamus. The lady keeps swatting at him, and the leprechaun said "That's it!" and his eyes glow red. But nothing happens to the man in bed nearby.

And the leprechaun says "I don't understand. Why didn't your husband turn into a hippopotamus?"

And the lady of the house says "Who said that's my husband?"

What kind of soap does a pig use? Hogwash.

A bit of dark humor for the morning?


A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Shortbread Cookies With Only Three Ingredients - Perfect for your Mid-Workout Break

Why did I say mid-workout break? 

Basically I've got the afterburners going, and need the fuel.  My workouts are two plus hours of cardio.  After an hour I sit on the bumper of my Jeep and have a cookie and a thermos of ice cold water.

For athletes, keeping fueled up is important, and I am at the point where I have a get out of jail free card to eat junk once I hit my Macro Nutrients.

So you folks benefit with me finding new and easy recipes.

First - All ingredients are to be room temperature.  Butter has to be creamed.

Second - Once the cookie dough is made, throw it into the refrigerator and get it cold.  It rolls out better that way!


Ingredients:

1. 2 Sticks of ROOM TEMPERATURE Butter (One Cup, 8 Ounces).  I use unsalted.
2. 1/2 Cup Sugar (Powdered but granulated or other will work.)
3. 2 Cups All Purpose Flour

Process:

1. Cream Butter in mixer.
2. Add in your Sugar to mixer.
3. Add in the Flour to mixer.
4. Get everything smooth and evenly mixed.
5. Chill dough in refrigerator until firm.
6. Roll out dough on well floured surface to about 1/2 inch thick.  (a little more than 1 CM).
7. Preheat Oven to 350F, Medium, 180C.
8. Place Cookies onto Parchment Paper or Silpat.

Baking: This is done by eye, but bake for 15-20 minutes, until the edges start to turn a little tan.  Or to taste.  I'm not your boss, just your recipe book!  :)

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

I look at some of the couples when I am out there and think that someone was standing in a bar somewhere and thought "Ya know, I gotta have some of that".

Or something similar.  You know, like lets spend a life together is a nicer way of saying it.



 Hi mom, are you OK?

A guy goes to a blind date and asks his friend: "What do I do when she looks so awful I don't like her from the first moment?"
 

"Don't worry, there's an app called 'Hi mom, are you OK' - you schedule it to ring your phone, when you like the person, you just ignore it, when not, just pretend your mom is in trouble and leave the date."
 

The guy installs the app and goes to the date.

When he sees the woman, he realizes she is absolutely gorgeous. Then, her phone rings.
She picks up the phone and says: "Hi mom, are you ok?"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Arr, M'atey!

How about a triple play?  I may be feeling generous this morning, but I haven't been out for the second dog walk of the day and need that before making pancakes or french toast.  Don't worry, the meal can be and is right-sized. 

Anyway, that nutritional nonsense done, how about a little duck at the movies?




So they're this guy, and his best friend in the world is his pet duck. Takes it everywhere he goes.
One day, he goes to the movie theater, and the lady selling tickets says, "Hard no, you're not taking that duck into my theater!"
So he goes around the corner and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants, and sneaks him into the movie.
About 20 minutes into the movie, the duck starts getting restless and squirming around. So the guy unzips his pants so the duck can stick his head out and breathe.
The lady sitting next to him elbows her husband and says, "Honey, the guy next to me just unzipped his pants!"
"Just ignore him, honey."
"But his thiiing is sticking out!"
"Just ignore him, honey."
"Well I would, but it's eating my popcorn!"





 In his advanced age, Attila the Hun lost the power of speech.

Undeterred by this development, he learned to communicate via sign language.
If this weren’t enough, he developed a fetish where his only satisfaction came from watching his men vigorously jostle a maiden.
His favorite subject was a pretty lass named after the 5th month of the year.
It only worked when he was in the mood, though; he had to ask for it.
His men soon learned to shake May while the Hun signs.



A pizza delivery driver pulls up next to an ambulance

And motions for the paramedic to roll down their window
“You know, we have pretty much the same job” says the delivery driver

“Yeah, and how’s that?”
“We both try to deliver them warm”

Apparently, My Jeep Has Crabs.

I keep repeating this: Here in South Florida you live closer to wildlife than in the Northeast.

In Pennsylvania you have a greater chance of getting hit by a Deer.  They're all over the place.  I once was on a trail in Valley Forge and was joined by a Deer who trotted alongside me.  I know of someone whose car was rammed by one.

In New Jersey, guard your food at the Jersey Shore.  If not a Sea Gull will swoop in and attack it.

In New York City there are Coyotes in Central Park.

However here, in South Florida, my Jeep has Crabs.

And truth be told, all of the above are in South Florida.  Including Fox, Ball Python, Parrots, Ducks, Chickens, and more.  I've seen each of them.  I have been told to shut up by a Cherry Headed Amazon parrot before.

I told someone just yesterday when he was amazed at the crows here to "Make friends with them, they bring you gifts".

Apparently my house though has a crab living on the property.  I step outside the door to inspect my Jeep.  I do that frequently because the car is 22 years old and it likes that.  I look for any wildlife on my porch and spot the little critter.  Kind of pretty.  Looks like something you might see on a Maryland license plate.

This one has a blue stripe across it's body.  Carapace. 

And it did not like me being there so it ran off.  Under my Jeep. 

I did leave it alone, I do that.  After all, a Crab will eat up the nasties here like the Termites that were swarming a couple weeks back, and other things that may show up when you have a lot of nature nearby.

Luckily nothing too threatening here although I have run into a cougar or two.  She wanted to buy me a drink.  Thanks, I'm good.

I need a bagel like I need a hole in my bread!

 Here I sit.  Foot up on the arm of the couch, sipping half-caff because the Radar says that my workout park is under an interesting dark green blob of a thunderstorm.

I just explained to my sister from another mister up North that weather here is like a bowling alley.  Usually you end up with a split except when everyone gets wet with a strike.

Usually storms come at you from any direction and can miss you by just as much as a block.  With the park only 8 miles North of me, I'm sitting here dry.

Sipping coffee.  Want some? 





What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead.
I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes.
But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgun shell which had lodged near the top of the tree.
I don't know if it was ejected there, or carried by a bird but you can imagine my surprise at seeing...
A cartridge in a bare tree.




A child goes up to their mom.
The child looks at their mom and asks, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs gray?"
A little embarrassed, the mother comes up with an explanation that would be easy for the child to understand saying, "Well, those are my sad hairs. Every time you make me feel sad, one of my hairs turns gray."
"Oh," the child responds thinking on the answer. After a moment, they look up and ask, "So what did you do to Grandma?"

My brother-in-law was dating a dolphin. They broke up. He really wanted to have a porpoise.

 Living in a resort town gives you a different view of a lot of things. Like a contempt for bar owners and tourists.

Somehow this just seems true to home.

The bar needs a bouncer.

A man entered a bar that was advertising for a bouncer.
He went up to the bartender and asked, "Has that bouncer position been filled?”
“Not yet,” said the bartender, “do you have any experience?”
“Well, no,” said the man, “but watch this!”

He walked over and picked up an obviously drunk patron and threw him right out of the front door.
“How about that for experience?,” he crowed.
“Not bad,” the bartender conceded, “but you’ll need to talk to the boss about the job.”
“OK,”, the man said, “where is he?”
“Well,” laughed the bartender, “he’s that bruised individual who is just now staggering back in through the front door!”

$420 on Bulk Trash Day, Or Was It?

Up an hour before sunrise is normal for me.  Sometimes as much as two hours.

I got used to doing this when I was trying to get to Fairmount Park in Philadelphia before the events would start so I could get my own training in on inline skates.

I called it a Boob Walk, I'll let you figure out any second meanings.  I shall explain it as a bunch of boobs walking around miles in the heat to make dollars so the charities could get pennies.

Looking into the finances of that boondoggle, I will never give anything to the United Way - their offices were the "Palace on the Parkway" in Philadelphia compared to even the Rodin Museum a few blocks away.

Hmm, interesting aside?

Anyway... Rack and I got up and went for this walk.  I intended to go to The Park and get in a marathon on the bike that morning, and I did.  But that all means we have to be quick about the walk and not dawdle.

It was the one day a month where we had Bulk Trash Pickup. 

Bulk Trash Day is an odd beast.  I've used it before when we had our Sea Grape tree "lowered" for the last couple years.  That tree is huge, or rather it's big now, it was huge thanks to Nelson and his landscaping team climbing up the thing and chopping it down by about half of its height artfully.   It's still alive even if the termites had begun to eat it away - which is what we are told happens to these trees.

Every so often someone leaves out a "gift" for an eagle eye.  Once I found a New In The Box Microwave Oven sitting on top of a pile.  Yoink, that oven now lives with us.

This was nothing different but I suspect someone was having a bit of fun. 

What caught my eye was a "Power Tower".  You plug this thing into the wall, it has 16 sockets for power along with some USB power ports.  I can't imagine using this for all 16 ports at once but it will get used.

I pulled that out, and found a second wall socket with 6 more power ports and 2 USB ports.  Since at this day and age, the USB is fairly important it was worth grabbing.

However when I lifted that off the ground I saw a $100 bill!
Then a Second, Third, and Fourth.
Under that $400 was another $20.

Ok! I can fill my Jeep for 8 tanks was what I was thinking. 

I grabbed the bills and got out of there.  Plunging them into my pocket and getting Rack moving, I noticed they did not feel quite right.

Hmm.... (again).

When I got home I looked again and found that the money was not legal tender but Movie Funny Money!  Motion Picture Purposes was emblazoned on the face and back of the bills, and the paper was decidedly thicker.  It looked casually accurate to real US Currency but it was lacking the anti-counterfeit thread that is in all bills now that states the amount on it.

Groaning, I took a deeper look at it.   There was a website where you and I could order more of the stuff and get $10000 worth for about $15 real dollars once shipping is included.

Briefly considering that it was going to go into the Monopoly game I considered that would be about the best thing I could do with the blatantly non-money money.

So it's sitting at my left elbow right now, with Ben Franklin glumly looking at me as I have a crooked smile glowering back.

After all, what can you do with the stuff?  "Make It Rain"?  I suspect that might be why those places have the reputation of being so expensive, not that that is my style anyway.

All in all it was a lot to take in before my first mug of coffee.

Hoping to travel to the Mediterranean this Thanksgiving. I heard they got a whole country made of Turkey!

Having a rest just like this guy in the story?  Good day for it too, nice and warm but not hot, breezy but not too windy.  Just not crazy, huh?


 
 The mental asylum was getting full and they had to discharge some patients

The psychiatrist devised a simple test to see which patients had recovered enough to return to society. He assembled all patients and drew a door on a chalkboard. He then announced that whoever was able to open that door would be released from the asylum.

Chaos broke out! The patients began running and fighting to be first to the chalkboard. They began to push, kick, scratch and even bite the door.

Disappointed, the psychiatrist was about to give up when he saw a patient calmly standing next to the wall. Hopefully, he approached the patient and asked him, "Why aren't you rushing to the door?"

The patient replied, " I'm not so mad as the rest to rush to it. There's no way they can open it."

The psychiatrist asked him, "Why's that?"

"I have the key!" the patient replied

What's does nuclear radiation specialist have for dinner? Fission chips!

I don't know about you but I really enjoy a good beer battered Fish And Chips.

Serve mine with a dark beer, stout, or IPA, please!!!






A an army Colonel is newly assigned command of a unit. On his first day, he walks by a park bench with an armed private standing guard next to it.

The Colonel asks, "son, why are you standing guard by this bench?"
"I wouldn't know, sir," answers the Private. "The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift."

So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, "Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?"
"Captain's orders, sir," answers the Sergeant. "I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard."

Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. "Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?"
"Sir," answers the Captain, "this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?"
"No," answers the Colonel, "keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important."

After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and travelled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. "General," asks the Colonel, "do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I'm now in command of?"
The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, "YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN'T DRIED?"

Some Canning Basics. - Too much rain, too many mangoes, too much free time. I guess I'll can mango jelly!

I'm sitting here on a Wednesday Morning debating the same thing I did yesterday.  Will the weather hold for me to get a workout in.

Yesterday, no absolutely not.  When I stopped watching Miami got 3 inches of rain and it was still going on. 

Today, I don't think so.  The leftover rains washed everything onto the road beds, left ponds everywhere, and there's more to come.  30 miles South, 60 miles West, and all coming here for a visit to Metro Fort Lauderdale.  My back yard.

So I'm considering my options.  Since it is Wet Season, you have to let the weather do the talking.

I could throw the bike on the car and drive to the park and go around 5 times, or until I get rained out.

I could make more Mango Jelly, and can the stuff and use up all of the morning.

I could do both, bike in the morning until I get wet then can jelly in the afternoon.

Since dog walk 2 is going to happen ... now, I'm going out to try to decide later.  To do anything athletic, I need a carboload and a lot of planning.  Procrastination does not lend itself to being a Jock.

While I was out, there was a storm that blew up over the park that I workout at, 8 miles North of me.  I never saw it here, at home, but RADAR made the decision for me.

Canning Basics:

WARNING:  Canning food is always at your own risk and your own skill level at keeping items and surfaces clean.  Boil everything you can for 30 minutes and please be careful.  Any doubt, buy new food at the supermarket.

Start with jars and lids that are as clean and undamaged as possible. 
If needed, run everything that touches food through the dishwasher.
You have to sterilize everything that touches food:

• Boil everything for 30 minutes minimum.
• All Spoons, Jars, Lids, and "Tools" like Funnels must be boiled for 30 minutes.
• Everything.
• If it does not touch the food, and only "outside" you can just make sure that it's clean and not sterile.  This is things like Jar Handlers and pot holders.

This does not guarantee that your food once canned will remain wholesome and good to eat. 
Do not can food with a high egg content. 
Use promptly, 6 Months or sooner.  I have personally gone a year but I'm stupid.

If any questions consult another source like the USDA for safe food handling procedures.  That link points you to the University of Georgia site which is where the USDA wanted you to go anyway.

Your Food should be cooked to the proper temperature to kill any bacteria.  If I am canning, I cook to a minimum of 165F as tested with a kitchen thermometer.  Hotter is better.   No Raw Foods.  When you boil the jars to seal them for 30 minutes, you will end up cooking them again anyway.

The Chart linked here shows you how hot you can cook your food to serve.  You are canning, you need a higher standard.  "Well Done" here is good.

Now that you have the food cooked, and your canning jars have been boiled, the process begins to fill your jars. 

The process that I will use is:

• Take the sterilized funnel from the boiling water and set aside on a clean plate.
• Remove a jar from the boiling water and empty it into the pot.
• Set the jar on a clean workspace plate.
• Remove a lid from the boiling water and set that aside on the plate.
• When filling a jar remember that the food will expand in the water bath, leave room from the top of the jar when you fill.
• Fill the jar with your food, and set a lid on top of the filled jar.
• Use a clean ring to loosely secure the lid in place. 
• You should be able to turn the ring but not have it come off if you lift by the ring.
• Set the filled jar in the hot water bath using the clean tools.
• Repeat for the remainder of the food and jars.
• When the pot has been filled, lower your jars into the hot water bath.
• Bring the water up to a full boil.
• Boil the water bath for a minimum of 30 minutes.

Reusing Jars is acceptable but Reusing Lids is risky.  If your last use of the lid required it to be pried off, and it bent, you probably won't be able to get a good seal from that lid and ring.  They should look clean, round, flat, and unbent.

I have reused lids.  I almost always reuse rings.  Always reuse your jars if you are short, nobody will know.

I accidentally took my cat's medication... Don't ask meow.

Just back from a 22 plus mile workout and I'm rehydrating.  Now I would love some lemonade but there are no lemons in the house. 

And there's these two clowns.




  A stockbroker walks past a girl selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?

He looks over at the sign that says BROWNIES ¢10 LEMONADE $20

“Hey kid, your sign is wrong. I think you mean twenty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, twenty bucks mister. You want some?”

“Look sweetie, you’re too young to understand economics but you can only change what someone is willing to pay. It doesn’t cost you much to make it, so if you charge a lower price you’ll make more profit.”
The little girl thinks for a moment. “Hmm…nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay look… I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? You’re losing money on the brownies but you’re not making any profit because nobody wants to pay that much for a lemonade when they can get it cheaper a few blocks away. Understand?”
“Nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

“You know what? I give up, guess this is the only way you’ll learn. Here’s a dime for a brownie, I bet it cost you more than that.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dime and the stockbroker decides to eat the brownie right in front of her to make the point.

Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…this tastes like sawdust and garbage! Get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese? A cheesy pickup line

 I will be retreating into the kitchen shortly to start the bread dough for the lunch time pizza.  It's by request.  A Semi-Non-Traditional bread dough that is more of a bun or a brioche used as a crust.  I've added both chocolate or cinnamon sugar to this and fried them for some rather good donuts.  But today, I won't have time, just rolls and pizza.



A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar.

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.

The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.

The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."

"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"

The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."

Short Mango Harvest Means An Early Tree Trimming Season Has Begun

It has been an off year for mango harvests here. 

Oh sure, I have harvested a few less fruit from my own tree, and one of them was 18 ounces in weight.  About a half a kilo at 510 grams.  But all the trees that I pay attention to have been dropping fewer fruit.

So ... it's time to trim the thing back.  In fact, it's a month earlier than last year.

If not you end up with a 40 foot monster taking up the back yard and lifting the pool into the sky.  You don't want that to happen, pools are expensive to repair and that will make you a sad panda.

The problem is that even a small Mango tree is fairly large.  Mine made it to 15 feet this year.

Every year I cut it back.  Way back.  To about as tall as I am.  Turn the thing into a hat rack. 

It mopes, then out of the branches that are left you get new growth. 

We have this thing here called "Bulk Trash Day" that happens once a month.  I don't want to wait for that, although had I done so I could just cart the limbs to the curb and wait for the man with the claw machine to scoop them up.

Instead, I fill up the big blue trash cans and take it down in stages.  Long stages. 

I did it once already, and will have to do it twice again.

Since I still have Mango Chunks in the freezer, I will not miss them.  This has been a strange year and I do need the space. 

While a realtor will tell you to cut down a mango tree if you have the house up for sale, they will also tell you that in this day and age they are surprised when they encounter a house that uses their kitchen.  At least here in South Florida, they've found homes where the original instructions for the oven are still in the oven years later.

That won't work with me.  I have churned butter, made soap, and canned mango jelly in the past and I shall again.

Besides, Mango Jelly goes quite nicely on French Toast or Pancakes.

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders. But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

While this is in London with a Scottish Cop, I see this stuff happen every day from my chair and I can't say I blame the police for being frustrated.  South Philly Glide or the California Stop.  

Folks, Stop signs are not Optional.  Not even here when you are on vacation.



It would be best to keep on the good side of a Scottish cop.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"

What starts with B and is full of B? A beehive!

This story reminds me of the line "If it is tourist season, why can't we hunt them?"



A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He pays the $10 and leaves.

As he's walking back home, he starts to get a weird feeling like someone is watching him. He turns around and spots a rat following him. He shrugs it off and keeps walking.

But when he turns around again, there are 2 rats. Then 3. Then 5. Then 10. All following him.

The man starts walking faster as more and more rats start to follow him. He breaks out into a run as rats start streaming towards him out of alleyways and buildings.

Finally, he turns towards the docks. He runs right to the edge of the water and throws the golden rat statue as far as he can into the deep water. The stream of rats breaks around him and they all jump into the water after the statue, drowning in the murky depths.

Once the last rat has sunk below the surface, the man races back to the shop where he bought the statue. He bursts in, and the old man looks at him smugly.

"Ah, I see you have returned for the story."

"No, I want to know if you have a statue of a lawyer!"

Moon Set Over Wilton Manors

 

"Foot!" I say to Rack, the McNab SuperDog (TM).

He was at the front door.  About an hour before sunrise, it was time for his first walk.  Holding the harness in front of him, he was wriggling, squeaking, and ready to go.

Silly nugget!  You can't hold a good dog back, and Rack is one of the Goodest.

I snapped the latch in place, and we stepped out onto the front porch.  The air smelled of Basil from the pots in place, and the general scent of the trees.  A clear morning for a walk.

We stepped out on to the driveway and started our wander for the day.  My health insurance gives me a few quarters for walking 10000 steps each day.  That's actually laughably low for me, I regularly do twice that.  It's a goal to get it at least 5 days in 7 and I have not missed it since the insurance changed.

Wandering vaguely toward the beach, we headed East.  Everything must be sniffed and inspected.  "BIP!" I say to Rack to move him on.  He looks back, smiles and becomes a little more assertive with his steps.

He is not bashful about his walks, we could easily walk miles each time out.  At least at this time of morning, the conditions are cool enough to make it worth our while. 

It is the Still of the Morning now.  Few are out.  Those who are generally have a reason to be here.  Early Risers with their dogs and exercisers for the most part. 

Of course we were there as always, typically before sunrise. 

"Show Me Walk!" I say as Rack looks back and smiles again.  He takes the instruction as intended.  He chooses his walks for the most part and decides the majority of the routes when we are out.

Once around the park, then head back toward home.

Coming around the corner we notice the view.  This day, the moon was full and it was setting for now.  Cradled in the crown of the trees at the end of the block, it lit the neighborhood in a glow. 

I told Rack "Wait here" and leaned against a tall Palm.  Getting the camera out I braced myself hoping that in the low light things would not be too shaky.

They weren't.  We got the picture we wanted.  Always take a camera. 

Always take a dog.  They like that too.

What is a car’s favorite artist? Van Gogh.

Bread and circuses?  In this case, Crocs and Killers.


 

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the eyes unlike any that have ever been seen.

While watching, he overhears a few fellow spectators who are particularly prone to gossip.

He learns that the serial killer from earlier was in fact the infamous Colosseum Killer, and rumors were abound that she was to strike again today, during the match.

This would surely have interrupted the entertainment, disrupting the show and ruining the crocodile's day.

While walking back home, the crocodile thinks back on his encounter. He pats himself on the back, incredibly pleased at himself for having eaten her.

At the end of the day, he was gladiator.

Why did the crab cross the road? It didnt, it used the sidewalk.

When I see someone in a wing-suit or a hang glider, I think that would be exciting to try.  Then I realize that I've got enough injuries in my two sports and pass on the little fantasy.




Hang-glider

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.” She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!”

Revisiting the Leaked KFC Chicken Original Recipe - Close Enough To Real

Once upon a time, there was the Original Recipe.  You know, The Harlan Sanders Fried Chicken that built an empire. 

Most of us have had it before, and most of us enjoyed it.

Secrets told are secrets no more.  The Secret Recipe got Leaked and it made the rounds.

The Chicago Tribune article gives you more background that I will here.  It's a wonderful read, and if it hasn't disappeared, do go read it. 

As for my chicken?  If you have a KFC handy, and they do seem to be everywhere, go there and get a bucket.  This recipe is good, in fact it's pretty much spot on, but KFC is the real deal.

I will say that this time I tried it again with tweaks.

First: I did try the recipe with chicken chunks.  I cut up two chicken breasts and dredged them through one scrambled raw egg, then dipped the chunks in the mixture.

Second:  I fried them in a neutral oil heated to 350F.  Just below smoke point.  Cooked until they were golden brown and looked like a "Goldendoodle". 

Third: I reserved half of the spice and only used 1 cup of flour because I did not want a lot of waste.  Apparently the chicken is not too picky because this was pretty much perfect.

The first time I did this recipe, I baked the chicken.  This time I fried it.  More Authentic but heavier - the F in KFC is for Fried.  I'm an athlete so I don't worry too much about those calories but do be aware.

Result?  I'll do it again.  I have half of the spice mix in my cabinet and plenty of flour here since I constantly bake.

As I did before, I'll reproduce the graphic in text in case the original graphic disappears. 

Spice Mix to be added to 2 cups of Flour:

1. 2/3 tablespoon salt
2. 1/2 tablespoon thyme
3. 1/2 tablespoon basil
4. 1/3 tablespoon oregano
5. 1 tablespoon celery salt
6. 1 tablespoon black pepper
7. 1 tablespoon dried mustard powder
8. 4 tablespoons paprika
9. 2 tablespoons garlic salt
10. 1 tablespoon ground ginger
11. 3 tablespoons white pepper

For the metric crowd:

a cup flour is 120g
a Tablespoon is 15ml

Dentists make a living from people with bad teeth. Why would you use a toothpaste that 9/10 dentist recommend?

That is a funny thought.  Maybe I will ask the dentist at my next appointment this week!  




After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a closer look. Just at that moment the girl walks back in, so he asks her, "What's this?"

"Oh," she says, "My dad's ashes are in there." .

"I'm terribly sorry," he says, "I didn't know..."

"It bothers me and mom too," she says, "my old man is just too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless.

I hear we have a heat warning up for today.  Some made up nonsense called "Real Feel" has us all concerned and wondering if The Rainy Season will cool us down here in South Florida.  It's a Sunny Place with Shady People. 

So how about a triple-play while I'm at it?


 

A psychiatrist is testing his patients.

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"

The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"




There was this young Norwegian man who always loved to go for hikes. Everyday he'd walk along the hillside, look down at the inlet below no matter rain, sleet or snow.

Some years later he got a nice dog and he'd go for long walks high in the clouds just to smell the salty air and toss the ball with the his pup.

As he aged the people in the town warned him about going for hikes so often and in bad weather.

Until one day it finally happened...he slipped in the rain and fell off a cliffs edge into the water below.

You know what they say: you live by the fjord, you die by the fjord.




A rookie cop is at an intersection.

While he’s at the red light, he sees a street sign that reads: “WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS”

A few seconds later he notices a lady walking across the street along the zebra crossing.
He honks his horn to stop her, rolls down his window and asks: “Ma’am, are you a pedestrian?”

The woman, confused at the purpose of the cop’s question, replies “yes, officer.”
The cop proceeds to take out his pen and notepad and promptly asks “So, which part of Pedestria are you from?”

Two Coffee Grinders, No Waiting

I have told people I am the reincarnation of a pioneer farmer's wife.

Strictly from the standpoint of comedy and illustrating how much I "Bake From Scratch", of course.

I was standing in the kitchen.  Looking out the window grinding coffee.  Coffee that was two kinds, Decaf plus Regular.  Both of which I roasted from green beans myself within the last four weeks. 

The roaster is this strange "Mid Century Modern" affair that was remanufactured for resale, and someone was absolutely kind when he gave it to me.  I have had it for about 10 years and only just realized how to use the blasted thing. 

It's Mid Century Modern because it was made prior to 1980, probably in the Post War Era.  The motor inside of it was an industrial motor that is used in garbage disposals, dishwashers, and washing machines as well as many other applications and it is overpowered for the task.  That illustrates the "It will outlast you" comment that came to mind as I watched the Half Caff spin around loudly.

It also came without instructions so it took time for us to stumble across the model number (Image Search on line is a help) and the actual documentation online (old holdover websites with the PDF is a help). 

Remember the most logical way to do something is "not to help" it do its job.  In this case, the little trap door is precisely weighted to redirect the grounds that are shot out from the grinder into the catchment jar. 

Yes, it is that violent.

And loud too.

So I grind my coffee while waiting for the water to boil.

When we remodeled the kitchen I looked at the counter space and said "It's an aircraft carrier, you could land a jet on it".  Being that "Farmer's Wife", I have managed to fill it to the point where now you can't fit enough of the different food projects that you want to do in a day on the counter and have room for the Beef, Rice, Carrots, and Beans to thaw for tomorrow's Dog Food From Scratch cooking foray.

Why bother with all these steps?  If your coffee comes ground from the market, it's dead.  If it comes roasted longer than 4 weeks ago, it's dead.  You lose most of the flavor.

If you are reading this with a cup full of something made from "Crystals", do go hang your head in shame.

Likewise with "K Cups". 

All that coffee adjacent beverage that you are drinking is most likely oxidized beyond recognition, and you may as well just be drinking water from the neighboring creek.

All this flashed through my mind in the period it took for the kettle to come to 200F/90C and for my dog to decide it's time to come back inside.

Yes, Rack, I'll let you in.

As for the Farm?  I am planning on propagating four species of plants in containers to go into the ground.  In Two Years. 

Farmers always save seeds for later, and well I just took things a little past that Farmville game that everyone annoyed the rest of us with online.  Never played it, I prefer to harvest the mangoes and make jelly from my own trees.

Meanwhile if you are nearby, in my town, or adjacent, and have too many mangoes, do let me know.  It's 8 cups of Mangoes to a batch of jelly, and that recipe I have here is bullet proof, but it takes a lot of fruit.  It also works with Peaches or so I have been told by someone up in the Peach Groves.

Since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory it's been really hard trying to get hold of her.

Here are four quickies for you.  I'm feeling generous, I can't really see the Northern Lights from South Florida, and I need to get to the park for a workout. 

Actually the skies look uncharacteristically "slightly translucent" at 5:30 in the morning to the North from here in Wilton Manors, FL.  But that is about it.

Let me tell you, tanked up with full-caffeine coffee, I'm racing! :)





 An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up.
Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is.
The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.”
The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves.
Once at the moon, we walks inside and sits down.
The bartender asks him what he would like. “Just a beer. Also, why is this place called The Keyboard?”
The bartender says “because it’s a space bar!”





A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but he thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.

At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says "That's quite a difference from the first day."

The painter says "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now."





I yelled “COW!” at a woman riding a bike
She turned around, gave me the finger, and plowed right into the cow.
You can’t say I didn’t try.



A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"



Broken engagement

Friends were surprised when Bob and Denise broke off their engagement, but Bob had a ready explanation:

“Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, lied at every turn, and was selfish, lazy, and sarcastic?”

“Absolutely not,” remarked his friend.

“Well, neither would Denise.”

What’s the fastest way to kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler.

 Ok, this should be fun.  I am up to date with the topics.  Who knows when I will start repeating things.

But for now, here's a little gem for the day.





A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Stop feeding the Coyotes, That is what the Ducks become after all

No, I am not a Disney Prince.  I can play one at the end of a marathon, though.

Seems that way some days though, and really, I do not expect to stop this.  It's a time honored tradition. 

Certain older Demographics do this all the time, although I will say that it happens with all ages.

You see people going to The Park, any park, pick an appropriate one.  If there are "Cute Woodland Creatures" there, you will find people feeding them. 

Charismatic Preserve Dwelling Denizens will approach you for a wee morsel. 

Ok, it's adorable.  I'll admit it.  There are squirrels, ducks, and doves all competing for a nibble. 

Aww so cute!  I haven't had my toes nibbled by one, yet, but I am sure that is coming.

Of course since there are coyotes in these woods, and they are the typical Apex Predator along with the common house cat, that is what you are feeding.  Actually, it is widely known that there are coyotes in even Central Park in New York City, and foxes and coyotes are spotted here in South Florida along with many other strange creatures that people are surprised to hear about.

Other than cats, coyotes, and stray dogs,

Iguana
Boa Constrictors
Ball Python
Multiple species of Feral Ducks
Multiple species of Feral Parrots
Fox

That's just the beginning of the list.

So your bread, which is bad for ducks to begin with, goes to feed the Coyotes.

As long as they don't climb into the car I guess.  I have enough trouble keeping my 22 year old Jeep running these days without turning it into a nest!

If someone ever asks you to tell them a joke, say to them, “I have a vegetable joke, but it’s kinda corny.”

 It has been a rather nice day here in Sunny South Florida.  No rain, yet, but I can tell we're inching towards the wet season.  The grass is turning to straw and the ducks are on dry land.




Recently, I was flying into Barcelona from London, and as we were descending to land we passed through some very dark clouds. The plane began to be buffeted by turbulence like I’ve never experienced before in my life.

Suddenly, a blinding light exploded outside and an explosion of noise enveloped us. Lighting had struck the plane!

The cabin erupted in screams and cries as the plane dropped hundreds of feet in a single moment, but the worse was yet to come. The strike seemed to have impacted the plane’s environmental controls and we were all suddenly sprayed with water from above. It was if the humidifying system had become short circuited and began streaming everyone with a wet mist.

Amongst all the yelling and sputtering wet cries the plane struggled to gain control. After what seemed an eternity of terror the plane suddenly dipped into daylight, and regained a controlled descent.

We sat there dumbstruck and drenched a few drops of water dripping on our heads.

A musical tone gonged and we were met with the calm and polished accent of the British Airways pilot that advised, “Hello, this is Captain Higgins speaking. I apologise for the turbulence and rather unexpected weather conditions, but as one knows, the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.”

"My name is Nuff", Nuff said.

I tried.  Truly.  Tried to learn a musical instrument.   Not even the "Recorder" although if I pick one up these days I suspect I could play the "Brown Note" pretty well.




A high school band teacher was trying to teach a new orchestral piece for their upcoming concert. Knowing that the head of the school board was going to be in attendance, the band teacher was under a significant amount of pressure to make a good impression, lest he risk having the funding for the arts and music programs cut.

As he tried to get the band to play a particularly difficult section of the composition, he became distracted by one of the clarinet players loudly talking with their friends.

Several times he reprimanded the clarinet player for talking, but each time the band continued to play, the student resumed talking.

Finally, the band teacher snapped and threw his baton at the clarinetist in anger, skewering the boy right through his heart.

The teacher was arrested, a trial commenced, he was found guilty of murder and subsequently sentenced to death by the electric chair.

Eventually the day came for the sentence to be carried out, and the teacher was given his final meal, walked to the chair, read his last rites, and the warden, with the heavy burden of duty, flipped the switch sending 2,500 volts of electricity through the teacher.

After he threw the switch again, cutting off the circuit of electricity, he became astonished to see the teacher sitting calmly in the chair, and other than a slight bit of smoke and singed hair, he appeared to be perfectly fine. So again he threw the switch to electrocute the teacher, and once more the teacher sat there no worse for wear. A third time the warden tried, and a third time the teacher remained perfectly unharmed.

So the warden, in accordance with state law, releases the teacher from incarceration, having failed three times to execute him.

As the teacher walked out of the prison gates, he was greeted by a throng of reporters eager to get the story. As he approached the reporters, a young journalist from the Times approached him with a microphone in hand.

Reporter: “They say you were electrocuted three times, how did you manage to survive?”

Band teacher: “I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

The Bells Prove A Dog Can Learn A New Trick, Even If They Teach Themselves.

 I'll admit it, I'm procrastinating.

It's been wet.  I guess the rainy season has made an uneven appearance here in Sometimes Sunny South Florida.  Looking out the front window though, there is not a cloud in the sky.  Right now at any point. 

Every "real" workout I do, I do outside.  Long walks, Bike, Skate.  Even Gardening.  I have to have an ability to look at what the weather is doing within feet/meters of where I am and where I will be.

Good time to sit down and listen to the clocks tick and watch the windsocks flick in the breezes, there's a light green blob leftover from the thunderstorms from last night just off shore and it is moving North towards the Pompano Airpark.

It's not just the clocks.  I am hearing ringing.  Bells.  Not just my normal "Pulsar Tinnitus" from whatever hearing damage I have. 

No, the bells are on the back door.  I put them there shortly after we moved into this house to let us know if someone opened it.  I was told they are Indian Wedding Bells and they make a joyful noise whenever the door is slid open.

In this case someone has taught himself that ringing bells brings someone to the door and gets their attention.

Yes, Rack, I'll let you out.

See, you really can teach an old dog new tricks.  Or rather, he taught himself this one.

He has taught himself a lot of "Useful Behaviors" over the years.  The Leg Game where he weaves himself between your legs and has a happy time of it.  The Foot Behavior where he raises his Left Foot Only so that he can put it through his harness before a walk.  Where the harness is so that we can take him out. 

That sort of thing.  I don't think I have ever tried to teach him that Bell Means Door, but I'm not sure that it matters all that much, it is a "Useful Behavior" and I am happy about it.  It means that at 12 years old he is still thinking.

At this point though, after having had him outside, having done some gardening, having inspected the pots and noticing that there are some hibiscus cuttings starting up, it's time to start to motivate.

Red Hibiscus?  It is South Florida, there should be flowers in a state named after flowers and these are "Iguana Resistant".  I get about a 50% survival rate on these cuttings.

Need some Hibiscus?  Nearby and willing to wait and pick them up?  We'll talk.

My doctor just diagnosed me with Carousel Flu. It’s going around.

Adam


One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him...

Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him...

Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...

God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"

God explained what a cave was...

Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him too...

God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"

God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"

The punchline comes first. How do you know that a comedian is a time traveler?

In high school, I had a French Teacher, Sr. Stanislaus.  I am not sure that she's still around, and if so, she's over 100.  Lovely woman who helped me through a rough patch in my life, also known as My Teen Years.  

Somehow when I read this gem, I thought of you, Sr. Stan!




A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

E Bike on the Trails, plus Clueless Karen, I Wait For Hilarity To Ensue

(Rant: Begin) I should expect no less. 

As it is the driving culture here in South Florida can kindly be described as Entitled.  Between impaired driving, overly powered exotic cars, and the usual people driving Metric Speeds with Canadian license plates, the roads are a bit "Darwinian" here.

A note:  The Universal Vehicle Code is in force here as well as where you came from, the rules don't change, that is why it is Universal.

So take those same entitled people and put them on a workout trail that is a mere 2 meters or 6 feet wide, approximately, and it's tight.

Now, with the advent of Cheap, Ok, Semi-Inexpensive Electrically powered Bicycles, and I'm just waiting for the hive mind to devolve to the stupid lowest denometer.

I'm an intermediate Cyclist, maintaining an average above 13 Miles Per Hour.  Lets call it 22 KPH on average.  My speed varies widely because I have a broad chest.  Coming around a turn that I have just slowed down to average from 20 since the wind was at my back to about 9 or 10 when the wind is now pushing at my front means a reduction of control.

If Karen is in the wrong side of that narrow trail, the nicest thing I can say is "WRONG SIDE" as I pass.  Usually it's followed by something that "Red Forman" would repeat.  "DUMBAZZ"

Mind you, intermediate is fair.  The top end people on that trail are going closer to another 50% faster on their carbon fiber bikes and will end up saying worse as they collide with Karen, or nearly so.

When I skate on that same trail, the numbers are lower even though I am an elite speed skater, it's just a matter of physics and a lack of gears on a 100 MM inline skate wheel.

That E-Bike thing?  I have seen a pack of elite carbon fiber bikes wearing all that weird stinky spandex stuff get passed at another 25 to 50% of speed that would lead me to believe that the electricity has that person hauling at a speed of 25 MPH or better.

If he collides with Karen, she's going to end up injured pretty severely.

Entitled or not, Keep Right Except To Pass. 

It isn't the exerciser's fault you're in the wrong lane with your two Yorkshire Terriers in a child's stroller that are yapping away.  Sure, he's going too fast, but that doesn't matter, clear your sorry self off the trails.

What amount of exercise you get on an E-Bike is debatable, even at 25 MPH.  If you can go that fast, it's more like a motorcycle anyway.

Oh well, too early for that crap, right?  May as well finish off the second mug of coffee.  (Rant: End)