Did your hear about the alcoholic scuba diver? He was convicted of diving under the influence.

Sometimes you just need to brag about your successes.  Even if nobody is listening.


A man enters the confessional

He says to the priest “father, do you know that new girl who moved into town?”

“Kathrine? That supermodel with the blonde hair and the long legs?”

“That’s the one father. Well, I’ve been sleeping with her all week. We did it twice a day Monday to Friday, and then on Saturday we did it four times, and then just this morning we did it before I came here.”

“Oh my, and you’re not married to her?”

“No father.”

“Well do you at least know if she’s a good catholic?”

“She’s not a catholic at all father and neither am I.”

“Well if you’re not a catholic what are you doing telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody in town!”

What's made up of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A Shoe!!

 As I am getting ready for the sunrise and the second dog walk, I am thinking about the wildlife here.  Too many Ducks.  Way too many.  On the other hand no horses and if I ever see a Zebra here, I may just freak out! 

:)



A horse, a zebra, and a duck

A horse, a zebra, and a duck walk into a bar, they eat their food and have their drinks.
The horse goes up to the bartender to pay, and the bartender says, “why the long face?”
The horse stares at him for a little, and then storms out without paying.
The zebra goes up to the bartender to pay instead, and the bartender once again says, “why the long face?”
The zebra chuckles lightly in frustration and then also storms out without paying.
Finally, the duck goes up to the bartender to pay.
As the bartender is about to say something, the duck stops him and says, “Let me guess. Why the long face?”
The bartender replies, “No sir, not at all, that would be extremely rude. I was just going to let you know that since your friends left without paying, their tab is on your bill”

Have you ever been asked by a dog to weigh him? I have been about twice a week.

I'm an early riser.  Too many years of getting up at stupid o'clock to get to Fairmount Park on the weekends and to the gym at work before checking in did it.

Beat the rush, you end up resetting your clock.

After all, a full workout, shower, and getting done in time for whatever normal is takes time.

So here I am, at home, and I can't sleep past 5:15 in the morning no matter how hard I try.

There is a definite routine, and even that is carved in stone.  Now that Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) is getting older, I have to get him outside immediately.

Oh sure, he is at my side of the bed, on his back, waiting for tummy rubs.  100 count, I am not stingy when I can.

Then I get him out, and wait. 

After all that I am in the bedroom.  Right in front of the full length mirror, there is an electronic scale.  I weigh myself, and start to get dressed.

However.

Many mornings, Rack decides "me too".

I look down and see twin brown laser beams looking back up at me as I pull up the zipper on my shorts and T-shirt over my head.

"Rack, show me?"  I ask him to look at what he wants me to do for him.

Lately, he looks at the scale.  It's like the little kid looking up to big brother because "Me Too" is how we all learn.  If he doesn't look at the scale, he walks over to it and touches it.

Gently.  One foot on the grey vinyl covering, then the other.

He doesn't yet understand all feet have to be on the square so I have to help.

"Let me help" I say as I scoop him up and lift all four feet on the scale.  It's more like a hug.  I think he likes the physical attention.

I bend deeply and get two readings.  "You're such a good boy".  I feel his tail brush my legs as he steps off the mechanism and walks off.

Rack has always been small for the McNab breed.  He has had digestion issues and allergies, and I made his food as a result.  So there is a blue post-it note stuck to that mirror telling me that his weight was 43.6 pounds as of September 1 and was 41.2 as of April. 

Good.  A little padding is fine.  He's an athletic dog, and a little extra padding helps.

Then I sit on the bed to put my shoes and he helps.  We play the Leg Game where he weaves between legs and gets extra praise and pets and more contact.

You know, it really is a great way to start a day.

All of these presidents are so corrupted except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.

I have to wonder, in this day and age, how many people will misread that title and think it is political.

Or by pointing it out, did I just make it so.

Philosophy at sunrise, next on PBS


File this one under the topic of Malicious Compliance. 




A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money !!

He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the money was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.

 A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner? Rigor Motors

 Ok, weirdly that is completely appropriate for me.  Got my parts in for the Jeep and it's time to replace some rotten rubber hoses. 

But First!

Yes, it's a wee bit long but a great story!



A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "
Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what would you say?"

How to Humanely Catch a Lizard or Spider - Or Not Now, I'm Too Busy For This

I have had a very packed morning.  Full of appointments, visits, and dog walks.

By the time I got back I was thinking that it's not going to be an easy one and I just needed to get on my way.

So why does this sort of thing happen just before it's time to leave?

Nature is having way too much fun today.  I ended up with a wee little lizard in the house.

These little things are about as long as your finger, and this one was no exception.  It also was one of the night time lizards which meant it shouldn't be stuck to the inside of my screen on the window. 

By stuck, I mean with wee little Gecko feet, but you get the idea.  No glue was involved.

I keep a couple of these cylinders around.  They get swapped out for new when I can find one.  In this case it is a repurposing of a mailer that my light blue cycle jersey came packaged in.

Gently open the window by sliding it to the left.  Shield the critter with the stripe of the window frame so it is less stressed out.  Cover the lizard with the cylinder - really any large glass would work but these plastic packing "waste" cylinders are much lighter.  Then slide a piece of a junk mailer under the lizard.  Close the window, walk the creature outside.

Except it liked being with me and jumped onto my hand instead of the Croton growing in the garden.  

A quick shake and it's gone back to it's lizardy life where lots of tasty insects live.

Bye little Lizard, we hardly knew ye.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level... let me tell you That was no easy feat.

Yesterday, I was riding around in circles on this island on the bike.  Today, it's walking in circles.  Not a whole lot changes I guess.




One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. 

As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." 

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world? Exaggeration.

 I come back from a workout demanding a large breakfast.  Of course I make it myself, the demands are my own needs and not to someone else.  I have a habit of making French Toast after a long cardio workout, have since I was competing on a team in college so long ago.  But the stuff is really an excuse for making bread pudding for a meal.

And that's nice on its own.   Bread soaked in Egg Custard and pan fried until crispy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside.  Served coated with Mango Jelly.  What's not to like?







A woman works in the Editorial Office of a newspaper and brings in a large, fresh loaf of bread. She puts it in the break room, where eight or so "old boys" are sitting around drinking coffee. She says, "My husband is learning to bake and made this bread, but he made a mistake--"

But at that precise moment, her mobile rings and she steps out to take a call. One of the men suggests that they try the bread to determine the mistake, and the competition is on: Each grabs a slice and begins carefully eating a bite.

After a few moments, the art critic is sure that he's used the wrong grade of flour and begins explaining to everyone who will listen about how a 1050 grade will produce a darker white bread, obviously what has happened here.

The movie critic is absolutely certain that her husband added too much flour during kneading, which, as he slowly describes, stimulates gluten formation and results in a dense, stodgy bread that hasn't risen as much as desired.

The Chief chimes in, explaining how this kind of bread needed more steam during baking, wasn't sliced with a serrated bread knife, and points out that this bread could have done better in a seasoned aluminum tin.

The food critic, who has been silent this whole time, finally spells out his dismay, chiding the scoring shape and lack of originality in presenting such a plain loaf. Such a blunder is a clear sign of a novice and the critic is sure her boyfriend will not amount to much of a baker.

The woman, long since done with her call and standing in awe of how long this discussion has gone on, blurts out:

"He made too much."

This is why I grow flowers all year around. Rack's Butterfly Pays A Visit

Rack, It's over 90 Degrees out there do we really have to go outside?

In and out, In and out, that's what being an older dog is all about. 

We've had you for almost 13 years now.  I can tell when I change your food, I'm going to be out of the rocking chair more often.  You had your lunch, I've given you your treat ball, and I have barely finished my Pork Sandwich and Baked Potatoes.

It's hot outside.   Summer here in South Florida generally lasts 11 months out of the year.  The yard looks like a photo that is over exposed.  I tell myself that when I look at a video from Britain and everything looks dark.  "Must be August".

The Laundry is demanding attention, how about waiting a little bit longer?

I take my clean clothes from the dryer, toss them on the bed.  As I reach for the hangers to air dry the T Shirts in the Air Conditioning draft, you're staring holes in me from the door way.

Hmm, you must really need the tree.

I turn.  Spotting an iguana cropping the grass I remember the state wildlife commission saying "Always "disturb" Iguanas where ever possible."

Come on, Rack, let's go annoy some Iguanas.

He runs to the back door.

I walk outside and realize the Iguana has gone where ever those nasties go when they aren't blending in with the turf and undermining it.  "If I wanted something in the yard cropping the grass, I'd have sheep." I mutter as I round the corner.

Spotting the flowers in the pot I think "This is why I grow Zinnia".  A mostly orange butterfly is feeding on a pink flower.  Flapping its wings gently I manage to get off some pictures and not disturb the little beauty.

Yes, this is why I grow flowers all year around.

Why did the girl break off with the frostbitten mountain climber? She was lack-toes intolerant.

 I know someone who calls it exactly that.  I get a wry smile when I hear it because I know that I awakened the Dad Joke Gene in him and he's doing it for my benefit.

Repeat after me:  Lack Toes Intolerant...



Rumor got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill..

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.
"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.

The fox came later that day to confront the bear.

"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.

That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.
"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.

"It is." the bear growled.
"Can - can you remove it?"

"Oh, for sure."




And finally since this is a bit short to stand on its own, remember Resumes say anything you want them to.  And usually do.


The interviewer said "Your resume says you take things too literally."
I said, "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"

I joined a cooking group that pledges to keep our Mexican sauce recipe a secret. We have a Mole in the organization.

That would be a "Molé" right?

And since today is a day for some weirdness, being the weekend and all, here's a two-fer for you!


 

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" asked the sheriff.

"Over there", replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.

"You buried them?" asked the sheriff, "Are you sure they were dead?"

Replied the farmer, "They said they weren't, but you know how those people lie."



And since that one was so old...





I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"
I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."
I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

Silencing your bike's disc brake in about 15 minutes. Basic Bicycle Maintenance.

Yes, I am wordy.  This needs either a video which there are plenty of them on youtube, or a lot of words.  I do words...

The time to do this is after you got caught out in the rain, or you are trucking your bike out to where you want to ride.  The bike now sounds like a screaming baby or a goat or some other animal.  Time to fix that!

If you followed the post on how to lube the wheel hubs on your bike, you probably have done exactly what I did.  Basically, I have a heavy hand when it comes to oiling things, so as you rode, your oil spun out of the hub and got on the brake disc.  Now your brake pads are "contaminated" with oil and stopping is more a matter of just how much grip strength you have in your hands rather than in the braking system on your bike.

Old school caliper brakes would most likely not be effected.

The overview is simple, braking surfaces have to be clean and free of grease, grit, and oils.  If there is oil, you slide.  That's why we use the stuff. 

To clean your braking system, there are steps and you can do it in your own home.  It takes me about 15 minutes once I have everything assembled.

Remember that anything you remove from the bike will be put back on the bike or you will need new replacements for future use.  Since most of these items are specialized, make sure they don't roll "under the couch" and are guarded for later.

First, get your equipment.

• Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone (Remember perform this with adequate ventilation!)
  
• Paper towels
• Pliers
• Optional light strength thread locker (Permatex Blue)
  
• Sand Paper (I used 100 grit or "Medium" but a 200 or 320 grit might be better)
  
• Sanding block or flat work surface to sand on
• Towels or Cardboard sheet to protect the floors
• 5mm Allen Wrench
  

Second, Lay the bike on its side on the floor.  Brake Disc side (left side) up.  You can do this on a bike stand if you have one, but I have found that it is just easier to do this with the bike on its side so the brake mechanism can rest on the spokes while you work instead of it dangling in the air.

Third, Locate the two Allen bolts that hold the brake mechanism to the frame/fork of the bike.  Use the 5mm Allen Wrench to remove the bolts from the bike and set them aside.  When removed, your brake mechanism should gently pull from the mount and the bike.  Note: if you are experienced at performing this work, and you have clearance on your bike, you may be able to get away with not removing the brake caliper from the bike.  I can't, you might.  Consider your situation first.

Fourth, using your Pliers, Bend back the end of the cotter pin so that it is straight.  If you

shear that end of the pin, you will need to make a trip to the hardware store to buy another one so be aware that it is possible to snap off the end, and that would be bad, mmmkay?  It will push back out of the mechanism, easily.  Set your pin aside with the bolts that held the mechanism to the bike.

Fifth, remove the brake shoes and the spring that holds them together and in place.  My own mechanism slid out of the brake mechanism easily.  Set the mechanism down so that it does not get damaged.

Sixth, using your Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone, clean the brake disc and the brake pads.  The disc and the brake pads must be free of oil and dirt when you complete these steps, and that includes the oil and dirt on your fingers. 

Seventh, cleaning the pads will leave some Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone on them.  This

will soften the old pads and the dirt.  Using the sandpaper and sanding block or flat work surface, sand the dirt and grime from the old pads.  I used 50 strokes per pad.  Clean both pads with Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone to remove the remaining dirt and create a smooth braking surface.

Reassembly:

First, clean everything again.  Brake ring should be shiny and clean.  Brake pads should be clear of dust, grease, and grit.  No grit on anything, you will pick enough of that up on your nest workout, I am sure

Second, Make a Brake Pad Sandwich.  Best way to describe it.  Without touching the actual pads, the brakes are assembled to be put in the brake mechanism.  Pad, Spring, Pad.  Squeeze them together gently but firmly so the sandwich can be inserted into the mechanism.

Third, insert the Brake Pad Sandwich into the Brake Mechanism.  The holes in the two pads and spring must line up.  They are to be inserted into the mechanism with the holes lining up with those in the mechanism where you removed your cotter pin.

Fourth, Lock everything in place with the cotter pin.  The cotter pin should be lined up with the loop on the wheel spoke side of the brake mechanism.  Slide it in to the hole so that it extends out on the outside of the brake mechanism.  Everything must fit in easily, it will not take a lot of force.  Bend the end of the cotter pin in place.  The cotter pin will be mobile and able to turn.

Fifth, mount the brake mechanism back onto the wheel over the brake disc.  I do this by putting it on top of the mount and inserting the Allen Bolt into the screw holes then finger tightening the Bolts down.

Sixth, you are effectively done at this point but you do need to align your brakes.  Find the sight corridor within the brake mechanism.  The disc should be as close to evenly placed within that gap as possible.  When you spin that wheel, make sure that the brake does not engage at any point within the travel of the wheel.  If you are at that point, then you will tighten the Allen Bolts down using the 5mm Allen Wrench.  Test the wheel again to make certain you are not rubbing.

Finally, when you are out and riding your bike, you should break in or "bed" the brakes by GENTLY applying then releasing them.  Enough to stop your travel from about 6-12 MPH (10-20KPH) gently but firmly.  Everything should work "as it should".  If you are rubbing, then align the wheel to fit the brakes and repeat the alignment procedure as needed.

If that Goat has not been banished to the barnyard, or it's still squealing like Screaming Baby Airlines, repeat the process.

Remember, any noise and you're losing speed.  Take the time to align the wheels within the brakes so they may spin as freely as possible.

Yeah, it's a lot of words.  Get to work, it's not as hard as all this text.  I'll shaddap!

For cracking gags like that you should be in court. I hope you have a good barista…

 Topic courtesy of Em.  I think she knows me well, I'm just finishing my first tankard of half caff. 

Guatemalan Huehuetenango Decaf plus Ethiopian Yirgacheffe both freshly roasted last week to "first crack"


So, while I listen to the dryer spin my dog's bed around making a rattling sound, how about a triple play? 






A pelican walks into a bar
The pelican sits down at the bar and the bartender says "what'll it be?"
The pelican says, "I'll have your recommended IPA."

The bartender pours him his drink, the pelican socializes with others in the bar, and as thirty minutes passes, he finished his drink and the bartender says to him, "that'll be $5..25 Are you paying cash or credit?"
The pelican hands him a 50 and says to him "Sorry for the big bill."



My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”  
Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.



Two female friends are in a bar and one of them says to another:
"See those two crazy old ladies laughing? In 20 years we'll be like them!"
The friend replies: "You can't drink that much Mary! That's a mirror! "

In the beverage battle tea should have it in the bag , but coffee is likely to grind down the opposition.

Title, courtesy of Loyal Reader "Em"!

As I sip my own coffee after a 21 mile bike ride.  All over the city and through the park.  Yes, the bunnies are still on Jenada Isle.  I was out there just before Sunrise and they didn't seem to mind.  I didn't see any more over at Mills Pond Park in Fort Lauderdale but I was too busy avoiding the people coming in for their tournament.

I would prefer to inline skate but I have to say seeing the town on a bike on a Saturday Sunrise Workout is a nice consolation prize.



"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include The Nun's Priest's Tale"
"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "The Nun's Priest's Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for people your age. Now please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we will begin with that."
Next lesson, the teacher said, "Please open your 'Canterbury Tales' to The Nun's Priest's Tale, which I am assuming you have all read by now...?"

Got caught out in the rain on your bike? A little light oil might help. Here is how to service your wheels.

This might be a little on the "hacky" side, so take this with a grain of salt.  If you feel that this is a bit dangerous for your super pricey carbon fiber bike, well don't do it. 

The Standard Internet Warranty applies:  At Your Own Risk, but It Worked For Me!  In fact I gained more than 10% speed.  On the other hand, I found that I did foul my front brake and will be cleaning the pads as soon as I can find the time.  You may too.

What is "It"?

I'm in South Florida.  The rains finally started up.  The tropics are one band of storms at this moment from the Caribbean to Africa. 

I was out and got caught in one.

We all know riding a bike in the rain stinks. 

I got to the mid workout water stop after a cloudburst and the wheels were riding slower, my speed dropped, and I was one spandex covered pile of wet.

I was thinking of what to do and applied a little Inline Skating logic to it.  The lube had washed out of my bike's bearings.  Mind you, the chain was still greased, as my no longer grey Reeboks can attest.  But when I spun the pedals and the two wheels, they did not spin as much as I remembered.  If the bike used "standard" accessible bearings I would have properly cleaned them but this will "suffice".

How I fixed it was like this.

First, lay down a layer of plastic, cardboard, or anything you can use for protection on the dining room floor.  You don't want to ruin the finish there.

Second, lay the bike down on its side on the plastic sheeting.  Make sure that if you have disc brakes like I do, the discs are on the up side.

Third, note that you will likely have some water pour out of some nooks and crannies.  I did.  Dry that stuff up.

Fourth, there are three points that will need to be oiled.  Front and rear wheel hubs, and the crankshaft hub.  Add a high quality oil to the points and allow the oil to flow into them.  The oil will help to push out extra water (as mine did the first time).  Spin the wheels gently/firmly to allow the oil to get into the inside mechanisms.  Spin it each time you walk past the bike.  No, don't put the bike upright, allow gravity to do its thing.  Don't spin them so hard that you will spin the oil onto your brake discs!

Front and rear wheels are the same-ish.

 

Extreme closeup of the crankshaft.
You know, your pedals?

 

Fifth, allow the oil to run through the bearings and lube the wheels and hubs for an arbitrarily long time.  I allowed a solid day but I had the time, at least an hour and more if you have it.  Again, spin those wheels.  No, don't put the bike upright, allow gravity to do its thing.  Don't spin them so hard that you will spin the oil onto your brake discs!

Finally, make certain that you wipe the discs for the brakes down with a solvent.  If any oil is on your discs you will contaminate them.  I am using rubbing alcohol but acetone will work as well if not better.  Bearings should be oiled, not your brakes.  Give everything a once over and if you spot any extra oil lurking, or anything that obviously needs tightening, this is a good time to clean or service it.

Mind you, when I took the bike out after the second time, my front brake was useless and contaminated with oil while back brake was acceptable.  When I get the time, I'll sand the pads, take pics, and post everything here.  After all, I have miles to do!

Happy Multi-Use Trails, Cowboys and Cowgirls!

I lost an argument to my English Setter. He just made such a good point.

 As I am getting ready to get out and take Rack for his second walk of the day.  We're having storms today, and the Radar looks like a Dalmatian's fur pattern.  Speckled.  With green, yellow and red blobs.

Stay Dry, Fellow Babies!




Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.
“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.
“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy gets up and stands up in the fishing boat.
He puts his hands out and sticks his thumbs in his ears, waiving his fingers and jumps up and down yelling “Humbledegooobledegooble”

And while we're on the subject of crazy...





A city guy needs a bio break while driving through the country. He stops at a gas station, and they only have an outhouse.

He goes back to the outhouse, and there are two holes, one of them in use. He goes up to use the other one.
After he's done, 75 cents falls out of his pocket while he's pulling up his trousers. He looks in the hole, finishes pulling up his trousers and pulls out his wallet. He pulls out two hundred dollar bills and throws them in the hole.

The other gentleman in the outhouse has been watching, and says, "what did you do that for?"
He says, "You don't think I'm going down there for 75 cents, do you?"

What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.

May as well start that off with a cooking Dad Joke, right?  I'll be in the kitchen at some point making the neighborhood smell of coffee since I have to roast some today.  

Busy day huh?  You too?

So I quote this sort of this thing frequently.  "Technically Right".  They're statements that well, they are right, but if you consider them, they've gone quite off the rails. 

For example, "All Mushrooms are Edible.  Some are only edible once, some make a tasty sauce for your meal, and others make you stare at a wall and see your god for a night."





I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

• Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.
• Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?
• Humanity will not go extinct in anyone's lifetime.
• If all the people in the world held hands around equator, most of them will drown.
• If your parachute doesn't open while skydiving, you have rest of your life to fix it.
• Give a man a candle and he will have light for a day. Set a man on fire and he will have light for the rest of his life.
• While we say atmosphere on Venus is poisonous, it has still killed less humans than Earth's atmosphere.
• I was once the youngest person on earth.
• Ever notice how the word bed looks like a bed? But it doesn't work if you're dyslexic and read it in a mirror.
• You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need one if you wanna go twice.
• A blue whale is so large that if you laid one on a basketball court the game would be over.

I blinked. I got a Zinnia in my Avocado pot.

My nursery pot surprised me.

You see a while back I was riding around in circles.  Wearing down bicycle tires.  Going through neighborhoods adjacent to those adjacent to mine. 

Ridey, Ridey, Ridey.

I was about as far from home as I get on that particular workout when I noticed someone was walking their odds and ends. 

In this case, they were walking an Avocado.  Now, coming from a family where Mom was full on Italian, and cooked Italian Specialties frequently, I knew nothing of avocados.

They looked like Hate Pears to me.  Dark Green warty pear shaped things.  My neighbor had brought me one and I used it to mix with a can of "chum", A.K.A tuna fish.   It wasn't bad, so weird Hate Pears are fine.  I shall allow it.

I laughed at all y'all up North trying to grow avocados in a jar on the windowsill.  So of course, I had to try it myself.  A couple months back, I put it in the jar, placed it on the windowsill and grew slime and mosquitoes.    I had already started a nursery pot chock full of flower seeds and nothing did anything.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that things were just slow, but I did get busy. 

Carving long lazy circles around the neighborhood where I found that now slimy golf ball feeding mosquitoes.

I blinked.  Things started growing.  Seeds from outside blew into the pot as well.  Instead of having lots of Zinnia flowers, it is now one single Zinnia, as well as some lemongrass, coleus, and of course the Avocado.

The avocado is now about 2 feet tall, and almost as tall as the Zinnia.

My weird salmon colored zinnia.  I did plant a large handful of the things but only one came up. 

Who knows.  At least I have my weird slimy avocado pit grown up into a two foot tall mini avocado tree.

The moral is that if you watch where you workout, you may find something for your garden as well.

I'm addicted to pistachios. I know, that's nuts.

It is now "Czechia" or "Czech Republic" and Slovakia, but I'm splitting hairs.  I'm also rather enjoying listening to Radio Prague International when I can on Shortwave.  It makes Czechia sound rather nice.

I'll admit, I'm odd, I'm probably the only person in my city that actively listens to shortwave radio on a daily basis.


 Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a male and a female. One of the officers asks “how are we going to figure out which one did it”. One of his colleagues raises his rifle and shoots the male bear dead.

“How did you know which one to shoot?”, the officer asks? “Easy” says his colleague, “Whenever you are investigating a missing Czech, the answer is always the Czech is in the male.

If women want a guy who is taller than them why do they care if he has hair on top of his head?

Just back from a bike ride, just finished the French Toast breakfast and am working my second mug of coffee.  Don't judge me, my cycling shorts are actually getting loose!

But I do need a vacation and my own Spanish just might be strong enough for a vacation En España.  ¿Por favor?


 
A Man Vacations in Spain

While he's there, he decides to get a tattoo to remember the trip by. Just his luck, though, the tattoo get infected. The local who has been showing him around notices the next day and offers to lend a hand.

"I know a guy who specializes in this exact thing," the local says. "He's a friend of mine and I'm sure he'll help you out."

"Really?" the tourist asks. "I would never expect you to know someone who specializes specifically in tattoo related medical issues."

The local turns to him and simply says, "Of course, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Physician."

Monarchs in the Air, Monarchs in the Sky, Monarchs eating my plants, By and By.

I grow a lot of plants here.  Many of them are here for very specific reasons.

I have to think that I am a victim of my own success in this one particular situation.  You see, there are a lot of Milkweed plants on the property.  I Just haven't seen any flowers in a very long time.

In fact the reason that I grow them is specifically NOT to see flowers.  They are food for the Monarch Caterpillars that hatch on the plants. 

One of the earliest pictures that I posted here was a close up of a Monarch that had hatched from a chrysalis and was drying the wings out on the leaves under the Sea Grape tree in the backyard.

That particular beauty is a boy.  The two twin spots on the veins on the back two wings are his "boy bits".

I am currently dealing with a maddening car issue and have been out in the carport, an open structure on the front of the house where you park your car to keep it out of the sun.   I'm under the impression that it's a peculiarly Florida thing, but who knows, I could be wrong. 

As I was out there, sweating because it is August and blisteringly hot, I had to make sure that I didn't crush any of these butterflies because between my flowers and those of the neighbors, we have quite a lot of them floating around.

I am just back from a bike workout, 20.65 miles to be specific.  I'm clearing out tasks for the day and I needed to take the recycling to the street.  Coming back to the porch, there was a beauty flexing her wings in the sunshine on my basil, just a few inches from where I stopped.  It is nice to have some visitors in the day.

We always have a lot of Monarchs in various stages of life here in both the front and back yard.   At this moment there is one banging against the front window trying to get inside the house.  Maybe it sees the reflection of the Mexican Milkweed in the glass of the front window.  I don't know.  

I will say that the last time I got flowers and seeds from one of those plants it was due to my using insecticidal soap on them and harvesting the seed pods as soon as they were ripe.

I don't feel too good about that as it meant that there were some caterpillars that did not make it.  On the other hand I did get enough seeds to reseed my own pots as well as the little park near the house.

 

So as you stand out in the heat, make sure you are protecting the beneficial insects around you.  After all, you never know where the little critters are.  Even on your back.

What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator.

A little something for everyone who is thinking that tomorrow is Monday and Dreading it.  And since it is short, a little lead-in.



I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was dark red.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"





One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”
MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”
MOM : “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school”

Early Man used to wonder where the sun went at night. Then it dawned on him.

 There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore.

They decided to escape

So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town, stretching to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, he's afraid of falling.

So, the first guy has an idea.  He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."

But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm am halfway across!"



And since that was a bit short, and I am (always) hungry, here is another one for you to chew on!




I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.
On the upside, it’s buttered.
On the downside, it isn’t.

Diamonds in the sky and a bonus shower too?

I have a lot of pots in the backyard stuffed with oddball plants.  Many from seed, some from cuttings.

I'm growing just what you would expect here.  Citrus, Flowers, even an Avocado that is loving the heat.

I also have all that green on a drip-feed irrigation.  Sprinklers to the layperson.  Wee little things the size of a fingernail or a small coin.

The problem with this all is that it is ground water that is pushed through the pipes.  Ground water here is chock full of things that you don't want to drink.  Not to mention the chemicals that the neighbors are pumping into the soil so their precious grass doesn't have grubs, and bacteria, and iron in the water, there is also sand that gets sent into the lines at pressure.

All that stuff has to be cleared out from time to time.  I usually notice when something looks wilted.

I go out, use a piece of copper wire to ream out the connections while the system is running and all that junk comes flying out and soaks me.

I asked you not to mention chemicals, please!

Anyway, I was out there tending to this house of cards when I looked up.  The Lemon tree that I have in an old palm tree stump collects spider webs.  It's OK, the tree is outside, in a giant pot, and the spider webs are above even my head. 

But the morning sun was glistening through the water drops that landed on the webs and with the breezes blowing in from the ocean, the whole thing just shimmered in silvery diamonds.

If you have to be outside, soaked in water of questionable quality, it may as well bring beauty to the eye.

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcro’s

Everyone can do something, some can do everything, you do you.

What I mean by that is don't listen to the gatekeepers.  In fact, my whole life has been about walking up to a gatekeeper and educating them with what can be done.  I could go more "bro" or aggressive with that but I won't.

If you are on the fence about starting something, anything, whether it be education, sports, or a project that nobody else will understand, do it.  I'll be here waiting to hear that you progressed and succeeded, and if I can give you a hand up, I will.

Now, if I could only find my 1N34 diodes, I want to build a Crystal Radio that tunes in the Shortwave bands so I can practice my Spanish.  See?

Be wholesome.  Be uplifting.




In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

My friend is a man with strong convictions. The main reason is he couldn’t afford a good lawyer.

I have a friend who went on a trip, and came back.  Mind you you get on a plane, you come down with a cold.  At least that has been my expectation.

On the other hand, I haven't flown since 2001 and I have no desire for either the trip or the cold so ...



 
The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An hour later, the pharmacist comes back and notices the man standing outside the pharmacy, looking absolutely miserable with his legs crossed tight.

He asked his assistant if he knew what was going on, and his assistant answered.

"Oh, that guy. He came in asking for meds for his cough, and I told him, you were out to lunch but he insisted I give him something to help him stop coughing. So I gave him some fast acting laxatives and told him the bathroom is out of service".

"You idiot! Laxatives are not meant to treat coughs. They are meant to relieve constipation."

"I know," replied the assistant. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough".

Green Onion Air Sprouts - Or When Internet Memes Go Too Far

I do a lot of these weird little internet memes.

They say they will give you more.  More Basil, More Miles, More everything.

More.  Literally.  In this case, it said Infinite Green Onions.

To Be Fair, it did promise other veg will root like this and I do have a pot in the backyard with an Avocado Tree growing as well as "Culinary Ginger" all over the place.

Culinary as in you can eat it, instead of the ornamental stuff which I really don't know about. 

And "Somebody Said" that the people back in the day were eating what we called "Onion Grass" back on the lawn in the prairies of South Jersey the same way I'm eating Green Onions.

That Somebody should realize nobody can eat quite that much Green Onions.

In the pot with the Avocado tree that is now about a foot tall, and the Culinary Ginger that grew from the extra Ginger we had when we made some Thai Ginger Chicken.  Oh the Ginger Chicken was excellent but when we cook here, I get a week or two of food as leftovers and everyone in the house gets one meal - not by my own preference mind you. 

So I took the Ginger that looked like it was sprouting and put it all over the yard.   About 3/4 of it is sprouting.

But back to the Green Onion.  Buy a bunch.  Use one or two plants.  The rest goes into a glass with water and stuffed in the refrigerator.  The refrigerator is so the mosquitoes don't find it because now in Florida, Mosquitoes carry Malaria. 

Yep, but for the moment it's on the west coast.  Not in Fort Lauderdale.

Anyway, now I have Green Onion growing everywhere because it roots more than the Ginger.  About 90% or more. 

That was about 2 months ago and one of those Green Onions, Scallions to the rest of us, is growing about as thick as a baby's arm and putting out flowers.

The flowers were pretty, they looked like a pouf on the end of a snow hat.  A Pompom.

I got real busy recently and couldn't go out to deal with my garden.  The pool also started to collect green patches but that is due to the extreme heat and sun we got over this month.

Yes, I even grow plants in the pool.  Algae to the rest of us.  When I scraped that stuff off the walls of the pool, it clogged the filter.

So my Baby's Arm Thick Scallions flowered and they did what most flowering plants do.  The flower stalk flopped over and started to grow on their own.

I don't need any more green onions!  Oh sure, I cut them up like chives on my potatoes and my pizzas, but I'm flooded with the stuff.

So the flower flopped over and gave me the finger.  That's what you're seeing up in that picture.  Had I planted the stuff, I'd be truly over the top with Onions. 

Even my eggs don't need quite that much green onions.

So yes, the internet meme works.  But it goes too far.  Just chop the bulb off a stalk, use the green in your salads or whatever you are cooking, and push the bulb into the soil.  I have way too good luck with just chopping off the bottom half inch and sticking that into the soil.

Now... the larger white onions?  No luck.

So good luck, I'll look for a different internet meme to play with.   I will say that a can of diet soda to a box of yellow cake mix works great and gives you 18 cupcakes at 90 calories a piece!

I have a joke about nihilism but I guess it doesn't matter

So I have been learning Spanish for years now.  In fact I think I am going to quit using Duolingo because their method of teaching is simply garbage.  Like having a teacher saying "WRONG" when you get a mistake, try to ask the students around you for help, and simply getting none.

On the other hand, I am at a level where I can watch Spanish Language TV, listen to Mexican Radio (I really do like Norteño music), and read their newspapers.  Maybe it is time.

However I really do get a smile with this particular little gem.  It reminds me of one of those commercials we were bombarded with back in the Pre-Cable Days - the Punch line of this will remind you, and if not, ask me in FB for more of the story.

I'll let you read here.



A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

Did you hear that the devil got arrested? Apparently, they got him on possession.

This kind of reminds me of what they say about looking for answers to problems with tech.  Not just computers, but cars, and for that matter pictures where its used to illustrate issues. 

The Answer is Always In The Comments.

But since there is no issue here, and just a great story... well read on!


 
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .

“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

”Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

I Seem To Be Every Cyclist, According to Our Boy, Rack

As the French say, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Or so I have been told.

You see, I have been biking around town lately.  For me that means 20 plus miles in large circles at high to me speeds.   

I prefer to go up to the Pompano Airpark since it is a big 4.6 mile square and I don't get so dizzy going in circles.  I refuse to skate there since they are indifferently maintaining the actual trail which I have been led to believe that is true to form with most things in Pompano Beach.  Grounds are different, they're quite nice, but there is way too much trash on the trails to skate.

I can't skate here since the bike trails are too exposed to vehicular traffic and way too full of debris.

And I can't go to Pompano since it is an 8 mile drive and my car is waiting on parts from everyone's favorite love-to-hate-them online shopping mall.

Parts about $150.  Professionally installed at a repair shop about $1500.  I'll do it myself thank you.

However, since I am fortunate to have someone here who is more than happy to take Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) for his second walk, I get up and out before dawn.

That is important since Rack is almost 12 years old and can't be trusted indoors all day now.  He'd water the carpets by the door if we go too long. 

But every person on a bike is me, it seems.  At least in Rack's little head it seems to be.

A loop varies in distance and in time to do it.  I'm dodging traffic and debris and passing the same place a number of times.  Six?  Seven?  Eight?  Who's counting? 

Since we in South Florida are experiencing a heat wave as well as the other southern tier states, I have forced myself to take water stops to cool down. 

Stops.  Plural. 

In what passes for winter here, I can go a full workout without a break.  Lets call that 90 minutes.  Just go in circles and then home.  Drink at home and go on about the day. 

Simple, huh?

In a heat wave where the weather radio is doing its best to scare you not to do the sorts of thing that bring me athletic joy, you need to moderate yourself.  I roll in front of City Hall here and park myself front and center in front of the doors and by the neatly tended shrubs and have my water and cookies.

In doing so, I cool down.  To be fair I leave a bit of a water mark myself on the concrete bench before I leave.

It turns out that Rack is noticing it even if nobody else is.  I've been told that the entire time he's out, he's sniffing the air to see where I have disappeared to. 

Hey, I launder those compression shorts and the cycle jersey and I rotate the ones I wear on each of the workouts.  Don't get funny there, ok?

Sheesh!

But apparently, to a dog's sensitive nose, I'm leaving things behind.  I've been told he pulls to sniff that spot I had left at the 45 minute mark, and is always watching.

Yes, he watches every person on a bike and wags his tail expectantly. Every cyclist is Me.  Except when it actually is me and he gets the payoff.  You know, it is like how they get you hooked on gambling.

I have to say, I watch for him too since seeing your own dog who rests in a ball at your right elbow whenever you are sitting in the big green chair, out of place and being walked by someone else is a bit of a surprise.

But when he is right, he is right.  He's watching every, and I do mean every, cyclist and usually once a workout, he sees me.

"Rack!" I shout.
He turns around and makes his hello whine and happy dance. 
"Good Boy Rack!"
"Mwoof!" he says as I fly past at 15 MPH.

Just as soon as that I am gone heading up towards Five Points.  Never mind that, in his mind, he is the Goodest Of Boys who has just done his job watching over Me.

And that is what a good workout is all about, after all.

Blood Pressure Pills actually raise your blood pressure when you‘ve misplaced them.

When the world is a playground, it is never empty.  Or at least that's how I see things.


A man is walking home from work, when he sees an empty playground.

"When was the last time I played on one of these?" He asked himself.

Thinking this would be the perfect opportunity, he walks in and starts using the swing. Forward and back he went, getting higher and higher, until he launches himself off the swings.

Next, he walks over to the monkey bars. He starts using them normally, having to tuck his knees, before remembering how much fun it had been to climb on top of it. He struggles a bit, being not as fit as he was as a kid, but eventually climbed on top.

"Gee, I haven't had this much fun in a long time." He thought, until he spotted one of his old faves. A rope tower.

Quickly jumping down, he raced towards it, quickly getting tangled in the ropes. He climbed round the tower, trying to get to the difficult spots, before deciding to see how quickly he could reach the top. Climbing down, he set up a timer on his phone. Then, he was off, hand over hand, foot to knee, climbing as fast as he could.

He reached the top in 30 seconds, letting out a loud "Whooo!" He was ecstatic. Then, he heard a noise from below.

Turning to look, he was hit in the face with a clock, for time flies when you're having fun.

Why do math teachers have their desk at the corner of the room during winter? It's always 90 degrees there

 Well, if THAT doesn't fit South Florida now?  Yes, we're part of the heat wave just like Texas is.  Luckily we've got dust from the Sahara darkening the skies very slightly so we're "only" getting low 90s instead of our max of mid 90s.  Stay tuned fellow Babies!





Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Allen 304ST Bike Rack - Replacing the worn out fabric straps

Yes, you can do it at home.  I did two of these straps in under a half hour while the world was going crazy here around my ears.

Standard internet warranty applies - www.Ramblingmoose.com is not responsible for any damage or injury created by your following these instructions.  I am doing my best to give as complete instructions as possible, but if I did you wouldn't read them anyway.  Read them twice before you do this.  Go have a cup of coffee or tea, then be careful, don't burn yourself with Fire, Beavis.  I'm not responsible.  I run with scissors.  In fact I skate with scissors.  This is AYOR, at your own risk.

On the other hand, comedy aside, this really is pretty easy and safe if you can use basic hand tools.  I've been using the rack with my bike multiple times  a week on the repaired Bike Mounts on a 17 mile round trip drive.

There is a list of things you need:

1.) - 1 inch wide Fabric (nylon?) Lashing Straps.  I got mine online, they are very common.  You probably have a place in mind, and that's probably where I got mine.  Named for a big river in Brazil... Get more than you need so you can make mistakes.  The ones I ordered were 4 units of 10 feet long by 1 inch wide black straps.  I figured once I finish cutting 6 straps of 18 inches long, heat treating the ends, and installing them I could use the rest to make the long straps that hold the rack to the tire.

2). - Scissors - to cut the Lashing Straps to 16 inch or longer strips

3). - Lighter - to "finish" the ends of the straps so they don't fray.

4). - Ruler - to measure out 16 inch plus lengths of Lashing Straps.

5). 3/16 inch Allen Wrench, Size is not guaranteed!  My own set of hex wrenches had a guide on the side of the set implying that there were 9 wrenches in the set - and there were only 8.  To loosen the screws in the ends of the caps so that you can get at the mounts to install the Lashing Straps.

6). - Staple Gun - The lashing straps are actually stapled to the vinyl mounts on the place where you hang your bike.  You can reuse the staples you have but that will take a LOT longer - trust me, I did that for the first three and the last three were done in the time it took for me to locate something to punch a hole in the strap in the precise location and ... just get a staple gun okay?


Process is fairly simple:

1. Remove the rack from the car and bring it where you will work with it.
2. Cut up to six straps from your supply.  Each should be a minimum of 16 inches (40cm). I left one end "square" and put an angle on the other end for the outside.  It is not required, you can even put that handy angle on after you have installed the straps.
3. Finish the ends with a lighter to make sure they won't fray in the weather and by use.  See, I promised you Fire, Beavis.
   
4. Using the (approximately) 3/16 inch Allen Wrench, remove the retaining screw from the end caps on the rack. 
5. Slide out the black tubes and bike mounts from one side of the rack.  Only do one side because you don't want to confuse yourself as to how they go back.  That would be like baking a cake from a mix and throwing out the box only to have to go back to the trash can to remember that most cakes bake at 350F/175C/Medium Oven... oh just never mind.
6. Un-thread the existing old strap from the first bike mount retaining the plastic latch.
7. When you get to the point where you have the strap held on by the staple, take note of where it is stapled.  You will be stapling your new strap in the same way.
   
   
   
   
   
8. Beginning to assemble the new strap, you insert about 1 1/2 inch (a bit longer than your thumb from tip to first joint) into the hole of the bike mount toward the end where the old strap was stapled.
9. Staple your strap approximately in the same place as the old one was fastened.
10. Thread the new strap up through the bottom hole of the bike mount.
11. Slide the plastic anchor clip onto the end of the strap while making certain that the indentation for the clip is facing the inside of the bike mount.
12. Thread the strap back into the second hole of the anchor clip.
13. Now that the strap is facing to the spot where the staple is anchoring the strap, thread the end through the hole where the tube goes to the opposite side of the bike mount.
14. Thread the strap through the hole on the non-stapled side. 
15. At this point the Bike mount is threaded and can be mounted on the tube where it came from.
16. Repeat this weave for any other Bike Mounts that you feel need to be re-strapped.
    
    
    
    The instructions I am giving for weaving the strap may be a little vague to someone who is not actively doing it with a bike mount in front of them.  After you do one, you'll know, but do reference your existing bike mounts while doing this if you can't wrap your mind around what you're going to do.
    
    You've got this.  I believe in you.
    

Where do math teachers go on vacation? To time square.

 Ok, so I got preoccupied yesterday.  I missed posting anything.  Looking back, it was a whole lot of "meh" so well...

But this blog thing?  This particular one has about 500 readers a day, and I suspect that's only because I started in 2009 and have a LOT of things on here.  Recipes, help, and my own original content.

If you see an ad on here, I'm not getting anything from it.  I don't see them because I'm on Linux, run ad blockers, and have a massive /etc/hosts file that blocks most of the ad servers.  I will continue living an ad free life because even the US Government says that the ad network is corrupted by nasties that can ruin your day. 

Trojans, Virus, and more.  Ew.

So off the soap box and on to the weekend nonsense!



It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break room, he learns that they are definitely out of coffee.

The next day, Dave is at his workplace again, and wouldn't you know, the same bear opens the door.

"The AC is going out." says the Bear, and it left.

And of course, the AC went out. It was hot at his desk, and he tried to keep cool, but he got through the rest of the day. "This is just awful," says Dave.

And then on the third day, the bear opened his door again.

"You're being laid off." and the bear promptly left.

"WHAT?" he said. And just like that, he went to the manager's office to ask him directly. "Is it true? Am I really being laid off?"

"Oh," says the manager, "I was planning to tell you this afternoon, but yes its true. Who told you may I ask?"

"WHO TOLD ME?" says Dave. "There has a Bear visiting me every day at my office! Who is he?"

And the Manger says, "Oh he's new here. He is the Bear of Bad News."



Here's a short one for you.  CYA!






A customer came in and asked why her kids chew on their glasses.

I told her it's to prevent scurvy. Since glasses are high in vitamin see.