Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Magician and the Parrot

There's this cruise ship and there's a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight.

The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything.

"ohh, he's puttin' it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk"
"he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk"
"its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk."

And the magician just hated this bird.

One night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked.

The bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tank and blows the ship to a billion pieces.

The only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little pieces of wood.

... and the parrot goes "Alright I give up. Wheres the damn ship?".

Saturday, November 28, 2015

A Sweet Couple - and - Of Dogs and Sausages

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a married person's T-Shirt : "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

 Of Dogs and Sausages

America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.
At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.
I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.
He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On days like that, he's a hot hot hot dog dog.
One day my friend asked me why my pet was engorging himself on its favorite food in the middle of the summer. I said to him, "He's a hot hot hot dog dog, dawg."

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving

We're having a bird.  Actually a chicken, but it's close.  Someone in the house hates turkey, and frankly I'd rather not have a freezer stuffed with a 17 pound carcass worth of meat plus all the soup I'd have to convince myself to make.

It's easier anyway to cut the bird up before cooking, then only cook what you want.  That way you don't have dried out turkey that nobody wants sitting around for months.

Now, mind you, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) will not be having any of it.  The chicken will be cooked with Onions, and they're toxic to dogs.  Chicken makes him sick because he's got a grain allergy.

Sorry Pup, you're noing to have to settle for your usual dog food!

In fact, there really isn't anything that will be on the typical Thanksgiving table that you should feed to your dog.  It either has too much fat, sugar, seasoning, or is just downright Toxic.

Here is a list of ten foods to avoid feeding your pets.

So if you do celebrate the day, do enjoy it.  If you don't you can enjoy it however you normally would.

But for me, the night before, I'm going back to watching TV in Spanish to practice.  See, I've been doing that all day and it's getting easier.

Oh, and make sure that you bird has been thawed appropriately.  If not, fill the sink and plug it with luke warm water and put it in the water.  The water will "draw off" the cold and bring it up to temperature faster - you do not want to use hot water since it will cook it, and even breed bacteria.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Crows - and - a Young Engineer

Recently biologists have noted that more crows have been getting killed by vehicles on major trucking highways than on normal roads. After tire print and impact analysis, they determined that these crows are being killed by large trucks, not cars.

One especially bright scientist came up with a hypothesis.

These crows always post a sentry while they eat roadkill to warn them of any approaching traffic.

The problem lies neither in the sentry nor the larger body of crows, but in miscommunication.

The crows have learned to say "Car! Car!" but they have not learned how to say "Truck! Truck!"

A Young Engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,

"I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Adam and Eve - and - Who is calling

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 Who is Calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Jim answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Guard Duck and Jeep

I literally could not leave the house.

My view from my front door was clear, and clearly blocked.

The new Impact Glass front door is very open, if the glass was not in the door, I could easily walk through it.  I have a much more open view of the world now.

On the other hand, if I can see out, others can see IN.

I've gotten more careful with what I am doing inside the house, privacy's sake, I'll call it.

After all, there are certain things you may need to do that you don't necessarily want to be on view when you do it.  There's a coating on the glass that makes it slightly darker inside than out, and if I haven't cleaned it, it's actually reflective.

All that aside, I've got a new habit as well.  Even though the old jalousies would block some of the view with horizontal lines, I have great big panes of impact glass across the front of my house.  Of course that's not really relevant, I want to go to the front door and look out.

This one particular time I walked to the front door ready to walk outside and looked out at the Jeep.  I saw a duck guarding it.

Mind you she, and I think it's a she because of the coloring, didn't seem to care.   She just sat there under the trailer hitch watching me and doing a threat assessment.

I was not a threat.  She stayed put.  My trip would wait a bit.

These Muscovy Ducks are semi-domesticated, and I have seen them everywhere I have ever been up and down the east coast.  They're always aware of you, and will move out of your way if you get too close, but sometimes you really do have to get close to move them on.

The other day, a duck that could have been this one, was sitting on the side of the house.  Just to the other side of the Jeep is a little area about the size of an adult's bed.  There's my Orange tree in it, and it is mulched with Rubber Mulch.  It makes for a nice soft place to step. 

There were also two other friends of that duck sitting there.   Three of the creatures.

I came bounding around the Jeep to use the trash cans and they didn't like my approach.  I guess seeing 6'4" of man coming at you at a trot puts a duck a bit off.  

Two of the ducks tried to fly off.  It didn't work.  They had to get past me to get to the clear and the gap between the Jeep, the roof, and the fence at the property line was about as far as an adult man could stretch his arms.

Not quite enough.

I had my hands full of trash, there were two freaked out ducks flapping around randomly on the pavement trying to get away, and the third duck wasn't too happy about the situation either.

All three got past me as I dropped my trash in the big blue bin, and left the property. 

For a couple days, I was Duckless.  I had no Ducks. 

I guess you could say I couldn't give a duck.

Or not.

They started coming back, just as if nothing had happened before. 

So I have my ducks back.  In fact, this particular duck checked in on me after that picture was taken. 

Yes, you guessed it, it walked up to the door to see where I had gone.  Pressed its little duck bill against the glass wondering why it couldn't walk through it.

If I can't walk through that glass, little duck, you certainly can't.

Now, could you please move?  The Jeep needs to go somewhere, and so do I.

No Bake Two Ingredient Lemon Pie

As is, this recipe is not a light one.  About 500 calories a slice.  If you're wanting something lighter, and still want to enjoy an excellent lemon pie, use 1/2 the ingredients.  It will bring the calorie count down below 300 calories a 1/6 pie slice.

Or So. 

But, there was a day I wanted pie.  Lemon Pie.  I went through my cabinets and didn't find the ingredients I was looking for.  Then I got online and found this recipe somewhere.  Actually a couple different somewheres, so I won't attribute it to one particular site.

Now, while it was a good pie, the Lemon Juice I used was quite strong, so I will cut back the lemon juice a bit.  Maybe 5 ounces instead of 6.

It's dead easy.

Empty two cans of Sweetened Condensed Milk into a large mixing bowl.
Lick the stuff off your fingers.  After all 2 cans, 14 ounces each, always leaves some goo on your fingers.
Add 3/4 cup of fresh Lemon Juice to the mixing bowl.
Stir or whisk the two ingredients together until even and smooth.
Pour the filling into a ready made pie crust.
Chill in the fridge for at least 2 hours.
Serve with Whipped Cream, yes even the canned stuff.

Want me to write it out traditionally?


  • 2 Cans (14 ounces each) Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • 3/4 cup of fresh Lemon Juice.  I used the bottled stuff, it was a bit strong so I will cut back next time.


  • To large mixing bowl, add 2 cans Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • Add 3/4 cup Lemon Juice to the Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • Whisk until even and smooth.
  • Add to ready made graham cracker pie crust.
  • Chill for 2 hours at least.
  • Serve with Whipped Cream.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Johnny and the Priest - and Twins!

Johnny and the Priest

Little Johnny is standing in front of a store waiting for his mother when a priest walks by.

"Hey boy, can you tell me which way is the post office?"
"Sure, it's just 200 yards straight down the street."

"Thank you. I'm a new priest in this town you know. Do you perhaps go to church?"

"Well you should come sometime. I could show you the path to heaven."
"Oh come on, you don't even know the path to the post office."


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.

Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Doctor and the Bunny

The Doctor and the Bunny
A doctor is driving home one dark and stormy night. A few yards ahead, a rabbit bolts out from the forest. Try as he may, the doctor couldn’t stop in time and he struck the rabbit.

An animal lover, the good doctor leaped from the car to see if he could help the little guy.
But the rabbit was not responsive.

He ran back to the car to get his medical bag, but then realized that he was driving his wife’s car, and so his bag would not be there.
He reached into the glove box and pulled out what he thought was a bottle of water.

Returning to the bunny, he carefully lifted its little head and helped it sip from the bottle.

To his amazement, the bunny sprang back to life. The bunny gave him a big wave and then hopped off. It stopped a few feet away and then waved again. Bounding up the hill, once again the little bunny waved.

Astonished by the remarkable recovery, the doctor looked at bottle in his hand and read the label out loud, “Hair restorer with permanent wave.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Butterflies and Mango Trees

Walking out to the backyard, nature will present itself.  Always take a camera.

Mind you, opportunities to take a picture of nature in South Florida are common. 

I didn't expect just how common it was when I made the decision to pitch it all in Philly, and fly to Florida for a new home.

Having had Black Racer Snakes in my Florida Room, more lizards than I can count on any given wall both inside and outside of the house, and spiders that are larger than a small car in the eaves, I have grown both amused and expectant of the creatures.

After all, I ran a Frog Hotel for quite a few years until the Impact Windows got put in.  The frogs left and I am disappointed that they haven't come back.

This particular afternoon, I was being dive bombed.

Oh sure, there were Monarchs everywhere as usual.  After all there were two caterpillars turning one plant into sticks at the same time.

This was something different.  This Orange and Black creature was not a Monarch.  It was a different kind of Florida Butterfly.  It was insistent that I follow it.  After all, it was orbiting my head like stars after a cartoon character gets hit in the head by an anvil.

No, I mean literally orbiting my head.  Round and round as I walked past the spa.

I got about half way down the yard and it left me.  The silly creature fluttered over to my Mango tree and parked itself there. 

The Mango was a tree that was imprisoned in too small a pot for years until I finally freed it by chopping the pot away from its roots.  On a very hot day, I dug a hole in the yard and stuck it into the ground.  They say it is a Condo Mango and won't get more than 10 to 15 feet tall or so, so I'm hoping. 

The Mango immediately showed its appreciation by dropping almost every old leaf and then following with a complete coat of deep green leaves.  It's a very happy plant that went green almost in a day.


The butterfly decided it liked it too.  It was there, on a Mango leaf and I swear it turned its head to watch me.  Reaching into my pocket, I was able to get exactly one picture out of the encounter.  Then the little orange and black creature fluttered away.  Over the house and into the beyond to live out its fluttery existence.

"One is all you get" it seemed to say.

Wildlife encounters are best when the wildlife insists on a selfie before it goes.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A Panda Walks Into A Bar
He sits down at a table and orders a bowl of soup.

After eating his soup, the panda gets up from his table, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter in the head and walks out of the restaurant.

The manager comes running out after the panda and yells, "Hey! Get back here!"
The panda turns to the manager and the manager asks, "What in the world was that all about? You come to my restaurant, eat, shoot my waiter in the head and then walk out without paying! Who do you think you are?"

"I'm a panda...look it up..."
The manager returns to his restaurant and gets a dictionary from his office to look up "panda."
Panda: (noun) large mammal, native to China. Characteristic black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves...

Saturday, November 7, 2015

A Man and a Dog Walk Into A Bar

So a man walks into a bar with his dog, and the bartender says " sorry, you can't bring your dog in here, i don't want to clean up after him".
The man says " its ok, the dog is trained" so he lets him in

A second man and his dog walks in, and the bartender says " sorry mate, you can't have a dog in here".
And the second man says "he's trained its ok" so he lets him in

Then a third man walks in with dark glasses and a dog, the bartender says "hey man, i don't know what your doing but you can't bring the dog in with you"
And the man replies " but I'm blind, i can't move around with my seeing eye dog!"

The bartender says " mate, there is no way that chihuahua is a seeing eye dog"
The blind man looks confused and says "hold on, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The View From The Ground

It was a rare morning I slept in.

Instead of being up two hours before dawn, like usual, I was up just a bit before sunrise.

I hauled my own self out of the house, faithful sidekick, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) by my side.

It was Dog Walk Time.

Rack had done his little oddball quirk with squeezing between my legs to get into his harness, I had a fist full of plastic bags in my pocket and we were on our way.

I was out walking around and noticed that the clouds were towering all over the place.  It had been rainy lately, quite rainy in fits and starts.  One day there was 6 inches of rain from a tropical storm that collapsed into a collection of unattached thunderstorms.  The next there were the usual popup storms that show up because South Florida really is a city built on river banks.  The water flows South from Orlando, into Lake Okeechobee or Lake O as we call it here, and eventually out into the Florida Bay.  It can take years to get there, moving at only a few inches an hour, but it is moving and therefore a river and not a swamp.

Didn't know that huh?

I rounded the corner off Wilton Drive and spotted some other clouds towering over the landscape.  That particular stretch of the walk is more open.

When I rounded the corner again and was able to look East toward the sunrise, I stopped.  Mind you, it isn't often that I stop and stare at the clouds.   This was different.  There was an airplane flying well over the ground off in the distance.  It was silhouetted against that towering cloud that was just off shore.  Hundreds of people aboard living their own lives, off to an adventure far away.  The airport is about 8 miles South of me.  The runways are situated East-West to take advantage of the always present breezes off the shore.  Coming in for a landing, they will slow you down.  Taking off, they will help you get there.  You fly off over the ocean in an eye blink and climb well before you get to The Bahamas.  There the paths diverge and people head on into their lives.

That silhouetted story spoke to me as I had someone snap out of my own reverie.

"Beautiful sunrise isn't it?  Those clouds are amazing!"
"Yes!  I'm not often up this late, so I'm glad I got to see it!"

Towering clouds adding their own drama to the brightening sunrise, the city became awake around me.

Rack sat at my feet as I pulled my camera out to take a picture, then we went on our way.

Just one of those hundreds of unseen little stories that go on around you each day.  Some of them even involve stopping and staring at a giant stack of cotton candy clouds.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Speeding Motorists

Gorbachev had issued a nationwide crackdown on speeding motorists. Punishment meant instant arrest and a jail term. "I don't care if it's the head of the KGB," Gorbachev announced.

A few days later, Gorbachev overslept at his country dacha and was about to miss an important meeting. After dressing, he told his driver that he would have to speed to make it on time.

Gorbachev to driver: "I issued this order, and they just might stop you, so why don't you move over and I'll drive?"
Watching Gorbachev sail down the road a few minutes later were two policemen, a veteran and a rookie.

Veteran: "You go up to the car and tell those people they're under arrest."
The rookie did so, but returned empty handed.

Rookie: "We just can't arrest those people."
Veteran: "Well, why not?"

Rookie: "That man is just too important."

Veteran: "Well, he couldn't be that important. Who in the world is he?"
Rookie: "I don't know who he is, but his driver is Gorbachev."