Saturday, August 28, 2021

What do you call a pig that does Karate? PORK CHOP!!

 As I am sitting here listening to the house wake up, and the Rock Dove on the fence say "Ooo hoo hoo hoo" I'm thinking of birds.

I mean, Oscar is in his cage, rattling around, there are birds everywhere, and they sometimes can be an interesting companion.  I suspect that was going through this guy's mind when he considered this out in LA.

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a pair of talking birds for $500 each and explained that he had gotten his own mother a pair and that she absolutely loves them. His co-worker added that they were no ordinary talking birds, that they could impersonate actors,, they dance, and tell jokes. But it will take them a day or two to get used to the new place and wont talk until then.

So he buys the birds and has them shipped to his mother. He calls her on her birthday the following morning. Mom answers, son says "Happy birthday Mom!" She says,"Oh thank you, dear,." He asks, "So Mom, did my gift arrive?" She says, "Yes It did. And I enjoyed them very much. Thank you, son. They were delicious. I plucked the feathers and cooked them like little game hens."

" No mom. Please tell me you're kidding" he said. She assured him that she wasn't and he proceeded to tell her about the price of the birds and everything they were capable of doing. "Wait."she said,"Those birds could talk?" "Yes,, mom. They sang and danced and they talked. ..."

" Well then, why the hell didnt they say something?"

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Monarchs Do End Up In Odd Places

I don't think there's anyone who minds having these little visitors.

I just find it amusing that I find them in strange places.

Once I found one happily stuck under the step on the Jeep.  The Jeep was 8 miles from home and I was getting ready for a workout and found it when I bent over to get my skate boot.

This one is on my porch.  It went from a pot, across the garden, found the support for the porch roof, and climbed up into the nook where I see it now.

Mind you, I can't really use my porch.  It's high summer and there is an insane amount of work going on in the house.  Oh and I seem to host the mosquito preservation society meeting any time I linger anywhere outside.

We found this little jade jewel way up high under the porch roof and we will make certain it is undisturbed.   Its little brain, now turned to mush in a pupa, decided that it would be best under an eve at about 8 feet above the ground instead of under a leaf somewhere.

I hope it makes it.  High Summer heat is kind of punishing, especially under a patio roof.

It's all about location.  I'm rather close to M.E.DePalma Park, and there are quite a few flowers there.  It's a good environment there.  Since I got here, and settled in we've planted many flowers and plants with the idea that we'd propagate anything that we liked that fits in with that goal, to help the butterflies.

In the case of the plant that the pupa came from, the plant was an "involuntary planting".  I had a nursery pot there and while waiting for something else to come up, the Milkweeds sprouted.  They were discovered by some rather insistent Monarchs, and at one point there were dozens of caterpillars on them.  Eaten to sticks, only the earliest hatchlings survived.  

Hopefully in a week or so, we'll see a beauty like this boy greet the day and seek out its best life here among the flowers.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up. Pun-ishment

 I am feeling a bit generous today.  Just got back from the walk, I am sipping my second coffee, and if I get out of this chair too fast, I'll probably raid the freezer for some biscuits.

But I do have a triple-play for you.  Yep.  A Three-Fer!


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

...---... And ...---...

A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."

The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her funeral."

...---... And ...---...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Saturday, August 21, 2021

I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs!

 Nothing like having a house to work on.  Early in the morning, you consider that the power is on, the pool needs to be scooped, and you may as well bring the dog over with you so he can water the plants too.

Then you walk back in and realize that since you really don't  have a bathroom or a kitchen in the place, it's a shell.

Hey but, we have all this nice dust right?

Mary, Anna and Josephine, live in a house together.

One night Mary runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

Anna yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses.

Then she yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

Josephine is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Yes, Dogs are a Creature Of Habit. Or the 5AM Dog Directed Walk.

Dogs just don't understand it when you are breaking your normal routines.  It's best said by don't drive crazy, your dog won't understand why you never came home.

In my case, the car nor any general crazy has anything to do with it.  It's home repair.

You see, we've de-camped across the street to a little duplex for "the duration".  My guess is we will be able to re-camp before Thanksgiving, but not before Halloween.

So Rack, the McNab SuperDog(TM) is a little confused.

He first decided that since he can't sit next to me, he really can he just hates being exposed, he

 would find a wee little wedge of space between the couch and the wall and has sat himself there.  All Day And Night.

I put a spare dog bed there, but really we should not tolerate that because the couch is white and every dog that goes out to explore on his walks eventually picks up "things" on their fur.  I just hope that the wall isn't stained, yet.

It is an enclosed yard.  A rather nice fence surrounds the property and a rather formidable yet stylish wooden gate slows entry to the property.  Then as you enter the property there are a few things to notice. 

First the front apartment is inhabited by a very barky dog and her owner.  Both are friendly but the dog will bark for hours when the owner goes about doing people things.  BarkBarkBarkPause... lather, rinse and repeat.  When the owner is there with her dog, Mrs Barkypants will bark at you.  Luckily I can reach over the fence, get the latch, and enter almost silently.  Sometimes I can even get past without Mrs Barkypants sounding the song of her people.  For the next fifteen minutes.

I just got back from a pass through the yard and to my house and she did finally stop barking when I told her "NO" from their window.

Then since this yard is shared, I can't just open the door and let Rack out.  The yard may be occupied and since our neighbor has free use of the yard as well, we look out of the door gently.  Both dogs are friendly but they have not really been able to greet each other yet.

So forward to 5AM.  I wake up, get the minimum done, including feeding Rack.  I then ask Rack to "Show me what you want".  Sometimes he wants to water the hedges, many times he just walks to the corner and hides until sunrise. 

So now I have to get his leash and walk him around a little bit because if the neighbor is up with her dog, it becomes complex that early.  

Cue the Looney Tunes "dinkadinkadinka" sound effect as I tiptoe through the front gate. 

Mr Dog though is a creature of habit.  My own preference is to walk to the corner, let him empty his self, and we go back in, but that gets overruled.  

Rack has decided that at 5AM, the right thing to do is to walk to the house and inspect both it, and the yard.  

Yes, Dogs are a Creature Of Habit.  

The first time I did this after settling here at the little duplex across the street, Rack had different plans.  I was led back to the house.  No, I was not being allowed any input here, Trust In Dog.  I started him toward the corner and he insisted in pulling me back to our house and the front door there. 

If you thought a 45 pound dog could out rule a 203 pound human, well, you would be right. 

There in the Florida predawn moonlight, I had all 45 pounds of Rack leaning over at a 45 degree angle, tugging at the leash and pulling me East.  I stopped fighting the inevitable and let him lead me back to the house.  When we got to my front door he sat down and twisted his head so he could look at me as if to say "Well, what are you waiting for, Moose, Open the door!"

And open the door I did.  We both stepped inside, and he waited for me to lock it.  However he also had decided that the next step would be to walk through the house ignoring all the work, the dust, the lack of tiles on the floor, the debris, and the general disarray, and insisted on going to the back door.

He wanted me to let him go out and inspect the yard.  Ok, he's back in his old routine.  I would normally just open the back door and let him do laps around the yard while I would make coffee, but without a working kitchen in the place, I would just follow him outside.

Where ever you live, do go outside before dawn from time to time.  It really is a quiet and peaceful time of day.

I walked circles around the yard.   He walked circles around the yard.  He got bored and came to get me and we went back in the house.  

Rack was done.  In fact he walked right to the front door, and repeated that over the shoulder look telling me "Let's get out of here". 

So the rest of the walk was back to the little duplex and inside.  I'd be able to make my coffee then.

Dogs are creatures of habit.  While they live in the moment, they also have routines that they like to keep.   I'm being kept to that schedule by being dragged across the street and walked around the pool.  He does not ask for much so I'll allow that.  I did ask him what he had in mind, of course, and it was his walk anyway.

Sunday, August 15, 2021

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

So the thing about waking up before the dawn is you end up getting things done well before everyone else.  Me, I'm sitting here wondering what I can get in before the house wakes up.

You ... don't have to because I already did!

Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last meal. The guards told him he might not be able to have a last meal. He said, “That’s ok, can I just sing my favorite song all the way through instead?” The guards asked the warden, and they all agreed. It wold be highly irregular, but if that’s what he wanted, it should be OK.

The convict started, "A million bottles of beer on the wall..."

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer! 

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... 

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his mother, and in the middle of the water, he stops and says, "Mamma... are we pure blooded Polar Bears?" Mamma bear looks at her cub and says, "Oh son, of COURSE we are!"

The next day the cub is hunting with his grandpa, and in the middle of a big ice storm the little Polar Bear stops his grandpa and says, "Grandpa... are we PURE polar Bear? Like, we don't have any Black Bear, or Grizzly bear, or California Brown Bear mixed in with us?" Grandpa bear looks at him quizzically and says in his deep, gruff voice, "No, no, son... We are PURE Polar Bear, as far back as we go. Your great-great-great grandparents were all pure Polar Bears! Why do you ask, son?"

The little Polar Bear looks up at his grandpa and says, "Because... I'm FREEZING!!"

Saturday, August 14, 2021

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Somehow the name "Dave" has become a bit of a meme lately.  Everyone knows a Dave.  I have had a couple friends named Dave and they've all been solid friends, good sorts.

So, Celebrate your friends, whether they are named Dave or not!


Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts.

Boss: I'll name 3 people. If you can't prove you know them & they know YOU, you're fired & I'll make sure you never work in this town again.

Dave: Boss, I know everyone. Who's first?

Boss: Tom Cruise.

Dave: Me & Tom were in acting class at Yale. We go way back.

So they drive up to Beverly Hills & knock on Tom's mansion door. Tom answers & says: Hi Dave, I've just got the NEW Mission Impossible script. Come & have a read, & tell me what you think.

(Boss is suitably impressed)

Boss: OK, well done. Next is the President, Barack Obama (this identifies the age of the joke)

Dave: After I left Yale, I was an undergrad at Harvard Law. I roomed with him before he met Michelle.

So they go out to Washington & start a tour of the White House. Just as they're passing the west wing, they hear a voice saying: Hi Dave, I have a security council meeting soon, but I've always got time for an old friend. They proceed to the Oval Office for coffee.

At this point, the boss is EXTREMELY impressed and says: RIGHT, I'll change the challenge. If you can prove you know the LAST person PERSONALLY, not only is your job safe, but I'll make you a partner.

Dave: Boss, I told you, I know EVERYBODY. Who is it?

Boss: His Holiness, THE POPE!

Dave: no worries, boss. Prior to Yale, I was in Seminary with him.

So they board the corporate jet & fly to Rome. They enter the Vatican, where they gather in St Peter's Square, surrounded by the 10,000s of the faithful.

Dave: boss, he won't spot me among all these people. Give me 1/2 an hour. I know all of the Swiss Guard. I'll come out on the balcony with him.

30 minutes later, the doors open on the balcony, & the Pope emerges to perform his benediction. Next to him is Dave.

30 minutes after, & he returns, to find his boss prone on the floor & being administered by paramedics. 

Dave: Boss, boss, what happened?

Boss: I....had a.....heart att....ack.

Dave: But boss, I told you I knew him.

Boss: It wasn't that.....

Dave: well what was it then?

Boss: You came out onto the balcony, with His Holiness, & the guy next to me, gave me a nudge & asked........


Wednesday, August 11, 2021

When Summer Comes, The Traffic Cones Sprout Near The Jeep

When the universe wants to mess with your head... 

It leaves you Traffic Cones.

Living as close to The Bars in Wilton Manors as I do, I see a lot of strange things.  I have seen people coming home from the bars on foot, wandering around aimlessly, and even had some clown fall asleep in my garden.

That is a story for another time.

This time, I am thinking a similar fate happened to this cone.  From what I can tell from the road rash on the base of the thing and how it was left on the driveway, I have a story to tell.

Some random person came to my town, and visited the Arts and Entertainment District on Wilton Drive.  They probably had a rather nice time there, dinner, drinks, maybe some dancing.

Once they were through, they decided to take a drive and come home.

I have to assume there was some impairment included because I now have a new traffic cone.

Their car had hit the cone, dragged it along under the car.  Either when they pulled in to my driveway here to inspect the noise, because there is always noise when you run over a traffic cone, or when they threw the car into reverse it left the thing there, the cone remained.

I am in the back of the house here, away from the parking areas, and away from the street.  I sleep with earplugs.  I did not hear a thing.  

When I got up, put on enough clothes to take Mr Dog out to water the hedges, and walked past the gate, I spotted the thing.  When I walked over to it, I laughed at it because it reminded me of a younger me and a trip through Cherry Hill and Haddonfield, NJ.

You know, where they set the Halloween movies?  Michael Myers?  Haddonfield was a town east of Cherry Hill, where I grew up.  The movies were shot in Illinois, and the name came from the writer knowing South Jersey.

Living in Cherry Hill, you knew Halloween was in Haddonfield (even if it wasn't shot there) and was southwest of you, and Voorhees was Friday the 13th and was east of you.  Ok Jason?

I have been driving Jeep Wranglers since 1997 continuously.  They fit me, and they let me go where I want to go comfortably.  My head does not hit the ceiling and that is important.

Well before then, I had a Jeep CJ7.  Much rougher ride, and I eventually got rid of it because it hurt my back riding long distances. 

One night I was doing a similar thing.  Coming home from the city, I had a ride on the PATCO Hi Speed Line that took you from Center City Philadelphia to the Suburban South Jersey of my youth.  I got off in Haddonfield, and mounted my CJ to ride home.  

I think I may have wanted to wait another hour before I did get into that old Jeep because somewhere in Haddonfield, I clipped a different cone.  It hooked itself on the steering linkage on the front end and I kept going.  By the time I left Haddonfield, and came up Brace Road towards my childhood house, I heard that scraping.  

I shrugged and pulled into the driveway there.  Not waking Mom, or my sister, I looked under the Jeep and there it was.  

"How on earth?" I said as I pulled the cone out.  I left it in the front of the driveway and came in to sleep the rest of the night away.

So there you have it.  The Universe wanted to remind me of that trip and give me a gift of bright safety orange plastic.

I had to tell the neighbor, Diane, about this story, and she was laughing as I was.  She's welcome to this new cone, I have two of my own to protect the property from ne'er do wells and partiers when she moves out to her new home.

Welcome to the neighborhood.  Strangeness happens and you find things.

Sunday, August 8, 2021

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

So wake up your sleepy heads.  Or if it is later in the day, kick off your shoes and have a little smile.  It's a Two-Fer today!


 ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... 

A teacher fresh out of the university gets hired to teach a class of 2nd year kids.
On the first day she decides to do a little experiment on the kids.

She stands in front of the class and says, "Would all of you kids, who think they're stupid, please stand up."
No one does except for little Johnny.

"Do you really think you're stupid, Johnny?" asks the teacher.
"No," answers Johnny, "I just don't want you to be the only one standing."

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Saturday, August 7, 2021

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put."

Having read way too much about rich people and their cheating on taxes, this one little story hit my interest.  Mind you, if you chose to liquidate everything you own, you and your loved ones could have a massive yacht and pollute the world with moving it out of the way of storms, but that does not seem appealing to me.

Even if it does seem to keep the economy going in South Florida.

For my international readers, the IRS is the "Tax Man", but I am quite sure you knew that. 

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. 

Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".

Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

A Tiny Bit of Edible Beauty From Propagating Romaine Lettuce

Back and Forth

Back and Forth

Back and Forth




Concrete poetry aside, we are doing some retiling at the house.  It's time, it will get rid of the worn out look, and will put our stamp of approval on things.

We are leaving the old Saltillo tile in the Florida room.  That's the terracotta "Mexican" tile to you. The new tile is light colored and will fit together much more closely than the old.

We like that stuff, and it wears well.

But it also means that every time I go into the house, I step on the porch and look at my garden.

I have the last of the Propagated Romaine Lettuce that I was so entertained by in a pot on a plastic chair next to the plastic table that I can't use.

Too many mosquitoes in my garden.  I'd build a dome over the property then spray bug killer if I thought I could get away with a weird parallel to The Simpsons Movie plot.  It would probably blow away in a tropical storm anyway!

The thing about that is it works.  The tiny little flowers are rather beautiful, even if the plant is this weird stalk of leaves that is leaning over and trying to find the soil.

It's just too hot here in South Florida to reliably grow lettuce, and I have many other things in my garden.  I'll just enjoy the little flowers every time I pass.

As for the home improvement... I'll be at this for about another two months.  Or less I hope, or more I expect.

Sunday, August 1, 2021

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

There are two for today, yes, a two fer!
However, even I don't get that last one, so if you can figure it out, you've got one on me!


There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention.
Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats.

But the owner of the other shop was not making money.
He was tired of it.

He had asked them many times to close shop or move somewhere else in town.
But they always declined.

One day the shop owner had had enough.
He hired Hugh MacTaggart, the meanest thug in town, to "deal with" the two friars.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop.
He threatened to come back if they didn't close down.

Trembling with fear, the two friars closed down shop.
The moral of this story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

"Hello, are you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?

Dude is now confused but sticks to his lines

Salesman: We are here to let you know about the digging in your area.

I get excited

Me: Your digging for a dinosaur in my area!

Dude is now shocked, he pauses but stays with his lines

Salesman: Oh no, we just installed fiber optics in your area and you can upgrade today!

Me: oh no, I just like dinosaurs.

Closes door