Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

So the thing about waking up before the dawn is you end up getting things done well before everyone else.  Me, I'm sitting here wondering what I can get in before the house wakes up.

You ... don't have to because I already did!

Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last meal. The guards told him he might not be able to have a last meal. He said, “That’s ok, can I just sing my favorite song all the way through instead?” The guards asked the warden, and they all agreed. It wold be highly irregular, but if that’s what he wanted, it should be OK.

The convict started, "A million bottles of beer on the wall..."

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Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer! 

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Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his mother, and in the middle of the water, he stops and says, "Mamma... are we pure blooded Polar Bears?" Mamma bear looks at her cub and says, "Oh son, of COURSE we are!"

The next day the cub is hunting with his grandpa, and in the middle of a big ice storm the little Polar Bear stops his grandpa and says, "Grandpa... are we PURE polar Bear? Like, we don't have any Black Bear, or Grizzly bear, or California Brown Bear mixed in with us?" Grandpa bear looks at him quizzically and says in his deep, gruff voice, "No, no, son... We are PURE Polar Bear, as far back as we go. Your great-great-great grandparents were all pure Polar Bears! Why do you ask, son?"

The little Polar Bear looks up at his grandpa and says, "Because... I'm FREEZING!!"