How do you cut an ocean in half? With a seasaw!

I'm not a fisherman.  I have thought that my speed would be to have a patio that leans over a river into which I could flick a line, but that would require a lot of planning, and maybe a construction permit or three.   

 

On the other hand these two clowns...





Two guys go on a fishing trip


Two guys, Sheldon and Howard, go on a fishing trip. They start looking for fishes near the ocean. They spend 2 hours finding fishes but don't find any. At that time another ship goes by their ship. They ask the captain of the other ship where they could find fishes.

The captain replies: "You wont find any good fishes in this saline area. Keep going straight ahead and you will hit a fresh water lake"

Sheldon: "Okay sir! Thank you!"

They start moving.

Sheldon asks Howard to take a bucket of water out of the waters and taste it to determine if they had reached the fresh waters.

Howard: "This water is saline"

They move ahead.

Sheldon asks Howard to check the water and finds it is still saline.

They keep going for 4 more hours when Sheldon asks Howard to check the water again,

Howard: "Hold on, let me re-fill the bucket"

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police!

Insurance people have their own language, their own jargon and of course, their own humor.

 

I had the (ahem) pleasure to work in an insurance company years back, and I have to say that they all had their own way about them. 

This is why when I was reading these this morning, I was a bit surprised to see that I laughed at each.

I mean, have you ever seen an actuary laugh?  Statisticians? 

 

Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each of their companies’ services.

The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one said, “When one of our insureds died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”



 

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. 

He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister.
Anything that touched him caused agony.

The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
 

"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
"It will keep the sheet off of him."

 



 

A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.

The agent says "Tell me what happened?"

The client tells him and the agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered."

The client says "Well, let me explain better what happened."

The agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered either."

The client says " I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!"

Rack Should Not Beg - Video

  

I have become Rack's job.

Utterly.  

You see with a dog as smart as Rack, if you don't keep them occupied, if you don't give them something to do, they watch you.

I do call the breed the McNab SuperDog (TM) for a reason.

He has figured out that there are certain things that I do just before going out.  

Get the wallet, brush my teeth, get the mask, car keys, and other things.

Sometimes he is right and it becomes an explosion of excitement and bedlam ensues.

Other nights like this one, he is wrong and is drafted to stay home and watch the house.

He is not destructive nor does he counter surf, we broke him of that a long time ago with a few metal bowls on top of things.  But he really would rather come with us.

This is one night that the begging got on my nerves, frankly, and I decided to do a little video of Dog Shaming.

Awwww.

It used to be that we could go to the big box hardware stores with him, but now I'm thinking even that is not going to happen with Covid. 

Too bad.  It was a great training tool.

I could tell you a joke I heard from my watch, but that would be second hand information.

Remember the good old days?  You could walk your dogs into an outdoor restaurant and have a meal with a friend and Man's Best Friend?

January 2000 by my measure.

 

 

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.


The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

You're so old, your doctor is a paleontologist.

See, when you have a two-fer about Grannies, a Paleontologist is on order.

Two Granny Jokes

Timmy, and his Grandma were walking through the park...


Out of nowhere, Timmy spots 5 dollars on the ground. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said : "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground! " Quite sad, Timmy and his Grandmother start walking again.

After a while, Timmy finds a lost toy. Timmy has wanted this toy for ages, so he tries to pick it up, but his Grandma said :"Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!" So they start walking again.

Suddenly, Timmy's pack of chewing gums fell out of his pocket. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said: "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!" And after a minute of whining, Timmy and his Grandma start walking again.

As it is becoming dark, Timmy and his Grandma were ready to go home. They walk home, but the Grandma trips on a small stone, and since she's not the youngest anymore, needs help to get up. So she asks Timmy for help.

He said:

"Don't pick up dirty things from the ground!"

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.


The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.

Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the granny stopes him. He turns around and asked her:

"What is it granny? Do you want to know why i buy cabbages without taking one?"

The granny looks at him and says: "No, i just wanted to say the price grew. Now it costs 10 dollars!"

The View From The Front Porch - A Wilton Manors Florida Sunset

This is my reputation.  I sit in the rocker, in the front room, behind the big window. Sometimes I wave to passersby.  Sometimes I comment on the sunset and how beautiful it is tonight looking West towards the Everglades and Lake O way off in the distance.

My Sister says to me "Oooh! Pics Please".

Others say "Pics or it doesn't happen".

Ok, I'm saying "A Video is Worth A Thousand Words".  This is the view from the porch.  For a while I was going out before sunset, setting up the tripod and time lapse camera, and letting it run.  It is time to get these videos on youtube, and off my hard drive.

It's about two minutes of a time lapse of a Wilton Manors Sunset.  I think it is one of the better ones from the collection, but I keep watching because they're almost always beautiful and almost always worth a glance over my right shoulder to see the colors.

I normally announce it on facebook when it's a good one, and I may just get the camera back out again.   Who knows?

For now, you can enjoy this.

Why did the blonde return the vacuum cleaner? It sucked.

The man who loved tractors


There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). 

The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife.
His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.
She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
 

Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck.
She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.
 

He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn.
He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper.
 

He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.
The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor.
 

But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky.
So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in.
 

I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. 

When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever. I mean, hindsight is 2020.

I guess I can post this one, after all, I was told I am part Irish.  

Yeah, that's what I'll go with. 

 
Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

Very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated

No, Rack, Walk ON the Grass. Cutting Corners Is Not Allowed.

I am convinced that this is being done for my entertainment.

That or my dog's entertainment.

Mind you, I know that Lettie, my departed dog used to do similar things.  She'd sit down or sniff the grass very slowly in front of one house in particular that had barky dogs in it.  The dogs would go insane and when I told her that it was time to go, she merely looked up at me, smiled, and went back to her sniff.

Trust In Dog.

Rack is a much more interactive dog than Lettie was.  He is all about the play, and while he will do things for you, he will expect to have a bit of fun while he does it.

This car thing, for example.  

You see, Rack has terrible aim.

He is one of a very few Yellow Footed Collies that I have heard about.  Yellow Footed as when he goes to lift his leg on that rock at the foot of the driveway, he misses.  More often than not, he will spray all over the place.

Like on his feet.

Now you would expect a misfire from time to time, but this is the rule and not the exception for my boy.  

I got tired of this game very quickly after we got Rack.  I solved it by putting a hose and a spray gun on the porch.  The water is turned on all of the time and I would simply spray his feet heavily to wash the misfire off his legs.

"Come on, time to wash your feet" I would say while bent double behind the fence on the patio.

Great, but now we have 45 pounds of dog with wet feet that have not completely drained off.  My solution was to have him walk through the grass and around the car before letting him inside.

As time went on, I realized that I could simply tell him to "Walk in the Grass" and he would do the lap around the car without my tromping the lawn down into a path.  He would continue around the car and up the grass on the other side until he got back to me.   It was our little routine, a trick.

Then he realized that he could cut corners.  

He must prefer to walk on hot black asphalt because he would come closer to the car while he is walking instead of letting the grass clean between the toes.

Mind you, if the car was not on the driveway, he would estimate the car's length and walk a loop around it.  Sometimes he would actually walk it in the grass.

So my passive-aggressive smiling dog would be tracing paths around the yard, smiling, and ignoring the grass.

"No, Rack, ON the grass!" I would instruct as he would cut corners.

They do have their own minds, even if you can't figure out where that mind was.  

We would repeat it until I tired of the game or he did. 

Repeat and repeat and repeat.

Standing at the front of the car but out of sight of little low to the ground furballs, I would make my preferences known and send him around the car again in another orbit.

When he got it right, he would get his release from this dizzying routine and go inside.

I just think he thinks he's getting away with something by walking on asphalt while scurrying around the yard three times a day.

And I am a bit too stubborn to allow all that to happen so there I am bending over to one side of the car, then to the other to watch his progress.

Who knows?  On a day he's not feeling quite so playful, we might actually get it done right first time out.  Another and he is smiling and sneaking around the bumper cutting corners.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

The thing about the roads pretty much everywhere is that in this day and age, people are trying to convince us to take mass transport or to, gasp, walk.  Roads are more crowded, people are more hurried, and it just adds to the general chaos we have in society.  

A man was driving home from work when he got a call from his wife...

“Be careful, honey,” she said. “I saw on the news that there’s some idiot going the wrong way on the highway that you take to get home.”

The man was confused.

“What do you mean?” he said. “There isn’t one person going the wrong way, there are hundreds of them!”

 

 

And since it is sunday and I am feeling a bit generous, before I go into the kitchen and see what I have around to make for lunch, here's a story about a fish and an ant.

 

Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish. Despite everyone telling them it was wrong, they fell in love.

One day they eloped and moved into a cottage by a pond. Their only neighbor was Mr. Frog

They lived many happy years together and then something unexpected happened; they had a baby.

They were so happy and their child grew up to be most peculiar. It seemed he could do anything he put his mind to.

He got straight A's in school. He had two part time jobs. He was the star player on three sports teams. And he volunteered around the community.

Mr. Toad was amazed at him. One day he pulled the child aside and asked, "How do you have time for everything you do?"

And the child said, "Well, I guess its because I'm a fish-ant."

 

An onion just told me a joke. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

 I usually don't lean towards blond jokes.  The presumption that someone's hair color turns them into a mental houseplant is a strange one, and most of the people I have met who are ... slow, have had dark hair.

However since I have been laying low since I pulled a back muscle last week, this one fits.

Not to worry, I'm on the mend and expect to be back on skates this week.

But...

Visiting the doctor.

A brunette walks in to see her doctor and explains that she has a very serious problem.

“You see doctor, my entire body hurts”

She then proceeds to touch all over her body saying ouch every time.

The doctor sits back on his chair, rubs his chin for a few moments and then says..

“You’re not naturally a brunette are you”

“Well no, I’m naturally blonde - I dyed it because of it the stereotyping that goes with. Why do you ask?” She replies

“You’ve got a broken finger” replies the doctor.

And as my British Friends would say, In for a Penny, In for a Pound...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.” He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.” He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset she leaves.

The day after that she decided to dye her hair, use makeup to change her facial appearance, and wear a completely different set of clothes.
She goes the same store and tells the salesman, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”

The same salesman once again tells her, “I cannot sell to blondes.”
Upset she finally asks him how he knows it is her.
He tells her his reasoning and says, “I know because that tv you want to buy is a microwave.”

Post Storm Grass and Dragonfly Squadrons

Among the weirdness that has been 2020, I now have a squadron of Dragonflies.

Mind you, I rather like these creatures.  They have been around much longer than have been mankind. 

I am fairly certain why I have them here as well.   We do not treat the grass like most people do to keep the grubs away.

While many areas do this sort of thing, maintaining your lawn with pesticides in some strange recollection of a British Past, this is the tropics.  My little community is built upon a sandbar that was once a swamp and before that most likely a part of a beach.  I expect that within 100 years, it will be a beach again since we've managed to ruin the environment for "Profit!".

That this is the tropics means if you spray things on the ground, they soak quickly into the aquifer through all that sand that we pretend is our soil and you end up soaking your neighbor's pesticides onto your own grass when watering day happens, twice a month here in Broward county.

We have little signs on our yards stating that here there are poisons, stay off until dry.  You end up wondering if there really is anything there, or will your bare feet end up sprouting cloven hooves and glow in the dark as a result.

Not spraying my own yard allows these grubs to become whatever they were, in my case a squadron of dragonflies.

I also have quite a few white Snowy Egrets march across my front yard on a regular basis trying to find what they will for brunch.  They do so in their own entertaining herky-jerky motion, dipping their rapier like beaks into the sandy loam and moving onward like a drinking glass bird.

Don't break those, I've been told that the glass drinking glass birds are filled with a poisonous liquid.  Just a suggestion...

In the weirdness we have all had, we were just brushed by what was Tropical Storm Isaias (or however it is spelled and said).  It didn't create too much damage, here, and left regrowing into a category one hurricane by the time it made it to North Carolina.

Before it had even completely left South Florida, the dragonflies had begun to hatch.  They always come after a rain, and we had just had a week or so of daily soakers.

I welcome them, no matter how many we get.  The dragonflies eat the evil mosquitoes that have a nasty habit of finding me, personally, and dining on my ankles and legs.  That would be why I am always in long pants, preferably Jeans.  Never stand long in one place and always wear protective clothing.

We had so many dragonflies dive bombing the yard, that standing on the corner of my property you could hear their wings flapping in a soft clapping as they dodged through.  It wasn't quite a Locust Swarm event, but it was markedly more than I had ever seen. 

Stepping off of my porch for the evening dog walk, surprised, we left the property with Rack our Faithful McNab Dog.  Getting further down the block, there were fewer dragonflies and noticeably more mosquitoes.  You can thank me later.

Coming back I had grabbed this small section of a picture of my lawn.  A few leaves and there are three dragonflies in that small square.  One is looking right at you, just above the website address.

Finally getting back into the house, we were stopped.  There was one last dragonfly that wanted to come in with us.  It landed next to the door and tried to gain entry.  I did manage to change its mind by squirting it with the hose on gentle mist long enough for us to dart into the house.   It hovered at the door watching us like it belonged in our party.

Strange creatures sometimes appear when you least expect it.  Then they eat your mosquitoes and move on. 

We are seeing the numbers decrease in balance with the numbers of mosquitoes, but since it is in day nine of rain I don't think we will ever see the end of them.

Random Hurricane Thoughts on Isiais

This is one of those things that you do if you are a blogger.  You have a self imposed schedule and you put in place holder articles so that you may maintain it.

On the other hand, Nothing really happened here because of the storm.  We're safe here, my friends, my town, my neighbors are all safe.  I understand it's weakening so I believe that the Bahamas should be fine, although I have not seen anything crop up on the news services.

Never mind, I wrote this blather, and I shall let it go live!  Live on!  Live on, little blog posting that few shall ever read!!!!

First off, "ain't nobody" can say that damn name.  Two years down the line, people will still be saying it wrong.

So here it is Saturday Morning, and the storm is working it's way up through the Bahamas.  I expected it to be here, and to be in My Chair By The Window watching the weather but only two feeder bands.

Now they are expecting the thing to skitter along the coast and never quite make landfall here in Florida.  It's already hit the Bahamas, and I haven't heard any reports from there yet.

The joke in my family is that it's going to Clint Moore Road in Boca Raton.  That is the apparent southernmost limit of where the freezing weather can get.  I'm about 8 miles south of that, and that it is just someone at the Weather Service playing around with me and the rest of us here.

Ok, so I am stretching the point and have a bit of OCD about that particular place.  Besides, it is August, and the warmest week of the year starts on August 7th so no worries about freezes.

So far so good.  Here in Wilton Manors, we expect nothing worse than tropical storm force winds.  I have stowed the Orchids that haven't grown the roots to the fence, the Lean-To shade is stored, and I have thrown the plastic yard furniture into the pool.

That furniture bleaches up real nicely in the salt system that we have back there and will be clean for the next one.

This isn't to say that a Tropical Storm can not hurt you.  Please take appropriate care.

If you see this either my power went out or I decided on Sunday Morning that it's better than putting a joke out there.

But since you expect that out of me on a weekend, this is appropriate so it just may stay!


A woman brings her son to the beach

She fusses over him and tells him to be careful when he goes in the water.
Suddenly she sees a wave hit him and the ocean pulls him under.
The woman screams and runs to the water.
Falling to her knees she begs God, “dear lord, please bring my only son back to me. Please lord, he’s all I have in my life.”
Moments later the sun shines down from beyond the clouds and the boy, coughing but alive, steps out of the water.
The mother looks up at the sky and yells “he had a hat!”

I started a new diet, All I had was toast this morning. I had 2 glasses of wine and congratulated myself on the progress.

One of my web wierdnesses is looking at the point where lines of latitude converge.  The Degree Confluence Project says that 26 Degrees North by 80 Degrees East is just offshore of Hollywood Florida Beach.  The stories can be quite informative if a bit "esoteric".

75 Degrees West by 40 Degrees North is on a golf course in Riverton NJ, near where I grew up.  The people there know of it and are very helpful to tell people who want to stand there.

I wonder if there's a convergence point near this little old lady?



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden.
It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.