Saturday, September 30, 2023

Why don't bananas ever adopt children? Bananas foster

When I saw this one, I thought "this is perfect for today"!

Why?  I've been in the kitchen off and on for the entire morning, and I'm up quite early. 

So enjoy since my coffee is getting cold and I need to make a giant vat of dog food that lasts Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) for the next three days.

A family is eating ham for dinner.

The daughter notices that, every time she makes ham, she always cuts each end off.
She says, "Every time we have ham, you always cut each end off. Is there a reason you always cut the ends off?"
The mother responds, "It's something I learned from watching my mother."

The next day, the mother calls her own mother and asks why this was.
She says, "I noticed that, every time we would have ham, you always cut each end off. Is there a reason you always cut the ends off?"
She responds, "It's something I learned from watching my mother."

The next day, she goes over to visit her grandmother.
She says, "My mother said that every time you cooked ham, you always cut each end off. Is there a reason you always cut the ends off?"
She responds, "It's something I learned from watching my mother."

The next day, she goes over to the nursing home to visit her great grandmother.
She says, "My mother and grandma said that every time you cooked ham, you always cut each end off. Is there a reason you always cut the ends off?"
She responds, "So it could fit in my pan."

Wednesday, September 27, 2023

I Guess It Is The Wet Season, Part Two or When August is Too Hot To Rain

Yeah I know, "Global Warming Doesn't Exist".

Turn off Fox News.  It isn't news, even Rupert Murdoch tells you that it's lies.

Sorry, "Boomers" but the "Zoomers" and "Millennials" are right, things have changed and not for the better.

Besides, I was a kid who noticed that things were changing years ago and I'll be collecting Social Security soon if they don't steal it.

Off the soap box now, but hey It is a Blog and it's my right.

When I was a kid I noticed that the weather was "Normal, One Way".  Growing up in South Jersey, it would snow around Thanksgiving, have a snow pack by Xmas, and the last of it would melt in a small pile in April.

I also noticed that it was changing.  We never had Ice Storms, that was what happened in North Carolina.  We got those.  Snows got deeper and more abundant when they came.

Mind you that sounds wrong but when you grow up in an area where it's too cold to snow in February and you start getting feet of snow (ok, 30cm) where you never did before, it is because the atmosphere warmed just enough to hold that much more water and dumped it on your head.

Down here in Fort Lauderdale, the old timers say "You could set your watch by it.  It rains at 3:30 every afternoon.  I saw that when I was a snowbird in the late 80s.  Not any more."

This year, it was hot.  Hotter longer and later.  When August happened, the rains stopped. 

That's the meaning of the picture at the top.  I worked out in Fairmount Park in Philadelphia and that particular year we learned if we were up at 6am and skating, we could beat the heat.  Why was that important?  I saw my first 104F/40C day ever there and then.

It hasn't quite gotten that bad here in So Flo.  We saw 98 which surprised me since I am only 2.5 miles (4km) from the beach.  It was like that all August, or "close enough for us". 

If you hear that the hurricane belt has moved North, I won't be surprised.  They're highly unpredictable beasts, but it used to be that a storm would come here if it went anywhere. 

It really messed up my schedule because I had a lot of work to do on my Jeep Wrangler this summer.  I hardly ever drive but I have been doing so by the light of the Check Engine Light.  The "Gas Cap Code" P0442 "Very Small Evap Leak" caused a cascade of repairable problems.  In a 21 year old car, that is repairable but it is also a game of Whack A Mole.  

Similar to the workouts in Philly, I was out in the carport at the crack of 7 setting up a large fan to blow the mosquitoes away, then to keep me cool.  Once 10am hit, it was stop work time since it was too hot to continue.

21 year old vacuum hoses don't bend well, those are the ones you have to GENTLY wiggle to see if they move.  If so, replace, if not, move to the next one.

That 21 year old Jeep isn't the problem either.  51,000 miles on it, it hardly gets used.

So what does a 21 year old Jeep have to do with the weather?

Red Blobs On Radar will make you stop work too if you're smart.  If August was too hot to rain, late September it's restarted with a vengeance.   Getting caught out in a Red Blob On Radar can "ruin your day" when it's more water than you used in the shower this morning all at once.

So here we are, Global Warming doesn't exist until it does, and run for Higher Ground.  Or at least stay out of the way of the lightning.  If your hair stands on end, good luck, you're going to be close to that strike.

After all, you can outrun the storms.  I did once on Inline Skates.  I could see the rains coming South on Federal Highway in Pompano Beach once and I was a Mile North of the Car.  That day I got to the car before the rains unleashed their fury.  Not always and don't do it on a Metal Framed Bike. 

But can everyone?

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Did your hear about the alcoholic scuba diver? He was convicted of diving under the influence.

Sometimes you just need to brag about your successes.  Even if nobody is listening.

A man enters the confessional

He says to the priest “father, do you know that new girl who moved into town?”

“Kathrine? That supermodel with the blonde hair and the long legs?”

“That’s the one father. Well, I’ve been sleeping with her all week. We did it twice a day Monday to Friday, and then on Saturday we did it four times, and then just this morning we did it before I came here.”

“Oh my, and you’re not married to her?”

“No father.”

“Well do you at least know if she’s a good catholic?”

“She’s not a catholic at all father and neither am I.”

“Well if you’re not a catholic what are you doing telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody in town!”

Saturday, September 23, 2023

What's made up of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A Shoe!!

 As I am getting ready for the sunrise and the second dog walk, I am thinking about the wildlife here.  Too many Ducks.  Way too many.  On the other hand no horses and if I ever see a Zebra here, I may just freak out! 


A horse, a zebra, and a duck

A horse, a zebra, and a duck walk into a bar, they eat their food and have their drinks.
The horse goes up to the bartender to pay, and the bartender says, “why the long face?”
The horse stares at him for a little, and then storms out without paying.
The zebra goes up to the bartender to pay instead, and the bartender once again says, “why the long face?”
The zebra chuckles lightly in frustration and then also storms out without paying.
Finally, the duck goes up to the bartender to pay.
As the bartender is about to say something, the duck stops him and says, “Let me guess. Why the long face?”
The bartender replies, “No sir, not at all, that would be extremely rude. I was just going to let you know that since your friends left without paying, their tab is on your bill”

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Have you ever been asked by a dog to weigh him? I have been about twice a week.

I'm an early riser.  Too many years of getting up at stupid o'clock to get to Fairmount Park on the weekends and to the gym at work before checking in did it.

Beat the rush, you end up resetting your clock.

After all, a full workout, shower, and getting done in time for whatever normal is takes time.

So here I am, at home, and I can't sleep past 5:15 in the morning no matter how hard I try.

There is a definite routine, and even that is carved in stone.  Now that Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) is getting older, I have to get him outside immediately.

Oh sure, he is at my side of the bed, on his back, waiting for tummy rubs.  100 count, I am not stingy when I can.

Then I get him out, and wait. 

After all that I am in the bedroom.  Right in front of the full length mirror, there is an electronic scale.  I weigh myself, and start to get dressed.


Many mornings, Rack decides "me too".

I look down and see twin brown laser beams looking back up at me as I pull up the zipper on my shorts and T-shirt over my head.

"Rack, show me?"  I ask him to look at what he wants me to do for him.

Lately, he looks at the scale.  It's like the little kid looking up to big brother because "Me Too" is how we all learn.  If he doesn't look at the scale, he walks over to it and touches it.

Gently.  One foot on the grey vinyl covering, then the other.

He doesn't yet understand all feet have to be on the square so I have to help.

"Let me help" I say as I scoop him up and lift all four feet on the scale.  It's more like a hug.  I think he likes the physical attention.

I bend deeply and get two readings.  "You're such a good boy".  I feel his tail brush my legs as he steps off the mechanism and walks off.

Rack has always been small for the McNab breed.  He has had digestion issues and allergies, and I made his food as a result.  So there is a blue post-it note stuck to that mirror telling me that his weight was 43.6 pounds as of September 1 and was 41.2 as of April. 

Good.  A little padding is fine.  He's an athletic dog, and a little extra padding helps.

Then I sit on the bed to put my shoes and he helps.  We play the Leg Game where he weaves between legs and gets extra praise and pets and more contact.

You know, it really is a great way to start a day.

Sunday, September 17, 2023

All of these presidents are so corrupted except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.

I have to wonder, in this day and age, how many people will misread that title and think it is political.

Or by pointing it out, did I just make it so.

Philosophy at sunrise, next on PBS

File this one under the topic of Malicious Compliance. 

A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money !!

He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the money was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.

 A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

Saturday, September 16, 2023

What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner? Rigor Motors

 Ok, weirdly that is completely appropriate for me.  Got my parts in for the Jeep and it's time to replace some rotten rubber hoses. 

But First!

Yes, it's a wee bit long but a great story!

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "
Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what would you say?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

How to Humanely Catch a Lizard or Spider - Or Not Now, I'm Too Busy For This

I have had a very packed morning.  Full of appointments, visits, and dog walks.

By the time I got back I was thinking that it's not going to be an easy one and I just needed to get on my way.

So why does this sort of thing happen just before it's time to leave?

Nature is having way too much fun today.  I ended up with a wee little lizard in the house.

These little things are about as long as your finger, and this one was no exception.  It also was one of the night time lizards which meant it shouldn't be stuck to the inside of my screen on the window. 

By stuck, I mean with wee little Gecko feet, but you get the idea.  No glue was involved.

I keep a couple of these cylinders around.  They get swapped out for new when I can find one.  In this case it is a repurposing of a mailer that my light blue cycle jersey came packaged in.

Gently open the window by sliding it to the left.  Shield the critter with the stripe of the window frame so it is less stressed out.  Cover the lizard with the cylinder - really any large glass would work but these plastic packing "waste" cylinders are much lighter.  Then slide a piece of a junk mailer under the lizard.  Close the window, walk the creature outside.

Except it liked being with me and jumped onto my hand instead of the Croton growing in the garden.  

A quick shake and it's gone back to it's lizardy life where lots of tasty insects live.

Bye little Lizard, we hardly knew ye.

Sunday, September 10, 2023

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level... let me tell you That was no easy feat.

Yesterday, I was riding around in circles on this island on the bike.  Today, it's walking in circles.  Not a whole lot changes I guess.

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. 

As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." 

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

Saturday, September 9, 2023

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world? Exaggeration.

 I come back from a workout demanding a large breakfast.  Of course I make it myself, the demands are my own needs and not to someone else.  I have a habit of making French Toast after a long cardio workout, have since I was competing on a team in college so long ago.  But the stuff is really an excuse for making bread pudding for a meal.

And that's nice on its own.   Bread soaked in Egg Custard and pan fried until crispy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside.  Served coated with Mango Jelly.  What's not to like?

A woman works in the Editorial Office of a newspaper and brings in a large, fresh loaf of bread. She puts it in the break room, where eight or so "old boys" are sitting around drinking coffee. She says, "My husband is learning to bake and made this bread, but he made a mistake--"

But at that precise moment, her mobile rings and she steps out to take a call. One of the men suggests that they try the bread to determine the mistake, and the competition is on: Each grabs a slice and begins carefully eating a bite.

After a few moments, the art critic is sure that he's used the wrong grade of flour and begins explaining to everyone who will listen about how a 1050 grade will produce a darker white bread, obviously what has happened here.

The movie critic is absolutely certain that her husband added too much flour during kneading, which, as he slowly describes, stimulates gluten formation and results in a dense, stodgy bread that hasn't risen as much as desired.

The Chief chimes in, explaining how this kind of bread needed more steam during baking, wasn't sliced with a serrated bread knife, and points out that this bread could have done better in a seasoned aluminum tin.

The food critic, who has been silent this whole time, finally spells out his dismay, chiding the scoring shape and lack of originality in presenting such a plain loaf. Such a blunder is a clear sign of a novice and the critic is sure her boyfriend will not amount to much of a baker.

The woman, long since done with her call and standing in awe of how long this discussion has gone on, blurts out:

"He made too much."

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

This is why I grow flowers all year around. Rack's Butterfly Pays A Visit

Rack, It's over 90 Degrees out there do we really have to go outside?

In and out, In and out, that's what being an older dog is all about. 

We've had you for almost 13 years now.  I can tell when I change your food, I'm going to be out of the rocking chair more often.  You had your lunch, I've given you your treat ball, and I have barely finished my Pork Sandwich and Baked Potatoes.

It's hot outside.   Summer here in South Florida generally lasts 11 months out of the year.  The yard looks like a photo that is over exposed.  I tell myself that when I look at a video from Britain and everything looks dark.  "Must be August".

The Laundry is demanding attention, how about waiting a little bit longer?

I take my clean clothes from the dryer, toss them on the bed.  As I reach for the hangers to air dry the T Shirts in the Air Conditioning draft, you're staring holes in me from the door way.

Hmm, you must really need the tree.

I turn.  Spotting an iguana cropping the grass I remember the state wildlife commission saying "Always "disturb" Iguanas where ever possible."

Come on, Rack, let's go annoy some Iguanas.

He runs to the back door.

I walk outside and realize the Iguana has gone where ever those nasties go when they aren't blending in with the turf and undermining it.  "If I wanted something in the yard cropping the grass, I'd have sheep." I mutter as I round the corner.

Spotting the flowers in the pot I think "This is why I grow Zinnia".  A mostly orange butterfly is feeding on a pink flower.  Flapping its wings gently I manage to get off some pictures and not disturb the little beauty.

Yes, this is why I grow flowers all year around.

Sunday, September 3, 2023

Why did the girl break off with the frostbitten mountain climber? She was lack-toes intolerant.

 I know someone who calls it exactly that.  I get a wry smile when I hear it because I know that I awakened the Dad Joke Gene in him and he's doing it for my benefit.

Repeat after me:  Lack Toes Intolerant...

Rumor got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill..

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.
"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.

The fox came later that day to confront the bear.

"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.

That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.
"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.

"It is." the bear growled.
"Can - can you remove it?"

"Oh, for sure."

And finally since this is a bit short to stand on its own, remember Resumes say anything you want them to.  And usually do.

The interviewer said "Your resume says you take things too literally."
I said, "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"

Saturday, September 2, 2023

I joined a cooking group that pledges to keep our Mexican sauce recipe a secret. We have a Mole in the organization.

That would be a "Molé" right?

And since today is a day for some weirdness, being the weekend and all, here's a two-fer for you!


This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" asked the sheriff.

"Over there", replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.

"You buried them?" asked the sheriff, "Are you sure they were dead?"

Replied the farmer, "They said they weren't, but you know how those people lie."

And since that one was so old...

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"
I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."
I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."