Sunday, April 30, 2017

Ginger The Baker

This one reminds me that I have to make some cookie dough today, so in honor of that...

Once upon a time, in a very, very small town, there was a baker who was named Ginger.

She was a very modest person, and not only was she humble, but also very soft spoken and kind. She was famous in the town for her baked goods, especially her cakes.

One day she was experimenting and created a new cookie. So far, everyone loved it. Deciding that she wanted to add the cookie to her common sale items, she needed to name it. So she called the town together and had everyone try it.

Once everyone had sampled the delicious cookies and helped themselves to some complimentary cake, Ginger walked up onto the stage and said, "I have asked you all to come here today to help me name this cookie. Any ideas?"

Someone called out, "What's in them?"

She replied, "There is just the usual stuff, flour sugar and the likes and also some ginger, which is what gives it that special flavor!"

"So," the person continued, "there's ginger in it, and your name is Ginger, so we should recognize you on your creation and call them Ginger Cookies!"

Ginger was appalled by this notion and tried to fight against this idea saying, "I don't want my name anywhere in the title of the cookies!"

However, the people were entrenched with this name and after a bit more of Ginger fighting against it, the crowd began to chant, "Ginger Cookies! Ginger Cookies! Ginger Cookies!"

Finally, enough was enough and, Ginger began to scream at the crowd angrily, while flipping tables everywhere!

The next morning, the headlines in the local paper read, "Ginger Snaps!"

Saturday, April 29, 2017

4 Old Ladies Are Pulled Over

4 old ladies are pulled over on the highway...

They're pulled over, because they're only going 17 mph, which isn't safe on a highway. The cop points this out to the one driving, and she says,

"Oh I'm sorry, officer. I thought that was the speed limit."
"No, that was the highway number. The speed limit is 80 mph, but you have to go at least 45 mph."
"Thank you officer."

Just then, the cop looks at the backseat, where the other three old ladies are. They're very pale, and shuddering, with scared looks on their faces. None of them are moving, and they're practically hyperventilating.

"What happened to them?" The cop asked.
"Oh, you'll have to excuse them, officer," the driver explains. "We just got off of highway 124."

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The Beauty At Your Feet

The Japanese have many artistic traditions that we in the West are beginning to notice and take into account.

Of course we will get them wrong from time to time.  A Minimalist aesthetic can be wonderful.  Walking into a place that looks clean and polished where every fine detail is meticulously fussed over will immediately draw you in and have you pay deep attention to the space that isn't used in comparison with the spaces that are used.

Then again, sometimes we get it wrong.  The mass market plasticization of society and public spaces can simply look stark and uninviting.  An Apple Store always seems cold and sterile to me instead of a place to draw you in and invite creativity.  After all, that is what a computer is used for, to Create. 

Maybe I am digging a bit too deep.  My own wanders over my own patch of beach sand here never ceases to amaze me.  Having grown up in the Prairies of South Jersey, I was used to a certain look and feel of things.  My split level house of my youth was plucked out of a life of The Wonder Years.  The Pin Oaks planted along the street would change with the seasons but were very much of the place and grew with the time.

Here things simply look different.  I live in a town that will never freeze, or so I am told by the USDA and their zones.  I have never seen it below 34, and it may not have been quite that cold since I am rather close to the beach. 3 Km or 2.3 Miles to be specific.

So things are not adapted to lose their leaves in winter.  Flowers can occur all year around.  If you like that sort of thing, and are observant, you can find beauty in just about anything.

My own yard for example.  I find things that look like what the mother of a friend of mine called Wandering Jew.  She told me that if the conditions are right, they will bloom.  That sounded simply insane that a house plant would bloom like that to me since you just can't leave things outside in the cold weather.

Here, it is a weed.  And it blooms.

A tiny little dot of blue in the field of green at my feet.   All I have to do is be patient and wait.  In this case it was in late February, but no matter.

Other times, there's a spot of yellow.  Most likely from the shamrocks that grow in my yard, it could also be
sorrel.  Either way, these things are predictable.  I almost always see them out there.  Bright yellow or a pale lavender, they are in the sun, growing all over the place. 

I have taken notice of them as they end up in my plant pots.  How that happens, I have no idea.  The flowers tend to be cut with the lawnmower, they reappear quickly, and they disappear. 

Again, it blooms and brings beauty to a uniform green, if you know where to look.

That would be the key. 

Open your eyes, pay attention.  You could be missing something quite special.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Two Guys Are Bungee Jumping One Day

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.

The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a piƄata?"

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Why Not Some Jokes On A Saturday Morning?

I feel so bad for my friend.
He spent years of training in the medical field.
Spent thousands on putting himself through University, making sure he was the best he could be.
This week he struck off for sleeping with one of his patients, they had known each other for a couple of years prior to this.
It makes me so mad because he was a bloody good vet.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick

My dad got fired today and asked me to be his teacher.
His boss told him to learn from his mistakes.

What do you call a staircase with no railing in an old folks home?
A stairway to heaven.

This actually happened to me yesterday with my grandpa
Grandpa: pointing to the newspaper hey buddy, can you hand me the sports section
Grandson: sure hands him the sports section
Grandpa: no, no, no, not that he reaches over and grabs a different section
Grandson: but that's the obituaries grandpa...
Grandpa: yeah but when you're my age this is the sports sections

What does corn invest in the market?

Why are octopuses so dangerous?
They're heavily armed.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

How did Egyptian kings communicate with their wives?
They used their Pharaoh-moans.

I asked my brother if he could help me think of a synonym for "pamphlet."
"Ya bro sure!"

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?
He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Morning Tummy Rubs Are The Best

Anyone who has the pleasure of having a McNab Dog in their life knows the position.

On their backs, spine curled, one or more legs in the air, exposing their belly for all to see.

Have you no shame, Sir?

Nah.  Why?  It's tummy rub time.

Actually in this case, it's an every morning thing.  Even before I get out of bed, I am leaning over and rubbing a tummy.  The lights then get turned on, and the abbreviated morning routine happens.  Coming back into the bedroom, if he gets up, as soon as the door to the bathroom opens, he's back down on the floor preparing to roll back up into his bendy self. 

It is a comically common position with Rack, my McNab SuperDog (TM). 

He does it anywhere he thinks he'll get attention.  He has also fallen asleep under my hand while I was rubbing that tummy so I must be doing it right.

If he isn't sleeping on his back, he's bent into a dogball with his head on his tail.  It isn't that he does that to keep warm, I live in Florida.

South Florida.

You know, below the Freeze Line?  Boca Raton gets temperatures down to 32.  The coldest it has been since I moved here was 34.  That's 1C for those Metricated people out there.

He will do that in winter, summer, no matter when.  If he gets too warm being curled up in his bed, he's going to come out and sprawl out on the Terrazzo floor and curl up there. 

Bendy Dogs will do that. 

Comically so.  In fact, those of us who follow the breed have decided that our bendy dog is normal, it's a trait, even if he's being visited by a parrot who may want to try to take over his crate. 

Oh sure, they can flatten out like any other dog.  If they act like they are made out of latex, rubber bands, springs,  bits of string and other things that stretch and bend, they will sprawl out on the floor.  In fact I do believe that they will deflate partially, lowering their internal air pressure by half like I did when I used to take my Jeep off road in the New Jersey Pine Barrens near Chatsworth.

So I have an off road dog.   Wouldn't be the first.  Lettie did it as well.  When she got older, she stopped bending so much and would be solar powered, letting her mostly black fur soak up as much sun as possible, recharging her for later.

But she used to sleep in a ball just like Rack does.  Like I said, it's a breed trait, and an amusing one at that.

I guess it is one of those things to watch for.  As time goes by, Rack will choose to recharge in the sun, flatten out and stop his bendy ways but I bet he'll always roll up for a tummy rub when it's available.

And even when it is not.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Thirteen Jokes For A Laughable Sunday Morning

What's the difference between the gas pedal and brake pedal?
"I don't know"
"I know grandma, we're taking your keys away. You just drove through a farmer's market again."

Why was the mortgage so clingy?
It hated being alone.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

An elderly couple is in church.
The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

What do you call a pig with no legs in a veggie patch?
A ham and salad roll.

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.

Why did the jelly roll?
It saw the apple turnover.

How did you catch a one of a kind animal?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame animal?
Tame way.

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
A: Arrest-room

Q: Where do robbers eat dinner?
A: Arrest-aurant

Q: When do robbers stop playing their instruments?
A: At arrest

Q: when do robbers stop being robbers?
A: when it becomes a hostage situation and those coppers ain't taking me alive... ... ... ... BANG

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Just when you thought it was safe to read a blog, here comes A Baker's Dozen of Bad Jokes!

If you think having your microwave spy on you is bad… you should know that your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Bachelor's Day
Just a reminder that Bachelor's Day will be here soon...
...Also known as Palm Sunday.

What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
I hear invoices!

This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water

Why did the old man fall into the well?
Because..... he couldn't see that 'well'.

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store.
Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius Seizure
(just like my salad)

Why does Piglet smell so bad?
Because he plays with Pooh

I can think of a lot of different places I could have told this story to people, so I'll just leave it here:

A Donkey And A Wolf Were Arguing
The donkey says he's pink while the wolf says that the donkey is grey. They go see the lion to solve their conflict.
The lion days that the donkey is alright, and the wolf was wrong, so he gets 2 years in jail.
Wolf: "But, your honour, you know that I am right!"
Lion: "You're going to prison for wasting your time convincing an idiot something he will never understand."

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?
He got Toad.

There once was a guy called Billy,
He had a ten ft Willy,
He stepped on a rake,
And got bitten by a snake,
Now his name is Lilly.

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler, I woke up exhausted.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

How Do You Know Whether To Syringe Feed Your Dog Or Stop

Of all the things I wrote on this blog, the one that really grabs hold of me and forces me to think, critically, it was the time I wrote about Syringe Feeding my dog Lettie near the end of her life.

I made decisions, some were right, some were "right for me".

It has been four years since, and I'm right around the anniversary that day that we let her go.  In fact, one day past.  April 11, 2013.

Yesterday, coincidentally, I got a comment on that posting from Holly.

My 16 yr old , rat terrier , Aggie, was diagnosed with renal issues by the ER vet on Sunday. She wanted me to put her down and when I didn't agree, she sent me home with medication for her nausea and iron supplements. I will say they did give her subcutaneous IV fluids. I was provided a leaflet and told not to feed her protein....try oatmeal. I took her to my vet today and we have a plan. She is end stage, but at least he is trying to see if we can get her numbers down. I am feeding her via syringe with Hills A/D. He has started her on a phosphorous binder, antibiotic and more fluids. Thank you for your article. It's calming to listen to others who understand the love we share for these creatures who only love us unconditionally.

 Remember, I am not a Vet.  I'm just some blogger sitting in a chair in South Florida writing about my own experiences...


I will say that everything that the vet told Holly was true to what I was told.  Low Protein, Low everything.  I had to wonder what on Earth Lettie was getting in the prescription food. 

This is basically what happened before mankind discovered Dialysis.  You flush the body with IV fluids, mostly water, to get the things out of the body that the body considers waste.  Dialysis machines are frighteningly expensive, and here in the US in this day and age, it's well known how obscenely expensive health care is, let alone sending your dog or cat through this treatment.

Then you get a reprieve. 

We went through three cycles.  You will know when it is time to stop.  Lettie told me.

Lettie was a McNab and Border Collie cross.   She had The Eye of a BC, but the webbed and cat like feet of a McNab.  She also knew how to get her point across.  Through the feedings she never bit.  I tried all sorts of foods to try to keep her energy up.  Finally one Friday morning, I knew. 

Lettie stopped eating, looking at me, she stepped away from the syringe.  

A Herding Dog can understand a lot more of your language, body and verbal, than you would realize.  I asked her if she wanted more.

A dog looking away but not walking away spoke volumes.  It was her saying "I've had it, I will do it if you want, but I don't think it is for the best."

That was the day that I made arrangements.

I had bought her fully almost a year.  The last month was for me to get ready.  It was time, I knew it too. 

So that's the thing.  You have to really KNOW your pet.  They do love you unconditionally, even if you're not doing right by them. 

It will test you and your resolve.  They may be a bad candidate for this treatment.  Dogs or cats may scratch or snap or just otherwise back away. 

Some people are wrong for this - their view is that "the dog is just a pet".  I will hold back comment on that mind set.

It is a lot of prep work to feed your pet this way.  Not for everyone.  It was for me.

In the end, you will make your own decision, and it will be right.  No judgement.  Especially if you try and don't manage to get the feedings to work. 

Lettie understood all this.  She taught me when it was time, and she told me when she was done.

By going through the treatment, you are buying time.  You are purifying the blood of a dog under Renal Failure.  You are partially resetting the clock, but you can't completely replace what is lost.  All this will weaken them, but it will buy time.

Bottom line, yes, I absolutely would do this again.

Two weeks after I lost Lettie, I was told by someone who is very close to me this:

"Bill, it hurts too much, give another dog a chance, Lettie would want that."

I did.  Rack is here at my right elbow while I am writing.  He is his own challenge with all his fear issues, but at four years on, we're learning. 

So I have a feeling I have around 10 to 12 years more with him learning me.  Why not, Lettie did.   She was a dog of a lifetime. She knew what I was up to at any given moment. 

Rack? Yes, he knows that I don't give him an ice cube until the second time I make coffee so don't beg until then.

Good luck with your feedings.  Buy the time.  It is worth it.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to give a very good dog a cookie.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

There is a guy who got pulled over speeding.

There is a guy who got pulled over for speeding.

The cop comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?"

The man replies, "I'm a juggler in a circus, and I'm late for my next show. I apologize. I assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

The cop looks intrigued, and says "Whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! If you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, I'll let you go with a warning."

The juggler says, "Officer, I don't have my equipment with me, i had to ship it separately."

The officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them.

The juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.

Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle."

The man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, "Sorry officer but I ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

Saturday, April 8, 2017

John Was In The Fertilized Egg Business

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch, and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the county fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Green Onion Flower, or When Internet Memes Bloom

We have all read them.

Internet Memes that promise that you can grow your own food forever.

Guess what, they're right.

Actually, in some cases they are.  Others depend on how good a gardener you are.

When I was a wee brat, I had pots and plants all over my bedroom.  Along with fish tanks and the sort, there was always something growing, living, bubbling.  The room was always a little more humid than the rest of the house which was great in Winter I guess.

Those Suburban South Jersey split level tract homes could be rather dry, even if you had the bedroom over top of the garage.

I guess I had some luck with growing flowers.  I had a marigold bloom that grew in a thimble sized pot once with a tiny little flower that surprised me.

But this was a surprise.

The meme said that there was a list of food plants that you could grow from the root portion of the plant.  This promised to be a "forever" thing, if you got it right and used them well.

Carrots, Onions, Green Onions, and Celery, as well as a laundry list of other things.

Green Onions.   We would get a package of them and end up tossing some of them every time.  There is an ongoing "discussion" here about green onions.  When I was growing up you used up the entire plant.  Green leaves and the bulb.  Nothing was wasted.  Others would only use the bulb and leave the leaves in the trash.

I decided to stick those extras in a pot.  They started to grow.  I would cut a leaf off when I needed some green onion for my Pizza or what ever else I was making.  They kept growing.

In fact, the problem I have now is that the plants are a bit too prolific.  I have two pots that have green onion in them and we don't use that much in the way of greens.

One of the plants in particular must have been very happy because it sent up a little spike that bloomed.  I never thought too much of a Green Onion as a garden flower, but this was a rather beautiful white and green tinged puff that came up in the pot.

All of this out of some plants that I rescued from the trash.

So yes, as for this Meme?  You can grow them over and over.  If you do, you can just stick the extras in the soil.  As for recipes, the green portion tastes the same, the white is there for crunch.

Simply leave a little bulb on the bottom of the white portion of your Green Onion and you may get good results.  The suggestion with regular onions is to slice about 1/2 inch or 1.5 cm above the bottom root portion, and stick it in water until you see growth.  If you do get some root stock showing, then you can plant that and later get another onion.

Bottomless, never buy vegetables again?  I won't go that far but I certainly can't see buying Green Onion in the next trip to the grocer, that's for sure!

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Thirteen More Short Jokes

What's the difference between an innuendo and a fart?
One is winky, the other is stinky.

There something I don't like about the tree in my font yard.
Seems kinda shady!

What did the buffalo say to his son the day he left for college?

Due to sexual dimorphism, some male species of insects are larger than their female counterparts.
They behemoths

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad joke.

What's a ghosts favorite food?
A boo-rito

When talking to the hiring manager, she said...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

The oldest computer...
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

Better throw out this sauce because it's about to expire.
It's simply the "Time of the Ancient Marinana"

Did you know that if you took all the men who died while constructing the Hoover Dam and stood them all on top of each other...
... you'd be arrested.

God allows animals to ask him one question...
The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck? God: to be able to get the finest leaves.
The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick? God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.
The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.

I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...
What can I say? I like Tibet.

My phone fell from the 25th floor,
Good thing it was in airplane mode.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

April Fools and 13 Short Jokes

Ok, it's the weekend, It's April Fools Day.  May as well post some jokes right?  

What's a dogs favorite cheese?

Playing doctor
Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.
Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!".
Johnny's mother responded calmly, "that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."
Susie's mom screamed out, "but he took out her appendix!"

Have ya heard the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well....

What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of synonyms?
A thesaurus.

Lost my watch at party once..
I Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl.... not on my watch.

I went to go update my cymbals....
But then they crashed

A mathematician walks home drunk at 3am and his wife is fuming.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.

Did you hear the one about the new chemistry teacher?
He's getting mixed reactions

If you're a doctor and you're delivering dinner to a couple of patients, and you accidentally give the first plate of food to the wrong person, you need to be very careful about how you say, "I'm sorry, sir. You've got her peas."

Would you call a drunk...
...working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

Did you hear about the guy who tried to lock himself in a shed for 1 hour?
In the end, he couldn't contain himself.

My imaginary girlfriend died.
From hypochondria.