If you think having your microwave spy on you is bad… you should know that your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Just a reminder that Bachelor's Day will be here soon...
...Also known as Palm Sunday.
What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
I hear invoices!
This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
Why did the old man fall into the well?
Because..... he couldn't see that 'well'.
Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store.
Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
(just like my salad)
Why does Piglet smell so bad?
Because he plays with Pooh
I can think of a lot of different places I could have told this story to people, so I'll just leave it here:
A Donkey And A Wolf Were Arguing
The donkey says he's pink while the wolf says that the donkey is grey. They go see the lion to solve their conflict.
The lion days that the donkey is alright, and the wolf was wrong, so he gets 2 years in jail.
Wolf: "But, your honour, you know that I am right!"
Lion: "You're going to prison for wasting your time convincing an idiot something he will never understand."
What happened to the frog that parked illegally?
He got Toad.
There once was a guy called Billy,
He had a ten ft Willy,
He stepped on a rake,
And got bitten by a snake,
Now his name is Lilly.
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler, I woke up exhausted.