What's the difference between the gas pedal and brake pedal?
"I don't know"
"I know grandma, we're taking your keys away. You just drove through a farmer's market again."
Why was the mortgage so clingy?
It hated being alone.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
An elderly couple is in church.
The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
What do you call a pig with no legs in a veggie patch?
A ham and salad roll.
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.
Why did the jelly roll?
It saw the apple turnover.
How did you catch a one of a kind animal?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame animal?
Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom
Q: Where do robbers eat dinner?
Q: When do robbers stop playing their instruments?
A: At arrest
Q: when do robbers stop being robbers?
A: when it becomes a hostage situation and those coppers ain't taking me alive... ... ... ... BANG