Sunday, September 29, 2024

Why did the eraser add insult to injury? It likes to rub it in.

 I will say that if I walk into a room and the lights are on, I turn them off when I leave.   The timers?  If a bathroom fan is on longer than 30 minutes, I turn it to shorten the time.

Yes, that is how I rebel.



 There was man whose wife was always trying to save money. She used coupons, barely ran the AC, and stuff like that...

...She also didn't like to use the car much, to save on gas, tires, brakes, etc.
Her habit annoyed her husband sometimes.

One day while taking the bus home from work, the man noticed that there was often a lot of traffic and he wondered if he could run home just as fast as the bus takes him.
So the next day he decided to try it.

After work, he headed over to the bus stop, sat down, and put on a pair of sneakers.
As soon as he saw the bus he started running.
He ran the entire length of the route.
And he even arrived home earlier than he usually does.
He thought his wife would be happy.

He said to her, "Honey, I saved us $2 by not taking the bus. I jogged alongside the bus all the way home!"
And she thought for a moment and replied, "Next time, you can save $20 if you run beside a taxi!"

Saturday, September 28, 2024

How much did the pirate pay for earrings? Buccaneer

 Hmmm, I knew I was forgetting something!  Well ok, as I finish up some cheese-waffle fries and am waiting on a burger, I'll just drop this puppy here for you to enjoy!



Rude Parrot


A man goes into a pet shop looking for a pet parrot. He looks at all his options and eventually picks one sitting in a cage by itself in a dark corner of the shop. He carries its over to the counter and places it in front of the shop keeper.

The shopkeeper looks at the man and says "oh no sir, I would recommend another parrot, not this one!"

"Why? What's wrong with this one?" asks the man.

"Well his last 3 owners have all returned him. You see, he's a very unpleasant, rude, parrot".

The man thinks for a second before deciding how bad can it be. He says "it's fine. I'll take him".

The man takes the parrot home and sits down to watch tv. Not 2 minutes have passed before the parrot speaks.

"Hey, fatty! Get me some crackers will ya, ya lazy bastard!"

The man ignores the parrot and continues watching the TV.

Again the parrot shouts "Hey, tubby! Are you deaf as well as lazy?"

The man turns to the parrot and says "I don't want to hear another rude word from your mouth! If you say any more abusive things I'll put you in the freezer to calm down!"

The parrot replies "I doubt you could be bothered to get off your seat you stupid dick head!".

With that, the man gets up, grabs the parrot by its feet and carries it through to the kitchen. He opens the freezer, stuffs the parrot into the top drawer and slams the door. Despite the parrots muffled yelling he goes back to watching TV.

After 30 minutes he decides the parrot will have learned its lesson so he goes to let it out. He opens the freezer and pulls the parrot out. It's shaking like a leaf and has an icicle hanging from its beak.

"Are you going to behave?" asks the man.

"Y-y-y-yes s-s-sir" shivers the parrot.

The man takes the parrot back through to the living room and places it on the radiator to warm up. The two of them sit in silence for a few minutes before the parrot speaks again.

"I just had one question, if you don't mind?"

"I suppose so" says the man. "What is it?"

The parrot says "what the hell did that chicken do!?"

Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Time for a Training Slow Down? Then Adjust Downwards Your Diet Proactively.

Sometimes the road to training is best taken at half speed.

I didn't think that made a whole lot of sense until I was told that I won't be able to train for the rest of the year.

Due to "Unforseen Circumstances", I'm on the bench, Coach.

What that means is that I hit a pause.

When someone asked "How's Bill?", "Hungry" was a good response.

I had said that the Afterburners are on and that it takes a lot of fuel to power a V8.

Automotive metaphors aside, whenever I had to take a pause on training, I would throw the brakes on the training diet as well.

As time goes on and you are training, Skate/Bike/Run/Whatever, your body starts wanting more food.  Your weight will drop, your need will increase.

I am assuming that you have that training diet down and were getting in the proper amounts after developing a balanced diet all on your own.

I know, it's a lofty assumption but I was at the point where there was a dessert with every single meal, another one after dinner's dessert, and an off day was 3000 calories.

Now, I've managed to cut that intake down to a maximum of 1500 calories regardless,  and I don't think I hit that yesterday.

It's a parallel to when I was competitive in inline skating back in The Days.  Injury is not the only reason to aggressively limit your intake, something as simple as weather and season is another good one.

I'd approach winter and begin to slow down as early as September, like Now, when the days got shorter.  By the time I had to stop and shift everything into an indoor gym, I'm down to almost "regular" person schedules and eating "normally".

I told this to my boss who was a power lifter at the time and he just couldn't wrap his head around why I would worry so much.

Then he laughed, and I thought "He must have taken a plate to the head" and smiled.

*CLANK*!  How's that Rich?

If you find yourself approaching a training slow down.  Vacation would be a good reason.  Definitely make an adjustment to the intake or else you'll be carrying around extra weight when you can go back to it.  The muscle mass loss will be bad enough.

So I shall be looking at the home gym that has collected dust and making sure that the cables are set and begin to do the resistance exercises I have long avoided.

Cardio is life.  Resistance was futile.

But you have to do both.

Sunday, September 22, 2024

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

You know it has been a while since I have seen this sort of Wild Kingdom out in the yard.



 A boy leaves his home in Abilene at 18.

He wanders the world to explore cuisines all over. He tries exotic foods from across the world and writes food travel articles for the biggest publications around the world. Twenty years later, his father develops cancer and the boy returns home.

His father, proud of his son’s achievements promises him a dinner like he’s never had before. The son eats it, marveling at how delicious it was, curious because his father was never much of a cook.

After dinner, sitting on the porch watching the sunset, the boy says, “Dad, I’ve travelled the world, eaten delicacies rarely tasted by outsiders. My palette is so refined, yet I cannot tell what you cooked tonight? What was that meat?”

The father pauses, looks out over the plains and says “Carrion, my wayward son.”

Saturday, September 21, 2024

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.

I'm sitting here watching the debate with the Prosecutor and the Felon thinking well, this is appropriate timing.

So what policies are you going to pursue?



A politician arrives at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is there to greet him, checks the roster and says "Oh! you're a politician. before I let you in you have to spend a day in heaven and a day in hell."

the politician says "Huh? that's crazy. Why?

St Peter says "It's policy"

"Okay" says the politician, 'Lead the way"

St. Peter lets him in. A lush valley appears before him. Angels are singing, harps are playing. people are just relaxing.

"Pretty boring" thinks the politician. He goes to sleep that night.

In the morning, he wakes up on the path to hell.

"Uh-oh" he thinks, "This will be barren landscapes, rivers of lava and souls being tortured"

He rounds the corner and is at the gates of hell. Lush, beautiful landscapes, Beautiful sunny weather. People are playing golf and volleyball. Ahead is a 5-star hotel. He goes in and there is a bountiful buffet with all you can eat. The devil is there, wearing a tuxedo and sipping a Martini. He eats, golfs and is enjoying himself. he sleeps that night on a lush mattress for the best sleep ever.

In the morning, he wakes up back at the pearly gates. "Well," says St Peter, "What will it be?

"I'll take hell" says the politician and Poof! He is back in hell.

But it is barren landscapes, Rivers of boiling lava, the smell of sulfur and all you can hear is screaming souls being tortured. And there stands the devil in his tuxedo, sipping a martini

"What happened?" says the politician

The devil says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted!

 

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

2:30 AM Intrusive Thoughts About Recipes

Some have a recipe box.  I have that.
Actually I have three books plus some more.
Oh and a recipe box too.

Those thoughts went through my head at 2:32AM today.

I rolled over and felt a pulled muscle in my shoulder twinge from some athletic endeavors over the weekend and it brought me awake, quickly.

Some have scratch pads, recipe books, and other ways to save things.

I have had a blog since 2009 or so.  Mind you, it never really took off so I just use it to store random rantings that I have from time to time.

It is especially useful for recipes.

This business of workouts, and cardio, and more athletic nonsense?  It burns a lot of calories per hour.  On a bike, it is about 1000 calories, on skates it is 1500.  I tried explaining that to a doctor once and I got told that I was related to Thor and Hera and one of the Greek Pantheon.

I can't say that is true, the number of times I fall off my bike and skates is a bit too high.  They would protect their own.

But it gives me an excuse to eat a lot of carbohydrates.  Double desserts are not completely unheard of.  After all, it takes a lot of fuel to move someone through four dimensions.

I have a way of doing things.  It is straight forward, and it got me through this soup that we call a South Florida summer.  I actually performed through the high summer.  Raw temperatures are higher in the big cities like Philadelphia, but the humidity here is like working out in someone else's shower or even steam bath.

One lap in the park is roughly 4.5 miles. 
Three laps is a little more than a half marathon once I finish tanking up.

I go around the park three times, then get back to the Jeep.  In there is a bag of cookies, home made of course.  I take one, 100 calories worth, and sit on the bumper of the Jeep.  It is like having a properly sized bench waiting for my use. 

After the cookie is done, a thermos of ice water is downed, and I ride to the Golf Pro shop.  Ice and water is available.

Now back to the workout. 

Two more laps at just under 10 miles. 
I would give you all the metric equivalents, but just think Long.

Repeat on the bumper of the Jeep.  That other cookie, that other bottle of ice water.

I keep hearing stories of how it is difficult to keep a high level of activity in a Tropical Summer, and it is.  Just don't stop.  Train to that level and you will make it.

Think of the Rift Valley in Africa.  After all, we all are descended from people who decided to leave there and go to every corner of the planet.

If the weather holds, and I am checking the weather radar on each water stop, I will do another lap.  That is a full marathon plus a mile.  That lap I call the "Ego Lap".  It seems to me that it is more for bragging rights than a need for training, but I have trained to need those six laps, 27.75 miles on the bike. 

I was there on skates but the trail proved too dangerous for that.  I have to work through that.

Back to those recipes.  This link here will point you to a search on Duck Duck Go for my site for all recipes it finds.  You can choose for yourself but every single one was made by my own two grubby paws.  Some are better than others.  

The Biscuits,
The Pizza Dough,
The Mango Jelly,
The Quaker Vanishing Oatmeal Cookies are all favorites.

The Leaked KFC Recipe has the spice mix on my counter right now.  Just measure it out by Teaspoon, and add it to two cups of Self Rising Flour.  I will say that I go lighter than that, and find the spices to be better at two tablespoons per cup flour.

Saturday, September 14, 2024

Why didn't the orange win the race? It ran out of juice!

I'm taking a break from making a pizza from scratch to put my feet up for a bit.  The Dough is spinning around in circles in a bread machine on dough cycle.  I am using milk instead of water so who knows, should be lighter crust.

This recipe is a great one, Thanks Patty!  She let me write down a bunch of them from a recipe book that she was given when she got married to my BIL, Mike and I still have the same piece of scratch paper.




A married couple who are professional skydivers decide they want to adopt a child.

They visit an adoption agency, but the social workers there are hesitant about the idea.

The couple explains that they live in a spacious, modern house with a fully equipped playroom and a large, secure backyard for the child to play in. The social workers are impressed but still concerned about the child's education.

The wife assures them, "We’ve hired a private tutor who specializes in all core subjects, plus extra lessons in Spanish, coding, and music."

The social workers then worry about the child’s safety given the couple’s extreme lifestyle.

The husband smiles and says, "Oh, don't worry, our family physician is on call 24/7, and we have top-of-the-line safety gear for everything."

Finally, the social workers ask, "What age are you looking to adopt?"

The wife responds with a grin, "We’re not too picky, just as long as the kid fits in the parachute harness!"

Wednesday, September 11, 2024

Revisiting the Quaker Oats Vanishing Oatmeal Raisin Cookies Recipe

Make this.

No, Seriously, Make this recipe.

If you like Oatmeal Raisin cookies, you will love this.

The back story is that I'm stupidly active.  As in my weekly Marathon on the Bike has become the "norm" and I'm just getting to the point where I am considering doing more days instead of more hours of cardio.  Maybe two days on skates, two on bike.

Don't know.  Gotta think this through.

Every hour I take a water stop.  A break.  I sit on the bumper of the Jeep at the park and have a cookie and a water bottle.  Ice water in the vacuum bottle is easy.

But I burn through the calories as fast as I do the cookies. 

So, we need to keep carbs on hand.  We have all heard of "Hitting The Wall".  This is where an athlete simply runs out of fuel, blood sugar, and is done.  My own way around this is to do an hour, about 1000 calories burned, and stop for a cookie.  They are 100 calories and a quick hit of carbs to build my blood sugar back for more training.

Repeat as necessary.  I do at another 45 minutes. 

A Cookie is 105 calories per 30 grams of uncooked dough or 100 calories to the ounce.

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 Pound (227 Grams) Softened Unsalted Butter, Salted Butter, or Margarine.
  • 1 Cup (220 Grams) Firmly Packed Brown Sugar
  • 1/2 Cup (100 Grams) Granulated or White Sugar
  • 2 Large Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon (5ml) Real Vanilla Extract
  • 1 1/2 Cups (204 Grams) All Purpose Flour
  • 1 teaspoon (5ml) Baking Soda
  • 1 teaspoon (5ml) Cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon (2ml) Salt - Optional
  • 3 Cups (255 Grams) Rolled Oats or Quick Oats.
  • 1 Cup (240 ml - by volume) Firmly Packed Raisins

Process:

  1. Preheat oven to 350F - 180C - Gas Mark 4 - Moderate  (source for conversion)
  2. Beat Together Butter and Sugars well until creamy
  3. Add Eggs and Vanilla and beat well
  4. Add combined Flour, Baking Soda, Cinnamon, and Salt, Mix well
  5. Stir in Oats and Raisins, Mix Well
  6. Drop by Rounded Tablespoons onto ungreased cookie sheet.
  7. Bake 10 to 12 minutes or until golden brown (It took me 12 to 14)
  8. Cool 1 minute on cookie sheet then remove to wire rack
  9. Makes about 4 dozen

Sunday, September 8, 2024

Why did the belt go to prison. It held up a pair of pants

 I'm being held up today as well.  Pre-dawn rains came through at the 530am dog walk.  So if the weather clears, I'm off to the park for a sunday marathon on the bike.

On the other hand, I figured while I was waiting, I may as well disgorge this little gem for you and whoever finds it in the future.

Enjoy!



Two desperadoes are on the run, making their way across the desert.

It’s been a few days, now, with no civilization in sight. Between the heat, hunger, and dehydration, their minds are starting to play tricks on them.

“Bo. Do you see that?”

“What? I don’t see nothin, Slim.”

“Up there!” he says, excitedly. “It looks like… bacon! In that little scraggly tree!”

“Slim, you’re just imagining things. There’s no such thing as a bacon tree.”

But off he runs, leaving Slim behind. Giddy as a schoolboy, heading for what has to be a mirage.

Before he gets there, a shot rings out.

BANG!

And Slim slumps to the ground. Bo, with no regard for himself, sprints to the side of his fallen friend.

“Bo?”

“I’m here, Slim. Just hold onto me, alright?”

“Bo, listen,” he whispers. “It- it wasn’t a bacon tree, Bo…”

“… it was a ham bush.”

Saturday, September 7, 2024

My aspirations are to be stupidly rich in the future.

I'm already stupid so I'm 2/3 of the way there.


And speaking of stupid, get a load of these three guys.  (Its always guys)


Three guys, Tommy, Mike and Leslie, are going to hunt bears.

So they walk around, looking. Suddenly, they see a bear's den. A huge one.

Tommy: Nice. Now, how are we going to get the bear out?

Mike: Hey, I have an idea. Let's tie a rope around me, you two lower me into the den, and I shoot the bear right there. Then I tug on the rope and you get me out.

The other two agree. They lower Mike in. A minute passes, no shot. Two minutes, five minutes... finally, they decide to stop waiting and pull him out.

Leslie: (takes a look) Hey Tommy. Do you remember; when Mike went in, did he have his head on?

Tommy: (thinks for a minute) Don't think so Leslie. If he had it, he sure as hell wouldn't have gone in.

It would appear Mike met a grizzly end

Wednesday, September 4, 2024

Watching The Rain, The Ducks, and Procrastinating.

"If I misread RADAR, I'll just sit in the Jeep for an hour, watch the rain, and come back."

And that is exactly what happened.

I've always been quite good at predicting where storms will go.  Up North, it's pretty much a West to East progression.  The weather today in Chicago is the weather in Pittsburgh tomorrow, and the day after in Philadelphia.

Here in South Florida, it can come from any direction.  Storms may bloom and crop up anywhere in the wet season.  Having a good radar program available, and learning how to read it means the difference between being able to enjoy the outdoors and getting back to the trailhead looking like a drowned rat.

Every so often, you get to sit in the Jeep and head home.

Today.  I sat in the Jeep.  Listened to the CBC Radio 1 from Canada on the internet for an hour.  Then I came home.  Got to watch ducks.  Ducks walked past the car, then returned.

I once looked up from the phone after re-tuning to a different radio station and was being watched.  Squirrels.  They're used to me.  I park in the same spot every single time I use the park, or as close to it as possible.  I think they're trying to convince me to feed them but I know better.

Look up again, and it's the ducks flying past.  Something scared them, they're not too bright. 

Look down at the phone and it's 8AM.  My hour of thumb twiddling is over.  The Canadians are telling me the news.  Same headlines I heard while feeding Rack at home from the BBC a couple hours back.

I'm up at 515 in the morning, whether I am going out or not.  Since I have Rack, I go out every day.  A mile and a third, or about 2 Km, for the first walk. 

The very first thing I do after canceling the alarm is to check Radar and get a weather report.  I knew today would be a wet one, there was a cluster of storms vectoring right toward my head.

So as I walk into the kitchen the cells hit and my quiet house sounds like rain on a hot tin roof.  Pleasant enough, but it would delay me getting things done.  Rack is still terrified of thunder, and this is the place Where Thunder Is Born.  He did eat his food, but we sat around until it got quiet.

Everything has its time.  Rushing a dog because the weather is ugly is not really a good idea.  All it will do is make him wet, and get me to sit under a tree, in a park, watching ducks.

Like today.

Sunday, September 1, 2024

What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

You know, they always told you to show your work, but there is a wrinkle to that isn't there?


  Refinery Engineers

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."