How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Second day in a row with Ducks.  I sense a theme.  Better get out there and try to beat the T Storms before the Ducks get there first!



 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary…

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed: "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$500!" she cried, "$500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $500."

I have a carpentry joke but it wooden make sense.

Everyone knows (a) Dave.  But does everyone know Dave's Dog?





Dave was a keen duck hunter and he'd been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave's search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn't believe he'd found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand.

However, Dave didn't mention the dog's special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn't long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn't get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet. Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn't say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn't resist it any longer and he said to Paul, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?"

"Yes, I did", said Paul. "He can't swim."

Homemade Yogurt plus Homemade Self Rising Flour equals Two Ingredient Bagels in the Air Fryer.

I'm bending the definition of two ingredients.  

Since I am not afraid of making things from scratch, and that includes ingredients, I'm defining the recipe differently.

Homemade Yogurt plus Homemade Self Rising Flour equals Bagels.

Sort of.  Mrs B back at the Bagel Place in Cherry Hill, NJ back in the day would chuckle at these and say it's a nice try.  They "suffice".  They are not the best but they are certainly good in a pinch.

I am using Homemade Yogurt.  The original recipe calls for Greek Yogurt and works well with that.  Since Homemade Yogurt has a higher amount of liquid in it, the Greek Process makes something more like Cream Cheese than what you're used to out of a tub, you cut it back.

I find that either:
5 Ounces of Greek Yogurt or 3.25 ounces of Homemade Yogurt can be used.

Furthermore, if you have Self Rising Flour around, use it.  1 cup.

Since I don't keep the Self Rising Flour on hand, I take 1 cup All Purpose Flour and add 1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda.

That is the recipe, it makes two bagels.

Air Fry at 360F for about 13 minutes flipping at 5 minutes.

I wanted Cinnamon Raisin Bagels, and apparently that is something that the bagel shop we go to in Florida does not do any more.  

I guess Cinnamon Raisin Bagels have "Aged Out"!

To make Cinnamon Raisin Bagels, add about a teaspoon of Good Cinnamon to the dough, and 1 ounce of Raisins.  Knead all the ingredients together.

Kneading.  This starts as a dry mix, but as you knead the dough together, it gets wetter.  If this gets to be too wet, dust with flour.

Furthermore, a real bagel is boiled before baking.  That gives that shiny crust we all know and love.  If you do nothing, the crust will be crispy and even hard.  I used Olive Oil and it was approaching the right consistency but I am open to suggestions.  

Maybe I will boil them next time.  With Honey or Malt Syrup.  Hmmm.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup Self Rising Flour or 1 cup All Purpose Flour Plus 1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda.
• 5 ounces Greek Yogurt or 3.25 ounces "Regular" Yogurt.

Process:

• To a bowl add 1 cup flour.
• Add 5 ounces Greek or 3.25 ounces "regular" yogurt.
• Knead, by hand, the mixture until the yogurt has been incorporated.
• Optional - This will make a plain bagel.
• Optional - Add Ins are 1 tsp Cinnamon plus 1 ounce Raisins.
• Optional - Coat or Roll the bagels in Sesame Seeds.
• Egg Wash or Coat the Bagels with Olive Oil or Butter.
• Divide the dough in half.
• Roll out the dough into a long thin cylinder and attach the tail to the head.
• Or roll the dough into a ball and push a finger through the middle and stretch to get the traditional hole in the middle.
• Bake in Air Fryer at 360F/180C for 13 plus minutes.  

I have a boxing joke, but you beat me to the punch.

I have a habit of posting these things on the weekend, and they have found their own audience.  On the other hand, while I go out of my way to post something you could tell to a minor, no strong language, that sort of thing, I think this bends the rules.

Maybe Junior High School?  I mean I remember telling worse when I was in 7th Grade.

Meh, let me know.  On that note, I have a marathon to bicycle today.  Weather is too nice to sit inside and we're going to make Stuffed Shells for lunch.  Vegetarian, cheese, and I know this recipe is a good one.

Whatever you do, make it a good one and as John Lewis once said:

Make Good Trouble!




 10 Husbands, & Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

" You what?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

She said; "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband with a massive grin on his face, "and what about me?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

I decided that my statistics joke was too mean.

 Hey, it's Saturday!  Go on!  Go enjoy yourself, it is YOUR day!


Now, I am not going to say "Stop me if you heard this before" because I know I have.  But it is truly a good telling of a familiar story.  So do enjoy!



An 85-year-old man went to his physician for a check-up.

"So, how are you feeling?", the doctor asked him.

"Better than ever," the old man replied. "I have a 20-year old girlfriend, she's pregnant, and our baby will be born soon. So all in all, not bad, Doc!"

The doctor thought for a moment and said: "I'm gonna tell you a story. I knew a man, an avid hunter. 

One day he went hunting and by mistake, instead of a rifle, he took an umbrella with him. 

And so he's walking through the forest, when suddenly a huge bear appeared out of nowhere, and charged right at him! 

The man didn't lose his head, raised the umbrella, pressed the handle, and... the bear fell dead at his feet!”

"Well, that's impossible", the old man objected, "someone else must have shot it at the same time."

"Actually," said the doctor, "that's exactly what I'm trying to get at..."

Rack In Rim Or How I Can't Get Anything Done Without Supervision

I was out on the bike over that weekend.  My normal marathon was cut short, in fact, by half.

I have a goal.  If I ride 28 miles, 6 laps of the big gas bag, parked in the barn, in the middle of the park, I can call it good.

Oh sure, it tires me out and I end up having a nap in the afternoon, but after burning about 2000 calories in 2 hours, I am entitled.

Inline Skating the same amount of time is about 3000 calories, so I have this mindset that I'm slacking or cheating myself when I am on that contraption.

I knew this morning that there was a chance of rain.  I have a habit of taking that chance and running with it.  I need that workout, I don't even feel 28 miles in cooler weather.  Or at least what passes for Cooler Weather here in the steam bath and furnace that is South Florida.  

I measure workouts in how far I go past a marathon.  If I get rained out and it is less than a solid 27 miles at least, my records on the spreadsheet take the entry and display them in black instead of green.  Since the workouts are getting easier, that half workout of 13.38 miles was just a Lark in the Park.  Didn't even burn 1000 calories.

That's important because a normal day for me is taking in about 3200 calories.  Or more.  Afterburners are on, and I'm pretty much hungry during my waking hours.

Want that chocolate cake that I have recipes for?  Try to keep up.

I got home and after lunch I was feeling very relaxed but I remember that once I got back to the trailhead and my Jeep, stopping was a bit more "leisurely".  The brakes had gotten wet and leeched trail grit and oil onto the discs and pads.  It needed a servicing.

Luckily I have this down to about 5 minutes of active work once the tools are in place.   It makes me consider working on the Jeep's front disc brakes and whether it is a doable activity.

Probably.

Getting home, tracking mud onto the floor and setting myself up in the dining room floor, I was able to unmount the brake calipers.  Bending the cotter pin, freeing the two pads and the retaining clip.  A few strokes of sanding the pads, cleaning the disc with alcohol, and replacing the parts, I was able to get the rear brake in place.

Rear brakes get more use on a bicycle.  It was that way on my motorcycle as well.

Moving to the front wheel, My Supervisor was sleeping on the job.  Rack, The McNab SuperDog(TM) was sleeping on the job.I was able to get the job done without disturbing him.  Rack is 14, has three active cancerous lesions within his body, so he needs his rest.  I'll let you know when he slows down because he takes me for 5 miles of walks per day.

Buttoning the bike together quickly, that task was finished.  Rack snoring, I was able to get the bike task out of the way and ready for the next trip out.

Oh, and that rain?  Happened again on the next workout.  Wet Season seems early this year.  Must be an El Niño thing.

I have a quantum physics joke and I also don’t.

That one is for the Big Bang Theory fans out there.  

Or not.





While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the lady.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the head of state.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the head of state. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

I have a chemistry joke, but I'd get no reaction.

 I have more but they are always too caustic.  

On the other hand, ya know... this is just too good not to share!






On a long-distance train journey, a man and a woman accidentally ended up in the same sleeping cabin. Both were married, but they didn’t know each other.

At first it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but since they were very tired, they soon fell asleep. The man slept on the upper berth and the woman on the lower berth.

Around 1 a.m., the man woke up because it was cold. He slowly leaned down and woke the woman, saying, “Excuse me, ma’am, sorry to disturb you, but I’m feeling very cold. Could you please take out another blanket from the drawer?”

The woman smiled and replied, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, why don’t we behave like husband and wife?”

The man was stunned! With sweets bursting in his mind, he happily said, “Wow! What a great idea! Sure!”

The woman immediately said, “Then stop being lazy… go and get your own blanket yourself!”

There was a moment of silence… and then the man let out a loud fart.

Greek Spice Mix Recipe

This business of having a blog since 2009 can get rather involved.  If I need a recipe, I check here, then all on my computer in the recipes folder, then on my external server.

Since I did not find the recipe I needed, it is time to publish this.  I did later find it splattered all over my drives so my annoyance is your reward.

This particular spice mix is flexible.  It originally came from a recipe to make Gyro meat.  One pound each of Lamb and Ground Beef, plus the spices, and you get something pretty close to what I have had in a Greek Restaurant.

However, since I have all sorts of people who find this blather that I call a blog, the recipe has been used in different ways.  

I can vouch for this spice mix being excellent on Air Fryer Chicken Parts.
It is excellent on Roast Pork.
It is excellent on a burger.

Since it works well with "milder meats" it would work well with Tofu also.
That's one for the vegan readers that come here.

The recipe is an old standby for me, I keep this in a jar on the counter.  When I am looking for something different, I sprinkle it on the raw protein, then cook.  

It's also good on veg like white rice.


Ingredients:

1 teaspoon Salt
1 teaspoon Thyme
1 teaspoon Ground Pepper

2 teaspoons Paprika
2 teaspoons Minced Garlic or Garlic Powder

1 Tablespoon Oregano
2 Tablespoons Dried Onion or Onion Powder


Process:
Mix all ingredients into a jar.
Shake to mix.
Use on your food as a rub or mix in as needed.

A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop

This just tells me that you should always know basic first aid, and be careful where you stop on the road.



He had a point.

Mikey and I were going West on I-84 and had just stopped for gas and lunch in Boise when our talk turned to our favorite book series. I, of course, was listing off all the fantasy series I'd enjoyed. LOTR, naturally. Dragonriders of Pern. Broken Earth. Percy Jackson. Discworld. Will Wight's Cradle Series. Terry Brooks' "Magic Kingdom for sale... Sold!"...

"Wait, WHAT?" said Mikey. "Terry Brooks? No man. No. You can't EVEN list that guy with the others. He's a hack!"

"What?" I said, while Mike grabbed another grape from the bag we'd snagged in Boise. "His stuff is fun! The Magic Kingdom series was, at least. And a good friend of mine was really into Shannara back..."

Mike made a retching noise. "SHANNARA? Oh God. That was... just the least creative rip-off of LOTR ever."

"We really enjoyed it."

"Oh you DID, did you? When was this?"

"Back when we were in middle school..."

"See? Middle school. You were hardly discerning readers back then." And then he started making horrific gross disgusting choking noises.

I thought he was just poking more fun at my tastes, but then I realized he really WAS choking on one of those grapes. By the time I figured it out, pulled over the car, and tried to help him get it dislodged, it was too late. :(

And it's haunted me ever since, the time when Mike died on the Oregon Trail of dissin' Terry.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

I have to say this one made me think about perspective.  Then I got up to check on the garden.  The sun got in my eyes and came back into the kitchen.  Because that is where the food is.  Lemon curd and Yogurt make for a part of a rather nice breakfast.

 

 Madness is one Thing, Stupidity is another Subject.

A man got a flat tyre right in front of a Mental Institution. He struggles to park his car on the side of the road.

He opens his car hood, gets a jack, spare wheel, wheel spanner, and unscrews the wheel with flat tire. Unfortunately, all the four nuts roll and fall into the sewer drain. The manhole cover cannot be opened; the nuts disappeared in the drain.

The man looks desperately left and right and sits down discouraged on the sidewalk.

An Inmate of the Institute, who had observed the entire scene from the beginning through the fence of the facility shouted at him: “Hey, you Mister! What are you doing here?”

He replies: “Don't ask questions, my friend. I got a flat tyre, and while changing the wheel, the wheel all four nuts fell into the drain.”

The inmate retorts: “You're making things complicated for yourself! Just take a nut from each of the other wheels, and then you’ll have three per wheel. That'll hold until the next gas pump or tire repairing station!”

The man does as he is told and shouts to the patient: “And what are you doing in this mental Institution?”

Inmate Answers ... "We are here for madness, my friend, not for stupidity!”

A Lizard In The Flowers

 I have one friend in particular Up North.  You know, anyone who I have to drive, say, more than an hour to be with is Up North.

In this case, she's way Up North.  Well above the Freeze Line in Boca Raton.  Up above the Mason Dixon Line.  In New Jersey.

When I tell her that one of my first memories of living in South Florida was when a Cuban Anole ran to hide.  It ran up my pant leg and ended up nestled in my shorts.  I had to kick my shoes off and "Drop Trou" right there to get the little critter out.  Yes, it was fine, my backyard is completely secluded and secure, I did not scare the horses or the neighbor.

No, it didn't bite.  And no, it survived the trip.  I let it loose in the flowers of the Bougainvillea right next to the pool.  

They're all over the place.  I hardly notice them any longer.  

I'm not fanatic about it, but I have been known to avoid stepping on one because they are harmless and have their own lizardly life to live.  For the most part, they are even beneficial to our environment eating insects that try to eat, well, me.

Me, or you, or that Buick.  Some of these insects here look like they can carry off a  Truck.  

 I do tend to plant things that are beneficial to the Monarch Butterflies here.  That creates plenty of cover for the other creatures that share my yard with me.  In fact, we have so many Monarchs here at any given time that it is possible to be a "Disney Princess" or "Disney Prince" just by walking into my yard.  More than once I have been told to stand still as there is a butterfly that has landed on my shoulder.

We were going to a garden center.  I like these places because they give me ideas.  I am constantly propagating plants here from cuttings, and we have needed to put some into the ground for quite a while.  If anything I am being slowed down because my own normal tendency would be to turn the property into a forest.  

I am working on building a Hibiscus Hedge under a window and we need some ground cover.  This is the issue.  In Florida, we have termites.  You either have them in your house now, or will have them.  It's a matter of time.  In fact I have come into the house and spotted one climbing my shirt on more than one occasion.  

You don't want wood based mulch against the house.  If so you are inviting them to dine on your biggest investment.  We went there looking for some stones and some ideas.  The garden already has the plants started and the landscape cloth in place, but mulch in a place where you have watering happen through irrigation is inviting problems.

So Stones.  Against the house.  Another one of those adjustments you make when you get here, you realize the way you were doing things Up North before you migrated here, you former Snowbird, do not work in the Tropics Adjacent Florida Sun.  

You had no idea there were more than one type, you started looking into it and your mind fogged up.  You don't want anything dark, because Dark Brown, Black Polished, and Charcoal would retain heat.  You are already running air conditioning 11 months of the year, and what passes for our "Winter" is about two weeks long.

If you ever want to see someone miserable, find a South Floridian where the high will be in (gasp!) the upper 60s like it was here in February.

We know!  We know who are tourists here because in February you are in Shorts and a T Shirt and don't have enough sense to cover up because damnit 65 is cold!

Snowbirds without a lick of sense... I'll tell you.  And get off my lawn!

When it gets that cold  the Iguanas can fall from the trees.  You haven't lived until you find a cold temperature stunned Iguana wake up in your trash can because that dark blue plastic box warms up fast and the creatures are cold blooded and their muscles don't work below 45.  

Don't put them in the trash can, you will only have to let them back out and that creates other problems.

But them and the snowbirds are best left to their own devices.  The other lizards?  They tend to be harmless as long as they aren't elected to office and head to the state capitol.

Those are the most toxic lizards of all.

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school!

This reminds me of planning out an endurance workout.  You set out a distance you intend to go, then you try to get there.  

Hopefully the rains are not too strong, and they are cooling while you are out.  Else the best made plans can go awry.



 
 The mayor from a small town hires a guy to paint the road to a city 30 miles away.

"We'll divide the road in 3 segments of 10 miles each. You can come get your paycheck after you finish each segment.", says the Mayor.

The guy accepts the offer and starts that same day.

He finishes the first segment after 3 days.

When he goes to the town hall to get his first paycheck, the mayor says "Wow, that was fast, try to keep this pace!", as he hands him the money.

The guy continues with the next segment. This time he spends 3 weeks painting the second segment.

He goes to the town hall again, and the mayor says "Man, you were really fast with the first section, but you really slowed down. Try to paint the last section faster.", while he hands him the second paycheck.

The guy proceeds with the last section. He takes 3 whole months until he's done. When he tells the mayor, he angrily says "Man, you were really fast with the first section. Then you took 3 weeks with the second section. And now 3 months?!?! I hope you have an explanation!!!"

"Well..." Says the guy. "The paint bucket was further away each time".

Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco? He had no body to go with!

 Saturday Morning, Sun isn't yet up.  I need to get going since the conditions are prime and I need to do laps around the giant gas bag in a barn in a park.

This little gem is here simply because I laughed at the punch line.

That and "Golden Retrievers are a Living Hug".  That's from the old movie SOB and if you don't remember it, go find it and watch.  It's a lock if you like celebs acting out of control and making you laugh.


It was a dark, stormy night and a marine was on his first assignment, guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Rack, After a workout I am not really inclined to pay a cheese tax.

I train, hard.

My doctor is amazed at what I do "for entertainment" on the trails.  I suppose that I could "dial it back" and still get enough exercise.

Or not.

I have been training hard since I was a teenager, and I am not about to stop now.

By that I mean I have been cycling a marathon three times a week, steadily, for more than a year.  

I keep records.  On a spreadsheet.  Because, of course I would.  It's my IT training.

The spreadsheet has areas for all sorts of information including Weight, BMI, conditions, Distances in two sports, and so forth.  

Start out slow and add columns when you need them.  After all, Libre Office wants you to use their software and I would prefer do as they say.

It would be "untowards" if I didn't.

But after training, hard, for just more than two hours, and coming home, I want to shower and then lunch.

We have a routine.  I get my odds and ends inside the house, then the bike, then I can take Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) out back.  

Lately he has decided that I am too slow and he lets himself out.  The front door.  And goes next door and waters their flower box for them.  Leg in the air, wave it round like you just don't care.

I am able to unstrap the bike from the Jeep in that time and typically get it inside the house while Rack is "visiting".  The block is quiet in the pre-lunch hour so I don't have to worry.

But today, wet nose was insistent.  This isn't new.

If my feet hit the floor, my 14 year old dog wants outside.  If I am in the kitchen, he follows me in.

Today was a cheese pizza with toasted Shallots on top.  It makes for a fragrant lunch, sweet and savory at the same time.  Trust me on this one, Shallots on top of a Pizza are an interesting treat.

Since I am constantly training, I am on a training diet.  I may have "Cheat Days" here and there, I am too good of a baker not to.  I do know exactly what goes into these personal pizzas so that I am not overdoing calories and so that I hit the Protein count that my Macros demand.  30g per meal.

While I am slicing cheeses to go on top of the prefab crust, AKA a Pita, I am being stared down.  Of course I am, because I am in the kitchen.  

The thing is that with an Old Dog, you really don't want to push a lot of protein into them.  They may love cheese, and this one is a good low moisture Mozzarella, but since it is relatively high in protein, it is difficult for a dog to process with Old Kidneys.

He is on a training diet too, or rather one I developed with the Vet so that he may last a couple more years.  He's got a long list of Old Boy issues, and about 7 different medicines to support all of that.

It used to be that I could say "Not For Dogs" and he'd hear it.  Then he'd slink away and let me finish the task at hand.  Now, he is either deaf or selectively deaf and I don't trust that he will hear that.  

The solution is to shave a thin piece of cheese and let him have just that morsel while I am preparing my own lunch.

It usually does the trick.

Usually.  

I am his job.  He watches for me.  He watches me.  He is my shadow.  He is at my right elbow now, and most of the day when I am home and settled in.

I hear the ring on the oven, and bring the pizza out to the coffee table.  It has a hinge on the top so that it can be raised just enough that Rack can't get his muzzle onto the table.  I am safe because if I walked off, that pizza would vanish.

Good stuff because the sauce is a 1970s reverse engineered Pizza Sauce.  As good as the best pizza parlor would have had anywhere.  None of that canned or jarred garbage for us!

After finishing the lunch, I have to remember to block off the front door.  There is a floor to ceiling (nearly) window in the door.  Hurricane Impact Glass.  It gives me a great view to the street and people coming and going.  

The problem there is that Mr Cheese Hound sees it too.  He's decided that anyone walking or driving down my block deserves commentary.  Loud Commentary.  

I have a fabric gate that I made about 25 years ago that I place in front of the lower half of the window so that Rack can't see out.  If he did any delivery truck would be yelled at, and if the driver dared to come up the driveway, hilarity would ensue.

Since everyone has deliveries these days from multiple web sites and multiple shipping companies, it means that we are greeted with announcements in Dog.

"Rack you don't have to do that.  Go in your corner."

I'm ignored

"Rack Stop."

I'm ignored with a fusillade of barking.

"Rack STOP!"

He is greeted with a flying hedgehog soft plush.  My aim is purposely rubbish.  It never hits him but comes close enough to break his concentration.  It sometimes comes close enough to break some odds and ends on the tables.

I have to stop tossing the Hedgehog.  The last time it bounced off the Hurricane Window and fell behind the TV Coffin.

The TV Coffin is a large dark cabinet that reminds me of my credenza from my office in the working days.  It has an elevator that never works right because power here is so dirty here and full of power pops.  It confuses the electronics.

"RACK STOP!"  Hedgehog flies again.  Rack scrambles out of the room.  Hedgehog gets wedged under the couch.

I give up, 

At least I am able to have the rest of that glass of Iced Tea.

"No Rack, not for dogs".

No more cheese on the plate anyway.  Since the carbo crash hour is happening.  I'm resting after burning 2000 calories going round in big circles around the gas bag in the barn in the park.

But that delivered package?  A big bag of Root Beer Barrels.  

"No, Rack, that's not for dogs.  Here, sniff."

Annoying furry little idiot and I wouldn't have it any other way.

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.

 Sunday Morning.  Sunrise.  Getting ready to go to the park.  Winds are 14 gust 22 mph, so I am looking forward to getting pushed west with little or no effort.

Of course, what goes up must come down, so on that big 4.5 mile loop, it will be a fight to get back to the trailhead.  

Oh well, Onward and Round and Round I go!

Meanwhile, here's a groaner for you.  Well told, but still a groaner!



A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

 I will say that since I have moved from the Northeast, I haven't had a decent crab cake.  It is probably why I aggressively hunt for creative recipes and post them here.  "Eating Well Is It's Own Reward", but I am the kind of person who can churn butter in my own kitchen, then use it to make buttermilk for Biscuits.

Jus' Sayin', but do search for the tag "Recipe" here.  I have some good ones and they're all tested.




The Hubby and Wife

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. 

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish"

A Rooster I Call Colonel Sanders

For a while I was going to Key West, FL.  A great place to walk around, see what is happening.  A Drinking Town with a Fishing Problem I once saw on a T Shirt there. 

It has been turning into a tourist trap to catch a few dollars from the cruise ships that dock there for the afternoon.  That truly does not interest me.

I was amused that, while walking around through Old Town, there were chickens nesting in the shrubbery.  

We did not have such a thing where I had come from, either in Cherry Hill, NJ, or Philadelphia, PA.  It doesn't mean that some had not escaped, I just never saw evidence of them.

Your standard issue chickens.  Laying standard issue hen's eggs.  Doing what Chickens would do I suppose, scratching around in the dirt, crossing the road, looking for food, making way too much noise way too early.

This is why I was so surprised that we had a rooster turn up here in Wilton Manors.  We have ducks.  Way too many of the beasts.  They are supposed to be "Water Fowl" and what they do is "Sidewalk Foul".  I see the evidence of ducks everywhere I go here.

The Rooster on the other side of the coin, well, he's the lead bird.  He had just shown up and decided to keep home on one specific corner.  He does tolerate the ducks here but he chases them around the neighborhood.  

There is one drawback to having roosters in the yard.  They're noisy.  It is why you don't see a lot of roosters.  They don't allow you to sleep.  It isn't that they call at dawn, or only at dawn.  They call for a couple hours before dawn.  

Mind you, I am up about 2 hours before dawn on most mornings, so I hear him, from at least two blocks away.  At 5AM.

I walk out into the backyard with my headphones on.  Turning on the internet radio, tuning into the news program on CBC or BBC, I will hear him calling out from about a quarter mile away.

He's alone.  Maybe that is why he is constantly calling out at predawn 5AM, trying to find a hen to spend some time with.  But he is loud, and his call floats on the breezes.

There is another rooster about a half mile in the other direction from me.  That one calls frequently from the other side of the tracks.  I can hear him if it is quiet and the winds are just right.

Then again, it could just be that he relocated to where this one is.  Or maybe, he Was Relocated by someone.  I don't know.  As long as I don't have to hear him inside the house.

As I walk Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) on his first 2 mile walk of the day.  I see the rooster and he's going to try to avoid us.  You see, I do know why the chicken crosses the road.  It is to avoid my dog.

But as we pass, he relaxes and once out of sight, you hear that call we all know.  Yes, it does sound just like that.  5:30AM wake up call, neighbors.

Good luck with that.  At least the dirty ducks are quiet, and the flocks of feral parrots don't get loud until the sun is up.

Did you know, the Vatican provides a special place of work to the pope's dentist? It's called The Listerine Chapel.

Self Care is all about taking steps to repair the damage that The World does to you.  You define what that is.  In my case, it's Sunday, I'm going to the park to do large lazy circles around a giant gas bag parked in a barn at 14 mph.  That is my church.

If God is Everywhere, Everywhere is Holy.

In your case, take care of yourselves, I am sure you can figure something out.

Meanwhile, I am looking forward to getting my heart rate up above 150 or 160 for a sustained bit.  Can you keep up?  ON YER LEFT!

Since it is Sunday, here is a gem for you!


 

A Priest was being honored with an award at his retirement dinner having served the parish for 30 years, and to mark the occasion, a prominent member of the congregation, a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, was asked to give the presentation and make a short speech afterward.  Everyone was excited to hear the Justice’s remarks, however he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to fill in and make a few remarks of his own while they were waiting:

“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession that I heard here, and I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The first person who entered my confessional told me that he had burglarized his next-door neighbor’s house, stole 3 TVs, and lied about it to the police when questioned.  He got away with it. 

He stole money from his parents and his employer.  He had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 14-year-old daughter, and gave an STD to his sister-in-law.  He was arrested for indecent exposure and has taken illegal drugs.

I was appalled that any one person could commit so many terrible acts, but as time went on, I saw that my flock here were not all like that, and that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest was finishing his remarks, the Justice arrived, to a standing ovation, as he motioned for the room to quiet down.  He made profuse apologies for his late arrival and immediately began his presentation: 

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Justice.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

It is time for a two-fer before I disappear into the kitchen.  We're running low-ish on sandwich rolls and I'm really feeling like I need to make a fine Brioche so I can make some proper Barbecue Pork at dinner.  Between that and making more Dog Food, I'll have a busy day.

Oh and I simply didn't "get" the second one until I read it a couple times.  The spelling was atrocious even for US English, but it did make sense then.  This coming from a "Yank" who learned English from BBC World Service on Shortwave in my childhood home in New Jersey and was winning spelling bees all through elementary school.  

Meh, takes all kinds I guess, but education always shines through.



 

A rabbit goes into the job center and says have you got a job for a rabbit?

The manager says we haven't got any jobs for rabbits, and I don't think we'll ever have a job for a rabbit.

The rabbit says do you mind if I come in now and again to see if you've got jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says no problem come in whenever.

Well every morning at 10 o'clock the rabbit comes in and says have you got any jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says there's no jobs for rabbits, and there never will be.

A few days later an American comes into the job center wearing a Stetson looking very important. He says 'you got any rabbits looking for work?' 
The manager is amazed. He says there's a rabbit who comes through that door at 10am everyday who's looking for work. I'm sure he'll be interested.

Anyway next day at 10am the rabbit comes in. The manager says to him you won't believe this. It's finally happened. There's a man here looking for rabbits to employ. I didn't think this would ever happen but it has happened.

The rabbit says what's the job? The American says we're filming Watership Down on Palm Beach, and we're looking for rabbits, just like yourself, to play the parts.

The rabbit says "Acting? Piss off, I'm an electrician."





  The Wrong Profession

A Banker, an Architect, and a Tailor all make it onto a TV game show. The 3 contestants all need to cross a narrow beam that is raised high up into the air. Whoever of the 3 crosses the beam first, wins 1 million dollars. Slip or loose your balance, and you fall nearly 40ft into the water below.

The banker eyes things up then shrugs and says "ya know, honestly I already am a multimillionaire. I know a big risk when I see one so I'm out. I won't be attempting it."

It now moves onto the Architect who starts using their knowledge to think smart. They grab a spare piece of scaffolding, and ties 2 bricks on each end. Holding the pole as low as they can, the Architect was able to make their center of gravity below the balance beam, giving a significant advantage. They slowly and carefully start advancing towards the million dollar price fully aware at what is at stake.

The Tailor sees what the Architect is up to but hesitates and freezes desperately searching for a solution of what to do. As time slips away he sees the Architect moving closer and closer to the prize, realizing he likely cannot make it in time even with a perfect strategy. The Tailor sighs and lowers their head finally admitting, "I'm use to things hanging by a thread, but I just really don't think I'm cut out for this."

April Fools Day - Or Amateur Day. You Decide.

I mean really.

This is a day where everyone thinks up little jokes to play on friends.  They usually fall flat and someone gets their feelings hurt.

I usually do a lot of jokes myself.  In fact I drop a lot of what can be called "Dad Jokes" on the weekend.  All could be told in a high school class, most in an elementary school with some explanation I am sure. 

Hey! what can I say.   I do have a little story though.

I used to work with someone, Sam.  It was the nick he went by so I guess no real names were used.  Nice enough guy but he was an intense one.

Sam had a rapport with the five Ukrainian programmers we had on staff.  The ladies were all excellent and some were struggling with English.  

One, Inna, came to me completely frustrated with her English.  Flailing her hands around I waited for her to calm down.  Grasping those now still hands, I merely told her "Inna, No matter what, I will help you".  

She said that Sam was learning Russian Language obscenities and swearing all over the office.  She was deeply uncomfortable with it.  When I asked what he was saying, she blushed and insisted that she could not say it because it was so bad.

I said "Inna, I have an idea".  

"Teach me a word.  Something sounding rude in English but it should be very common or 'nice' for all audiences."  

I then explained that I will use this word at him, publicly and really get him all worked up, but she had to explain to the other ladies what is happening and since the one who is teaching him the rude words is out of the office for two weeks, we were going to play a prank on him.

I think I made a friend and an ally then with the plan.

For the next two weeks I was calling old Sammy a "Tsviatok".  That is what I remember the transliteration to be.  It means "Flower", and if spat out by an American, it sounded really rude.

The whole office did not know what was going on and any time Sammy started up, I would sound off "What is that little Tsviatok getting into now?!".

Everyone was aware that something was up.  

When asked, I would simply say "I like you too much to tell you, let's just keep it a secret."  That usually did enough to quiet the flames.

Eventually "Management" got involved.  I was called into a Closed Door Meeting.  I have caused Closed Door Meetings many times myself, I had a privileged place in the organization and was treated as Someone Who Will Be Promoted As Soon As We Can.

My direct managers asked me point blank and said this is becoming a problem.

When I told them the story and that it meant "Flower" the laugh was loud enough to be heard outside the closed doors.

The next day, I was in front of both managers, their boss, and Sammy.  Sammy said I know what that means!

I said "Sammy stop swearing, especially in front of the bosses!".

"It isn't a swear, it means Flower!" said Sammy.

I simply repeated what I said to the bosses in that closed door meeting.  I liked Sammy but I could see that he was really embarrassed at what happened and that most of the office was in on the joke by that point.  

It turned out that the person who he was most friendly in the five Ukrainian ladies, Slava, had clued him in that morning what was going on.  

So the trap got sprung and everyone knew what was up.

Remember though, keep it light.  Someone may be uncomfortable with your little prank.

I know Sammy was.

Someone threw a huge bottle of omega-3 pills at me but I only suffered super fish oil injuries

 Ducking the rain here today and dodging Red Blob Tinged Leopard Spots on the Radar.  South Florida is a Monsoon Climate.  It is dry for months then Wet Season hits and you can get washed.  It will help clear the duck waste from the side walks at least.

This is perfect for a Sunday, isn't it? 



Old Joke but classic

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "750" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start with that again."

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price?

 Ya know... I can't say I ever really gotten into Wine.  Port is an exception.  I use Port Wine for "reasons" but also to use it in the slow cooking of a fine roast is frankly, amazing.



I will keep an eye out for this kind of thing.  I'm off to do some large lazy circles around the giant gas bag that sits in a barn next to a golf course.  I'll let you know if I see anything Untowards....




A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. 

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. 

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Soap Making. A Smaller Batch And Reformulated Recipe To Battle Dreaded Orange Spots

Recipe "after the jump".

I originally intended just to give the recipe so I have it available for later.  It turned into a narrative.  This is not an exhaustive set of instructions.  Standard Internet Warranty Applies - This is at your own risk, Ramblingmoose.com is not responsible if you rush through and miss a step or burn something with Lye.  I used this process a number of times and I have made my own soap for years.  It works for me!

After all, I sometimes run with scissors!



I have a cut down cereal box that works beautifully as a Soap Mold.  It will easily hold 50 ounces of soap with my old "Standard Recipe".  But dollar store brownie molds or old plastic yogurt containers work as well.  Plastic and Silicone for molds are what I recommend.

The problem was "Dreaded Orange Spots".  It happens when a host of issues effects your soap.  Old ingredients, Environmental problems, humidity attacking the soap.

I had made enough soap that friends had enough on hand and told me that they didn't need any.  I enjoy making the recipe, it reminds me of when I was in high school and got a 99.6% of theoretical return on my Chemistry lab experiments.

The teacher couldn't do it that well and just let me act like a teacher's aid in those classes.  Yes, I was a nerd, still am.  A Jock and a Nerd?  Go figure!

Anyway, this recipe has a few features.

1). It makes 10 bars of soap.  Regular sized soap in a mold.  See picture.  This way they will get shared, but not overwhelm my friends and family.

2). It is a little less Olive Oil, a little more Coconut Oil.  That will make it harden much faster and as such it won't sit on my dining room table for months absorbing everything in my house.  I was able to unmold and use that soap the next day.

3).  It was a fast warm process soap.  The batch went from liquid to "vanilla pudding" in under 4 minutes with the stick blender.  Saved my sanity.

4).  I think it is a little more astringent.  All soap I make has Shea Butter for moisturizing.  This is my preference.  Since my skin is dry, I wanted to tailor it to clean but not dry out my skin.  I do a lot of DIY on the car and my sports equiment.  Skate Bearings and Bicycle Chains get grease all over the place and I am constantly washing up.  This helps.

"Dreaded Orange Spots" or "DOS" happens in older soap.  I don't use preservatives so here in South Florida, it can be a problem.  The last two bars from my last personal batch were getting soft again from the humidity.  It was a couple wet weeks and I got the beginning of DOS.


So I made more.  With Cedar Oil.  I made the batch for myself, and I wanted Cedar.  My choice.


The disclaimer - Use at your own risk.  Lye can cause burns.  I know, it has burned my fingers before.  Use Proper Protection.  I use a stove hood that vents outdoors, rubber gloves, and I dispose of anything that comes in contact with full strength lye.  Plastic for caustic substances, stainless for the oils and soap, silicone or paper for molding the soap.  I use a large "waste" glass jar to mix ice water and Lye.  Making Soap makes dangerous chemicals and can make caustic gases.

But the recipe is nice.  I used my first bar this morning in the shower, and have since I made the stuff.  I rather like this recipe and will make more from it.  

Turns out the leading cause of dry skin is a towel.

 Spring has sprung for most of us.  Sunrise here in So Flo, will be in a half hour, 60F 15C and bright and sunny.  Going to 80F 26C and light winds.  

It's a day to get out and do large lazy circles around a big gas bag in a giant barn at the park.

I'm just embarrassed that I had to use software to convert degrees F to C because normally I "just do metric in my head".  

BLAH!!!!




I got a call from a scammer yesterday.

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”

Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”

Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay. Same as before.”

Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”

Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”

Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “I usually press the big button.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

Scammer: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”

Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”

Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Please don’t confuse my medical degree with your Google search.

 When I saw that topic, I thought, it is a perfect metaphor for modern life.  Think for yourself, educate yourself.  Learning did not stop when you left school.

It stopped when you watched Fox News.






Supernatural Tigress Learns English

A wise man took years and years to teach a supernatural Bengal tigress to speak English, just for fun. 

He sat her down in front of a TV and made her watch old shows until she got the language. A while later, she developed a strange habit: she would rip people’s muscles off their body and then magically reassemble the person good as new. 

Seems painful, but victims were fine with this because they were usually in better health afterwards.

The teacher ask why she thought it necessary to perform this harrowing task on so many people. She thought for a while, trying to figure out the right words, and finally said she saw a commercial about “The paws that refleshes”.







 Her ex, Tiger Woods joke.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Linux Mint is what I would recommend to someone who wants to Learn Linux.

I got into a conversation before dawn.  I do this frequently since I am up at stupid o'clock most mornings.  Rainy morning, wash out for my workout, so I was considering my options.

My friend was telling me about someone she knew who was thrashing around with some technology.  I have seen this happen before, but this time he was rattling my cage with something I had done myself.

The process of learning Linux.

The normal response is "Just install it and use it" but that is way too oversimplified.

I don't use windows.  I have a Mac and don't use it either.  I would welcome a Mac but I would install Linux on it and be frustrated because the keys are "non standard" and the mouse or trackpad only has one button.  

Meh, I'd adapt.  Got one gathering dust?  I can haz Mac?  Oooh! Gimme! K Thx Bai!

:)

While I love new hardware and pretty machines, my newest computer is 5 years old and counting and I don't "need" one.  But, thanks for asking!

He got deep into Raspberry Pi and is frustrated by the limitations of the platform.  Size/Performance/Add-On Prices.  And so forth.

I suggested what I suggest all the time.  At this point in history you probably have an "Old Computer" gathering dust in the closet.  Many people don't know what to do with it because it has "old data" on it and don't know how to destroy that data.

Use Your Old Computer.

That old computer, unless it is truly old, should be enough to learn on.  Let's say 10 years old or newer.  i3/i5/i7 with 4GB memory and at least 50GB of disk space.  Pretty modest specifications right?  

Windows has a lot of "phone home" issues that take up some of that processor.  There are also a lot of machines that are at "end of life" according to Microsoft.  You can't install Windows 11 on it because of "reasons".  Nobody wants ads anywhere, let alone in a start menu that you are forced to use because some dolt decided "It's Betterer!".

Basically "reasons" are something called TPM that is a low level piece of firmware in the computer.  I won't go into details, it just flags the computer of not being worthy of upgrade because it doesn't have the latest version.

So with that old computer why not try Linux on that?

There is another way to do this.

Use A Live Version Of Linux.

I'm easing into the bits and bytes of how to go about this because I'm being conversational, why not, it's my blog and I have the space to do so.

But.

A Live Version of Linux is something you probably don't have a lot of experience with if you are a Windows or Mac user.

It basically is a clean and complete version of the operating system that will run on your computer without using the disc drive.  A Live Version will allow you to "look around" your computer.  If you can't use this computer with this Live Version, you will find out quickly.  

Some live distributions even have something called persistence that will allow you to take your computer with you on a USB Stick and create data permanently.  Tails is one that is specifically designed for this purpose but I do not recommend this for a learner.  Tails is also for the more paranoid of us out there or who are traveling in places where they may lose their computer hardware.

Most of the software you will need to do your daily tasks will be available.  Most of the drivers for your older hardware will be available.  If you find something missing, it is on you to find a version that works.

However, the one I would recommend is a Distribution of Linux Mint.  

Let me unpack that a little.  Linux comes as a free download from a group who supports and puts the operating system together so that you can use it, freely.  That would be a basic and hopefully not vague description of a "Linux Distribution".  We typically call that a "Distro" but that's jargon, even if I do use that word myself.

Linux Mint is a specific Distribution.  It's well supported.  If it works with your computer, it will be a well prepared software suite.  It should talk to your hardware, give you a browser, have an office suite, and look familiar enough for you to at least get your toes wet.

Importantly that this is geared for ease of use.  It is designed to be familiar enough to anyone who uses a computer at all to be able to stumble around and do real work on it with very minimal help.  It also has a huge library of software that you can explore.

Remember, Linux is Free and Open Source, so you can do what you like with it, generally.  Office Productivity, Gaming, Internet, surfing, all the "normal stuff".

Another thing to consider is that there are different looks that you can have with Linux.  If you are coming from Mac or Windows, there is one look.  Mac looks very similar to the way it has for years and has evolved but kept that look.  Windows is more variable from version to version.  

Linux has many looks from the old command line, to some that look like Mac, others like Windows.  It all depends on how much "shine" and "Eye Candy" you want in your computing experience.

Since this discussion is about basics and getting a look into this thing on old computers, I suggest what I use.  It's called XFCE.  Everything is "there", and it is one of the quicker software suites.  Everything you need to do what you really need to get done and I haven't found much missing.

There is also KDE but since Linux Mint does not have a Distro bundled with it directly, that discussion is for a different time.

XFCE looks familiar and is designed to be fast and "light".  It also is a bit dated in the default look but can be dressed up greatly.  I have seen it modified to look like Windows 7 and otherwise to look like a Mac.  I use it lightly modified and have for about 20 years as such.  It looks "Comfortable to me".

The general process is for you to grab a large downloaded file called an ISO and place it on a suitable USB stick with specific software, then start your computer (or Boot it) from that.  

In order to boot my computer from a USB stick, I have to hit "F12" when I turn the computer on, but there are other keys to hit at power up such as enter or "F1".  

While that is a list of the general process, you need a few things.

A USB Stick that is clear of data and of a reasonable size of 8GB or more.

The file that you downloaded.  That is something that ends with a .ISO extension and will be fairly large.  This page is for the current download list of sites that have the current version of Linux Mint XFCE.  You will need to choose the location of one that is appropriate for where you live.

The link here will start the download directly.  The file was called linuxmint-22.3-xfce-64bit.iso and was 2.8 GB.

Finally a piece of software to get all that data onto that USB Stick correctly.  The software will write out to the USB Stick in a way to create it as a "Bootable Drive".  In other words, it will make it so that you can run that USB Stick as your computer's operating system and not disturb what sits on the hard drive currently.

I tested the process on a machine that I would prefer it not destroy the data, and it did not harm my installed software - it was live.

But you do have to get software.

Linux Mint suggests a program called "Etcher" but there are others such as "unetbootin".  Both are free, and will run on Windows/Mac/Linux.  Pick one. 

Etcher will burn or copy any ISO to either a USB Stick or a DVD/CD.  I haven't used a DVD or a CD in years, so stick with the USB Stick.

unetbootin is a little more specific.  If you have an ISO it will burn or copy the file out to your USB Stick.  If you don't have the ISO, it will fetch one from a list for you and burn it to the USB Stick.  

Slightly different, both work on Windows/Mac/Linux.

Once it is on your stick, boot from that stick and wait for your operating system to show up.  Mine took a little bit longer than expected because my laptop battery was dead.  I think the battery needs to be replaced.  

Linux Mint has some documentation on how to do the entire process, and while it is complete, it is implying that you are going to install on the actual hard drive.  In my case I'm not going quite that far.

At this point, you have burned your USB Stick, and booted from it.  You should see the Linux Mint Desktop with the green LM Logo in the middle.  You are now in a Live Linux session.  Poke around and familiarize yourself with what you have been presented with.  

At the lower left is your start menu of applications to explore.  The only icon on the desktop at this point was an icon to "Install To Computer".  If you are happy with the way everything works, go for it.  The steps to install are not too complex.  This will erase your hard drive and place a fresh copy of Linux Mint on your hardware.

It does look like Windows 7 doesn't it?  I rather like what they did with the default look of XFCE which can be a bit too much like Windows XP sometimes.

During the time that I install any copy of Linux I do a few things.

I create a swap partition equal to the size of my memory.  This will allow me to hibernate the computer.  There may or may not be extra steps to enable this, different distributions will enable hibernate, others do not.

I always encrypt the hard drive.  Always.  Using a complex password.  If someone breaks in and steals your computer, they will not steal your data.  Up yours, thief!

I set the computer up to log in as myself directly once the encryption password has been given.  In an environment where more than one person are using the computer, this is not for the best.  Linux assumes more than one will be able to use the computer if you set it up later for it.  This all is a part of the installation process but can be added later.

At any case, Linux Mint will allow you to get exposed to Linux as a rule.  It is based on Ubuntu or Debian depending on the version.  As such there is a huge amount of help available on the subject.  

Debian is known to be one of the most stable versions of Linux available.  It is what I use, but for someone getting exposed to Linux, it is a bit advanced.

Ubuntu is not my first choice because it is subject to Corporate Realities.  They come along with some things like Snap, which adds complexities to the operating system and slow it down.  

Whichever Linux you have, it is compatible with your goals and has a lot of opportunities for learning.

Now, if someone would make an affordable Linux Phone and show me how to get my sports stats off of my sport watch, I would be very interested.  The integration is the problem there, and I am way too active not to have them.