Making soup is an art. If you can make great soup, you’re one in a boullion.

A perfectly demented story for a Sunday Morning.  So fix your coffee or other morning treat and settle in!

 A man arrives at the office in the morning where several of his co-workers are already chatting next to the coffee machine. He listens to them for a bit, then suddenly asks: "How big are penguins?"

The co-workers stare at him for a second, then one of them says: "I don't know, about 50 or 60cm?"

"Huh", the man says, "I thought they were bigger. Aren't there some really big penguins, too?"

They hear a "harrumph" in the back, when another co-worker stands up, walks up to them and says: "Of course there are! Asking how big penguins are in general is absolutely ridiculous! That's like asking how big dogs are. There are about 20 different kinds of penguins and they vary in size massively!"

"Oh, cool!" says the man, "So what about big penguins?"

The co-worker answers: "The King Penguin is very common and well known. A majestic animal. I watched many documentaries about them and their social behavoiur is fascinating! They are about 90cm tall and weigh up to 15kg, but some individual males are known for being a bit over 1 meter tall and weighing as much as 20kg!"

"Oh, wow, that's big!" the man says. The co-workers at the coffee-machine nod. "But, what's, like, the biggest penguin there is, over all?"

The penguin-expert-co-worker thinks for a bit, then says: "It must be the emperor penguin. They are huge. It's not uncommon for males to be as tall as 130cm!"

The co-workers at the coffee machine gasp.

"130cm!? That's insane!" the man says. "But they don't go any bigger than that? That's the absolute limit?"

"Well", the co-worker answers, "I think I heard of an individual being almost 140cm tall. But that's the absolute limit, yes."

"Huh", the man says, "Well, then I guess I did run over a nun on my way here"

I have a geography joke, but I don't know where it is.

Fog on the windows in Florida means the Air Conditioning is cooling the windows down.  High humidity is normal here, so it wasn't a great idea testing a rebuild or tune up of the bicycle in this slop!





 A highway patrol officer is sitting in his car, parked behind the weigh-station. A semi-truck slows down, pulls over, and stops just before the scales. The trucker gets out, and starts banging on the side of the trailer...

He goes up and down both sides of the trailer, just pounding on it all over and making a big racket. As he's making his way back to the cab, the officers suspicion is just too high to ignore it, so he gets out to confront the guy and get to the bottom of the weird behavior.

"Sir is there anything in your trailer I should know about?"

"No, officer! Everything's fine here. All good. Just weighing the load at this checkpoint before the bridge."

"Would you like to explain why you felt the need to get out and bang on the sides of your trailer?"

"Well uh, you see officer, I'm... I'm hauling 44 tons of exotic birds."

"Exotic birds, huh? Are these legal to transport?"

"Oh yeah, they're legal-eagle, man. Papers and everything."

"Well that doesn't explain why you were banging on the trailer. That looks suspicious to me. Would you like to explain before we open it up and have a look?"

After a long pause the trucker replies, "You see officer, that bridge is only rated for 32 tons of load. If I don't have em all up in the air and flying around when I weigh out, well..."

Keep the Jeep, or start with a Blank Slate? Pondering an EV

I have driven Jeep Wranglers for more than 30 years.  I had a CJ7 for 4 years when AMC was still a going thing.  I liked it enough to get the current inhabitant of my car port and the darn thing puts a smile on my face every time I start it up.  

While that means I am not exactly a Teenager, and not in the Prime Demographic, it raises a question.  What to go to after a Jeep.

My own Jeep is in prime condition.  I moved to South Florida 3 years (or so) after I got it, and it's been gently used all its life.  Someone was talking to me about it and I described it as a Cherry.  The last gasp of AMC.  This is the one you want.  Inline Six 4.0 liter engine strapped to a 5 speed manual transmission.

Yeah, I stubbornly row my own in South Florida bumper to bumper traffic.  Even if we do traffic here at high speeds.

It's a thirsty beast, about 16 mpg and the best I ever did was 23 on the highway.  Air conditioning is usually turned on with the motor, save the two weeks we have what we call winter.

But this one is 24 years old, and while the car literally purrs on the road, it always helps to look for what is called an "Exit Strategy".

I have always been something of a Motorhead.  I haven't dropped a new motor in a car, but I have replaced Oxygen Sensors, Fuel Injectors, and Fuel Rails.  Oil Changes are on the clock at every 3000 miles.  With 58,100 or so miles on the clock, I have the oil sitting in my bedroom waiting.

Like I said, Cherry.  

Jeeps have issues with frame rot, and mine does not seem to have that.  It does seem solid, still.  I do have that pesky check engine light that the code is telling me I need to have the "Evap System" looked at.  In newer cars, the light comes up saying "Gas Cap".  It's an annoyance more than a problem and since I have the reader I can check it whenever I get in the thing and start the motor.

Since we're looking at this I have to say that someone has put together something that catches my eye.  I like basic.  Not stripped but "right sized".  I see no reason for heated seats or steering wheels.  I see no reason for electronics that require a subscription to activate.

If it isn't there, it can't break.  Even Electric Windows and Seats I don't see the point for.  After all, I have a Jeep, the windows are plastic sheeting held up with zippers and velcro.

Reading forums for the Slate Truck, I'm constantly seeing people who best can be described as having a case of affluenza whining about not having electric door locks and, GASP!, crank windows.  I laugh at them and say to myself the windows are glass, and the doors lock when you want them, so what else do you need?

After all there are people who pay the amount of money that would be needed to buy a house on a declining balance item like a Bentley.  Then they consider it a good use of money.

I consider that at best foolhardy.  

There are only a few things that I find wrong with the whole idea of a Slate truck.  They call it a Blank Slate after all, you are expected to personalize it to your liking.  Seems like the ethos of the Jeep Wrangler brought to the Electric Vehicle age to me.  

In fact, the Blank Slate is a pickup truck that was designed with me, personally, in mind.

It isn't perfect.  There are three things I see wrong, and nothing is insurmountable.  

First, Radio.  More accurately speakers.  My old CJ7 built in the last dying gasps of AMC as an independent manufacturer had a pair of holes into which you, the owner, could mount your own speakers.  The hole was there to mount a radio.  All you needed to do was wire it.  Slate wants you to buy a $250 center speaker, and a $150 fascia plate to mount the speakers.  Once that is done, then you can put your radio that you had left over from that last car.  I think I have four in the house, but this all seems truly excessive.  I'll put something together, I'm sure.  I have a dremel, hand tools, and friends with a 3D Printer if I really need to go there. 

Second, Paint.  Or more accurately vinyl wrap.  In my climate I have to decide if I want to go through re-wrapping the thing every 3 years.  Florida Sun is fun on vacation, but it will oxidize your paint.

Third, Range Anxiety.  Slate is right, 99% of the time I won't need more than the stated 205 miles.  I drive 8 miles to the park, three times a week, and 8 miles home.  I walk when I can, and when I get to the park, I am an elite inline skater or an intermediate endurance cyclist.  I can fit my skates or mountain bike in the back which is why I am considering the Blank Slate.  Markets here are within 3 miles, and the beach is under 3 miles from my front door.  The range is currently 205 miles. The Jeep does that, maybe a little more.  My Jeep is in pristine condition and tuned well, but I don't go past 200 very often.  But gas stations are everywhere.

My plans for whatever I land in will be travel.  I'm not sure that the 205 stated mile range is quite enough.  I am also not sure that this is insurmountable.  I am not quite ready and that gives the infrastructure time to grow into my own needs.  I may be able to live with it, but the idea of having to use super computer powers on my unlimited data plan to find a top up charge to go from Fort Lauderdale to Orlando is an annoyance.  I really want 300 miles.  

Range Anxiety normally is irrelevant, but on a trip it is a big deal.  After all, I want to go cross country and I'm not sure that the infrastructure is there.  On the other hand, the Rivian people literally went from Tierra Del Fuego in the very bottom of South America to Los Angeles a couple years back.  Sure, everything was planned out well so I guess with the chargers that are coming online every day, I should be able to do it.

But still.  Is the rightsized pickup the right one for me?  Don't know.  I spend my evenings interleaving EV Technology videos with old sitcoms and errands.  I am still learning about The New Normal EV, and I guess, that is a good thing.  It keeps me honest.

Stay tuned I guess. It is a decision worth taking my time with.

I lost my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

When I go past the giant gas bag with the big cylinders on the truck outside, I wonder if I climb to the roof, would my voice be funny?



If it walks like a duck...




  The Bishop pays an unexpected visit to one of his young priests.


Over dinner, Father Stephen notices that the Bishop seems to be looking a little suspiciously at Miss Fotheringhay, the priest's lovely young housekeeper. So in a quiet aside, he says "Your Grace -- in case you were wondering, I am happy to assure you that Miss Fotheringhay is my housekeeper and nothing more, and our relationship is purely professional."

The Bishop says nothing, and after dinner, he is on his way. But a couple of weeks later, Miss Fotheringhay approaches Father Stephen and says, "you know, ever since the Bishop came to dinner, I haven't been able to find the silver gravy ladle. Is it possible that he took it with him by mistake?"

So Father Stephen writes a letter: "Your Grace -- I am not saying that you did take our silver gravy ladle, and I am not saying that you did not take our silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that we have not seen it since your visit."

And a few days later the Bishop replies: "Father Stephen -- I am not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if Miss Fotheringhay had been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver gravy ladle by now."

I have a cricket statistics joke. It's average.

 For the US readers - Cricket is a sport.  Supposedly.  I don't understand it either, and I have tried.  Even after having it taking up time on the BBC World Service.


A woman goes into a sports store

A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A check-out clerk is standing there wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50.

Homemade Pizza Crust Recipe - And A Cheese Pizza That Came From it

What we have here is one cheese pizza. 

But this is more about recording the Pizza Crust Recipe.  Basically the book that I discovered languishing in a rather large box of recipe books has some more gold to mine.

This recipe will make one crust worth of dough.

If you want an authentic 1970's flavor for your pizza, you want this sauce.  It is what I remember from "Back In The Day" for what a Pizza Sauce should taste like.

Accept no substitutes.

The recipe was officially a recipe for a Calzone.  Since a Calzone is a pizza crust folded over and baked with the goodies inside, I decided to make this into a pizza.

Good call.  It came out thick and savory. 

The recipe was a vigorous rise and if I had rolled it out completely, it would have filled the entire cookie sheet.  I was going for a quick lunch, so I did not get this as thin as I could have.

Great flavor in the crust, more like a Sicilian Pizza than a Cracker Crust.

I baked this pizza at 400F until "done" which was about 14 minutes.  Next time, I will make it at a lower temperature for longer to try to get a crispy bottom.  

Calories are about 1100 for the entire crust but you won't eat all of that in one sitting will you?

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup water  (4 oz)
• 1/2 Tablespoon Olive Oil 
• 1 1/4 cups All Purpose Flour (10 oz)
• 1/2 teaspoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/8 teaspoon Dry Yeast (I measured a tsp, then guessed at 1/8)

Process:

• I used a bread machine to create the dough on the dough cycle.
• This can be made in a mixer with a dough hook.
• Add all ingredients in order presented.
• Use the dough cycle on the bread machine or use the stand mixer with a dough hook to get the proper consistency.
• Allow the dough to rise to double size, or wait for the bread machine to beep.
• Roll dough out on cookie sheet and proof for one hour in a "warm place".
• Add Sauce and Cheese and "normal" toppings.
• No Pineapple, please, that would be icky!
• Bake pizza at 375F for about 14 minutes, or "Until Done".

My dog ate a roll of quarters, the vet says there's no change yet.

 I find the most interesting things when I take the dog out for a walk.  Change can happen.

It is August 2.  This is the statistically hottest two weeks of the year.  Hydrate.  It's going to get cooler after this.  

If you live in Upside Down part of the world... your turn is next.





A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...

The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"

The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"

The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.

The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"

The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

I have a printer joke, but it lacks magenta.

 I use Linux, exclusively.  I have done things that completely amaze myself with the operating system but there is one thing that I just can't seem to get to work.

Printing.

But luckily I can just print to PDF natively and Meh.  "Hey?  Can you print this for me?" works just as well!



First Paycheck

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the blasted drywall."

Quick Sourdough Bread Recipe - Fixing the Bread Machine's Recipe

I promise I'll keep my text brief.  

The resulting bread had a crispy crust, a soft crumb, and a tart flavor.

When I was making this recipe, it came up much too dry.  So I started adding back in water.  Usually for a 1 1/2 pound loaf, you don't need to add in as much water as I did, but at the end I added in 2 extra ounces of water.

It could be measuring error.  Too much flour could cause a dry and ragged dough. I don't think so.

So the "fixed" recipe is what I have below, and that is the picture we have of the rolls.  I also used Greek Yogurt which may well explain why it was a dry dough.

Ingredients:  

• 1/2 cup plain nonfat yogurt - I used Greek yogurt, therefore water is adjusted
• 2/3 cup warm water - plus 2 extra ounces or 4 Tablespoons
• 1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
• 1 Tablespoon Margarine or Butter, softened
• 3 1/4 cup All Purpose Flour
• 1 Tablespoon Sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoon Salt
• 1 3/4 teaspoon yeast

Process:

• Add the ingredients in order to the mixing bowl with the dough hook.
• Alternately add this to the Bread Machine Bucket.
• Either use the Bread Machine's Bake cycle.
• Or the Bread Machine's Dough cycle - My Preferred method.
• Allow the dough 1 hour to proof and rise in a warm space.
• Bake at 400 for up to 22 minutes.
• The Original Recipe is below however I recommend using above text recipe because it was wonderful and raised properly.

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples? A guy-neck-ologist.

I have to wonder if this business of carrying a smart phone makes any sense.  Other than talking to Doctors, I rarely get a voice call any more.  Oh wait, how else will I get spam calls from politicians or texts from people wanting to sell me crap.

Then again, how else would I listen to Classic Disco on the workouts for tempo?  

Ok, lets try this again, I'll get my Golden Telephone and go to the park.




 The Golden Telephone

A man was touring all the great cathedrals of Europe. He starts in Notre-Dame, and he is confused to see a golden telephone on a marble pillar. He asks the bishop what is for.

"Oui, monsieur. Zat ees a direct line to 'eaven. Pour one thousand Euros, you may speak weeth Dieu."

The man rolls his eyes and moves on.

Later on in Cologne, he sees the same thing. The Bishop gives him the same answer:

"Ja, mein Herr. Zis iss a direct line to Himmel. Fur ein tousand Euros, you may sprechen mit Gott."

Later on in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, he's shocked and disappointed to see the same thing. The Cardinal tells him, "Si, signore. Dat isa directa linea to Paradiso. For one thousand Euro, you cana talka to God."

Utterly disgusted by the profiteering, he finishes his tour at a tiny chapel in Scotland.

To his shock, he sees another golden telephone on a marble pillar. "Lemme guess, a thousand pounds to talk to god?"

"Nae, lad. 20 pence."

"What? Everywhere else in Europe it was a thousand euros?"

"Aye, but ye're in Scotland, noow, lad. It's a local call."

I have an archaeology joke, but I'll need to dig it out.

 Actually, it's landscaping.  If the heat isn't too bad, I have what we call here an "Evil Weed Eater".  It came in with three kind of blades.  Plastic rigid blade, Metal rigid blade. The Buzz Saw blade.

That Buzz Saw blade reminds me of something you would see in a saw mill in an action-horror movie where your hero is being threatened with demise on a plank heading to a giant rotating blade that is making an evil whirring sound.

In my case, it's just the Iguana Resistant Hibiscus and the Podocarpus that is going to be trimmed.  In 90 Degree (32C) heat and 85% humidity.

I'm trained for it, but dang it is hot.

Remember to hydrate, Fellow Babies, the next four weeks are Peak Summer in the Northern Hemisphere!





A man did not like his wife’s cat.

One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.

When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.

Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

“Is the cat there?” He asked.

“Yes…” she replied.

“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”



I'm not exactly fond of the subject matter of that, Cats should remain indoors at all times unless on a leash or a carrier lest they run into "that guy".

Keep your loved ones safe, two legs or four.

Weather in this part of Florida is ... Weird. This Wet Bulb thing is burning my fingers.

I spend a lot of time in a parking lot.  Oh, not just any parking lot, but one with a lot to watch.  

Giant Gas Bags.
Golfers pretending they're in a competition.
Dog Walkers.
Clueless Karens.

Shall I go on?  I am entertained by the list, myself.

Pompano Beach Air Park.  It's a one mile square, so there is a bit more than a square mile of land there.  Big, and that's what you need to know about it.  Metric?  Big In Square Meters.  That's close enough.

It was a World War 2 Military Air Port.  I believe it was a municipal airport before then, and after the War it was returned to the city.  They didn't want an International Airport there interrupting fishing, so they lopped off some runway length and are quite happy with what they have.

Who am I to complain, they were wise enough to put in a multi use trail around it over the years, and it is one of the main reasons why I settled in South Florida.

No, really, being near to a ribbon of asphalt is important to my happiness.  I have spent many hours going around in large circles there in my two sports.

But being in a sport that takes me more than 2 hours to get finished, and sometimes more than 3 hours, means I have to watch which direction the winds are coming from at KPMP.  

Standing in that parking lot, staring at the gas bag starting to come out of the hangar lets me know if the winds are going to be punishing.  There is a big windsock on top of the building and it can give you a rough idea of wind speed and direction.  

That changes in the morning.  Since it is Summer and this is "Tropics Adjacent".  You see, Downtown Fort Lauderdale is only a few miles away so that sets up a heat island and usually around 10 AM, the winds begin to shift.  The ocean is only about 2 miles away from anywhere you really want to be in this area.  Considering that temperatures are moderated by the ocean, it is markedly cooler here than it is in the middle of the state.  

I have only noticed it get to 96F/35.5C here.  I have personally been in Orlando when it was over 104F/40C and believe me, you don't really want to do that.  Putting all those Theme Parks in the middle of an area pockmarked with little lakes has me scratching my head on the best of days.

But here, what all these influences mean is that weather comes from just about any direction at any moment.  

Right now, there is a Tropical Storm gathering up power in the Northeastern Gulf of MEXICO.  It is too far from here to see any direct effects, but the winds have been variable and heading generally toward the center of circulation.

Florida is "Flatter Than Kansas", along with many other metaphors you have heard over the years.

The short answer is that rains can come from any direction, at any time.  When I was growing up Up North, if it was starting to rain "now" it would probably still be raining a couple hours from now.  Storms came from the West and were fairly predictable.  I'm thinking with Global Warming, that may have changed.

Here you require a good Radar map and need to learn to read it depending on your own plans.  Every break I stop and check the Radar.  Roughly every hour.

Since rains can do a nasty to my workouts, and the bearings in my skates or my bike wheels, you end up doing Radar Math.  Winds are driving the pop up storms from the South, you will get wet.  

This link will show you information for Pompano Beach.  At the moment, it is 90F, Sunny, and Hot, and the site tells me that I should do nothing outdoors.  Black Flag Warning.  

I'm sure it is.  2pm on a Sunny July day in Florida.  

Excuse me, I'm going to get another glass of ice water.

The last workout, a storm formed just south of the park.  I knew it was there, but took a chance.  It was moving East to West and growing.  So I needed to go North.  Right decision.  Sure it got windy and gusty for a bit, but while that pop up hit the park, it only hit the South and West sides of the big square.  By the time I got to the South side of the park, it had moved West into the Over The Turnpike areas and had done its fun.  

I tell people that I have seen it rain in my front yard from the pool in the back yard.  I have also seen it decide to rain in the back yard and not the front.  From the same storm.

So if you are coming on down, it can be cooler in Fort Lauderdale than in Fort Wayne or Philadelphia in High Summer.  

Just not necessarily today. Today, I need sunblock to get my mail.

So remember to use sunscreen, like everyone says.  Have your fun in the sun before 10AM or after 4PM.  Bring plenty of water.

No I mean that last bit, heat exhaustion and dehydration are dangerous.  There is this thing called WBGT that we're being told to follow.  If the humidity and heat are too high for you to be safe out there on an athletic activity, go indoors.

Today I learned if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat. Because it's Cap Sized.

This little story reminds me that if I ever had a chance to have another dog, I'd have to put "Talking Buttons" out in the house.  We have a bell on the back door for our boy Rack to ask to be left out but I can't hear it from the front room.

Dang it, Rack, Ring it Louder!  :)






 A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.


He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says "good afternoon, how are you?"

"OH my, you can talk!"

" Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch."

"WOW, that's amazing!"

The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he's interested in selling the dog.

"Sure, I'll take 10 bucks for him."

"Why so little, you do know he can talk?

"Yeah, I know, but he's a liar. He's never been off this porch!"

I have a chemistry joke, but it’s too basic.

You know, waking up at 445 on a Saturday to fight the heat, circle a giant gas bag, and sweat is fine.  It is just the Karens I could do without!  

If you see a tall guy out there looking wrung out but laughing at his rubber duck board shorts, that just might be me!


Just had to get that out of the way.  But hey there is always this, right?




The Indian with a great memory

There was once a man and a woman driving through the desert to Las Vegas on their honeymoon when they came across an Indian teepee with a sign out front that read:

“Indian with amazing memory inside! The husband says to his fiancée, “What the heck, let’s stop and check it out.” So they go inside, and the man asks the Indian, “What did you eat for breakfast three years ago?” Without missing a beat, the Indian replies, “Eggs.” The man looks at his fiancée and says, “Wow… that’s an incredible memory,” and they continue on their trip.

Ten years later, now married with kids, the family happens to be traveling through the same desert. They spot the very same teepee. Excited, the husband says to his kids, “Your mom and I stopped here ten years ago! Let’s go see if he remembers me.” So the whole family goes inside. Trying to be funny, the husband raises his hand and says, “How.”

The Indian looks at him calmly and replies: “scrambled”

Why Did I Buy Barbie's Electric Chainsaw?

I had been poking around on Temu.  In the past I have bought a few things and learned that you can use it well, but you do have to watch how you read the descriptions. 

I am also finding that the same vendors are on Amazon, and at a higher price.  I'm not exactly a rich person, so I will cut that middleman out wherever I can.  The "Scrabble Tiles Thrown At A Wall" company brands are on both sites.

I get thrown off by the dimensions.  Metric throws me at times, and I bake in both Metric and Imperial.  My workouts are in Imperial but the individual parts are in Metric.  I am Large in US size, in Chinese size I am 2XL or 3XL.

And so forth.

The last batch of odds and ends was delayed in transit and I was given a pair of $5 consolation prizes for a total of $10.  Nice touch.

The Mango Tree forced this last purchase.  I was outside with a common garden pruner snipping away at some branches.  Mango Tree had finished fruiting for the year and every year it needs to be trimmed way back or else it will take over the yard and become a monster.

It grew from a "man sized" hat rack to about as tall as the house's roof since last year's trimming.  I think it hit the ground water table.

That $10 Temu credit came to mind.  I was outside sweating in the morning heat, filling up my blue trash can, and trying to think of a better way to do it.

When I came in and got cleaned up, I sat down at the laptop.  My email had a status that my shipment had gotten through customs and is sitting at a regional hub.  At the bottom of the email was a bunch of helpful suggestions for future purchases.

A $11 chainsaw.  How on earth?  

Ok, I was drawn in, I looked at the specs on the thing.  6 Inch Chainsaw.  That made me raise an eyebrow.  I looked at my hand.  From tip to wrist, that is close enough to 6 inches to use as an estimate.  Thinking that I will have some wrist sized branches to trim back the lightbulb went on.

Barbie's Electric Chainsaw just may work.

Of course I went looking for the cheapest price and found it as well as a collection of tools that went with a weed eater and the same kind of batteries.  Both were ordered.  

Barbie's Electric Chainsaw (in blue) basically cost me $1 plus $3 shipping.  Yoink!

I am still waiting on the weed eater.  It comes with a twee little 4 inch in diameter metal saw blade as well and there is some brush that needs leveling as well as my Podocarpus Hedge that will get attended to.

So a ludicrously small battery electric chainsaw.  It actually worked on a thumb sized branch before I came in.  My Mango Tree "trimming" will happen.

Actually it will happen in the morning that I don't have a workout or an appointment, and needs to happen before 10AM.  It's what I can call "high summer" in South Florida, and as an athlete, I am having an education on what it means to avoid heat exhaustion.  This heat has spiked my resting heart rate, sent it from a normal for me 52 to a high of 58 yesterday.  

When I go out there to trim my tree, it will be in the morning, and with a giant glass of water.  Ice Water.

Remember to hydrate!

Coffee with vanilla soy milk is actually just a 3 bean soup.

I have been looking for a reason to go on a vacation.  Since I am getting rather settled, I'm thinking I'll leave things as they are.




A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage

Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."

Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."

The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:

"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"

She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."

That's all folks !!!

My dog ate a deck of cards, the vet says that he'll deal with him later.

 They must have been on the coffee table.  Rack goes there every time I leave the coffee table and searches for crumbs.

Not really but hey, it makes for a good story, right?



 A young college student takes a few writing courses and discovers he has a great talent for it. He had majored in something more sensible, but decides he has to be a writer. The only problem is he has no idea how to make a living at it...

...so he asks his professor and he’s told there’s only one man in town who has actually made his living as a writer. A meeting is arranged for the two, and the student sits down with old writer, who looks to be in his 90s, but has had many books and essays published.

The student asks, “I’m not foolish enough to think I can get rich, but how can I be a working writer like you?”

“My boy,” the old writer says, “your youth is a time for ideals, passions, dreams and hopes. To be a writer, however, is to forsake all of these things. Your reality will be one of deprivation and hunger. There will be loneliness - endless loneliness - for writing is perhaps the loneliest profession of all. You will never be sure if you are a great thinker or merely caught in the grip of madness. But if you must write, and you never give up, and you continue to perfect your craft despite resigning yourself to a life of hunger, loneliness, and poverty, by the time you’re fifty, something wonderful happens.”

“Really? What happens when I turn fifty?”

“You get used to it!”

Betty's Dish Made It To Sarasota, Florida. Or did it?

Back in the day.  Once upon a time.  

There were three sisters.  Mary, was the youngest.  Betty and Millie.

The three sisters used to get together and make insane amounts of food in their various kitchens and share it.  

Mostly with Mary and Betty.  I did not really know that Millie was as frequent a beneficiary of these potlucks as Mary was.

Mary was my mother.  Betty and Millie were my aunts.

Very strong women.  Forces of Nature.  Italian women.  Family lore said that Mary only spoke Italian until she was 7 years old and still could speak a little by the time I was 7 years old.

Typical immigrant story, you are expected to integrate into the larger culture as much as possible.

For better or worse.

Regardless of languages, these women made some amazing food.  From family tradition, they would make plenty of Italian Specialties.  It's a large family, they were always feeding each other.

In fact, I could not get properly fit until I moved out from Mary's house.  Getting fit is a habit I kept to this day.  

Aggressively, assertively.

Once Mary was preparing a meal at her house with the fill in from Betty.  You know, cooperative cooking can be fun and there were some things that Mary did not make as well as Betty did.

That was Betty speaking.  I couldn't vouch for that, but I did know how it would get to Mary's Kitchen.  White Corning Oven Safe Casserole dish.  Cornflower Blue flower pattern on the side.

Really everything was so good that I did not want to get in the middle of this contest of "My Sauce Is Better Than Yours".  I did know that since we were in Philadelphia Area, our Amoroso's Rolls were better than what I had when I went to Betty's house in Queens, NY.

Finast, Indeed.  

I would take some stew meat called Bracciola or a piece of Italian Sausage and put it in a Hoagie Roll with plenty of that sauce and dust with excellent Parmesan and be in heaven.  I am still burning those calories many years later.

The meal was a success.  Mom really did like having her sister down, even if they were two cut from the same cloth.  Both were a force of nature level of strength.  I knew that eventually I'd hear one or the other yelling and it would be a "Discussion".  A Loud Discussion.

I'd disappear at that point either into the basement or into the garage and busy myself with something appropriate and let the dust settle until I was called for dinner.

After the visit there was a call.  Betty thought that she had forgotten Her Dish.  White Corningware with Cornflower on the side.  You know the one, blue flower.  

Mom tore apart her kitchen and could not find it.  I got drafted into looking myself.

We decided to let it rest.  Betty didn't.  After all, it wouldn't be Family Lore if it didn't recur.

The next visit Betty sheepishly said she is still looking for her dish.  We let her go through all of the cabinets and she did not find it.  

The next visit and onward for years, Betty still muttered about the dish.  It confused us all because we all looked through the house and at her house and in the cars and in the various things that went bump in the night.

Mom died first, and when Betty visited to say her goodbye, we told her to look again through the house for her dish.  Take what you like.  Still no dish.  Not in any of the cabinets.

My sister and I were bemused by the entire thing.  It simply was not around at any of the houses.

Fast forward to a visit that I paid to Betty.  She had moved to a house on the spine of Long Island in the city of Lake Ronkonkoma.  Before I went I had found a similar piece at a thrift store with a lid.  Rather nice casserole that I kept for years as a key to start the engine to this story at will.  

We called it "Betty's Dish" with a smile.

I brought that dish to Betty and immediately she said "Well, that's not my dish.  I wish I had mine."  Laughing I offered it to her and she didn't want it since she was beginning to minimize her house in the aftermath of the move.  "It wouldn't match my set".

We never did find that dish until now.

I get a picture texted to me of a cabinet.  As far as I am concerned, the dish had gotten moved from New Jersey, to New York, magically broke on my floor and re-materialized and now moved to Sarasota, Florida.  A friend of mine was visiting a friend of his and said "Hey, here's Betty's Dish!".

I even suggested he bring it home since I thought from the picture that it was in a thrift but no, it was in someone's house and they would miss it since it completed a set.

That would be a little too close to home, as now Betty's Dish would be missing in two places.

So we do know that Betty's Dish is not in my house since my dish expired due to "Deceleration Trauma" on a rather solid floor in my farm house in Philadelphia.  It is not in Sarasota because that was not Betty's Dish".

Hey!  But it could be!

Now you know the tale.  Every time I see a Cornflower Corning Baking Dish, I get a wry smile and point it out to people and say "There's Betty's Dish!".

It is a shame because it's a great size for making casseroles and breads.  But there's always a chance I'll stumble across another one of Betty's Dish.

It's only smell if it comes from the Ol' Factory, otherwise it's just sparkling odor.

After the "festivities" last night, the air quality here is pretty bad.  There's a haze lingering and I am hoping for a sea breeze to set up at 10 AM as usual, and maybe a line of T Storms would help.





  Cinderella is shipwrecked. She washes up on a barren, rocky island in the middle of the ocean.

There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"

Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.

"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"

"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."

Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.

"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."

"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."

POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"

POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.

"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"

POOF!

I have a history joke, but it’s too old.

 You can tell this is a joke.  Generous Lawyer?  Who would have thought...




 Generous Lawyer

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one woman, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor women he stated, "You come with us also." The second woman, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretched limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Pre Workout Dog Walk and Serenity on the Block

 I have a very regimented life.

In order to get to the park to get the workout in, I am up well before dawn.  This sets up the day.

I try to be at the park, on the bike before 8AM.  Because, Florida is Hot.  Air Conditioning runs 12 months in a year with a 2 to 4 week breather in February.

Two hours of cardio in that kind of condition means I pick and choose what I can do and on which day.  I was there early enough because I was out of bed at 4:40 this morning.

Go out to the yard in boxer shorts, start the irrigation for the flowers, let the dog irrigate his own plants.  

Catch the 5AM news on CBC or BBC hoping for some positive news.  Not today.  Fires and Evacuations in the Northwest Territories of Canada, Venezuela's rescue efforts continue, the Japanese Yen is "devalued".

I feed the dog and get ready to go out on the first walk of the day.

Meanwhile, I have a pre-dawn conversation.  Most mornings I have a chat with a good friend of mine, 1200 miles away.

She knows that I get back into the house after the walk and need a carbo-load.  Got to fuel up for the day.

As I step out into the morning, I see "be safe" on my phone.

That's a given, but thank you.  I step out and all is quiet.  I take a picture and send it along.

"This looks serene".
"Yes, it does" 

That is this neighborhood at 5:40 in the morning.  Most neighborhoods should be similar.  Quiet.  Serene.  That serenity helps me clear my mind for the day.

We continue the conversation, advising, and preparing.  She knows that I'll get home and finish preparing for the future cycling marathon.

But 1200 miles away, we are there for each other.

Hot, though the day was, it also allowed me to get in 27.6 miles on the bike.  No Trail Karens, not too many "On Yer Left" announcements.   I even managed to find a tree ripened mango for breakfast.

All in all it was a good morning.

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Sunday Morning, sunrise.  Time to get ready to go do big circles around the giant gas bag before the heat gets to be too much.  Life of a "Master" athlete.  Or at least that is what they call us who have the temerity to get off the couch after the age of 35 or so.

Remember, if it's on the TV, it's not sports, it's merely 'entertainment'.  Go move!






 
 Grocery store

I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and i ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

Then it was my turn.

The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

I nearly had a heart attack.

I said, “WHAT? For this?”

The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”

I have a software engineering joke, but it is not updating.

 I keep thinking I should write an app, but do it in some older language just so people would scratch their heads and say "Why am I installing Fortran or Cobol here again?"

Then I decide, it isn't worth the effort to troll someone else.




Now this?  It reads like a plot to a Big Bang Theory Episode.




 Oil Tycoons Son Gets Accepted to Harvard

A foreign Oil Tycoons son gets accepted to Harvard, to prepare his son for life in a new country he shells out big money for a Tudor Style Mansion, and to get him to and from school he gets him a top of the line Rolls Royce.

On his first day of class he pulls up in his brand new Rolls Royce and immediately gets comments from his fellow students

"Amazing car, I took the bus to school, I'm so jealous"

"Nice car, sure beats getting dropped off by your mom like I did"

Even one of his professors notices him in his class and says "Hey, I saw you pull up in a Rolls Royce. Maybe one day that'll be me, but I took the train in this morning"

At the end of the day the oil tycoon calls his son to ask about his first day at Harvard. His son responds "Dad it was amazing, just like its shown on TV but I felt a little uneasy since I came in a Rolls Royce but so many of my fellow students came in a bus, and even one of my professors came by train."

The dad responds "Ok, I've wired you $10 Million, please buy yourself a train to take to school to stop embarrassing this family"

Basic Buttercream Icing Recipe

Weird huh?  I keep throwing recipes up here?  I needed a good simple Buttercream icing recipe.  This is one that doesn't need cooking, and can be done with a hand mixer, although your arm may get tired.

When you need 3000 calories a day for all the training you do on the trails, an extra cupcake is not a big deal.  In case you need a good, basic, simple cake or cupcake recipe, I've got you covered!

Oh and Buttercream can be made vegan by substituting Margarine and nut milk in.

The trick with Buttercream Icing, Frosting if you prefer, is that you do things gradually.  Loosey-goosey.  It is not baking, it is more "combining ingredients" and if you think that it is done, then great, it is!  If you think it is too tight or too firm, add more liquid, too loose, add more sugar.  

Remember, add your ingredients gradually!

Ingredients:

•     2 sticks of butter, at room temperature, softened
•     3 to 4 cups of confectioners sugar, sifted
•     1 teaspoon of vanilla extract - other extracts can be substituted such as peppermint if desired
•     2 to 3 Tablespoons of Heavy Cream or Milk
•     Optional - for chocolate icing, melt separately 3 squares Baker's chocolate
•     Optional - pinch of salt

Process:

•     Cream your butter well with a mixer.  The more you cream the butter, the more fluffy it will be
•     To the creamed butter add in slowly 3 cups of sifted confectioner's sugar.  
•     If a sweeter icing is desired, add up to 4 cups, however I found it to be perfect with 3 cups.
•     Add to the icing base 2 to 3 Tablespoons of Heavy Cream or milk.  I recommend 3 Tablespoons heavy cream.
•     Add to the icing base any flavoring such as your chocolate, vanilla, or peppermint at this time.
•     Mix well to incorporate as much air as possible.
•     This will be very stiff in the refrigerator so chill only when needed.
•     At room temperature, this icing will be soft and creamy.

Our stapler won’t commit—it has serious attachment issues.

Being a Doctor as a career is one of those Multi Disciplinary things.  You have to understand the body as a system.  But you also have to figure out some random behavioral issues like a psychologist.

And sometimes, finding the problem is just dumb luck.




 The clever Doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating & see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her, "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

I have an electrical joke , but it's shocking!

 Stay cool my friends!  Going to 92F/32C here, and it already feels like we are trying to break dance in someone else's shower room.

While I'll be hydrating all day today to prepare for tomorrow's workout, I'll leave this hot steamer here for you to enjoy. 

Time to make some bagels, I think!



A pair of immigrants get off the boat at Ellis Island

They go to speak to an immigration official who will give them an allowance, based on their qualifications, while they attempt to find work. 

The first is asked what his job was previously and he replies that he was a diesel fitter. The official tells him that he will be eligible for $100 a week until he finds a job. 

The next man looks hopeful as he walks up and is asked the same question.

"Well, sir, I used to do the very fine stitching on ladies underwear."

"You will be eligible for $25 a week until you find a job."

"But why? You are giving my brother $100 a week!"

"Well, a diesel fitter is a more in demand position that requires skilled labor."

"What do you mean? I was the one who did the stitching. All he did was pull them over his head when I was finished and yell out to the ladies passing in the street *diesel fitter!*"

White Cake Mix - From Scratch Because The Box is Shrinking

I bake, a lot.  So I have been collecting recipes to replace Boxed Mixes as well as for things that I need to have in the house.  When you have a calorie budget of 3000 calories a day to support your athletics, you have to prepare.

Recently the common "Boxed Cake Mixes" got "shrinkflationed".  They went from 15 ounces to 13.33 ounces.  Or so.  

No.  Just, No.  That. Is. Greed.  

F. U. Betty.

Especially when the recipe for making a Boxed White Cake Mix is so easy that you can keep it in a jar, on your counter, for up to a year.  

After that, you are on your own, although I have had "some success" adding Baking Powder and Baking Soda to a mix and reviving it.  Salty, but it can "work".

Just use the stuff, you will enjoy it, and this particular mix is what you probably have in your kitchen already.


Instructions:

• Add the ingredients to a bowl.
• When ready to use, bake at 350F/180C for 20-25 minutes.
• The cupcakes in the picture took me 22 minutes in a "calibrated oven".

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cups cane sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

To make the 12 cupcakes:

• Preheat oven to 350F/180C
• One batch makes one layer of cake or 12 cupcakes of 2 Oz/56g each.
• Yes, I measured with a gram scale.
• Add the mix to a large mixing bowl.
• Add 1/2 cup milk.
• Add 1/2 cup neutral oil (I cheated and used olive oil).
• 2 large eggs, scrambled.
• 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.
• Mix well, pour into cupcakes or your baking pan.
• Bake 20-25 minutes until toothpick put into the middle comes out clean.
• A cake pan will take longer, 25-35 minutes.

Modern society is so divorced from our food sources that most people who eat pop tarts have never actually killed one themselves.

And that in a nut shell is why I bake from scratch.  Fear me, for I have knowledge of the kitchen!  Grrrr!




 Quasimodo is looking for an apprentice

So he puts out an ad in the paper and a dopey kind of fellow shows up looking for work.

They head up the bell tower and Quasimodo explains the job:

"It's real simple, just pull on this rope and then get out of the way as fast as you can or that bell is gonna crash into you."

"Piece of cake boss!"

The guy pulls the rope, doesn't move and watches as the bell comes crashing into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo runs to the base of the tower where a small crowd has gathered. Someone shouts out "does anybody know this man's name!?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, a second man comes looking for work.

"Quasimodo, the man that died yesterday was my brother and our family really needs the money, so please let me take over his job."

"Okay, but this is what killed your brother. You gotta pull on that rope and get out of the way as fast as you can."

"Just leave it to me boss!"

The man pulls on the rope, stands still and the bell crashes into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo rushes downstairs to where a small crowd has gathered. Somebody shouts out "oh my goodness! Does anybody know who this man is?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

Walking around this neighborhood sometimes feels like you should have Groucho Marx making one off cracks at the ducks.

Hmmm, where did I put my copy of Duck Soup?





  A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey.

Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do the paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in Death's office.

He thinks to himself about what he wants to do when he gets there, he could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, he could drive the best sports cars he could imagine, he could even be a care-free child again.

He lingers on that final thought for a moment, it's so appealing to him to be able to run around, play, be silly, with nobody judging him. He gets excited, and stands up.

Death walks back into the office, just in time to see the man bouncing on the sofa. 

He asks "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" to which the man replies "I'm having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?" 

Just as he finishes speaking, the sofa tears open, and the man falls all the way through. 

Death is furious and screams "DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS!? I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO EARTH NOW TO GET A NEW ONE". 

The man sheepishly apologises.

Death asks the man to stand up, and they begin their journey to the afterlife. As they arrive, Death says to the man "GO INSIDE, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FROM HERE". He obliges.

As he walks in, Satan says to the man "Welcome to Hell"

"Hell!?" the man splutters. "But I was told I was going to heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!“

"Unfortunately that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man, however in death, you have behaved recklessly and with no consideration for the reaper cushions."

Three Bicycling Maintenance Tasks for you to Consider Before Your Next Workout

 With inline skates, it's pretty straightforward.  If the wheels have steel bearings, and they won't spin for more than about 30 seconds when you move them quickly by hand, replace or refurbish the bearings.  

I had done that frequently and on my 100 mile weeks, I would do it every week.

I did not expect Cycling to be that frequent or complex.

Complex, yes.  Frequent, not really.

But I had done a major refurbishment of my bicycle back in March.  It is now June, and I have put on 1000 miles since then.  I'm getting close.

There are two ways to tell.  

First, when I push down on the power stroke, I'm getting sound.  Not a lot, but some.  If you get sound on the bike, it means some of your effort is not going into putting you forward and it is time to hunt that part down.  

Everything that spins should spin easily and almost silently.  Things that roll should not creak.

I suppose that the bike is getting old, I have 10,000 miles on the clock, it's been used and abused on trails since I got the thing.  In every sport I participate in, my own method is as an endurance athlete.  I'm not in it for speed, I am in it for distance.

Secondly, if you have the wheels up in the air, give them a very gentle 'flick'.  If they don't swing freely, they need servicing.  By this I mean that it should swing effortlessly like a weight on a string.  A Pendulum.  Mine does for the most part.

A bicycle wheel is rarely balanced perfectly so that it will just spin until balance and friction stops it.  Mine is no different.  My front wheel will spin and then come to a stop at a specific point where a reflector is at 8 o'clock on the dial. 

I am fine with that, and the imbalance is so slight that I would never feel it under power.

But the spinning is slowing down.  The rear wheel, the one with the chain drive will do the same thing until it begins to reverse, then the chain will take up the slack and try to turn the pedals.  Again, not a problem, I can run the pedals against the force and try to analyze the motion.

I had installed a new chain and gearset myself back in March and kept everything clean and lubricated.  The gearset is where the seven sprockets sit on the one side of the back wheel stacked in a pyramid shape.

Since the teeth on each sprocket, especially the gears that are used most, are not worn into a shape resembling a Shark's Tooth, I don't need to replace them.

In my specific case, the problem was that the brake pads were making contact with the brake disc very gently.  This would slow down my forward momentum and make the workout more difficult.

Replacing the brake pads on a bike are a simple affair, especially with mechanical disc brakes.  Remove the caliper with two Allen nuts, remove the cotter pin, and the retaining spring can be gently slid out.  I generally can sand the surface of the pads until clean two different times, and replace them within the caliper to get rid of the road grit and dirt from their surface.  Clean off the discs with alcohol and replace the caliper making sure that the disengaged brakes are not making contact with the discs.  

You can tell when you look down through the alignment gap, this is where I get the dog's flashlight and make sure it's clear.

Make sure you don't get grease from any source on the discs.  That would be why your brakes are making moaning or chattering sounds.

I did manage to cycle 27 miles today on the new pads and they stop me like they did when the bike was new, a couple years and 10,000 miles ago.

16,000 km I guess.

Brakes do need to be clean, so if you are caught out in a cloud burst or are fording a stream or puddles, it isn't a bad idea to give the discs a good cleaning before taking the bike back out yet again.  The brakes are important and will last longer with proper maintenance.

This all does not take long, about 15 minutes for both brakes if I am quick about it, double that if the dog wants to get involved.

I have a math joke, but it doesn't count.

 I'm not a fan of hunting.  It really is best if this sort of thing was left in the "Stupid Ages" since we are learning that there is truly some intelligence in what we broadly call "animals".  

I'm not a vegan.  But this math doesn't really add up.

Speaking of math...





 A medieval king was hunting in Africa...

He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom.

Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless.

The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

I have a surgery joke, but it cuts to the quick.

 I've been through surgery at least 3 times.  I don't recommend it lightly.  On the other hand, I'm happy to have it in the rear view mirror.  One of those things, it's done, and the people who performed it each time were exemplary, truly excellent.

But dang, who wants that sort of thing?

On the other hand I'm feeling generous.  Here are a couple for your Saturday Morning.  I've got a dog campaigning for his third mile walk.




One Friday afternoon at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe…

Darla, the blonde receptionist at the firm runs back to the paralegal’s office with a long gold cardboard box in her hand.

“Look, Patty!” she exclaims excitedly, “Your husband just sent you a dozen long stemmed American beauty roses! How romantic! Wish my George was half as romantic… All I get on Fridays is a text asking me to pick him up a case of beer. Then he gets drunk and doesn’t pay any attention to me all weekend,” she sighs.

Patty rolls her eyes. “You’re the lucky one,” she says. “Yeah it SEEMS romantic on the surface of it, but you know what it REALLY means? I’ll have to spend the whole weekend in bed with my legs in the air!”

Darla looks puzzled for a second, and then a knowing look crosses her face.

“Oh I get it. Well, why don’t you just stop at a store on your way home and buy a vase?”





Funniest dad and nerdy jokes

1:  A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “Do you have any books on how to commit suicide?” The librarian looks at him and says: “No.” The man asks, “Why not?” She replies: “Because you wouldn’t bring it back.”

2:  A computer scientist’s wife tells him: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” He comes back with 12 loaves of bread. She asks, “Why did you buy so many?” He replies: “They had eggs.”

3:  An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender pours two beers and says: “Know your limits.”

(added another nerdy joke):

A photon checks into a hotel.

The receptionist asks, “Do you have any luggage?”

The photon says: “No, I’m traveling light.”

Cardio. It Gives Me The Excuse To Eat Stupid Amounts of Food While the Dog Watches

I have been training to get in shape for twice as long as I have not.  

Or longer.  Decades.

I do crazy amounts of cardio.  8 hours of cycling a week, 6 miles of walking per day.

It gets to the point where I am not eating for regular reasons.  It is done to fill the empty hole, and when done, I'm typically ready to start over.

3000 calories a day.  It's balanced, all a part of a plan.  40% of calories from Protein, the remainder from fats and carbs.

Typically on a "Workout Day", more carbs than fat but it all varies.

To get that many calories, I'm in and out of the kitchen more times a day than I care to count.

Walking through to the laundry on wash days like today, I tend to grab a "Little Something" to keep things going.  I need to get the wash done on "Off Days" because "On Days" all bets are off whether I will have the interest to do anything other than go around in circles at high speeds.

There was a conversation once with a restaurateur.  She was surprised that I wanted the last piece of chocolate cake.  I told her about the 30 miles I had done that day on inline skates and that the cake was already burned.  Oh, and I need to stop myself from having a second.

She had an excellent chocolate cake, really, It's part of the reason why I have so many recipes for chocolate cake and other baked goods.

I am famous for sitting on the front bumper of my Jeep and having a mid workout snack.  Those brownies are really nice after an hour of drafting someone else getting their cardio on.

In this heat that we get in South Florida, it's a requirement that you take frequent breaks.  Water stop, snack, Sunblock, in that order.  I learned years back that every hour you need a break even if you don't want one.  High Summer here is as high as 96F and 80% humidity.  Call that 36C in "New Money".

Add to that a water dousing.  All 6'4" (193cm) of me standing in a parking lot, pouring a large water over my head and down my shirt and back to cool me down enough for the next hour.

Basically it's a lot of planning, a lot of food prep, and everything has to be just so.

All those trips through the kitchen have trained the dog as well.  A McNab dog is about as smart as a dog can get.  That is why I call him Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM).  He's just that smart.  

I did not realize I had trained him as well.  

Walk through the kitchen, there is a good chance that I'm going to grab something and stuff it down into the furnace where the afterburners will convert it into fuel.

Since it's a long way to the floor and since there's almost always music playing when I am at home, I may not hear when that potato chip hits my left foot.  That intelligent furry little knucklehead learned.  Come into the kitchen and follow me around.

So any time I am in there, he's in there staring me down looking to see what I can give him.  I even can shake my head no and he will accept that and walk away but he wants the chance.

If you think Old Dog, New Trick, you would be right.  There is no such thing as you can't teach that old dog, they learn even if you don't like the results.

So as I walk in making a Cheeseburger with toasted shallots on a homemade brioche bun, there's the little furry monster wanting some of the Velveeta that is perched on the counter.

I'd tidy up things so it's a little easier to work in there, but there are so many bags of carbs off to the right that it gets a little embarrassing how crowded things get.

Don't judge me, it is Athlete's Prerogative.

Even at my age, there's mess, and "Lived In".  

And besides, training sessions are available, 8AM at the park.  Look for the soon to be wet giant setting up the bike next to the Jeep.  For a nominal feel, of course.

How is the moon like dentures? They both come out at night.

Perfect story for Sunday Morning, a little light blasphemy for the faithful?


 

A Hunter and his Friend

One Friday afternoon, a pair of friends decided to end their work week by going camping. One was a fisherman, and the other was a priest. They had grown apart over the years, yet they always found common ground in getting out in the woods for some camping.

But the fisherman was tired of catching nothing but fish, so for this relaxing trip he thought he'd bring his hunting rifle for a change!

Now, shooting things in the woods wasn't the priest's cup of tea, but he didn't want to ruin his friend's good time. So with their camp all set up, the would-be hunter led his friend down the path to see what he could find.

Before long, a beautiful bird settled on a low branch above the trail. The hunter silently raised his rifle, lined up the shot, and pulled the trigger-- but the darn bullet missed by a mile!

"God dammit, I missed," he muttered as the bird flew off.

The priests eyebrows furrowed in consternation. "Don't use the Lord's name in vain, or He will punish you."

The hunter knew better than to make fun of his friend's faith, so he contained a grumble and moved on down the trail, the frowning priest in tow. Not a minute later, a wild boar came wandering across the path, and the hunter stopped to line up a shot.

But before he could pull the trigger, he carelessly snapped a twig underfoot and sent the startled hog scurrying! His shot got lost in the brush around the boar and he shouted, "God dammit, I missed!"

The priest glowered. "Don't say the Lord's name in vain, or He will punish you!"

The hunter muttered darkly, shouldered his rifle, and started down the path once more, the angry priest a step behind.

Five minutes later, and the friends' tempers had cooled; just in time to witness a majestic stag climb a hill and stare down at his kingdom. The hunter caught his breath. There could be no mistakes with this perfect shot. He lined up his rifle, and still holding his breath, he moved his finger onto the trigger--

A terrible sneeze exploded behind the hunter. The stag bounded away at the earsplitting sound of the priest's outburst.

Desperate, the hunter fired one last shot; and it skittered harmlessly into the grass. "GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED," he screamed in rage.

"That's it," said the priest," I warned you not to use the Lord's name in vain. Now, He shall punish you!"

And the heavens thundered and rumbled with a terrible storm, and lightning flashed down toward the friends...

And struck the priest dead.

From the heavens boomed a mighty voice:
"God dammit! I missed!"

I have a graphic design joke. It'll give you a stroke.

Now, how many of those old western movies have a central plot point like this?

  

 Two cowboys came upon a woman lying on her stomach with her ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that woman?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"She’s one of the psychics from town. Look," says the first one, "She’s listening to the ground. She can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the woman looks up. "Covered wagon," she says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "She knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"

The woman looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"