White Cake Mix - From Scratch Because The Box is Shrinking

I bake, a lot.  So I have been collecting recipes to replace Boxed Mixes as well as for things that I need to have in the house.  When you have a calorie budget of 3000 calories a day to support your athletics, you have to prepare.

Recently the common "Boxed Cake Mixes" got "shrinkflationed".  They went from 15 ounces to 13.33 ounces.  Or so.  

No.  Just, No.  That. Is. Greed.  

F. U. Betty.

Especially when the recipe for making a Boxed White Cake Mix is so easy that you can keep it in a jar, on your counter, for up to a year.  

After that, you are on your own, although I have had "some success" adding Baking Powder and Baking Soda to a mix and reviving it.  Salty, but it can "work".

Just use the stuff, you will enjoy it, and this particular mix is what you probably have in your kitchen already.


Instructions:

• Add the ingredients to a bowl.
• When ready to use, bake at 350F/180C for 20-25 minutes.
• The cupcakes in the picture took me 22 minutes in a "calibrated oven".

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cups cane sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

To make the 12 cupcakes:

• Preheat oven to 350F/180C
• One batch makes one layer of cake or 12 cupcakes of 2 Oz/56g each.
• Yes, I measured with a gram scale.
• Add the mix to a large mixing bowl.
• Add 1/2 cup milk.
• Add 1/2 cup neutral oil (I cheated and used olive oil).
• 2 large eggs, scrambled.
• 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.
• Mix well, pour into cupcakes or your baking pan.
• Bake 20-25 minutes until toothpick put into the middle comes out clean.
• A cake pan will take longer, 25-35 minutes.

Modern society is so divorced from our food sources that most people who eat pop tarts have never actually killed one themselves.

And that in a nut shell is why I bake from scratch.  Fear me, for I have knowledge of the kitchen!  Grrrr!




 Quasimodo is looking for an apprentice

So he puts out an ad in the paper and a dopey kind of fellow shows up looking for work.

They head up the bell tower and Quasimodo explains the job:

"It's real simple, just pull on this rope and then get out of the way as fast as you can or that bell is gonna crash into you."

"Piece of cake boss!"

The guy pulls the rope, doesn't move and watches as the bell comes crashing into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo runs to the base of the tower where a small crowd has gathered. Someone shouts out "does anybody know this man's name!?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, a second man comes looking for work.

"Quasimodo, the man that died yesterday was my brother and our family really needs the money, so please let me take over his job."

"Okay, but this is what killed your brother. You gotta pull on that rope and get out of the way as fast as you can."

"Just leave it to me boss!"

The man pulls on the rope, stands still and the bell crashes into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo rushes downstairs to where a small crowd has gathered. Somebody shouts out "oh my goodness! Does anybody know who this man is?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

Walking around this neighborhood sometimes feels like you should have Groucho Marx making one off cracks at the ducks.

Hmmm, where did I put my copy of Duck Soup?





  A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey.

Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do the paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in Death's office.

He thinks to himself about what he wants to do when he gets there, he could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, he could drive the best sports cars he could imagine, he could even be a care-free child again.

He lingers on that final thought for a moment, it's so appealing to him to be able to run around, play, be silly, with nobody judging him. He gets excited, and stands up.

Death walks back into the office, just in time to see the man bouncing on the sofa. 

He asks "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" to which the man replies "I'm having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?" 

Just as he finishes speaking, the sofa tears open, and the man falls all the way through. 

Death is furious and screams "DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS!? I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO EARTH NOW TO GET A NEW ONE". 

The man sheepishly apologises.

Death asks the man to stand up, and they begin their journey to the afterlife. As they arrive, Death says to the man "GO INSIDE, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FROM HERE". He obliges.

As he walks in, Satan says to the man "Welcome to Hell"

"Hell!?" the man splutters. "But I was told I was going to heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!“

"Unfortunately that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man, however in death, you have behaved recklessly and with no consideration for the reaper cushions."

Three Bicycling Maintenance Tasks for you to Consider Before Your Next Workout

 With inline skates, it's pretty straightforward.  If the wheels have steel bearings, and they won't spin for more than about 30 seconds when you move them quickly by hand, replace or refurbish the bearings.  

I had done that frequently and on my 100 mile weeks, I would do it every week.

I did not expect Cycling to be that frequent or complex.

Complex, yes.  Frequent, not really.

But I had done a major refurbishment of my bicycle back in March.  It is now June, and I have put on 1000 miles since then.  I'm getting close.

There are two ways to tell.  

First, when I push down on the power stroke, I'm getting sound.  Not a lot, but some.  If you get sound on the bike, it means some of your effort is not going into putting you forward and it is time to hunt that part down.  

Everything that spins should spin easily and almost silently.  Things that roll should not creak.

I suppose that the bike is getting old, I have 10,000 miles on the clock, it's been used and abused on trails since I got the thing.  In every sport I participate in, my own method is as an endurance athlete.  I'm not in it for speed, I am in it for distance.

Secondly, if you have the wheels up in the air, give them a very gentle 'flick'.  If they don't swing freely, they need servicing.  By this I mean that it should swing effortlessly like a weight on a string.  A Pendulum.  Mine does for the most part.

A bicycle wheel is rarely balanced perfectly so that it will just spin until balance and friction stops it.  Mine is no different.  My front wheel will spin and then come to a stop at a specific point where a reflector is at 8 o'clock on the dial. 

I am fine with that, and the imbalance is so slight that I would never feel it under power.

But the spinning is slowing down.  The rear wheel, the one with the chain drive will do the same thing until it begins to reverse, then the chain will take up the slack and try to turn the pedals.  Again, not a problem, I can run the pedals against the force and try to analyze the motion.

I had installed a new chain and gearset myself back in March and kept everything clean and lubricated.  The gearset is where the seven sprockets sit on the one side of the back wheel stacked in a pyramid shape.

Since the teeth on each sprocket, especially the gears that are used most, are not worn into a shape resembling a Shark's Tooth, I don't need to replace them.

In my specific case, the problem was that the brake pads were making contact with the brake disc very gently.  This would slow down my forward momentum and make the workout more difficult.

Replacing the brake pads on a bike are a simple affair, especially with mechanical disc brakes.  Remove the caliper with two Allen nuts, remove the cotter pin, and the retaining spring can be gently slid out.  I generally can sand the surface of the pads until clean two different times, and replace them within the caliper to get rid of the road grit and dirt from their surface.  Clean off the discs with alcohol and replace the caliper making sure that the disengaged brakes are not making contact with the discs.  

You can tell when you look down through the alignment gap, this is where I get the dog's flashlight and make sure it's clear.

Make sure you don't get grease from any source on the discs.  That would be why your brakes are making moaning or chattering sounds.

I did manage to cycle 27 miles today on the new pads and they stop me like they did when the bike was new, a couple years and 10,000 miles ago.

16,000 km I guess.

Brakes do need to be clean, so if you are caught out in a cloud burst or are fording a stream or puddles, it isn't a bad idea to give the discs a good cleaning before taking the bike back out yet again.  The brakes are important and will last longer with proper maintenance.

This all does not take long, about 15 minutes for both brakes if I am quick about it, double that if the dog wants to get involved.

I have a math joke, but it doesn't count.

 I'm not a fan of hunting.  It really is best if this sort of thing was left in the "Stupid Ages" since we are learning that there is truly some intelligence in what we broadly call "animals".  

I'm not a vegan.  But this math doesn't really add up.

Speaking of math...





 A medieval king was hunting in Africa...

He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom.

Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless.

The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

I have a surgery joke, but it cuts to the quick.

 I've been through surgery at least 3 times.  I don't recommend it lightly.  On the other hand, I'm happy to have it in the rear view mirror.  One of those things, it's done, and the people who performed it each time were exemplary, truly excellent.

But dang, who wants that sort of thing?

On the other hand I'm feeling generous.  Here are a couple for your Saturday Morning.  I've got a dog campaigning for his third mile walk.




One Friday afternoon at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe…

Darla, the blonde receptionist at the firm runs back to the paralegal’s office with a long gold cardboard box in her hand.

“Look, Patty!” she exclaims excitedly, “Your husband just sent you a dozen long stemmed American beauty roses! How romantic! Wish my George was half as romantic… All I get on Fridays is a text asking me to pick him up a case of beer. Then he gets drunk and doesn’t pay any attention to me all weekend,” she sighs.

Patty rolls her eyes. “You’re the lucky one,” she says. “Yeah it SEEMS romantic on the surface of it, but you know what it REALLY means? I’ll have to spend the whole weekend in bed with my legs in the air!”

Darla looks puzzled for a second, and then a knowing look crosses her face.

“Oh I get it. Well, why don’t you just stop at a store on your way home and buy a vase?”





Funniest dad and nerdy jokes

1:  A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “Do you have any books on how to commit suicide?” The librarian looks at him and says: “No.” The man asks, “Why not?” She replies: “Because you wouldn’t bring it back.”

2:  A computer scientist’s wife tells him: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” He comes back with 12 loaves of bread. She asks, “Why did you buy so many?” He replies: “They had eggs.”

3:  An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender pours two beers and says: “Know your limits.”

(added another nerdy joke):

A photon checks into a hotel.

The receptionist asks, “Do you have any luggage?”

The photon says: “No, I’m traveling light.”

Cardio. It Gives Me The Excuse To Eat Stupid Amounts of Food While the Dog Watches

I have been training to get in shape for twice as long as I have not.  

Or longer.  Decades.

I do crazy amounts of cardio.  8 hours of cycling a week, 6 miles of walking per day.

It gets to the point where I am not eating for regular reasons.  It is done to fill the empty hole, and when done, I'm typically ready to start over.

3000 calories a day.  It's balanced, all a part of a plan.  40% of calories from Protein, the remainder from fats and carbs.

Typically on a "Workout Day", more carbs than fat but it all varies.

To get that many calories, I'm in and out of the kitchen more times a day than I care to count.

Walking through to the laundry on wash days like today, I tend to grab a "Little Something" to keep things going.  I need to get the wash done on "Off Days" because "On Days" all bets are off whether I will have the interest to do anything other than go around in circles at high speeds.

There was a conversation once with a restaurateur.  She was surprised that I wanted the last piece of chocolate cake.  I told her about the 30 miles I had done that day on inline skates and that the cake was already burned.  Oh, and I need to stop myself from having a second.

She had an excellent chocolate cake, really, It's part of the reason why I have so many recipes for chocolate cake and other baked goods.

I am famous for sitting on the front bumper of my Jeep and having a mid workout snack.  Those brownies are really nice after an hour of drafting someone else getting their cardio on.

In this heat that we get in South Florida, it's a requirement that you take frequent breaks.  Water stop, snack, Sunblock, in that order.  I learned years back that every hour you need a break even if you don't want one.  High Summer here is as high as 96F and 80% humidity.  Call that 36C in "New Money".

Add to that a water dousing.  All 6'4" (193cm) of me standing in a parking lot, pouring a large water over my head and down my shirt and back to cool me down enough for the next hour.

Basically it's a lot of planning, a lot of food prep, and everything has to be just so.

All those trips through the kitchen have trained the dog as well.  A McNab dog is about as smart as a dog can get.  That is why I call him Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM).  He's just that smart.  

I did not realize I had trained him as well.  

Walk through the kitchen, there is a good chance that I'm going to grab something and stuff it down into the furnace where the afterburners will convert it into fuel.

Since it's a long way to the floor and since there's almost always music playing when I am at home, I may not hear when that potato chip hits my left foot.  That intelligent furry little knucklehead learned.  Come into the kitchen and follow me around.

So any time I am in there, he's in there staring me down looking to see what I can give him.  I even can shake my head no and he will accept that and walk away but he wants the chance.

If you think Old Dog, New Trick, you would be right.  There is no such thing as you can't teach that old dog, they learn even if you don't like the results.

So as I walk in making a Cheeseburger with toasted shallots on a homemade brioche bun, there's the little furry monster wanting some of the Velveeta that is perched on the counter.

I'd tidy up things so it's a little easier to work in there, but there are so many bags of carbs off to the right that it gets a little embarrassing how crowded things get.

Don't judge me, it is Athlete's Prerogative.

Even at my age, there's mess, and "Lived In".  

And besides, training sessions are available, 8AM at the park.  Look for the soon to be wet giant setting up the bike next to the Jeep.  For a nominal feel, of course.

How is the moon like dentures? They both come out at night.

Perfect story for Sunday Morning, a little light blasphemy for the faithful?


 

A Hunter and his Friend

One Friday afternoon, a pair of friends decided to end their work week by going camping. One was a fisherman, and the other was a priest. They had grown apart over the years, yet they always found common ground in getting out in the woods for some camping.

But the fisherman was tired of catching nothing but fish, so for this relaxing trip he thought he'd bring his hunting rifle for a change!

Now, shooting things in the woods wasn't the priest's cup of tea, but he didn't want to ruin his friend's good time. So with their camp all set up, the would-be hunter led his friend down the path to see what he could find.

Before long, a beautiful bird settled on a low branch above the trail. The hunter silently raised his rifle, lined up the shot, and pulled the trigger-- but the darn bullet missed by a mile!

"God dammit, I missed," he muttered as the bird flew off.

The priests eyebrows furrowed in consternation. "Don't use the Lord's name in vain, or He will punish you."

The hunter knew better than to make fun of his friend's faith, so he contained a grumble and moved on down the trail, the frowning priest in tow. Not a minute later, a wild boar came wandering across the path, and the hunter stopped to line up a shot.

But before he could pull the trigger, he carelessly snapped a twig underfoot and sent the startled hog scurrying! His shot got lost in the brush around the boar and he shouted, "God dammit, I missed!"

The priest glowered. "Don't say the Lord's name in vain, or He will punish you!"

The hunter muttered darkly, shouldered his rifle, and started down the path once more, the angry priest a step behind.

Five minutes later, and the friends' tempers had cooled; just in time to witness a majestic stag climb a hill and stare down at his kingdom. The hunter caught his breath. There could be no mistakes with this perfect shot. He lined up his rifle, and still holding his breath, he moved his finger onto the trigger--

A terrible sneeze exploded behind the hunter. The stag bounded away at the earsplitting sound of the priest's outburst.

Desperate, the hunter fired one last shot; and it skittered harmlessly into the grass. "GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED," he screamed in rage.

"That's it," said the priest," I warned you not to use the Lord's name in vain. Now, He shall punish you!"

And the heavens thundered and rumbled with a terrible storm, and lightning flashed down toward the friends...

And struck the priest dead.

From the heavens boomed a mighty voice:
"God dammit! I missed!"

I have a graphic design joke. It'll give you a stroke.

Now, how many of those old western movies have a central plot point like this?

  

 Two cowboys came upon a woman lying on her stomach with her ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that woman?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"She’s one of the psychics from town. Look," says the first one, "She’s listening to the ground. She can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the woman looks up. "Covered wagon," she says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "She knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"

The woman looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

Dragonflies and Disney Princes after a South Florida Workout

There are certain things that I allow to end a workout early.

Rain, but it has to be substantial.  If I see that The Park that I workout in is under a green blob on Radar, I won't leave to get there.  If it is a big storm it is a no-go, little pop up showers are worth a chance.

High winds.  Today we had that, winds gusting to 25 MPH/40 KPH.  That picked up the sand from the beach and blew it west, inland.  It created a sandblasting effect that would wear you down.

High Heat.  I'm in South Florida, working out at Pompano Airpark.  26.247 degrees North, 80.111 degrees West.  I am used to heat.  If it drops below 80F/26C I feel "cool".  I only run the air conditioning to 76F/24C here, but it is on as a default for about 11 1/2 months in the year.

It went from Warm to Hot in an hour today.  That coupled with a rain shower and moderate to high winds, it made the last lap an uncomfortable trip.  It was a full workout of 28.19 miles.  45.36 km.

But I was wiped out and welcomed that second bottle of ice water at the Jeep.

Going home was more rain.

The rain does bring benefits.  This being The Tropics, or Tropics Adjacent depending on what your definition is, we get lots of bugs.  Rain brings Mosquitoes, and sometimes Termite swarms.  It also brings, a day after that, Dragonflies to eat the Mosquitoes and Termites.  It also feeds the little lizards and anoles that you see stuck to walls near a light.

 If you have a rain, you want to turn off the outdoor lighting for the next day or so to let the Termites find a different home.  In Florida there are two kinds of people, those that have Termites, and those who will have Termites.

I was fortunate.  Rack, the McNab SuperDog (TM) has a habit of dragging me out to the backyard about every 90 minutes during the day.  I made my lunch, then nodded off after the morning workout.  He was due to go out.  I needed to shake the drowsy off.  Waking up at 330 AM is going to pretty much require that you have an afternoon nod off, and I have been getting up early to get in an early morning workout for decades.  

I let the old boy wander the yard and look for anything he could find.  While he did that, I looked over the Bougainvillea and spotted a Dragonfly.  It was seemingly asking to have its picture taken and now I can see why people have jewelry made to look like them.  Black and yellow iridescent body with translucent wings perched on a branch in front of a flower.

It stayed there long enough to get the pictures, and for Rack to put a wet nose on my knee.  

It was time to go back inside.  It is also time to put away the black and dark shirts for the summer.  You would be surprised how fast a faded black-to-charcoal t-shirt turns to uncomfortably hot.

I have joked that my yard turns me into a Disney Prince.  I have all sorts of wildlife that visit.  My milkweed that was growing in a semi-sheltered place now had 3 monarch caterpillars on it.  Luckily I have the seeds from a prior bloom and am scattering them all over the neighborhood.

Passing the future monarchs, I went inside.  It was warm, peak of the day.  But it is just the month of May so it will get hotter.  

Hydrate when you go outside.  I know I do.  And use sunblock.  Frequently.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

This one reminds me of the T Shirt I see in some of those shops at the beach.  "$20 is $20".





 Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, which featured helicopter rides for $50.00. Every year, Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!

Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" 

I have an unemployment joke, but it doesn't work.

 Today is a "Recovery Day".  I have been training hard all year and deserve a day off.  So later, after I make cinnamon raisin bagels for breakfast this week, I'll have my feet up on the coffee table.

We will see how tomorrow goes.  After all, being over-trained is never fun.

Now this guy?  How clueless can he be?




 

 Overheard at the office coffee station


Senior Engineer: That was an awful lot of snow we got last night.
Office Manager: Yes, it was. I was an hour late after shoveling my car out of the drift.

SE: I was right on time. Here’s a photo I took of my cleaned-off car in my shoveled-out space.
OM: Wow! That’s pristine. That must have been a lot of work. You're not a youngster anymore.

SE: Not at all. My neighbor next door did it. He had it all finished by the time I drank my coffee.
OM: Nice! He must be a great neighbor.

SE: Yes, and he’s young and strong. Here’s a photo of him.
OM: Very nice-looking young man. Is the pretty woman with him in the photo his wife?

SE: Oh, no. That's the woman who visits him after his wife leaves for work.

Two Ingredient Bagels Benefit From Boil Before Bake

 You can tell when I am intrigued by a recipe or a process.  It unlocks my inner analyst, and I start getting precise with how I make the baked good.

In this case, Boiling.  If you boil a bread dough in an alkali like baking soda or lye, you end up with a Pretzel once baked.  If you cook a bread bun about 3 oz/85g after boiling, you get a rather nice Pretzel Roll.

For a Bagel, I brought up 32 ounces of water, measured, to a full boil in a narrow pot.  To that water I had added a measured tablespoon of honey. (Metric below)

The result once baked is a proper chewy crust on the bagels.  If you don't boil them, this recipe will give you something a bit odd and very crunchy on the outside.

You Must Boil These Bagels.

The one shaped like a "C" was boiled 45 seconds per side.
The bagel shaped like a "O" was boiled 30 seconds per side.

The resulting difference?  Visually nothing.

However, I have just finished that "C" with some cream cheese.  I have to say it was one of the best Cinnamon Raisin Bagels that I have had years.  It was precisely what I wanted. 

So do your boils for 45 seconds per side and see if it's right for you!

Ingredients:  

Boiling liquid:

• 32 ounces (1 liter) of water.
• 1 Tablespoon (14g) of Honey.

Cinnamon Raisin Bagels:

• 1 cup (236ml) All Purpose Flour
• 1 ounce (28g) Raisins (or to taste)
• 2 teaspoons (10ml) Cinnamon 
• 1/2 teaspoon (2.5ml) Baking Soda
• 3.25 ounces (92g) Yogurt or 5 ounces (142g) Greek Yogurt

(If you want plain, leave out the raisins and the cinnamon and choose your own add ins or none if you like, I won't judge!)

Process:

• To a mixing bowl add Flour, Raisins, Cinnamon, Baking Soda.
• Mix your dry ingredients a bit.  A Fork will do nicely.
• Add your Yogurt to the bowl and begin to mix the dough by hand.
• (Yes, I use my hands, do wash yours before you begin.)
• Continue mixing the dough until it is an even consistency.  My resulting dough was like a "Play Doh" or a soft modeling compound.  It should not be sticky.
• Form the bagels.  Take 1/2 of the dough and roll it out into a snake/cylinder.
• Attach the two ends together to form the traditional Bagel shape and set them aside.
• Repeat with the second bagel.
• Bring your Honey and Water up to full rolling boil.
• Carefully place your bagel into the boiling water for 30-45 seconds per side.

Baking:

• Set your air fryer to 360F/180C and 11 minutes.
• Place your bagels into the air fryer bucket.
• Cook your bagels for 5-6 minutes and flip to the second side.
• When 9 minutes have elapsed, inspect the bagels. 
• If they are done, remove from heat, otherwise, you still have 2 minutes on the clock!
• The bagels in this picture above were baked for 10 minutes.
• Enjoy.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Second day in a row with Ducks.  I sense a theme.  Better get out there and try to beat the T Storms before the Ducks get there first!



 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary…

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed: "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$500!" she cried, "$500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $500."

I have a carpentry joke but it wooden make sense.

Everyone knows (a) Dave.  But does everyone know Dave's Dog?





Dave was a keen duck hunter and he'd been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave's search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn't believe he'd found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand.

However, Dave didn't mention the dog's special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn't long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn't get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet. Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn't say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn't resist it any longer and he said to Paul, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?"

"Yes, I did", said Paul. "He can't swim."

Homemade Yogurt plus Homemade Self Rising Flour equals Two Ingredient Bagels in the Air Fryer.

I'm bending the definition of two ingredients.  

Since I am not afraid of making things from scratch, and that includes ingredients, I'm defining the recipe differently.

Homemade Yogurt plus Homemade Self Rising Flour equals Bagels.

Sort of.  Mrs B back at the Bagel Place in Cherry Hill, NJ back in the day would chuckle at these and say it's a nice try.  They "suffice".  They are not the best but they are certainly good in a pinch.

I am using Homemade Yogurt.  The original recipe calls for Greek Yogurt and works well with that.  Since Homemade Yogurt has a higher amount of liquid in it, the Greek Process makes something more like Cream Cheese than what you're used to out of a tub, you cut it back.

I find that either:
5 Ounces of Greek Yogurt or 3.25 ounces of Homemade Yogurt can be used.

Furthermore, if you have Self Rising Flour around, use it.  1 cup.

Since I don't keep the Self Rising Flour on hand, I take 1 cup All Purpose Flour and add 1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda.

That is the recipe, it makes two bagels.

Air Fry at 360F for about 13 minutes flipping at 5 minutes.

I wanted Cinnamon Raisin Bagels, and apparently that is something that the bagel shop we go to in Florida does not do any more.  

I guess Cinnamon Raisin Bagels have "Aged Out"!

To make Cinnamon Raisin Bagels, add about a teaspoon of Good Cinnamon to the dough, and 1 ounce of Raisins.  Knead all the ingredients together.

Kneading.  This starts as a dry mix, but as you knead the dough together, it gets wetter.  If this gets to be too wet, dust with flour.

Furthermore, a real bagel is boiled before baking.  That gives that shiny crust we all know and love.  If you do nothing, the crust will be crispy and even hard.  I used Olive Oil and it was approaching the right consistency but I am open to suggestions.  

Maybe I will boil them next time.  With Honey or Malt Syrup.  Hmmm.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup Self Rising Flour or 1 cup All Purpose Flour Plus 1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda.
• 5 ounces Greek Yogurt or 3.25 ounces "Regular" Yogurt.

Process:

• To a bowl add 1 cup flour.
• Add 5 ounces Greek or 3.25 ounces "regular" yogurt.
• Knead, by hand, the mixture until the yogurt has been incorporated.
• Optional - This will make a plain bagel.
• Optional - Add Ins are 1 tsp Cinnamon plus 1 ounce Raisins.
• Optional - Coat or Roll the bagels in Sesame Seeds.
• Egg Wash or Coat the Bagels with Olive Oil or Butter.
• Divide the dough in half.
• Roll out the dough into a long thin cylinder and attach the tail to the head.
• Or roll the dough into a ball and push a finger through the middle and stretch to get the traditional hole in the middle.
• Bake in Air Fryer at 360F/180C for 13 plus minutes.  

I have a boxing joke, but you beat me to the punch.

I have a habit of posting these things on the weekend, and they have found their own audience.  On the other hand, while I go out of my way to post something you could tell to a minor, no strong language, that sort of thing, I think this bends the rules.

Maybe Junior High School?  I mean I remember telling worse when I was in 7th Grade.

Meh, let me know.  On that note, I have a marathon to bicycle today.  Weather is too nice to sit inside and we're going to make Stuffed Shells for lunch.  Vegetarian, cheese, and I know this recipe is a good one.

Whatever you do, make it a good one and as John Lewis once said:

Make Good Trouble!




 10 Husbands, & Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

" You what?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

She said; "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband with a massive grin on his face, "and what about me?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

I decided that my statistics joke was too mean.

 Hey, it's Saturday!  Go on!  Go enjoy yourself, it is YOUR day!


Now, I am not going to say "Stop me if you heard this before" because I know I have.  But it is truly a good telling of a familiar story.  So do enjoy!



An 85-year-old man went to his physician for a check-up.

"So, how are you feeling?", the doctor asked him.

"Better than ever," the old man replied. "I have a 20-year old girlfriend, she's pregnant, and our baby will be born soon. So all in all, not bad, Doc!"

The doctor thought for a moment and said: "I'm gonna tell you a story. I knew a man, an avid hunter. 

One day he went hunting and by mistake, instead of a rifle, he took an umbrella with him. 

And so he's walking through the forest, when suddenly a huge bear appeared out of nowhere, and charged right at him! 

The man didn't lose his head, raised the umbrella, pressed the handle, and... the bear fell dead at his feet!”

"Well, that's impossible", the old man objected, "someone else must have shot it at the same time."

"Actually," said the doctor, "that's exactly what I'm trying to get at..."

Rack In Rim Or How I Can't Get Anything Done Without Supervision

I was out on the bike over that weekend.  My normal marathon was cut short, in fact, by half.

I have a goal.  If I ride 28 miles, 6 laps of the big gas bag, parked in the barn, in the middle of the park, I can call it good.

Oh sure, it tires me out and I end up having a nap in the afternoon, but after burning about 2000 calories in 2 hours, I am entitled.

Inline Skating the same amount of time is about 3000 calories, so I have this mindset that I'm slacking or cheating myself when I am on that contraption.

I knew this morning that there was a chance of rain.  I have a habit of taking that chance and running with it.  I need that workout, I don't even feel 28 miles in cooler weather.  Or at least what passes for Cooler Weather here in the steam bath and furnace that is South Florida.  

I measure workouts in how far I go past a marathon.  If I get rained out and it is less than a solid 27 miles at least, my records on the spreadsheet take the entry and display them in black instead of green.  Since the workouts are getting easier, that half workout of 13.38 miles was just a Lark in the Park.  Didn't even burn 1000 calories.

That's important because a normal day for me is taking in about 3200 calories.  Or more.  Afterburners are on, and I'm pretty much hungry during my waking hours.

Want that chocolate cake that I have recipes for?  Try to keep up.

I got home and after lunch I was feeling very relaxed but I remember that once I got back to the trailhead and my Jeep, stopping was a bit more "leisurely".  The brakes had gotten wet and leeched trail grit and oil onto the discs and pads.  It needed a servicing.

Luckily I have this down to about 5 minutes of active work once the tools are in place.   It makes me consider working on the Jeep's front disc brakes and whether it is a doable activity.

Probably.

Getting home, tracking mud onto the floor and setting myself up in the dining room floor, I was able to unmount the brake calipers.  Bending the cotter pin, freeing the two pads and the retaining clip.  A few strokes of sanding the pads, cleaning the disc with alcohol, and replacing the parts, I was able to get the rear brake in place.

Rear brakes get more use on a bicycle.  It was that way on my motorcycle as well.

Moving to the front wheel, My Supervisor was sleeping on the job.  Rack, The McNab SuperDog(TM) was sleeping on the job.I was able to get the job done without disturbing him.  Rack is 14, has three active cancerous lesions within his body, so he needs his rest.  I'll let you know when he slows down because he takes me for 5 miles of walks per day.

Buttoning the bike together quickly, that task was finished.  Rack snoring, I was able to get the bike task out of the way and ready for the next trip out.

Oh, and that rain?  Happened again on the next workout.  Wet Season seems early this year.  Must be an El Niño thing.

I have a quantum physics joke and I also don’t.

That one is for the Big Bang Theory fans out there.  

Or not.





While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the lady.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the head of state.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the head of state. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

I have a chemistry joke, but I'd get no reaction.

 I have more but they are always too caustic.  

On the other hand, ya know... this is just too good not to share!






On a long-distance train journey, a man and a woman accidentally ended up in the same sleeping cabin. Both were married, but they didn’t know each other.

At first it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but since they were very tired, they soon fell asleep. The man slept on the upper berth and the woman on the lower berth.

Around 1 a.m., the man woke up because it was cold. He slowly leaned down and woke the woman, saying, “Excuse me, ma’am, sorry to disturb you, but I’m feeling very cold. Could you please take out another blanket from the drawer?”

The woman smiled and replied, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, why don’t we behave like husband and wife?”

The man was stunned! With sweets bursting in his mind, he happily said, “Wow! What a great idea! Sure!”

The woman immediately said, “Then stop being lazy… go and get your own blanket yourself!”

There was a moment of silence… and then the man let out a loud fart.

Greek Spice Mix Recipe

This business of having a blog since 2009 can get rather involved.  If I need a recipe, I check here, then all on my computer in the recipes folder, then on my external server.

Since I did not find the recipe I needed, it is time to publish this.  I did later find it splattered all over my drives so my annoyance is your reward.

This particular spice mix is flexible.  It originally came from a recipe to make Gyro meat.  One pound each of Lamb and Ground Beef, plus the spices, and you get something pretty close to what I have had in a Greek Restaurant.

However, since I have all sorts of people who find this blather that I call a blog, the recipe has been used in different ways.  

I can vouch for this spice mix being excellent on Air Fryer Chicken Parts.
It is excellent on Roast Pork.
It is excellent on a burger.

Since it works well with "milder meats" it would work well with Tofu also.
That's one for the vegan readers that come here.

The recipe is an old standby for me, I keep this in a jar on the counter.  When I am looking for something different, I sprinkle it on the raw protein, then cook.  

It's also good on veg like white rice.


Ingredients:

1 teaspoon Salt
1 teaspoon Thyme
1 teaspoon Ground Pepper

2 teaspoons Paprika
2 teaspoons Minced Garlic or Garlic Powder

1 Tablespoon Oregano
2 Tablespoons Dried Onion or Onion Powder


Process:
Mix all ingredients into a jar.
Shake to mix.
Use on your food as a rub or mix in as needed.

A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop

This just tells me that you should always know basic first aid, and be careful where you stop on the road.



He had a point.

Mikey and I were going West on I-84 and had just stopped for gas and lunch in Boise when our talk turned to our favorite book series. I, of course, was listing off all the fantasy series I'd enjoyed. LOTR, naturally. Dragonriders of Pern. Broken Earth. Percy Jackson. Discworld. Will Wight's Cradle Series. Terry Brooks' "Magic Kingdom for sale... Sold!"...

"Wait, WHAT?" said Mikey. "Terry Brooks? No man. No. You can't EVEN list that guy with the others. He's a hack!"

"What?" I said, while Mike grabbed another grape from the bag we'd snagged in Boise. "His stuff is fun! The Magic Kingdom series was, at least. And a good friend of mine was really into Shannara back..."

Mike made a retching noise. "SHANNARA? Oh God. That was... just the least creative rip-off of LOTR ever."

"We really enjoyed it."

"Oh you DID, did you? When was this?"

"Back when we were in middle school..."

"See? Middle school. You were hardly discerning readers back then." And then he started making horrific gross disgusting choking noises.

I thought he was just poking more fun at my tastes, but then I realized he really WAS choking on one of those grapes. By the time I figured it out, pulled over the car, and tried to help him get it dislodged, it was too late. :(

And it's haunted me ever since, the time when Mike died on the Oregon Trail of dissin' Terry.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

I have to say this one made me think about perspective.  Then I got up to check on the garden.  The sun got in my eyes and came back into the kitchen.  Because that is where the food is.  Lemon curd and Yogurt make for a part of a rather nice breakfast.

 

 Madness is one Thing, Stupidity is another Subject.

A man got a flat tyre right in front of a Mental Institution. He struggles to park his car on the side of the road.

He opens his car hood, gets a jack, spare wheel, wheel spanner, and unscrews the wheel with flat tire. Unfortunately, all the four nuts roll and fall into the sewer drain. The manhole cover cannot be opened; the nuts disappeared in the drain.

The man looks desperately left and right and sits down discouraged on the sidewalk.

An Inmate of the Institute, who had observed the entire scene from the beginning through the fence of the facility shouted at him: “Hey, you Mister! What are you doing here?”

He replies: “Don't ask questions, my friend. I got a flat tyre, and while changing the wheel, the wheel all four nuts fell into the drain.”

The inmate retorts: “You're making things complicated for yourself! Just take a nut from each of the other wheels, and then you’ll have three per wheel. That'll hold until the next gas pump or tire repairing station!”

The man does as he is told and shouts to the patient: “And what are you doing in this mental Institution?”

Inmate Answers ... "We are here for madness, my friend, not for stupidity!”

A Lizard In The Flowers

 I have one friend in particular Up North.  You know, anyone who I have to drive, say, more than an hour to be with is Up North.

In this case, she's way Up North.  Well above the Freeze Line in Boca Raton.  Up above the Mason Dixon Line.  In New Jersey.

When I tell her that one of my first memories of living in South Florida was when a Cuban Anole ran to hide.  It ran up my pant leg and ended up nestled in my shorts.  I had to kick my shoes off and "Drop Trou" right there to get the little critter out.  Yes, it was fine, my backyard is completely secluded and secure, I did not scare the horses or the neighbor.

No, it didn't bite.  And no, it survived the trip.  I let it loose in the flowers of the Bougainvillea right next to the pool.  

They're all over the place.  I hardly notice them any longer.  

I'm not fanatic about it, but I have been known to avoid stepping on one because they are harmless and have their own lizardly life to live.  For the most part, they are even beneficial to our environment eating insects that try to eat, well, me.

Me, or you, or that Buick.  Some of these insects here look like they can carry off a  Truck.  

 I do tend to plant things that are beneficial to the Monarch Butterflies here.  That creates plenty of cover for the other creatures that share my yard with me.  In fact, we have so many Monarchs here at any given time that it is possible to be a "Disney Princess" or "Disney Prince" just by walking into my yard.  More than once I have been told to stand still as there is a butterfly that has landed on my shoulder.

We were going to a garden center.  I like these places because they give me ideas.  I am constantly propagating plants here from cuttings, and we have needed to put some into the ground for quite a while.  If anything I am being slowed down because my own normal tendency would be to turn the property into a forest.  

I am working on building a Hibiscus Hedge under a window and we need some ground cover.  This is the issue.  In Florida, we have termites.  You either have them in your house now, or will have them.  It's a matter of time.  In fact I have come into the house and spotted one climbing my shirt on more than one occasion.  

You don't want wood based mulch against the house.  If so you are inviting them to dine on your biggest investment.  We went there looking for some stones and some ideas.  The garden already has the plants started and the landscape cloth in place, but mulch in a place where you have watering happen through irrigation is inviting problems.

So Stones.  Against the house.  Another one of those adjustments you make when you get here, you realize the way you were doing things Up North before you migrated here, you former Snowbird, do not work in the Tropics Adjacent Florida Sun.  

You had no idea there were more than one type, you started looking into it and your mind fogged up.  You don't want anything dark, because Dark Brown, Black Polished, and Charcoal would retain heat.  You are already running air conditioning 11 months of the year, and what passes for our "Winter" is about two weeks long.

If you ever want to see someone miserable, find a South Floridian where the high will be in (gasp!) the upper 60s like it was here in February.

We know!  We know who are tourists here because in February you are in Shorts and a T Shirt and don't have enough sense to cover up because damnit 65 is cold!

Snowbirds without a lick of sense... I'll tell you.  And get off my lawn!

When it gets that cold  the Iguanas can fall from the trees.  You haven't lived until you find a cold temperature stunned Iguana wake up in your trash can because that dark blue plastic box warms up fast and the creatures are cold blooded and their muscles don't work below 45.  

Don't put them in the trash can, you will only have to let them back out and that creates other problems.

But them and the snowbirds are best left to their own devices.  The other lizards?  They tend to be harmless as long as they aren't elected to office and head to the state capitol.

Those are the most toxic lizards of all.

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school!

This reminds me of planning out an endurance workout.  You set out a distance you intend to go, then you try to get there.  

Hopefully the rains are not too strong, and they are cooling while you are out.  Else the best made plans can go awry.



 
 The mayor from a small town hires a guy to paint the road to a city 30 miles away.

"We'll divide the road in 3 segments of 10 miles each. You can come get your paycheck after you finish each segment.", says the Mayor.

The guy accepts the offer and starts that same day.

He finishes the first segment after 3 days.

When he goes to the town hall to get his first paycheck, the mayor says "Wow, that was fast, try to keep this pace!", as he hands him the money.

The guy continues with the next segment. This time he spends 3 weeks painting the second segment.

He goes to the town hall again, and the mayor says "Man, you were really fast with the first section, but you really slowed down. Try to paint the last section faster.", while he hands him the second paycheck.

The guy proceeds with the last section. He takes 3 whole months until he's done. When he tells the mayor, he angrily says "Man, you were really fast with the first section. Then you took 3 weeks with the second section. And now 3 months?!?! I hope you have an explanation!!!"

"Well..." Says the guy. "The paint bucket was further away each time".

Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco? He had no body to go with!

 Saturday Morning, Sun isn't yet up.  I need to get going since the conditions are prime and I need to do laps around the giant gas bag in a barn in a park.

This little gem is here simply because I laughed at the punch line.

That and "Golden Retrievers are a Living Hug".  That's from the old movie SOB and if you don't remember it, go find it and watch.  It's a lock if you like celebs acting out of control and making you laugh.


It was a dark, stormy night and a marine was on his first assignment, guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Rack, After a workout I am not really inclined to pay a cheese tax.

I train, hard.

My doctor is amazed at what I do "for entertainment" on the trails.  I suppose that I could "dial it back" and still get enough exercise.

Or not.

I have been training hard since I was a teenager, and I am not about to stop now.

By that I mean I have been cycling a marathon three times a week, steadily, for more than a year.  

I keep records.  On a spreadsheet.  Because, of course I would.  It's my IT training.

The spreadsheet has areas for all sorts of information including Weight, BMI, conditions, Distances in two sports, and so forth.  

Start out slow and add columns when you need them.  After all, Libre Office wants you to use their software and I would prefer do as they say.

It would be "untowards" if I didn't.

But after training, hard, for just more than two hours, and coming home, I want to shower and then lunch.

We have a routine.  I get my odds and ends inside the house, then the bike, then I can take Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) out back.  

Lately he has decided that I am too slow and he lets himself out.  The front door.  And goes next door and waters their flower box for them.  Leg in the air, wave it round like you just don't care.

I am able to unstrap the bike from the Jeep in that time and typically get it inside the house while Rack is "visiting".  The block is quiet in the pre-lunch hour so I don't have to worry.

But today, wet nose was insistent.  This isn't new.

If my feet hit the floor, my 14 year old dog wants outside.  If I am in the kitchen, he follows me in.

Today was a cheese pizza with toasted Shallots on top.  It makes for a fragrant lunch, sweet and savory at the same time.  Trust me on this one, Shallots on top of a Pizza are an interesting treat.

Since I am constantly training, I am on a training diet.  I may have "Cheat Days" here and there, I am too good of a baker not to.  I do know exactly what goes into these personal pizzas so that I am not overdoing calories and so that I hit the Protein count that my Macros demand.  30g per meal.

While I am slicing cheeses to go on top of the prefab crust, AKA a Pita, I am being stared down.  Of course I am, because I am in the kitchen.  

The thing is that with an Old Dog, you really don't want to push a lot of protein into them.  They may love cheese, and this one is a good low moisture Mozzarella, but since it is relatively high in protein, it is difficult for a dog to process with Old Kidneys.

He is on a training diet too, or rather one I developed with the Vet so that he may last a couple more years.  He's got a long list of Old Boy issues, and about 7 different medicines to support all of that.

It used to be that I could say "Not For Dogs" and he'd hear it.  Then he'd slink away and let me finish the task at hand.  Now, he is either deaf or selectively deaf and I don't trust that he will hear that.  

The solution is to shave a thin piece of cheese and let him have just that morsel while I am preparing my own lunch.

It usually does the trick.

Usually.  

I am his job.  He watches for me.  He watches me.  He is my shadow.  He is at my right elbow now, and most of the day when I am home and settled in.

I hear the ring on the oven, and bring the pizza out to the coffee table.  It has a hinge on the top so that it can be raised just enough that Rack can't get his muzzle onto the table.  I am safe because if I walked off, that pizza would vanish.

Good stuff because the sauce is a 1970s reverse engineered Pizza Sauce.  As good as the best pizza parlor would have had anywhere.  None of that canned or jarred garbage for us!

After finishing the lunch, I have to remember to block off the front door.  There is a floor to ceiling (nearly) window in the door.  Hurricane Impact Glass.  It gives me a great view to the street and people coming and going.  

The problem there is that Mr Cheese Hound sees it too.  He's decided that anyone walking or driving down my block deserves commentary.  Loud Commentary.  

I have a fabric gate that I made about 25 years ago that I place in front of the lower half of the window so that Rack can't see out.  If he did any delivery truck would be yelled at, and if the driver dared to come up the driveway, hilarity would ensue.

Since everyone has deliveries these days from multiple web sites and multiple shipping companies, it means that we are greeted with announcements in Dog.

"Rack you don't have to do that.  Go in your corner."

I'm ignored

"Rack Stop."

I'm ignored with a fusillade of barking.

"Rack STOP!"

He is greeted with a flying hedgehog soft plush.  My aim is purposely rubbish.  It never hits him but comes close enough to break his concentration.  It sometimes comes close enough to break some odds and ends on the tables.

I have to stop tossing the Hedgehog.  The last time it bounced off the Hurricane Window and fell behind the TV Coffin.

The TV Coffin is a large dark cabinet that reminds me of my credenza from my office in the working days.  It has an elevator that never works right because power here is so dirty here and full of power pops.  It confuses the electronics.

"RACK STOP!"  Hedgehog flies again.  Rack scrambles out of the room.  Hedgehog gets wedged under the couch.

I give up, 

At least I am able to have the rest of that glass of Iced Tea.

"No Rack, not for dogs".

No more cheese on the plate anyway.  Since the carbo crash hour is happening.  I'm resting after burning 2000 calories going round in big circles around the gas bag in the barn in the park.

But that delivered package?  A big bag of Root Beer Barrels.  

"No, Rack, that's not for dogs.  Here, sniff."

Annoying furry little idiot and I wouldn't have it any other way.

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.

 Sunday Morning.  Sunrise.  Getting ready to go to the park.  Winds are 14 gust 22 mph, so I am looking forward to getting pushed west with little or no effort.

Of course, what goes up must come down, so on that big 4.5 mile loop, it will be a fight to get back to the trailhead.  

Oh well, Onward and Round and Round I go!

Meanwhile, here's a groaner for you.  Well told, but still a groaner!



A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

 I will say that since I have moved from the Northeast, I haven't had a decent crab cake.  It is probably why I aggressively hunt for creative recipes and post them here.  "Eating Well Is It's Own Reward", but I am the kind of person who can churn butter in my own kitchen, then use it to make buttermilk for Biscuits.

Jus' Sayin', but do search for the tag "Recipe" here.  I have some good ones and they're all tested.




The Hubby and Wife

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. 

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish"

A Rooster I Call Colonel Sanders

For a while I was going to Key West, FL.  A great place to walk around, see what is happening.  A Drinking Town with a Fishing Problem I once saw on a T Shirt there. 

It has been turning into a tourist trap to catch a few dollars from the cruise ships that dock there for the afternoon.  That truly does not interest me.

I was amused that, while walking around through Old Town, there were chickens nesting in the shrubbery.  

We did not have such a thing where I had come from, either in Cherry Hill, NJ, or Philadelphia, PA.  It doesn't mean that some had not escaped, I just never saw evidence of them.

Your standard issue chickens.  Laying standard issue hen's eggs.  Doing what Chickens would do I suppose, scratching around in the dirt, crossing the road, looking for food, making way too much noise way too early.

This is why I was so surprised that we had a rooster turn up here in Wilton Manors.  We have ducks.  Way too many of the beasts.  They are supposed to be "Water Fowl" and what they do is "Sidewalk Foul".  I see the evidence of ducks everywhere I go here.

The Rooster on the other side of the coin, well, he's the lead bird.  He had just shown up and decided to keep home on one specific corner.  He does tolerate the ducks here but he chases them around the neighborhood.  

There is one drawback to having roosters in the yard.  They're noisy.  It is why you don't see a lot of roosters.  They don't allow you to sleep.  It isn't that they call at dawn, or only at dawn.  They call for a couple hours before dawn.  

Mind you, I am up about 2 hours before dawn on most mornings, so I hear him, from at least two blocks away.  At 5AM.

I walk out into the backyard with my headphones on.  Turning on the internet radio, tuning into the news program on CBC or BBC, I will hear him calling out from about a quarter mile away.

He's alone.  Maybe that is why he is constantly calling out at predawn 5AM, trying to find a hen to spend some time with.  But he is loud, and his call floats on the breezes.

There is another rooster about a half mile in the other direction from me.  That one calls frequently from the other side of the tracks.  I can hear him if it is quiet and the winds are just right.

Then again, it could just be that he relocated to where this one is.  Or maybe, he Was Relocated by someone.  I don't know.  As long as I don't have to hear him inside the house.

As I walk Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) on his first 2 mile walk of the day.  I see the rooster and he's going to try to avoid us.  You see, I do know why the chicken crosses the road.  It is to avoid my dog.

But as we pass, he relaxes and once out of sight, you hear that call we all know.  Yes, it does sound just like that.  5:30AM wake up call, neighbors.

Good luck with that.  At least the dirty ducks are quiet, and the flocks of feral parrots don't get loud until the sun is up.