I lost my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

When I go past the giant gas bag with the big cylinders on the truck outside, I wonder if I climb to the roof, would my voice be funny?



If it walks like a duck...




  The Bishop pays an unexpected visit to one of his young priests.


Over dinner, Father Stephen notices that the Bishop seems to be looking a little suspiciously at Miss Fotheringhay, the priest's lovely young housekeeper. So in a quiet aside, he says "Your Grace -- in case you were wondering, I am happy to assure you that Miss Fotheringhay is my housekeeper and nothing more, and our relationship is purely professional."

The Bishop says nothing, and after dinner, he is on his way. But a couple of weeks later, Miss Fotheringhay approaches Father Stephen and says, "you know, ever since the Bishop came to dinner, I haven't been able to find the silver gravy ladle. Is it possible that he took it with him by mistake?"

So Father Stephen writes a letter: "Your Grace -- I am not saying that you did take our silver gravy ladle, and I am not saying that you did not take our silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that we have not seen it since your visit."

And a few days later the Bishop replies: "Father Stephen -- I am not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if Miss Fotheringhay had been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver gravy ladle by now."