Every town has its quirks.
Wilton Manors has them too. Mostly the inhabitants of all sorts, but once in a while you see something that leaves you asking what on earth is going on.
Square in the middle of town there is a restaurant. There was a restaurant before it in the same spot. It was a greasy spoon chicken wings joint that moved just out of town.
That's great if you like that sort of thing. I can make my own greasy spoon chicken, thank you, and I prefer barbecue or grilled at any rate. Much better for you, or so they say.
Whoever They are.
As the old building rotted, someone came along and did the typical Screw The System Building Rehab. Knock down every wall but two, then build a new building around it. That means it is a rehab, and therefore not new construction, and the laws are less strict.
Not good for those of us around it.
The restaurant that later inhabited the space, to this day, is a sushi place. All painted in purple.
I'm not a fan of eating raw fish in a Barney colored restaurant blaring bad rock music from twenty years ago, but maybe you do. I'll leave you to it.
Squatting there like a big purple carbuncle, it does draw your attention. It is hardly ever "full" so if you want a meal and they are open go on in.
See, that's the thing. Right now, it isn't open. It's closed. They have a sign taped to the front door that explains that they're doing some remodeling or some re-menuing of their food. Bottom line is that it has been even emptier than it had been before.
Maybe they will open again or maybe someone will buy the place and hopefully banish Barney and paint the place a different color under a new format.
I love you, You love me, Why not have some Broccoli?
As the place has been closed for about 2 or 3 months now, maybe longer, it has collected a few cars. They were strategically placed to block the parking lot off from someone borrowing it and maybe making it look like it is actually inhabited with say a car club.
Ok, I'll say a car club. Because the cars that were left behind aren't junkers. I suspect that the city here would have something to say about that. The cars are almost always what could be considered classics.
This car parked there caught my eye and forced me to think about it. It's a somewhat restored 1950s Chevrolet. In baby blue, it also is Indifferently restored. The back deck of the car is stained with age. The paint seemed to have been done badly because it was a bit rough in appearance.
And the car had a flat.
Not just a flat, but the wheel itself was ground down leading you to believe that it had been dragged across the pavement to rest where it is over the final few feet.
By a giant purple dinosaur perhaps? I doubt that, but the love that Barney would give to that car would be to put on the spare tire, I would hope.
1950s cars are rather rare now. They've mostly gone into the hands of collectors. They generally aren't used to decorate parking lots with 1980s Corvettes, last century bucket trucks, or some of the other automotive relics that have showed up over the last month. Always three vehicles, one to block each entry, and that sad semi restored baby blue Chevrolet that was there that day and this morning still.
We saw it that day. Me, my dog Rack, and a rather nice looking tortoise shell winged Dragonfly balancing on the hibiscus hedge that is well maintained and intended to protect the property from Purple Dinosaurs.
So if you go by, you may be able to witness the worlds slowest car club. Join the Dragonflies, and the other quirky denizens of this town.
You just won't be able to get sushi, unless you bring your own.
Even better if you bring a purple dinosaur and drive up in an antique car.
You have one right?
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Love Dress
A
mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's
house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
Saturday, June 24, 2017
There Once was a Man Named Juan
Juan
was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a
brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped
their grades go up by at least 10%.
So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he decided to give it a shot.
At this school, anyone who wants to run for principal has to give a speech to the school's board outlining why they believe they should be the principal, so Juan gets up before the school board and simply says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog" and because everybody loved him he got the position of principal
A few months had passed before the town's mayor decided to resign, and because everybody in town loved Juan they encouraged him to run for mayor. So he gets up in front of the townspeople and says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog.", the speech was met with a huge cheer and Juan became the mayor.
Juan had been mayor for a few years before his townspeople decided to encourage him to run to be the next President, so he decides "why not" and enters the presidential race. Juan made it all the way to the presidential debates, where he simply said "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog", and because every American loved him he was sworn into presidency.
A few months later, Juan was incredibly drunk in the oval office. His wife walked into the office to check on him and in his drunkness, Juan pulled a gun on his wife and shot her. Juan's kids ran to the oval office to see if everything was okay and Juan being the drunk man he was shot them both dead, and a few minutes later the dog walks into the room and was met by a bullet to the face.
Whilst Juan was drunk, he still knew that he had just committed multiple offences and made a run for it, out of the white house and onto the streets. A few nights passed and Juan decided he needed to catch up on his sleep, so he went into a back alley looking for a dumpster to sleep in and he found one.
He opened the lid of the dumpster and was greeted by a homeless man, Juan panics and says "Sorry sir, I mean no harm", the homeless man recognised Juan and said "hang on, aren't you Juan, the guy who shot his wife, kids and dog?".
"Yes I am, but I mean no harm, I just need a place to sleep" replied Juan, however, the homeless man didn't take a word of it and pulled out a golf gun.
What's a golf gun? I don't know, but it definitely shot a hole in Juan.
So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he decided to give it a shot.
At this school, anyone who wants to run for principal has to give a speech to the school's board outlining why they believe they should be the principal, so Juan gets up before the school board and simply says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog" and because everybody loved him he got the position of principal
A few months had passed before the town's mayor decided to resign, and because everybody in town loved Juan they encouraged him to run for mayor. So he gets up in front of the townspeople and says "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog.", the speech was met with a huge cheer and Juan became the mayor.
Juan had been mayor for a few years before his townspeople decided to encourage him to run to be the next President, so he decides "why not" and enters the presidential race. Juan made it all the way to the presidential debates, where he simply said "I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my dog", and because every American loved him he was sworn into presidency.
A few months later, Juan was incredibly drunk in the oval office. His wife walked into the office to check on him and in his drunkness, Juan pulled a gun on his wife and shot her. Juan's kids ran to the oval office to see if everything was okay and Juan being the drunk man he was shot them both dead, and a few minutes later the dog walks into the room and was met by a bullet to the face.
Whilst Juan was drunk, he still knew that he had just committed multiple offences and made a run for it, out of the white house and onto the streets. A few nights passed and Juan decided he needed to catch up on his sleep, so he went into a back alley looking for a dumpster to sleep in and he found one.
He opened the lid of the dumpster and was greeted by a homeless man, Juan panics and says "Sorry sir, I mean no harm", the homeless man recognised Juan and said "hang on, aren't you Juan, the guy who shot his wife, kids and dog?".
"Yes I am, but I mean no harm, I just need a place to sleep" replied Juan, however, the homeless man didn't take a word of it and pulled out a golf gun.
What's a golf gun? I don't know, but it definitely shot a hole in Juan.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Sunrise on Wilton Manors
I get up whenever I feel like it. Unfortunately I tend to feel like it as early as 4:30 AM. A late day is getting up at sunrise.
Part of it is habit. I would get up on weekends back in the day. First it was for rowing on the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. Later it was for running in the Valley Forge National Park, or to the trails for biking and Inline Skating.
I miss the Skating the most. South Florida with its drivers that aim for anything out there including other cars is not conducive for putting any decent distance on inline skates.
Decent distance for me is 100 miles per week. That is 162 km for the Imperially Impaired.
But the habit continues.
Lately it is a two mile, 3 km dog walk every day, rain or predawn shimmer.
That predawn shimmer can be quite beautiful.
I'm out there with my faithful side kick and shadow, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) every morning and we cover practically the entire Wilton Drive. It's a coping strategy. You see, Rack is quite fearful and having little traffic before 7AM, we're out there to try to do some distance to keep in shape. It works, but it also serves to allow him to get a taste of what he is afraid of without truly having a major panic attack.
The minor ones will trip you up enough anyway. To get out and explore your own town at a time of morning when there are few others out there truly is a privilege. On the one hand, you get a weird zombie movie or post apocalyptic vibe where there are tumbleweeds rolling down the main drag. It's dead quiet, and there are only a few people up. You can ignore them.
But there are the changes as you walk along. The skies go from indigo to purple to blue. You get a Subtle Hint Of Mauve, whatever color your eye translates that to be, on everything, and the buildings begin to glow. The flowers begin to pop. Later you hit the golden hour and the world wakes up.
So does the traffic, and that can be a distraction for a fearful medium sized mostly black dog. He gets more insistent to get
Off The Drive and turn back into the neighborhood to head on home. It's a 45 minute or more wander. Later walks are always longer. You need to take care getting across that street that you didn't when you left home. People wave, the officers in the patrol car flash their lights or chirp their sirens to say hello, dog walkers emerge.
I am living my own version of the intro to the movie Roxanne as all the sudden I am smiling as a baby Beagle and a Pug are wrapped around my legs begging for attention and Rack is snuffling around the owners looking to be pet.
We'll end up home soon enough. Herd a few ducks, watch the last clouds turn from golden to white, and ponder whether the rain will come on shore before you get home.
Another dog walk at sunrise ends with the cool of the living room.
Hello! I'm home! What's for Breakfast?
Part of it is habit. I would get up on weekends back in the day. First it was for rowing on the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia. Later it was for running in the Valley Forge National Park, or to the trails for biking and Inline Skating.
I miss the Skating the most. South Florida with its drivers that aim for anything out there including other cars is not conducive for putting any decent distance on inline skates.
Decent distance for me is 100 miles per week. That is 162 km for the Imperially Impaired.
But the habit continues.
Lately it is a two mile, 3 km dog walk every day, rain or predawn shimmer.
That predawn shimmer can be quite beautiful.
I'm out there with my faithful side kick and shadow, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) every morning and we cover practically the entire Wilton Drive. It's a coping strategy. You see, Rack is quite fearful and having little traffic before 7AM, we're out there to try to do some distance to keep in shape. It works, but it also serves to allow him to get a taste of what he is afraid of without truly having a major panic attack.
The minor ones will trip you up enough anyway. To get out and explore your own town at a time of morning when there are few others out there truly is a privilege. On the one hand, you get a weird zombie movie or post apocalyptic vibe where there are tumbleweeds rolling down the main drag. It's dead quiet, and there are only a few people up. You can ignore them.
But there are the changes as you walk along. The skies go from indigo to purple to blue. You get a Subtle Hint Of Mauve, whatever color your eye translates that to be, on everything, and the buildings begin to glow. The flowers begin to pop. Later you hit the golden hour and the world wakes up.
So does the traffic, and that can be a distraction for a fearful medium sized mostly black dog. He gets more insistent to get
Off The Drive and turn back into the neighborhood to head on home. It's a 45 minute or more wander. Later walks are always longer. You need to take care getting across that street that you didn't when you left home. People wave, the officers in the patrol car flash their lights or chirp their sirens to say hello, dog walkers emerge.
I am living my own version of the intro to the movie Roxanne as all the sudden I am smiling as a baby Beagle and a Pug are wrapped around my legs begging for attention and Rack is snuffling around the owners looking to be pet.
We'll end up home soon enough. Herd a few ducks, watch the last clouds turn from golden to white, and ponder whether the rain will come on shore before you get home.
Another dog walk at sunrise ends with the cool of the living room.
Hello! I'm home! What's for Breakfast?
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Smuggling Done Right
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped
by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his
shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,emptied the bags ,and proving they contained nothing but sand , reloaded the bags , put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened.
Again the guard demanded to see the two bags , which contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear.
A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say dude, you sure had us crazy," said the guard." We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling ?"
"Bicycles", said the cyclist!
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,emptied the bags ,and proving they contained nothing but sand , reloaded the bags , put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened.
Again the guard demanded to see the two bags , which contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear.
A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say dude, you sure had us crazy," said the guard." We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling ?"
"Bicycles", said the cyclist!
Saturday, June 17, 2017
My Wife Ruth Left Me ... Now I Am Ruthless.
Did you hear about the clowns that got a divorce?
They had a long custardy battle.
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says, "Where in the world did you get that?"
Frog spoke up, "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my butt!!"
Whats wrong with the Bar on the Moon?
It doesn't have any atmosphere, the prices are astronomical, and the setup was pretty cheesy.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me (ouch)
My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?"
"As old as me." she replied.
He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!"
She said, "Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."
A clown held the door open for me today
I thought it was a nice jester
Three tomatoes are walking down the street.
Mama tomato, Papa tomato and Baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry.
He walks back to Baby tomato, squishes him and says: "Ketchup!"
What does a hot super model have in common with this joke?
You don't get it.
The great thing about democracy...
....is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid
True Happiness
An Englishman, an Italian, and a Russian are discussing life. The Englishman says, "True happiness is when you have beautiful summer day and you are having a picnic with a beautiful woman who loves you."
The Italian says, "No, no. True happiness is when you spend a night of passion with a beautiful woman and it is so good that you realize when you are done the sun is already up and you have made love all night."
The Russian says, "You are both wrong. True happiness is when you are asleep at 3AM. You hear a knock on the door and a man says, 'Ivan Ivonovitch. Is secret police! Come out at once!' and you reply 'Ivan Ivonovitch lives next door.'"
Why didn't the teacher break wind in front of other people?
Because he was a private tooter
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
There Is Quite A Lot Of Wildlife Watching Me
I admit it.
Actually I admit it frequently.
I'm fascinated by the wildlife that we have here in South Florida.
Walk out into the yard and I'm being watched.
Lizards, literally everywhere. I had heard there were a lot of them around, but coming from a "temperate" climate like South Jersey, I never really believed that they existed. You just don't see a lizard staring back at you from a Pin Oak tree in Cherry Hill, NJ.
Here, I walk to the front door and there are lizards sunning themselves on my driveway watching me back through the glass.
I've seen Muscovy Ducks on my front porch more times than I care to count, and I've taken to inviting them to leave. They're way too messy to be a good house guest.
They are perfectly fine on the water and near it, but the one night that I stepped onto my porch after sunset and found myself interrupting some seventeen of them making funky Duck Love and smelling the pungent aroma of what happens when you startle them, they needed to move on.
Did you know a bird will lighten the load before flying by making a poop?
Some other places have alligators in their swimming pool. Key West, Florida has Chickens. I suspect they
are fine until they get to be a bit too populous, but people brought them there to begin with. If you don't want chickens, help yourself to the eggs they leave under your shrubs.
I wonder if they will trade a few chickens for some ducks?
They came there because their many generation removed grandparents were used in fighting. That's not at all allowed these days, but some did escape and settled in.
So I did get to see the chicken cross the road, even if I am still not quite sure why it did.
You end up with wading birds deciding that it is time to perch on your Jeep. It doesn't happen too often, they aren't out there every day. Luckily they are some of the more shy creatures out there. If you get anywhere near them they fly off.
I have seen these Snowy Egrets, or what ever they are called, walk across lawns in long herds like something out of a Disney Movie. They're also the reason why I don't tell the landscapers to spray the yard.
We get so many of them here that the grubs I see them going after are kept well under control. Along with the Black Racer snakes in some rare occasions.
But we do get quite a few visitors.
In the morning, being awakened by the song birds that show up in my bottlebrush tree is a normal happening.
Some of them are louder than others. And some are more insistent than others.
It's also why I have a habit of waking early, or at least an explanation.
Go on outside and have a look around. The sheer volume of things that I see in my own little yard here in suburbia always has me wondering just what am I missing.
I've been told that there are scorpions here, and if I leave my boots outside for some strange reason, I bang them on the pavement to make sure I don't bring any hitchhikers in.
I've found way too many lizards to count. They do keep the spiders at bay though and that's a welcome aside.
After all, a Banana Spider in the house at the size of a Volkswagen is a but of a shock.
For a while I was fortunate. My old windows had another predator that took up residence in one small nook. Then the house was upgraded to Impact Resistant glass. Hurricane Glass they call it. But it also took the nook away and my frog was gone.
I do kind of miss the frogs after all that is said and done.
Really, Frogs, since I saw three there the day before the nook was taken away a couple years back. Funny how things like that end up in unexpected places.
At the moment though, there are the butterflies. Sure, I have all of those creatures cohabiting with me, the dog, the parrot, and the humans in this house. But the plants are all scattered with a dusting of butterflies in various stages of life. They all will hatch as time allows them, and I am surprised that they spend more time in that chrysalis than I would expect. After all, hanging on a leaf just means you'll get spotted and the leaf could get brought inside for an incomplete photography project.
But I am sure that you all have heard that before, haven't you?
Actually I admit it frequently.
I'm fascinated by the wildlife that we have here in South Florida.
Walk out into the yard and I'm being watched.
Lizards, literally everywhere. I had heard there were a lot of them around, but coming from a "temperate" climate like South Jersey, I never really believed that they existed. You just don't see a lizard staring back at you from a Pin Oak tree in Cherry Hill, NJ.
Here, I walk to the front door and there are lizards sunning themselves on my driveway watching me back through the glass.
I've seen Muscovy Ducks on my front porch more times than I care to count, and I've taken to inviting them to leave. They're way too messy to be a good house guest.
They are perfectly fine on the water and near it, but the one night that I stepped onto my porch after sunset and found myself interrupting some seventeen of them making funky Duck Love and smelling the pungent aroma of what happens when you startle them, they needed to move on.
Did you know a bird will lighten the load before flying by making a poop?
Some other places have alligators in their swimming pool. Key West, Florida has Chickens. I suspect they
are fine until they get to be a bit too populous, but people brought them there to begin with. If you don't want chickens, help yourself to the eggs they leave under your shrubs.
I wonder if they will trade a few chickens for some ducks?
They came there because their many generation removed grandparents were used in fighting. That's not at all allowed these days, but some did escape and settled in.
So I did get to see the chicken cross the road, even if I am still not quite sure why it did.
You end up with wading birds deciding that it is time to perch on your Jeep. It doesn't happen too often, they aren't out there every day. Luckily they are some of the more shy creatures out there. If you get anywhere near them they fly off.
I have seen these Snowy Egrets, or what ever they are called, walk across lawns in long herds like something out of a Disney Movie. They're also the reason why I don't tell the landscapers to spray the yard.
We get so many of them here that the grubs I see them going after are kept well under control. Along with the Black Racer snakes in some rare occasions.
But we do get quite a few visitors.
In the morning, being awakened by the song birds that show up in my bottlebrush tree is a normal happening.
Some of them are louder than others. And some are more insistent than others.
It's also why I have a habit of waking early, or at least an explanation.
Go on outside and have a look around. The sheer volume of things that I see in my own little yard here in suburbia always has me wondering just what am I missing.
I've been told that there are scorpions here, and if I leave my boots outside for some strange reason, I bang them on the pavement to make sure I don't bring any hitchhikers in.
I've found way too many lizards to count. They do keep the spiders at bay though and that's a welcome aside.
After all, a Banana Spider in the house at the size of a Volkswagen is a but of a shock.
For a while I was fortunate. My old windows had another predator that took up residence in one small nook. Then the house was upgraded to Impact Resistant glass. Hurricane Glass they call it. But it also took the nook away and my frog was gone.
I do kind of miss the frogs after all that is said and done.
Really, Frogs, since I saw three there the day before the nook was taken away a couple years back. Funny how things like that end up in unexpected places.
At the moment though, there are the butterflies. Sure, I have all of those creatures cohabiting with me, the dog, the parrot, and the humans in this house. But the plants are all scattered with a dusting of butterflies in various stages of life. They all will hatch as time allows them, and I am surprised that they spend more time in that chrysalis than I would expect. After all, hanging on a leaf just means you'll get spotted and the leaf could get brought inside for an incomplete photography project.
But I am sure that you all have heard that before, haven't you?
Sunday, June 11, 2017
An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...
An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...
They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.
When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. "It's all free," Peter replied. "We are in heaven, after all."
Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.
Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"
"It's free!" came the reply.
Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.
"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"
"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.
"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Thirteen Tries at Humor. Did I Get Any Chuckles? Good, I Win.
I got pulled over by a policeman...
He came to the window and said papers...
I said 'scissors, I win!' and drove off!
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
Restaurant Order
A resident in a hotel breakfast room called the waiter to his table.
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"
A barber gives a haircut to a florist one day. The florist goes to pay and the barber says "This one is on me, pay it forward."
The next day, the barber finds a dozen roses on his doorstep.
Pleased, the barber gives a baker a haircut and tells him the same thing, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen doughnuts on his doorstep.
The barber decided to keep it up and when a lawyer comes in for a haircut he tells him no charge, pay it forward.
The next day he finds a dozen lawyers on his doorstep waiting for a haircut.
As a kid, I used to stick my tongue out to flirt with girls. My parents disapproved.
As an adult, the girl's parents disapprove.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don't know, don't care.
I just cancelled my gym membership
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.
Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.
Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"
She smiles and says, "Yale."
He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
A man does and goes to heaven
He meets god and asks him "What is the meaning of life?"
"Well, if I told you, it'll ruin the joke"
A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin....
She asked that her headstone would forever read: 'Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin'.
When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved: 'Returned unopened'.
A Job selection interview
Job Interviewer: So, what makes you qualified? What jobs have you worked in the past?
Me: I have worked for a multi billionaire company that sends fresh foods to the local community.
JI: Really? That sounds extremely rewarding! What company is it?
Me: Dominos.
What do you call someone who only likes people with 10 toes?
Lack toes intolerant.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Especially when you aim for his head.
Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?
"Adam"
And your wife's?
"Eve"
Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?
"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Wildlife Photography Takes Forever Or How A Monarch Pupa Took Up Residence In My Living Room
I suppose it was meant to be.
I figured out that if I cut a length of Mexican Milkweed about the length of your longest finger and put it in wet soil, there was a good chance it would root and grow.
About 80 to 90% chance of success I have noticed.
Then if you planted them in a sheltered place, they would get to the point where they would look appetizing to a passing Monarch Butterfly, and eggs would get laid on it.
Knowing that the life cycle of a Monarch was short, and that I had only a few Mexican Milkweed plants, I watched them get decimated back to sticks. They even sampled my Mango tree and some of the Coleus that are near by.
I noticed that I had three pupae forming in the plants that I had found, hopefully more than that. There were 16 caterpillars feeding on that one sad last plant.
It hasn't really recovered. Give it time.
Some of them made it into strange places. That Mango tree in a pot had one in a very visible spot.
I began video taping the Chrysalis when it began to turn translucent. They go from a beautiful jade green through translucent, then transparent, and
will crack open so that the butterfly can emerge. It takes about two weeks.
I had that camera out there so long that South Florida began to come out of the Dry Season and into the Wet Season that we're "celebrating" with a vengeance.
Seven Inches of Rain yesterday.
That last dry day though. The pupa that was on the little Mango tree is no longer. I went out and checked it and the pupa had vanished. Bringing in the camera, I looked at the time lapsed video and there was a flurry of action when the disappearance occurred. A female Cardinal bird had spotted the camera, perched near it, and spotted the pupa hanging under the leaf. One peck and the pupa was gone. The bird actually looked into the camera and if it is possible, she smirked at it.
Fine! Be that way. I took things into my own hands.
There was a second one that managed to find a home up in a set of wind chimes. I'm leaving that one alone. The third one, on the other hand, is now in my house.
But that third chrysalis I am taking care of.
It was on a leaf in my garden. Specifically a red dracena plant that I had planted as shrubbery under the windchimes that are home to that second chryaslis.
The leaf got cut, brought inside and adhesive taped to a mat that my dog uses for the background. I had a set up. I could put the camera on the table and instead of walking all the way to the tripod on the back of the property next to the shed, I could simply turn it on and let it be. Every time I would walk past the camera, I would inspect the camera and my little companion, and make changes if needed.
That was about 3 days ago. I'm starting to get cabin fever. There's a rhythm to this sort of thing. It needs to be observed if you want a chance at any success. A Monarch won't emerge late at night, so I am effectively "off duty" after dinner. They want to have the sun to dry their wings and get ready to fly off.
It does not happen in seconds, rather a few minutes to dry, and flap about. Then they take off. I will be able to switch off the ceiling fans, and re-position the camera for that scene.
But for now I wait.
It's not even a guarantee that I will get a successful video. The creature could die. There are no errant Cardinal birds in my house, but things sometimes just don't "hatch". It's pretty reliable that at this point it will hatch, it's in a controlled environment at 76F and household humidity levels.
It could wander off the frame of the camera, which is close and only as wide as the leaf is. It could do that when I am out of the house, which I have been fortunate enough not to have to go anywhere for a bit.
But at least I will get the emergence.
If you look closely, you can actually see the distinctive orange and black pattern of the Monarch's Wings inside the clearing skin of the chrysalis. So I believe that this one is still alive, and still growing. Percolating perhaps.
Give it another day or three. After all, it's their movie, isn't it?
And sometimes the story is in the journey and not the destination.
I figured out that if I cut a length of Mexican Milkweed about the length of your longest finger and put it in wet soil, there was a good chance it would root and grow.
About 80 to 90% chance of success I have noticed.
Then if you planted them in a sheltered place, they would get to the point where they would look appetizing to a passing Monarch Butterfly, and eggs would get laid on it.
Knowing that the life cycle of a Monarch was short, and that I had only a few Mexican Milkweed plants, I watched them get decimated back to sticks. They even sampled my Mango tree and some of the Coleus that are near by.
I noticed that I had three pupae forming in the plants that I had found, hopefully more than that. There were 16 caterpillars feeding on that one sad last plant.
It hasn't really recovered. Give it time.
Some of them made it into strange places. That Mango tree in a pot had one in a very visible spot.
I began video taping the Chrysalis when it began to turn translucent. They go from a beautiful jade green through translucent, then transparent, and
will crack open so that the butterfly can emerge. It takes about two weeks.
I had that camera out there so long that South Florida began to come out of the Dry Season and into the Wet Season that we're "celebrating" with a vengeance.
Seven Inches of Rain yesterday.
That last dry day though. The pupa that was on the little Mango tree is no longer. I went out and checked it and the pupa had vanished. Bringing in the camera, I looked at the time lapsed video and there was a flurry of action when the disappearance occurred. A female Cardinal bird had spotted the camera, perched near it, and spotted the pupa hanging under the leaf. One peck and the pupa was gone. The bird actually looked into the camera and if it is possible, she smirked at it.
Fine! Be that way. I took things into my own hands.
There was a second one that managed to find a home up in a set of wind chimes. I'm leaving that one alone. The third one, on the other hand, is now in my house.
But that third chrysalis I am taking care of.
It was on a leaf in my garden. Specifically a red dracena plant that I had planted as shrubbery under the windchimes that are home to that second chryaslis.
The leaf got cut, brought inside and adhesive taped to a mat that my dog uses for the background. I had a set up. I could put the camera on the table and instead of walking all the way to the tripod on the back of the property next to the shed, I could simply turn it on and let it be. Every time I would walk past the camera, I would inspect the camera and my little companion, and make changes if needed.
That was about 3 days ago. I'm starting to get cabin fever. There's a rhythm to this sort of thing. It needs to be observed if you want a chance at any success. A Monarch won't emerge late at night, so I am effectively "off duty" after dinner. They want to have the sun to dry their wings and get ready to fly off.
It does not happen in seconds, rather a few minutes to dry, and flap about. Then they take off. I will be able to switch off the ceiling fans, and re-position the camera for that scene.
But for now I wait.
It's not even a guarantee that I will get a successful video. The creature could die. There are no errant Cardinal birds in my house, but things sometimes just don't "hatch". It's pretty reliable that at this point it will hatch, it's in a controlled environment at 76F and household humidity levels.
It could wander off the frame of the camera, which is close and only as wide as the leaf is. It could do that when I am out of the house, which I have been fortunate enough not to have to go anywhere for a bit.
But at least I will get the emergence.
If you look closely, you can actually see the distinctive orange and black pattern of the Monarch's Wings inside the clearing skin of the chrysalis. So I believe that this one is still alive, and still growing. Percolating perhaps.
Give it another day or three. After all, it's their movie, isn't it?
And sometimes the story is in the journey and not the destination.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Child's Play
I got a good solid laugh out of this one, in fact I could have seen myself doing this as a wee brat. Enjoy!
Child's play
When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".
The man asked "Can I please speak to him?", but to his surprise, the small voice whispered "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "What about your Mommy, is she there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Growing a bit concerned, the boss asked "Is there anyone there besides you?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me!"
Saturday, June 3, 2017
How About Some Short Jokes Folks?
A customer walks up to the fish counter in a supermarket where a red-headed gentleman is serving
He asks him, "got any flat fish mate?"
The fishmonger replies, "na, we run out this morning"
"I should have guessed" replied the customer, "ginger's got no sole"
A man goes to a halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask,"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."
Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet
I don't know how are we going to date if she'll get married...
Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?
Because he had metal health problems...
I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..
So I just submitted a picture instead.
Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How does a one celled organizim say goodbye to it's friends?
"adios amoebas!"
An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.
Officer: "....How high are you?"
Stoner: "No officer....it's hi how are you!"
The electron asked the photon "Did you pack your bags?"
The photon said, "No, I'm traveling light".
What do you call a magic dog?
A "Labracadabrador"
What do Germans water their gardens with?
Lederhosen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)