A customer walks up to the fish counter in a supermarket where a red-headed gentleman is serving
He asks him, "got any flat fish mate?"
The fishmonger replies, "na, we run out this morning"
"I should have guessed" replied the customer, "ginger's got no sole"
A man goes to a halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask,"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."
Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
My girlfriend caught the bride's bouquet
I don't know how are we going to date if she'll get married...
Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?
Because he had metal health problems...
I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..
So I just submitted a picture instead.
Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How does a one celled organizim say goodbye to it's friends?
An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.
Officer: "....How high are you?"
Stoner: "No officer....it's hi how are you!"
The electron asked the photon "Did you pack your bags?"
The photon said, "No, I'm traveling light".
What do you call a magic dog?
What do Germans water their gardens with?