What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A gummy bear!

A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod.

She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Lemon Curd in the Microwave in Under Three Minutes

I never really intended to write a food blog but my curiosity gets the best of me.   I never knew a Kitchen Hack I didn't like.

On the other hand, if I search for this particular food, I find the Microwave version first.  I guess I've just been hiding away from the world too long!

Lemon Curd is an English confection that the closest thing we have in America is the filling for a Lemon Meringue Pie.

But it's much more creamy and silky than that.

It also takes about 1/2 hour of standing by a stove babying it and making sure it does not boil on a medium to low heat.

This cooks in the microwave in under 3 minutes.

Yes.  It took me 2:45 to get it done.

The hardest part is making absolutely certain that your thermometer is reasonably accurate.  Mine was not, and read 10F high, so the Lemon Curd came out a little loose.

Oh, and I made mine in a recycle-able plastic Cottage Cheese container, then poured it into a jelly sized Mason Jar for storage.

Use within a couple weeks - that's why I cut down the recipe in 1/2.

This all hit the web a couple weeks back as a Kitchen Hack, I tried it, and yeah, it works.  It turns a fiddly recipe into something anyone can make in under 10 minutes if you're quick about it.

On a Bagel, English Muffin, or Home Made Crumpet, this stuff can't be beat especially if you have cream cheese to go with it all.    I use this Lemon Curd for Lemon Tarts as well.  If you have a ready made pie shell, just dump the Lemon Curd in, and top with some whipped cream or perhaps prepare a meringue for it.

Oh and of the Variations I have tried - Key Lime or Grapefruit are my personal favorites.

Ingredients for this are 1/2 of my original recipe but I will repeat them here, adjusted for size.

• 1 1/2 Lemons, Zested and Juiced (About a quarter cup juice)
• 3/4 cup (170g) granulated Sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 stick unsalted butter (2 Ounces, 60g)  - Room Temperature and cut into small pieces

Process

• To a microwave safe bowl, add all your ingredients.
• Stir the ingredients until smooth or run them through a blender.
• Place Microwave Safe bowl in microwave and cook on High for 30 seconds.
• Stir ingredients thoroughly to prevent hot spots.
• Repeat the microwave and stir cycle until the temperature at least reaches 185F (85C).
• The Lemon Curd will begin to noticeably thicken when you reach temperature.
• Again, Do not allow to boil but make sure you hit that magic temperature of 185F/85C.
• Pour the finished product into jars and refrigerate or run through strainer to capture any lemon zest or egg that might cause lumps.

Picture from wikipedia shows how it will look close up and personal!

Lemon Curd courtesy of wikipedia.com

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

Since we're on the subject of Kangaroos, here's a story about an Aussie in London.


A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.'

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear

... and how did that bear get in the jungle in the first place.

Anyway, I think in the case of this story, you have to classify this as Men Can Be So Dumb...


Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow,
they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death.
The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps.
And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker's wife cries, and through her tears says
"He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich".

The second wife totally devastated whimpers
"He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known...", and continues crying.
And the third one cries "Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches"

How to Break Your Dog Using Generic Store-Brand Cereal

I'm on a quest.

You see, every time I go to the market, I buy a different brand of Generic Cereal.   The stuff that looks like if you planted it in the backyard, you would get a bagel growing.  Bagel Seeds.

I mean, Cheerios look like bagel seeds, so you end up getting ... well never mind, that simile is stretched to its breaking point.

However you could do worse.  One Gram Of Sugar, It's Not A Lot.  Per serving that is.  I'm taller than average, so I have one and a half grams in my own Moose Sized Servings.

However, Rack, The McNab SuperDog (TM) knows though that I can be a soft touch.

He follows me around the kitchen and watches.  Since the world is not sized for my own Six-Foot-Four-Inch-One-Hundred-Ninety-Three-Centimeter, 220-Pound-One-Hundred-Kilo frame, I drop things.  Constantly.  Reach into the ice bin in the fridge and I get my five cubes for coffee and drop one.

That hardened into a ritual where he hears the freezer door open, listen for the rattle of my right hand grabbing those cubes, and he gets up and pads into there and waits.

Which is to say I get twin laser beams of brown eyes staring a hole through me.

First mug of coffee ONLY.  I merely say when I hear him get up, "Nope", and he sits down when I go in for the second mug of coffee.

Being a dog of a lifetime. he currently speaks English well enough that I am learning Spanish to avoid him knowing when I am doing something.  Yeah right, he has figured out that he can also go into the kitchen when I am getting a snack.  Bilingual dog in the making.  What's next, sign language?

Like those Bagel Seeds.   Generic, of course.

The Generic ones come in various kinds.  The best tasting ones are the ones with mostly oats, and wheat instead of only oats.  The "real" cheerios are Gluten Free and taste like cardboard, only cardboard.  Ok, not quite so bad, they taste like Only Oats which can be fine in making oatmeal with milk and a blob of lemon curd on top and ...


But the Generic-with-wheat fake-Cheerios that I like taste sweeter.  No more added sugar, I hope, but I'll eat them out of hand standing in the middle of the kitchen dropping them on my damn boot as they roll under the refrigerator.

Being a dog, he's also part vacuum cleaner.  He'll trot in there and vacuum up the things.

Being me, I upgraded him.  Once.

I took a handful of the bagel seeds and put them in his bowl.   Add milk.  Just a splash.

Now, my dog, is broke.   This dog who has the genetics of being the smartest creature in the pasture has learned that I have the power of milk.

Yes, you guessed it.  He won't eat them if I don't put the milk over them and merely gives me That Stare.

"Where's my milk?!?!?!"

Indeed.  "I didn't even give myself any milk!"

I ignored him and put the cereal away.  He walked to his hiding corner next to my big green chair and waited.

When I finally sat down he decided it was not going to happen, fifteen minutes later, and had his treat without milk.

I have GOT to stop feeding this dog people food!

It's bad enough that he knows that the rawhides are stored within reach of my desk.

He'll do the same thing.  Walk to my left elbow.  Wag his tail for attention.  Stare holes in me, wait for me to ask "What?  Show me!".  Pad over to the rawhide bag and then lasers.

A beggar of my own creation!

Why was the fishing show so successful? They had a great cast

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

I want to tell you a joke about procrastination. . . tomorrow.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

Frog is grateful, thanks the man for saving his life, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, "please make my dog win the next dog race."

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area."

Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog looks at the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

Baking or Soap Making it could be Engineering Tolerances that are causing you problems

I was an electronics geek back when I was a teen. 

Everything in Electronics had a percentage of tolerance engineered in.  Any particular theoretical Resistor may have been intended to be 220K, but in reality it had a 10 % tolerance built in and could have been as much as  22K off.  Say 200 Ohm to 242K ohm. 

And since everything else had a 10% tolerance it just may work!  After all, analog electronics always had a trimming capacitor or potentiometer somewhere to tune the circuit to make it all work.

I have a habit of scaling recipes.  That Engineering Tolerance can get in the way.

It makes too much, cut the recipe down.  If it doesn't make enough, double it.

In fact, my favorite bread recipe, Pat's Pizza Dough works great in thirds.  I can take that third and make a rather nice sized pizza for two or a couple rolls for sandwiches and it works well.

My preferred way to make a pizza crust is to toss the ingredients into a bag, add an extra teaspoon or tablespoon to texture, and squish it around until it is properly mixed and kneaded.

What if I want one single roll?

No, seriously, just one.  After all you're not eating two rolls at a time, right?  It may not turn out just right.

After all, you took a recipe that you cut down from 3 cups to 1 cup, and it worked out right, but what about going smaller.

Metric measurements may help.  

But here is the rub.  Many recipes were converted from very old measurements and work well in one specific climate, but move them they don't work.  Others were converted into Metric measurements and are rounded up or down.

I have seen conversion factors varying between 28 and 30 grams to the ounce where the official measurement is 28.35 (by my search) grams to the ounce.

28 and lets-call-it-a-third grams to the ounce.

(See what I did there?  Added an Engineering Tolerance?)

Have you ever accurately measured one gram in a kitchen?   - No.
How about 1/3 of a gram.  - No.
Does it matter? - Maybe.

"Cooking" may not be effected.  Your measurements can be a little off when you're making a roast from Grandma's recipe but "it's the way we like it" would be the answer.

Baking, well that can be finicky.  I'm just not going to try to figure out 9.45 Grams of anything.  My scale is not THAT accurate, and frankly that's only the 1/3 ounce.  A single roll needs 1/9th of a teaspoon of salt and of sugar. 

Settle down, if you go up or down slightly, it should still work but you probably have a freezer that would take the other two rolls if you went to the 1/3rd recipe.

My point is that it is a rare kitchen that can measure in tiny fractions of a gram.  If it is. it is probably cooking something that you would see in Breaking Bad.

After all, I remember my high school chemistry very well and used to get ridiculously accurate measurements in a true Laboratory with balance scales and graduated cylinders and Scientific House weights and measures, and MY kitchen is not equipped!

Since my High School Chem teacher was a stoner, learning Chemistry well was self-preservation around all those possibly toxic ingredients.

The one gram weight was, by the way, a small square of brass that was about the size of a quarter of a common postage stamp.  Now cut that down to a third.

Just stop right there.  My point is with food, it just might not be a problem and you can always have leftovers since that oven isn't exactly free to run.

But soap?  Don't try this at home kiddies!

The size reduction... Soap Making is easy but take your time with measurements.

You see, making larger batches of soap seem to be fine.  Bread Loaf sized batches mean that you can do your measurements in ounces and your kitchen scale will be happy to oblige.  Use Grams if you like and be more precise.   Anything over 500 Grams or a Pound (you choose) and the numbers get nice and round.

Since you are using less than 100% of the Lye you need in the recipe to leave things nice and moisturized after washing  your hide with it, coming in a wee bit low makes things happy. 

My first batch was at 96%.  That soap was so good that my skin problem cleared up.  Add to it that I only ever use Human Food Grade Ingredients for making soap and you can really see why.

Then I got "creative".  "Lets make One Single Bar Of Soap." I said, in earnest!  "After all, how difficult can it be?"

Hah!  You jest.

You see, the measurement came in wanting a fraction of a gram of lye. 8.45 grams, to be specific.

No.  Just no. 

Since different oils have different properties, I fiddled with the soap calculator web page and came up with a combination that ended up being exactly 8.00 grams of Lye, even round numbered gram amounts of oils, and 17 1/2 grams of water.

Why such small amounts?  I wanted One Single Bar of Soap that was going to be 3 ounces. 

Actually I wanted two of them but one had scent and the other did not.

When I was through, the same measurements gave me two bars through two separate preparations of ingredients.

Bar one was 86 Grams.
Bar two was 79 Grams.

From the same measurements.

Bar one was fine and made the house smell like peppermint, and that was intentional.

Bar two had no scent and a sheen of "something" clear on top.  I don't know if it was oil or water but it all "digested" into the bar and was (semi) solid the next day.

Don't ask, I have no idea why.

They are both curing until they are ready to use.  Bar One will probably be too strongly scented and Bar Two might be harsh.  I won't know until I use them.

So if you're wondering why it does not work out when you do all that weird calculations and get different results, well, you made a measuring mistake and it happens.

Go with larger batches next time.  I will.  My mold will make six bars of soap, each 3 ounces.  I will calculate 21 ounces and see what I get.  I'll let you know how that worked out.

Why did the snake exterminator cross the road? To get to the adder cide.

A redneck calls up the White House...
Redneck: I’d like to sign me up to be the next President of the United States!

Receptionist: What are you, an idiot?
Redneck: I dunno, is that required?


The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.




A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving
His young son came in the room and said: "Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!"

The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: "Why's that son?"
His son replied: "So I can have a son just like me"




So what do you do?
I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.

So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?
I prefer international arms dealer.



A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and.... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear then answered. "I'm not sure, I was born with them."


A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?”
Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?”
She replies “$50”.

He asks for a cheaper bottle.
She shows him another bottle.

“How much?”, “$20” she replied.
He asks again “anything cheaper?

She shows him a mirror.

My boss ordered me to take a diversity awareness program. I shouldn't have said I was lactose intolerant.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years!

So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death. The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps. And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise.

At their funeral, the first construction worker's wife cries, and through her tears says "He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich".
The second wife totally devastated whimpers "He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known...", and continues crying.
And the third one cries "Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches"

Florida Is No Place If You Hate Spiders

I'm up early.  Usually about early enough to get a good long dog walk in and feed both of us before dawn even struggles to send first light over the hedge.

Being tall, you should thank me.  It is a public service that I do.

What service would that be, you ask?

I clear spider webs from the walks and paths of this town.

Terrified of spiders?

I am not, in fact, generally I ignore them.  Their purpose is to eat the creatures that I do not care for like the mosquitoes and gnats.

Yes, this being the tropics, or tropics adjacent - depending on your definition, we do have mosquitoes.  Legions of the blasted creatures.  Evil blood sucking things.

This being the tropics here in South Florida, everything grows.   Fast.  Quick.  Assertively.

That sidewalk I depend on has palm fronds on it, every block, that I have to dodge.  You may not, but I most certainly do.

If the frond wasn't there yesterday, it's here today.  People don't tend to clear walkways to seven feet or 2 and a half meters, or what ever measure your area thinks is traditionally appropriate.

Sometimes I may help that along, but it can be a lot of work trimming leaves.

That open area is where the spider web clearing comes along.

Sorry, Charlotte, but your web was in my way.  I'll be sure to take a bit home with me in my hair

or on my arms or clothes.  Thanks, but I really don't need that.

Getting in to feed the dog, I brush myself down looking for hitchhikers and calling it good, I prepare for a later foray into the yard.

The 7:30AM yard inspection is just after sunrise by a bit.  As they say "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" and I am back outside trying to avoid bugs.

That has its own reward.  This is more human scaled agriculture, or rather my own human scaled.  I look over closely the plants I do want in the yard, remove those I don't and sometimes spot something.

In this case, Bougainvillea.  It blooms almost all year around.  I can't think of when it isn't blooming.  If you get just the right angle, it makes for quite a nice display.

If you don't just remember that those things will bite you with the spikes on the limbs.

I never work on a bougainvillea without a little blood loss.

Not from the spiders, but the spines.  Spiders are everywhere, even if you don't see them in the flowers.

Go eat a mosquito, spider, I'll leave you alone.

My favourite word is "confidential". I can't tell you why.

I'm watching my neighbor who owns a pair of apartment buildings walk around on his roof.  We're commenting "Careful, if you fall through that roof, who will you sue?"  


So of course this one is appropriate.


Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law" which has an opening for a new lawyer position.

So on the big day, John gets dressed in a sharp and finely tailored suit and drives out to the firm's building. He finally gets there about 15 minutes early, but he can't find a parking space. He drives around the building a few times but still doesn't find one.

About 10 minutes pass and he starts to panic, this was his dream! It took him months to have his resume accepted by a firm, and he is worried it may take much longer for another to accept if he misses this interview slot.

As he drives around the building, he starts to pray to God for a parking space.

"God, I don't know if you exist or not. But I promise, if you give me a parking space right now I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll give 25% of my income to charity and I'll start being a better man."

All of a sudden, a car pulls in front of him and he notices an open parking space.

He says: "Oh, nevermind God! There's one now!"

I'm giving away my roof for free! Don't worry, it's on the house.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'