Sunday, October 30, 2022

For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.

Since this first one is a wee bit short, I'll have to put together a two-fer fer ye today.  I liked the first because I'm thinking we're going to need a new vet.  I have a list of them given to me so that won't be too tough.

As for the second, I'd had enough interviews in my life to know that this is simply plausible, and I'll leave it at that!


A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?”

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."


Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible.” she said.

Sally got the job

Saturday, October 29, 2022

A week ago I sent my hearing aid to be repaired. I haven't heard anything since.

I have to say that a fine beer with my homemade pizza is a treat to me.  

I went through my own teenage and post teen crazy with the stuff, and now just look at alcohol as something I have to schedule in with my normal carbs in my training diet.  Like it isn't worth the effort.

However, I do enjoy a Guinness.

The Guinness Finally Got Him

Old man Murphy had worked down at the Guinness Brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.

When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the Guinness vat and drowned. "She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer much..?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the Bathroom

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

Tender Oat Flour Cream Biscuits

I'm writing this as the biscuits are baking.  

350F Medium Oven.

Check at 27 minutes.
Check at 5 minutes later.
Check again at 5 minutes later.

Finally pulled them at 15 minutes extra.  42 minutes.  Next time use higher temp.

Fret about the timing but enjoy the smell.  Good food takes time.

There has been a fair amount of publicity in the blogosphere about making traditional (Southern) biscuits with mostly oat flour and a wee bit of conventional all purpose flour to add back gluten.  Then their recipe adds back all the bits to make the entire mess "Self Rising".

Fair enough but why?

Simply put it is because there is no gluten in oat flour.  The expected result is that the biscuits will be extra light and fluffy.  These were extremely tender, literally broke apart when I started slicing them with a very sharp knife.

If you have oats for oatmeal, to make oat flour is easy - put the cup of oats in a high powered blender and turn it on until you get the desired result.

So yours truly got the bright idea to substitute ingredients.  I used my cream biscuit recipe which works incredibly well.  Since it is a known quantity, why not play with my food?

My new recipe is as follows:


  • 1 Cup Oat Flour
  • 1 Cup Self Rising Flour
  • 1/4 Teaspoon Baking Powder (probably needs more)
  • 1 1/2 Cup Whipping Cream (or Heavy Cream).


  • Mix until you have a dough.
  • Spoon out 2 ounces or 1/4 cup of dough onto parchment
  • Bake at 350F in preheated oven
  • Check for done at 27 minutes. 
  • Add more time as needed - I added 15 minutes total


My batch needed more time. 
First was 5 minutes because the tops were not even tan let alone golden.

Add another 5 minutes and recheck.

And finally pull them 5 minutes later for a total of 42 minutes.

They were incredibly tender.  Very buttery taste with a bit of an oat bread undertone.  These biscuits will be awesome in a bath of sausage gravy.

When I say tender, they did fall apart on the plate.

So Success but I will definitely need to tweak the temperature and add in more Baking Powder - about 1 Teaspoon next time.

Sunday, October 23, 2022

Pigs make bad actors. They're all hams.

Since it is Sunday, and a right pretty one too!, I figured that I would use this rather... rude religious story.  Well, rude depending if you live in Utah or are a Gentile.



Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"

"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "

"Are you religious? the doctor asks.

"Not at all," says the patient.

"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."

The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"

"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest 6 months you've ever had."

Saturday, October 22, 2022

What do you call a canine that gossip online? A Dog with a Blog

Reminds me this story that I need to flesh out before I blab about it here.

On the other hand, there was my dear friend David.  David is "gone" now but being from Cheshire England, he had an odd feeling about football (soccer).  He never completely shared it with me but then again, if you knew David, you knew he was rather "reserved" with certain things.  Well that and I just can't stand sitting on a couch watching a two-plus-hour "sports" show.  I'd rather play.

The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the barman. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” 

So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1980 FA Cup Final?”
“West Ham,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”
“Arsenal,” was the reply.

“And the score?”
“1-0,” he said.

“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Trevor Brooking,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA on holiday and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, the man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

I Got Yer Beanstalk Right Here, Jack!

I have to keep cooked beans on hand.  I don’t mean occasionally, I mean all the time.  You see Our Dog Rack The McNab Superdog (TM) can’t have a normal dog diet.

In the long run that’s a good thing since I am not prone to losing a loved one who I have known for 12 years due to a food recall where dogs were dying due to kidney failure.   I had that happen once already with Lettie The McBorder SuperDog (TM).  I won’t have that again.

On the other hand, it’s a lot of work and Rack can’t have a list of foods such as Chicken and Grain.  Any of them.  Not even the esoteric ones like quail.  I can feed him beef and do, I have given him pork to uneven results.

That leads to my keeping a recipe that I have made public here on my blog.  I have the cooking down to a science which is good because the recipe only makes three days worth.  Twice a week I make more.

But that also means my freezer is chock full of meta ingredients to go into this.  The Beans I got smart with a couple years ago and stopped getting them in the cans.   I buy bulk kidney beans and cook them in the pressure cooker – instant pot to the normies.

Recipe – 1 hour under pressure, 15 minutes rest, manual release.  3 parts water, 1 part beans, a half teaspoon of baking soda.

But you are told rinse your beans and pick off any of the “floaters”.  Ok, I do.  I also am a veteran gardener.  I toss the extras in the garden and don’t think twice of it.  

I have never gotten anything out of that until this time.  A Week Ago.  Now I have these things coming out of the pots I keep on the front porch.  Those are my nursery pots for Basil right now, some Crotons for display later, and these beans.

I just did not expect them to grow so fast.  Or really at all.

I was told that now I have proven that I have the gardening skills of a Second Grader.  The story was that typically you get a little bean to plant and watch it grow.  I didn’t, I got a sunflower and to this day I truly enjoy them.  Just never beans.

I am amused by the little beanstalks and how quickly they sprouted for some beans that were floaters.

So Rack and Jack will have their beans.  They’re also good in a salad, trust me.

Sunday, October 16, 2022

What instrument do fish play? The bass guitar

I'm feeling generous.  Just got back from a 20 mile bike ride and watched the sun come up over Fort Lauderdale.  All relaxed, finished some incredible French Toast with home made Mango Jelly and real Maple Syrup, have my coffee, and some great music on the speakers.  Time for the locker room.

But here... well I have four little short gems for you to enjoy, my furry friends.  Yes, internet points if you know what that references.

So enjoy my little four-play... Hey! Wait!  Not like that!


Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington.
There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places.
They were really annoying.
I asked her if they'd tried getting rid of them.
She said, "See those wires along the ledge?
They are carrying 1000 volts. We thought that would get rid of them, but it didn't phase them a bit."
I told her "I'm not surprised. That's AC current, and these are DC pigeons."

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

I said to my gym teacher

How often would I have to come in here to learn to do the splits.
He said it depends how flexible are you? I said well I can’t do mondays.

My wife and I where arguing if I need to see a Podiatrist or not.

I really thought I did not need to, but I stand corrected.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

Why did the photo go to jail? Indecent Exposure!

I drive very little.  Probably for the best, the Jeep gets awful gas mileage, and it keeps me safe.  On the other hand, when I am out passing cars in a school zone on a bike, I get reminded of this story.

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious inside, too." and leans back.

Just then, the light changes, the guy says "Later, old timer" and decides to show him how fast the car really is. He floors it and starts doing 110 on the highway leaving town.

He notices a dot in his rear mirror, and it's getting closer! What could be faster than his new Lamborghini?

WHOOOOOSH! Something flies by passing him, and it was so blurred it's hard to be sure, but it looked like the old guy on that moped!

Now something is approaching from the front, getting closer...WHOOOOSH! Something streaks by him going the other way, and it WAS the old man on the moped!

Dot in the rear view mirror, and here comes the old man on the moped from behind, gaining, gaining, and BAM! he hits the back of the Lamborghini!

Guy brakes to a halt, runs behind the car, and there's the old man and the moped, both showing the effects of the crash.

Guy says "Old man, I don't know how you did it, but that moped is the fastest thing I've ever seen! But you're in bad shape, do you want an ambulance? Is there anything I can do for you?"

And the old man whispers "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

Wednesday, October 12, 2022

Biometrics in sports are why 10.4 mph and 15.0 mph can be equal.

Sounds like a lot of nonsense but if you are a multiple sport athlete like I am, you find yourself asking questions. How does my inline skate workout compare to my time on the bicycle? How about when I run?

I had to give up running because I am too beefy and my knees gave out. But for those of you who are light enough to continue running, go for it! I am impressed by your athleticism!

But as I am a multiple sport athlete, and usually an endurance athlete, I was wondering how today’s cycle workout compared with yesterday’s inline skate workout. Since I am going to be cycling while my blister heals on my heel, how hard to I have to push those pedals to maintain my elite status on my return to my skates?

Most importantly how do I compare all of this stuff?

Two Words: Heart Rate.

It all boils down to your HR. Oh sure, I can do a hyper marathon in two sports, Cycling and Inline Skating, but I need a longer recovery time between workouts when I do it on skates.

Why? Because 10.4 mph cruising on skates is the same as 15.0 mph on the bike. It sounds counter intuitive but what that means is that while I am doing either speed in those two sports, I am clocking a pretty steady 160bpm heart rate.

Yes, it of course depends on conditions. Am I going South towards downtown Fort Lauderdale where the half mile by the High School is very slightly downhill? Am I going West where we have a constant tail wind off the ocean?

Hey, don’t fight it, gravity always wins. Wind will always be a factor.

But… there does seem to be a comparative effort you can look at. I always thought that, all things being equal, it’s roughly 1.5x. Which factor you are applying it to is up to you, speed or distance. That factor is more of a very rough estimate, but it’s from my own experience and literally, your mileage may (will) vary.

However, I have to say that is very rough and more of a “Feels” thing than anything scientific. Call it “Empirical” or “Experience”.

What is scientific is that, to reduce the variability of “Feels”, get a decent heart monitor. A good one is in the $20-$30 range at present and it’s really helpful. Mine has Bluetooth and talks to the phone. The phone has a large number of apps that will do sports biometrics reporting. I tend towards Runkeeper because the app talks back to me with voice announcements as I am chugging along, but Strava works really well too.

Here is where I am getting my feedback. Time, speed, heart-rate, plus averages, splits, and more. Everything is plotted on the GPS and is fairly accurate. Not completely precise, after all these apps have a social component that I turn off because I don’t want some creeper turning up at my door when I am getting on the bike for a predawn 20 miler.

Every two minutes I get feedback on what I am doing. Since I am doing my sports that I am a veteran at, my body wants to seek a certain speed. When the voice says that I am at a current HR of 160, I know I’m golden.

It is all about the feedback. This way you know that the effort you are putting forth on the main sport is as strong as the second or third sport. 160 bpm is a strong workout regardless of whether you are on two wheels or 8 (or 10).

So enjoy your workout, leave the monitoring to the chest strap, or the wrist watch that you will see me wearing 24/7, and let your body seek its comfort zone. After all, that zone is a really nice place to be! I am much easier to deal with when I am on my permanent runner’s high than when I am recovering from injury or over-training. Knowing when to quit can be just as hard as getting started.

On Yer Left!

Sunday, October 9, 2022

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X. Shes not coming back, and we don't know Y either.

I had a version of this told to me back in the dark days of when I was in the dorms in college.  It's been a while but here's how we said it, followed by today's offering.

A Person received a knock at the door.  Answering it he saw a person with a telegram (should tell you how old the joke was). 

The receiver asked if the message could be sung to him, but the person at the door insisted that he was not able to do that and did not think it was appropriate.  After all, he was able to read that message and knew full well what was happening.

After a lot of begging and cajoling, the delivery person started singing:

"Your sister Rose is dead...."

 A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom has been snapped in half. So what do I do?"

The farmer is annoyed. "Really? Is that your idea of an emergency? Just buy a new one!! But I'm curious, how did you manage to break a broom?"

"Well, The firetruck drove over it."

"WHAT! What was a firetruck doing on my farm!"

"Your house was alight, and they were putting out the fire."

The farmer needed to sit down.

" did my house catch fire?"

"Well sir, your wife died two days ago and there was a wake. However, one of the candles fell when no one was looking."

The farmer is silent for a few seconds.

"And you have nothing positive to tell me?"

"Well sir, your COVID test results came back and guess what!!"

Saturday, October 8, 2022

I tell dad jokes, But I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.

I'm feeling generous.  It's time for a two-fer!  Since it is looking dark and like it may rain at this moment, both of them are a bit ... dark.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription...

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What is 2+2?” The mathematician answers “Assuming all number values are accounted for and there are no variables to solve for the answer would be 4.” St. Peter lets the mathematician into heaven.

He pulls the philosopher into the room and asks him “What is 2+2?” The philosopher answers “Assuming you’re assigning the arbitrary values to these symbols that we created on earth, and assuming that you and I Agree to accept those values, then the answer would be 4.” St. Peter let’s the philosopher into heaven.

Finally he calls the lawyer into the room and asks him “What is 2+2?” The lawyer walks to the door, shuts it, draws the shades on the windows of the room, leans in close to St. Peter looks around and answers: “What do you want it to be?”

Wednesday, October 5, 2022

At A Healthy Weight How Much Should I Eat - I'm Doing The Nutritional Math

Apparently in the State of Florida, there are no requirements for someone to call themselves a Nutritionist. For today, I will be doing the math and calling myself one.  

Assumptions will be stated for all levels and for me, personally, at 186 pounds as of this morning.  If you don’t have a scale you can use first thing in the morning after your “bowel movements” this is a good excuse for you to go to the thrift store or charity shop and buy one.  Weight should be taken at the same time every day, with the same lack of clothes – nude.  Put the scale on tiles or similar hard surface.  That’s why they’re typically called a “Bathroom Scale”.

Since I am on my day off from cardio, I am looking at the numbers from a Canadian Study on Diet at this link:

It starts of with three numbers.

  • .36 grams protein per pound for non active adults.
  • .50 grams protein per pound for the low end of active adults
  • .90 grams protein per pound for the high end of active adults.

So?  What does this mean?

Of course since I am the only adult here and I go from being merely active to stupidly active, I’ll do the math on myself on all three levels.

Also the recommendations from the Cleveland Clinic as quoted are as follows:

  • 20-30% of calories per day from Protein
  • 50-60% of calories per day from Carbohydrates
  • 20-30% of calories per day from Fat.

The numbers they give are:

  • 4 calories per gram of Protein
  • 4 calories per gram of Carbs,
  • 9 calories per gram of Fat.

This reduces everything to a Math Problem from Algebra One.

The numbers I will use are rounded because it makes it easier for folks who can’t Math:

  • 25% for Protein
  • 25% for Fat,
  • 50% for Carbs.  

Fat is for “long term energy” in a diet.
Carbs for “short burst energy”.
Protein is for building muscles to get you going, generally.

Non active:

  • 186 X .36 = 66.96g protein
  • 186 X .36 = 66.96g fat
  • 186 X .36 X 2 = 133.92g carbohydrate

This means that in a “non active Diet”, my calorie intake should be:

  • 66.96 X 4 = 267.84 calories protein
  • 66.96 X 9 = 602.73 calories fat
  • 133.92 X 4 = 535.68 calories carbohydrates

Total diet would be for me if I were sitting all day:

     267.84 + 602.73 + 535.68 = 1406.25

Luckily I am never quite that inactive.  On a slow day, I walk 3 1/3 miles.  With a herding dog like Rack, he needs that.

Taking this further, for a merely active person,  their factors say that it’s .5g protein per pound.  Consider this “my off day” or “my non-race day”

  • 186 X .5 = 93g protein
  • 186 X .5 = 93g fat
  • 186 X .5 X 2 = 186g carbs

This means on the day that I’m not doing my usual 2 hours of cardio per day (I do this four times a week), I should have a calorie intake of:

  • 93 X 4 = 372 calories protein
  • 93 X 9 = 837 calories fat
  • 186 X 4 = 744 calories carbs

Total Diet:

     372 + 837 + 744 = 1953 calories total

Finally on “Race Day” or a day where I am doing my 2 hours cardio per day on inline skates or on my bike plus the 3 1/3 miles walking the dog…

  • 186 X .9 = 167.4g Protein
  • 186 X .9 = 167.4g Fat
  • 186 X .9 X 2 = 334.8g Carbs

Which translates on Race Day to:

  • 167.4 X 4 = 669.6 calories protein
  • 167.4 X 9 = 1506.6 calories fat
  • 334.8 X 4 = 1339.2 calories carbs.

Total Diet:

     669.6 + 1506.6 + 1339.2 = 3515.4 calories total.

Obviously, there are things that I can learn from this.

  • Always adjust intake on “off days” since you just don’t need the extra piece of cake.
  • Your weight varies from mine, increase or decrease the number by the proportion:  173/186 = .93 so the off day would be 1816 calories for a 173 pound person.
  • To lose weight, reduce calorie intake or increase your exercise.  I argued against that for quite a while until I lost 40 pounds over the year of Covid Lockdown by embracing it.  However, I would not personally reduce my intake by more than 10 percent of needed at one time because I know I get sluggish.
  • Finally, the proportions of Protein/Fat/Carbs are rounded.  You can up the protein for Keto or for Weightlifting/Strength training and other anaerobic muscle building exercises.

After all, your body functions differently than mine.  When I stand with my heels and back flat against the wall I can see my toes.  If they disappear… that’s when to take action.

If you want a beach body today, you should have started a year ago, but you can have one for next summer.

It’s a wall of numbers, good luck, it’s meant to give you pause for thought.  And hey, you get what you pay for, I’m just a blog writer, not your coach!

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Vending machines kill more people than sharks. I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

I am sure that there is someone out there that has an exam soon.  So think of it this way, you could be the Dr and see all these... patients all day!

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her line of work, she had to pay a premium to her staff, and with all the prep work before procedures, she needed to keep a lot of workers on hand. Still pondering what to do, she decided to ask her engineer friends, Jane and Michael, if they had any ideas.

The two heard her out, put their heads together, and confidently told her not to worry. A short time later, they presented her with a new prototype: a high-powered vacuum that could safely and hygienically remove any waste from a patient in under five seconds.

On her accountant’s next visit, the proctologist was relaxing in her office with a cheek-splitting grin. Jane and Michael were busy installing their revolutionary devices throughout the clinic. Her appointment book was full and turn-around on patients was lightning fast, even with fewer nurses.

“I think I’ve solved the staffing costs issue,” she crowed.

“After all,” she said, gesturing fondly to Jane and Michael, “with friends like these, who needs enemas?”

Saturday, October 1, 2022

“I stand corrected…” Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

I will say this guy is more like me than I care to admit. 

A married couple invites some friends over for dinner while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. 

During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?"

The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later'
The husband calls his wife again: "My love, how many beers are still in the fridge?" The response follows as usual.

At the third time, the husband again uses a very affectionate nickname to call his wife and his friends ask: "Hey dude, respect! After 20 years of marriage you still call your wife cute names, how you do it?"

The husband answers: "Actually I forgot what on earth her name is!"