Sunday, May 30, 2021

The English language can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

 Having just finished my Spanish lesson for the day, yes, I think that English is just strange.  Spanish is more ordered and elegant.

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo.
He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain.
One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a travesty to use a lesser ink on his correspondence."

The calligrapher then produced 4 jars of ink.

"Only one of these jars contain acceptable ink. Each of you shall inspect the ink and determine which jar you would use in your duties."

One by one the apprentices inspected the ink. They inspected color, fragrance, viscosity, some even tasked the ink in their quest to identify the acceptable ink.

 Finally it was Pablo's turn to inspect the jars. He moved from jar to jar inspecting the inks, colors, smells, and viscosity. Dipping his fingers in each ink then wiping them on his palm to clear his fingers for the next ink. 

Suddenly, Pablo's palm began to itch. It itched worse than anything he had ever experienced before. He began to rub his palm on his leg to itch it. The itching spread to his leg. He began to panic and curse scratching like mad until he drew blood. 

The calligrapher and other apprentices stood in shock at the vulgar scene unfolding in front of them.

Turns out none of them expected the Spanish ink quiz itchin.

Saturday, May 29, 2021

I have a fear of speed bumps..... but I am slowly getting over it.

 Yes, I am famous for my Dad Jokes and one liners.  Weirdly they have found their audience, and while I am posting these baad jokes sheepishly, I've got plenty more where they cane from you toadies.

As for this one... I like her style!


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the sidetable. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b&*@%, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time:


Wednesday, May 26, 2021

I'm in your house plants making more green.


I realize that I live in your house plants.

No, I don't mean that I'm doing some sort of weird camping out in your house at night.


I remember being in offices and thinking that the plants that people insisted on keeping in corners in decorative pots looked so green and foreign.  

There were indoor plants and outdoor plants.  If you leave indoor plants outside, eventually you will have more room for other indoor plants because yours just died.

When I was a wee brat, my bedroom was chock full of those kind of plants.  I'd start plants in the winter to be moved outside in the spring, but I was always wary that those plants were not native to my childhood area.

I would see pictures of them in shopping malls and in tropical settings and eventually realize that it was not to be.  Those shopping malls would begin putting palm trees, real palm trees, in their walkways indoors later.

I guess they have a benefit there.  A palm is not a fast growing tree, give it a bit of water and some direct light, and humidity and they would grow well.

Not that that ever happened.   Mall Palms always looked dusty, yellow, and forlorn.

I was outside caring for my own garden this morning.  Even here in South Florida, they do require specialized care.  I keep a bottle of insecticidal soap in the front yard, and another in the back.  5ML of dish soap to 16 ounces of water is the recipe.  Anything I can grow can be safely handled or eaten.

Today was trash day.  Those same plants that you fight to keep green in a stairwell in Willow Grove PA, I snip and hang out the trash can.  Usually a bit of green in the blue can.  I do this so that I know whether the trash has been picked up and I have to go out and roll the thing back to its corral.

Sound a bit... excessive to your Northern Sensibilities?  I have too much of the stuff, any stuff, and if we don't trim it, the city will wonder where the house is.

Hmmm... Maybe a picket fence of Screw Palms across the front?  No, but my yard is chock full of them as well as some multiple colored Crotons that I spotted in a British TV show as a prized gift to the manager in "The IT Crowd".  Meanwhile I propagate those same Crotons across the little garden in front of my porch because... it pleases me.

So I'll crawl out of your house plants and make a few more for later.  If I have new plantings, I can water them, legally, during watering hours every day for a month.  Maybe I can get a late start on my Basil and put in some Pinto Beans for a laugh.

I'm looking out at the shabby little duplex near me and many of those same trees over there were from my garden.  The place has changed hands about four times since I moved in here.  Each time people go, I put more green in there as a friend to one or more of the residents.  

After all, one yard of green is not enough for me.  My other stand of Screw Palms, either red or green are doing well.

Hey, it keeps me arguably honest.  I'm a little bit low on Milkweed, as is the park, so I may just find my seeds again and "accidentally" help things along again, if the butterflies allow it.

Sunday, May 23, 2021

My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

 I used to ride a Motorcycle.  I truly enjoyed it, but only when I was far away from the big cities.

Living in Suburban Philadelphia, getting away from the Big Cities was a truly difficult task in itself.  

Having a Honda Goldwing Interstate, it was meant for cruising distances, so I would get away and fly.  Flying is how I would describe it.  If you were... left alone on the highway, feet on the foot pegs, radio going on your favorite kind of music, it really was like that.

I guess, I'm something of an adrenalin junkie, honestly.  Between Skating, Running, Biking, riding that Motor, and a lot of other things.  Even the car I drive, a Jeep Wrangler TJ, you can pop the top off and enjoy the environment.

So I truly get this little story.  Someone really should have sat Johnny down and given him a talk, but hey that's what being 16 is all about, right?

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. 

But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school.
So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer and bought his dream bike with a 1200cc engine. 

He immediately put on his mirrored glasses, black leather gloves, white tee-shirt and jeans (I guess this was in the 70's) and started to cruise around town looking for someone to race.
But it started to get dark, and as he was about to make a right turn at a stop light and go home, this moped pulls up right next to him. 

The driver could not be more of a nerd - thick glasses, pimples, pant suspenders and a bow tie!
Johnny thought, well I wanted more of a challenge, but lets see how badly I can leave this guy in the dust!

So the light turns green and Johnny nails it! First gear.....second gear....third gear.....Johnny hit 60mph in 3 seconds flat!
A smile came over Johnny's face as he thought about all the smoke the moped guy must be choking on.
Then suddenly, something went flashing by was the moped! 

Johnny was like, wait...mopeds have a governor on them so they can only do 30mph tops, WHAT?
So, johnny punched it down into second gear and throttled it up! He passed the moped with dazzling speed.
And just as johnny was saying to himself "yeah, I showed him!", the moped passed him again at like twice the speed of Johnny! 

Johnny now became furious and opened it up all the way - his face looked like he was pulling 5g's as he passed the moped yet again.
Sure enough, 2 seconds later the moped whizzes by him as if Johnny was standing still!

Johnny got so upset, that he pulled over and started to kick his new bike, yelling "you piece of junk...I can't believe I spent all that money on you and you can't even beat a stupid moped!" 

A minute later the guy on the moped pulls up and says "I'm glad you finally stopped because my suspenders were caught on the back of your bike!"

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.


Back in the 1940s, Alcatraz used to bring prisoners over by boat but it became really costly. So they started working on an underground system to transport people either by car escort instead. But, they realized that one path wasn’t enough, so the architects made a higher occupancy one.

After both were fully built, there was a ridiculously high number of car accidents only on the newer, high occupancy lane and nobody could figure it out. 

So they got other architects to inspect the work and brought in doctors to check if anything was wrong with the drivers. 

While the construction was fine, it was discovered that most of the drivers who crashed had horrible wrist and finger pain almost as soon as they went underground, leading to all the crashes.

Finally, one doctor figured out what happened. Carpool tunnel.

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Waiting For Sunrise Over The Pool With Rack

I am beginning to think that a good slogan for a shelter should be "Adopt a Dog, You Will Lose Five Pounds."

It did work that way for me.  I lost five pounds after I adopted Lettie and had to get up an extra half hour earlier each day and do a walk around town following her every day.  Three times a day.

That adds up to a lot of walking.  

I would wander around town looking at things, and seeing sights that I would never have expected to see.  Many beautiful sunrises and sunsets, meteor showers, rainbows, snowfalls, gardens in bloom, and of course the neighbors.

Oh it was certainly difficult to get off my tail and go for a walk some of those days.  Winter Mornings in Pennsylvania could be justifiably called frigid.  After a snowfall, Lettie was smart enough to walk behind me in between the berms of snow and in my lee.  

I will allow a dog to follow me to shelter in my shadow, a human will be on their own.


We moved down here a couple years later and I kept the routine up.  In PA, I got up early, managed to leverage that time well by either going to the gym at work or on weekends I'd get to the park early to beat the events that would be held there so I could get in my own cardio fix.  Here, it makes sense to be up before dawn and get your walks in because in August in South Florida, it can get ugly after sunrise very quickly.

Temperatures will rise to near body temperature, with that humidity that is like being in someone else's bathroom during their shower, and the sun is Due Up.   Days like that you question why they call it the Sunshine State when it just might as well be called the Furnace State. 

When we lost Lettie, we quickly got Rack.  I needed another dog.  My routine suffered, and frankly a dog is a great way to keep your mood up.  If you have not been awakened by a wet nose on your elbow, then you are missing on one of life's great joys.

But with great joy comes great responsibility.

I not only moved myself and my family 1200 miles to Florida, I moved my walks and my schedule.  The scenery has changed.  The Palms, The Flowers, and the Pool.

I still was up as much as 3 hours before dawn, but that did not mean that I could just plop myself in the chair and do what I liked.  I had Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) to do things for.

I could just open up the back door and let him wander around to do his business before we would get him walked.  He would charge around and get behind the tropical plantings we have here on the property and then come back.  Except he is a very nervous dog.  Many days he'd just come back to the back door almost as quickly as you could walk across the room.

I started paying attention to this and changed my own schedule to allow myself the time to go out back and listen.  I never found anything particularly wrong with things, I have yet to figure out why Rack would get scared and want to come in.  Maybe an off shore shower, a trash truck a half mile off, or just a leaf moving in another city.  Who knows!  Dog Logic!

What I did find was a thing of beauty. 

I have to turn on as many lights as I can when I let him out back.  While we have  snakes hiding in the brush, toads under the trees, and other things that go bump in the night, they have always let us be.  

I would walk out and cluelessly just wait for him to come back.  It was never really enough time to be productive.  Then I started looking around.  The moon and the stars would rise over the pool.  The breezes felt wonderful on my face.  The sun rose over the ocean and hours before there will be lightening of the skies so as that proceeded, the colors would shift.

I learned that Rack was teaching me to observe while he had me wait for him to come back out from behind that particular plant. 

So listen to your dog.  They may not say much, but they can teach.  You only have to learn.

Sunday, May 16, 2021

I made strawberry preserves today. It was a jarring experience.

 Hmmm... I wonder if my jars and lids are ready for that.  I have a lot of preserves to make this week!

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous.

I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a new hive. 

When we arrived I was surprised that out of the group the keeper picked me to dawn the traditional safety measures (IE: gloves, full suit and mask/head covering).

Apparently my job was to grab any bees that stayed behind and didn’t naturally move to the next hive.

As the keeper smoked the hive I could tell my services were going to be needed as quite a few stuck around and refused to inhabit the new location.
I was instructed to “just grab them” and “put them into the new hive”.
I was extremely apprehensive as I have a small fear of being stung. Not wanting to look like a wussy on our first date I jumped in and grabbed a large handful of writhing and angry bees that 

I thought for sure would be my demise.

Standing there, with these wriggling dangerous insects in my hands I happened to lock eyes with my soon to be wife and I remember it like it was yesterday.
Her hair shined in the sun and she had a radiant glow about her.
I couldn’t look away, the keeper had to eventually jump in and guide my hands to the new hive out of fear of losing them.
Out of the entire date I walked away with a passion for her and a new understanding of life and love.
Beauty truly is in the eyes of the Bee Holder.

Saturday, May 15, 2021

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

 I know a guy who once lived in Brisbane, and his name is Tim.  I have to wonder if ...

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

And because that was a bit short:


A Scotsman phones the dentist.

Scotsman: Aye how much for a tooth extraction?

Dentist: “it will be $150, sir”

Scotsman: “150 quid! to be fair it’s just the one tooth!  Could you no charge me less if you don’t’ use anaesthetic?

Dentist: “Well that’s highly unusual but I could deduct $20 if you wish

Scotsman, “could you no use one of your trainee/assistants and do the job without anaesthetic?

Dentist: “well I cannot guarantee the professionalism and it will be painful but I could deduct another $50

Scotsman: “well howaboot is you make it a training session, your trainee/assistant can do the extraction with other students watchin and learning with no anaesthetic?

Dentist considers this a moment: “That could indeed be beneficial for the students, I tell you what I will only charge you $50 but it may be very traumatic and painful.

Scotsman: Pure Brilliant, now yer talkin Laddie!  Can you make an appointment for my wife then, for next Tuesday?!

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Mango Harvest and Lowering the Tree

It is so common here that it is a meme.

A meme I'll clean up.

If you want fruit from your own tree, plant it behind the fence in the back yard.

Mind you, I'm guilty of this as well.  There are Mango trees near here that I have permission to "take as much as you want".  The good ones, the Hagen Mangoes.

My tree is a Cogshall.  It is a condo mango and it won't grow as fast and massively as the Hagen, so I can manage the tree like anyone else.  I will plant a Mango Pit or four and I have a request from a fine lady here in town who would like to try. 

Need a Mango Pit?  Let me know if you're near me.   After all, they are Tropical and won't survive a winter out of Florida unprotected.

I put my own tree in the back yard a couple years back.  I have a crowded yard, that pool that nobody uses is taking up most of the area.  So if I want fruit, I have to stick with either containers or the one spot that I planted that mango tree.

I checked.  I chopped it back two years ago, and this year I got 44 Mangoes.  They are on my room divider and while I will eat most, many will end up as Mango Jam. 

The recipe for Mango Jam is here.  It is trivial to make and I will be canning them for later use.  I don't buy much Jams and Jellies here.  I have a Lemon Curd recipe that is simply awesome for any citrus jam that I can make in the Microwave.  

Has anyone found any Key Limes?  I really don't want to try to find room for another tree!

I also have friends who know I strongly prefer homemade to store bought so I get a Care Package from time to time.

But that first picture of the tree?  That's what I had before the Harvest, and this one here is how far I cut it back.  I'd say by half.  I doubt I will get enough to make Jam from next year.

Got a tree I can pick from next year?  Much obliged!

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest. He seriously misunderstood the objective.

Ok, this is a long one, but it is a good one.  One of those stories where it keeps you on the edge and pulls you in before you get the pay off at the end. 



The Devil sat at the gates of hell.

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man signed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it’s only Thursday.

Ok, so we all want a Genie and three wishes but...


Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "I am a genie who was stuck in a glass bottle for many years. It's thanks to you two, who ended up breaking the bottle, that I was got freedom. So, as a reward, I'll give you two wishes. But I'll keep the last one for myself. If that's okay with you, then ask away. " Hearing this, the man excitedly replied," Wow! In that case, my first wish is that I want to have a Ferrari. And my next wish is that I should get a billion dollars! "

The genie replied," Done and done! You'll find a Ferrari and a billion dollars when you go back home! Now, as for my wish, I want to sleep with your beautiful wife over here. "

The couple thought for a while and decided that allowing this much was fine after what he had given them.

So the man went inside the house, turned on the TV and started watching the football game that was coming,while the wife followed the genie upstairs to the bedroom.

When the reached the door, the genie said, "Ma'am, how old is your husband?"

The wife replied, "He's 26, why do you ask?"

The genie said, "When do you think that he'll be old enough to stop believing in genies?"

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

So After Thirteen Years Of This Blog Stuff, What Do You Like?

I was just on the back porch turning it into a PVC Foundry.  I have a special need for a specific shape of pipe and I was realizing that it was time to come in.  I didn't have anything loaded in the blog for Wednesday, and wanted to rectify that.

After all, in a nearly 90 degree day under a tin roof, running a propane stove is not the most comfortable thing to do.  

Partially Melting PVC pipe is not a common pursuit unless you are trying to fit conduit into a specific bend in the world, so it was time to come in and shower off. 

Hey, I could have "accidentally" fallen into the pool, accidentally.  It's 84F in the water, and we hardly ever use the blasted thing.

But I have been doing this blog thing since 2009 and it gave me an excuse to do some naval gazing.   You see, the weekend posts are jokes that I have enjoyed at some weird level.  They are surprisingly well read, and there are people who come back and read them on here and the Wordpress mirror of the blog.

Over the past year, this is the sort of thing that you and others have been reading.

Not that everyone has a need to use Linux, but there are always some hits on my Linux posts every day.  In fact there is a hunger for verified information about the third most popular operating system on the desktop and laptop, and I am quite comfortable giving it.

Number 1 and 10 were people trying to get their Tap To Click working on their Debian laptops.  I exclusively use Linux for my own purposes, and many of you have left Windows behind because you ... I Won't Stand On A Soapbox much with this, but it runs faster, does more with less, and all the software is completely free. 

Free Software?  What a concept!

1 - For Debian 10 How To Get Tap To Click Back

10 For Debian 9 How To Get Tap To Click Back

Number 2 was for people who have the same problem I do with the tub.  It has settled over the years and we had to install a Backer Rod.  I've done this a couple times since I originally wrote the article and I stand behind it.

Number 3 was How To Syringe Feed Your Dog with Chronic Renal Failure.  This is something every dog owner will eventually decide if they can do.  I did with my girl Lettie and we gave her an extra year to live using it.  I refuse to feed Rack any commercial dog food as a result, and he's eating as well as I personally do.  I have been on what I call a Training Diet longer than most have been alive and it is working for both of us.

Number 4 is How to Fix your Ruined Cream Cheese Out of the Freezer.  Yes, I cook a lot, and most things get dropped directly into the freezer.  Once I tried to freeze cream cheese.  Don't, it makes a mess and the cheese "breaks".

Number 5 - Gold Medal Flour - Extraordinary Buttermilk Biscuits Recipe  I use this blog as a scratchpad for life.  All my recipes come here and if I really like them, I will refine them with hints.  This was one of the recipes.

Number 6 - So You Want To Drive Across The County For a Bolt?  The Broken Poang Story.  It is one of those Flight Of Fancy Stories that we all have inside of ourselves.  Ikea's Poang Chair fits me amazingly.  It does not fit everyone.  I am 6'4" and 213 athletic pounds, this morning.  I like the chair so much that I have three of the things, including one rocker.  They will give you parts, if they are missing and the Allen key you use to build Ikea furniture is so useful that it actually fits my inline skates.

Number 7 - Propagating Ruellia.  These things are so easy they will propagate themselves, but if you want some in your property, here's how to make more from a cutting.

Number 8 - The Mango Jam Recipe.  Season is coming up and I need more Mango!  MORE!!!! WE LOVE MANGO!!!  And this is how I have the stuff until Winter.  If you have a mango tree on your property, and are nearby, let me pick a bucket and I'll gift you some preserves back.  Limited Time Only, FOB My Front Porch, blah-blah-blah-weasel-words.

And Finally

Number 9 - Killing the Night Blooming Jasmine With Kindness.  I have never gotten this plant to propagate, which is unfortunate.  The flowers are beautiful and scented.  You can add the dried blossoms to tea and it makes some wonderful tea.  The plants we have are being replaced with Iguana Resistant Hibiscus.  People seem to find this article around this time of year most heavily.

So that's it.  I only do this sort of post infrequently.  I do have some pictures in the camera that I will get on here eventually but for now I think my morning coffee has to be refilled!

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Why does the dog wag its tail? Because the tail can't wag the dog!

 I'm safe.  The dog has not come by to sniff my elbow yet but we will be going out for a walk... soon.

This is a story of Aunt Karen.  Now, I am sure this was before the name picked up the rather nasty connotation that it has today.  And every Karen I have met has been an interesting woman.

To date...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

Saturday, May 1, 2021

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose? Ham Boogers!

 Ok THAT title would have been a riot when you were 10, admit it!

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

And of course you have to follow that one with a story about a farmer and a lawyer and hilarity shall ensue.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...
Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,
"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an extremely prestigious school and am partner in a large firm, we mostly deal in corporate you know but...) anyway, I wonder if you wouldn't be a decent little chap about it and let me have it. Being a lawyer, I know the law, that I'm to ask the landowners permission before I retrieve game."

Farmer Joe looks over the lawyer's shoulder and sees the pheasant.
"Well... it is a pretty nice one. Tell you what, we can play Ro-sham-Bo for it. Winner keeps it"

The Lawyer is taken aback
"RO-SHAM-BO? I'm afraid in all my years in prestigious law schools, I'm afraid I never encountered the concept. What are the rules?

"Well," the farmer began, "we each take turns kicking each other in the bollocks, the one who gives up first loses."

The lawyer doesn't like the sound of this at all, but he really wants the pheasant.
"Alright, I'll do it. Err... whom goes first?"

"I kick first cos its my land" says the farmer, simply.
The lawyer consents to stand in the porch, legs apart, and braces himself. Farmer Joe takes several steps back, breaks in to a run, and then swings his boot full force at the lawyer's crotch.

Lifted full off the ground, the lawyer crumples into a yelping, weeping heap, and takes a couple of minutes to get his bearings back, sobbing and cursing on the floor, before slowly straining to stand.

"Very well." Remarks the lawyer, "My turn."
"Nah, you can keep the pheasant" replies farmer Joe, and slams the door.