Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Rack and Oscar's Visitor At The Door

This was One Of Those Moments.
One Of Those Moments where you just have to scratch your head in confusion, and laugh.

It all started when I got the house to myself for a long week.  About 10 days.

I was rattling around by myself through the holidays, and December 27th, that was going to end.

Boxing Day, December 26th, I had to pick things up.  It was time to stop being a bachelor, and to begin to clean the house.

Living in South Florida, there is a fine layer of dust and sand that gets all over things.  You don't notice it at first, but you start looking behind things and under things and on top of things that you forgot to look, and there it is.  A layer.  Sometimes there are whole civilizations of dust mites living in it. 

You get used to it, so you periodically "Deep Clean" things.

But in just a week, there's enough that it needs to happen.  Move the furniture around, clean where it was, and move it all back.  Normal boring crap.  However that means that it would get loud. 

Oscar Likes Loud.  Oscar, my Orange Wing Amazon Parrot will make noises with anything in the house.  It could be a pencil dropped on the floor, he will chatter to it.  He laughs like I do, says "What?" in appropriate times, and believes that "Hello?!?!?" is an appropriate response to food. 

As in "Hello, you had better be bringing me some or else I will get louder". 

Louder can be heard a half mile away.  You don't want that.  He does "Louder" when the vacuum is run.  The vacuum would be run through the entire house today. 

"Oscar, want to play with the Hawks?"

I put Oscar out on the front porch on Aunt Betty's white plastic table.  She gave it to me with two chairs when she went back Up North and there it sits.  It was pristine when I got it, now three years of Dust later, it isn't. 

Did I say that the dust is from the beaches 2 and a half miles away?
Did I say that the dust is also from The Bahamas about 120 miles east of me?
Did I say that the dust also comes from The Sahara Desert half a world away?

Yes, really.  And it all got cleaned up.

I got out the vacuum and did the house.  Yes, even under the tv table cart and the couch.  All the chihuahua dog worth of loose dog fur were vacuumed away.  You never knew that a McNab Dog would shed so much, after all, he only has one coat and no undercoat.

At that point things got weirder.  I managed to mop the kitchen fairly quickly, and started on the dining room when I noticed that Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) was acting concerned.  "Concerned" in most dogs will mean they might grumble or even bark.  Not with Rack.  He just stares holes through you with twin yellow-green laser beamed eyes as he melts your heart with curiosity.

Or in this case urgency.  He plopped himself in the middle of the living room staring at me.

I looked past him through the big window noticing that Oscar was not being bothered by anyone.

"Rack, I'm going to need that room soon."

Rack looked at me again as if to say "You had better check the door".  He's great for delegating responsibility since he's afraid of his own shadow.

I went back to finishing the dining room.

Straightening out my own frame and blocking off the dining room, I found out what was going on.  The house had visitors. 

Rack retreated to The Corner where he hides but was keeping an eye on both me and Oscar.
Oscar was looking at something just out of view and lunging at it. 

And there it was.  A Muscovy Duck.

Mind you, these ducks are completely harmless.  Since they're Outdoor Animals, they probably have all sorts of things that I don't want Oscar getting so I watched.  But instead of going to the door and shooing the creature away, I realized it was watching both me, and Oscar. 

I reached for the camera and squeezed off a couple pictures hoping that the light in the window wouldn't wash things out too badly.  It did and I would find that out later.

But there I was.  I was locked in another Wild Kingdom moment.  My house was visited by the ducks again.  This wasn't a surprise, we've got dozens of them.  I am only a short couple blocks from the nearest river and they never quite leave the neighborhood.  They are non-aggressive and harmless.  Since they eat the grubs in the grass, I can even say they're beneficial.

They're certainly entertaining, but I never expected them to come quite this close.

There was one a while back that decided that since I hardly ever drive my Jeep, it would roost under it.  I became a foster parent to a brood of baby ducks that would hide under there from the neighbor's formerly outdoor cats.  Not wanting to disturb them, I would always make certain that I could get outside quietly and go about my business.

Rack doesn't seem to mind them, but understands that they don't belong on the porch.

Like this rather curious one. 

It hopped onto the porch to see what this green parrot, Oscar, was doing on Betty's table, and discovered that there was me indoors watching it, and Rack watching all of us being confused.

I squeezed off a few shots more, turning on the flash for the last one.

The duck had had enough at that point when I tried to walk to the door.  It slowly turned around and walked back under the Jeep.  It had to be a part of the brood here.

So that's the thing.  You may have been used to living around nature, but nature never quite leaves you here in South Florida.  Sometimes it even pays a visit.

I went back to my cleaning and by the time I was done, it was wandering off the neighbor's property.

Nice to have a little visit when you're ready for a break from doing things, isn't it?

Sunday, December 27, 2015

A Man Gets Drunk - and - A Man In Ecstacy

A Man gets drunk and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.

The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.

'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'
'No mate, I haven't'

The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.
'Now have you found Jesus?'
'Nah bro, I haven't.'

The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.

The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

A Man In Ecstacy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and and and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

Saturday, December 26, 2015

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced.

To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them.

He tells the three interviewees, "So this building we're in, any idea how tall it is, down to the inch?" All three shake their heads.

Turning to the first he says, so if I gave you an accurate barometer, how would you determine the height?
The engineer pauses and says, "Well, I'd measure the pressure difference between the roof and ground, use that to find the change in altitude".

Nodding, the interviewer turns to the second candidate. "And you? How would you measure this?",

"Well" says the second engineer, "I would measure the shadow cast by the barometer and the shadow cast by the building. We know the length of one, we can find the length of the other".

"Very good!" said the interviewer, finally turning to the last engineer. "And you?"

After a moment's thought the third engineer finally says, "I think I'd just find the building manager, offer to give him a shiny new barometer if he told me how tall the building is."

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Podocarpus, Ladybugs, and The Farm

Lately I have been rattling around in my back yard.

I have been rattling around there so much that I have an area I have taken to calling The Farm.

At least that is what The Internet has started.

About a year or so ago, I got the bright idea to start propagating plants.  I have an irrigation chain on the lawn that is perfect for this.  Each sprinkler head puts out a gallon of water or less an hour.  Think of it as what you would do with a watering can.

On a farm, this would be considered Drip Feed Irrigation. 

There are about 10 pots on that chain, plus the orchids.  It saves me from pretending that I have it in me at dawn to be out there with a hose every day.  I may be up at 5AM, but I am not that crazy.

Mind you, plants in pots don't have a long lifespan.  Sometimes the pots just "up and die".  Other times, they're helped by critters.  Snakes don't bother them, but Iguanas, Opossums, and domestic animals may.  Like my Damn Neighbor's Damn Cat.  Not only have I caught it on my Jeep and inside it, I have caught it inside the pots.

Never mind that blasted cat, I had pots to fill.

I went through a number of iterations of Mexican Petunia, or Ruellia.  I planted so many that I had to stop.  It filled in the border next to the fence on the East side of the property nicely and I have deep green leaves and purple flowers every day.

I then stopped and thought, what would help?  My hedge on the West side was dying.  It needed things to fill in the gaps.  At that point, I had about four pots to start, so I filled one with Podocarpus.  Japanese Yew.  I'd snip off about a six inch portion, dip it in rooting hormone, and stick it in the pot.  

While they grow slowly under that condition, they did grow.  I was surprised to find that I got about 3/4 of them rooting.   I would lose another quarter when they got transplanted, and another quarter after that.  Apparently they didn't like the area that the hedge was in either.

Then, months later, I got The Bright Idea.  Why not just stick them in the ground at the hedge?  Why bother with the pot?   That drip feed irrigation line is under the hedge as well, but is mainly turned off.  Lets try.

Remember that I call this The Farm - I planted 100 Podocarpus cuttings under the existing hedge.  Densely packed.  I did it over three days. 

The third day of Cut/Dip/Stick, I noticed something.  The Podocarpus had visitors.  There was a bit of a white dusting of mites over the newer pieces, exactly what I needed to plant.  But feeding on the white dusting were dozens, or perhaps hundreds, of Ladybugs. 

My hedge was covered with hundreds of miniature Volkswagen Beetle looking creatures all happily gorging themselves on much less beneficial mites.


So I merely cut around the Ladybugs.   They would get disturbed and flutter off, sometimes landing back on the plant, other times on me.  No problem there.  I knew how helpful they can be, since they love to dine on Aphids, and if you ever tried to grow ornamental Hibiscus, you know that you will eventually end up with Aphids.

As for my Hedge?  Well I'm about a month into the whole Farm thing.  I'm finding that about 3/4 of the hundred cuttings look like they're still alive.  I'll leave them be.  Since the Ladybugs cleaned off the parent plants, I have healthy Podocarpus in the yard.  I will give the Ladybugs the credit for that.  I always thought that Podocarpus were about as close to "Carefree Plants" as I could get in South Florida's bizarre conditions, and I suspect that as long as they're found by the beneficial insects, I'm right.

Since the area that I am planting created an empty zone, I'm having a bit of a victory.  More accurately, a Victory Garden.  You see, one of those Internet memes was if you cut the tops off your carrots, you can stick them in the ground and get more carrots.  They're growing out there too, right in front of the Podocarpus and the dying Jasmine Hedge.

Just keep the critters away.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.

And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Saturday, December 19, 2015

A Young Couple, Just Married

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and they were way to thin.

"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties."

She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Belle Isle Bird

Have you ever thought that you were being followed?

I don't do the tourist thing all that often.

I live in a place where depending what you are looking for, you can find it.  Sometimes you can find what you're looking for in your own town, sometimes you have to get in the car and drive a little bit.

I'm about two and a half miles from the ocean.  Two and a half miles North of downtown Fort Lauderdale.  I could walk to one or the other.  I could easily ride a bike or skate to either.  Actually, I know my fitness level, I could ride a bike or skate to both in one afternoon since that isn't really that big of a workout.

Nothing quite so exciting that day.  I just wanted to go out to Wilton Drive.  With in a leisurely stroll of the house there are quite a few shops.  I actually am looking for something that you would want to get at a thrift shop, and we have three of them within about a half mile of where I am sitting right now.

I wanted a Pizza Steel.  I didn't find one.  A Pizza Steel is a slab of metal that you put in your oven.  Turn the oven on to "Good-And-Hot" and let the oven come up to temperature.  Then you slide your pizza onto it.  Anything you cook on that would get a crispy bottom.

Since I hadn't found one, I have been using a rather thick aluminum cookie sheet.  It works, but I'd prefer more "mass".

So I left the house.  Noticing that there was this goofy white bird feeding on the lawn across the street, I started heading out to The Drive.  I didn't think all that much of the bird, we've got lots of wading birds here in town.  They tend to fly out overhead as the afternoon begins to wane to go out to the Everglades fifteen miles West, or just any other little waterway nearby.  There's a lot of water in South Florida to manage, and it has been managed.  Badly.

I got to the first thrift store, walked in, did my browsing.  No Pizza Steel.  Nothing I could hack to use as a Pizza Steel.  I did notice that there was another one of those white birds standing there in the lawn feeding, and watching me.

Thinking, that's odd but harmless, I headed to the second thrift store.  Still no Pizza Steel.  Damn.  But there was a bird again.  Ok, this is getting weird.   I walked a little closer to it and it watched me.  Deciding that neither of us were getting anything out of this bird watching, I headed to the last thrift.  This one is the one that is there to benefit the animals, and as a result I like to shop there whenever I can.

But no Pizza Steel.  I'll have to keep using the cookie sheet.  It is a very thick aluminum sheet, and will crisp the bottom of the pies, but it isn't quite what I want.

You guessed it.  When I headed out, my bird was back.  Now, I can't tell one from another.  They're all paper white with orange beak and bright eyes that watch you back.  It was a strange coincidence.  It just stood there, on top of the little hedge watching me.

Now, to anyone else, these birds are wary.  They'll waddle off when you come near or even fly away.  Not this bird.  It waited for me to get as many pictures as I wanted.  Standing there on top of the hedge, it seemed to like the attention as I fired off more pictures.

Sure, little white bird.  You're happy to be seen.  I guess it knew I was harmless.  What got me though was that coincidence.  We've got quite a few of these birds around.  They're like Starlings up North sometimes.  You'll see great herds of them hunting for grubs in the lawns, especially untreated lawns.  But four separate shops on a heavily traveled road with little greenery?

Where's Alfred Hitchcock when you need him.  I think I have a story idea for him.

Oh wait, it's been done?

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Bring Me My Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

A Teacher Gave Her Fifth Grade Class An Assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Pecan Chocolate Bar Recipe

I wanted a Chocolate Bar.  There weren't any in the house, but being someone who bakes regularly, I had an industrial sized bag of Chocolate Chips in the cabinets along with a likewise sized bag of Pecan pieces.

I got the bright idea to try to do something with it all.

First of all, Chocolate is not generally "Cooked" when the stuff is in chip form.  You melt it, shape it, add ingredients to it, but it is normally done at low temperatures.  It melts at 30C/86F.  If you cook it at too high a heat, it turns into something nasty and scorches. 

If you want to do all that, all you really have to do is microwave it in bursts.

The recipe:
  • 2 ounces (56 Grams) Chocolate Chips - Any kind, your preference.
  • 1 Ounce (28 Grams) Pecan pieces - small bits are fine.
  • Add both the Pecans and the Chocolate Chips to a small microwave safe bowl.  I used a two-cup coffee mug.
  • Microwave the mix on high for 60 seconds.
  • Check the mix to make sure the chocolate has melted.
  • If not - Repeat this step until the chocolate has melted - Microwave for 30 seconds, then mix and inspect for smoothness.
  • When the mix is smooth and even, spread it out thin on a piece of Baking Parchment, greased aluminum foil, or other flat surface such as a dinner plate
  • Set in refrigerator until cool and the chocolate has set.
  • Serves 2
  • Instead of Pecans, I have done this with toasted Coconut and with Macadamia Nuts
  • You can also try a mix of fruit and nuts.
  • With Pecans, this recipe is 200 calories, approximately. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

A Guy Is Caught Eating A Bald Eagle

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods.
I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks.
I was so hungry. 
Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.
I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish.
Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle.
I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

 Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
udge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Moving House - and - A Man Pulled Over By The Police

Joe is moving to a new house, and he gets his friend Walter to help load some heavy furniture on and off the truck.

While Joe is driving the truck, Walter reads a magazine.

Walter sees an interesting factoid, and decides to share it with Joe. "Hey Joe, did you know that 90% of all auto accidents happen within a mile of your house?"

And Joe says "huh... Well, guess it's a good thing I'm moving then."

A Man Gets Pulled Over By The Police

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Devil Toad With Pizza

What can you say other than It's Florida being Florida.

What I mean by that is that we've got wildlife.  It lives with us, whether we want it or not.

It was here first, then we came along and screwed things up.

After all "Boca Raton" means Mouth Mouse in literal Spanish, just like Florida refers to the land of flowers it still is.

I love the idea that all these people acting Posh live in a town named after mice, but that's just me.

Watching the security cameras here, and for that matter anywhere, overnight, you spot a lot of creatures.  Raccoons, Opossums, and Spiders are a daily occurrence.  They belong.

Then there are the introduced species.  Boa Constrictors in the Everglades share space with Ball Pythons.  They're clearing the place of native species while we speak.

Other creatures like cats are doing damage by being out and about and emptying nests of the birds that actually belong.   If you love your pet, keep them indoors or on a leash.  It's common sense, and it is the law here in Wilton Manors.  If it is off leash off property, it's a stray.

But these toads.  The Bufo Toads or Cane Toads.  They're poisonous and have been known to kill a dog. They're one reason why when I let Rack out, I have a flashlight at night.  We walk along the roads next to the grass since there are no sidewalks for the most part here.  Shine a light at the grass to make sure there are no toads around.

Rack has a very weak prey drive, but who knows when it will kick in.  One lick and he's done for.  It would be a trip to the e-vet after using the hose to flush out his mouth while we get him into the car, most likely convulsing.

But this one toad?

You see they sometimes hang out in the parking lots in the storm drains.  They will come out at night and forage.  Foraging is fine, just give them room.  In this case, there was a crust of pizza discarded into the brush next to the building.  The toad found it and tried to eat it.  I say tried because it didn't seem to have any luck.  I could tell you which pizza joint it is that it was eating a crust from, but I'll refrain.

It's not often you come across a poisonous toad by the wall of a building eating a piece of pizza crust just before dawn on an October morning, but when you do, stop and take notice and think about just how weird the place is that you're at.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The Magician and the Parrot

There's this cruise ship and there's a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight.

The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything.

"ohh, he's puttin' it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk"
"he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk"
"its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk."

And the magician just hated this bird.

One night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked.

The bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tank and blows the ship to a billion pieces.

The only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little pieces of wood.

... and the parrot goes "Alright I give up. Wheres the damn ship?".

Saturday, November 28, 2015

A Sweet Couple - and - Of Dogs and Sausages

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a married person's T-Shirt : "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

 Of Dogs and Sausages

America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.
At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.
I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.
He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On days like that, he's a hot hot hot dog dog.
One day my friend asked me why my pet was engorging himself on its favorite food in the middle of the summer. I said to him, "He's a hot hot hot dog dog, dawg."

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving

We're having a bird.  Actually a chicken, but it's close.  Someone in the house hates turkey, and frankly I'd rather not have a freezer stuffed with a 17 pound carcass worth of meat plus all the soup I'd have to convince myself to make.

It's easier anyway to cut the bird up before cooking, then only cook what you want.  That way you don't have dried out turkey that nobody wants sitting around for months.

Now, mind you, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) will not be having any of it.  The chicken will be cooked with Onions, and they're toxic to dogs.  Chicken makes him sick because he's got a grain allergy.

Sorry Pup, you're noing to have to settle for your usual dog food!

In fact, there really isn't anything that will be on the typical Thanksgiving table that you should feed to your dog.  It either has too much fat, sugar, seasoning, or is just downright Toxic.

Here is a list of ten foods to avoid feeding your pets.

So if you do celebrate the day, do enjoy it.  If you don't you can enjoy it however you normally would.

But for me, the night before, I'm going back to watching TV in Spanish to practice.  See, I've been doing that all day and it's getting easier.

Oh, and make sure that you bird has been thawed appropriately.  If not, fill the sink and plug it with luke warm water and put it in the water.  The water will "draw off" the cold and bring it up to temperature faster - you do not want to use hot water since it will cook it, and even breed bacteria.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Crows - and - a Young Engineer

Recently biologists have noted that more crows have been getting killed by vehicles on major trucking highways than on normal roads. After tire print and impact analysis, they determined that these crows are being killed by large trucks, not cars.

One especially bright scientist came up with a hypothesis.

These crows always post a sentry while they eat roadkill to warn them of any approaching traffic.

The problem lies neither in the sentry nor the larger body of crows, but in miscommunication.

The crows have learned to say "Car! Car!" but they have not learned how to say "Truck! Truck!"

A Young Engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,

"I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Adam and Eve - and - Who is calling

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 Who is Calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Jim answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Guard Duck and Jeep

I literally could not leave the house.

My view from my front door was clear, and clearly blocked.

The new Impact Glass front door is very open, if the glass was not in the door, I could easily walk through it.  I have a much more open view of the world now.

On the other hand, if I can see out, others can see IN.

I've gotten more careful with what I am doing inside the house, privacy's sake, I'll call it.

After all, there are certain things you may need to do that you don't necessarily want to be on view when you do it.  There's a coating on the glass that makes it slightly darker inside than out, and if I haven't cleaned it, it's actually reflective.

All that aside, I've got a new habit as well.  Even though the old jalousies would block some of the view with horizontal lines, I have great big panes of impact glass across the front of my house.  Of course that's not really relevant, I want to go to the front door and look out.

This one particular time I walked to the front door ready to walk outside and looked out at the Jeep.  I saw a duck guarding it.

Mind you she, and I think it's a she because of the coloring, didn't seem to care.   She just sat there under the trailer hitch watching me and doing a threat assessment.

I was not a threat.  She stayed put.  My trip would wait a bit.

These Muscovy Ducks are semi-domesticated, and I have seen them everywhere I have ever been up and down the east coast.  They're always aware of you, and will move out of your way if you get too close, but sometimes you really do have to get close to move them on.

The other day, a duck that could have been this one, was sitting on the side of the house.  Just to the other side of the Jeep is a little area about the size of an adult's bed.  There's my Orange tree in it, and it is mulched with Rubber Mulch.  It makes for a nice soft place to step. 

There were also two other friends of that duck sitting there.   Three of the creatures.

I came bounding around the Jeep to use the trash cans and they didn't like my approach.  I guess seeing 6'4" of man coming at you at a trot puts a duck a bit off.  

Two of the ducks tried to fly off.  It didn't work.  They had to get past me to get to the clear and the gap between the Jeep, the roof, and the fence at the property line was about as far as an adult man could stretch his arms.

Not quite enough.

I had my hands full of trash, there were two freaked out ducks flapping around randomly on the pavement trying to get away, and the third duck wasn't too happy about the situation either.

All three got past me as I dropped my trash in the big blue bin, and left the property. 

For a couple days, I was Duckless.  I had no Ducks. 

I guess you could say I couldn't give a duck.

Or not.

They started coming back, just as if nothing had happened before. 

So I have my ducks back.  In fact, this particular duck checked in on me after that picture was taken. 

Yes, you guessed it, it walked up to the door to see where I had gone.  Pressed its little duck bill against the glass wondering why it couldn't walk through it.

If I can't walk through that glass, little duck, you certainly can't.

Now, could you please move?  The Jeep needs to go somewhere, and so do I.

No Bake Two Ingredient Lemon Pie

As is, this recipe is not a light one.  About 500 calories a slice.  If you're wanting something lighter, and still want to enjoy an excellent lemon pie, use 1/2 the ingredients.  It will bring the calorie count down below 300 calories a 1/6 pie slice.

Or So. 

But, there was a day I wanted pie.  Lemon Pie.  I went through my cabinets and didn't find the ingredients I was looking for.  Then I got online and found this recipe somewhere.  Actually a couple different somewheres, so I won't attribute it to one particular site.

Now, while it was a good pie, the Lemon Juice I used was quite strong, so I will cut back the lemon juice a bit.  Maybe 5 ounces instead of 6.

It's dead easy.

Empty two cans of Sweetened Condensed Milk into a large mixing bowl.
Lick the stuff off your fingers.  After all 2 cans, 14 ounces each, always leaves some goo on your fingers.
Add 3/4 cup of fresh Lemon Juice to the mixing bowl.
Stir or whisk the two ingredients together until even and smooth.
Pour the filling into a ready made pie crust.
Chill in the fridge for at least 2 hours.
Serve with Whipped Cream, yes even the canned stuff.

Want me to write it out traditionally?


  • 2 Cans (14 ounces each) Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • 3/4 cup of fresh Lemon Juice.  I used the bottled stuff, it was a bit strong so I will cut back next time.


  • To large mixing bowl, add 2 cans Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • Add 3/4 cup Lemon Juice to the Sweetened Condensed Milk.
  • Whisk until even and smooth.
  • Add to ready made graham cracker pie crust.
  • Chill for 2 hours at least.
  • Serve with Whipped Cream.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Johnny and the Priest - and Twins!

Johnny and the Priest

Little Johnny is standing in front of a store waiting for his mother when a priest walks by.

"Hey boy, can you tell me which way is the post office?"
"Sure, it's just 200 yards straight down the street."

"Thank you. I'm a new priest in this town you know. Do you perhaps go to church?"

"Well you should come sometime. I could show you the path to heaven."
"Oh come on, you don't even know the path to the post office."


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.

Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Doctor and the Bunny

The Doctor and the Bunny
A doctor is driving home one dark and stormy night. A few yards ahead, a rabbit bolts out from the forest. Try as he may, the doctor couldn’t stop in time and he struck the rabbit.

An animal lover, the good doctor leaped from the car to see if he could help the little guy.
But the rabbit was not responsive.

He ran back to the car to get his medical bag, but then realized that he was driving his wife’s car, and so his bag would not be there.
He reached into the glove box and pulled out what he thought was a bottle of water.

Returning to the bunny, he carefully lifted its little head and helped it sip from the bottle.

To his amazement, the bunny sprang back to life. The bunny gave him a big wave and then hopped off. It stopped a few feet away and then waved again. Bounding up the hill, once again the little bunny waved.

Astonished by the remarkable recovery, the doctor looked at bottle in his hand and read the label out loud, “Hair restorer with permanent wave.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Butterflies and Mango Trees

Walking out to the backyard, nature will present itself.  Always take a camera.

Mind you, opportunities to take a picture of nature in South Florida are common. 

I didn't expect just how common it was when I made the decision to pitch it all in Philly, and fly to Florida for a new home.

Having had Black Racer Snakes in my Florida Room, more lizards than I can count on any given wall both inside and outside of the house, and spiders that are larger than a small car in the eaves, I have grown both amused and expectant of the creatures.

After all, I ran a Frog Hotel for quite a few years until the Impact Windows got put in.  The frogs left and I am disappointed that they haven't come back.

This particular afternoon, I was being dive bombed.

Oh sure, there were Monarchs everywhere as usual.  After all there were two caterpillars turning one plant into sticks at the same time.

This was something different.  This Orange and Black creature was not a Monarch.  It was a different kind of Florida Butterfly.  It was insistent that I follow it.  After all, it was orbiting my head like stars after a cartoon character gets hit in the head by an anvil.

No, I mean literally orbiting my head.  Round and round as I walked past the spa.

I got about half way down the yard and it left me.  The silly creature fluttered over to my Mango tree and parked itself there. 

The Mango was a tree that was imprisoned in too small a pot for years until I finally freed it by chopping the pot away from its roots.  On a very hot day, I dug a hole in the yard and stuck it into the ground.  They say it is a Condo Mango and won't get more than 10 to 15 feet tall or so, so I'm hoping. 

The Mango immediately showed its appreciation by dropping almost every old leaf and then following with a complete coat of deep green leaves.  It's a very happy plant that went green almost in a day.


The butterfly decided it liked it too.  It was there, on a Mango leaf and I swear it turned its head to watch me.  Reaching into my pocket, I was able to get exactly one picture out of the encounter.  Then the little orange and black creature fluttered away.  Over the house and into the beyond to live out its fluttery existence.

"One is all you get" it seemed to say.

Wildlife encounters are best when the wildlife insists on a selfie before it goes.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A Panda Walks Into A Bar
He sits down at a table and orders a bowl of soup.

After eating his soup, the panda gets up from his table, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter in the head and walks out of the restaurant.

The manager comes running out after the panda and yells, "Hey! Get back here!"
The panda turns to the manager and the manager asks, "What in the world was that all about? You come to my restaurant, eat, shoot my waiter in the head and then walk out without paying! Who do you think you are?"

"I'm a panda...look it up..."
The manager returns to his restaurant and gets a dictionary from his office to look up "panda."
Panda: (noun) large mammal, native to China. Characteristic black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves...

Saturday, November 7, 2015

A Man and a Dog Walk Into A Bar

So a man walks into a bar with his dog, and the bartender says " sorry, you can't bring your dog in here, i don't want to clean up after him".
The man says " its ok, the dog is trained" so he lets him in

A second man and his dog walks in, and the bartender says " sorry mate, you can't have a dog in here".
And the second man says "he's trained its ok" so he lets him in

Then a third man walks in with dark glasses and a dog, the bartender says "hey man, i don't know what your doing but you can't bring the dog in with you"
And the man replies " but I'm blind, i can't move around with my seeing eye dog!"

The bartender says " mate, there is no way that chihuahua is a seeing eye dog"
The blind man looks confused and says "hold on, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The View From The Ground

It was a rare morning I slept in.

Instead of being up two hours before dawn, like usual, I was up just a bit before sunrise.

I hauled my own self out of the house, faithful sidekick, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) by my side.

It was Dog Walk Time.

Rack had done his little oddball quirk with squeezing between my legs to get into his harness, I had a fist full of plastic bags in my pocket and we were on our way.

I was out walking around and noticed that the clouds were towering all over the place.  It had been rainy lately, quite rainy in fits and starts.  One day there was 6 inches of rain from a tropical storm that collapsed into a collection of unattached thunderstorms.  The next there were the usual popup storms that show up because South Florida really is a city built on river banks.  The water flows South from Orlando, into Lake Okeechobee or Lake O as we call it here, and eventually out into the Florida Bay.  It can take years to get there, moving at only a few inches an hour, but it is moving and therefore a river and not a swamp.

Didn't know that huh?

I rounded the corner off Wilton Drive and spotted some other clouds towering over the landscape.  That particular stretch of the walk is more open.

When I rounded the corner again and was able to look East toward the sunrise, I stopped.  Mind you, it isn't often that I stop and stare at the clouds.   This was different.  There was an airplane flying well over the ground off in the distance.  It was silhouetted against that towering cloud that was just off shore.  Hundreds of people aboard living their own lives, off to an adventure far away.  The airport is about 8 miles South of me.  The runways are situated East-West to take advantage of the always present breezes off the shore.  Coming in for a landing, they will slow you down.  Taking off, they will help you get there.  You fly off over the ocean in an eye blink and climb well before you get to The Bahamas.  There the paths diverge and people head on into their lives.

That silhouetted story spoke to me as I had someone snap out of my own reverie.

"Beautiful sunrise isn't it?  Those clouds are amazing!"
"Yes!  I'm not often up this late, so I'm glad I got to see it!"

Towering clouds adding their own drama to the brightening sunrise, the city became awake around me.

Rack sat at my feet as I pulled my camera out to take a picture, then we went on our way.

Just one of those hundreds of unseen little stories that go on around you each day.  Some of them even involve stopping and staring at a giant stack of cotton candy clouds.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Speeding Motorists

Gorbachev had issued a nationwide crackdown on speeding motorists. Punishment meant instant arrest and a jail term. "I don't care if it's the head of the KGB," Gorbachev announced.

A few days later, Gorbachev overslept at his country dacha and was about to miss an important meeting. After dressing, he told his driver that he would have to speed to make it on time.

Gorbachev to driver: "I issued this order, and they just might stop you, so why don't you move over and I'll drive?"
Watching Gorbachev sail down the road a few minutes later were two policemen, a veteran and a rookie.

Veteran: "You go up to the car and tell those people they're under arrest."
The rookie did so, but returned empty handed.

Rookie: "We just can't arrest those people."
Veteran: "Well, why not?"

Rookie: "That man is just too important."

Veteran: "Well, he couldn't be that important. Who in the world is he?"
Rookie: "I don't know who he is, but his driver is Gorbachev."

Saturday, October 31, 2015


Two rednecks go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed.

One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Watching The World - From My Lap

I invited this particular situation.

I called Rack up.

He's a bony creature, athletic and muscular.

But he's all dog, and he knows where to stay to be comfortable.

Calling Rack up onto my lap, something that a farmer with a Cowdog would find bizarre, is something I do occasionally.

After all, I don't have quite as much free time as I did once.  But Rack likes it. 

It starts with a perk.

"Hey Rack, Come on!  Up!"

His ears are up, smiling, and his head is alert.

"Wanna come up?"

Standing up, Rack will stretch his body, part dog, part rubber bands.

One paw comes up onto the arm of the recliner to ask for permission.  Always knowing his place in the pack, the Beta Dog asks the Alpha Dog if he really is allowed his place.

"Come on, Boy!  Come on up!"

First comes the other paw, then Rack drapes himself over the arm of the chair.  A large overstuffed recliner, Rack melds with the padding, melts over the side and partially into my lap.

As time goes by and I'm petting him, he pulls more and more of himself over the edge and fully onto the chair.  It really is too small for the both of us, but he doesn't mind.  It won't be forever after all.

But this particular day, he decided that he'd sit bolt upright.  On me, and look out the window. 

There he sat, watching the world go by, just like I do each time I sit there on display.  The big window made from Impact Glass, safe from the storms, watching people walk past sometimes looking in, sometimes not.

We wave at the neighbors as they go by, watch the butterflies and dragonflies on the wing, and the world going by is not such a scary place for a timid dog.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

There Was A Man In The 1800s

There was a man in the 1800s who had no arms,no money and no home.

Wanting to improve his quality of life he goes in seach of a job.

He goes to the local butcher shop and asks for a job.  The butcher says that he cant cut meat and he doesn't get the job.

He then goes to the local pub asks for a job and gets the same response.

Frustrated and desperate he goes the church and prays for hours on end. The priest notices him and asks him what his troubles are.  Upon hearing this question the man explodes in a fireball of yelling and crying.

Pitying the poor soul the priest says that the church has a job opening on the bell at tower.  The priest then goes to say that he could have it if he could ring the bell. Wanting the job horribly bad he says that he can.

On the first day of work wanting to prove to himself that he can have a job without arms. He charges at the bell headfirst and rings it.  He does so everyday and his head gets bigger and bruised but he's happy.

A couple weeks into the job He loses his focus while ringing the bell and the bell comes back and hits and he falls of the tower.

A crowd soon gathers around the man.

One lady shouts out''does anybody know this man''? A boy replies ''no but his face sure rings a bell!"

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Two Statues in The Park

They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude. One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water. They face each other day in and day out. They are everything to one another.

One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies are real, as you should know) and decrees that they have been very good statues, on the official Fairies' Scale of Statue Goodness (ratings from 1 to Excellent) and have earned, between the two of them, one wish.

Of course the statues wish to be animated (but only for about an hour, since they do love being statues so much), and so the Statue Fairy grants their wish and flies back to Heaven where the Fairies live.
Instantly the guy statue grabs the girl statue and they go running off into the brush. The bushes start shaking... Twigs are snapping... Small animals go running... There is grunting, moaning, panting -

And the two come walking out of the undergrowth, hand in hand, sweat pouring down their faces.
"That was wonderful," the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the woman, "but it only took two minutes. What are we going to do for the other fifty-eight?"
"Let's do it again," the man shouts with glee.

"Okay," says the woman, "but this time you hold the pigeon, and I get to crap on its head."

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Yellow Flowers, Green Leaves, Nearby Park

I'm out, therefore I take pictures.

I don't know what I will use them for, but I take them anyway.

It pleases me.
It makes me feel creative.
And sometimes I even get some that I like.

This one is saved out to my Backgrounds directory at the moment, and I may even get some use out of it professionally.  After all, some of those little yellow flowers look amazing close up and blown to make them full screen.

But never mind all that. 

They're just pretty.

It's over at the nearby M.E. DePalma park

Knowing M.E., I'm expect anything in there to be native, or at least "endemic".  That endemic stuff, she works hard to keep out.  Not knowing the difference, I just like the beauty.

Since I walk past the place a couple times a day, I'm able to take it in.

Having the flowers there, and the ever changing display, is one of many nice things about living in Wilton Manors.

But for now, I'm just enjoying the colors.

This picture was taken Mid September, so these blooms are long gone, but there are many others there.

I will say that my Monarch Butterflies are enjoying it too.  The Mexican Milkweed that is in there is always eaten to sticks, just like in my backyard.  Some of it may even be some that I planted, some not, but there are always a few nearby for the butterflies to eat.  I'm able to sit in my dining room, look out the big picture window and eventually a Monarch will float past.

All because someone had the forethought, common sense, and appreciation of beauty to plant a garden on a corner property too small to put up Yet Another McMansion in the land named after flowers.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Three Rednecks Go On A Hunting Trip Together

Alright.. So there are these three rednecks, and they all decided to go on a hunting trip together.

- The first day, the first redneck goes out and successfully hunts a deer. He brought it back; then the other two ask how he got it.
"I just followed the tracks and killed it." He replied.

- The second day, the second redneck goes out and successfully hunts a boar; loaded it up in his truck and brought it back.

- Again, the other two asked how he got it.
"I just followed the tracks and killed it." He said.

- The third day, the third redneck goes out, but comes back empty handed while covered in cuts and bruises all over his body.

The other rednecks were appalled and asked what happened.
"Well.. I tried to follow your guys' advice, but I got hit by a damn train!"

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Sticher.
Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation.
"Diesel Fitter" he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious.

He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?" yelled Ole.

"I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Getting Rack Ready For The Walk

Ok, I don't know which TV Show scarred me for life with these little sayings, but let me get them out of the way first!

"I caught you looking at my butt!"

"Quit looking at my butt!"

*WHEW*!  There we go, back to normal!

You see getting Rack ready for his walk is a ritual.  It could be as many as three or more rituals.

It all depends on the time of day and "which" walk we're taking.

I suppose we could throw weather into that too although it's either dry or rainy here.

You see Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) is a herding dog.  A McNab Dog like him loves routines.  He can predict what will happen next and when we make a change to the house, we can see how he's a bit confused by it all and then adapts.

After all I can't say "ready" without him wanting to go somewhere.  I changed that to the Spanish "Listo" for when I am "ready" and want to go somewhere and don't want him to know.  He will learn that and I'll find another Key Word.

Suggestions anyone?

Herding dogs like the McNab, any collie, or any breed with Shepherd or Heeler in their names were bred for intelligence and flexibility.  You can teach them anything.

I didn't realize I was teaching him to crawl between my legs.

Yes, they are my legs, but we went through this already.

To get him ready for a walk all I really have to do is show him a leash.  The leash has the harness already clipped to the end for convenience sake.  I hold the harness open and he simply walks through it.

But in typical "One Plus One Equals Three Fashion" of a herding dog, Rack ... keeps walking.

Around 43 pounds of wriggling mostly black fur wants to keep going.  The easiest place to go was between my legs.  So as I am trying to reach under his chest to snap the harness together, he has his head stuck back there and is looking around excited.

Trust me, an excited McNab Dog is a very interesting thing.

He will stand there trying to walk forward while there.  I weigh about five times more than he does, roughly, so he's not going anywhere.  But he's trying to move forward. 

Put your hand under him and push him backwards?  That doesn't really work, he simply walks forward until he's stuck.

Step aside?  He's walking to the front door.

Sure, he'll come back if called since that is the hallmark of a well trained herding dog, but standing aside isn't really effective.

So there I am.  A dog sticking his head between my legs, wagging his tail, and waiting to go explore the world.

I'm shaking my head, amused at the entire thing.  Wriggling dog and all.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

A Couple Went on Vacation to a Fishing Resort

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort.

The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."

"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."

THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The House Special - Cojones

A man visiting Spain wants to try the local cuisine, and so walking down a side street, enters a random restaurant and orders the house specialty.

The waiter retreats to the kitchen, and after a time, comes out with a plate loaded with rice pilaf, a green salad, and two large meaty objects.

"What is this?" the man asks. The waiter tells him, "They are cojones, senor."
"Cojones? What are those?" "Cojones", the waiter answers, "are the testicles of the bull that lost in the arena today!"

Although he is a little hesitant at first, the man overcomes his doubt about the dish and tries the cojones. "These are magnificent!" he exclaims to the waiter, and finishes the plate with delight.

A week later, towards the end of his vacation, the man revisits the restaurant with fond memories of eating cojones.

The waiter comes over, and the man orders the house specialty once again. The waiter returns to his table soon after with a mound of rice pilaf, a green salad, and two small meaty objects.

The man samples these 'cojones', and finds them to be very bitter and rubbery. Angry, he calls the waiter over. "What are these?"

"Cojones", the waiter replies. "But these can't be cojones, I was here last week and they were much bigger and more full of flavor!"

"Ah, senor", the waiter replies, "the bull does not lose every time."

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Sometimes, you just need a Cheesesteak and Fries

I had been baking all morning.

I made some Chocolate Chip Cookies, Coconut Cookies, and Anisette Cookies.

Yeah I know, I'm repeating myself.  Actually, I am writing this right after I wrote about the Anisette Cookie recipe.

Tasty cookies, amazingly easy batter to work with too.

But, I was informed.  Told.

"Lunch today is a Cheesesteak, and by the way, you're making fries".

Do.  Tell.

Actually, Kevin makes a good cheesesteak.  We had gotten some appropriate "Home Made Hoagie Rolls" at Publix.  Just how a supermarket chain can make a "home made" roll, I don't know, but they do make a good roll.  They're not Amoroso, but they're damn close.

That trip to Publix, I actually found Cheese Wiz.   What Cheese Wiz is, I don't know.  We discovered that it makes a great dip for crackers though.

So we started.  A quarter of a sweet onion got grilled.  Twice what I needed but hey, I have eggs and I know how to use them.

Then the rolls were thawed, split, and slathered with a generous layer of that Wiz stuff I was talking about.

The Steak was cooking in the skillet.  I put half of the onions on top.  The onions immediately stuck to the "Cheeze" like substance.

Then the steak.  It melted the cheese.  On a whim, I squirted catsup on the fries and the steak.

Wow, ok, Food Porn.

See, Cheesesteaks are a religion in Philadelphia.  Museums are online dedicated to the art of the perfect Cheesesteak.  There are a laundry list of places that people will visit over others.  Every one of those people have most likely tried to make a steak at home.

I grew up with Provolone on mine, but mom was Italian and didn't speak English until she was 7.

But, here in South Florida the true cheesesteak is not something that you can't find easily.  There are some close calls, but it's a bit off.

Like that roll.  Good, close, but not Amoroso's.

No worries, it was a great meal.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Anniversary Gift

A man walks into a travel agency.

He approaches the travel agent and says, "Hello. My fortieth anniversary is coming up and I'd like to plan a special trip for my wife."

"Wow," replies the travel agent, "Forty years? How do you keep the magic alive for so long?"

"Well," replies the man, "For us, it's all about keeping things interesting and spontaneous. For example, on our twentieth anniversary, I took my wife to the Bahamas."

"Oh! How exotic? What are you doing for your fortieth?"

"Going to get her," the man replies.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Three Televangelists

Three televangelists were debating whose denomination was the correct one.

After much debate and getting nowhere they decided to settle the matter by invoking a miracle. They all agreed that walking on water would be a good challenge, so they go to a local pond.

Pentecostal goes first. He invites his followers to shout out prayers, speak in tongues and dance before the Lord. After 1 hour of worship he steps onto the water and, slowly but surely, makes it to the other side.

Next is the Methodist's turn. He turns to his followers and says to them. We must be very solemn. We'll collect offering and then the Lord will respond. So after collection the man begins to step onto the water. Slowly, but surely, he makes it to the other side.

At last, is the turn for the southern Baptist. He tells his congregation to play loud instruments and testify before the Lord God. They begin to play their instruments and testify in song what the Lord has done for them. After 30 minutes of singing and testifying the man steps onto the water. He successfully begins to walk, but after a few steps he starts to sink. Concerned, he goes back to his congregation and urges them to worship and give more testimony of the Lord's mighty hand. After another half an hour he decides to try walking on the water. Again, he successfully gives a few steps, but starts to sink again. Even more concerned this time he goes back to his people to ask them for louder worship and more testimony. So they all being to sing and testify once again.

While all this is going on, the Methodist and the Pentecostal, on the other side of the pond, begging to talk to each other.
"I feel kind of bad," says one of them.
"me too," says the other.
"yeah, maybe we should tell him where the rocks are."

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Anisette Cookies for Pat's Birthday

It is Saturday when I write this.

I've been up all morning and into the afternoon baking.

You see, this is a family tradition that some good friends have had the pleasure to enjoy.  For years instead of buying something that will end up in a landfill or forgotten in a drawer, I have been baking gifts for friends and family.

This one baking stint isn't over yet, I've got more to do tomorrow.

I was going to make Fudge, but this isn't winter and it would be a mess by the time it made it to New Jersey.

So I baked the Coconut Cookies from this blog.  It makes 24 1 ounce cookies, and I am keeping 6 here for myself.  I'll have those at work.

There's more to bake tomorrow, and it won't be a surprise that it will be my own chocolate chip pecan cookies.  No, this recipe I won't share, and there are plenty recipes similar out there.   Try the internet cookie recipe it is based off of that but I have tweaked it to make it my own.

But I did get to wanting some Anisette Cookies, like when I was a wee brat.  Mom would bring these home often enough that I got to think of them as something everyone had.  Nope.

This recipe is quite similar in taste.  I will be adding a little extra Anise Extract since I enjoy a strong licorice flavor from time to time.  The taste in this recipe is "Authentic" instead of being a "Kick in the pants".  If you came from an Italian family, this is familiar.

First the ingredients:

  • 1⁄2 cup butter, softened
  • 1⁄2 cup sugar
  • 3 large eggs
  • 2 teaspoons anise extract
  • 2 1⁄2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 2 -3 tablespoons milk

Now the Process:

  • Wet ingredients - to a stand mixer, cream your butter.  
  • Add the sugar and the eggs.  
  • Finally add the Anise Extract.
  • Hold back the milk at this time!
  • All ingredients are to be added one at a time, as things incorporate.
  • Mix your dry ingredients in a bowl sifting them together.  Using a sifter isn't absolutely necessary, I just tossed it in the stand mixer with all the wet stuff while it was running but you could use a fork in a big bowl if you chose to.
  • Trust me it isn't fussy.

  • Finally, the milk is to be added to the stand mixer one tablespoon at a time.  The ending dough will be soft and pliable, but not sticky.  Think of that play-doh you had as a kid - Modeling Clay.

  • To Bake:  The resulting cookies will double in size and be rather soft inside like cake.
  • Spoon out 1 level tablespoon amounts into balls on Parchment Paper spaced evenly.  
  • I got 15 cookies per "regular sized" cookie sheet, and really they don't get all that big.
  • Preheat oven to 350F/180C. 
  • Bake the Cookies for 10 to 12 or so minutes - they will NOT get golden brown except on the bottom.
  • The resulting cookies will be soft. 
Oh, and, Sorry Pat, you're only getting about 1/2 of these.  They were GOOD!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Three Men Arrive At The Pearly Gates

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter: "I'm sorry gentlemen, but we only have enough room in Heaven for one more person. The one who died the most tragic death may enter."
St. Peter nods to the first man.

Man 1: "I've been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for a few months. So I come home early from work one day to try to catch her in the act. When I looked around the only person I found was her in the shower. I'm relieved until I see someone hanging from my balcony. I go outside and stomp on his hands and he lets go but the bush below him breaks his fall and survived. Enraged, I went into my kitchen and pushed my refrigerator over the balcony, finishing the job. I was so ridden with guilt, I went inside and shot myself."

St. Peter nods to the second man.
Man 2: "I just moved into my new apartment and was getting settled in when I went to my balcony and accidentally fell over. I fell two stories before catching onto someone elses balcony then some idiot came out and started stomping on my hands until I let go. Luckily the bush below me broke my fall but the next thing that I saw was a refigerator falling on top of me."

St. Peter nodded to the third man.
Man 3: "Okay Pete. I want you to imagine yourself hiding naked in a refigerator..."

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Three Women Break Out Of Prison

..a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

They hear the marshal and his men coming so they duck into a near by potato barn.

They find three potato sacks and jump in covering themselves from head to toe.

The marshal sends his deputy into the potato barn to check it out. The deputy sees the three sacks looking out of place, so he steps up to the sack with the redhead and kicks it.
"Woof." says the redhead.

"Just a dog in there." says the not to bright deputy. He kicks the sack with the brunette.
"Meow." purrs the brunette.

"Just a cat." says the deputy. He kicks the sack with the blonde in it.

Nothing happens.

He gives it another kick.
"Potato" says the blonde.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Happy Birthday Pat

Happy Birthday, Pat.

By today, you will ggt The Box.

You know, that box I was talking about last week.

Three kinds of cookies, and maybe more.  Depends on whether I found anything else to toss in there.  Everything was baked by hand.

We've been doing this for years, the back and forth of boxes of goodies.

The day itself?

Well here's what went down that Saturday.

I got up late, and since I was half asleep from taking Melatonin to sleep, I was groggy.  A double mug of full Real Coffee.  You know, that bag of beans you see?  Guatemalan Estate Grown Antigua Huehuetenango roasted to just before Second Crack.

What that gibberish means is that it's a Medium Roast, full flavored and complex.  The bitter has been roasted out.  A Central American Coffee is never to be roasted dark, it kills the flavor.

Anyway, it's all for you, on your day.  Or about a week before your day.

We've been in the house working on furniture, playing Bollywood music and having a great time listening to bouncy stuff we couldn't actually understand.  Good day for it.  Saturday.  Almost dinner time at this point, there has been so much to do.

The last of the coffee will be roasted soon and bagged for the trip.

Oh coffee.  There is a rule of Fifteens:

15 minutes Ground.
15 days Roasted.
15 months Green.

Grind the beans and brew within 15 minutes for peak flavor,
Roast the beans and grind within 15 days for peak flavor,
15 months to roast the Green Beans.

or something like that.  So don't save it, after all The Holidays are coming, and there is bound to be more.

Happy Birthday Pat!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Omnivorous Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. " He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Saturday, September 19, 2015

So, A Scotsman Gets Drunk

....And falls asleep outside the pub he was drinking at.

Well in the morning two English lasses happen by and see the Scot in the gutter and the first lass says to the second, "Mary, shall we see if it's true what they say about the Scots?"

So they pull his kilt up and sure as the sun rises, he's naked as the day he was born.

Well both lasses are taken aback but the first recovers quicker and says to the other, "Mary, we've seen it, now we must leave our mark. Take the blue ribbon out of your hair and tie it around his, ahem, "parts," and we'll be on our way."

So they tie the blue ribbon around his, "ahem 'parts,'" and continue on their way.

A few hours later the Scotsman comes to.

He wakes and stretches and then stops suddenly.

He looks around and seeing no one, lifts his kilt and is stunned.

Looking down at his nether region, he says amazed, "Well, I donnae ken where we were or what we were doin', but I sure am glad ye took first place!"

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Ok, Folks, Here Is Where I Go Off Daily Postings

Yep, you read it right.

If you noticed, I tended for a very long time to post here at 10AM.

That changed to "before" 10AM, whenever I got to "releasing" it onto the blog and Facebook.

Then lately it has been early, 7AM.


Life got busy.  Very busy.  My consulting got formal.  I have a learning curve that I am deeply embedded in that I need to concentrate in.

Like a student in exam time, I have to give myself the option to skip postings if I need the time.

If I'm getting home after 7PM some nights, and up at 5AM, it leaves little time to sit down and write.

Now, truthfully, I could be briefer, I could write three in a row on a Sunday, and I could find more jokes.

Jokes are easy, just find one, clean out the dirty words, and post them.

But that isn't me.

So when I come up with something that I feel is important, I'll write about it.

There are a few more jokes on the weekends through October, and I'll try to put at least one article up here a week, but I need a break.

I'm sure some will not care, others may care deeply, and still more will say "meh".

After all, there are a bazillion blogs out there that started, ran their course, and ended.   Mine had a good run, five years and a little more than 2200 posts.

But I have to take a breather.

 For Now.

I would rather step away than put hack postings here.  I'm way too goal oriented for that sort of thing.

So for now, Keep an eye out.  After all there may be a reason for me to bend an ear!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

2203 Posts? Yep, it kept ticking for six years

This blog.  It's been a part of me for six years. 

I had to actually go back and check.  Gees, since July 30, 2009. 

I started it with a hello world post.  Everyone seems to.  You find your way back to it if you are interested.

I actually found that I enjoy writing.  I do get wordy, some of these posts are over 1200 words.  Almost all of them are off the top of my head.

Things got slower after a while.  You know, that New Blog Smell wore off.  I was writing about things that happened here in Wilton Manors, and the City Government scene.  I had to stop going to the commission meetings after a while, they were going well into the night and frankly I fall asleep at 10pm on a late night.  Doing that in the commission chambers when the meeting ended at 11pm would be sending the wrong message.

And I am actually quite in awe of the job that the commissioners do here, on average.  If you pay attention to your own city government, you'll find a few rotten apples here and there and a couple decisions you can't stand.

No comment there about specifics.

But since this is an "Anniversary Post" for the 2200th posting that happened over the weekend, I figured I'd do the old school Top Ten List of all times.  Since everyone seems to hit the same postings over and again, why not?

So from the most popular post to the 10th most popular post, here it is.

Most popular post:  The Gold Medal Flour Biscuit Recipe.  Trust me, this is an excellent recipe, I use it all the time when I want to show off.  If I really want to show off, I make home churned butter by putting the cream in the food processor and running it for 5 minutes or until I have butter and buttermilk in there.  Works like a champ!

#2:  Two Cycle Engine Repair - I replaced a primer bulb on a weedeater and apparently I did a good job of it since I still use the machine, 4 years later.

#3:  Simply Hired and the User Experience -The website is not one of my favorites, and I wrote why and showed why they need to change.  They did incorporate a few changes of mine, and continue to change.

#4:  Puns and One Liner Weekend - A List of puns.  I really debated long and hard about posting Jokes here.  Then I realized that people actually enjoy the silly things and this blog gets hit heavily for them.

#5: GFS Marketplace Review - GFS Is a Wholesale marketer of foods and restaurant supplies.  They also sell directly to the public.  I'm quite happy with the store, but their coupons truly annoy me.  The software that they use to create the coupons, on your PC, require that software be installed.  Since nobody has told me what that does on my machine, I can't say I trust the software.  BUT the place is really quite good, and the staff is friendly.

Rounding out the rest of the top 10:

#6:  An Impatiens Flower Picture - This variety is no longer sold and went extinct.  Impatiens are now larger.

#7:  Jewfish Creek Bridge Picture - The view you get when you enter the Florida Keys.  This is what I think of as the "border" although I may not be technically correct.

#8: Canning 1, Pineapple 0 - Although I am a good cook, sometimes my recipies don't work!

#9:  Hotmail Annoyance: Turning off Hotmail's former interface behavior of hotkeys.  I hated hotmail, and I hatie Outlook so much more.  Microsoft has turned evil since Ballmer left.  I can't believe I am saying nice things about Ballmer since he was the punchline to a joke but there you have it.


#10: Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline - Yes, another joke.  Apparently loads of folks liked her story!