Wednesday, February 24, 2021

The Lemon Tree Says Winter Has Peaked

There's a routine here.

Every morning at 7:30, go out, inspect the irrigation, look at the plants, make sure the orchids are getting their "drip feed" watering.  Then look at the pool and decide if it needs to be scooped.

There's always time to come back out later and check.

Rack decides he wants out again about the time I am looking for a mid morning snack, so that's a good time to give things a once over.

Somehow I missed all of this when I was out there. 

I have a couple lemon trees that I am growing from seed in a pot.  I'm not too knowledgeable about them, so I'm accepting that I now have a monster of a tree that is growing in one long spike toward the sky higher than I can reach.

It never really grows that noticeably, so in the time that the Mangoes have put out their inflorescences, the Lemon is demanding notice.

 You see it had paused over what passes for Winter here, two weeks of "cold" a few degrees above freezing.   

Since then it has awakened.

I was standing behind it and watching the dog near the pool.  I didn't realize a Lemon has thorns, but this one does.  Thorns that could probably be used in an Old Time Gramophone once dried and tempered.

Then I saw that the tree is putting out a host of new leaves.

I have yet to get any fruit from the tree but going into Spring this tree is just enjoying life.

It will be a good fruiting year.  The mango tree in the backyard and on the corner have quite a few inflorescences, the hibiscus in the hedges are blooming like mad, and I have little purple ruellia growing in places here and there.

The Hibiscus is the biggest surprise since this is the first plant that the Iguanas attack.  My red variegated one seems to be one that the Iguanas dislike.  I have always had flowers on the plant, where my yellow hibiscus gets stripped bare.

So it won't be this year that I get my first lemon.  There are no flowers yet, but the tree is healthy.  They don't seem to mind being in a pot, so I have another year or three before replanting.  

On the other hand if you need some needles for your olde tymie gramophone, I can get them off my tree!

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Autocorrect walks into a bar. DUCK!

 Having just come back from a dog walk, I can say I have seen too many Ducks.  Anyone know of a good Chinese Takeaway that serves a tasty Crispy Orange Duck?

Didn't think so!




Spring Fishing

Three guys were out fishing and drinking beer one fine early Spring morning. The lake's ice was now completely melted and the sun shone bright.

As one of the guys stood to pee he lost his balance and teetered overboard. When he hadn't surfaced after a few moments one of his friends dove in to try to rescue him.

Minutes later the rescuer pulled his unconscious friend to the surface and rolled him into the boat.

The third guy immediately began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Seconds later he stopped and said, "Man, I don't remember his breath being so bad!"

The other guy replied, "Yeah, and I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit either!"

Saturday, February 20, 2021

If Apple made a car would it have Windows?

While you are out and about, you can see lots of things, just try not to run over them.  Luckily there are options.



Man and the rabbit.

A man was driving down the road when he saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and got hit.

The Man being very sensitive and an animal lover pulled over and went to look at the damage done. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he started crying.

A woman was passing by in her car when she saw the man crying. She pulled over and went to check on him. " what are you crying for?" She asked him. He narrated the whole story to her.

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She opened the trunk of her car and pulled out a can. She went to the dead rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can all over its body. Much to the man's shock and delight, the rabbit woke up, good as new. It waved its paw at the two humans and hopped off.

The Man was so happy. He thanked the woman over and over again. "Say," he started "What is in the can?". He asked curiously.

The woman turned the can around so the man could read the label -Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair".

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

My Job Is To Watch. I Am Rack.

I have a job.  I watch.

I watch everything.  My people, the passersby, the house.

I see you go by every day and I am happy to see you.  

You are a friend.  If you weren't I would let my people know.

Once, you came to my door, and I told my people.  They were surprised but it is my job.  I made sure Dad knew and he made things right.  He got you home, and that is a good thing.

Dad tells me I'm good, and this is how I am.  I do good things.

Now when you visit, you let Dad take you home right off and that is a good thing.

I watch that door, it is my place, it is my job.  He has said I can be there so it is one of my favorite places.


If I am there, I can see the world.  The world can be scary with lots of noisy things.  When Dad came to take, he picked me up and carried me to that door.  He said "You will always be welcome here, safe here.  Welcome home."

I never had a home.  When I was young and not yet full grown, someone had me and did not understand that we don't always like loud things. 

Then he took me to a place far away and left me with someone else.  I liked them, there were lots of people to fuss over me, to heal my wounds, to make me better.

Dad found me on some place he called Online.  It must be a big place this Online.  I heard him say there were lots of others still waiting but very few like me.

Dad likes what he calls Cow Dogs or Working Dogs.  Dad says they are smarter.  That means I'm smart too!  

We went a long way to where Dad lives in the warm place.  Lots of things to do, lots of things to see, even that lake in our place.  He took me into that lake once to make sure I could be safe.  I was and he does not make me go in there any more.  


I can watch him in the lake.  I like that.   I lay in the deep green grass, under the trees where it is cool.  Next to the flowers.  

When he goes into the water, I worry but he always comes out safe.  He knows that he can count on me to watch.

Always I watch.  


I don't like it when he goes away, so I wait.  I don't think he knows how much I want to go with him but always I get excited when he comes back.  

I try to tell him.  He says I can't talk but I try.  He calls it "Yodeling".  Do you know what Yodeling is?  I try to say "Hello" but he says "Scooby Doo can't talk either, it's all right".

It is easier when I know what is happening.  Sometimes I hear "I'm Going Skating".  I don't know what that means but since Dad likes it, I like it too.  I can't come.  He says I am a Sprinter, and it is too much.  So I wait in my place and watch.

But being a Cow Dog is a great thing.  He says I am the smartest of all kinds of dogs.  Something called a McNab.  I guess not everyone can be a McNab.  I wonder if that's Dad's name too or is it just something special for him to say?

Well anyway I'm going to let him know that someone is here.  He says I'm going to sing the song of my people.  When I do that, he tells me to go into the bedroom but I can't do my job from there.

This time, I'll be quieter about it.  If I do I can stay in my favorite place.  Next to Dad and on my mat next to him.

Yep, it's my job.  It's much better than being outside on a farm.  I know others that did not like being on a farm and they just walked off.  Maybe that is how they end up on that Online Place?

And sometimes, once in a while, Dad sneaks me something good, just because I am a good boy.   Extra special just like me!

Sunday, February 14, 2021

I used to be possessed by many spirits...I drank them all.

 If you waited this long for your valentine, you are probably too late.  Quick, start making pancakes!

I will say I had a very nice conversation with someone who I care for yesterday who gave me some ideas on how to make some specific chocolates.  Of course I'll share them here when I get them done, and really chocolate making is trivial, just remember that your results will only be as good as the ingredients like anything in life.

 

 


Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely and most of all, don't yell at him suddenly. He needs three good meals per day and you have to cook them according to the exact preparation specifications detailed in this folder.

This continues for almost half an hour. The woman nods and goes home where her husband is waiting for her, asking "What did the doctor say?"

Wife: "He said you're gonna die".

 

 

And because the world is not as cynical as that story, I have another cynical one for you.  Enjoy your chocolate.

 

 

The Magic Drawer

Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.

Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.

She telephoned her husband immediately and said, "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"

Her husband replied, "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer."

"Wow," she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"

Her husband replied, "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs."

Saturday, February 13, 2021

To be frank...I would have to change my name.

 Here's the thing.  I have worked with many people of many different levels of capacity. 

The bottom rung people are just learning the task.  Give them time.

Those just above the bottom rung are the ones who do the most actual practical work.  

Just above that there are the people who show others how to do things.  Big Picture People.  The Business Analysts or Project Managers, if you will.  They are the Border Collies (Well, McNabs, Really) of the farm keeping people in line and making sure that everything happens in time and under budget.

Then above that you have "Managers".  I have still to figure out what these people actually do.  If you ever read the Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, these are the people who were deemed not necessary by their society and launched into space.

Being a Project Manager by trade, I have had the displeasure of working under too many incompetents that have been "Kicked Upstairs" simply because they were ... well lets just call it "agreeable".

Oh by the way we are descended from them in that universe.  But do find a copy and read it, it's a wonderful lark through the universe in its own weird way, and you will find many wonderful allegories through life.

Don't forget to bring a towel.

The answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is 42.

 


A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Mango Season or How A Mango Grows

 I have an annual weird date with a tree.  I am documenting that information for the next year. 

This is my crib sheet.

I may be a bit of a tree hugger, with my own more than casual life-long relationship with plants, gardens, and landscaping, I would say I have earned the name.

The specific tree I am speaking of is a Mango tree in the backyard.  In its case, it is a "Coghsall Mango" that has been bred to be smaller than the monsters that I see in my neighborhood.  That is relative since I have once trimmed the daylights out of my own fifteen foot tree (Call it 5 meters my non-American friends) down to my own height of 6'4" (193CM).  I will repeat this after fruiting season ends.

Ok I am showing off with my mental mathematical gymnastics.  A bit.

Anyway it is a progression of things to look for.  

Early Summer, May to June, I have to go out and hack my tree back.  The tree will put out new growths from the cut site that look like a hydra or an octopus.    Don't go below about eye level, 6 feet or so.  Leave some leaves on the tree so it can thrive.

Around Xmas, the neighboring Hagen Mangoes begin to put out inflorescences.  Be patient.

Around late January, my tree will begin to put out little acorn shaped buds.  They're bright green if not Chartreuse.

These acorns will grow, then split and put out small mango leaf shaped leaves with little spherical bumps.  Each of those bumps will grow into an inflorescence.

Later these inflorescenses will grow into something that looks distantly like a TV antenna with the bumps splitting open into dozens of mango flowers.

If I am lucky, each inflorescence that holds 50-100 "Proto-Mangoes" will be visited by bees.  The tree is smarter than I am and usually no more than three actual mangoes will form on each inflorescence.  

The extras fall off.


The fruit will be ready to eat by summer.  The recipe for Mango Jelly is simple - four cups fruit chunks, 2 cups sugar, 1 packet of "Sure-Jell with sugar".  Mash the mixture.  Cook on stove until it begins to jell.  Jar and can for gifts later. 

Sunday, February 7, 2021

When is a door not a door? When it's a jar.

 Reminds me of the first cars with a talking warning.  "Your Door (pause) Is A Jar!"  No, my door is a door and I won't fit in a jar you stupid car!


The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring the bells and make their case that they should get the late hunchback's position. Some were terrible, others were better but none could match the old hunchback's abilities.

After a long day and no success the priests called the last man forward. But looking at the man they realized he would never do.

"You've got no arms!"

They cried.

"How will you ever pull the rope?"

"Give me one chance father and I'm sure you will be pleased"

So relenting, the priests allowed the man to come forward. He quickly ran past the rope, up the bell tower and proceeded to run at the full speed toward the bells, slamming his head into them. The priests who had followed were certain from the impact the man would be knocked out cold but he remained on his feet and what's more, continued to slam his head into the bells repeatedly.

The priests stood shocked at this odd man's behavior. But soon their ears tuned in to the sound he was creating with his repeated skull-cracking blows. It was music, it was wonderful! They had to admit he might even be better than the old hunchback.

The priests were delighted. But as the man prepared to strike his head for a final note, he took one step to far back, tripped over the railing and plunged down the bell tower to his death. Staring over the edge the priests were in shock by this turn of events.

"Tis a shame..."

Said one priest.

"Did you know the man?"

Said the other.

"No, but his face sure rings a bell"

Saturday, February 6, 2021

“Is this the nostalgia club?” “Yes...but it isn’t what it used to be...”

How about three shorter little gems for your Saturday morning?
 

Dying In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor... ... noticed little Ronny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: and said quietly, "Good morning, Ronny."

"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Ronny's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"



Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Version 2 of that...

A policeman pulled me over the other day, and he said, "Papers?", to which I replied, "Scissors, I win!" and he said "Rematch time".

This time he picked "Shoot"...
 

 

Secret

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Cold is something different in South Florida

I heard that the weather turned up in the big cities.  

Cold, snowy, annoying get the shovel, drive slow, snow drifts in the North.  In fact they aren't alone, there were videos of large snowfalls in Europe as well.

It means something different here, especially if you are cold blooded.

Oh sure, we aren't talking about ice forming on the windows in South Florida.  Cold is relative.  You try living in a house with a heater that draws as much power as the hairdryer your sister had in the 80s.  The windows here were slats of glass that were designed to let in as much air as possible.  Then those Jalousie Windows would leak all 1200 watts of power when someone sneezed down the block and you would feel that draft.

I have a far... better word to use, but won't on this blog since I try to keep things as clean as possible.

Anyway, we've gone through one "cold" snap, and here is a second one.  When the big cities up North get hit, we shiver in the non-freezing cold.  

It may not freeze outside here, but you could be sure your milk would not spoil if you left it in the trunk of the car overnight.

Wandering around the yard looking to see where things were and whether I would have to set a tree in the pot upright, and I did, I spotted this little critter trying to warm itself on the fence before sundown.  These lizards have a habit of warming themselves all over the place in the sun until the last minute, and doing so stealthily.  

After all, the local birds would gobble them up in an eyeblink if they spotted it.

I personally don't chase lizards out of the house unless they are becoming a nuisance.  They don't make much of a mess, and if they are living in here, the amounts of insects that survive here won't be so great.  

As I have one more screen to patch on the windows, I will have to get my clear plastic cylinder that I dub the Lizard Transportation Device and carry one out to meet the one on my fence.  Harmless but I'd rather not have one drop on me from the corner.

Sunday, January 31, 2021

My son was picking his nose earlier... I told him to make up his mind and choose one.

Ok, I'll call this one some Boomer Humor.  I apologize.  But really!

Where I workout is a trail around a golf course and hell yeah I can see this.  I swear there are golfers in those carts hooning around the back 9 that are trying to break the sound barrier!

 

 Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

Saturday, January 30, 2021

What goes oooo? A cow with no lips.

 So in the tradition of contempt of authority, here we have a traffic stop story.

It's similar to the fishing one that I had posted a wee bit ago, but well it's a bit more edgy.



I think I'm going to lose my driver's license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Bougainvillea And Tiny Frogs Tell Me It Is Time To Plant

 

When I was a child, I had a neighbor, Mrs. Alderfer.

She fascinated me.  Of my own parents generation, she lived differently than we did.  Her own creativity in her own suburban New Jersey lifestyle was evidenced in her garden in the backyard, on the slope to the creek, where she grew things where she could fill the table, make preserves, and entertain herself.

I think she taught me by osmosis.  My own yard is now chock full of containers that I use to grow new plants for my own yard.  Her use of a Cold Frame was something I had noticed every year as she insisted it was time to plant.  The Cold Frame looked like a window that was placed over the soil to warm it, to rush the season.  Plants would go into the ground in South Jersey in Mid-April, and harvest in Late Summer and Fall.

I was out in my yard doing my morning inspection of the drip-feed irrigation system.  My pots were happy and healthy and I had to move the one Coleus plant that insisted on growing and shading my plants in that Nursery Pot.  I staked it upright gently and noticed that I had a bit of work to do.  

Last year's cuttings were ready to go into the ground.  Those cuttings were showing new growth and flowers.  I was sticking some Bougainvillea cuttings in that pot as well as directly in the soil around this time last year.  The cuttings were blooming on their own.  I have been doing this every year for a number of years.  The arbors in my backyard are getting refilled slowly by this.

The "Happy Little Plants" are growing, and the Nursery Pot was sheltering a couple species of plants that are due to do some replenishing of new hedges and arbors for the future.

If you want to sit under a tree in your old age, plant the tree when you are young.

Living in my nursery pot was a wee little frog who has adopted that spot.  It was a baby tree frog, and is welcome as they are entertaining to watch.  That particular Bougainvillea leaf that it is resting on is has the more rare salmon colored flowers and the mother plant is being turned slowly into mulch by the termites that moved in years ago.  It still flowers but I will be cutting it well back to get more propagation for next year.

Growing plants for your yard is a hopeful task.  You look forward to the future and how many plants you will receive, how many that will "take", how many that you can enjoy.  Bougainvillea propagates easily, but slowly, as well as the Podocarpus and the Crotons that are so very popular in South Florida.  

If you have one, you can make more.

Since last year's cuttings are happily blooming, then it is decidedly time to get the ladder out, climb up and get some new cuttings from the green growths, and start next year's home for wee little frogs.

The circle of life does beckon.  It may be early up North, but here in Tropical-Adjacent South Florida, we are ready.

Sunday, January 24, 2021

I have an eclipse joke but it gets kind of dark.

Since it is sunday I thought I might give you a St Peter At The Gate Joke.  Yes, you will get the format, but the twist is at the end.

 Of course Sundays tend to be twisted so there you go!

 

 

 A young engaged couple were very much looking forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fifty years?”

They explained what they thought had happened, the horror of the oncoming truck on the wrong side of the road. They had been so looking forward to their wedding, to their new home and to married life together. “Would it still be possible,” they asked, “for us still to get married in heaven?”

St Peter was stumped. “Marriage is usually ‘till death us do part’, he explained. Once couples arrive here, they usually don’t want to remain married, but just good friends. There isn’t really marriage in heaven.”

“But we were so looking forward to married life together. Can we not have that opportunity?” they asked.

“Well,” said St Peter, “I’ll have to go and ask the Boss and then find you a priest to perform your wedding. Can you just wait around a bit until I come back?”

So they hung around waiting. An hour went past. Another hour, Several hours. No sign of Peter. Other saints came to see to the queues forming and check in those qualifying. But no Peter. In earth time a day, then a week went past, Finally, after the terrestrial equivalent of a month St Peter returned. “Good news!” he said, “I’ve got permission and it’s all arranged for you!”

But the young couple had been reconsidering. Marriage on earth is usually for 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, at a limit 70 years. To actually remain married for all eternity might be just too long. They might tire of each other. So they both explained this to St Peter and then asked him:

“If we do get married, would it also be possible to get divorced in heaven?”

“Look here,” said Peter, by now exasperated, “It’s taken me a month to find a priest in heaven. How the blazes do you think I’m ever going to find a lawyer?

 

 


A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: here, I’ll show you... (releases the fish into the lake).

Warden: well this I gotta see!! (5 minutes later...)

Warden: well??

Man: what?

Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??

Man: what fish??

Saturday, January 23, 2021

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute. Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

 I am afraid that these two here... well they passed the laugh out loud test.  I guess it is because I didn't finish my coffee who knows!

A rich couple was going out for the evening.

The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

‟Throckmorton. Take off my dress.” He did so, carefully.

‟Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her.

‟Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties.” The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally, she looked at him and said, ‟Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you are fired.”



I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."

I thought, "Wow this guy is loaded... Lucky wife, driving around in a new $125k car in a new $1000 sweater. There is NO WAY he can afford that on our salary."

The conversation continued, "The house you like came on the market? Well how much is it? 800,000? See if they will accept $775,000"

We were all confused and in disbelief as he ended the call.

He turned and faced the rest of the crew and said, "If anyone sees the boss, tell him I found his phone, his wife called, and I QUIT!"

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Inauguration Day 2021, Finally Time To Fly Dad's Flag

You know when you want to say something but are not quite sure how to say it?

Welcome to my world at the moment.

It isn't a case of mere writer's block but more of a how on earth do you phrase this.

Oh sure, I can blather away and it will get lost in the hive-noise of the internet.  A few people will see it and it will fade away.

But here's our story.

You see, Dad died back in the 70s.  He was interred at a veteran's cemetery near our home in New Jersey.  World War II, served in the South Pacific, fought at the Battle of Manila.  I grew up seeing some of those pictures of Manila that looked like it was bombed to see how bad the rubble bounced.

He only ever really spoke in broad generalities to me about that time.  That was his way.  I can see that it effected him deeply, but he carried those stories with him for his whole life.

When the funeral was over with, we came home with the ceremonial flag and it remained with us.  Mom passed later and she got the veteran's benefit of being interred in the same grave as Dad.  When we were told of this, I remember saying that she would like it that way.

I ended up with the flag and it came with me to South Florida.  I was given a rather nice triangular case as a present that I still proudly have.  

Only problem is that the case in the picture now has no glass.   Today for the picture, I noticed everything was dusty and I took  it into the bathroom to clean it.  The triangular piece of glass slipped from the case and crashed on the floor into a bazillion pieces.  I have had that for at least 20 years now.  I will have to look for some glass for it at the hardware store.  Maybe some plastic instead.

One thing I never did was to fly that flag.  There was never a real reason to. It never felt right.

Mom's house did not have the flag pole.  It never felt right.  After all, We had Nixon, the original Watergate criminal, as well as the echos of Ford and the response in Carter.  Reagan was just as terrible as anyone else, if not worse with Iran-contra, and the complete mismanagement of domestic problems such as AIDS and the beginning of the deterioration of domestic infrastructure and industry that followed through Bush Sr.  Industry left the US because of policies caused by these incompetents.  

Can't find a job?  Living in Mom's Basement? Blame them.  Elections have consequences.

Sanity reigned and we had Clinton and his booming economy and the surplus that he ended with, but that still did not seem like a good enough reason to fly that flag.  There was too much static on the horizon.

We then got the abysmal Bush Jr whose complete mismanagement of international affairs before 9/11 led to that particular tragedy.  After invasion and war, and 8 years of him came to an end unlike the war that is still going on.

With Obama we begun to get hope.  Things started to change for the better. However with the misinformation that was flowing into the country, things were also calcifying into two separate camps.

Then the Twice Impeached Trump.  I never thought I would see someone who the scholars would judge as the worst president since Nixon and Bush Jr combined, but here we are.  Worst President Ever is what I read over and over.  

As I write this he still is not out of office.

So today, as of this publishing, at 12:01 PM we get Mr. Biden and Mrs. Harris inaugurated as president and vice president. 

I will raise Dad's flag in honor of that.  I think he would have appreciated that.  

While I have never met either person, I will say that people like me who rode the trains into Philadelphia have told many stories of how good a person Mr Biden is, and how he actually cared.  I've heard more than once that if you spoke to him of a problem, and he was able, you might get a knock on your door from someone from the government who was truly there to help.

I have only ever heard good stories of Kamala Harris since I have only ever visited California once.   Her words during the debates seemed intelligent and gave hope of a plan to get us out of the morass we are in.  So nice to hear an educated woman speak.

We need their help now.  It's a long way back but at 12:01 PM, I'll be celebrating and hoping for the best.

Good luck, we all need it.

Sunday, January 17, 2021

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

This is about the Daddiest Dad Joke I could find about a cemetery.  And yeah I have told an abbreviated version of it many times.

While we are on the subject, whose idea was it to make the word Abbreviated so blasted long?



When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.


A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. 

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. 

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


Saturday, January 16, 2021

I have an eclipse joke but it gets kind of dark.

This one is a bit short so I gave you a Two-Fer.  The first one is just so wonderfully dumb that you can tell it anywhere.   The other one is here because I am thinking we really do need to go to the market this weekend!

 

 
3 guys in a desert...


One day traveling thru Death Valley, I saw 3 guys stranded in the heat: Joe, Moe, Doh. I noticed Joe was holding a bucket filled with water, Moe a bag full of cash, and Doh with just a car door. I stopped and asked Joe, why are you carrying water?

Joe: "If I get hot, I can drink this water." Makes sense, so I asked Moe why are you carrying bag full of money?

Moe: "If I get hot, maybe I can buy some water from Joe." Also makes sense, then I asked Doh, why are you carrying just a car door?

Doh: "Well, if I get hot, I'll just roll down the window."


And... since that was a short joke...



New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Debian Linux and iOS - Taming the iPhone with Documents By Reddle to use YOUR data on YOUR iDevice

Let me get this out in the open, unlike any iPhone or unrooted Android...

I hate Apple's iOS.

They took a product called BSD, cut it down to suit, then locked it down so hard that if you truly know what you want to get done, you are hamstrung.

I used an "Ancient" Samsung Galaxy S4 from 2013 from 2014 until November 23, 2020.  Rest in pieces old friend.  When I fell off my skates after 22,217 miles I finally broke my first bone.  I also broke my S4.  It boots, but won't "Hold The Tower" and disconnects due to sim error.  I may revisit this later, but for now I have bigger problems.

Over the years I have been given a bunch of "extra" iPhones as every year, Apple forces their sheep to Buy! New! Shiny! And! Not! Use! Old! Crap!

Yeah, right.  A year ago that Old! Crap! was New! Shiny!  Isn't planned obsolescence wonderful?

Did I say I use Linux?  Almost Always.   I have someone in the house who insists that I do my taxes on Turbo Tax, and that's the only time I ever boot a dusty Windows 8.1 computer.

I had to set up my latest iPhone, an iPhone 7 Plus.  Rather pretty hardware, I will say, but all that experience configuring the phone gave me some stiff requirements.

I author Video,

I author Audio,

I author Photography.

You have seen all of these if you follow my blog.

I require the phone to be open as another computer share on my network, and fully accessible to my user and others in the house.

Apple has locked me out of all of that.  The LineageOS I used on the S4 allowed that and the ability to block any ads with ad blockers in Firefox plus a hosts file that I could edit at will. 

While iPhone won't let me block the ads with a hosts file, I did find a work around.

I needed a new work around because I had this nonsense working on the iPhone before but they broke compatibility with my software.  There's an active contempt in Apple's hive mind for anything not aligned with their view of how anything iOS is "supposed" to be used.

Step 1.
Solution: For ad blocking, install and use "DNSCloak".

It pushes all your traffic through a piece of software called a VPN that is configurable.  I can even import my hosts file from the computer I am using right now to write to you.  This is what I did and I almost never see an ad.  In fact, it is quite jarring when I do.

I did select "doh.tlarap.org" and I changed that easily plus enhance it with my own rules.


Step 2.

I require the ability to read from and write media to my network computers at will.  Apple says you can't do that because the Dead Black Turtlenecked God decreed utter simplicity.

(Ooh! Was that Thunder?)

What a crock.  Every app now needs a back button.  Some depend on your home button if it exists.  Others have a "Back" link at random places in their apps.  Lax standardization.  Really just freakin' give me a break!

If I ever get the chance, I will find his grave and poop on it.  My Phone, My Rules.  If there are any limitations I will remove them.  Linux says everything is a file.  I expect the same full access and I demand compliance.

Solution:  Install and use "Documents by Readdle". 

What Documents gives you is a "file manager" to access your files (Pictures, Videos, Music, PDF, whatever).  You tell it to find the data. It imports it into iTunes.  You use your data however you want, it won't judge.

It is a trivial program to use.  Assuming you have your data somewhere it can reach, it's a matter of setting up the "Connections" to your data.  That can be on a local Windows SMB share, on iCloud, Dropbox, Google Drive, Box, One Drive, SharePoint, or Yandex Disk.  

It makes connection, shows you what you have there, and allows you to import it or do whatever you want.   Play and Delete I am particularly fond of.


It saves me a heck of a lot of time doing surfs to Spotify/Soundcloud/etc and playing the music I want to play from the web.  I really don't want to launch Firefox to surf radio.garden to play some obscure to the US station in Port of Spain, Trinidad or Ensenada, Mexico to get some music to jam to when I get back on my inline skates.   Having my own content locally is so much easier, and I can park things anywhere I have access to.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised

 This seems to be a good example of Boomer Humor.  The "Younger" people out there seem to simply not understand why "Tha Boomerz" find this marriage tension style of humor funny.

For the most part I agree with them, however this is at once Boomer Humor and also funny enough to get me to laugh while I was drinking coffee this morning.

Besides, it is a well told story, and those are always fun to read.

See if you agree, I have to get a towel for my keyboard.




James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.


"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.

"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."

"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.

"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"

James nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"

James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Why did the boy throw butter at the window? To see the butter fly.

 In my backyard I have pots of plants, everywhere.  Some of them have Milkweed.  It never really gets very big or very lush because the Butterflies use it for a diner.  That's great since that's what it's there for.  Even if there are just sticks left, the monarchs like it.



My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's Ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Veet" hair remover.

At the register, the Pharmacist told her,

"If you're going to use this under your Arms, don't use Deodorant for a few days."

*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist said,

"If you're using it on your Legs, don't use Body Lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my Legs either".

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The Pharmacist said,

"Well, stay off your Bicycle for at least a Week".

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

50000 Miles in 18 Years in a 2002 Jeep Wrangler, 45 Minutes to Air Up 5 Tires

 

I don't drive the Jeep as much as I would like.

I've had it since Chrysler was taken over and then neglected by Daimler, right around Xmas 2002.

Give or take a few weeks.   I'm sure I could find the specifics but it isn't really that important.

They had "Zero Point Zero Financing" and I really hated that the earlier Jeep I had had an Automatic Transmission.  

To me, it needed a stick.

I have been driving Jeep Wranglers, and the CJ7 I had back in the day, longer than anything else.

It just fits.

I have plenty of room.  It's thirsty but I don't go that far.  2778 miles in a year on average.

But every time I get in it, I smile.  Sure, it's basic and primitive, but it is beyond fun to drive.  

This is the "Bulletproof Combination" of that car.  4.0 Inline Six Cylinder, 5 speed Manual transmission.  Soft top if I want to have the sun bleach my hair and tan my skin on the way home from where ever I want to go.

Like I said, I don't drive it often.  I was working behind the TV set next to the window and when I stood up, I noticed through the living room window that one tire was low.  It meant I had to get into the car and drive somewhere to get the air back in the tires.  When I got "there" the air pump was not working no matter how I begged. 

On the way home, I noticed I was very close to 50K so I got the phone out and took a picture.

Really, I should not take pictures while driving.  40 MPH in a Jeep and I was just due to shift up into the next gear.

I got home and let him sit in the driveway.  Having to get the portable air compressor out on that afternoon meant I wanted to try it out with the power pack.  Nope.  Snapped the circuit breaker immediately.  

As it was, each tire would take 5 to 10 minutes to air up.

I pushed the car forward and settled in to sit around doing nothing for the better part of the hour.  Wait, check the watch, lather, rinse, repeat.

It gave me time to think. 

Jeep needs a bath.  Too much dust on it from the beach 2 1/2 miles away, the Bahamas, and the Sahara across the ocean.

Check the air, move to the next tire.

Wave at the neighbor.

Check the Mailbox.

Sit on the front bumper and stare at my boots.

Check the air, move to the next tire.

The air compressor is getting warm.

Started thinking.  Some day I really do want to go back to visit New Jersey.  Sure, North Jersey is one ugly city and you can see the pollution from that and New York when you approach New Brunswick, exit 9 on the Jersey Turnpike.  

But I am from South Jersey.  Life is different there.  The air is cleaner.  Not clean, simply cleaner.  After all, at 40 Degrees North, the air flows from the Midwest Cities and drops the pollution on Philadelphia. Allergies are quite common.

My allergies vanished when I moved to Florida.  It's dusty but the air is always clean until the Everglades start burning.

I do want to go back.  I have a few trips I want to make.  Out to the Pine Barrens.  Beautiful pine forests, cedar creeks, hiking trails, and maybe drive the Jeep to the top of Apple Pie Hill to look at the stars.

Once you could climb the fire tower up to the outlook and look around.  Well over the tops of the trees, at night you could see Atlantic City, Philadelphia in the distance, and way up there on a very clear night, you could just make out New York City.

Can't do all that on flat tires can you?

With Covid, you can't do it at all.  It is also 1200 miles from here so visiting my Sister, Friends, and Family as well as climbing a muddy fire tower in the wilderness is off the table.

Check the air, move to the next tire.

Might want to check the other tires while I am at it.

Spare has no air.  Pressed the air pressure gauge to it and it didn't move.  

Can't replace a flat with a dead tire, that will take more time.

Back out to the front of the car.

Lock the house doors, I need to start the car after this tire hits 30 PSI.

Check the air, move to the next tire.

Wandering around the yard is getting boring.  Sit back on the front bumper and watch the parrots screeching in the trees, the buzzards making lazy circles on the updrafts North of downtown Fort Lauderdale. 

"Hey Buzzards!  We're not dead yet!"  Seriously they must be "Pinin' for the Fjords" or something.

It's time for the spare.  Last to go. 

I plugged the now hot compressor in to the spare, sat the compressor on top of it, and settled in on the bumper.

Bumpers are important.  If your bumper does not stick out past the nose of the car enough a simple tap in a parking lot will cause thousands of dollars of Sheet Metal damage.

I figure this one will take about 15 minutes.  I started the motor.

The Jeep roared to life and settled in on a smooth idle.

50,000 miles and not a problem.  

I know this car like the back of my hand.  Many cars at this age are rusting in a junk yard.  Jeeps don't.  They hold their value.  The motors were designed in the 1950s or 1960s by Willys/Kaiser.  Then a merger to form AMC.  American Motors.  Limped along into the 1980s and got swallowed up by Chrysler.  Chrysler was mortally wounded by the "merger of equals" with Daimler Benz.

Became Daimler Chrysler.  As the joke went "How do you say the name of the company?  Daimler, the Chrysler is silent."

Then with Fiat to become FCA, and the pending merger with Peugeot and who knows what else.

Meanwhile, I inspect the tubes, the belts, the tires.  I've fixed one of the most maddening problems with Jeeps.  The Check Engine light will come on and you may or may not get A Code.

I found my problem with a finger length piece of tube that cracked and was replaced.  A truly competent young woman helped me diagnose what I needed at Autozone up on Oakland Park Blvd. 

Helpful hint - if you are in a place where a woman is working and it is "non-traditional" for her to be there... Always, Always, Always go to the woman.  She knew her stuff.

Nothing wrong with my Jeep that a bucket of soapy water could not fix.  I may wash off the dust from the Sahara Desert off the car an ocean away, but not today. 

Today, smile on my face, it is time to take the Jeep for a lap around town.

Beep!  Beep!  I'm A Jeep!  I wonder how long it will take to get to 100,000 miles?

Sunday, January 3, 2021

I thought I spotted a leopard once. It turns out there born like that.

You know, it's funny.  Having gone to a Catholic High School I definitely did see how some of the priests and nuns were much better than others.  Absolute obedience was not on order there, and anyone who does believe in that needs to have their minds opened, but there were some better than others.

So Sr. Stan, this one is for you, definitely one of the "good ones". 

 
A nun comes to visit

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
“And do you men know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife’s here with his lunch.”

Saturday, January 2, 2021

To whoever stole my anti depressants. I hope you're happy.

I have done many long trips.  I actually really miss loading up the Jeep, driving hours and getting somewhere eventually.  Once you get away from the city, instead of finding it boring, I really do get into that groove of being alone with my thoughts, my radio, and watching those others on the road.

 I have always found that truckers will appreciate your taking a bit of extra care while you're on Their Roads since basically you're in their office.  I mean if someone came in and pushed all your papers on the floor, you would be annoyed too.

This takes things to another level.

 

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. He notices the man to be very scared.

The truck driver removes a piece of chalk a knife from his truck, draws a circle on the road and tells the frightened car driver to stand in the circle.

He screams at the man "You will be sorry for your life if you come out of the circle" and then proceeds to cut up the nice leather seats in the car. Thinking he had done enough he turns around to find the man smiling.

Even more angry he returns to his truck and gets a baseball bat out and smashes all the windows and lights. When he looks again the man is giggling.

Starting to rage now, the trucker drops the bat and slashes all his tyres to which the man bursts out laughing.

Well, the trucker finally loses it, gets a can of gasoline from the truck, pours it all over the brand new sports car and sets it on fire.

When he turns around to see man's reaction, he is nearly falling over with fits of laughter.

Mystified, the trucker asks " what the hell is so funny ???"

The man replies, " while you weren't looking, i stepped out of the circle four times !!"

Friday, January 1, 2021

Happy New Year Everyone!


 Happy New Year everyone!

I am not sure of the significance of all those food rituals.

Black Eyed Peas aren't in my pantry.

I do have a few Brats and some Sauerkraut in the fridge so if I remember, that is dinner.

Lunch is already planned since someone has chased me out of the kitchen and is making Boeuf Bourginion in the Instant Pot.

However I did shout "Jumanji!" when I woke up.  That scared the dog but he was still rattled by the mental midgets that were firing off fireworks from 7PM to Midnight around me.

Really?  Five Hours of it?  To turn the page on a calendar? 
 

To quote Red Forman from That 70's Show:  Dumbass!

Anyway, I'm sipping coffee, finishing up a Crumpet from a recipe on here, and thinking Happy New Year to all.

May we all be here in 2021 happy and healthy to go through another trip around the giant fiery orb in the sky next January, once again!