Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Betty's Vinca Blooms By The Pool

 Somehow this fits.

Once upon a time I had an Aunt.  She moved into Century Village down here for the winters instead of staying in New York in the cold.  

Happily, I visited her, and at the end of one visit she told me to take some of her flowers.  I did and they grew here happily.

She was going.  Somehow I knew she would not come back and she was leaving me with these as a token.

Perhaps a bit too happily, now they're in strange spots all over my yard.

Fitting to the memory of my Aunt, they're tough.  Betty's Flowers are showing up in cracks in the pavement by the pool and blooming.

I've been told that the flowers I chose are considered Invasive.  Vincas.  I don't care.  I see them and I smile.  I think of my long gone friend and these little plants and enjoy the memories.

Thanks, Betty, for the memories.

Sunday, December 26, 2021

How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.

 I am sure that in some parts of the country, on this day, there is someone sitting in an ice house, in the middle of a lake.  Over a wee hole, the person is trying to catch fish. 

Or maybe they are just like these guys?

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing.
So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything.

When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking the ice.
After learning they were $10 each Billy Bob said they'd take 2.
About an hour later Billy comes up to the shop and  asks if he can buy another five ice picks.

Confused, the man sells him the picks.
About 4 hours later Billy staggers into the shop sweat pouring from his body and asks if he can buy the man's remaining stock of ice picks.

Unable to contain his curiosity any longer the man asks what Billy could possibly be doing with so many ice picks?
Billy looks and the man and says with a sigh that he never knew ice fishing was so much work.
"We've been chopping and chopping for hours and we just now got the boat launched! "

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Simple Basic Truffles For Xmas

The Truffles are cooling, The Cake is iced,
Xmas is the day, It will be nice.
A little doggerel for you,  I won't say it twice.
Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night.

Anyway, so if you are celebrating a holiday, may you enjoy it from me and mine.  

 If you aren't you'll have to just have to allow me to celebrate mine.

I have people coming by, we're going to have a roast, there are these truffles with the recipe at the end of this blather.  There's a Marble cake on the counter. 

Main course goes into the oven at 10am for a big meal at lunch so we can pass out on the couch.  What happens after that depends on us.

Enjoy your day whatever you choose to do, I know we will.

Now, for that recipe and yes I know that a Hula Dog only fits the holidays if we pretend it does.


This recipe can be done in the morning, and if you are aggressive, have it by lunch, or the afternoon.   Definitely ready by dinner.

Simple Basic Truffles:

2 parts chunked chocolate of "your favorite kind"

1 part cream

Process in stupidly long detail:

Add the chunked chocolate to a bowl.  It should be a microwave safe bowl large enough to add all the ingredients.

Microwave the ingredients for 30 seconds.

Stir until the chocolate melts.

Repeat the last two steps until you have a smooth mix judging for yourself if you need 30 seconds or less time in the microwave.

Chill the mix until solid.  If it never solidifies, add a little more chocolate to it and microwave and stir until smooth.

Scoop out the mix with a melon baller and roll the truffles in a coating of choice such as cocoa, jimmies, or nuts.  

It is all up to you, really!

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

The PVC Pergola Project - version 2.0.

I guess we can call this Pergola 2.0 or Revenge of the Pergola.

I looked at the results of the first construction and did not really care for them. 

Firstly, it used up the pipes way too quickly.

It also blocked the sun way too efficiently.

It was also way too heavy.  For the coverage that I was getting, it weighed too much.

So... lets look at this differently.  After all if I had the time and the interest, I could easily have made this out of Bamboo and Palm Leaves and had it be completely sustainable.  Since I had the plastic and it was all "trash", this fits perfectly with my own desire to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle.

I had seen something manufactured commercially that was closer to what I was trying to achieve and I was right that I could re-create it.

Applying a little mental algebra, I could approximate the result I was trying for.  

This whole project is one where everything was done off the top of my head.  The pipes were pre-cut to 5 feet, approximately, about 152 CM.  They were 1/2 inch inner dimension, about as thick as my thumb.  An inch thick outer dimension, or near enough to it.  Rough measurements were perfectly acceptable for this project.

So to open this pergola up a bit, I could cut a number of "napkin rings" out of some scrap pipe and thread the plastic bottle rings through it.  Threading the plastic loops around the pipes, I would later blast the loops with a heat gun and melt them.  Melting the loops tightened the whole thing together and no glue or fasteners had to be used.  The bottle plastic is very heat shrinkable.  The PVC pipe plastic will get soft and bend if I need it to.

A Plastic Bottle being manufactured, is a lump of plastic that gets heated and compressed gas is blown into it.  This happens inside of a mold and the bottle forms to the shape inside.  Those bottles are generally quite small and thick before heated and molded.

The hardest part was cutting the "napkin rings" on a Miter Box, repeatedly.  Since I don't have any clamps here to hold it down, the length was never exactly the same twice, and I was happy with an approximately 1 inch (or one thumb) wide ring.

I kept with the original plan and weaved all the rings and loops together.  Once I had everything about the way I wanted it, I added another row of rings and loops just because I didn't like the looks of it.  It does not have to support a lot of weight, just enough to be stable in the breezes.

I blasted it all with the heat gun, holding the pipes in place as the loops cooled and then flipped things over.  Blast it again on the other side and it became one semi-rigid piece.

This will get attached to a frame later, maybe with more water bottle loops of plastic or more likely zip-tied to it.  Since I had a frame already in place, and at this point we are in winter, I simply placed it on top of everything and here you have the result.

Sunday, December 19, 2021

How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.

 Have you ever gotten up in the morning feeling "your age"?  Maybe after a workout you're a bit sore because you pushed yourself hard?  Yeah that happens but...

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"... The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist:: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop Registry”

Saturday, December 18, 2021

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts

I am feeling generous so here's a two-fer!

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.


A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come and leave money in it’s place.
Whereupon the little girl says , all cocky: “I know all about that doctor. As a matter of fact, I know what the tooth fairy looks like!”
Doctor with an inquisitive look: “You do?”
Little girl: “I sure do, I’ve seen her.”
Doctor: “You have?”
Little girl: “You bet, do you wanna know what the tooth fairy looks like?”
The dentist nodded his head and she motioned him closer and she whispers: “It looks just like my momma but, naked.”

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Take A Break, Mango Season Is Coming

Just like anything else with me, everything happens near the house or on a workout.

I was out skating.  Nothing new with that, in fact it was the longest skate workout I have had since I moved to Florida.

I had already gotten ten miles in and it was time to rest.  The spot I rest at is under a small copse of trees, has a bench, water, and overlooks the Goodyear Blimp base in Pompano Airpark.  It's a pretty little spot where you can watch people get their cardio in, watch the blimp from time to time, and just have a break from what you are doing.   

Call it an Athlete's Hangout, I do.  Beautiful day.  Warm sun, breezes were light off the ocean.  I rather enjoy that spot.  

I got greeted by one of the fellow skaters and decided to get back to the task at hand and pack in another couple sprints.  Conditions like this only happen in the winter in the south, by the time April hits, we're already pushing the temps towards 90 and you know season is changing.

Actually when I got back to that same bench, that was exactly what I was thinking.  How nice it is, and how privileged I was to be able to enjoy this kind of condition.

Reaching into my skate pack, I grabbed my sport bottle, opened it, and tipped my head back to enjoy some ice water.  Looking up through spotted sunglasses, I noticed that my friend the Mango Tree was back in bloom.  It's a Hagen Mango tree, just like the big one near my house, and I have had fruit from it before.  Orange, creamy, and sweet.  

In a couple months it will be dropping more fruit.

Sitting there, you can gather your thoughts.  I skated 17 miles at that point and decided that it was approaching enough.  I'd do another 3 miles and then head on back.

Smiling at the thought, it was time to go.  Any more would break that peaceful spell.  Yes, it is possible to have peace at upwards of a 175 BPM heart rate, in fact it's preferable.  Standing up, I got on the trail and was able to glide on home. 

I used to compete, I used to skate hyper marathons multiple times in the week.  Now I do this for me.  Headphones on, it's a great way to enjoy the day.

Find your zone.  If it includes being on eight wheels, say hi as you pass the other way or join me for a sprint. 

In Philadelphia, Skating was massive.  On West River Drive, and I believe they changed the name of it by now to something else.  Weekend days it would be closed to allow people to enjoy the park, intimately, so that you could do any non motorized sport.  About half way through that drive is an old stone bridge and a water stop.  Right by that stop, and you have to know where, the was an old apple tree.   If you were lucky, you could tramp out across the grass and find an apple still on the tree.  Fairmount Park did not treat the grounds there other than cutting the grass so it was organic.  I've had many of those apples through the years, and having the mango here is ... well it is just right.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

I battle with learning spanish.  I've been doing it practically every day since January 2013 and it is getting better.  There are certain words that I switch around and meanings change.  But at least I didn't get it THIS wrong.

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

Saturday, December 11, 2021

Where would you find an elephant? The same place you lost her.

OK, so this one is a little more ... PG than usual but hey, you get what you pay for, right?


Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic.
They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men.
And, of course, traffic began backing up.
Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire,"
I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So I told him...... "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

That Isn't An Astronaut Up There When You Are Putting Up Holiday Lights, It's A Monarch

I'm a big guy, tall and fit.  In fact I am just back from a workout around town making a spectacle of myself in red, black, and safety orange spandex.

Yeah, let that stew in your mind for a bit.  A wall of Moose approaching at up to 17 MPH and over 7 feet tall on a bike in the Bus Lane.

But while I am very active, I also plan things out.  

The tradition in town for the holidays is to put lights on the house so you can be just about like the neighbors.  We don't have anyone here trying to be insanely bright on this block, most of us have something tracing out the lines of the house and call it done.  

I'm sure that the whole lighting thing will fade as carbon correctness gets more ingrained with people, at least it isn't long strings of 9 watt incandescent bulbs making way more heat than light.  It's now LEDs.

That is if you have them.

The conversation was: 

"What do you want to do about lights?"
"I don't really have time, I'm trying to get ready for the trip."

Yours truly has been researching high end inline skating parts online for a while and I found a truly insane set of lights for a minimal fee, and used my workout sponsorship money to get it.  Well, ours, but who is counting.

It got here, all 403 feet and 100 lights that were semi-addressable, and had ten "shows" and ... but it has to get on the house.

"I Don't Have Time"
"Where are the tools, I'm putting these up"

Hmmmm, 122 and a bit meters?  The Chinese must be using Imperial for this not a round number amount.


I got started and realized that I needed a ladder.  My reach was not quite far enough for all of the hooks I had to put in the house.  When I need a ladder, lesser men might need a crane.

Yeah, I know, stop patting yourself on the back big dude, others can do it and not need anything more than a "Six Foot Step Ladder" too!  That's 2 Meters give or take a few CM.  Help every last one of my 193 CM see over the roof and ...

I climbed up there and immediately got sun-blinded for a second and began muscling these strange stainless steel hooks into the soffits on the house when I was distracted.  I was about 10 feet (3m) in the air and I felt something trying to land in my ear.  Yes, in public someone was tickling my ear.  I expected to have the MTV Astronaut floating around me, not what I saw.

It was a Monarch Butterfly and I started doing some math.  They were back to lay eggs on the one milkweed plant that I have here that somehow manages to be in plain sight but ignored by the little queens looking to start the next generation.

Monarch Butterfly "Queens" have no spot on the wings where the "Kings" have a spot.  Yes the spot would be a dangly bit on a bull, and no I do not care if King and Queen are inappropriate, I rather like the words in this case.

There I was like a "Disney Prince" on a ladder about 3 yards/meters off the ground, trying not to fall on my Jeep Wrangler or the Orange tree.  I didn't want to break a leg, that would be a career ender and I am only 1900 miles from being able to say I skated around the world in career distance since 1993.

I got off the ladder, the Queen flew off my shoulder and went back to find my lone milkweed.  I watched as she laid one or more eggs and flew off to another piece of the plant.

"You are going to eat yourself out of house and home with your kids you silly bug!"

The plant already had a couple caterpillars on it in various sizes and was looking Moth Eaten.  Monarch Eaten to be more accurate.

Never mind that.  As I went to the next portion of the roof, I screwed in some more hooks and watched her and others.  It's been a dry day, the winds are light, and they kept flapping around me and the lone plant.  There had to be a good five or ten of them coming and going and looking like an approach pattern for an airport.

Eventually I got all the hooks in, then started threading LED wires through the hooks.  The same time it was Caterpillars Crunching, Monarch Moms Multiplying, Monarch Dads Drinking.  I had another one land on my free hand, just like the "Disney Prince" I was that day.

All in all I decided that 80% of 403 feet and only 80 LEDs of Holiday brightness would be sufficient.  It all looked reasonably nice on the house, not too showy, kind of subtle.

I could just be belaboring a point.  Read into it what you like.  I enjoy my weirdly random in phases lights coming and going.

I did read someone near here came around a corner once and spotted someone's display of red and blue lights and thought it was a Police Car.  She nearly wrecked her car by running off road towards a Gumbo Limbo.  Instead of looking at them and reading too much into it, remember, Speed Kills and Drive Alert, Stay Unhurt.

Enjoy your holiday, which ever one you choose to celebrate.  We'll leave a hundred lights on for you.  Now do let me go and nibble on some carbs.  I'm hungry and I am post-workout crashing.

Sunday, December 5, 2021

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

I have a two-fer... But don't blame me, I was out in the shed installing hooks to hang tools, so something might have hit me on the head once or twice.


This one... I have actually seen happen!

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. 

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!" Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened... "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

All I have to say to this next one is "When you get older, Enjoy your pets!"


It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym.

Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.

I have been doing a lot of what this cowboy does lately, so see if you can guess before you hit the punch line!


What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people \haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. 

While he's drinking, some other patrons think it'd be funny to pull a prank on him, so they go untie his horse and lead it away. 

The visitor pays his tab and walks out, yells "What in tarnation?!" and stomps back in, a glare on his face and a hand on his holster.

The visitor yells so the whole saloon can hear, the pianist abruptly stopping. "Alright you varmints! Listen up and listen good; someone went and stole my horse, so here's how it'll be: I'm gettin' one more drink here, and by the time I finish, that horse had better be back at his post, or else I'm goin' to do something awful I did back in Texas. I'm warnin' ya all right now; don't make me do what I had to do back in Texas!"

Everyone at the bar is terrified, so when the visitor has finished his drink, and walked out again, sure enough the horse has been returned. The visitor says "Much obliged", swings up and is about to ride away, when one patron who followed him out says,

"I'm curious, pardner, what was that awful thing you had to do back in Texas that you didn't want to do here?"

The visitor replies, "I had to walk!"

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Making A Pergola Using Discarded Plastic Bottles And PVC Pipe Is Easier Than You Think

The problem with Plastic is that it is "Too Good".

You drink from it.
You use it at the Pool.
You take it with you into the Bathroom.
It is built into your lives.

It is so pervasive that there are rivers in Asia, and probably in "your country" that are clogged with it and you are most likely eating it or breathing it in right now.

But what happens when "it" has reached the end of "it's" life.

There is no "away" to throw it to.  If you put it in the trash can to be taken away, the can is probably plastic, and it will just get dumped into a pile.  The pile may be burned, but from what we know, less than 10 percent of it all gets recycled.

Those helpful numbers on the bottom of the bottle merely tell you what kind of plastic family that object is made from and if there actually is a way to recycle it, it makes it easier.

At least there are helpful projects like that woman in Kenya has going to make bricks for buildings there.  It plays to the strengths of the material and keeps it out of the trash stream.

I have been toying with that myself.  I shredded some #2 HDPE plastic into chips, and it does melt into a form very easily.

However I needed a shade for my Orchids.  Each spring at the beginning of Hurricane season, we have the tree there cut "way back" for safety.  If we ever do get hit, I want to give the storm less of a target.  However that Sea Grape tree shades the flowers and they will "burn" if left in the direct South Florida sun.

I have tried a mix of materials.  Bamboo, Sheeting, and now PVC Pipe. 

I have a neighbor who regularly throws out PVC Pipe and I have collected enough to build a Pergola out of it.  However, this being Florida, I have to make sure it can be easily taken down.

Solution is to build panels.  Not just PVC Pipe, but the Hurricane Water we have here comes in "helpful" little bottles of thin clear plastic. 

The trick is to slice them into finger width rings, then use those rings to bind the pipe segments together into panels.  Each panel is an arbitrary useful length (5 feet) and an arbitrary useful number (7 pipes to a flat bundle).  

Slide the rings over the pipes then blast them with a heat gun.  The plastic (#1 I believe) will shrink up and get rigid when it cools and I now have a nice flat panel to lay on top of a form.

Each ring shrinks in about 30 seconds and will hold the panels in place as needed.  I will say that looking at that first picture, I can improve on the panels by making spacers between each pipe and continue on refining the result.  I don't want total darkness.

I would rather not have water in bottles but they are here for emergency purposes, and have to be rotated and drank in the off season, so every year we get more.

It's best to have a real use for the things.

Since it's all plastic, it is weather resistant instead of the landscape cloth that disintegrated in less than two months.  While I could make this rigid enough to stand on, I prefer it to be in easy pieces to store.

I have another 6 months to go to the beginning of the next Hurricane Season, so by then, I'll have this all stabilized for the winds.

Oh, and no trash this way.  At least not for quite a while.

Sunday, November 28, 2021

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

Ok, maybe not a sad story.  A bit devious but maybe not sad!  You know how those fishermen are...

A sad story

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The Mounties looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news , some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Why can’t Elsa from Frozen have a balloon? Because she will “let it go, let it go.”

So I've been told that people still think you can open a window in a jet.  Silly puppies!

During a flight in a private jet, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain point in the travel, they wanted to know where in the world they are. But the American has an idea and says: "I think we are in New York. Let me confirm" 

So he opens his window (believe me, it was a very modern airplane) and put his arm out. "I was right. Just touched the torch of the Statue of Liberty!" 

They close the window and continue traveling. Some hours later, the same question appears again, and the Arab says: "I think we're in Dubai. Lemme check." He opens the window and put his arm out. "Yes, Dubai it is! I've touched the pinnacle of the Burj Khalifa!"

Later on, the same question. The Brazilian finally said: "My turn. I'm sure we're in Rio now." He opens the window and put his arm out.

"Yes, as I said. We're in Rio, my friends!"

"Did you touch the Christ, didn't you?"

"Absolutely not. My hand doesn't reach anything"

"So how do you know we're in Rio?"

"That was easy. When I pulled my arm back my Rolex was gone!"

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Back To Endurance Inline Skating Workouts A Year After The Accident To The Day

 A Year Ago to the date of that picture, at that spot, I had fallen and broke my clavicle.

Today... I'm back, Baby!

Anniversaries are a strange thing.  As a society, we have a concept of time that weaves with the fabric of life.  You then step back, remember, and move on.  They are, however what you personally make of it.

I pointed at it, made rude noises, a few rude gestures, and went past it with a 20 mile per hour (33 kph) head wind at about 11 miles per hour (18kph).

I celebrated that exact moment by holding up a camera and taking pictures while in a "Hound and Hare" race with a person on "Roller Skis" and the rest of the people on the trails.

I'll admit it, I enjoy surprising people when I pass by them at speed.

You see that was the spot it happened.  That little collection of trees against the trails has a tree with a nasty seed pod that hits the ground, explodes, and sends shrapnel all over the place.  That happened that day, November 23, 2020, right as I went under the tree.  One of the pieces that was about as long and thick as my finger, and knocked me to the ground.   

I was going MUCH faster that day.  You see, I had finally worn out my old speed skates, my old fitness skates, and used up almost all of the old "backstock" of wheels from the time when I was skating three hyper-marathons per week on the trails in Philadelphia on the Schuylkill River Trail up until I moved to Florida in 2006.  I had run out of the "MilSpec" duct tape that I was using to keep the boot liners together and I was well overdue for a full replacement.

I found my new skates online, Rollerblade Twister Edge X, and waited about a month to get the things.  Supply lines were unstable then and unstable now.

I don't really recommend buying inline skates online without trying them out unless you are extremely careful, and getting them involved drawing a tracing of my foot on paper and measuring them in millimeters (280) and rounding up to the next size (290).

Oddly, they fit quite well although I will be heat molding the boot ... some day.  Hard Boots for Distance, Soft Boots won't hold up to the punishment, over the thousands of Miles.

Hey, I just want to skate.

Yesterday, November 23, 2021, I did.  Actually since I got those boots, I skated as soon as I was allowed by the Doctor, and have done only 560 miles (933 Km) since then this year.  Between Covid filling the emergency wards, High Summer in Florida cutting back distance, and rain, I have been holding the distance back to more moderate levels.

Those skates came with some amazing wheels and bearings that were much faster than the run of the mill skates.  That contributed to the fall, I had a tail wind that day and the rolling was easy.  Public trails in the US tend to be groomed but only to a point.  The trail I use is groomed first thing on a Monday, and I was out early on that Monday a year ago. 

Since I had not been sponsored since the very early 2000s before the sport collapsed, I wanted to be very careful with what I was getting.  That single white wheel is one I would love to get more of.  The Rollerblade Hydrogens that came with the boot are awesome.  Far better than the low end green ones I got online.  I usually laugh at anything that describes themselves as "Premium" because these days it means nothing, but trust me, those wheels are amazing.

Now with the Delta Plus surge taking over Europe and the Northern US, I'll be skating again but watching over my shoulder.

Skating is a "Non-Contact Sport".  Until you fall.  Anyone I have trained, I have said simply "You Will Fall, Prepare For It".  Some falls are simple, you get the boot on and don't have enough momentum to get going.  You lose balance and wobble onto the grass.  Any number of survivable incidents.  I have hugged a palm tree as well as fallen on wet grass into a somersault.  Then again, I've been doing this since 1993.

Other falls like mine are more dramatic, not career ending but to be avoided. The Physical Training and Recuperation phase is tedious.  We figure I was going over 15MPH when I crashed onto that right shoulder.

I apparently have not learned because I have a new frame for the new wheels that will increase speed but also increase the ability to smooth the bumps in the trails.  I'll be going from the old school 80MM wheels that came with the skate to 110MM wheels.  

What was that blur?  Bill running into a tree?  Let's hope not.

I know someone who heard how much fun that I had on my own workouts and bought some skates.  He fell immediately before leaving his driveway, broke his foot, and put the skates in the dumpster.  Too bad, I could have used the parts.

You are in competition with yourself with Distance skating.  Endurance.  I think nothing of getting into the gear and doing 2 hours or more and burning up all that urethane.  It's harder for me to get to the trails than it is to do the workout.  Workouts become "logistics" and not tedious.

Once there, it's time to fly. 

I don't jump, grind, or flip.  I go far, fast, and forward.  I've always measured workouts in terms of hours and distance.  22,777 miles to date, 36656.03 Km according to DuckDuckGo.  No goal other than Once Around The World Distance At The Equator.  

24,901 miles?  It's doable.

I've got time.  There's always time for an extra mile.  I accelerate like a truck and just keep rolling.

Sunday, November 21, 2021

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.

You know, I have been riding a bike when the conditions are not prime for my inline skating workout.  I have cobbled together a four cardio days a week workout, and all I have to do is get the bike out and ride.  

I'm hyper aware of the road conditions and the weather (it's raining right now and will be for a bit).  There are some truly horrific drivers here in South Florida, and when I am on my skates or my bike...

there is one less on the road!  :)


A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. 

She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, fast. He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike as she shoots past him. "She must be going 80 miles per hour!" he shouts, and shifts into a higher gear, pushing the car even faster.

He quickly blasts past her as if she were standing still. But again, just a few seconds later, she shoots past him, now doing over a hundred miles an hour on her little bike. Going so fast, sparks and smoke are streaming from her training wheels.

After another few seconds, he comes to a curve where he sees the little girl crashed in a heap on the side of the road. He pulls over and jumps out to see if she's okay. Miraculously she's survived. So he asks, "Why did you go so fast?"

Just as she falls unconscious, the little girl replies, "my streamers got caught on your mirror!"

Saturday, November 20, 2021

What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.

Perfect timing can be a bit of a curse.  You get complacent.  I have been riding a bike up and down the town here and even with traffic calming and exercising quite off peak, I have turned my head and saw a truck baring down on me.  Just be careful out there!


Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

A Conversation With Dog

One of those mornings.  

Two dog walks down, a mile power walk, and the bike ride was yet to come.

I was sitting in the big green chair.  It faces the car port and next to the dog in what has become His Corner.

Yes, it is capitalized that way.  His Corner.  He sits there all day if I am home, and you can see how active I am.  Bike Ride Days are moderately active for me, Skate Days I go at a calorie deficit all day if I maintain my normal training diet.  The other three days are what most people would consider active as I walk between four to five miles a day in four dog walks. 

The health insurance company I use thinks that I am too active as they stop giving me points by "maxing me out" on active days.

On the second dog walk of the day, the one with the power walk at the end of it, we noticed that today was a special day that happens once a month.  Yes, it was Bulk Trash Day.

We have regular trash day twice a week, recycling once a week, and Bulk Trash once a month where everything "else" gets picked up by a truck with a big claw on the back and put into an open truck and moved somewhere.  I have actually seen these trucks on the road and you really don't want to get behind one, things fly off.

I have a clear view to the corner near my house, in the general direction of Fort Myers or Naples, depending on where I am sitting and which telephone pole I look at.  Way over the Everglades from here in Wilton Manors. 

The people who live on the corner love to celebrate holidays.  They build structures out of plastic pipe and foam board and sparkles and bits of string.  They are truly creative.  However that stuff collects.  This Bulk Trash Day they decided to clear out the chaff and among the particle board furniture and cardboard boxes, they left some of that plastic pipe.  Yoink! You're mine!  I need to strengthen that Lean-To I have to protect my orchids in the summer when the trees get trimmed.

Those partially assembled plastic rectangles are now behind the Jeep.  I have to tell them not to glue this stuff together and use some plastic bags for compression fittings.  If the thing you are building does not need to be watertight or structural, a little bit of plastic in the fittings will gum up the works just enough to have things stable for the event, and you can reuse instead of trash the pipes.   I have rescued quite a lot of PVC pipe from their bulk trash before.

Having gone back to the Big Green Chair, I'm working through my Spanish tests online and I hear a Bass Drum BOOM from the corner.  Looking up I notice the claw dropping an old white couch into the hopper.

I also hear at my elbow a low rumble.

"Rack it's ok, look!"

He looks at me.

"No, Rack, it's the truck on the corner.  Up!  See?"

I point at the corner.  

Rack stands up, stretches, then puts his feet up on the window well.  He looks over at the corner, then me.

"See?  It's just the truck on the corner.  It's OK, you don't need to grumble."

Immediately, he stops.  Relaxed, he curls back into the dog ball he was on the big blue poof of a dog bed in the corner at my elbow. 

I laugh at him when I realize he took the plush Squirrel Toy off my chair.  "You're not supposed to be that bold, that's my chair you little dingus!"

I guess when all has been said and done, he's had a conversation with me too.

As I finish this, I hear that familiar grumble and look up.  Fed-Ex is out front.  "Rack, No."  He settles back down and peace has been restored.

Sunday, November 14, 2021

What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.

I think this is one of those situations where you just don't ask many questions.  Wouldn't you agree?


He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. 

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. 

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

Saturday, November 13, 2021

How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.

You know, some day I may actually put drapes on my master bedroom windows.  For now, I'll trust that the plants will protect me from prying eyes!


Karen was furious!

She will chew someone's had off.

Karen: This is outrageous. I need speak to whoever in charge of this flight.

Air Hostess: What seems to be the problem, mam?

Karen: Who designed the interior of ths plane? Surely some guy, because his work shows the lack of decency only a guy could lack.

Air Hostess: Calm down mam! Please tell me what is bothering you!

Karen: THERE IS NO BLINDS IN THE LAVATORY! I AM TOTALLY EXPOSED IN THERE! How can I finish my business if I have to constantly worry about someone peeking from outside!

Air Hostess: Mam! If a guy is strong enough to cling on to the plane's Wings at 35000 feet above ground, he deserves to see everything!

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Is A Sport Watch Strictly Necessary or Will A Heart Rate Monitor and a Phone Work For You

I have four sports that I am involved in, none of them involve going underwater or climbing into the atmosphere.  If you do any of that, you're not going to be able to use this dodge.

Since I am a ground pounder, or more likely someone who is on wheels, when I workout, I have different needs than those who isn't.  Living in South Florida, there are plenty of opportunities to go out and swim.  Pools, the Ocean, the reefs.

I never really found all that attractive so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

When I moved out of the house as a teen, I needed to shed weight.  I got into nutrition, weight lifted, walked miles, and begun running.  By the time I graduated college, I had dropped 75 pounds, and got light enough to begin distance running.

Back then the only thing I really needed to know is how far I would run.  I was not a racer, I had not been timed since I was a child in Elementary School.  

Moving to be near my job, I found I could run at Valley Forge National Park in suburban Philadelphia PA.  The workouts got longer, I needed some entertainment.  I brought a pocket shortwave radio and was able to listen to the BBC.  Yes, I was running on the encampments of the Revolutionary War listening to the British Broadcasting Corporation.   The irony was not lost on me.

But run I did.  One lap was 10Km.  I would do that 10K three times a week.  The shortwave was joined with a bottle or two of water.

Later I got into Biking and then Inline Skating.  I could judge how I was progressing by using distance but my speed was variable.  So I had a watch.  The trails were always marked and I could get a rough speed by the old standby distance over time.

But how hard was I pushing myself.  That was when I got into the whole sport watch thing.  I had an old Polar that was enough.  A Stopwatch and Heart Rate Strap and I was golden.  I could watch things change as I was rolling or running along.

After a sprint around the park, check the average heart rate (183) and the peak (204) and yes, I was pushing myself hard. 

I've always been told that I workout at at 12 on the 10 point scale.

But the needs change.

It turns out that I could get money back from my health insurance if I report back regularly. 

What I needed was a heart rate monitor that talked to the phone at the very least.   I started looking around for something "Bluetooth".  There are a lot of heart rate watches that do calorie count estimates based on the magic of Math, but were they accurate?

There was also a strap that fit around the chest and reported back to the phone via Bluetooth that was a good fit.  I had a generic heart rate monitor that I found for $30 and connecting with some of the software suites out there for exercise like Strava and Runkeeper, I would report back to the health insurance company and get a few pennies a day.  Strava to share workouts with family, Runkeeper to tell me what I was doing at this minute through the headphones.

That is now around $10 a week.  I paid off that heart rate strap and wondered whether the watches would work.

I'm not convinced that they do.

The watches will talk back to their own software that will talk to the phone and report back to the insurance company.   Since I listen to music while working out, I have to have something, and there's just so much more music out there on streams than you can ever hope to listen to, the phone is already coming with me.

A Watch is just more hardware to cart along.

Runkeeper is even telling me what my pace, heart rate, distance and other statistics are through the headphones.   Either software will give me instantaneous distance/speed/location.  I get a map that is accurate to within feet using GPS. 

So what did I learn about the watches?

I inline skate.  Rollerblade.  My last workout was a 15 mile "half marathon".  Roll for 45-50 minutes, water stop, rest, and repeat.  Out in the Florida Winter, it was cool but not cold.  75F/23C or so. 

Why is that important?  The sensors on a watch use light pulses through the skin to report back to the watch.   Having used a watch that used that technology, I'm thinking that for anyone in a workout that gets sweaty or wet, it is pointless to use that technology.

Sure, it is getting "Better" but that heart rate strap that is around my chest is spot on perfect.  The watches won't even read my heart rate correctly if I am sitting in a chair watching the television at night.  The chest strap is doing some magic running some electronics through your chest.  It requires sweat to keep contact with your body so it's strength is the weakness of those $30 to $900 watches that use LEDs to scan your wrist.

I know the various watches were not accurate because I was taking my pulse manually at the time and watching the various watches get it wrong.

So for now, looking for a deal on one of the high end watches online is a hobby and I'll stay where I am.  If the runner who is down the street ever decides he wants to shed some of them, I'll give it a try but my cheap cobbled together solution of free phone software and a $30 Bluetooth strap simply works.

If I ever need a diver's watch, I have an old school automatic mechanical Seiko on my wrist that is Buy It For Life quality that will do for dive timing.  Climbing a mountain?  Different story, I'll climb that hill when I come to it, and do so in low gear.

I wonder if my adult nephew will want it when I am gone?  It's a damn good watch even if I bought it in 2003 and the red on the timing ring is faded from the pool in the back yard!

Sunday, November 7, 2021

What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week because of the intermittent buzzing.

The doctor asks if he has experienced any neurological symptoms, such as headaches or hallucinations.

The man says no, although he has been extremely fatigued, even considering the loss of sleep, and has frequently felt lightheaded and had chest pains. Twice, he has had dizzy spells and almost fallen down stairs.

The man finally stammers that his mucus and earwax has begun to taste sweeter, and become more viscous. He inquires as to whether this might indicate diabetes.

The doctor gives the patient a grave look and asks where he lives.

The man tells him.

The doctor's face falls. He takes a deep breath and begins to inform the man that he lives within a few miles of a secret government research facility. Until a few months ago, the facility had been conducting a project attempting to genetically engineer super-intelligent bees, and train them into soldiers.

The project had backfired. The bees had learned well from the military, but they had no desire to fight in human wars. Instead, they had applied the medical knowledge taught to them so as to refine a technique for turning the human body into a living hive.

The patient listens in horror as the doctor explains to him how the bees have colonized his chest cavity. How even now they are growing fungi and tending microscopic arthropod livestock in the man's vital organs.

Trembling, the man asks how long he has.

"A couple weeks, maybe three", says the doctor. "Although the last few days will be sheer agony. The bees do a remarkable job of keeping their hosts alive, but eventually they take their tolls and move on."

The man returns home. Not knowing what to do, he lights a cigarette and smokes it on his apartment balcony while listening to the bees' faint chorus.

About halfway through the cigarette, his girlfriend calls. They had been on a break, but she says she's thought long and hard, and come to the conclusion that he's the man she wants to spend her life with. In tears, she asks if there's anything on this Earth that could stop them from growing old together.

After a long pause, the man sobs,

"Oh, bees till my beating heart!"

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.

After having seen many videos on social media of people deciding that they wanted all the halloween candy left in a bowl on porches... I have decided that you people, in general, need to be a bit less grabby. 

After all, this old couple knows when to share!


 Sharing is caring...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered: 'The teeth"

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Inline Skating Once Around The World With Only 2200 Miles To Go

22,711 miles.

36,550 kilometers.

Give or take a bit.  Plus or minus a few.

Since 1993 I have been on inline skates, every year.  The distance adds up.

I call myself an endurance athlete.  Left foot, right foot, eventually you get there.

I started out with some basic plastic boots from Rollerblade and did a mile.  Barely.  

You see, my knees were damaged from too many different sports.  Running, biking, a little football, a little of a lot of other things.  The years took their toll.

There were the car accident, the motorcycle accident, and the subsequent recuperations.

I was the asthmatic kid who was picked last for any sport.  It turned out that I had an allergy to milk as a child and it took a random suggestion that I get off any and all dairy for a cleanse.   

If your child has asthma or allergies, try it.  It worked for me.  It broke my seasonal allergies so quickly that August each year I'd get off dairy and by September when the pollution and pollen of Pennsylvania hit, I'd sail through it with absolutely no hay fever.

The year before I would be on these weird little 12 hour pills that would kill the allergies but made me an irritable sleepy mess.  Chlortrimeton I believe.

So you get the picture.

I took to the sport like a fish to water.  Inline Skating is non contact, if you don't fall.  It is cardio at your own pace.  Just watch the pavement.

I got into it at the beginning of the boom of the 90s.  In 1993, it was massive in Philadelphia, through the 90s and into the 2000s.  Stuff the doubters, It's Fun!

Going to Fairmount Park, you know, the Rocky Steps, I'd start doing a lap.  I was proud of that 8.6 miles.  

Always counting distance from day one.  I'd even out the workout to a round number and add up, finish at an even mile.

I made friends with The Team there, and while that was too organized for my soul, I talked techniques and equipment.

Tom said that a minimum regular workout was a minimum of two laps of the park.  So immediately I did two laps.  

Hmmm... I can do this.  

Distance grew.  I got to where I was doing hyper marathons three times a week.  100 miles a week (162km) from Philadelphia to Valley Forge.  With a nod to Washington's Troops, I'd go out to the Perkiomen Creek bridge and have a stop.  Then back and forth and to the car at the Philadelphia line.

Never took a vacation without my inline skates and that black bag.  

Long workouts are not so much a battle against your body but Logistics.  I knew that I would take a leisurely three hours to do my 33 miles with rest stops.  If that cloud west of me does not hit, I can squeeze in a skate and get back before dark.

April to October I had a runner's high.  Seriously.  All summer.

One year I did 200 miles in one week skating every day at Fairmount Park.  So much that the park workers asked me what I was doing.  The peak day was 54 miles one Sunday Morning.

One of those vacations, I loaded up the Jeep and drove to Key West and skated once around the island.  In February.

Made it up to Ft Lauderdale and skated there.

I got back to my dreary February life in frigid Philly and vowed to get out when I could.  Oh sure, I had a nice life on top of a hill when I could get out but the winters killed me.

Eventually I left the incompetence of my job's management for Florida and reestablished things here but the skates priorities lagged.  

Now I am back.  As long as Covid and the world stay out of my way, I will be able to reach a goal I have been playing with.

Once around the world at the equator.  That is 24,901 miles.  40,075 km.  Give or take.  The world bulges and shifts.   

I am only 2200 miles away.  If I had the longer trails of the North, I could easily have that done

by this time next year.  

Life has changed priorities.  I still see the workout as Logistics.  Bring this much ice water.  Snacks for when you burn through your starting blood sugar.  Make sure that the right kind of music is on the player.  Get the heart rate monitor, and start the software on the phone.  There is a rain cloud over The Bahamas, will it hit Pompano Beach before I can finish?  

That last one is a beast.  If I get so much as a sheen of water on the trails, it will get pulled up into the bearings of my skates and rust them out in five minutes.  

I used to be sponsored, I'm not any more.   There isn't really a lot of sponsorship in the sport, especially for endurance skaters.  I have to protect the equipment.  Parts are not exactly easy to get.  I can't roll into a store on South Street and say "Hey, I need a pair of 80MM push wheels!"

So I'm Back.  I'm now skating in Pompano Beach, carving loops in the pavement around the Goodyear Blimp.  The regulars know me as that big guy who skates.  We're still out there.

With 2200 miles to go, I'll be out there again.

Crossing that magic number is merely a mental goal.  But it is a light glowing for me.  Once I pass that number there won't be a celebration other than in my own mind.  I sincerely doubt there will be anyone else who will ever say "wanna, get a sandwich or something".  Well, not completely true.  When I stop Runkeeper, the voice says exactly that.

But I will know.  That formerly asthmatic kid who could not run the 440 yard dash just skated once around the world. 

So what is all this about?  Stuff your doubters into the trash, you can do this.  Set your mind to it, and set realistic goals.  Push yourself.  Besides, that cardio rush of a runner's high is a nice healthy way to be, as long as your body will allow.  

And if you hear that I "went" sitting on a bench in the middle of a workout?  Hey I "went" doing what I love.

Wanna Skate?

Sunday, October 31, 2021

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Answer = Thunderwear.

So I finished my Spanish for the day on Duolingo, and it is just about time to get out and have the morning 2 mile march around town.  There was a story about a lady that called a broken arm in a plane crash being not a big thing.  I think she's lost her mind.  But this story fits well with what follows, right?

And since it's a bit short, I have a two fer for you in that same vein!

  Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like 'can't wait!' 'can't wait!' and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year old?"

"Nah, she was a grown woman, in her thirties at least!"

"Oh, she must've been on drugs."

"That's what security thought too, so they got her tested."

"What was she taking?"

"Nothing apparently! Turns out she was just plane crazy!"


And ...



A man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday, and so on like that.“ Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and sees the patient’s wife.

“Hello Mrs Murphy“ He says “And how is your husband?“ “ he died of a heart attack,“ says Mrs Murphy. “I am very sorry to hear that,”Says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be alright.“

“All the tablets were fine“ says Mrs Murphy “It was all the skipping that killed him!“

Saturday, October 30, 2021

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? Answer = A stick.

As I am sitting here watching an old Green Acres rerun, this fits well.  That whole farm and rural thing that happened before the Rural Purge.  Too bad, it's a fun series if a bit dippy.


A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just asked me that. I don’t have strawberries!”

Another 5 minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, Mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear responds.

“Listen here pal. Ask me one more time if I have strawberries and I will nail you to that tree!”

The bunny was disappointed but after a few minutes he asks the bear again.

“Mr. Bear, Mr. Bear do you have nails?”

“No” responds the bear.

“What about strawberries?”


Wednesday, October 27, 2021

An Inline Skater Tries Biking And Finds It's Not Completely Terrible

 When you plan your workouts in terms of hours, it gives you plenty of time to think.  It no longer is a workout but "logistics".  When I workout, I usually am at about a 12 on a 10 Point Scale.

I really should train for the marathon skate workouts I used to do before I got down here but the trails in South Florida are not as good as they were in Philadelphia.  Up there, I'd do 33 miles 3 times a week, and a wee bit more just to claim the 100 miles this week... then repeat from April to October.

Here, the best trail I found in the Fort Lauderdale, FL area is only 4.6 miles at the Pompano Beach Airpark.  Yes, Only 4.6 miles.  It's a bit short for me.

Add to all that nonsense what is happening in the world.  

I kept reading that the Emergency Wards were filling up with people who were unvaccinated against Covid.  A few breakthrough cases here and there, but they were few.

I panicked.  You see on a good day there is nothing I like better than getting on my inline skates and rolling out a good hour flying down a trail.

Then there are bad days.  A bit of unseen garbage on the trail and I'm down.

So let's pivot our workout.

I first tried running knowing full well it would not last.  One month later my knee was complaining and it was time to stop.  The cardio aspect was great, but my knees were damaged from Football, Skating, and Running "Back in the Day".  I used to run 10K, three times a week at Valley Forge National Park.  There's a hill there that is about a 30% incline.  Oh and I was also 20 to 30 pounds lighter than I am now.  I'm also 30 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of Covid, but now I am a lot more muscular than I was back at my running days.

So I pivoted again.  This time to the bike.

Mind you I'm not fond of a bike.  As I have heard and said... "If I am going to be sitting on something that uncomfortable as a bike seat, I expect dinner and drinks first".

I managed to find a route around town.  The bike I have here for emergencies took air in the tires and has held the air for a month so far.  The seat was easily upgraded when a neighbor was throwing out his beach cruiser.  All of my equipment was fine.

This bike was small for me, but it was serviceable and sound.  It's sized for someone else, I would need a much bigger bike than this little cruiser.  But it worked.  

Three times a week for the last month I have been carving out a path up and down the main street of my city, listening to Runkeeper's Mr Announcer telling me my statistics and that "You're doing Great!" in a weirdly monotone male voice.   

Some of the other voices are a cringe.  With a Stereotype here and there like a French Woman out of a bad romance comedy, something sounding like a drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, and a weirdly passive sounding male voice, I chose Mr Announcer.  Mr Announcer was basically American Standard English Radio Announcer telling me that my distance was 7.51 miles, average heart rate was 145, and so forth.

Average HR 145?  A bit slow but it will do.  Skating I will average 165 on a slow day, peak over 180. Race Trained, Endurance Honed.

I noticed others noticing me as well. There are plenty of people around who are doing their own workouts and will wave and say hi as you go past, regardless of the workout.  

Back in the bad old days, there was animosity between anyone on a bike towards anyone else.  Why would they like to take a chance with anyone else over their choice of workout I can't understand but I learned a long time ago to just do my thing.

So for the rest of the month, I'm going to continue with the bike.  Next month I think I will try my skates on again at the park.  I need my cardio.  Maybe continue once a week with a bike.  Cross training is good.

Who knows, maybe I can make it through the end of the year without falling on the death nuts that drop with a BANG! from the trees around here.

Until then, it's cardio time.  It's good for the heart and at my level the Runner's High is a truly wonderful thing.  I'll heat treat my boots and be back out there soon enough.

Wanna Skate?  I'm only 1000 miles from my goal of skating once around the world at the equator, 24,701 miles...

Sunday, October 24, 2021

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"

 I read these jokes that are sent to me and I keep them on a text file.  They don't get there if I don't at least smile.  This one is one of those that I just got a smile from.  Hopefully you will too.

Earring no tales

I'm on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat.
Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear.
No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new accessory.

--"It's no big deal, my man. Just one of those things.'
-- Ok, no big deal, but still it's unlike him and I hadn't noticed it before.
So, knowing him for awhile I press it a little and mention well I haven't noticed it before when did you have it pierced?
--"It's been pierced since my wife found it in my truck Tuesday morning."

---  Since it is short, here's another one for a two fer  ---

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month.
Husband: ok. If you fail, I will have your salary too, right?
Wife: (smiles) Yes darling.
Husband: okay. ( stood up and was ready to run in any direction.)
Wife: Are you ready?
Husband :Yes ready.
Wife: Turkey......
It has been four hours now and the husband is still standing at the spot wondering IF she meant the country or the bird.