Sunday, September 19, 2021

Why is that fighter smiling? Because he's gladiator.

 A Sunday Two-fer...


A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar with gorgeous ladies who forgot to dress.

He hears the priest enter:

"Father, forgive me for so many years since my last confession!" As I look at things, things have improved a lot, it's much more cozy here now than it was before.

The priest answers:

"Come out, you idiot!" You're in my half!

... and ...

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”


Saturday, September 18, 2021

You know what would make your bad day even worse? Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

Having watched Red Dwarf, I completely believe this could be a cat.  Even a big cat!  No matter how evolved that cat might be, it's still a cat.

(You'd have to watch Red Dwarf to get that I guess.)


Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"


Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, you don't have to get so angry, just because you don't know the answer!"

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Ok, I give up, I'll get a new heat gun.

OK, I give up.

I try hard not to buy tools online or in a store.  There are too many thrift stores around me to justify splashing out on a brand spanking new thing but in this case, well blah here we go.

Hey, feel like a trip to the hardware store?

Yep.  I'm off.  You see, I'm in the middle of this month of self imposed exile from the trails.  It gave me plenty of time to give a long hard look at my skates and a couple other projects here, and I came to the conclusion that I need to buy a new heat gun.

The hair dryer did not work, it just is not hot enough to melt the plastic sufficiently. 

Mind you, the skates I bought last year are great but they have a quirk in the fitting that I need to remedy.  It rests against a bone under my right ankle as I give power to the wheels and it needs to be heated and pushed outwards to give me a little more room.

The standard skater tricks of surgical tape and double socks only worked so far and I am convinced a heat gun will do the trick.

There are also a few things that need to be "melted".  Having a Jeep Wrangler means that you have grey plastic parts after a while, and treating them with a heat gun will turn them back to black.

The first thing I did was to take stock of what was online and find a benchmark for price.  $10 is a great price but I didn't want to drive to Miami in a Jeep that gets 18MPG highway (23 with a tail wind on the overseas highway to the Keys). 

Then to one thrift store more.  Nope.

Then I went onto the online retailers and found it for $17. 

Even went to a craft store and they had a low end one for $26.  No, those sell online for under $10 thanks.

Oh and those plastic bottles everyone seems to love to hate?  If you wrap one around something and blast it with a heat gun it turns into shrink wrap that you'll never get it free without cutting it!

Cool huh?  Better than "Recycling" it because you understand nobody has figured out how to recycle plastic.

By The Way... use a reusable bottle for your water needs.  Mother Earth will thank you, and so will I.

Supposedly if you do it right, it can be used for heat shrinking and making things waterproof and ... 

You get the picture.  I got the heat gun last night.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine. Catscan.


Two friends are walking their dogs — a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua — when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Remember, 20 years on.


September 11, 2021.  20 years on.  

A Joke on a Saturday, as is customary, would just not be right on this day.  

But today I did have a choice that thousands who were murdered by extremists did not have.  I was able to get up, early as usual, and complain that I should have known better to put on the BBC World Service to get the news.  As Usual.

Coverage saying President Biden would be visiting all three sites for memorials.  New York, Pentagon, and Shenksville PA I assumed. 

BBC went on to review the last 20 years of actions in the middle east.  

Usual has changed.

That morning in 2001, I was sitting in my office at my desk trying to get to any news outlet online that would connect.  The internet was flooded with requests and I was working at a major university in Philadelphia.  This was not a place that should have had problems connecting to a news site.

Today, though, I went on to walk the dog.  Or rather to be towed around the block by my own dog.

I did have that choice.

Running into a neighbor, I pulled the headphones from my ears and said "I should have known better than to listen to the BBC on 9/11".  I got lecture of a list of ways to avoid media ending with his plan to watch "Old Sitcoms".  That's what I do on a normal evening so I smiled.

I did have that choice.

I did also put the BBC back on my headphones and continued to the house.  

Remember, You have the choice.

I kept thinking of when they had stopped all flights as of that day and the later resumption of the flights.  On the day of resumption, I was out in Fairmount Park skating a marathon as usual.  It was a clear day and I was talking to a random bicyclist heading south on West River Drive when a jet passed overhead on its way to Philadelphia International Airport.  I remarked that it was the first plane in "weeks" and we both rolled to a stop and watched it.

It's 20 years on.   There's a generation of children that grew up in its wake.  They will never know what it was like before.  If you wanted to say something had past for a while you simply said "That is so September Tenth" and went on.  

We who can, should remember.  After all, we do have the choice.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Rack's Dog Food Recipe or How To Meal Prep For A Dog

Basically Rack is a trial to feed.  He's got grain allergies, and he's got poultry allergies.  Since we lost Lettie before due to one of those Dog Food Scares, we refuse to feed Rack anything that is not home made.

Making dog food is not a difficult thing to do, but it takes a fair amount of preparation.  I do everything from scratch, if you are a long time reader of this blog, search for recipes and you will find that I home roast coffee, churn butter, make scratch biscuits, and many recipes for bread.

The ingredient list is simple however, I will explain at the end how I actually prepare EACH ingredient.  If you do things that way, you can shortcut the recipe to under 1/2 hour of cooking.

 Ingredients are in "Imperial" and converted to Metric.

All Ingredients are UNSALTED or LOW SALT:

  • 2.5 pounds/1.1kg ground beef (I use 77% Lean or better)
  • 24 ounces/3 cups/710ml water
  • 3 ounces/90g unsalted pre-cooked green peas
  • 5 ounces/150g finely shredded partially pre-cooked carrots
  • 15-16 ounces/450g pre-cooked Kidney Beans (I have also used Pinto Beans)
  • 1 can/15-16 ounces/450g Butternut Squash or Pumpkin - NOT PUMPKIN PIE FILLING
  • 21 ounces/600g pre-cooked white rice (I prefer Jasmine but that's because I can get it)


Process:

  • Brown and drain the ground beef in a large pot of about a gallon/4 liters
  • Return beef to the pot and add water.
  • Turn on the heat again and begin to warm the water to simmer.
  • Add ingredients in the order listed allowing the water to come back to simmer between each ingredient
  • Allow the food to cool before serving.  Dogs will eat things that are too hot for them but you don't want to harm your friend.  The pre-cooked rice will soak up extra water when stored in the refrigerator.


Preparing the ingredients.

Carrots:  I peel carrots and grate them finely in a food processor.  A Box Grater will work if you are patient.  Portion the carrots in bags and freeze the carrots.  Thaw before use.  This freeze/thaw cycle will "cook" the carrots and make them more palatable to the dog.

Beans:  If you can find a low or no sodium bean in a can you can use this.  I buy dry kidney beans in bulk because they are vastly cheaper than in a can.   Also, there is very little difference between varieties of beans for nutrition.   Buy what is in season or cheapest, I do.

To cook beans using an Instant Pot or a Crock Pot Express, rinse beans, add 3 cups of water to 1 cup of beans.  Cook on High Pressure for 45 minutes and Natural Release for 15 minutes.  Beans should be portioned as needed and for the dog food, mash them partially to make them more bio-available.

Rice:  Rinse rice.  3 parts rice to 4 parts water.  Add a tablespoon of cooking oil to the water before sealing the Rice Cooker or Instant Pot.  

For the Instant Pot/Crock Pot Express, use the Rice Button but reduce time to 6 minutes.  Turn off the Keep Warm button.  I tend to allow the rice to sit in the pot for about 5 minutes or so for Natural Release, then carefully vent the pot.  Don't burn yourself!

Peas:  I use frozen peas that are warmed in the microwave before adding to the mix.  Mash the peas in a bowl/cup before adding to make them more bio-available.

Water:  Since I have access to filtered water, I always use that.

Sunday, September 5, 2021

What do they call Pringles in Spain? Prespañol.

I have a can of Prespañol on the counter.  Less Salt it promises, but I'll charge through it in short order!

So I guess I'll keep this on a theme.  After all, I've got quite a few of these clergy related jokes, and who doesn't like tweaking a Nun?

 

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?"
 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, " Nuns are not spinsters*! Nuns are married to God.." 


The patient replied, "Perfect... Send the bill to my brother-in-law"

Saturday, September 4, 2021

The military is now using gender neutral terms like cannonfodder and expendable.

 And speaking of fodder, a lot of the stories I came across that I liked were to do with the clergy.   No idea why, I guess we are all effected by them in our own ways!

Even if this is a little more "PG" than my usual weekend fare...


A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Covid 19 is Killing My Outdoor Workout... Again

Over the months of this long drawn out epic, my mindset has changed.

If you don't want to get a vaccine, great.  When you get sick, don't go to the hospital and tough it out.  You made your choice, and you Lab Rats are effecting the rest of society badly.

And while I don't like repeating things I wrote, this situation has been on my mind lately.

You see, November 23, 2020, I wiped out on my skates.  Now when I say I wiped out, I say a nut from a tree fell from a tree in front of my lead wheel on my right foot and tripped me when I went under it.  Literally, no time to react.  I went down without realizing that I had been slammed into the pavement until after I "came to".  Broke my right clavicle.  First major injury since I started skating in 1993.  22,427 miles.

I've been hearing reports that the lab rats have been filling up the emergency rooms in South Florida because they have been getting sick.  I've also heard that there are some vaccinated who are getting sick and ending up there in much smaller numbers of about 1/2 of 1%.  

So basically the ERs are full.  Or nearing capacity.  A Hospital does not want an empty bed because it's a For Profit business and it means they can't charge an obscene amount of money for that bed that night, but it does not mean that you want to be there.  

When I was there in November 2020, I was greeted with a green flag on my door.  I was the only one.  The rest was full of poor souls that were struggling to remain alive.  So while they gave me happy pills and let me watch Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and laughing my head off waiting for the Doctors to make a decision on what to do, people were dying around me and there I was laughing at the oompa loompas like a weird unicorn.

To say it was a surreal situation is quite an understatement.

Fast forward to today. 

Someone pointed me to a local South Florida inline skating group.  (Sorry, Facebook link.)  The page read just like old times.  The same vibe of the skaters getting together, having fun, doing marathons, skating new places.  I was deeply involved in the scene in the 1990s and 2000s in Philadelphia, and continued skating to this day.

And then... speed bump.  One of their skaters broke his clavicle in NYC and now has a gofundme page for his injury.  Luckily my insurance is better than that.  Or else I would be in the same spot.

We need socialized, single payer health care.  Nobody should be bankrupted by 20 dollar aspirin and 180 dollar shoulder braces.  And stuff your fox "news" republican infested nonsense, the rest of the world came to this conclusion decades ago.

If you dislike my opinion feel free to write your own blog.

That speed bump is way too close to home.

I am an elite inline skater.  I specialize in distance.  Endurance.  For me to burn through 2000 calories in a workout is nothing.  I have skated 54 miles in one workout.  Total to date I have skated 22,700 miles or 36,532 KM. 

For comparison, the Equator is 24,901 miles or 40,075 KM.  That is my goal.  I will get there eventually and I will pass that.  

Yes, always on a measured trail and yes I always have kept count since 1993.  For me to strap on a heart monitor and skate with a GPS is a normal thing.

But for now, I am transitioning to a different exercise "For The Duration".  Assuming it does not blow out my knees, I'll be jogging.  I used to jog at Valley Forge National Park, three times a week for 10K.  I'd power up that one hill past all the ramparts and down the other side.  Pennsylvania can be quite hilly.

Back then I had a shortwave radio and listened to the BBC World Service jogging in a park devoted to the US Revolution.  The irony was not lost on me.

I can at least jog here in town and don't have to get out into the Jeep to drive to the park in Pompano Beach.  Once I get some distance going, I'll go up there for a change of pace, but these little warm up jogs are just training exercises to keep my weight down and to get used to this kind of workout.  I've lost 28 pounds since the beginning of lockdowns last year, and I will not get fat.  You see, obese people get sicker faster with Covid, it's a co-factor.

For now.  Someone else will use my parking space under the tree near the fire-hall in the park.  I don't want to chance being back in the ER.  Driving a manual transmission is a circus act when your right shoulder is not working due to a broken collarbone.

All you lab rats?  Do what you want but if you get sick, don't make it worse for the rest of us.  I'm already wearing a mask when I go to a mall and got my vaccines so I'm carrying your weight too.  When Grandma or your kid gets sick, don't run to me because you gave it to them, the rest of the world is sick of your garbage.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

What do you call a pig that does Karate? PORK CHOP!!

 As I am sitting here listening to the house wake up, and the Rock Dove on the fence say "Ooo hoo hoo hoo" I'm thinking of birds.

I mean, Oscar is in his cage, rattling around, there are birds everywhere, and they sometimes can be an interesting companion.  I suspect that was going through this guy's mind when he considered this out in LA.




Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a pair of talking birds for $500 each and explained that he had gotten his own mother a pair and that she absolutely loves them. His co-worker added that they were no ordinary talking birds, that they could impersonate actors,, they dance, and tell jokes. But it will take them a day or two to get used to the new place and wont talk until then.

So he buys the birds and has them shipped to his mother. He calls her on her birthday the following morning. Mom answers, son says "Happy birthday Mom!" She says,"Oh thank you, dear,." He asks, "So Mom, did my gift arrive?" She says, "Yes It did. And I enjoyed them very much. Thank you, son. They were delicious. I plucked the feathers and cooked them like little game hens."

" No mom. Please tell me you're kidding" he said. She assured him that she wasn't and he proceeded to tell her about the price of the birds and everything they were capable of doing. "Wait."she said,"Those birds could talk?" "Yes,, mom. They sang and danced and they talked. ..."

" Well then, why the hell didnt they say something?"

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Monarchs Do End Up In Odd Places


I don't think there's anyone who minds having these little visitors.

I just find it amusing that I find them in strange places.

Once I found one happily stuck under the step on the Jeep.  The Jeep was 8 miles from home and I was getting ready for a workout and found it when I bent over to get my skate boot.

This one is on my porch.  It went from a pot, across the garden, found the support for the porch roof, and climbed up into the nook where I see it now.

Mind you, I can't really use my porch.  It's high summer and there is an insane amount of work going on in the house.  Oh and I seem to host the mosquito preservation society meeting any time I linger anywhere outside.

We found this little jade jewel way up high under the porch roof and we will make certain it is undisturbed.   Its little brain, now turned to mush in a pupa, decided that it would be best under an eve at about 8 feet above the ground instead of under a leaf somewhere.

I hope it makes it.  High Summer heat is kind of punishing, especially under a patio roof.


It's all about location.  I'm rather close to M.E.DePalma Park, and there are quite a few flowers there.  It's a good environment there.  Since I got here, and settled in we've planted many flowers and plants with the idea that we'd propagate anything that we liked that fits in with that goal, to help the butterflies.

In the case of the plant that the pupa came from, the plant was an "involuntary planting".  I had a nursery pot there and while waiting for something else to come up, the Milkweeds sprouted.  They were discovered by some rather insistent Monarchs, and at one point there were dozens of caterpillars on them.  Eaten to sticks, only the earliest hatchlings survived.  

Hopefully in a week or so, we'll see a beauty like this boy greet the day and seek out its best life here among the flowers.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up. Pun-ishment

 I am feeling a bit generous today.  Just got back from the walk, I am sipping my second coffee, and if I get out of this chair too fast, I'll probably raid the freezer for some biscuits.

But I do have a triple-play for you.  Yep.  A Three-Fer!


...---...


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.


...---... And ...---...


A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."

The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her funeral."


...---... And ...---...


A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Saturday, August 21, 2021

I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs!

 Nothing like having a house to work on.  Early in the morning, you consider that the power is on, the pool needs to be scooped, and you may as well bring the dog over with you so he can water the plants too.

Then you walk back in and realize that since you really don't  have a bathroom or a kitchen in the place, it's a shell.

Hey but, we have all this nice dust right?



Mary, Anna and Josephine, live in a house together.

One night Mary runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

Anna yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses.

Then she yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

Josephine is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Yes, Dogs are a Creature Of Habit. Or the 5AM Dog Directed Walk.

Dogs just don't understand it when you are breaking your normal routines.  It's best said by don't drive crazy, your dog won't understand why you never came home.

In my case, the car nor any general crazy has anything to do with it.  It's home repair.

You see, we've de-camped across the street to a little duplex for "the duration".  My guess is we will be able to re-camp before Thanksgiving, but not before Halloween.

So Rack, the McNab SuperDog(TM) is a little confused.

He first decided that since he can't sit next to me, he really can he just hates being exposed, he

 would find a wee little wedge of space between the couch and the wall and has sat himself there.  All Day And Night.

I put a spare dog bed there, but really we should not tolerate that because the couch is white and every dog that goes out to explore on his walks eventually picks up "things" on their fur.  I just hope that the wall isn't stained, yet.

It is an enclosed yard.  A rather nice fence surrounds the property and a rather formidable yet stylish wooden gate slows entry to the property.  Then as you enter the property there are a few things to notice. 


First the front apartment is inhabited by a very barky dog and her owner.  Both are friendly but the dog will bark for hours when the owner goes about doing people things.  BarkBarkBarkPause... lather, rinse and repeat.  When the owner is there with her dog, Mrs Barkypants will bark at you.  Luckily I can reach over the fence, get the latch, and enter almost silently.  Sometimes I can even get past without Mrs Barkypants sounding the song of her people.  For the next fifteen minutes.

I just got back from a pass through the yard and to my house and she did finally stop barking when I told her "NO" from their window.

Then since this yard is shared, I can't just open the door and let Rack out.  The yard may be occupied and since our neighbor has free use of the yard as well, we look out of the door gently.  Both dogs are friendly but they have not really been able to greet each other yet.


So forward to 5AM.  I wake up, get the minimum done, including feeding Rack.  I then ask Rack to "Show me what you want".  Sometimes he wants to water the hedges, many times he just walks to the corner and hides until sunrise. 

So now I have to get his leash and walk him around a little bit because if the neighbor is up with her dog, it becomes complex that early.  

Cue the Looney Tunes "dinkadinkadinka" sound effect as I tiptoe through the front gate. 

Mr Dog though is a creature of habit.  My own preference is to walk to the corner, let him empty his self, and we go back in, but that gets overruled.  

Rack has decided that at 5AM, the right thing to do is to walk to the house and inspect both it, and the yard.  


Yes, Dogs are a Creature Of Habit.  

The first time I did this after settling here at the little duplex across the street, Rack had different plans.  I was led back to the house.  No, I was not being allowed any input here, Trust In Dog.  I started him toward the corner and he insisted in pulling me back to our house and the front door there. 

If you thought a 45 pound dog could out rule a 203 pound human, well, you would be right. 

There in the Florida predawn moonlight, I had all 45 pounds of Rack leaning over at a 45 degree angle, tugging at the leash and pulling me East.  I stopped fighting the inevitable and let him lead me back to the house.  When we got to my front door he sat down and twisted his head so he could look at me as if to say "Well, what are you waiting for, Moose, Open the door!"

And open the door I did.  We both stepped inside, and he waited for me to lock it.  However he also had decided that the next step would be to walk through the house ignoring all the work, the dust, the lack of tiles on the floor, the debris, and the general disarray, and insisted on going to the back door.


He wanted me to let him go out and inspect the yard.  Ok, he's back in his old routine.  I would normally just open the back door and let him do laps around the yard while I would make coffee, but without a working kitchen in the place, I would just follow him outside.

Where ever you live, do go outside before dawn from time to time.  It really is a quiet and peaceful time of day.

I walked circles around the yard.   He walked circles around the yard.  He got bored and came to get me and we went back in the house.  

Rack was done.  In fact he walked right to the front door, and repeated that over the shoulder look telling me "Let's get out of here". 


So the rest of the walk was back to the little duplex and inside.  I'd be able to make my coffee then.

Dogs are creatures of habit.  While they live in the moment, they also have routines that they like to keep.   I'm being kept to that schedule by being dragged across the street and walked around the pool.  He does not ask for much so I'll allow that.  I did ask him what he had in mind, of course, and it was his walk anyway.


Sunday, August 15, 2021

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

So the thing about waking up before the dawn is you end up getting things done well before everyone else.  Me, I'm sitting here wondering what I can get in before the house wakes up.

You ... don't have to because I already did!



Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last meal. The guards told him he might not be able to have a last meal. He said, “That’s ok, can I just sing my favorite song all the way through instead?” The guards asked the warden, and they all agreed. It wold be highly irregular, but if that’s what he wanted, it should be OK.

The convict started, "A million bottles of beer on the wall..."

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer!  Two-Fer! 

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... 


Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his mother, and in the middle of the water, he stops and says, "Mamma... are we pure blooded Polar Bears?" Mamma bear looks at her cub and says, "Oh son, of COURSE we are!"

The next day the cub is hunting with his grandpa, and in the middle of a big ice storm the little Polar Bear stops his grandpa and says, "Grandpa... are we PURE polar Bear? Like, we don't have any Black Bear, or Grizzly bear, or California Brown Bear mixed in with us?" Grandpa bear looks at him quizzically and says in his deep, gruff voice, "No, no, son... We are PURE Polar Bear, as far back as we go. Your great-great-great grandparents were all pure Polar Bears! Why do you ask, son?"

The little Polar Bear looks up at his grandpa and says, "Because... I'm FREEZING!!"

Saturday, August 14, 2021

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Somehow the name "Dave" has become a bit of a meme lately.  Everyone knows a Dave.  I have had a couple friends named Dave and they've all been solid friends, good sorts.

So, Celebrate your friends, whether they are named Dave or not!

 



Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts.

Boss: I'll name 3 people. If you can't prove you know them & they know YOU, you're fired & I'll make sure you never work in this town again.

Dave: Boss, I know everyone. Who's first?

Boss: Tom Cruise.

Dave: Me & Tom were in acting class at Yale. We go way back.

So they drive up to Beverly Hills & knock on Tom's mansion door. Tom answers & says: Hi Dave, I've just got the NEW Mission Impossible script. Come & have a read, & tell me what you think.

(Boss is suitably impressed)

Boss: OK, well done. Next is the President, Barack Obama (this identifies the age of the joke)

Dave: After I left Yale, I was an undergrad at Harvard Law. I roomed with him before he met Michelle.

So they go out to Washington & start a tour of the White House. Just as they're passing the west wing, they hear a voice saying: Hi Dave, I have a security council meeting soon, but I've always got time for an old friend. They proceed to the Oval Office for coffee.

At this point, the boss is EXTREMELY impressed and says: RIGHT, I'll change the challenge. If you can prove you know the LAST person PERSONALLY, not only is your job safe, but I'll make you a partner.

Dave: Boss, I told you, I know EVERYBODY. Who is it?

Boss: His Holiness, THE POPE!

Dave: no worries, boss. Prior to Yale, I was in Seminary with him.

So they board the corporate jet & fly to Rome. They enter the Vatican, where they gather in St Peter's Square, surrounded by the 10,000s of the faithful.

Dave: boss, he won't spot me among all these people. Give me 1/2 an hour. I know all of the Swiss Guard. I'll come out on the balcony with him.

30 minutes later, the doors open on the balcony, & the Pope emerges to perform his benediction. Next to him is Dave.

30 minutes after, & he returns, to find his boss prone on the floor & being administered by paramedics. 

Dave: Boss, boss, what happened?

Boss: I....had a.....heart att....ack.

Dave: But boss, I told you I knew him.

Boss: It wasn't that.....

Dave: well what was it then?

Boss: You came out onto the balcony, with His Holiness, & the guy next to me, gave me a nudge & asked........

WHO'S THAT ON THE BALCONY WITH DAVE???

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

When Summer Comes, The Traffic Cones Sprout Near The Jeep

When the universe wants to mess with your head... 

It leaves you Traffic Cones.

Living as close to The Bars in Wilton Manors as I do, I see a lot of strange things.  I have seen people coming home from the bars on foot, wandering around aimlessly, and even had some clown fall asleep in my garden.

That is a story for another time.

This time, I am thinking a similar fate happened to this cone.  From what I can tell from the road rash on the base of the thing and how it was left on the driveway, I have a story to tell.

Some random person came to my town, and visited the Arts and Entertainment District on Wilton Drive.  They probably had a rather nice time there, dinner, drinks, maybe some dancing.

Once they were through, they decided to take a drive and come home.

I have to assume there was some impairment included because I now have a new traffic cone.

Their car had hit the cone, dragged it along under the car.  Either when they pulled in to my driveway here to inspect the noise, because there is always noise when you run over a traffic cone, or when they threw the car into reverse it left the thing there, the cone remained.

I am in the back of the house here, away from the parking areas, and away from the street.  I sleep with earplugs.  I did not hear a thing.  

When I got up, put on enough clothes to take Mr Dog out to water the hedges, and walked past the gate, I spotted the thing.  When I walked over to it, I laughed at it because it reminded me of a younger me and a trip through Cherry Hill and Haddonfield, NJ.

You know, where they set the Halloween movies?  Michael Myers?  Haddonfield was a town east of Cherry Hill, where I grew up.  The movies were shot in Illinois, and the name came from the writer knowing South Jersey.

Living in Cherry Hill, you knew Halloween was in Haddonfield (even if it wasn't shot there) and was southwest of you, and Voorhees was Friday the 13th and was east of you.  Ok Jason?


I have been driving Jeep Wranglers since 1997 continuously.  They fit me, and they let me go where I want to go comfortably.  My head does not hit the ceiling and that is important.

Well before then, I had a Jeep CJ7.  Much rougher ride, and I eventually got rid of it because it hurt my back riding long distances. 

One night I was doing a similar thing.  Coming home from the city, I had a ride on the PATCO Hi Speed Line that took you from Center City Philadelphia to the Suburban South Jersey of my youth.  I got off in Haddonfield, and mounted my CJ to ride home.  

I think I may have wanted to wait another hour before I did get into that old Jeep because somewhere in Haddonfield, I clipped a different cone.  It hooked itself on the steering linkage on the front end and I kept going.  By the time I left Haddonfield, and came up Brace Road towards my childhood house, I heard that scraping.  

I shrugged and pulled into the driveway there.  Not waking Mom, or my sister, I looked under the Jeep and there it was.  

"How on earth?" I said as I pulled the cone out.  I left it in the front of the driveway and came in to sleep the rest of the night away.

So there you have it.  The Universe wanted to remind me of that trip and give me a gift of bright safety orange plastic.

I had to tell the neighbor, Diane, about this story, and she was laughing as I was.  She's welcome to this new cone, I have two of my own to protect the property from ne'er do wells and partiers when she moves out to her new home.

Welcome to the neighborhood.  Strangeness happens and you find things.

Sunday, August 8, 2021

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

So wake up your sleepy heads.  Or if it is later in the day, kick off your shoes and have a little smile.  It's a Two-Fer today!

 

 ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... 


A teacher fresh out of the university gets hired to teach a class of 2nd year kids.
On the first day she decides to do a little experiment on the kids.

She stands in front of the class and says, "Would all of you kids, who think they're stupid, please stand up."
No one does except for little Johnny.

"Do you really think you're stupid, Johnny?" asks the teacher.
"No," answers Johnny, "I just don't want you to be the only one standing."

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Saturday, August 7, 2021

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put."

Having read way too much about rich people and their cheating on taxes, this one little story hit my interest.  Mind you, if you chose to liquidate everything you own, you and your loved ones could have a massive yacht and pollute the world with moving it out of the way of storms, but that does not seem appealing to me.


Even if it does seem to keep the economy going in South Florida.

For my international readers, the IRS is the "Tax Man", but I am quite sure you knew that. 

...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...
 

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. 

Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".

Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

A Tiny Bit of Edible Beauty From Propagating Romaine Lettuce


Back and Forth

Back and Forth

Back and Forth

Back

And 

Forth.


Concrete poetry aside, we are doing some retiling at the house.  It's time, it will get rid of the worn out look, and will put our stamp of approval on things.

We are leaving the old Saltillo tile in the Florida room.  That's the terracotta "Mexican" tile to you. The new tile is light colored and will fit together much more closely than the old.

We like that stuff, and it wears well.

But it also means that every time I go into the house, I step on the porch and look at my garden.

I have the last of the Propagated Romaine Lettuce that I was so entertained by in a pot on a plastic chair next to the plastic table that I can't use.

Too many mosquitoes in my garden.  I'd build a dome over the property then spray bug killer if I thought I could get away with a weird parallel to The Simpsons Movie plot.  It would probably blow away in a tropical storm anyway!

The thing about that is it works.  The tiny little flowers are rather beautiful, even if the plant is this weird stalk of leaves that is leaning over and trying to find the soil.

It's just too hot here in South Florida to reliably grow lettuce, and I have many other things in my garden.  I'll just enjoy the little flowers every time I pass.

As for the home improvement... I'll be at this for about another two months.  Or less I hope, or more I expect.

Sunday, August 1, 2021

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

There are two for today, yes, a two fer!
However, even I don't get that last one, so if you can figure it out, you've got one on me!

 


There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention.
Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats.

But the owner of the other shop was not making money.
He was tired of it.

He had asked them many times to close shop or move somewhere else in town.
But they always declined.

One day the shop owner had had enough.
He hired Hugh MacTaggart, the meanest thug in town, to "deal with" the two friars.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop.
He threatened to come back if they didn't close down.

Trembling with fear, the two friars closed down shop.
The moral of this story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



"Hello, are you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?

Dude is now confused but sticks to his lines

Salesman: We are here to let you know about the digging in your area.

I get excited

Me: Your digging for a dinosaur in my area!

Dude is now shocked, he pauses but stays with his lines

Salesman: Oh no, we just installed fiber optics in your area and you can upgrade today!

Me: oh no, I just like dinosaurs.

Closes door

Saturday, July 31, 2021

First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

 If you got that title... you had some science, didn't you?


And speaking of science training, someone needs a basic biology course.  




One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cousin Lisa?"

"Yes."

"And did it bring Grandma and Granddad and Great-Uncle Jim and Great-Aunt Harriet?"

"Yes."

"And did it also bring all your cousins and their children?"

"It certainly did."

A few hours later when Johnny's father comes home, Johnny decides to ask him similar questions about his side of the family. "Daddy, how were you born?"

"The stork brought me here," says the father.

"Did the stork also bring Uncle Warren and Aunt Linda and Cousin Harold and Cousin Susie?"

"Yes."

"And did it bring Granny and Grandpa and Great-Uncle Bob and Great-Aunt Alice?"

"Yes."

"And did it also bring all your cousins and their children?"

"It definitely did."

A week later, Johnny's teacher calls his parents into her classroom.

"There's something I need to show you," she says.
She shows them a paper that Johnny wrote that begins, "This paper on childbirth has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a childbirth in my family for three generations..."

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Butterfly in the Bush

Sometimes I think that this blog is all about Bill's weird camera and pictures Bill takes while walking around South Florida.

Then I see something like this.

You see here in South Florida, beauty can be just about anywhere.

I was following after my dog trying to claim every single plant in town and say "This Is Mine" and "This is Mine Too!" when, we arrived at the park.

This little gem, and I don't know the name for it other than beautiful, decided that it was fine with me getting close.

When I say close, I mean two wingspans away.   The tip of your thumb is about as close to the tip of your pinky finger with the hand spread widely.

So of course I have to share here.  

I'm fine with not knowing the name, I see regularly butterflies going from plant to plant at times.  I have had them land on me, I guess they go after the salt in the sweat.  They may just sense that I'm a safe encounter.

Heck, I pulled an angry shoe lace out of the pool the other day and set it on its way.  That would be a young Black Racer snake to you and yours.  Scooped it out of the shallow end of the pool.

I do feel privileged to be able to see this kind of beauty and when I hear stories of how butterflies are getting thinner on the ground it only makes me more interested in planting more Milkweed or other flowers in the garden.

Propagate anything and everything, and let nature take its due course. 

So Bill's Weird Photography habits are here, and being shared.

There's also this recipe I wrote about eight years ago that I got the parts for and have to try again.  If it works in the Instant Pot, you will see that too.  I'm wanting some Curried Chicken for dinner!

Sunday, July 25, 2021

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Perfect little story for Sunday.  Now, mind you, I haven't ever made it to Hawaii, I understand it is beautiful, but going there to visit with Priests is a bit excessive I would say.



Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. They packed colorful shirts, shorts, swim trunks and sandals, and each brought sunglasses.

The morning after they arrived, they went to the beach, wearing swim trunks and t-shirts. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when gorgeous topless woman came walking straight towards them. They tried not to stare, but the temptation was strong.

As the woman passed them, she smiled and said, “Good Morning, Fathers.” They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went to a store on the island and bought garish Hawaiian shirts, Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous woman, topless again, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said “Good morning, Fathers.”

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, “Young lady, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, “Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.”

Saturday, July 24, 2021

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

It is summer and one of the pleasures of life is going to the beach.  I live about 2 1/2 miles west of the beach and I haven't had sand in my toes in over 14 years.   Strange how that is isn't it?

 

 


A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “She’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”



Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Do you really need to introduce your dog to a new home?

I'm getting ready to do some serious work on my house.  It will take at least two solid months of work.  So much that we had to pull permits on what will be done.  

While the floors need to be re-tiled, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) has begun to campaign for me to put in a "fallout shelter" in the closet for storms and other hiding duty.  The underlying terrazzo is in too bad a state to be polished and restored, unfortunately.

The upshot is that we have to leave the place and de-camp to an apartment across the street.

Convenient location, we will be close enough to the place to be able to monitor the work on a daily basis.

I do know the history of this particular unit going back a few renters.  It's not a bad place, it was updated to a point where it is more modern than my own house for a lot of reasons.  New appliances, tile, furniture is reasonably new.

My own house was comfortable but the 1960s called and want their weird wood walls back and

the tiles are worn out.  When we moved in, the place had a "scent" to it that was reminiscent of Zinc Oxide medication with old Cigarette undertones.

We called it Eau De Old Owner when we are being kind.

Over the years of making fragrant dishes with recipes that I put on my blog, soap making, our dogs, the parrot, and time, the odor has diminished but on a damp day:  "Hey what's that?"

The worst of it is that the tiles and most of the appliances have worn out.  It's time.

The apartment was "Dog Friendly".  I saw two different people live in it with dogs.  The first was a companion dog that I don't really remember, the other one was a German Shepard, rather regal and obedient.  I remember that GSD being an Alpha Dog.  

This affected my own dog rather interestingly.  I found that I have to "expose" him to the apartment. 

No matter how clean you are, no matter how often you use cleaners on the floors, your dog will still know.  Accidents happen in the kitchen and sometimes on the floors.  Tiles are not completely non-porous, and grout never is.  


My own grout varies from café au lait in the bathroom to a black coffee color in the kitchen.  It started as café au lait.  It is also why we are re-tiling the place.

When I brought Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) into this little apartment, he did not want to come in.  He caught the scent of another dog, most likely higher ranking in his own mind and stayed at the threshold.  

I had to nudge him inside.

He sat on the most neutral thing he could find, a new door mat that we got and had only been deployed the night before.

I sat down on the couch in clear view of him and the door and called him.  He looked left and right for that other dog and clung to me, his source of strength.

Realizing that this was going to be slower than expected, I closed the outer rooms so he only had access to places I could see and allowed him to move around.  This apartment got the most extreme search I have ever seen him do.  Every crevasse and nook and cranny got sniffed.  Watching him so he would not lift his leg and add his own scent to it, I allowed him to become accustomed to the surroundings.

 

The key is that you can't force a dog.  They live on a different level than you do, and they will have to do things on their own terms.

Signalling that he was done, he lay down on the only thing that looked like a dog bed he could find, the door mat and sighed. 

I now could open another room for him to explore, the bathroom which was in clear view of the door.    I made a mental note to keep the door closed down when it is in use, the bathroom is also in clear view of the windows that I prefer to keep open for sunlight.


That little room got another complete examination.  He walked into the shower, which he had never been exposed to, and sniffed every square inch, as well as under the counter and inside the area inside the vanity.

If there was anything left over from the other dogs, he sniffed it.  

I repeated that with the bedrooms one after another.

Finally he went back into the living room.  I guess he felt safer out there, I could now close the bedroom and bathroom doors and he would be comfortable as I turned on the TV and watched a mindless comedy for an hour.


Success.

It really is all about doing things on their own terms.  Otherwise you're in for messes and frustration.  We have a comfortable dog, and a few leftover dog toys that are new-to-us for Rack to ignore.

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

A Twofer!  Yep, two for the price of one.  Mind you I'm not fond of rude people, especially rude children, but I did laugh when I read the first one!
 

 

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small.

A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a human.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The girl said: “Then you ask him.”

 

 


Are you goin to fish?

A game warden heard someone was fishing illegality so he arranged to go fishing with him.

They row the boat out into a lake, the fisherman opens up his cooler, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it overboard.

The game warden is shocked, he says, "Are you crazy, that's so illegal!"

Fisherman reaches into his cooler, pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the game warden and says, "Are you going to talk or you going to fish?"
 

Saturday, July 17, 2021

While some may call it deadly toxic Chlorine gas, I tend to think of it as Sodium-free Salt.

All I have to say about this is perhaps it is how all wars should be fought!

 

 
Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Orchid and Tree Frog

Once upon a time, we had tree frogs that visited.

They parked on the car.

They watched from the window.

They were harmless and entertaining.

Lately, I got a visit once again.  This rather little critter spent some time out in my garden.

The frog is parked on top of a leaf on my Cattleya Orchid that is intertwined with the wood on my fence.   

 

I try hard not to disturb those particular plants.  An orchid tends to grow slowly.  They do put out some rather amazing flowers, and I have shared them in the past.  

This particular plant is actually one that I took from the mother plant.  It had grown along in its way, putting out rhizomes that sometimes would put out more leaves.  Periodically, you can harvest parts, and place them in some bark and allow them to grow into new plants.


Most of what I have here are from cuttings that I had propagated.  Orchids are strange plants, they take their nutrients from the plants that are near them.  Water running down the host bark will pick up what they need to live, and they will thrive if you have the right conditions.

I have the right conditions here, and this one is on a drip feed irrigation that is visible in the picture.

It also provides a rather nice bed for a little tree frog who decided to spend that particular night.

Sunday, July 11, 2021

I got my friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I am going through the house this weekend trying to stow things that are in the way of retiling the floors here.  Think of it, everything that is on the floor of your house has to be picked up and moved to one side, then back.  

I did find my girl Lettie's cremains, and her urn.  However, it's nothing like Benny's Genie.

 

 
A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. 


A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave.
 

If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him into an urn.

For several hundred years Benny partied every night.
Needless to say, Benny's beard became quite long and cumbersome.

After a while Benny thought that enough time had elapsed and the genie had certainly forgotten about the bargain.
So one evening before heading off to another party, Benny shaved off his beard.
Instantly the genie appeared and transformed into an urn.

The moral of this story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.........

Saturday, July 10, 2021

My friend told me he was going to become a vegetarian. I told him that would be a big missed steak!

You know, I have rules for posting things here on the weekends.  Or so I suppose.  

This particular little vignette had me laughing through my inadequately toasted bagel with cream cheese and cherry jelly.

But I did laugh.  Now, someone hand me a napkin!

 
 

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:

"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the Tribe.

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

"I ate a secretary."

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:

"You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

The Dinosaur of M.E. DePalma Park

 

When you go for three dog walks per day, you do get to see a lot of things.

I always have an eye out for something, and living here you run into a lot more wildlife than I did when I lived up in Philadelphia.

The little park near the house, M.E. DePalma Park, is a nature preserve.  In the middle of it all is a giant copper butterfly that gives you a view down to the corner.

The butterfly is a chair for two, or more if you are particularly friendly, and it gives you a place to perch and watch the world go by.  Or let the world watch you.  It is a fairly quiet place, teeming with wildlife.  Flocks of Butterflies.  Squadrons of Dragonflies.  The occasional feral Duck.

And Lizards.

They're harmless, eat bugs, and are quite shy.  There is one that lives in a hole in a concrete plinth of all places.


This one was the size of my finger and decided it wanted to watch me as much as I wanted to watch him.

As we tried to leave the little park, the little creature kept a wary eye on us.  It seemed to hover there, changing positions as we did, beginning to walk down the garden path to go on our way.

It's all a part of the routine here.  Stepping over the Cashews from the tree, trying not to step on a little lizard, dodging puddles.  You have a dog, you have to walk, three times a day.  Sometimes you get to visit with wildlife, if they let you.

Sunday, July 4, 2021

What did the hamburger say to the hot dog? You’re on a roll!

 Yeah so it's July Fourth, and for the rest of the world it's Sunday.

I, on the other hand, expect to be grilling a few hamburgers.  

Oh that corn that everyone suggests jumping through hoops to get "Just Right"?  I found that if you take a single corn cob, microwave it at full power for 3 minutes, you have fresh corn on the cob that is better than I could do on a grill or boiled into submission in a pot.

Just add butter and or salt to taste.


And in the vein of Food ...



Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish.
However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor.
There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps them all up. 


Raymond does his best to hide the remains of the fish tank, then reports for his second Job: delivering a plate of buns to the chimps' tea-party.
Raymond arrives with the buns, but slips on a banana skin and falls on two of the chimps, crushing them to death.
Horrified, Raymond lobs the dead chimps into the lion enclosure and hopes no one will notice their absence.
A hungry lion soon scoffs down the dead chimps. 


Raymond then reports for his third job; he has to go to the insect house and repair a tank which houses a hive of killer bees.
Raymond tries to be careful but, as usual, his clumsiness lets him down.
He falls off a ladder and lands on the beehive, squashing it flat.
Raymond is terrified that some killer bees will escape, so he stamps up and down on the hive, making sure that every bee is mushed into goo.
Once more, Raymond hurries to dispose of the evidence in the lion enclosure. 


He then leaves the zoo and vows never to return.
The next day, a new lion is delivered to the zoo.
It walks into the enclosure and starts chatting to the other lions.
"So what's the food like in here?" asks the new lion.
"It used to be terrible." replies one of the other lions, "but recently it's got a lot better; yesterday we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Saturday, July 3, 2021

What skin conditions do chickens get? Eggsma.

OK so the first one is a little short, so of course I have two.  

 

 

 

 A father and his young son check into their hotel room.

When they get to their room, they meet the maid on her way out. She stops and says, "Welcome, I just put fresh towels and toiletries in your room. Enjoy your stay!" The father and his son thank her and enter the room.

Shortly after settling in, the son tells his dad he needs to use the bathroom. The dad says okay, and the son goes. Ten minutes later, the son is still in the bathroom. The dad knocks on the door and says, "Everything fine in there?" The son responds, "Well, I guess."

The dad says back, "What do you mean, you guess? What's wrong?" Finally, the son opens the door and says, "Dad, I think that lady lied to us. I looked all over our toilet, and I didn't find any trees!"

 ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

 

Tom and his boss


one morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
.

The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
.

2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice wife!  She could not believe it was your idea!

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Easily Fixing the Pressure Washer Surface Cleaner That Won't Spin

Standard Internet Warranty Applies:  Anything I say here is opinion, it worked for me, and you do all this at your own risk.  However I have done this many times, it just works.

If you are uncomfortable with your own skills, go buy a new one.

I ran into this problem on the second use of my Pressure Washer Surface Cleaner.

In my case it's a simple fix.  I have a properly sized Surface Cleaner.  The pump is 2000 PSI, the Disc is 2000 PSI maximum.

Symptoms were when I got water to the cleaner, it spun a few times, then stopped while pushing water out of the nozzles under the disc.  Stopping and starting the flow might get a few spins but it was not going to spin past that.

Before you proceed, make certain that all your water lines and filters are free and clean of any grit.

The fix for me was to disassemble the mechanism, clean it, use some light lube on it, and reassemble it. 

The mechanism was held in place by a brass bolt with channels for the water to go through and "rubber" O Rings to keep the water from leaking out. 

The shaft went out in two directions from the center to the nozzle.  My nozzles can be removed and cleaned by removing the "silver" clips from the ends and washing them in warm soapy water.

In my case, the center shaft was the problem.  I had to clean it, and the white plastic washer, of any sand and grit.

The center shaft was removed with a 12 MM crescent wrench.  Since it is brass and the body of the surface cleaner is a rather soft plastic, take care not to over torque or over tighten the bolt - turn left to loosen, right to tighten and replace.

Remember: "Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty".

Once you have the bolt in your hand, wash in warm soapy water, along with the washer.  

The impeller arm in the center has surfaces that will need to be cleaned in the same manner, either with a brush, towel, or dipping into that soapy water.

Remove each piece from the water and clean them to remove any old grease or dirt.

I lubricated the white plastic washer with a little tri-flow because it felt like there was a lube on the mechanism when I took it all apart the first time.  I used the tri-flow because I have used it many times on my skate parts, and it was on hand, but you may use your judgement on that.  

You will want to use a light oil here because once you have done your surface cleaning, it will wash out.  In this case, that is a benefit, because the servicing is so easy.  Tri-Flow does not stay put on my skate bearings when they get wet, and they won't stay on this mechanism after a use - and that is the behavior you want.

Reassemble the mechanism the same way you took it all apart.

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Why does Microsoft Flight Simulator look better than Real Life? Because I have bad eyesight.

 I am that person in a crowd that has to shout to be heard.  I'm fairly willing to sit back and listen to everyone else make a fool of themselves, but damnit it's my turn. 

It's all rather weird since I am physically imposing, and have a booming voice, but please folks, for the sake of the rest of us, listen before you open your maw and step on top of someone.




Little Johnny - Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!