Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

I will say that when he got his money, Bill Gates did fund a large charity working for the improvement of humankind.

"The primary stated goals of the foundation are to enhance healthcare and reduce extreme poverty across the world, and to expand educational opportunities and access to information technology in the U.S.".  

 http://www.gatesfoundation.org

Unlike many oligarchs, so I wouldn't be as harsh on him as I would on some of those narcissists.



Bill Gates died and met God.

God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill said, "What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean white sandy beach with clear water.

There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

“This is great!" said Bill. “If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

“God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming in hot flames in a dark cave as he was being tortured by demons with pitchforks.

“How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill groaned "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. “That was the screen saver."

I started the alcohol diet. It’s great. I managed to lose 3 days last week.

 Ya know... I probably should have saved that one liner for next wednesday.  It would go best with New Years Day but hey that's where we are today I guess!

I may as well follow it up with these!





Max walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: You're in early Max, what's the story?

Max: I'm celebrating a six month effort to complete a jigsaw puzzle.
Bartender: Six months? Is that good?

Max: Well it said 8-10 years on the box.
Em         



Did you hear about the truck transporting steaks that got into a wreck? Some car T-Boned it.


Got mugged outside the local shop last night and was repeatedly hit over the head with a flute, a double bass, and a violin…
The police are convinced it was an orchestrated attack.


Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Happy Holidays From Ramblingmoose.com

Happy Holidays from Me, Bill, at Ramblingmoose.com.

(All of them, no matter which!)

From the Vanda orchid blooming on the fence, to the hibiscus that I am propagating for a friend. 

From Rack watering the plants, to the kitchen still warm from the recipes that I disgorge forth.

Happy Holidays to you and yours.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a dog to walk!  The nice thing about holidays here in South Florida is that it's quiet.  Eerily quiet.  I had a whole morning walk where I could walk down the street, look in the shopping displays, see the art, and take my own sweet time.

And taking your own sweet time?  Isn't that what it is all about?

My watch started to make a grinding sound. I think I'm down a quartz.

Perfect little story for a cold Sunday morning.  You will see why shortly!

Three guys walk in a bar


Three guys walked into a bar one after another a carpenter, an iron worker, and a mail man.

The carpenter goes to the bar and orders a drink, he looks around and says hey that guy looks just like Jesus.
Bartender says yup he comes here all the time.
Carpenter says oh well buy him whatever he’s drinking.
Bartender says 1 herbal tea coming right up.

The ironworker comes in gets a drink turns around and goes hey that guy looks just like, bartender says ya Jesus he shows up all the time.
Get whatever he’s drinking on me.
Same thing with the mailman.

Jesus gets up to leave and shakes the carpenters hand and puts his hand on his wrist right away he says my Carpal tunnel it’s gone now I can go back to work thank you Jesus.
Then he goes up to the ironworker shakes his hand and places the other on his shoulder.
He says my bursitis it’s cured I can go back to work now thank you Jesus.
Then he walks up to the mailman who jumps back and says whoa there I’m on workers comp!

Proof that every miss universe contest is fixed. Think about it; every winner has come from Earth.

I never managed to have musical ability "take" in me.  Oh sure, I can mix music tracks, the software we have these days makes it trivial, and I even did a project in college doing the DJ thing with some extended mixes of vinyl.  But an instrument?  A Bagpipe? 

No way. 




 Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area he became lost.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, then stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place.

He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

The piper played out his heart and soul.

As he played, the workers began to weep. He played everything from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd", to "Flowers of the Forest", closing with "Amazing Grace.”

He then packed up his bagpipes and walked back to his car.

As he drove off, one of the workers said to another, "Sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph, I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years!"

If you want my business, don't require an app.

 Oh now don't go all OK Boomer on us.  I don't mean don't HAVE an app.  I mean don't REQUIRE an app.

There is a fine line there and I got my tail dragged all over it.

Yes, this is a little rant-y so bear with me.

I was doing some online shopping.  In this case I was happily looking at things I could justify either way.  Buy or not buy.  I am not exactly floating in money these days, oh I get by but floating in the stuff?  No.

Every time I clicked on a link there was a helpful hopeful link explaining how you can have an app sit on your phone to do all this work.

No.  From a Security Standpoint, No, Just No.

I have a friend up in New Jersey.  She won't do anything with an app and I think she may be onto something. 

So you download their helpful little app and it sits on your phone listening to what you are doing and where you are going as well as assisting you on its intended purpose.  You now have what the gov'mint says  is a vector for attack.  You have to create a signon, give the thing credentials.  It now has a privileged place.  It lives in your pocket or your purse.  When you start the thing, it is going to serve you ads.  The FBI already says if you can block an ad to do so.

I absolutely agree.  Block any and all ads aggressively.  I do so on my laptop with a hosts file and on the phone with a VPN to an ad blocking DNS.  If I see an ad, it is a surprise.

Now while this is shaping into an anti advertising rant, it's probably not the main reason that I give people why I refuse their apps.  It's the size of the things. 

I'm a big dude.  Athletic, 193cm or 6'4".  A fit 85 Kilos, 190 pounds this morning.  Oh sure I could go onto a cutting diet and tune that all down a bit more towards the lean side, but with a BMI of 23.5 I don't have to.  As much cardio as I get in a day, even on the bench as I have been since the last sports injury, I don't pass that dessert cart.

Being a big dude, I have big hands.  Now don't get wild with that parallel, ladies.  I find it difficult to operate a cell phone.  Tablet perhaps is more my size, laptop I am great with.

Linux, Hosts file, Firefox, and ublock origin.  Like I said no ads.

But a cell phone?  Damn things are too small for me.

Went from the general purpose site to a specialized one to do some purchasing.  I'm expecting the economy to "tank" next year and a world wide depression happen.  So I am stocking up on things.  If I had the tools to do so, I'd be lowering the gas tank on the Jeep and repairing it.  That check engine light is not going away on its own.

Repairing things is a good way to live anyway.  The Brits used to say Make Do And Mend, and I like mending my 23 year old Jeep.

So I went on with my purchase. 

Lo and behold the site REQUIRED me to download an app in order to deal with the purchase. 

No. Just no.

And who the site is is not important.  There's this shift to the smart phone that I avoid where possible.

Of course there was a problem with the app.  It simply did not download and there was a subsequent problem with the order.  I missed a tick box and it required me to pay an extra $1.55 for some nonsense called ShipTection.   Insurance on your shipping.

I wrote back telling them to reverse that charge or I will cancel the sale with my credit card.  I also fired off a comment saying that if you insist on charging what sounded like a "Protection Racket" because your method of shipping is so bad, I'll go elsewhere next time.

I'll go elsewhere anyway, I don't like being forced to jump through hoops.

I got everything cleared up, which is why I am not naming names, but damnit no thank you I will not be downloading your sketchy app.

I have quite enough of those sketchy apps anyway, we all do.  ThankYouVeryMuch.

I set up a hotline for people who are in denial and looking for help. So far nobody has called.

How about a wee little story about a place I never expect to see.  Alaska.  Way too cold for my blood.  I can see kayaking, I'm an outdoorsy kind of guy but not in that cold water.




 The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

What do you call an owl who watches children? A hootin-nanny

How about a little Malicious Compliance?   I may have posted this before, if so, you get what you pay for! 



 A drinking story


On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood pub, the police noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he finally managed to find his own car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.   At last, when almost everyone had left, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.   Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” answered the man. Tonight I’m the designated decoy. The rest all got away.”

How Did I End Up With Iguana Proof Hibiscus?

I was warned when I moved here, the Iguanas are aggressive.  I would never be able to grow certain plants. 

Especially Hibiscus.  Beautiful flowers but you'll just be feeding the beasts.

I was alerted one day by a 5 foot long monster feeding on my prized Hibiscus that I bought as a hand sized, six inches at best, cutting with a single yellow flower.  The plant grew to a 3 footer, with that beast grazing in there.

It ran off when I came to the back door, and fortunately for me I was able to rid myself of it when it decided to go for a swim in the pool.

That particular pot got moved closer to the house and was not disturbed again.

However, I noticed that the variegated leaf red hibiscus at the back of the yard was ignored.   "Hmmm!  I wonder if it will propagate?"

Turns out that it does.

Where my night blooming jasmine hedge was beautiful, it started getting old and missing bits of coverage.  Why not Hibiscus?

So I have a hedge once again.  It's a mutt, all sorts of plants in there, and truth be told the mixture bothers me.  It should be ripped out and started over.

But the iguanas leave these hibiscus flowers alone and I am able to enjoy them from the kitchen window.  The flowers, not the iguanas.

I understand that in Port of Spain, Trinidad, they have a wonderful recipe for Iguana Curry... "Jus' sayin'"!

In fact the plant propagates at a better than 80% success rate.   The only drawback is that it does grow well here, a bit too fast, which means I will have to keep the hedge clippers at hand.  It also gives me plenty of cuttings that I can start, you guessed it, more plants.

We are having a propane tank sunk into the front yard, and of course I'll plant more hibiscus around that, as well as in front of the house when they finally finish. 

For now, I have little pots all over the place.  Anywhere I need to catch a drip, there's a hibiscus.  Mom was telling me about how much she appreciated them when she went to Miami on a trip to the Fountainbleu hotel.  I that must be where I got the idea of a hibiscus hedge, listening to her talk about the plants they have trained there.

I guess it is my turn.

Until then, the front yard and the areas where gardens will look a bit spare.  At that point, I can drop some of these little pots into the ground and make more red flowers as well as shelter for the birds that seem to enjoy them. 

Harmless plants, really.  The flowers can be made into Tea that is high in Vitamin C.  No thorns and the grow with frequent blooms.

A Win Win for the garden here in So Flo.

What invention lets you see through walls? A window

 


 A young man who has never had a job finally gets one as a doorman at a nice hotel

On his first day, he arrives in uniform all nervous and serious. He opens the door, greets guests and visitors with a smile, closes the door behind them. He does everything admirably.

In the afternoon, something weird happens. A single bathroom basin - standing on a short support column, with a hot water tap and a cold water tap and no apparent source of plumbing, appears outside the door.

Nervous, the new doorman approaches his manager. “What shall I do”, he asks, “it’s just standing there.”

The manager looks at him gravely, his eyes stern, but still kind with wisdom.

“Young man, I know this is your first real job, and things may be a bit overwhelming to you. But some things - they’re simpler than they seem.” He nods towards the door.

“You have a responsibility now. Let that sink in.”

Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.

 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."





And since I am looking at that wall of text above, why not give you more to chew on?







 The Admiral

An Admiral who lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance was interviewing a Navy Master Chief, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I imagine this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.

“And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one damn’ ear.”

Cake Mix From Scratch Recipe - Instead Of Buying Into Shrinkflation Mix At The Market

I usually buy ingredients in bulk.  Flour, for example, I get in a 25 Pound bag that sits on the floor in the kitchen.

When the greedy people in the large food corporations decided to shrink the sizes of boxed mixes from 15.25 ounces to 13 (and a bit), I got angry. 

It would change the recipes and really it is quite a bit sleazy.

So I decided I would test out one of the recipes for a cake mix.

Works for me and I am sure it will work for you.  Oh and it's much cheaper since you are using bulk ingredients.

I used All Purpose Flour which is higher in protein than the usual Cake Flour.  I suggest using up the Cake Flour in the house.  The higher protein content in the AP Flour makes for a tougher baked good.  It was acceptable, but it turned a light cupcake into a muffin consistency.

The quick recipe for two cupcakes (about 100 calories each) is a simple ratio:

1.5 ounces (42g) of Cake Mix
1 ounce (28g) of Milk
1 level teaspoon cocoa is optional and you get really good chocolate cupcake.

Bake at 450F for 12 minutes.

If you want more, scale that ratio up.  I know you have a calculator somewhere!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups (10 ounces) Cake Flour
• 3/4 cups  (6 ounces) Sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons Baking Powder
• 1/2 teaspoon Baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon Salt

The recipe is enough for a single layer cake in a greased 13x9 pan baked at 350F.

To use, add to the mix:

• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/2 cup Vegetable Oil
• 2 Large Eggs
• 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Bake at 350F for 20 Minutes or longer until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

I have made cupcakes with this at 450F (yes, higher temp) for 12 minutes.  Perfect add in for when you have the oven running making frozen foods.

Did you hear that Pavlov got a seasonal job during the holidays? He’s ringing a bell for the Salvation Army!

 I have been saving that particular topic for a while.  Just because I love dogs.

I also love malicious compliance.  After deleting a raunchy little story I deem a bit too racy for my own blog (but enjoy in private), I present you this story.

I think you'll like it.

 Putting a stop to Church gossip.

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing. 

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.