Saturday, December 31, 2016

Ten Short and Bad Jokes

Get ready for some groaners!

A man sued an airline for misplacing his luggage.
He unfortunately lost his case.


Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first. - from Law and Order


"Hey little pirate, where are your buccaneers?"
"Underneath my buckin hat!"


I took my orchestra onto a train one day
The conductor was terrible!


What does an astronaut do in his toilet?
Captain's log.


The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...
But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers.


I'm an expert at killing flies.
I'm a member of the SWAT team


It smells like a henway in here.
Person: What's a henway?
Me: About 2 pounds.


The invention of the axe was a huge...
...breakthrough.


At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....
...Only 15 pounds to go!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Welcome to Tot-Henge

In Manhattan, and many other large cities laid out on a grid, there are two very special days.  This was pointed out by noted "Science Dude" Neil deGrasse Tyson.  This is called "Manhattanhenge".

What happens on those days is that the sun positions itself so that you can see it on the east-west streets.  It happens in Philadelphia, Toronto, and many other cities, whether it is noticed or not.

The important thing is that your city be laid out in a grid roughly with the compass alignment.

In my case, it has to do with food.

Doesn't everything?  I mean food is easy to talk about.  We all food.  Yum.

Besides, bloggers like to write about recipes.  I'll let you in on a secret, it's so easy that it's almost lazy.

And you get to talk about Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Because.  Just because.

Anyway, I got hungry.  I have been doing silly things with food for quite a while.  Mixing weird concoctions, putting picture to virtual paper, and writing about that.  

Hungry is normal when you have a fast metabolism and are 193 CM tall and just under 100 KG.

That's 6'4" and 223 pounds dripping wet in Freedom Units as they say on various forums. 

Lets face it, the economy here is big and we're stubborn.  I cook in Metric but measure calories in Ounces because the math(s) is (are) easier.

There.  Should keep my friends in Her Brittanic Majesty's Realm happy.  We all love a happy Queen Elizabeth, long may she reign.


But I got creative.  Frozen food, fast.  I can put together a frozen food meal and toss it in a hot oven for 22 minutes, jump in the shower, shave, dress, and the timer on the thing is just starting to make noise for me to pull it out. 

Now, here's the trick.  This is why ChipHenge or TotHenge is important.

Are you ready?

Really?

I'm stubborn.  I hate soggy bottoms.  Especially on my food. 

If you just toss frozen food on a cookie sheet (That's where you cook your biscuits, Mate!) sometimes it crisps, other times it just gets soggy.

Hate that.  What fun is a soggy french fry?  Crisps should be Crisp.  Chips should be chippy.  Baked Fish should not be a puddle of mess.

So I stand the stuff up on its side.

As time went on the frozen food stacking got more and more elaborate.  I finally realized that this was turning into an obsession.  Say it with me...

"Hi!  I'm Bill, and I'm A Frozen Food Stacker!  A Chiphenge Afficionado!"

"Hi, Bill!"

It also helps that my name is "Bill W".  No really, not for affect.

The neat thing is that if you have a frozen food that is soggy and it is cooked in the air like that you get nice crispy chips, crunchy fish, and something else that sort of rhymes.

Up on end my food goes into nice neat rows just like Center City Philadelphia.  The Liberty One and Two towers modeled in Cod.  The rows of row houses in South Philly in Tater Tots.

All this so I don't have to heat up a fryer.

Or so I tell myself.  

That sound?  Yeah, that's my lunch.  If you'll excuse me, I have to tear down my model of Manhattan for the noon meal.  I'm hungry, but you had to expect that.

Want some?

Sunday, December 25, 2016

The Story of Santa Clothes and the Lump of Coal

A comment flew by me this morning that tripped a memory of a while back.

When you are a kid, one of the things you want the least are clothes for the holidays.

Oh sure, you need them, but they're not exactly exciting.  At least now.  I remember an old picture of right after World War 2 in the rubble of a bombed out building, there was a child who was clutching a brand new pair of shoes as if it were the crown jewels he had just been given.  So be thankful that you can have that sort of a First World Problem, young child...

I know, get off the soap box, big guy, right?

Anyway, my nephew was another one of those kids.  I was like it and so was my sister, his mom. 

"Uncah Beewl!  Santa Claus is coming soon and I am getting toys!"

Yeah he had that kids twang to his voice.  Uncah Beewl.  For the record, I never liked being called "Uncle Bill" because it reminded me of that horribly saccharine show Family Affair from back in the 1960s on US Television.   I had told my nephew it was ok, just call me Bill, but it didn't stick.

"Are you now?" I asked

I was then treated to the excitement of a little pre-school boy telling me a list of toys and what he wanted to do to them.  Of course I was going to have a bit of fun with him.

"But, I heard you were getting a lump of coal!  Are you sure?  Maybe it is Santa Clothes who is coming, not Santa Claus?"

"NO! No lump of coal!  NOOOO!  No Santa Clothes!"

"But I heard that you were getting a lump of coal and some new clothes.  Socks and T Shirts for school."

"You silly, Uncah Beewl!  No Santa Clothes! Noooo!  No lump of coal!  Toys!"

I swear the kid believed me, but hey he was young still!  "See, Santa Clothes comes when Santa Claus can't.  Santa Clothes brings good boys and girls the clothes they need to go out in the world and be with their friends!  You are a good boy, right?"

I got the strongest "YES!" I could ever get from a kid.

"So you will get some clothes for the holidays then.  I will tell Santa Clothes that he can come and you will get socks and ..."

"NOOOOOO!  NO Santa Clothes, Uncah Beewl!  No clothes for Christmahahahahs!" 

He was on the edge of crying, I needed to back off a bit.  "We will see.  Maybe I can get to Santa and see what he can do.  But remember the holidays are soon and the sleigh is packed!"

My sister thought I had lost my mind, she may be right, it might have slid out my ear and rolled under the couch somewhere.

So when the day arrived I had found some items.  Wrapped in a nice pretty box was a bunch of kids socks.  Yep, had to do it.  Along with it was a separate box of a lump of black licorice candy that looked like a lump of coal.

Jon was not downstairs yet, so I slipped the two items front and center under the tree. 

He came down, spotted the pretty little box with the lump of coal inside of it and opened it.

"Jon!  It's a lump of coal!  Isn't that great!"

"No Uncah Beewl!  Not great!"
"But look closer!  It's not a lump of coal!  It is candy!"

Jon perked up.  He opened the candy up and had a smile on his face when he tasted the stuff.   I see he had the same like for Licorice as I do.

"There's another box, Jon, go for it!"

Ok, not so happy about getting a box of socks are you?

"Jon, come here"  He was pouting thinking that his holiday gifts were over.  I had to make this right.

"Come on out to the Jeep.  I caught up with Santa but he said he was late and could I bring things to you personally? "

Jon's eyes were huge and he got real excited.

"Lets go to the Jeep!" 

We trundled out to the big grey CJ7 that was parked in front of the house.  I remember some ice on the driveway that I skidded over.  I opened the tail gate on the car, and Jon got another big present.

This was the year of the fire engine.  My sister hated that thing, just like mom did. 

But it was Perfect!

Santa and the lump of coal aside, this Fire Engine was big, and Sturdy, and when you pushed it, the siren would sound.  It was the hit of the year.  In fact it was the hit of the next couple years.

He went from being a pouty toddler to being completely happy with what he had. 

The next couple years became a tradition.  Until he was around 18, Jon would get some licorice candy in the shape of a lump of coal.  A couple years I even got it back.

Good licorice candy too!

So the moral of the lesson was to calm down and Uncah Beewl will make it right.

And lumps of coal can be tasty too!

Happy holidays folks.  Glad you could share this fractured memory of days gone by in the prairies of South Jersey.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

A Collection of Bad Jokes Guaranteed to Annoy Everyone, Even Trekkers!

A Collection of Bad Jokes Guaranteed to Annoy Everyone, even Trekkers!


My wife said she didn't enjoy her asteroid burger.
She said it could have been a little meteor.


This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas?
It's a cover version.


The past, the present and the future walked into a bar
It was tense


I'm not a pessimist
I'm just an experienced optimist


Why did the cave hate miners?
They're always picking on him.


This morning I saw an ant in my kitchen.
I placed a few sugar cubes in front of it. It had some of the sugar then went to tell its friends! Then I quickly hid the sugar because I wanted the ants think that their friend was a liar!


A blind man gets his vision back...
A miracle happens, and a man blind since he was born gets his vision back. He looks into a mirror and turns around. While pointing at the mirror, he says to his wife, "How did our son become so ugly?"


I'd like to buy a new boomerang please.
I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?


Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency.
Yep. I do that.


I saw Casper the ghost.
I said, You look pale and drawn.


A lawyer

A Greek lawyer, Mr. Impos, was on his deathbed. He had been running his highly successful firm Sybille and Associates for over 40 years now. He tells the guy who designs gravestones:

"I don't want my gravestone to bear my name. I want people to recognise my grave when they see it, and know who I am"
The gravestone designer says "Well, I'll just write upon it 'Here lies an honest lawyer'"

Mr. Sybille replies "But how would that help?"
The designer says "Every time someone sees the grave they'll say 'Here lies an honest lawyer? That's impossible!'"


I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.
He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.


Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?
Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?


My friends told me to stop being a flamingo
I decided to put my foot down!


Definition of a tree....
Something that spends 100 years growing so that it can jump out in front of unsuspecting drivers


How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Three Ingredient Cake Recipe that actually tastes moist

This really shouldn't be called a recipe.  It should be called a Hack.

It is so ridiculously easy to make that I laugh at it.

It is so popular that the recipe is just about everywhere including on the sites for the companies that make the mixes.



I tried it with a bulk white cake mix, but the recipe I keep seeing everywhere calls for a "Box Of Cake Mix".  They are not specifying flavor.   Use your favorite.

The cake mix can't be one of those "Just Add Water".

You need a cake mix that wants you to add an egg.

I used White,  but a Yellow Cake mix would be fine.  Choose a flavor that is complementary to the Pie filling you are adding.

I wanted Cherry this time, but I have done it before with other flavors.  I have blueberry and lemon pie filling waiting in the wings for when I want to do it again.



Why do I have six cupcakes?  I have a small Bundt pan and I didn't want to risk a mess. 

The recipe calls for either two layers, or a Bundt Pan.  It was not very specific.  I would say two 9 inch layers or even perhaps 3 8 inches, but I suspect that may be a bit thin.

Butter and flour your pans.



Bake at 350F / 180C for 35 minutes (or whatever metric equivalent you need to have your toothpick come out clean).

I mean that really is it.  It is laughably simple.

Ingredients:

1 box or 15 ounces of cake mix
1 can of pie filling - 20 ounces or 590 ML
3 large eggs

Process:

Butter and flour your pan.
Keep cupcake liner and pans aside for any extra cake batter.
Preheat oven to 350F or 180C.
To a large mixing bowl add 1 box/15 ounces cake mix, 1 can (20 ounces) of pie filling, and 3 eggs.
Mix the batter until smooth.
Add batter to pans taking care not to overfill.
Bake for approximately 35 minutes and test with a toothpick.
Make sure toothpick comes out clean

Optional:
Icing or not.  I have been putting Honey on top and I really do like that instead.

Personal preference!

Serve and enjoy

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Einstein's Chauffeur

Any time you find a joke that makes you smile while reading it, you have to share it.  That it includes Einstein and is completely G Rated just adds to the fun!


When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Saturday, December 17, 2016

A hunter is trying to put all his deer on his plane

A hunter is trying to put all his deer on his plane.

The pilot asks him, "How many have you got?"
"Nine", says the hunter.

The pilot shakes his head and replies, "I'm sorry, but this isn't a very powerful aircraft. At most, you'll only be able to bring five or six. Nine is too dangerous."

"Actually", the hunter points out, "I loaded nine deer onto a plane just like this one the last time I came here to hunt. It'll be fine."

The pilot shrugs and gives the hunter the all-clear.

... Later ...

About fifteen minutes into the flight, the plane begins to wobble precariously. The pilot does all that he could to stabilise his aircraft, but eventually, he loses control, and the plane crashes, leaving both the hunter and the pilot stunned, but alive nonetheless.

"Damn", says the pilot, "I wonder where we are."

"From the looks of it", says the hunter, "about ten kilometres from where I crashed last time."

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Two Monarch Caterpillars

Apparently, I like to grow sticks.

Being where I am, there are Monarch Butterflies around me all year.  Wilton Manors, Florida seems to have a thing about turning itself into a nature habitat.  I'm near a park that is a nature preserve, the M. E. DePalma Park

I'm lucky that it is handy, that park, because I walk past it frequently looking for seeds for more Milkweed.  I've got to borrow some more.  Monarchs are back. 

They seem to know.  When the Milkweed just puts forth a flower, I notice them fluttering by my porch looking for a place to lay eggs.  I make it a point to go out back and look at my pots and sure enough under a leaf there is a grain of sand.

Monarch Butterfly eggs are about the size of a grain of sand and have a swirled pattern on top like a Chinese Bun. 

The flowers never really come to term.  I almost never get seeds.   The park does, although usually about the time that the park is down to sticks, I sneak in some flowers and may even get a seed or three out of them.

We trade back and forth. 

At this point I'm down to sticks.

Orchids are in bloom.



I have a pot of Poinsettia that is hip high, and I am 6'4" tall.  It is in bloom.



My Coleus is running amok, even if I am recycling this and most of these pictures...



I have Podocarpus ready to plant.



I have red variegated Hibiscus ready to plant.



But that Mexican Milkweed?  That's what it is there for.  Food for the Monarchs.  The last time I checked there were six caterpillars on one single plant.   Those plants won't win.

Oh well, at least the Monarchs are happy and I have pictures of some that slipped in there when they weren't watching last time!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

St Peter is Checking ID's At The Pearly Gates

St Peter is Checking ID's At The Pearly Gates and first comes a Texan.

"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

Saturday, December 10, 2016

A Six Year Old and a 4 Year Old are Upstairs In Their Bedroom

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell & you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


When the mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, guess I'll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, & runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room & shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old & asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don't know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!”

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Ringneck Visitors

Sure, I'm in the middle of the city.  It doesn't mean that I don't get visitors.

In this case, though, I think they're not exactly here for me.

They're for the bar. 

The way this started was with Oscar, the orange wing amazon parrot I have had since 1986.  Bloody long time, right?  Well he's here.  He's never gotten lost, I guess I'm too good at taking care of him for that.  I have taken him out back many times when it is raining because Amazon Parrots Love Rain.

Just leave the cage out by the pool in the middle of a thunderstorm and let the parrot play in the water. 

Step number one, remove the wire cage from the plastic base.  This must be done without freaking the bird out or catching my fingers in the mesh ... or the beak within. 

Step two.  Go outside.  Better said than done.  I'm a bit unwieldy at times, somewhat clumsy.  One step down to the Florida Room.  Over the threshold and through the double doors to the Lanai.  Out to the pool deck.

And... trip. 

It doesn't happen often but the last time it did, the cage collapsed and had one rather scared green bird within a metal mesh and me freaking out to try to reassemble the cage without letting the bird fly off.

Oh, did I say that this is with Oscar being "Fully Flighted"? 

Never mind all that rot.  He just took it all calmly in.  He stepped on my index finger, let me put him inside the cage, grabbed onto my finger a little harder than I prefer and back onto the perch.

That last grab was probably because he was saying I'm being an idiot I guess.

Basically when I have to put Oscar anywhere it is usually in the back yard.  It is quiet there and while we do get "visitors" they are normally at night when I'm snoring into my pillow.

Yes, you can hear it from the corner... well yes that is TMI so I'll stop there.

Anyway, if I put Oscar in the Florida Room or out back, the outside birds will come to visit.  They range from finch sized little things to the buzzards that have just come to roost for their annual visit. 

We also have the Hawks.  Oscar doesn't like Hawks and will get loud if they come near. 

Remember Parrot = Loud.  If you want a quiet house, don't get a parrot.

I tell Oscar when he gets loud that he can go play with the hawks if he likes.  He has never taken me up on the offer.

This particular day, Oscar was in the Florida Room since it was sunny.  That was when the Ringnecks came for a visit.  Their call is like something out of The Simpsons with "Meh! Meh!" in a reedy voice.  I knew they were here for a visit with Oscar since he was clearly in view of the big double door in the back.

Settling onto the bar for a bit they watched.  I was in the kitchen puttering.  Oscar made some gentle chatter in the back. 

Ok, so I spoiled that visit by taking pictures out the Kitchen window, but hey, it is my house after all.

But they do still visit.  If the hawks are particularly active, I will have a bougainvillea full of small birds hiding.  Not today, but many days.   At least it keeps Oscar entertained.


Sunday, December 4, 2016

A Woman and her Therapist and also A Speeding Ticket

Ok, never let a little casual sexism get in the way of two good jokes. 

Or Bad Joke - you be the judge.


A Woman Asks Her Therapist About Her Husband's Terrible Temper


The therapist asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman replies, " I don't know what to do. My husband loses his temper everyday for no reason and it is starting to scare me."

The therapist advises, "I think I know a solution. When your husband starts getting angry, just take a gulp of water and hold it in your mouth. Don't swallow until he calms down".

A month later, the woman returns with good news. She reports to her therapist,

"That was a brilliant. Every time my husband gets angry I take a gulp of water and just swish it in my mouth and he calms down immediately. How does it work?"

The therapist answers, "It's not the water. It's you keeping your mouth shut."



And ...



 A Police Officer Attempts To Stop A Car For Speeding...


.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

 The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Saturday, December 3, 2016

This Guy is Walking Home From Work, Late at Night...

This Guy is Walking Home From Work, Late at Night

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump…bump…bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Rack Convinces Me To Play - Video

Every so often I get the urge to shoot video. 

This blog is very Photography Heavy, but it all comes from the same camera.  The trusty Samsung Galaxy S4. 

I do video so infrequently that I had to find all the bits and pieces that I used last time to generate the files.  Luckily Linux simply updated everything for me and it Just Worked Just Like The Last Time.

Anyway, enough boring stuff huh?

Lately I'd go out back to do the Morning Inspection.  Happens right around 7:30AM.  I'm due for the second mug of coffee, Rack is due to water a Palm Tree or three.  Once that is done, I get herded.  He wants to play.

Before it was him going around the yard at lightning fast speed.  Now, he's more interactive and more assertive.   For a dog who was completely "shut down" when I got him, I'll put up with the assertions.

Oh, and he's finding his voice, Finally.  After three and a half years.  Give or take a bit.

You will see what I mean.  Safe for all viewers.  Goofy for them too.



Now, if you want to see it, it's in full HD on Youtube, and here is the direct link.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Two Jokes about Fidel Castro

Ok, yeah, I get it.  You're not supposed to make jokes about the dead.  We all heard that or similar many times.

I will say that I have seen these jokes flying around like mosquitoes after a rainstorm.  Usually it isn't so much a joke about Fidel Castro so much as a joke about how awful communism is as a school of economic thought.

At any rate, here are two of them.  Fidel dies and goes to heaven, and Fidel dies and goes to hell.

Seeing that I live very close to Miami and the Miami Herald is (still) an excellent newspaper I bring you first:


Fidel Castro Dies And Goes To Heaven

Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, "Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"

Castro says, "It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heaven."
"Chosen by God? No, that can't be right. Why would he say that?"

So Castro tells him the story:
"When Pope John Paul visited Havana in 1998, I personally welcomed him, and invited him to tour the city. We rode in the Popemobile, and since it was a warm day, he opened the roof.

Everything was fine until we reached the Malecón, when suddenly a gust of wind blew up and swept the Pope’s zucchetto off his head and out into the sea. There it floated, bobbing on the waves.

“Don’t worry, Your Holiness,” I exclaimed, “I’ll get it for you!” I jumped over the side of the Popemobile, leaped over the seawall, and sped out over the water. Yes, I actually walked on top of the water, all the way out to where the zucchetto lay floating on the waves. Then I turned and dashed back, still skimming over the surface, leaped over the seawall, and jumped back into the Popemobile, without getting a drop of water on his clothes. “Here, Your Holiness,” I panted.

"And that's when he blessed me."

Saint Peter is obviously having a little trouble believing this, so he calls God over and asks, "Do you remember this?"
God says, "I bless a lot of people. It's hard to keep track of them all." Then he looks at Castro. "Do you have any proof?"
"Proof?" Castro exclaims. "Of course I have proof! It was worldwide news!"

So God sends Peter down to Earth to go collect some newspapers from the day after, and sure enough it's on the front page of every last one.

In Granma, the Cuban Communist Party newspaper, the headline read “Fidel is Chosen by God; He Walks on Water.”

In L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, the headline read “God Performs a Miracle: Makes Fidel Castro Walk on Water.”

And in the Miami Herald, read by the Cuban exile community in Miami, the headline read
“Fidel Castro Doesn’t Know How to Swim.”


And now, for the flip side of it all:

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes To Hell

There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell.

There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks Fidel.

“Well,” the devil replies, “in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!” he gasps. “I’m going to check out communist hell!” He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx.

“I’m still in the free world, Karl,” he says, “and before I come in, I want to know what it’s like in there.”

“In communist hell,” says Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

"But… but that’s the same as capitalist hell!“ protests Fidel, "Why such a long queue?”

“Well,” sighs Marx, “Sometimes we’re out of oil, sometimes we don’t have knives, sometimes not even hot water…”

Saturday, November 26, 2016

The Genius Drunkard

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Learning Intermediate Spanish from DVDs makes Futurama A Bit Uneven

If you are in school, you can pick up a language in class.  Of course you have that pressure of having to make the grades.

Not everyone is up to that, but if I remember right, everyone had to have a language in High School.  Some folks can't pull it together to learn a second language.

I got out of High School and then learned a stack of languages, all for programming computers.  I still am learning some, but for the most part they tend to be a variation on a given theme.  All for the Web at some level.

Right now, I'm teaching myself Spanish.  Partly with TV and Partly with Computer Based Training.  Getting to a basic level of comprehension is not too tough.  There are some excellent websites out there to get you the basics.

The Apple Is Red.
The Socks are here.
What Is Your Question?

You can go pretty far with the basics.  Once you get past that, it does get more difficult.   Remember back to your own childhood and how you learned.  It was random words, then built basic constructs, and you got feedback on how badly you spoke.  Your family, friends, and neighbors would correct you and you would get better.

That may be the problem here.  I'm doing it in isolation.  I used Duolingo.com to get myself past the basics, listen to Spanish language radio and watch TV on my own.  After a while, the TV Programs get repetitive, so you change one series out for others, and move on.

I got bold. I started watching movies dubbed in Spanish, and always the Closed Captioning helped.  I am fairly dependent on closed captions.  When you are older, or merely an adult, you read better than you speak.  When you are younger, you speak better than you read.

Or so I have been told.

I got to the point where I was watching Plaza Sesamo, which is Spanish Sesame Street, and can quote dialogue on some of those sketches because I have seen them too many times.  It's time to try other things.

One day I started looking at my DVD collection and wondered about some of the shows I liked watching.  Are They Dubbed?

It turns out that some of them are.  "Disponible es Español" it says.   Available in Spanish.

That's it!  I was thinking about watching Futurama again, why not in Spanish?

Fry's first glimpse of New New York
Futurama picture from wikipedia.com

Put in the disc, got to the menu, chose Spanish Language and Closed Captions in Spanish.  Play!

I watched as Fry was playing a Donkey Kong knock off in a Pizza Parlor in New York City on December 31, 1999 and quickly realized the problem.

Voices were wrong.  Not only wrong, but they didn't match the closed captioning.

That's kind of a problem folks!

I've seen Futurama a couple times through.  That first episode I probably saw as many as five or more times.   It isn't that I am obsessed with it, I watched the series with my programmer at work during lunch.  My office was the one that had all the laughing coming from it because we'd be watching comedy TV while stuffing our faces.

Now, mind you, while English to Spanish translations are fairly faithful, each language has its quirks and a Literal Word By Word translation is never completely correct.  Idioms don't always sound right when literally translated.

But...

This was just weird.  It was as if someone said "Lets mess with them".

There are a number of ways to say one specific thing.  Something can be a plant or a bush or a shrub and they are all correct.  Add context and calling something a plant when it is obvious that a cactus is more appropriate became glaring.

Any given language has phrases where certain thoughts are said multiple ways.  The concept of truth can be said as "De Verdad" or "Claro" but translated slightly differently when brought back into English.

Whoever did Futurama did it wrong.  They had the script, chose the words, spoke the first set but used the closed captioning for the second.

Try reading along with that one on your own.

The other mind warp that happened?  The voices are just wrong.

Fry, Leela, and Bender on a buggy on the Moon
Futurama picture from wikipedia.com
Leela is a "standard New World Spanish" accent.  Not Spain Spanish, probably a Mexican Standard or perhaps Colombian.  In English, she's got Katie Sagal's voice, a fairly unaccented woman with a powerful voice.  Pleasant.  We like Leela, Leela's a babe.

Ok, they got that right.  But...

Hermes went from being Jamaican to being Standard.
Fry went from a slight NYC accent to being Standard.
Bender went from being a thick working class NYC accent to being Standard.

Picking up on a trend there?

Yeah, it is like they scrubbed the entire "character" out of the voice character.

I guess it's like when you go to another country for the first time and turn on the TV and watch I Love Lucy dubbed into French.  Ricky swearing in French just doesn't have the same impact.

I'll have to find I Love Lucy and see if I can understand Ricky's swearing.  Might pick up a few words here and there!

I'm sure some of the dubbing on other series will be better.   After all, the kids shows I watch, plus the Nature Documentaries that I catch are all captioned correctly.  If the voice on the TV says a word, the text comes out correctly based on the spoken word.

That may be my problem.  The Crutch of Closed Captioning has reached its end of use.  I need to set it aside.

The last episode of Futurama I saw I watched in Spanish with English subs.  Easier, but I may as well watch it in full English.

I'll leave the captions off instead.

Who knows, it may help me get better at things.  Until then I'll stick with watching my DVDs in Spanish and annoying myself with bad captioning.

"En serio?"

"Sí", it gives me an excuse to watch the stuff, right?

Sunday, November 20, 2016

A Lawyer Finds a Magical Lamp

A lawyer is stranded in the middle of the desert. He finds a lamp and rubs it. Magically, a genie comes out of the lamp and says
"You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, all the other lawyers on Earth will get double."
The man says
"I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said
"Your new beach house is waiting for you. But all the other lawyers on Earth have two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine"
the man said.
"How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said
"Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But all the other lawyers on Earth now have two sports cars. You have one more wish."
The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie
"I always wanted to donate a kidney."

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Two Guys are Sleeping In The Woods

Two campers are sleeping in the woods, Bob and Jim.

Bob wakes up his friend: "Hey Jim, wake up. Look up at the stars and tell me what you see."

Jim: Well, I see a cloudless sky which will likely lead into a dry and balmy morning.

I see that the North star is visible, meaning we are in the summer solstice of the Earth's rotation.

I see that there are millions of stars, each harnessing the potential for habitable life.

I see that whatever God may or may not exist, we exist in a universe that is both perplexing and terrifying at the same time, as our role in this universe is small and we a nothing but a glimpse of significance.

What do you see?

Bob: Somebody stole our tent.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Art Happens On A Sidewalk

I'm up at Stupid O'Clock.  Even now that the time change happened, I'm still up at Stupid O'Clock.

You folks are doing something sensible like drooling into your pillow, snoring, and catching spiders with your mouth.

But no, I'm up around two hours before sunrise walking my dog.

This happens just about every day, rain or shine.  I do try to wait out the storms since they usually are short and under a half hour, but normally I just soldier on through them.

How can you tell a tourist in South Florida?

They have Umbrellas!

We'll also say they don't know how to drive, but you'll argue until you see it yourself.   Really, folks, a sign that indicates "No U Turn" means the same down here as it does in Lexington, Kentucky, and Toronto Canada as it does here in Metro Fort Lauderdale.

Sheesh.

But I am out with Rack, the McNab SuperDog (TM) wandering around town.   He's watering palm trees and I'm on the look out for anything out of the ordinary. 

I'm convinced I need to bring a pen knife to remove some stickers on public spaces, and a bottle of Acetone to wipe down the graffiti that some low lifes have decided to "decorate" light poles around town.

However, one thing popped up on the sidewalk the other day.  We had a Halloween celebration last month.  Great time for a party.  Thousands of people enjoying being out together.  Homes got decorated here, and some of them stayed decorated.

One of the balconies on Wilton Drive ended up with a laser display.  These things showed up on the scene first a year or two ago.  Put Stars on Your House!  Home Laser Display!  Amaze Your Friends.

For the most part they ended up looking somewhat weak because of the repetitive nature of the displays but it was a nice change of pace from the over done gaudiness of holiday displays.

People took them back in and put them in storage and even a few ended up at the thrift stores in January or February when nobody considered a need for them.

But Halloween?  They're just the ticket.

These folks put their display up and turned it on directly below their balcony.  So at 5 AM, rain or shine, Rack and I walk through the red and green lasers and smile.  They dance and make trails quickly on the ground for anyone to pass by.

Now, not having the right equipment to take a professional picture of them is actually a benefit in this case.  You see if it was timed right, all I would end up would be a field of dots. 

However the camera I used did not have a fast enough shutter in this case.  Turned that display in to fireworks instead.

So if you're in a light display, try it yourself.  You never know where your picture will get an upgrade to Photography.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The Story Of The Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Lots of Puns, Even More Bad Jokes

What does a traffic light tells to another traffic light?
Don't look at me I'm changing

"Hey look a flock of cows!"
“…Herd of cows...”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a whole flock of them over there!”

Why do people hate cliffhangers?
Because the suspense is killing them.

What do you get when you foot falls asleep?
Coma-toes.

How does a bakery know when to make more bread?
On a knead the dough basis

At yeast it's a good pun.

You bun messed up son
I Guess I'm toast.

What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?
A Labracadabrador

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR
"Exactly." -everyone with anxiety


I slept with my internet date...

Got a virus?
Any trojans?
And here you thought you felt a great connection.


What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.


A man is lying in a hospital bed.

"Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man.
"10," replies the doctor.
"10 what?"
"9."


I crashed my family's car
I've always wanted to see how a Mercedes-Benz.

I took your mom to a dance.
I always wanted to see how a Tiffany twisted.


What is heavy forwards and not backwards?
ton

What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller?
Flatman and Ribbon or Splatman and Globben

I hope one day they invent a car named "The S-Car"
Because everyone will see it and say, "Look at that S-Car go!"

I used to be indecisive, but, now I'm not sure.
I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.


People really hate my cheesy puns...

but I'm quite fondue of them.
This is really one of your cheddar ones. The Swiss joke had too many holes; it wasn't very well Krafted.
Too many cheese puns, you muenster!
That's a pretty Gouda one.
Ha, what a grate joke!
No reason to be blue about it.
It could brie feta, it colby worse. At least you didn't jack it up.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

How Does The Leaked KFC Fried Chicken Recipe Bake

Ok, a little history here.

There's that famous recipe.  The one with eleven herbs and spices.  The one we all had at one time or another in Western Fast Food.  It's pretty good.  I have had it before, and I'll probably have it again.

There are a lot of attempts to duplicate it or at least come close.  Many professional chefs have tried, with varying results.  I'll allow you to search for your favorite.

At one point the Chicago Tribune newspaper published an article saying that the recipe they had was The Original KFC recipe.  They weren't sure completely, but it made for a good story.  More correctly, it is alleged by a family member that this is the recipe that Harland Sanders used to make his chicken.

Do go read that link at the Chicago Tribune.  The writer told a wonderful story and the Trib definitely deserves the read and my own thanks.

I had to try it.  Or rather, I had to try that printed recipe "My Way".  And THAT is why I say "Alleged" above.  You see, when I made this, it turned out great.  But it had too much pepper in it.  Black pepper specifically, so when I make it next time, I will tweak it for my tastes.

Otherwise I really did like the chicken that I got.  So much that I will be eating some today for lunch in a big bowl with rice.

Yum.

If you like KFC chicken, either go to a proper KFC and get it there, or go through the work of figuring this one out yourself.

While I have no personal information other than the article, and I can not say whether this is absolutely KFC's original recipe, it tastes so much like my own memory of it that I'll keep making it for myself.

Yes, it is good.
Yes, it is worth the time and effort.
Yes, I will do it again.
Is it truly KFC?  Dunno but it's damn close!


How I did it:

There is a Buttermilk Marinade for 30 minutes that I of course skipped since there is no Buttermilk in the house.  You can substitute milk.  You can also skip it.  I would expect the Buttermilk to add a little moderation to the spices and tenderize the chicken due to the acid.

I pressed the chicken breasts by using a meat mallet, but obviously that isn't necessary since the KFC restaurants are selling mostly chicken parts with bone in.  I used breasts because that was what I had here on hand.  Pressing De-boned chicken makes for a more uniform thickness and therefore a more "controlled" result when baked.

Breasts were dredged through a scrambled egg wash, then generously dipped in the flour and spice mixture.



This mixture will make enough for about five pounds or two and a quarter Kilos for my non US Audience.  Hello, folks from Sunny Florida!  I split the coating in half and it worked out great for my 40 ounces of chicken parts or 1.1 KG (or so).

I did not have Celery Salt on hand.  I substituted 1/2 the amount of ground Celery Seed.  There does seem to be quite a bit of salt in this recipe to begin with.

I baked the chicken parts on a cookie sheet at 450F 230C for 15 minutes and tested to make sure that it was cooked to an internal temperature of 165F or 75C.  Thicker pieces were returned to the oven until they reached 165F.



This picture below is a direct link to the Chicago Tribune graphic, but will be explained in case that link disappears.


What that well loved recipe says is to add to two cups of flour the list of 11 herbs and spices.  The "Ts" are Tablespoons.  It makes a bit more than 3 cups of coating.

The list of ingredients are:

2 cups flour plus

  1. 2/3 tablespoon salt
  2. 1/2 tablespoon thyme
  3. 1/2 tablespoon basil
  4. 1/3 tablespoon oregano
  5. 1 tablespoon celery salt
  6. 1 tablespoon black pepper
  7. 1 tablespoon dried mustard powder
  8. 4 tablespoons paprika
  9. 2 tablespoons garlic salt
  10. 1 tablespoon ground ginger
  11. 3 tablespoons white pepper

For the metric crowd:

a cup flour is 120g
a Tablespoon is 15ml

Since this is "cooking" instead of "baking" if you're a wee bit off, you should be fine.  It isn't like making bread or a souffle!

Nice thing is that since Recipes are never patented in the US, we can share and enjoy.

But I would say the nicest thing about making this recipe is that once you're done, you will be craving for your nearest KFC restaurant.  Get the biscuits and gravy as a side. 

Do they have a proper "red eye" sausage gravy there now?  I wonder....

My own final verdict is like I said before, I will do it again but I will cut back on the black pepper.

I did have a heavy hand in coating the chicken which is why there's a strange powder on some of the pieces.  If you actually deep fry the chicken, that extra will cook and turn brown.   Baking is a bit less forgiving of my own mistakes when it comes to over-coating your chicken.

Now that I am sitting here, reading and re-reading my writing... well lunch is coming and I'm looking forward to more of this recipe chicken!


Sunday, November 6, 2016

How About Some Bad Jokes For A Sunday?

Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?
Cause it's far out, man


My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Now that wasn't very bright now huh?

I can see where you went wrong.


Sometimes life can become boring
But you'll never get tired of sleeping


Teacher:why are you late today?
Student:Because of sign down the road.
Teacher:What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Student:The sign said, "School Ahead,Go Slow"

Dad: When this heals will i be able to play this piano?
Doctor: Yes you'll be fine in a few days.
Dad: perfect, i have always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...
These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
Well, nowadays it has been implanted in us that plastic surgery is OK.

My wife is in hospital with liver failure.
She'll cook it properly next time.


2 fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says "you know how to drive this thing?"

Long story they end up at a bar and drink...
Like fish.


What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

I think I owned an old Chevy by that name.
I see what you're spaghetting at.

Two tomatoes cross the street. One of the tomatoes gets hit by a car, and the other tomato goes "Aw, come on... Catch up!"


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator :)


Saturday, November 5, 2016

A Baker's Dozen of Bad Puns

I had to fire my driver today so now I have all this money, and nothing to chauffeur it.

Why are all ants female?
Because then they would be called uncles.

Do NOT push George W Bush into that vat of concrete!
It would set a very bad precedent.

What did the cow with a cold say?
Boo

What did the crowd say to the last joke
Moooo

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
It's a Bordeaux Collie.



A ghost floats up to a bar and points to one of the bottles on the shelf. "Give me a shot of that over there," he tells the bartender.

The bartender picks up a bottle. "This?" he asks.
"Nope."

The bartender picks up another bottle. "What about this?"
The ghost shakes his head.

"Ah," says the bartender, picking up a third bottle. "You must mean this."
The ghost nods. "That's the spirit."


A cheese factory just exploded.
There was de-brie everywhere


An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

That's so negative.

No man he's got a positive charm

I don't trust that atom. Atoms make up everything.

And another atom says: Are you sure?
The first atom says: Yeah, I'm positive

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Peas And Bees On Early Voting Day

This was the day to do something outdoors.

October in South Florida is our Secret Season.  The weather Up North isn't yet awful enough that people have decided to escape. 

Our weather has decided it is time to be "Nice Out".  The highs have dropped to the low 80s.  The rains are here, but moderate.  Hurricane activity is fading away.  This year it was abrupt since the last one churned up the ocean enough to make it pleasant and cool on land.

In other words, I live where you vacation.

When I heard about London suffering through a heat wave where people were being told to limit outdoor activity, I realized that their weather was a normal South Florida summer day.  Low 90s and sun.  A bit much to be out and about, but you can deal with it.  That would be a cool Philadelphia summer day for example.

But now?  Windows open, roofs off cars, locals enjoying it.  If you're up before sunrise you may even see a stray jacket or two.

Yeah, that nice out.

So what did I decide to do on that Tuesday Morning?  Stand on line.  I went to our City Hall and went to vote.  It took about fifteen minutes since there was a line of around 20 people. 

But when that was all done?  What to do?   How about walk the town?

Beautiful day for it and I did not want to head home just yet.  I planned on hitting the thrift shops and looking at books and jeans and other odds and ends that a normal life would need.   Why not?  It would be a two mile walk total, only 3 Ks.  Sunny but not oppressive with a nice breeze off the ocean.

That's why you live here.   Sunny With A Nice Breeze Off The Ocean.  Even in February it can be like that.

I left the first thrift store and walked past our wee little triangular park.  It's too small to put a shop or a house on it, so they put shrubs in and a few benches and it's a place to picnic.  It is also a place I walk the dog past before the sun comes up two hours later practically every day.

In all our Wet Season rains, the shrubs there are growing crazily.  In fact I would not mind getting some cuttings from those plants and propagating it.  It would make a great hedge in the yard.

But some of it is as high as seven feet.  If I can't see over it, it's tall.  Chock full of orange and yellow flowers.  The bees love it. 

Mind you, even as tall as I am, I'm not fond of bees.  Go make your honey but leave your stingers away from me.

Luckily they did.  They may not be Africanized Killer Bees since they left me to my own curiosity.

But among all those multicolored flowers were some "weeds".

Now, I'm not a farmer but this struck me as odd.  Sweet Pea Flowers among the hedges.  In fact if they are allowed to grow, I'm sure you could get a small harvest of the things.

There they were, pure yellow, intertwined among the hedge, and growing some ripe pea pods.

Made the bees happy I am sure.

It also struck me as amusing as to the incongruousness of having a Pea farm in a park in an urban area coated with hundreds of bees.

That's all part of being here, I suppose.  Drop a seed and it will grow.  Ignore it long enough and you have a farm full of misplaced invasives.

Sometimes it all works out for the best.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Two Strangers are at the top of a New York Skyscraper

One turns to the other, "Wow, pretty incredible." He says.
The other guy leans way over the railing, "Long way down!" He says

This worries the first guy and he tells him to be careful. 'Pfff, no need to fret. They've installed rubber concrete down there. See, I could jump and I'd just bounce back up."

The second guy, realising the stranger was delusional, was about to move away when the man threw himself over the edge. Shocked, the second guy ran to the railing and saw the man plummet to the ground, only to rebound up and land safely back on the observation deck.

"Incredible! I've never seen anything like it! Is it safe?" The astonished man enquires.
"Completely." The stranger replies, "I helped design it. You should try it, it'll be quite the tale to tell your friends'!"

So the second man climbs the railing, takes a deep breath, leaps from the edge, falls a hundred stories and....splat. He becomes pavement pizza.

Just then Lois Lane steps out of the elevator onto the observation deck. She waves to her companion and apologises for being late. "I hope you weren't too bored waiting?" She asks.

"No problem" replies Clark, "I've been amusing myself just fine."

Sunday, October 30, 2016

A Woman Goes For A Facelift

When I was a wee brat, my sister had quite a few dolls.  Dolls everywhere, on shelves, in the corners, on the beds, in the closets in her bedroom.

Right, Pat?

And this was something of a golden era of dolls.  They all had their gimmicks.  Some were super tall, others had the ability to walk, there was even one you could give a hair cut by turning a knob in the back of her head. 

To this day, I refer to "Turning the Knob on the Back of Your Head" as getting a hair cut.

Seeing that I have been giving myself haircuts since 2003, I know that knob well.

My British audience would most likely be having a quiet giggle about how I turn my own knob.

My American audience will have to understand that means just what rudeness it sounds like.


At any rate, the joke today... it is on the same vein.   I present "A Woman Goes For A Facelift".


A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Going To Publix to Cage A Thunderstorm

I have often said "Beauty happens everywhere, prepare yourself, and take a camera."

Even when you are doing something that you might consider mundane, you might be surprised. 

All it takes is to stop and smell the roses.

In my case, it was to stop and load the back of the car with the groceries.

You see we had just had a whole bunch of rainstorms.   That's a technical term "whole bunch".  We had a miss of a hurricane, then a couple days of storms.  All that gets followed by what passes for normal, which really is just a setting on the washer.

Since we, as a species, have decided to ignore what is happening around us, the weather got "weird".

South Florida at this time of year Back In The Old Days of the 80s and before, or so I have been told, had very regular weather in The Wet Season.  Rain at 4:30PM.  Clear for the drive home.

Then we managed to fill up the place with condos put too close to roads and homes that were once low slung and now are beginning to look strangely familiar to anyone who grew up in a colder climate.  You know, two stories or more.  Split Levels.  Frame houses.

Yeah, all of that will get knocked down the first time we have a proper Category 3 blow through like Matthew was supposed to be here.  Those houses will all end up in my swimming pool and like places.

If you are moving down here from Up North, buy an older house.  One floor.  Concrete Block.  Impact Glass.  Non-Flat roof made of Tile.  That's a start.  Let the other guy "take the hit".

We moved here after everyone filled the place up and took over from someone else who wandered off to the Florida Keys to build a house on stilts.  I guess he wanted to fish for Lion Fish off his back porch.

But the storms don't come at the same time since all those homes and all those pitched roofs and all that black asphalt warmed the air.   The sun hits it all, warms it up and creates a strong updraft.  It creates an island of heat that my own house is on the edge of.

So those 4:30 PM storms hit south of Miami and at the airport since the airport is a big open grassy field.  We get our storms at random times, seemingly around "The Dinner Hour" which certainly varies, or over night, or all day.

You get the picture... it all changed.

This particular day was one of those random days.   We got rain most of the afternoon and that meant that we were puttering.  I went into the kitchen and got creative and realized I needed a few things from the market.  Since it was raining, we went down to The Big Publix downtown in Fort Lauderdale since there is a parking garage built over top of the market.  Convenient and you don't have to park in another area code because you want to park in the shade.

Another Floridian trick:  You will park way "out there" so  you can put your car under a tree, then walk way back.  This is so your car doesn't melt in the sun.  Of course you get your suntan on the walk back from the shop, or the mall, or what have you.

Tourists tan.  Locals don't. 

The building is built like a bunker.  Thick walls to support all those SUVs and Exotic Cars that people here seem to think they need to show off to their neighbors with.  Plus my qualifies-for-antique-license-plates Jeep Wrangler. 

Think of a casino.  No idea of what is happening around you, outside, day or night.  You can't tell if you are in the middle of a war in one of those bunkers of a buildings.

I was in Aisle 7, I think.  Giggling at the magazines.  Looking at the pictures and considering translating one of the Spanish Language ones just for practice.

We heard the weather then.  A Deep Rumble, and a far away wind.  Considering we were further inside that building than my entire property length, that was a surprise.

"Must be rain". 

We rarely use umbrellas here.  Locals, that is.  You see someone using an umbrella and it is a snowbird or other tourist, or it is one of those rain storms that has no wind. 

This wasn't that.  It was a gully washer out there. 

We managed to finish the shopping and went up to load up the car.  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked West.  Weather almost always moves East to West here except the times it moves North to South or Up and Down.

Scratch that, you really can't tell what way a specific cell is Supposed To Move.  Thunderstorms can come from any direction at any time in October.

And there it was.  Looking Caged.  A thunderstorm.  I guess that was what I heard when I was reading that one Spanish magazine.

They do come from any direction and sometimes they just pose for you.

Finishing the shopping, we made it home without incident.  Just a little rain starting up just as we got into the driveway and loaded the food into the house.

You see, Storms here can come at any moment...

Sunday, October 23, 2016

There was a man who drove a train for a living

There was a man who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Bad Jokes? No! Dad Jokes!

Bad Jokes?  No!  Dad Jokes!

NASA's been working on a way to help reduce the number of unwanted pets world wide...
they're going to build the International Spay Station.

The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes ...
My dogs don't even have bikes

Three women walk into a bar.
The fourth ducks.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

In light of the recent killer clown trend I thought I'd offer some advice ...
So, what do you do if you're attacked by a group of killer clowns?
You go for the juggler

I asked my mom about the best moment of her life ...
She said that giving birth to me really brought out the child in her

Anybody need an ark?  I Noah guy!
Ark ark ark!
And his wifes name?...Joan. Joan of Arc.

Why are trees useless at eating?
They're all bark and no bite.

3 Dads
R's son was on the HS fencing team. Now at College.
Me: Is B on the fencing team in college?
R: No. He competed in only a couple of events his Sr. year in HS.
G: So he didn't stick with it.
Me: If you don't keep up you get rusty.
R: He lost his edge...
Me: I get the point

I want to buy a self driving car...
But every time I go to look at one it drives away!

My friend comiserating their depressing life: "C'est la vie"
my response: "la vie"

How do puns work in different languages?
With a visa.

How did Arnold Schwarzenegger move abroad?
With his Hasta La Visa

How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi?
There there, they're there

what does Karl Marx eat for dinner?
Communist Manepesto

I was going to stop at the brake repair shop,
But I couldn't.

I got double dad joked by my 6 yo
My daughter was riding her bike while I was brisk walking next to her.
After a few minutes, I told her that I was tired.
She goes "Hi Tired, I am two tired"

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?
Mediyolkre

Q: What is purple with black stripes, shaped like a football and small enough to carry around in the palm of your hand?
A: An egg with suspenders.

Q: Hey wait a minute! Eggs aren't purple!
A: The suspenders are too tight.

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?
You have to have a sea-section!

What do you do when a Piglet goes missing?
Send out a hamber alert!

I wasn't sure when the sun was coming up...
But then it dawned on me.

Where do ghosts shop?
At the Bootique.

I wasn't sure how to use my computer mouse
But then it clicked
I could have given you some pointers.
I've got it in hand now
You've let the cat out of the bag now
I'm just sitting here spinning my wheel still

I tried to tell the Egyptian that he was drowning
But he was in denial
you could say he's up a certain river without a paddle...

Do Egyptians fall for pyramid schemes?

I tried to tell a Parisian that he was drowning
But he was insane

Dad what's a debate
The bait is what you put at the end of a fishing line.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Teaching Rack How To Dog

I found myself standing in the backyard.  I wasn't alone.  I think, strictly speaking, I am never alone in the yard.  There are always wild critters back there.  Lizards, snakes, iguanas, and more.

No, I had my own critter with me.  Rack.  The McNab SuperDog(TM) was staring at me.  I wasn't the font of all knowledge, but he seems to think so.

I went back to puttering.  After a glancing blow from Hurricane Matthew, I stood the lawn chair upright, and found that I had some weeds to pull.  There are always weeds to pull in a temperate or tropical yard and garden.  You can always find something that doesn't belong. 

Freeport Bahamas got slammed by that storm, we didn't really have anything that a line of Thunderstorms would have caused.

I reached down to pull some philodendron vine that had decided it wanted to live in the turf that passes for grass here and bent back upright. 

He was still staring.

I said "What?" as I walked toward the grey bin to drop the fist full of vines and other unwelcome guests.
Rack trotted away, bouncing at each step.

Me being the clumsy type, I bumped into the trash can.

At that point, Rack shot into hyperspace.  I felt the breeze waft past as he ran past me at something over the speed of light, Einstein not withstanding, and heard the pop as he passed behind the shed.  Rack had disappeared into the alternate universe and paid a visit to his other family in the dog universe.

Simultaneously I heard another pop behind me as he re-materialized and dropped back into normal space.

Hard to believe that this was the same fearful dog that I had adopted around three years ago.  Having spent his first six months with some moron who thought hunting was the right thing to do with his free time, and that a herding dog would be the right thing to have with it, and the next month and a half in a veterinarian office getting more fearful by the day, I had a dog who has something that would best be described as having PTSD.

Not to mock anyone who has PTSD, but a fearful dog like Rack will drop to his belly if you drop a spoon into a cup of coffee, and I have seen him flatten out in the middle of a four lane highway when he heard a large semi-truck a quarter of a mile away blow out his brakes.

Hunting Dog, Indeed.  Go do something constructive with your time, moron.

Rack dropped to a prance across the pool and looked back and smiled.

I have to teach him How to Dog.

I have always had fearful dogs.  By the time Lettie passed away, she was literally bulletproof.  I could take her anywhere and she would simply deal with it.  The first walk I took her to Germantown Avenue in Philadelphia well after dark, she slammed herself against a wall in fear, shivering, when the Route 23 bus came down The Hill from the Chestnut Hill Station. 

Fearful dogs, I get.  I know what they're going through.  They just take longer to come out of their shells. 

Not everyone wants a goofy puppy who bounds around and acts like they are into everything that you are into.  That's a lot of work in a very short period of time, and most people are not up to task.

Goofy Puppies are great, you can mold them, and sometimes you even get it right.  More often than not, you don't get it right.  Then you have a horrible yappy Havanese, Maltese, or Yorkshire Terrier who barks at anything and everything, fiercely, and tries to kill it.  "It" could be a bird on a tree limb across the yard, or the 5:15PM flight into the local airport coming in from overseas.  It could also be me or one of mine, out for my evening walk, and your dog went insane.

Why?  Simple, you forgot to let it be a Dog.  You tried to Humanize the creature and you ended up with a mental case.  You forgot to guide your dog and teach it acceptable behavior in what to it is an alien environment.


I jumped looking at Rack's smile.  He went back into Hyperspace and re-materialized with me under the Mango Tree.   I had the most Florida of experiences.  I was rubbing my dog's belly while he was wiggling around, under a mango tree, next to the coleus, adjacent to the pool, next to the sea grape tree.

I stood up, and bounced on the balls of my feet.   Rack set himself upright, bounced into the air.

McNab Dogs can jump.  He's out of practice, but he can jump five feet off the ground and put his paws on my chest. 

Oh well, I'll have foot prints on my chest until I can change, no big deal.

He did a tight figure eight around the mango, then the palm, added a loop behind the bougainvillea, and came back with a leap and ...

A Woof.

Ok, this is new.  He actually barked.   Once. Fearful PTSD Dogs don't do that.  They may whine or cry.  They will hide, cower, shiver.  But bark?  In Joy? 

Holy crap this is good!

You see, at a little past four years old, my terrified, scared PTSD McNab Dog learned that it can be alright to bark in joy!

I looked at him, upside down begging for more tummy rubs and said "Woooof?". 
He flipped back onto his feet, did another figure eight plus a half loop for good measure where he bounced off the back wall of the house, rebounded, and said "WOOF!".
I thought that 7:45 in the morning may be a little early for WOOF! but we'll see.  It is past the 10PM to 7AM quiet time.  Nobody was in Vern or Joe's yards, I thought I'd hear about it later if there was a problem.  Rack needed this!

I jumped into the air and played keep away weaving through the pots near the pool, next to the banana tree, stopped and bounced.

Rack ran back around and lept into the air, coming down and "WOOF!".
"Woof?"
"WOOF!" Rack replied.

I responded with some more windsprints back and forth and running with Rack.  I remember that I used to run 10Km around Valley Forge National Park in Pennsylvania and there was this one 45 degree hill there that I would power up on my runs...

One more lap around the mango tree and Rack ran over to the spa.  When I saw him drink from the water there, I knew it was time to wind him down.  He was still excited but it was time to go in.  He needed the cleaner water from the bowl in there.

But that's the key.  Knowing what to do.  No matter the breed, no matter the size, from Rudy the Chihuahua down the block to that Great Dane that is more horse than dog, you can have a balanced dog of a lifetime.

I'm believing that it is more about taking things at the dogs pace and being a guide instead of a leader.  Making sure that what you do with the dog is not too much but just right.  You need to uplift your fearful dog rather than calm down an aggressive dog.

After all, if the dog gets to be a hair trigger barky dog, it's up to you to teach it to calm down. 

It may be a bit too much to expect these days.  The "Rational Man" that society used to depend on to get things done has been taken advantage and worn down and replaced by the "Entitled Man".  The Me First of the 1980s mindset ended up with day care for kids and for dogs and society is where it is today as a result.

But if you take things steadily and rationally, you may actually find that the returns are still there.

You may actually get a WOOF! of joy instead of a mental case pacing from front door to back barking at the jets in a holding pattern getting ready to land at the big city airport down the road a piece.