Saturday, October 22, 2016

Bad Jokes? No! Dad Jokes!

Bad Jokes?  No!  Dad Jokes!

NASA's been working on a way to help reduce the number of unwanted pets world wide...
they're going to build the International Spay Station.

The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes ...
My dogs don't even have bikes

Three women walk into a bar.
The fourth ducks.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

In light of the recent killer clown trend I thought I'd offer some advice ...
So, what do you do if you're attacked by a group of killer clowns?
You go for the juggler

I asked my mom about the best moment of her life ...
She said that giving birth to me really brought out the child in her

Anybody need an ark?  I Noah guy!
Ark ark ark!
And his wifes name?...Joan. Joan of Arc.

Why are trees useless at eating?
They're all bark and no bite.

3 Dads
R's son was on the HS fencing team. Now at College.
Me: Is B on the fencing team in college?
R: No. He competed in only a couple of events his Sr. year in HS.
G: So he didn't stick with it.
Me: If you don't keep up you get rusty.
R: He lost his edge...
Me: I get the point

I want to buy a self driving car...
But every time I go to look at one it drives away!

My friend comiserating their depressing life: "C'est la vie"
my response: "la vie"

How do puns work in different languages?
With a visa.

How did Arnold Schwarzenegger move abroad?
With his Hasta La Visa

How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi?
There there, they're there

what does Karl Marx eat for dinner?
Communist Manepesto

I was going to stop at the brake repair shop,
But I couldn't.

I got double dad joked by my 6 yo
My daughter was riding her bike while I was brisk walking next to her.
After a few minutes, I told her that I was tired.
She goes "Hi Tired, I am two tired"

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Q: What is purple with black stripes, shaped like a football and small enough to carry around in the palm of your hand?
A: An egg with suspenders.

Q: Hey wait a minute! Eggs aren't purple!
A: The suspenders are too tight.

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?
You have to have a sea-section!

What do you do when a Piglet goes missing?
Send out a hamber alert!

I wasn't sure when the sun was coming up...
But then it dawned on me.

Where do ghosts shop?
At the Bootique.

I wasn't sure how to use my computer mouse
But then it clicked
I could have given you some pointers.
I've got it in hand now
You've let the cat out of the bag now
I'm just sitting here spinning my wheel still

I tried to tell the Egyptian that he was drowning
But he was in denial
you could say he's up a certain river without a paddle...

Do Egyptians fall for pyramid schemes?

I tried to tell a Parisian that he was drowning
But he was insane

Dad what's a debate
The bait is what you put at the end of a fishing line.

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