Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night?
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach"
What did music tell the pancakes?
What did the pancakes say back?
Pour Some Sugar on Me
I find hanging around in coffee shops
A great way to espresso yourself
As long as you don't make a mocha-ry of yourself.
Its a little latte for that, It's bean a while though.
At least you have your health, I've been coffee-ing all damn week.
I hope you feel a lait better soon.
Thank you, I can't wait to get this frap put of my lungs.
When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack?
When you are playing Charades.
What do you call an alien in a swamp?
What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"?
A woman files for divorce from her husband, citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns.
When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
"Tiny” the man replies.
"What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
"Because…He’s my newt.”
What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go?
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?
He was delighted.
A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games.
All I said was that he made too many mistakes...
Why do the French like eating snails?
Because they can't stand fast food!
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A big thanks to all the sidewalks out there..
They've been keeping me off the streets for as long as I can remember!