Sunday, February 26, 2017

A Scientist is Studying a Trained Frog

Sorry to say but this bad joke I remember from my childhood.

Have a groan on me.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.

The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps. The scientist measures the distance... the frog jumped four whole feet.
"Hmmm..." ponders the scientist, writing this down.

The scientist uses the scalpel to cut off one of the frog's front legs, and then sews the wound up. Then, eager to see what will happen, the scientist commands "Jump, frog, jump!"
Hearing the scientist's voice, the frog jumps. The scientist pulls out the measuring tape... the frog only made it three feet this time.
"Hmm!" the scientist says while stroking his beard.

The scientist removes the other front leg, stitches the wound closed, and resets the experiment.
"Jump, frog, jump!" he cries. The frog jumps forward, the scientist measures- only two feet of distance.
"Hmmm." the scientist ruminates.

Next to go is one of the frog's rear legs. Alas, sometimes science can be cruel.
The scientist orders the test subject to "Jump, frog, jump!" and at the sound of his voice, the frog jumps- only 12 inches this time, and slightly off-center.
"Hrm." frowns the scientist, and records his data.

Finally, the last limb is taken off. The scientist places the legless amphibian back at his starting point and shouts "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just sits there, looking up at him with its little froggy eyes.

Perturbed, the scientist bellows "JUMP, FROG, JUMP!" to no avail. It just keeps looking up at him sadly with those little froggy eyes.

"AHA!" cries the scientist, flush with the excitement of discovery.
"Frogs with no legs are DEAF!"

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A Baker's Dozen of Short Jokes

Why did the network admins go to Hooters?
To see the the server racks.

Someone just threw a bottle of omega 3 fish oil at me!
Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A Brazilian!

That joke was Amazon!

What do a cheezit and a hungry white stoner have in common?
Both are baked snack crackers.

My ex tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

My cannibalistic friend really annoyed me!
So I gave him a piece of my mind.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...
Man I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?

What do you call an insect on your family tree?
An ANT-cestor or just an aunt?

What did the wrench from New York say to the guy who kept interrupting him?
Hey, I'm torque'in over here!

What would you call Barbie's Boyfriend if he was an alcoholic?

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Sunrise and Sunset in Wilton Manors

I am trying to reset my clock.  I should probably just ignore it.

What I mean is that since the Time Change is coming, I should do what I do every year and stop trying to "sleep in" because when Spring Ahead comes in a couple weeks, I'll be getting up at a normal hour anyway.

Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer anyway, right?

Yes, I still get up at Stupid O'Clock, but as Einstein will tell you, Time Is Relative, anyway.

I almost never am up after dawn, and I almost always have foot and paws to pavement on the first dog walk before then.

Mind you, while you are laying in bed, drooling into the pillows, snoring and rolling over to let the blood flow back into your arms, there are things you are missing.

The mornings here can be pretty amazing.  In the case of the sunrises, they can be stunning.  I live about 2 miles from the beach, that is 3 Kilometers.  Wilton Manors, Florida.  If I stand in the street in front of my house I can just clearly see the top floors of the hotels at the beach. 

In this part of the world, having a clear sky is not all that common.  I mean literally completely devoid of clouds.  It's the Tropics.  There is a lot of humidity here.  Typically there is a line of clouds that form well off shore that you can just barely see the tops of on a clear day.  They tend to dissipate once the sun comes up and it used to be that you could predict afternoon thunderstorms between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.  Too many people have moved here and created a heat island, but if you go to the smaller cities just North of us, that weather pattern still exists.   Fort Pierce for example.

I once was told by an Old Florida Hand that he knew when he was Up North when the stripe of sweat down his back disappeared.  Sure it would be hot up there, but the humidity keeps our backs damp.  Hard to explain to you people up North like in say the Carolinas...

But the clouds come through and decorate the skies.  Little Puffy Clouds, sometimes coalescing into showers or storms too small for Radar to spot, would float past, leave spots on the car, then move off somewhere else.  Keep the flowers blooming.

Those clouds do something else right around Sunrise and Sunset.  It captures those first or last rays of the sun that have traveled through many more miles of air than they would at noon due to the angle of attack.  Longer wavelengths of light such as blues and greens get stripped away and the clouds light up in brilliant yellows, then orange, then finally red as they fade to night, or the opposite as the lights begin to tickle them from underneath to start your day.

In the case of this particular day, it is a happy accident.  These pictures are one day, February 21, 2017.  Both the sunrise and sunset were captured.  Both were beautiful in their own right.   One brilliant light show started the day, and another closed it off.  Both were with in a few steps of each other, literally less than 100 paces apart. 

All you have to do is wait for it.  It will get here, and if you miss it... there is always tomorrow.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Trolley Conductor

There is a town, in this town there is a massive trolley business. They have the best trolleys and they make the most money. They make their money by not paying people very much, people like George.

George was a trolley conductor for many years and he lived paycheck to paycheck. Part of his job was to take people's coins and put them in the box, every once in a while he takes a few, but only to stay alive and feed his family.

One day, the big trolley executives realize they should be making more money than they are, so they hire an investigator to look into it. The investigator goes and rides the trolleys and finds George, now it just so happened that George's son was sick and he needed the money so he stole some quarters, not much, just enough to help his son.

He investigator sees George do this and arrests him.

At the trial the trolley company wants to make a big example of him, do they bribe the judge, hey bribe the jury, and George gets death by electric chair.

They hook up the chair and turn it on, but nothing happens. They take George away and have somebody check out the chair and it should be working. They decide to give him the whole prison's power all into the chair.

They put George in, plug it in and turn it on... and nothing happens. They are amazed and decide they need more power.

By this time the press have looking into the suspicious trial and they find out about the bribery.

The trolley company gets them to hook up half of the city's power to this chair, so they can finally make an example of him.

But nothing happens.

The police come and free George. The press is overjoyed and they ask him, "how did you survive the electric chair"

George responds, "well.. I guess I'm just a poor conductor"

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Even More Short Jokes!

A Job Interview in Psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
Very good, the job is yours.

 What perches on your computer and says "Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!"?
A parity error!

(you may want to read that last one out loud)

My friends asked me to impersonate a lion.
It was a roaring success.

I have spilt paint!
It's a dyer situation.

How does the moon get a haircut?
Eclipse it.

I was going to write the Great American Nursing Home Romance Novel...
....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

The next one ... Pick a Punchline!

My roommate claims I am Schizophrenic.
a) We'll show him.
b) Joke's on him, I don't have a roommate!
c) I believe you mean Dissociative Identity Disorder? Unless your roommate is actually just a hallucination, in which case...carry on my mentally ill compatriot
d) I'M NOT CRAZY! The voices in my head would have told me that...

Again... Pick a Punchline!

How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) None, it's already lit, fam.
b) But you can bet your ass we will be sure to complain about it though!
c) I don't know, but there better be an outlet somewhere nearby so I can charge my phone. And BTW, do you have a charger I can borrow? I lost mine.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Video - A Trip To The Fort Lauderdale Beach, January 28, 2017

Yep, I had the camera on and the phone in hand.  I remembered to hold the thing the "right" way so you don't get one of those stupid videos with bars on either side.

A trip to the beach.  Full HD.  Me acting goofy with the radio on in background.  The idiot software on youtube says that there's a copyright in the music so you'll have to tell me if it causes a problem.

Anyway, if you're feeling cold and icky, this was my ride home in the Jeep from the burger joint I went to for lunch that day.  Kind of hard to bark at a trip like this and I had a clean ride North on A1A.

Now, that whole bit about practicing Spanish at the beach that you hear me laughing at myself with?  You see, since I am learning the language, I listen to very little English Language radio.  I always did like what we Anglos would generically call "salsa" but there are many more genres than just that.   So I put on the one station on the radio in the car, and in the kitchen, and sometimes on the speaker network in the house.   I also watch a minimum of an hour of Spanish Language TV per day but that varies and can be "the whole afternoon".

I did enjoy the drive anyway, and it was nice to get out of the house and have a burger with a very good friend. 

Here's the drive back.  If you're hating the weather where you're at, feel free to watch this.  Aqua Colored Water, Brilliant White Sand, and a whole beach full of people.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

How About Some More One Liners?

I Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone stuck a Teabag in my mouth!
I went totally Mental!
I mean, No one treats me like a mug!

A recent study has found out that women who carry a wee bit of extra weight live longer ...than the men who mention it.

What do you call a bear without teeth?
A gummy bear!

When in doubt...
Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do?
Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

The definition of a Freudian Slip is:
It's when you say one thing you but you mean your mother.

Apple has just turned to making Medical Accessories.
Their first product is the Ipatch.

I have a girlfriend but ...
"But what?"
"She's in another nation"
"Which one?"

What kind of pants does a scientist wear?
A pair of genes.

Yes, I have lost to my computer at chess...
But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing!

Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

A Merman Named Mike is Working as a Bodyguard For A Celebrity's Huge Undersea Party

He is informed that there is some merman here plotting to kill the celebrity, and watches everybody with suspicion. Soon, he is allowed a break while another bodyguard fills in, and on this break he meets a beautiful mermaid.

"Hello." she says rather shyly. "Enjoying the party?"

"I suppose," Mike says. "I don't get to enjoy much of it as a bodyguard though."

"Well that's fine. Maybe we could chat for a while until your break's over."

And so they did. It was a fairly long conversation, and they kept talking and talking about a lot of stuff until the mermaid said she had to go. After giving Mike her number, she swims out of the door in a hurry.

Mike's break is over soon after that, and he returns only to find the celebrity dead, the bodyguard dead, and the beautiful mermaid standing over them with a pistol.

She aims the pistol at Mike.

"Just one last thing before I die- why?" asks Mike. "I heard it was a merman plotting to assassinate the celebrity."

"And you heard right." the mermaid said with a laugh. She tore off her wig, lowered her voice, and cackled once more.

"It was all a disguise." said the merman assassin.

I guess that assassin wasn't all he was maid up to be.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Thirteen Is Too Much Of A Good Thing - Or Why I Have Started Moving The Muscovy Ducks On

Too much of a good thing I guess, but it is time to move the house guests on.

Oh I don't mind them, but I most certainly mind their mess.

Them are the ducks.  Muscovy Ducks that are semi-tame.  They're considered domestic fowl, so they fit in the same category as a stray cat or dog.  Mind you, animal welfare has enough to do and doesn't want them.  What I will have to do is become a nuisance, annoy them.

Why would I want to run them off?  They are for the most part harmless.   They walk through the yard cropping grass and removing insects.

I know that doesn't answer the question.  It is time for a little story.

I was sitting in my bouncy Poang chair next to the window.   It is about a yard away from the window, and I can just touch it if I try and have a bendy day.  These windows on the house are what are called "Impact Glass".  Think of the stuff that your bank has at the teller windows although they may be either thinner or thicker.  Not sure there.

Great things, they quiet down the noises on the street.  If you live in an urban environment, you know what a blessing that is.  The house itself has fans and mechanical clocks and air conditioning running so the place is never completely silent.

Yes, air conditioning in February.  It's South Florida after all.

It was after 8 at night.  I couldn't find anything on the TV to watch and I didn't want to resort to the internet.  I was doing some technical reading.  Sliding into my consciousness with all the speed of a snail I hear wheezing. 

Ducks on the front porch. 

Figuring that they would move on after looking in the front door I would return to what I was doing.

After too long of a while they were still at it.  I got up and walked to the door.  There was a writhing pile of four ducks mating on the front porch.  Think of four mostly black feathered thanksgiving turkeys the size of a football, US or Otherwise, each trying to make more baby ducks.   They didn't like my watching over their "love making" efforts and began to unravel from the pile.  The two not directly engaged, I guess they were some sort of duck cheerleaders, peeled off and started to leave. 

The other two kept at it. 

I began to flap my arms like wings.  I became a giant, almost two meter tall, 6'4" bird.  Since Big Bird is taller than me, and not available, I started to make other noises.  High pitched "BL!BL!BL!BL!" noises.  That snapped the two lovers out of their reverie and they began to drag themselves apart and off my porch.  

To make sure they didn't return, I started following them about a yard behind. 

"BL!BL!BL!BL!" I said!  "BL!BL!BL!BL!"
"HISShiss! HISShiss!" they replied while flapping their webbed feet along, slowly.  Seriously, you could actually pick one up, they don't move all that fast.

I managed to chase them all off the front porch and yard and returned to my reading.

A half hour later I got prepared for the evening Dog Walk.

Did I not say it was too much of a good thing with these ducks?  I had to chase them off after they turned the area under my Jeep into a Duck Toilet, but this... was something resembling either a plague or a Hitchcock movie.

There were, quite literally, thirteen of the beasts in my front yard.  Thirteen adult ducks using the yard as a rest stop and mating station.  There were ducks in my hedges.  There were ducks on the grass.   There were ducks hissing at me and my dog, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM).

It was clearly time to act.

The ducks began to spread out.  Rack has no real prey drive, doesn't understand that a McNab Dog is one of the best herding breeds known to man.  Herding Breeds don't kill, they merely collect the livestock into a clump and move them on.

But, Rack has no herding drive that we have ever noticed.

Fine.  I  am the alpha dog here anyway.  "Come on, Boy, we've got work to do!"

I walked head on into a giant pile of thirteen large thanksgiving turkeys.  They scattered.  Rack was surprised that the ducks would scatter when he approached and liked it.  He started bounding through the birds while I came at them from a couple yards away at the end of his large purple leash.  The ducks flapped off across the street and into four adjoining properties. 

The neighbors would thank me in other ways later.  I was beginning to have an effect.

This became our normal routine.  If I walked by the front windows or doors, look for ducks.   If there were ducks, move them on.  Thirteen of the monsters did not belong in the yard at once.  One or two, Fine, but thirteen?  Do you have any idea what a yard smells like after thirteen thanksgiving turkeys were using the yard as a toilet?

I do.

Luckily they began to take the message.  The ones that were there on the night of the duck orgy know now that the lock on the front door means that crazy flappy bird guy would be coming out soon to chase them off.   I have them trained to walk off when the front door lock rattles open.

They are also not hiding under the Jeep any more.  Can't have that.  They aren't paying rent after all. 

One or two is great, I love watching wildlife, but four of them on the front porch making more baby ducks is overkill and thirteen is just insane.

Living on an island, we're surrounded by a slow moving river.  They can live on the water after all.  Waterfowl not Carportfoul or Porchfoul.

If you will excuse me, I have a porch to powerwash, yet again.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

The European Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.

A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Twelve Announcer Quotes That Went Wrong

Now, I won't say that I know these to be true, but I will say I've seen them attributed on the web in a number of places.   That and "Did you REALLY mean THAT?"

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby  Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Depression Era Chocolate Cake Recipe is a Winner

Have you ever stuck a fork into some food and said that you wished you had the recipe?

I did when I had this cake the second time.  It is THAT good!

Oh, and as a bonus for those who care, the cake itself ... it's actually Vegan!  Yeah, no milk, no eggs.

The icing is vegetarian since it requires butter and milk.  If you want to try making it Vegan, go ahead I won't judge...

But this cake is excellent as is.  One of the best Chocolate Cakes I have had in memory.

It is a chocolate cake recipe from the Great Depression Era, when they had to be thrifty and scrimp on every corner they could. 

But... whoever came up with this recipe came up with an amazing cake.

I find it every time I look for a chocolate cake recipe, and it haunted me until I took the time to make it.

You will find recipes like this one every time you search.  Some add things to it that are unnecessary and added fluff.   You can have it plain, without icing, and just a bit of confectioner's sugar on top.  I opted for a rather simple buttercream icing and am really glad I did.

The trimmings I had of the cake to make it round the first time out tasted almost as rich as a brownie.  It stayed moist in the refrigerator longer than I expected, which is a big bonus.  My regular recipe is good, but this is better.

The process of making this is simple:

  • Add to a large mixing bowl (I recommend a stand mixer, but that is for speed) all your ingredients saving the vinegar for last.
  • Mix until smooth (See, that stand mixer would help)
  • Pour into floured and buttered 8 by 8 inch pan.
  • Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until the toothpick comes out clean when tested.

To make a more modern sized cake, I doubled the ingredients and got a two layer 9 inch cake.

Yes, Double the ingredients.  I did say Depression era and 8 by 8 one layer was the original size.
I also Doubled the icing for a 2 layer, 9 inch cake.

8 by 8 inch is a 20cm square.
9 inch round would be 23 cm.

Or so.


For the cake (Each Layer):
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/3 cup vegetable oil
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 teaspoon Apple Cider or White vinegar
For the Icing (Each Layer):
  • 2 Tablespoons butter (room temp or melted)
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 cup powdered sugar
  • 1 Tablespoon milk (I used 2%) *PLEASE SEE NOTE BELOW!*
  • 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Note:  On Feb. 12, 2017, we wanted this cake again.  I made one layer worth of each.  The cake rose so tall that I think you probably could make one layer worth of batter, but split it in half to get normal height layers. 

Also for the Icing - Start with one Tablespoon Milk in your mixer.  It will be dry and dusty.  I added TWO Tablespoons of Milk and was able to get the icing to stand tall and full of lightness and air.  The longer you mix it, the better it seems to get.