Wednesday, October 5, 2022

At A Healthy Weight How Much Should I Eat - I'm Doing The Nutritional Math

Apparently in the State of Florida, there are no requirements for someone to call themselves a Nutritionist. For today, I will be doing the math and calling myself one.  

Assumptions will be stated for all levels and for me, personally, at 186 pounds as of this morning.  If you don’t have a scale you can use first thing in the morning after your “bowel movements” this is a good excuse for you to go to the thrift store or charity shop and buy one.  Weight should be taken at the same time every day, with the same lack of clothes – nude.  Put the scale on tiles or similar hard surface.  That’s why they’re typically called a “Bathroom Scale”.

Since I am on my day off from cardio, I am looking at the numbers from a Canadian Study on Diet at this link:  https://runningmagazine.ca/health-nutrition/how-much-protein-do-runners-need/

It starts of with three numbers.

  • .36 grams protein per pound for non active adults.
  • .50 grams protein per pound for the low end of active adults
  • .90 grams protein per pound for the high end of active adults.


So?  What does this mean?

Of course since I am the only adult here and I go from being merely active to stupidly active, I’ll do the math on myself on all three levels.

Also the recommendations from the Cleveland Clinic as quoted are as follows:
https://www.gainful.com/blog/how-many-calories-in-a-gram-of-protein/

  • 20-30% of calories per day from Protein
  • 50-60% of calories per day from Carbohydrates
  • 20-30% of calories per day from Fat.


The numbers they give are:

  • 4 calories per gram of Protein
  • 4 calories per gram of Carbs,
  • 9 calories per gram of Fat.


This reduces everything to a Math Problem from Algebra One.

The numbers I will use are rounded because it makes it easier for folks who can’t Math:

  • 25% for Protein
  • 25% for Fat,
  • 50% for Carbs.  


Fat is for “long term energy” in a diet.
Carbs for “short burst energy”.
Protein is for building muscles to get you going, generally.

Non active:

  • 186 X .36 = 66.96g protein
  • 186 X .36 = 66.96g fat
  • 186 X .36 X 2 = 133.92g carbohydrate


This means that in a “non active Diet”, my calorie intake should be:

  • 66.96 X 4 = 267.84 calories protein
  • 66.96 X 9 = 602.73 calories fat
  • 133.92 X 4 = 535.68 calories carbohydrates


Total diet would be for me if I were sitting all day:

     267.84 + 602.73 + 535.68 = 1406.25

Luckily I am never quite that inactive.  On a slow day, I walk 3 1/3 miles.  With a herding dog like Rack, he needs that.

Taking this further, for a merely active person,  their factors say that it’s .5g protein per pound.  Consider this “my off day” or “my non-race day”

  • 186 X .5 = 93g protein
  • 186 X .5 = 93g fat
  • 186 X .5 X 2 = 186g carbs


This means on the day that I’m not doing my usual 2 hours of cardio per day (I do this four times a week), I should have a calorie intake of:

  • 93 X 4 = 372 calories protein
  • 93 X 9 = 837 calories fat
  • 186 X 4 = 744 calories carbs


Total Diet:

     372 + 837 + 744 = 1953 calories total

Finally on “Race Day” or a day where I am doing my 2 hours cardio per day on inline skates or on my bike plus the 3 1/3 miles walking the dog…

  • 186 X .9 = 167.4g Protein
  • 186 X .9 = 167.4g Fat
  • 186 X .9 X 2 = 334.8g Carbs


Which translates on Race Day to:

  • 167.4 X 4 = 669.6 calories protein
  • 167.4 X 9 = 1506.6 calories fat
  • 334.8 X 4 = 1339.2 calories carbs.


Total Diet:

     669.6 + 1506.6 + 1339.2 = 3515.4 calories total.

Obviously, there are things that I can learn from this.

  • Always adjust intake on “off days” since you just don’t need the extra piece of cake.
  • Your weight varies from mine, increase or decrease the number by the proportion:  173/186 = .93 so the off day would be 1816 calories for a 173 pound person.
  • To lose weight, reduce calorie intake or increase your exercise.  I argued against that for quite a while until I lost 40 pounds over the year of Covid Lockdown by embracing it.  However, I would not personally reduce my intake by more than 10 percent of needed at one time because I know I get sluggish.
  • Finally, the proportions of Protein/Fat/Carbs are rounded.  You can up the protein for Keto or for Weightlifting/Strength training and other anaerobic muscle building exercises.


After all, your body functions differently than mine.  When I stand with my heels and back flat against the wall I can see my toes.  If they disappear… that’s when to take action.

If you want a beach body today, you should have started a year ago, but you can have one for next summer.

It’s a wall of numbers, good luck, it’s meant to give you pause for thought.  And hey, you get what you pay for, I’m just a blog writer, not your coach!

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Vending machines kill more people than sharks. I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

I am sure that there is someone out there that has an exam soon.  So think of it this way, you could be the Dr and see all these... patients all day!



A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her line of work, she had to pay a premium to her staff, and with all the prep work before procedures, she needed to keep a lot of workers on hand. Still pondering what to do, she decided to ask her engineer friends, Jane and Michael, if they had any ideas.

The two heard her out, put their heads together, and confidently told her not to worry. A short time later, they presented her with a new prototype: a high-powered vacuum that could safely and hygienically remove any waste from a patient in under five seconds.

On her accountant’s next visit, the proctologist was relaxing in her office with a cheek-splitting grin. Jane and Michael were busy installing their revolutionary devices throughout the clinic. Her appointment book was full and turn-around on patients was lightning fast, even with fewer nurses.

“I think I’ve solved the staffing costs issue,” she crowed.

“After all,” she said, gesturing fondly to Jane and Michael, “with friends like these, who needs enemas?”

Saturday, October 1, 2022

“I stand corrected…” Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

I will say this guy is more like me than I care to admit. 


 
A married couple invites some friends over for dinner while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. 

During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?"

The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later'
The husband calls his wife again: "My love, how many beers are still in the fridge?" The response follows as usual.

At the third time, the husband again uses a very affectionate nickname to call his wife and his friends ask: "Hey dude, respect! After 20 years of marriage you still call your wife cute names, how you do it?"

The husband answers: "Actually I forgot what on earth her name is!"

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

Hurricane Prep Is All About Wishing It Hits Your Neighbor


 I moved into this house a year or two after Hurricane Wilma.

I heard the locals moan and whine about the after effects and how bad it was to be in a modern house without any electric for one to three weeks. 

Then I realized THEY were right and I was not.  I started preparing by bullet-proofing the house.  It took me about 10 years.  I now don't worry about weather.

First generator would power either the refrigerator, the Air Conditioning, or the "rest of the crap in the house".

Replaced the leaky Jalousie windows with Hurricane Glass.  It's "near bulletproof" literally.  Makes the place nice and quiet.

Insulated the roof.  Added sheetrock and insulation to the Florida Room that had zero insulation.

Stood back and noticed that we can hold 76F on a very hot day of 96F in full sun and not worry.  It used to be that the AC was on full blast all day.

Replaced the AC with high efficiency unit.

Got a Propane based generator.

Remodeled the kitchen with a Propane stove, computer controlled electric oven.

Point of use water heater using Propane and no electric except the striker.


Finally a new roof.

Sure the order is mixed up but we are prepared for anything up to a Category 4 Direct Hit.

I won't wish that on anyone.

Hurricane Irma the other year was an annoyance and a dry run.  Sure getting up every four hours to run the generator was a major bother, but it worked.

None of that will help when Hurricane Ian does a direct hit on the West Coast of Florida.  It is a Category 4 at the moment, 150 MPH winds.  The standards for "Miami Dade Hurricane Building Code" would have the roof peel off in that.

Well maybe but it is also why you don't want a house that is more than 1 floor or wood frame in South Florida.

So good luck to Tampa, Sarasota, and Port Charlotte.  It's going to be a mess.

Here... we are making Baked Ziti, the storm never got closer than 150 miles away and the winds knocked over my tree in a pot in the back yard.

I'll have to scoop out the pool this afternoon but I think we're fine.

Call your relatives on the west coast of Florida and make sure they're OK but Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and the Palm Beaches seem to me MOSTLY fine.

Sunday, September 25, 2022

What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sunday; the rest are weekdays.

It's Sunday.  I can commiserate with the guy in the story.  I just went for a 20 mile plus bike ride and am melting into a puddle in a big green comfy chair.  But I did not forget to hydrate and in about an hour I will be having what I have been told is the British Lunch Of Champions - Curried Chicken on Chips.  Fries to us Yanks.

 

 
My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forgetfulness so that I don't get told that you are forgetful anymore.

Today, when I woke up, I took a small book and a pen and wrote down everything that I think, don't forget, take it forward.

While my wife was in the bathroom, I put on my work clothes and happily took my notes and left for work feeling accomplished.

A few minutes later my wife called me and I said: "Don't interrupt my work, I haven't forgotten anything today."

She replied: "Come back today it's Sunday"

Saturday, September 24, 2022

What do you call hen that knows to count their eggs? A Mathemachicken!

This is leaning a bit towards "Boomer Humor" but it's a cute story so I'll live with it.

Humor has changed over the years from when suggesting spousal abuse was "funny" (Trip to the moon, ALICE!)  to now where it's difficult to know where to tread.

In this case, it's fun with kitchen appliances so who knows who I might offend.  The germ of any story/joke is the shock value of the punch line.




Jealous wife and the Food processor

A jealous wife, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr

Him: There you go.

Her: Ok. Talk to you later...

This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.

One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?

Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night. But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

Running VNC or Other Program at Startup on Linux Mint 21 or other Linux Using Systemd

Linux Mint Screenshot from their page
Note:  If you are just trying to get "your" program to run on boot as a service in Linux, skip to the instructions at the bottom.  I expect these steps to work on any systemd based machine, and I will continue refining this to work on my own Debian laptops.  For now, it works beautifully on Linux Mint which is derived from Debian via Ubuntu.

...

Between power pops and other instabilities here in South Florida’s own FPL, and their abysmal service, I managed to build a server.  We literally had one power outage and multiple "pops" over the last week and the weather has been gentle recently.

No, really, FPL is the Comcast of electrical services. You need a generator, Battery Backup, filters and so on.  I lost two desktops before learning this and luckily laptops are better suited to take Utility Company Mishaps.

I need the server.  I was given a list of hardware, specifically a desktop server from about 10 years ago.  Acer Aspire Easystore H340.

Immediately I got a cable that terminated on the motherboard and turned my widescreen analog VGA monitor into an older style 1080 by 768 Square by stretching pixels.

Removed all drives and installed a laptop boot drive.

Turned off the Bios for booting from anything but USB Sticks and first hard drive.

I installed Linux Mint 21 Xfce from the ISO.

Since this machine is an appliance, I installed it completely stock – taking the most “normal” choices under install.

When it is installed, turn off all screensavers – my machine would be a headless server.  The password protecting screensaver that "came up" when it timed out as a security measure would crash the machine when you were connected with VNC.  My own machine is in my house, behind a firewall, and only turned on when I need it.  If it had Wake On LAN enabled it would be perfect for the task.  Apparently the original software from the discontinued M$ Windows Home Server product had it so it's a matter of proving it can be used.

The hardest part of headless is getting VNC to work on startup.  I went through a long list of distributions and a long list of software “tricks” to try to get it to work when you sign on it.

The answer is this link - https://community.linuxmint.com/tutorial/view/2334

I will reproduce its text literally from before.  Reason is that forum documentation often will disappear.  I use this blog as a scratch pad so I want this to be here 10 years down the road.

Secondly at time of writing, I could not find a “cookbook” of how to add VNC protocol to the machine except for this one.  The hang up was getting VNC to start as a Service at boot.

Thanks to Linux Mint and their excellent documentation, it works.  Mind you it was written for version 18 and mine is version 21, hence my leaving it here for me to see in the future.  As of today, this original is a 5 year old posting derived from something older.  I want to make sure I have it because it should work with any systemd based linux machine.

As I go onward, I will add the next steps – configuring a /etc/fstab to mount a drive optionally at boot, and the samba configuration.

For now, here is Linux Mint’s documentation on how to make a service start at boot.  I am presenting it literally as of my date of publishing, and I recommend that you find it there. This is really just a note taped to the underside of my keyboard for all to share.




HOWTO: Setup VNC Server (x11vnc) on Linux Mint 18


This tutorial was adapted from here.

1. Remove the default Vino server: (Note, LM 21 did not have vino)

sudo apt-get -y remove vino

2. Install x11vnc:

sudo apt-get -y install x11vnc

3. Create the directory for the password file:

sudo mkdir /etc/x11vnc

4. Create the encrypted password file:

sudo x11vnc --storepasswd /etc/x11vnc/vncpwd

You will be asked to enter and verify the password.  Then press Y to save the password file.

5. Create the systemd service file for the x11vnc service:

sudo xed /lib/systemd/system/x11vnc.service

Copy/Paste this code into the empty file:

[Unit]
Description=Start x11vnc at startup.
After=multi-user.target

[Service]
Type=simple
ExecStart=/usr/bin/x11vnc -auth guess -forever -noxdamage -repeat -rfbauth /etc/x11vnc/vncpwd -rfbport 5900 -shared

[Install]
WantedBy=multi-user.target

6: Reload the services:

sudo systemctl daemon-reload

7. Enable the x11vnc service at boot time:

sudo systemctl enable x11vnc.service

8. Start the service:

Either reboot or

sudo systemctl start x11vnc.service

Sunday, September 18, 2022

When don't you disturb a broom? When it's sweeping.

Ok, this one is long, but it is really well told.  If you are just looking for a punch line or a giggle, skip to the end.

I will say my vote is on Civil Engineer.  I've seen too many systems built that were inherently flawed.  Those undersea mounts in the middle of the Atlantic near the Azores that threaten to flood the entire east coast of Los Estados Unidos if a well placed earthquake hits are a good example.

 

What kind of engineer is god?

At the bar the other week, I overheard an interesting conversation between three engineers discussing religion. Specifically, they were debating which type of engineer God was.

"I'm telling you," the first one said, "God is a mechanical engineer. It's obvious! Have you ever studied the human skeletal structure, the way our bones fit together, our padded joints, all working together in tandem with our muscles to provide optimized power delivery? 

We even have built in water cooling. Sure, there's wear and tear on the body as time goes on, but that's the nature of the field, and increasingly, our parts are replaceable, even the padding between our bones! I am telling you, God knew what they were doing when they built us - not only a mechanical engineer, but a mechanical engineer par excellence!"

This made the woman sitting across from her laugh very hard, but the man sitting to her left only cocked an eyebrow. "Are you serious?" he said. "'The mechanical engineering of the human body,' that's what impresses you? Knee replacements? 

Tell me, have you ever studied the complexity of the human eye, how signals are transported down the optical nerve to the frontal cortex, where they're processed, synthesized with the rest of our sensory data, and converted not only into an image, but a descriptive understanding of our surroundings? 

As if that weren't enough of a marvel, it's all part of a feedback system, where that information is used to make decisions, and feed the brain more information - a contained, self-sustaining electronic marvel. Your mechanical spine is nothing more than a support structure for the complex nervous system which governs everything you do. The brain is the true miracle of the human body, I'm telling you. God was an electrical engineer whose talent we can only aspire to."

The first engineer frowned at that, and for a moment was deep in thought, trying to come up with a retort. But the engineer across from her was laughing again, even harder at this story than the first one. "Just what is so funny?" she asked. "Whose side are you on here?"

The third engineer struggled to regain her composure, her laugh only trailing off slowly, with effort. Wiping a tear from her eye, she said, "I'm laughing because you two clearly haven't been in this job long enough yet, you have no perspective. 

'God's a mechanical engineer par excellence!' 'Oh, we can only aspire to be electrical engineers as great as God!'" She started laughing again, but regained control over herself. 

"You want to know what kind of engineer God is? Don't look at the propaganda, the 'miracles' of the human body, the pamphlets and blue prints they show the investors to get approval. Look at the as-built documents, the messy, ugly reality of what it all really amounts to in the end. That's how I know God is a civil engineer - who else would put the sewer drainage point in a recreational area?"

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Why did the dog cross the road? Because someone left the door open.

 Actually, none of my dogs were "bolters".  Not the kind that would run off out of the house unless they knew that it was time for a WALK! and we were going somewhere.

If yours is, the problem is in the mirror.

For that matter, come to think of it, neither is my parrot.  I have had the cage outside and he just calls to me through the window.  Silly bird, you know how to open that door!  This is the same bird that would sit inside and call to people with a wolf whistle and confuse them.

They do that sort of thing from time to time.




So this woman got a new job a short walk from her house.
On her way to work her first day she walks in front of a pet store with a parrot in a cage out front.
As she walks by the parrot they look at each other and the parrot says "damn girl you are uuuuglyyy".
She is seriously offended and thinks about this all day at work.

She thought on her way home if the parrot says anything to her again she will go inside and tell the owner about his rude parrot.
So sure enough on her walk home as soon as the parrot sees her he says "damn girl you sure are ugly".
She gets pissed off and goes inside to tell the owner.

The owner is very apologetic and assures her it will not happen again.
She is satisfied and goes on home.

Then next day on her way to work she notices the parrot outside again and walks slowly by him, they both lock eyes and the parrot looks at her and says "you know".

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

How Do Dogs Learn This Stuff Or A Self Taught Dog Genius Has Learned Me

Picture it.
South Florida. 5 AM. Almost every morning.

I have a routine.  I just don’t know how I’ve been manipulated this way.  I will say that as far as “bad habits” go, this is a pleasant one.

You see, I have a pattern of things and in order to get my things done, I have to do his things.

His is Rack.  My McNab SuperDog(TM).  Oh I’m fine with it but he’s learned these behaviors so well that I didn’t realize how much he twisted me around his little white paws until I went on a drive.

I don’t drive often, it’s probably for the best.  When I do, it’s rarely very far.  Out to the park frequently so I’m the little old dude from Pasadena.  In the Jeep Wrangler.  

This particular day I had to go far.  “OTP” it used to be called.  Over The Turnpike.  It’s slang here for West Side Of The County.  West of 95.  Not somewhere I usually go.

My inline skates need a new liner and I thought I would go look in a shop for a new pair.  They didn’t have what I am looking for and since I am a VERY high end inline skater, I have to think twice about what I do.

This trip OTP gave me an excuse to think about things.  In this case about what I have to do to do my workouts.

I open my eyes at 5AM.  Pull the earplugs out of my ears and in the gloom I notice that I am being wagged at.  Even in the dark I know I have to pet Mr Dog.  He always is on the little mat that I keep by the bed, rolled on his back, wagging his tail, he is expecting tummy rubs.  Always gets 100 rubs plus about 10 or 20 pets on the head.  

I’m a soft touch.  But he knows if he has to use the back yard tree, to say something.  A wee little whine is enough.  Not today, I can go about my own paces and come back into the bedroom.

Now, being an athlete that works out every day of the year, I watch my weight.  Down to the fraction of a pound on the digital scale.  Rack has figured that out and expects that he will be weighed too.  I was putting on my cargo shorts and looked down and he was sitting on my toes, staring up, with one of his feet on the scale.  As if to say My Turn.

He is underweight and I need to watch that closely.  I’m fine, according to Scale and Trainer.  

He’s teaching himself to get on the scale so he stands up and puts weight on the one foot.  Scale turns on and I lift his remaining feet.  “38.4 Pounds, we have to watch that!”.

Next he walks to the kitchen and stands by the sink.  I get the food out and over-feed him to help him make weight.  It’s a long haul but someone has to do it.

When the food comes out of the microwave, he walks over to the mat where I put the food down and waits.  

He knows the routine.  Since this is a Bike day, I prep my coffee while he eats, get the light, pepper spray, leatherman’s tool, and 3 “dog bags” for the walk.

He finishes, walks to the door and looks back.

Next thing he’s figured out “Time to get dressed!”.  Collar is easy.  He then stands up to put his head in the harness.  Without asking he puts on the harness.  Foot flies through the air into the chest strap.  Tail wags, looks back.  I snap the harness closed and we step on the porch.

The thing is that all these behaviors were self taught.  When I tell people that My Dog Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student, I mean it.

I go for a drive, could not find any of the parts I was looking for and come home.  While we go through the food thing again, he gets three meals just like I do, he hears something he doesn’t like.  “Go Look!.” as he walks to the front door and surveys the damage.  Why bark when you can just look?


I had a siesta today and there were workers across the street on the property there.  Instead of him losing his cool and freaking out, he let me know by putting a paw on my chair.

Who does this?  Who taught him this stuff?  I am frankly amazed at this.  

If we could get him to stop barking at delivery trucks I’d be happy!

He’s not perfect but he’s learned me.  I guess that’s the most you can hope for.

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Handling a Karen is like handling a crocodile. They're only dangerous if you let them open their mouths.

See, I knew plenty of good women named Karen.  Settled, Kind, Solid, help you out in a pinch.

But hey, I'm not doing serious stuff here on a weekend am I?

No, I'm doing Yo Mama Jokes... the return!




Yo Mama is so fast that she was arrested for speeding on the Autobahn
Yo Mama is so nasty that she bit a dog and gave it rabies.
Yo Mama is so old that her biography starts with “In the Beginning”.
Yo Mama is so old that when she hears people talking about the dinsoaur extinction she said, "I remember that.".
Yo Mama is so poor that she married young just to get the rice.
Yo mama is so poor that she could only go to the dollar store when it's having a half-off sale.
Yo Mama is so sick that they named a COVID variant after her.
Yo mama is so slow that it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Yo Mama is so stupid that when she heard the weather man say it would be chilly out today. So she went outside with a bowl and spoon!
Yo Mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed
Yo Mama is so stupid if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to blow her nose.
Yo Mama is so stupid that she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
Yo Mama is so stupid that it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo Mama is so stupid she was scared to drive after drinking water.
Yo Mama is so Ugly that she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application



Wednesday, September 7, 2022

A Pre-Dawn Dog Directed Walk With Rack

Two hours before sunrise, I grab my phone and pull the covers over my head.

I haven't even pulled my earplugs out of my ears, I don't want to wake anyone in the house.  A Parrot greeting the dawn is just a bit too much some days!

I'm sure I have already woken up Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM).  I hear his ears flap in the breeze.  I guess he's stretching and waiting.

Checking the weather, there's nothing for "a couple hours" of distance nearby so I can do whatever I like in this predawn morning.

It's time to get out of bed oh-five-too-early AM.  Stupid o'clock.


Feet on the floor, my faithful sidekick is wagging his tail against the blanket and the bed frame. 

"Of course I will pay attention to you!".  I whisper to Rack.

He rolls over onto his back and wants belly rubs.  I swear he's made of a collection of loosely assembled parts. 

In the gloom, I give him a couple minutes of belly rubs and then get prepared to go and greet the day.   Rack gets his fresh water and food and finishes it while I am brushing my teeth.  Those few seconds under the covers checking radar told me I needed at least that.

We get ourselves together and I say "Start Strava" after having strapped myself into the heart rate monitor I use to gauge my workouts and we walk out the door.

Brilliant starshine, or at least what passes for it here in the big sprawl of Suburban Fort Lauderdale Area.  I see the streak of light glowing grey-blue in the south western sky from the Hard Rock Casino, down in Hollywood.

Stepping toward the hedges, Rack trots over to them and waters them as I look up at Orion and it's belt.  Everywhere I have lived, I have noted where that constellation is.  Three stars in a line and the twin trapezoids forming a familiar sight.  When I had a house in Philadelphia, it showed itself as soon as I stepped off the porch.  Here, it's behind the house and up over the ocean.  At least in late summer.

Rack has a very strong opinion of where he wants to go, whether I am awake enough to appreciate it.  At this point he pulls me across the deserted street to the house, and insists we go in.  

I unlock the door and we're in.  Removing his leash and set it on the floor.  He trots to the back door and looks back.  "Ok, I'm coming" as I lock the front of the house.  

I didn't feel like being social with the neighbor and her overly friendly love sponge of a pitbull at this time of the morning.  All muscle, that sweet dog would knock me over trying to express love!  The yipping of too overly social dogs will wake the dead!

Rack and I go out to the back yard and I inspect things.   We've been away for most of the summer while work happens on the house.  My prized plants are overgrowing, pots have been knocked over in a stray overnight storm.  I think that I will have to go back during the daylight hours and really look into what is going on.

He's back in the utility easement again "watering things".  That will keep the wildlife out of the yard at any rate, they don't seem to like the scent of a dog all over the plantings. 

We gather ourselves together, go back into the house.  He's already at the front door, he looks back at me.  Crunching construction debris I make my own way.  Attaching his leash, we step out.  


Once I get to the bottom of the property, I get more insistent walking instructions.  He starts dragging me down the block.  Our pitbull friend is gone and the morning is beginning to shine.  Orion is beginning to fade.

As we get back to the house, he spots a neighbor who is asking "Where's the running shoes?"  Rack is trying to greet him across the street.   "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!" I respond.  My chest strap flashes a green LED at him.  I look like a demented dog walking robot.  

I may as well be since the coffee has yet to be brewed.

Amusing.  Pivot to another sport for a bit and the neighborhood notices.  At my size, I would tend to fill up the sidewalks anyway, and add the dog and it's full.  "Is that why you don't run with Rack?"

Yes, the world is not ready for a football player sized man and an overeager herding dog running down a narrow sidewalk!

Well once the sun comes up, it gets hot fast.  Florida.  It's just past Labor Day, there is a change in the air.  Temps at Sunrise are below 80F so High Summer has ended.  Just wait for the water to cool for Hurricane Season to end.

We all hope for that.  Dodging storms here unfortunately means wishing weather on someone else!  Stay Dry!

Sunday, September 4, 2022

I’m not superstitious, I’m only a little stitous.

I'm not sure that putting animals in cages so humans can gawk at them is a completely good idea, but on the other hand, they are educating children and some adults.  That and I have heard of breeding programs that have aided in reestablishing some depleted populations. 

*shrug*  Since I am willing to say that a Zoo is somewhat better than neutral if done right.  Its a bit above my pay grade and I just got back from a workout so on to the story.



 
A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a result, many people entered the zoo and it was filled with people. More than 4000 people came in.

He then quietly locked the zoo gate, freed the crocodiles, lions and tigers and then made an exit fee of $100.

Everyone paid immediately just to get out!




Since that one was a bit on the short side, here's another one that's a bit on the short side!



A man walks into a museum

He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide “How old is that skeleton?”

The tour guide says “65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

“Wow” says the man, “How do you get such a specific measurement?”

The tour guide replies “Well it was 65 million years old when I started working here. I’ve been here for 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

Saturday, September 3, 2022

On the internet you can be whoever you want, it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid just like me today...

Ok, so no matter how bad these Yo Mama jokes are, the internet really does think that Yo Mama is fat.  

 

Yo Mama is so fat that her Google Maps marker crashes the phone.
Yo Mama is so fat that she doesn't need a dowsing rod to find water.
Yo Mama is so fat that she put a compass factory out of business.
Yo Mama is so fat that safety laws require her to put a manhole cover over her bellybutton.
Yo Mama is so fat that airlines pay her not to fly.
Yo Mama is so fat that NASA tracks her to include her mass in launch formulas.
Yo Mama is so fat that Dominos doesn't need a car to deliver to her.
Yo Mama is so fat that bears put out a sign to not feed her.
Yo Mama is so fat that she gets cats out of trees by leaning on her side.
Yo Mama is so fat that she's on the eclipse schedules.
Yo Mama is so fat that UFO's report her.
Yo Mama is so fat that she scored for both sport teams at the same time.
Yo Mama is so fat that Chris Christie hangs out with her to look thin in comparison.
Yo Mama is so fat when she farts the city goes on a boil water advisory.
Yo Mama is so fat that her nude pics are too big to download
Yo Mama is so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

The Story Of The 100 Mile An Hour Hurricane Tape

Tape fit for a Hurricane, or 100 Miles an Hour or so.

Ok, if you must, how about 162kph?

What...Ever!  How fast is that measured in Bananas?  Giraffes?  Tardigrades?

Anyway...

Once upon a time I worked at a university.  Mind you working at a Uni can be great but in this case I had a boss who would tell stories about gambling at the casinos in Atlantic City and dreamed about taking a trip to Las Vegas.

At that point he'd go off on an hour long tangent and I'd fall asleep in the chair.

Not that he lasted there as my boss all that long, they shuffled him off to the side and installed a crony, a friend, who was just as inept at management as my old boss was.

At least my old boss was a nice guy, this one... wow!  Listen out there in Blog-Land if you ever end up with a person trying to manage you who was a coach in a martial arts dojo, do your career a favor and quit.  I did, and frankly I know of others in that same department who did and are happier that they put that incompetent behind them.

But about a year before I left there, I took all my banked vacation time and had a long vacation.  With holidays, weekends, and so forth I was away for a month at the quiet time of year. 

Felt great, less filling.

So less filling that as I traveled South I got hungry in Northern Virginia.  There's a barbecue joint there on US1 just off the interstate.  The food was OK, and they have another joint about two miles North of me...

Ok, 3KM.  Damn! Metric People! chill!

And we pulled into the parking lot.  Had a meal in the converted fast food place.  The parking lot was chock full of locals who worked in the area out of their trucks.  Plumbers and Electricians if I misremember right.

As I am getting ready to mount my Jeep and head on South for my month away from incompetent managers in IT in a largish university in North Philadelphia (narrows things down huh?), someone started backing up out of a parking space.

He hit the gas and rumbled on around the back. 

As he moved, his truck dropped a roll of tape.  I looked at it and it was very "military" looking.  Being Northern Virginia, well there's a lot of current and former military people there and while a bit conservative for my tastes, they'll help you out in a fix.

That tape... It turned out to be legendary.  Had a "MilSpec" rating on its inside, and was low gloss Olive Drab.  I don't know if the guy got it from a PX but I was happy to find it.  Tossed it behind my seat in the Jeep and continued on my way.

After researching the roll it turned out to be truly Military Issue, so I put the stuff to use.

This was in winter of 2005.  I still own items made and repaired out of that tape.  I only tossed it in the trash this year when I got very close to the end of the roll and finally it began to "de-laminate".

Why is it so good?  Not because it has Uncle Sam's signature of approval, but more because it wasn't some of the usual garbage imported and manufactured to a low WalStarMart or other BigBox Store standard.

This stuff was nicknamed 100 MPH tape or Hurricane Tape.  The story told to me was that it is actually used to patch helicopter blades in an emergency and is so strong that it holds things together in flight. 

Yeah Hurricane Wind Speeds.  I'm in Florida, that is important.

I am also an endurance athlete.  Even at my *ahem* Middle Age, for me to mount my inline skates and roll for a marathon workout at 27 miles roughly (40Km sheesh) in a couple-of-hours is a normal thing.   

I did five marathons in January 2022, alone.

So all this distance means that there's abrasion of sock against liner of the boot.  As I was told once upon a water stop by a team mate on the Philadelphia inline skating team, "We just put duct tape in our boots and get another year out of it". 

Another year with their tape, but another five or more with mine.  This 100MPH tape would go for years with my heel and achilles tendon rubbing against it and sliding against the 12 or 13 micron thick olive drab vinyl.

Don't have it?  Well what are ya waitin' for?

Can't get it in Your Country?  I know Amazon has it because that's where I got it this time.  I know that I will be lining my hotspots in my boot liner to get another 2000-3000 miles out of them.

A 25 dollar roll of tape vs a 75 dollar liner for my boots ... twice?  yeah I'll go with the tape.  It's low rent but my sponsorship dried up when the sport did.

But here I am in the South Florida Sun, greased up with sun block, sweaty as they come, but happily squeaking along in my sk8boots chalking up the miles.

Only 1500 miles left to once around the world!

On Yer Left!

Sunday, August 28, 2022

Why did the bike fall?? Because it was two tired

Sitting on the counter is my crockpot.  It's got four pounds of chicken breast meat cut into cubes no longer than your thumb that went into the pickle juice from the fridge pickles I made last week from this recipe.  I guess I made chicken ceviche, but I'll let you know how it is when cooked.   Actually that pickle brine was good enough that even Tofu tossed in the stuff would be tasty.

Still it's not my favorite animal...




Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now..

Saturday, August 27, 2022

I know it's rude to pick my nose in public but I lost mine and I need a new one.

 Here I sit at sunrise on Saturday morning.  Fully caffeinated so watch out world.  I am considering what to do with the weekend and think we need to hit the market and it means I have to do meal planning.

I know that I want to make some Crumpets from this recipe and that simplifies things since we won't have to go to a specialty market.  I mean come on, this is South Florida, not the middle of the desert.  There are plenty of Brits and UK Subjects running around that Crumpets should not be as expensive and rare as they are for those little pancake looking things but ...

That does not settle my need for Protein since my training diet is hitting hard and each day's workout burn is over 2000 calories a day.  Maybe this story has a bit of help for us?  Hmm what to make?  French Toast?

Thankfully I am not in Texas!




A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the Texan ordered 2 Lone Stars and a bowl of calf fries. The Frenchman looks at the calf fries and asks what they are.

"Them's calf balls!" announces the Texan.

Well, you know how the French are - they eat frogs legs after all - he dove right in and found them delicious, though he wasn't sure about the Lone Star. Soon enough, they've finished the bowl and the Texan orders some lamb fries. And some more beers. Well, the Frenchman has to ask what he's about to eat.

"Them's lamb nuts!" bellows the Texan.

Of course, we all know that the French will eat anything (escargot, anyone?), so he dives right in. Not wanting his friend to go hungry, the Texan orders their meal.

"Ah'd like 2 cheeseburgers with French fries," he tells the waitress.

His friend faints.

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Fridge Pickles, Revisiting A Really Nice And Easy Recipe For Bread And Butter Pickles

Last time I went shopping, I thought I needed Pickles.  I didn't but I did get the ingredients for making Fridge Bread And Butter Pickles.

Because I had a recipe that was wrong, I had left out the sugar, and I had all sorts of weird veg in my fridge - it's more like a giardiniera pickle because traditional pickles don't have Peppers, Carrots, and Onions.

They turned out great and my fridge is still crowded since I just started eating these beasts.  I had some in a bowl by themselves after my lunch curried chicken and this recipe definitely worth the small effort.

Ingredients:

    2 Pounds (1 Kilo) of Cucumbers, sliced and cleaned
    1 Pound (one medium where I shop) Whole Sweet Onion  (White, Vidalia, or similar)

    Other Veg like Carrots, Bell Peppers, and So Forth may be added if you like
    2 Cups White Distilled Vinegar (5% acidity)  (I used Apple Cider this time)
    2 Cups Sugar
    2 Tablespoons of Non Iodized Salt (Don't really know why not iodized, it worked for me)
    2 Teaspoons Pickling Spice
    2 Teaspoons Whole Mustard Seed
    1 Teaspoon Ground Turmeric (for color)
    1 Teaspoon Celery Seed
    1/2 Teaspoon Ground Cloves


Process:

    Clean and cut your Cucumbers and Onions into at least 1/8 inch thick slices.
    Fill sterilized jars with Cucumber and Onion pieces allowing 1/2 inch of room at the top.
    To a 3 quart/liter sauce pan, add Vinegar and all of the spices.
    Bring the mixture to boil and reduce heat to Simmer and stir constantly.
    Cook the mixture for 5 Minutes minimum until all the sugar has dissolved
    Ladle the mixture into the jars to cover the Cucumbers and onions.
    Seal jars and allow to cool before placing in refrigerator.
    Shake the jars daily.
    Allow the jars to "steep" in the mixture a minimum of 3 days before enjoying.
    Shake the pickles every third day.
    Enjoy your pickles within 2 months and store in refrigerator.

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Where Did The General Keep His Armies? In his sleevies.

 I have a habit of repairing things.  People have a habit of getting frustrated with things and just tossing them or telling me "Hey Bill, maybe you can fix this?".

I will say that my experience with these kind of glasses are not very good.  Down here, you require Polarized Sunglasses with UV400 protection.

X-Ray Specs are a very different matter!




Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off for a moment and everyone has their clothes on again.

He goes home at night and wears them only to find his wife in bed with some guy, both naked.

He takes off the glasses and they both are still naked !!!

Joe immediately calls Jeff and says.. “Should have listened to you... they didn't even last a day!”

Saturday, August 20, 2022

I’m reading a horror novel about birds in braille. It’s giving me goose bumps!

Since I don't have anything about geese, how about this old bird?  :)




A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."


"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Homemade Ant Bait - the Return

How do you putter when you are home waiting on the Plumber?

In my case, I made Ant Bait.  I also made a lot of other things including packing boxes for shipping to family up North, but the Ant Bait was necessary.

You see all the sudden the Summer Rains started up.  Due to La Niña here it has been dry.  I suspect due to the winds off the Sahara, South Florida has been lucky and not seen any hurricanes, yet.

Shhh, you'll jinx it!

But we did get showers and that did bring out the ants and they did need to be tamed.  Or at least beaten back.

This is a derivation of a recipe I make all the time, I just can't find my Jar so i will be making more in a similar jar.  I get out the Industrial Strength Felt Tip Pen and write the recipe on a scrap of paper that gets taped to the lid.

It's simple.
It works.

To make this add the ingredients into a jar, warm in blasts in the Microwave and stir until everything is dissolved into the water.

That's it.  Took me one blast of 30 seconds and another 30 seconds of stirring.

Did I say it's simple and it works?  Just pour this semi-toxic goo into an old lid and leave it out where the ants can get it.  They'll dine and they will go back into their colonies and that will be about it for them.

Ingredients:

  • 2 ounces Water
  • 4 ounces Sugar
  • 1 1/2 Teaspoons Borax.


Process:

  • Add all ingredients to a jar.
  • Warm in microwave and stir until completely mixed.


Use:

Fill a bottle cap or lid of a jar with this mixture and place where Ants can get to it.

Enjoy the show as Ants have their last meal.

Warning:  Don't eat this.  While it's not exactly deadly, it is poisonous to ants and I would expect it would sicken you.

You have been warned.

Sunday, August 14, 2022

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better.

Hmm, baked beans... Just cook them really well.  Hope for the best and enjoy!



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”

There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!

Saturday, August 13, 2022

I have a wet wipe in my wallet instead of a condom. The chance of a chicken and fries is definitely higher.

I feel sorry for mom here but it definitely fits with the topic.  Hmm, a wee bit edgy but you do get what you pay for!



A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly.....

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"



Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Rainbow Over Wilton Manors, Rain Delay for the Workout


I watch for blobs on the radar.  One green blob in the wrong place and I have to wait about 6 to 8 weeks for a set of bearings. 

I have been caught out on skates in the rain before and it's not pretty.  It causes me to have to slow down to a walking pace and hope that the water won't get into them.  If it does, they will rust out and I'll have to look in the "Skate Shop" and see what I have in storage for the next workout.

I have been lucky for the last year or so.  The bearings I have are pretty hard to come by.  The balls in them are ceramic, like your coffee mug.  The races are steel like most others.  If I can find a full ceramic set, I'll buy them if they're at a good price, but since I am not sponsored any longer, I'll make due.  Besides, I get an upwards of a 4 minute "spin test" out of them when I lube them up and install them on the wheels.

This was not a good morning to get to the park.  I have to get out as early as possible.  Dawn is not really early enough.  The heat at daybreak in the Fort Lauderdale area is mid 80s, 29C, and while I am extremely aerobically fit, having to slog through weather that can be described as inside of someone else's shower is painful.

So I waited at the front door, growling.

I figured that I would wait for the rainbow that signaled that the storm was over would clear out and see the patterns on the radar.  Meanwhile, time to finish carboloading, breakfast to the normies.

And there he was.  Twin laser beams coming from his eyes.  I've created a monster.  Rack, my McNab Superdog(TM) was staring me down for what I had just pulled from the refrigerator. 

"No Boy, Not For Dogs!" I said.

No effect.

"I Said NO BOY, NOT FOR DOGS!".  He realized I was serious.  Since I am the DIY type, and know how to make Mango Jelly and Can the stuff for preservation, I have been having a lot of Mango Yogurt with breakfast.  A bit strange since I'm making the stuff from powdered milk and using Great Grandma's hand cranked mixer to blend things.  I DO have an electric whisk, but I prefer not to use it.  It's too vigourous.

I'm thinking all of this when out of the corner of my eye "NOT FOR DOGS!" comes out of my mouth.  He's getting really annoying with the begging.  I do give him yogurt, but I prefer not to be pushed to do so.  It's good for his digestive tract just like yours or mine.

I go on making my coffee, and put together another container of yogurt on to brew.  It's the perfect time to make yogurt since the water is already hot.

100g (3.5 oz) Non Fat Dry Milk (Powder)
22 oz of boiling water at around 90 plus C (about 200F plus).

Whisk together and allow to come down to 40C/104F
Add a couple tablespoons of the old yogurt as a culture.
Stir together vigorously,
cover and wait until tomorrow. 
If not "gelled" then give it another day.

More begging.  "Rack get out of here!"  Damn kid!

In the meantime, I notice roads are drying, I would finish getting myself prepared to go for a workout.  The yogurt takes one to two days to gel anyway.

There is a lot that has to go to the park. 

Skates, pads, ice water, body camera, backup batteries, snack for when I am done.

It finally gets dry enough, I'm going to get out of here today.  Tape up the hot spots, finish loading up the Jeep and time to go to the park.

See you later! 
On Yer Left!




Sunday, August 7, 2022

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

It's Sunday and I'm feeling relaxed.  Just did a long 90 minute bike ride looking at the clouds coming on shore from the tropical ocean and went down through a trail that dead ended at the water on three sides. 

Hey mountain bikes gotta mount I guess!

Since I didn't see any ugly alligators, and I have been told they do sneak in from time to time, I'll talk about ugly people.



A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The first person in line, an overweight woman with bad skin, steps up to the gate. When God asks her what her wish is, she says, "My whole life I always felt bad about the way I look. I wish to finally be beautiful." God nods and instantly she starts losing weight and her skin clears up until she looks like some kind of glamorous model. Ecstatic, she runs through the gates.

Next in line is a middle-aged balding man with bad posture. He says, "I always felt like less of a man than other guys. I want to be beautiful too." His back straightens out, his hair returns, and even his jawline becomes stronger, turning the man into a silver fox. Looking suave as can be, he happily strolls through the gates.

After these first two, everybody wants to be beautiful. One by one, a bus full of thirty people, driver included, make the same wish. Muscles expand, lips become fuller, crooked features straighten out, the whole shebang. The 29th person passes through the gate and the last guy in line is laughing hysterically.

"Why are you laughing?" God asks.

"Because I know what my wish is" the man replies.

"Ah, of course" God says. "You are so elated to become beautiful as well that you're laughing out of sheer joy."

"No, that's not it."

"Oh? Then what is your wish?"

"Make 'em all ugly again."

Saturday, August 6, 2022

It's not your dryer that's shrinking your clothes, It's your refrigerator.

It is time to engage your inner schoolchild.

Yes, one of the most infantile kinds of humor I could possibly find.

And, Yes, while I laughed at these and called them "dumb", I'm sure some of you will laugh at them just as I did.

 

Yo Mama is so fat that when she wears her Malcolm X jacket, helicopters land on her.
Yo Mama is so fat that the elephant thought it lost weight,
Yo Mama is so fat that when she goes up the escalator with a yellow shirt everyone think that the sun is rising.
Yo Mama is so fat that Her belt size is "equator".
Yo Mama is so fat that She stepped on plexiglass and made glitter.
Yo Mama is so fat that Her blood type is Ragu.
Yo Mama is so fat that the apples fall to her.
Yo Mama is so fat that Her high-school picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo Mama is so fat that She got fired from the m&m’s factory for eating all the w’s.
Yo Mama is so fat that She turned a sweat lodge into a rendering plant.
Yo Mama is so fat that she took one step and fell into the center of the earth.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she moves it bends time and space.
Yo Mama is so fat that she sleeps on both side of the bed.
Yo Mama is so fat that she’s in the remake of Two and a Half Men all by herself.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she skips a meal the stock market drops.
Yo Mama is so fat that even the sumo wrestlers refused to let her participate on sports day.
Yo Mama is so fat that it takes her two lights to get through the intersection even if nobody is around.
Yo Mama is so fat that she's on the ballot under 4 different parties.
Yo Mama is so fat that the gerrymanderers walked off the job.
Yo Mama is so fat that the ship Queen Mary buys tickets to her.

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Recipe For Instant Yellow Cake Mix And A Crock Pot Cherry Dump Cake To Use It With

It would only be fair for me to give you a way to use this stuff, and that is at the end.

There are lots of instant cake mixes on the market, but what if you have the ingredients to toss one of these together and don't feel like going to the market.

It's fine if it is in walking distance, but starting the car and all that carbon is not really a good way to go.  I'd say in that case if you must have the boxed mix, wait until your next trip to the market.

In this case, the proof is in the ingredients and adding them in the correct order.

The cake that I made from this recipe was made by adding the ingredients in an strange order.  It was the third thing I made in the kitchen having started the day with home made yogurt from powdered milk, and Barbecue Pork Tenderloin that I enjoyed for lunch.


For the Mix, you add the dry ingredients first.  Then when you are ready to bake, grease your pans and add the wet ingredients.

For the Cherry Dump Cake you will need to jump lower in the recipe.


Dry Ingredients:

2 1/2 Cups All-Purpose Flour
2 1/4 Cups Sugar (I used white/table/granulated sugar)
1/3 Cups of Instant nonfat dry milk powder
2 Teaspoons Baking POWDER
1 Teaspoon Fine Salt (I used common table salt)

Wet Ingredients for when you are ready to bake:

3/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
3 Large Eggs at Room Temperature
1 Tablespoon Pure Vanilla Extract

Process:
Grease your baking pans with Cooking Spray or Oil
Mix the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.
Add the 3 large eggs and the Tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
Add any other ingredients you would to a box of yellow cake mix
Bake at 350F/Medium oven until Toothpick comes out clean


Cherry Dump Cake:

Add a can of cherry pie filling to greased crock pot
Add your boxed cake mix recipe at the end of the process above to a mixing bowl.
Add 1/2 cup of melted butter (2 sticks) to the boxed cake mix and stir until even.
Add the cake mix to the top of the cherry pie in the crock pot.
Cook on low for 4 hours or high for 2 hours in crock pot.
My picture above was 4 hours on High.  Who knew?

Saturday, July 30, 2022

Rest in peace boiling water you will soon be mist

Gees, everyone has an angle these days!

 

Priorities

A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy.

As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down.
He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ok.

The guy lets out a sigh and tells him. "See when I first started, I was single so I could afford to give you $20. Later on I met someone and we started dating so I could only afford to give you $10. Things got more serious and we ended up getting married so I could then only afford to provide you with $5. More time passed by and we were blessed with a child so I could only spare $1."
 

After hearing this the homeless guy got up and looked at the man with indignation and yelled: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE BEEN RAISING YOU'RE FAMILY WITH MY MONEY!???



Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Pushups With The Lizard

 

Someone doesn't want me outside today.

It's one of those days.  I was awake in time, but the conditions were wrong.  Since it is the Wet Season here in "Sunny" Florida, I can't complain...

Or can I?

We are coming up to peak wet season and due to La Niña it's been dry.  Or is it Él Niño?  ¡No puedo decir!

I've been active, according to most people's definitions.  I'm in extremely active person, and "it keeps me honest" is a good description of all of that. 

I walk more than four miles a day.  Skate two half-marathons per week.  Bike more than two hours a week.  If I don't maintain a PAI score of 300 I get a bit bored.  All in this heat.

All this is to say "On Yer Left".  "Lead, Follow, Or Get Out Of The Way."

Rhetoric aside, if I am kept indoors, I start looking for things to do.  It may not be the most pressing "thing" but I'll churn through those tasks.

Tasks like looking at the pictures I take with my feet up on the coffee table.

I had taken this picture simply because I was entertained by this little invasive Curly Tail lizard.  It watched me.  After each half hour in summer workouts, I push water.  My distance in sports, whether eight wheels or two, are limited by how much water I can carry.  I tend to stop at the same place in each workout.

Although on Skates, I use the front bumper of the Jeep to take a water stop.

In this case, I stop in a small parking lot in front of a small bar.  There's a tree there with a truck tire stack.  Old tires are used to stop people who may be turning around from knocking over the bar's sign and it seems to be working since the sign has been in place since I was a snowbird.

But like anywhere, if you have a place for a creature to hide, it's going to use it.  In the case of the tires, these Curly Tails have taken it over.

And since there's a tree in the parking lot, I have taken the spot over.  Only for a minute or four since I don't want to let my heart rate drop quite so far.

I was reminded of all of this because it's been a wet day here.  Every time I think that the rain has stopped, another leopard spot slinks over head and dumps buckets of water over everything.  I laugh, shrug, and consider what else can I do with the time.

Already made some corn muffins, I'm about to go into the kitchen and make some Coffee Brittle from a recipe I have kept on the blog over the last 14 years or so.

May as well do some cooking since there's another gully washer approaching.

But tomorrow is another day, and I'll be up at 5 AM to try to shoe horn in another workout.  You see, since it is Florida, doing an endurance workout really needs to happen before Noon.  And since the hottest week of the year is happening in the second week of August, you just have to keep plodding along.

Bring a pint of water for each half hour.  The Wildlife may not get any but you will appreciate the water stop.

Sunday, July 24, 2022

What do mice worship? Holey cheese.

 

Dying request

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys.
Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated… 

"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words out, "Please, assure me that the youngest child is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I'll forgive you if…"

His wife calmly interrupted, "Yes, my dearest. I swear on my mother's grave, without question, YOU are his father…"
Moments later, Rudy died peacefully…

Still by his side, Rudy's grieving widow muttered under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two…"


Reminds me of the story that someone put in social media.  Seems that it happened on Coach in an airplane.  A Man got on with six kids.  He took the aisle seat.  

As he relaxed with a bedraggled look on his face on the buckboard that passes for a seat, he was asked by a lady across the aisle incredulously "Are All Those Kids Yours?"

Without skipping a heartbeat he said: "No, I work for a Condom Company.  These are all Customer Complaints."

Saturday, July 23, 2022

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows!

 I am fortunate enough that it has been a few years since I have been to a funeral.

That having been said... I can totally see myself doing this if I had the chance.





When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'

Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.

It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. . . . . . . . . . . .
The dead bastard had a twin

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

Zinnia In The Garden, Butterflies All Day

I think I have “embraced” never having Milkweed in the garden.  At least, never seeing the flowers.

The chair I sit in looks out the front window.  In fact I refuse to use my perfectly acceptable desk in the back of the house because I find sitting out front to be much more entertaining.  

I do know that I can propagate that same Milkweed if I really did want to.  It is very leggy right now, having grown between the Croton and Screw Palm out there and having been cropped back by successive squadrons of Monarch that float on the breezes.  Those squadrons are why the plants are where they are.  I had hoped I would be able to get some more leaves on the things before they were discovered but Milkweed is not exactly a beautiful plant.

So one day I was Online Shopping.  I needed an item to get the price over the free shipping barrier and I refuse to pay for shipping if I can actually get something that I want for the expense.  I flashed on my own childhood habit of growing flowers in the front garden.  Sunflowers were the first though but I have had bad luck with them here in South Florida.  Oh sure, I could grow dinner plate sized blooms in the back yard in Pennsylvania, but down here they’re the size of a Daisy.   I will try again when the weather is cooler, I think it could easily be something like the heat forcing them to rush to bloom so you end up with smaller flowers.

Having rejected the sunflowers, I hit upon another childhood favorite.  Zinnia.  Looking for a write up on the things, it turns out that Zinnia are a warm climate plant from the southwest US and Neighboring Mexico (¡Bienvenidos Vecinos!) even if I could grow them in New Jersey, and did.  Day glow colors would look great in the garden and, bonus, they drew butterflies.

Oh boy did they ever.

I step onto the porch in the morning before the Furnace in the Sky ramped up from annoying to full on Hades and I am bombarded by butterflies.  Not just my favorite orange Monarchs but Swallowtails, Zebrawings, and others.  All day long they come by, land on the Zinnia for a meal, and seek the sad little Milkweed to leave an egg or ten.

As a good High School and College friend Jim would say with a shrug, “Well, that is what they are there for”!  I guess it took all these years for me to get the same kind of an attitude.

So as I do know how to propagate Milkweed, and I still have some Zinnia seeds left, I’m blessed with a task.  I will be planting some more seeds today.  I am enjoying the natural show.  

All I really do need to do is to wait for things to bloom because if I plant it, they do indeed come.   If they come, I will watch.