I'm feeling generous. It's time for a two-fer! Since it is looking dark and like it may rain at this moment, both of them are a bit ... dark.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription...
3 men die and head to the gates of heaven
One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.
He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What is 2+2?” The mathematician answers “Assuming all number values are accounted for and there are no variables to solve for the answer would be 4.” St. Peter lets the mathematician into heaven.
He pulls the philosopher into the room and asks him “What is 2+2?” The philosopher answers “Assuming you’re assigning the arbitrary values to these symbols that we created on earth, and assuming that you and I Agree to accept those values, then the answer would be 4.” St. Peter let’s the philosopher into heaven.
Finally he calls the lawyer into the room and asks him “What is 2+2?” The lawyer walks to the door, shuts it, draws the shades on the windows of the room, leans in close to St. Peter looks around and answers: “What do you want it to be?”