Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Sunday Morning, sunrise.  Time to get ready to go do big circles around the giant gas bag before the heat gets to be too much.  Life of a "Master" athlete.  Or at least that is what they call us who have the temerity to get off the couch after the age of 35 or so.

Remember, if it's on the TV, it's not sports, it's merely 'entertainment'.  Go move!






 
 Grocery store

I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and i ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

Then it was my turn.

The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

I nearly had a heart attack.

I said, “WHAT? For this?”

The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”

I have a software engineering joke, but it is not updating.

 I keep thinking I should write an app, but do it in some older language just so people would scratch their heads and say "Why am I installing Fortran or Cobol here again?"

Then I decide, it isn't worth the effort to troll someone else.




Now this?  It reads like a plot to a Big Bang Theory Episode.




 Oil Tycoons Son Gets Accepted to Harvard

A foreign Oil Tycoons son gets accepted to Harvard, to prepare his son for life in a new country he shells out big money for a Tudor Style Mansion, and to get him to and from school he gets him a top of the line Rolls Royce.

On his first day of class he pulls up in his brand new Rolls Royce and immediately gets comments from his fellow students

"Amazing car, I took the bus to school, I'm so jealous"

"Nice car, sure beats getting dropped off by your mom like I did"

Even one of his professors notices him in his class and says "Hey, I saw you pull up in a Rolls Royce. Maybe one day that'll be me, but I took the train in this morning"

At the end of the day the oil tycoon calls his son to ask about his first day at Harvard. His son responds "Dad it was amazing, just like its shown on TV but I felt a little uneasy since I came in a Rolls Royce but so many of my fellow students came in a bus, and even one of my professors came by train."

The dad responds "Ok, I've wired you $10 Million, please buy yourself a train to take to school to stop embarrassing this family"

Basic Buttercream Icing Recipe

Weird huh?  I keep throwing recipes up here?  I needed a good simple Buttercream icing recipe.  This is one that doesn't need cooking, and can be done with a hand mixer, although your arm may get tired.

When you need 3000 calories a day for all the training you do on the trails, an extra cupcake is not a big deal.  In case you need a good, basic, simple cake or cupcake recipe, I've got you covered!

Oh and Buttercream can be made vegan by substituting Margarine and nut milk in.

The trick with Buttercream Icing, Frosting if you prefer, is that you do things gradually.  Loosey-goosey.  It is not baking, it is more "combining ingredients" and if you think that it is done, then great, it is!  If you think it is too tight or too firm, add more liquid, too loose, add more sugar.  

Remember, add your ingredients gradually!

Ingredients:

•     2 sticks of butter, at room temperature, softened
•     3 to 4 cups of confectioners sugar, sifted
•     1 teaspoon of vanilla extract - other extracts can be substituted such as peppermint if desired
•     2 to 3 Tablespoons of Heavy Cream or Milk
•     Optional - for chocolate icing, melt separately 3 squares Baker's chocolate
•     Optional - pinch of salt

Process:

•     Cream your butter well with a mixer.  The more you cream the butter, the more fluffy it will be
•     To the creamed butter add in slowly 3 cups of sifted confectioner's sugar.  
•     If a sweeter icing is desired, add up to 4 cups, however I found it to be perfect with 3 cups.
•     Add to the icing base 2 to 3 Tablespoons of Heavy Cream or milk.  I recommend 3 Tablespoons heavy cream.
•     Add to the icing base any flavoring such as your chocolate, vanilla, or peppermint at this time.
•     Mix well to incorporate as much air as possible.
•     This will be very stiff in the refrigerator so chill only when needed.
•     At room temperature, this icing will be soft and creamy.

Our stapler won’t commit—it has serious attachment issues.

Being a Doctor as a career is one of those Multi Disciplinary things.  You have to understand the body as a system.  But you also have to figure out some random behavioral issues like a psychologist.

And sometimes, finding the problem is just dumb luck.




 The clever Doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating & see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her, "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

I have an electrical joke , but it's shocking!

 Stay cool my friends!  Going to 92F/32C here, and it already feels like we are trying to break dance in someone else's shower room.

While I'll be hydrating all day today to prepare for tomorrow's workout, I'll leave this hot steamer here for you to enjoy. 

Time to make some bagels, I think!



A pair of immigrants get off the boat at Ellis Island

They go to speak to an immigration official who will give them an allowance, based on their qualifications, while they attempt to find work. 

The first is asked what his job was previously and he replies that he was a diesel fitter. The official tells him that he will be eligible for $100 a week until he finds a job. 

The next man looks hopeful as he walks up and is asked the same question.

"Well, sir, I used to do the very fine stitching on ladies underwear."

"You will be eligible for $25 a week until you find a job."

"But why? You are giving my brother $100 a week!"

"Well, a diesel fitter is a more in demand position that requires skilled labor."

"What do you mean? I was the one who did the stitching. All he did was pull them over his head when I was finished and yell out to the ladies passing in the street *diesel fitter!*"

White Cake Mix - From Scratch Because The Box is Shrinking

I bake, a lot.  So I have been collecting recipes to replace Boxed Mixes as well as for things that I need to have in the house.  When you have a calorie budget of 3000 calories a day to support your athletics, you have to prepare.

Recently the common "Boxed Cake Mixes" got "shrinkflationed".  They went from 15 ounces to 13.33 ounces.  Or so.  

No.  Just, No.  That. Is. Greed.  

F. U. Betty.

Especially when the recipe for making a Boxed White Cake Mix is so easy that you can keep it in a jar, on your counter, for up to a year.  

After that, you are on your own, although I have had "some success" adding Baking Powder and Baking Soda to a mix and reviving it.  Salty, but it can "work".

Just use the stuff, you will enjoy it, and this particular mix is what you probably have in your kitchen already.


Instructions:

• Add the ingredients to a bowl.
• When ready to use, bake at 350F/180C for 20-25 minutes.
• The cupcakes in the picture took me 22 minutes in a "calibrated oven".

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cups cane sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

To make the 12 cupcakes:

• Preheat oven to 350F/180C
• One batch makes one layer of cake or 12 cupcakes of 2 Oz/56g each.
• Yes, I measured with a gram scale.
• Add the mix to a large mixing bowl.
• Add 1/2 cup milk.
• Add 1/2 cup neutral oil (I cheated and used olive oil).
• 2 large eggs, scrambled.
• 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.
• Mix well, pour into cupcakes or your baking pan.
• Bake 20-25 minutes until toothpick put into the middle comes out clean.
• A cake pan will take longer, 25-35 minutes.

Modern society is so divorced from our food sources that most people who eat pop tarts have never actually killed one themselves.

And that in a nut shell is why I bake from scratch.  Fear me, for I have knowledge of the kitchen!  Grrrr!




 Quasimodo is looking for an apprentice

So he puts out an ad in the paper and a dopey kind of fellow shows up looking for work.

They head up the bell tower and Quasimodo explains the job:

"It's real simple, just pull on this rope and then get out of the way as fast as you can or that bell is gonna crash into you."

"Piece of cake boss!"

The guy pulls the rope, doesn't move and watches as the bell comes crashing into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo runs to the base of the tower where a small crowd has gathered. Someone shouts out "does anybody know this man's name!?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, a second man comes looking for work.

"Quasimodo, the man that died yesterday was my brother and our family really needs the money, so please let me take over his job."

"Okay, but this is what killed your brother. You gotta pull on that rope and get out of the way as fast as you can."

"Just leave it to me boss!"

The man pulls on the rope, stands still and the bell crashes into him. He goes flying out of the tower and falls down dead.

Quasimodo rushes downstairs to where a small crowd has gathered. Somebody shouts out "oh my goodness! Does anybody know who this man is?"

Quasimodo responds "I don't know his name either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

Walking around this neighborhood sometimes feels like you should have Groucho Marx making one off cracks at the ducks.

Hmmm, where did I put my copy of Duck Soup?





  A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey.

Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do the paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in Death's office.

He thinks to himself about what he wants to do when he gets there, he could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, he could drive the best sports cars he could imagine, he could even be a care-free child again.

He lingers on that final thought for a moment, it's so appealing to him to be able to run around, play, be silly, with nobody judging him. He gets excited, and stands up.

Death walks back into the office, just in time to see the man bouncing on the sofa. 

He asks "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" to which the man replies "I'm having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?" 

Just as he finishes speaking, the sofa tears open, and the man falls all the way through. 

Death is furious and screams "DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS!? I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO EARTH NOW TO GET A NEW ONE". 

The man sheepishly apologises.

Death asks the man to stand up, and they begin their journey to the afterlife. As they arrive, Death says to the man "GO INSIDE, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FROM HERE". He obliges.

As he walks in, Satan says to the man "Welcome to Hell"

"Hell!?" the man splutters. "But I was told I was going to heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!“

"Unfortunately that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man, however in death, you have behaved recklessly and with no consideration for the reaper cushions."

Three Bicycling Maintenance Tasks for you to Consider Before Your Next Workout

 With inline skates, it's pretty straightforward.  If the wheels have steel bearings, and they won't spin for more than about 30 seconds when you move them quickly by hand, replace or refurbish the bearings.  

I had done that frequently and on my 100 mile weeks, I would do it every week.

I did not expect Cycling to be that frequent or complex.

Complex, yes.  Frequent, not really.

But I had done a major refurbishment of my bicycle back in March.  It is now June, and I have put on 1000 miles since then.  I'm getting close.

There are two ways to tell.  

First, when I push down on the power stroke, I'm getting sound.  Not a lot, but some.  If you get sound on the bike, it means some of your effort is not going into putting you forward and it is time to hunt that part down.  

Everything that spins should spin easily and almost silently.  Things that roll should not creak.

I suppose that the bike is getting old, I have 10,000 miles on the clock, it's been used and abused on trails since I got the thing.  In every sport I participate in, my own method is as an endurance athlete.  I'm not in it for speed, I am in it for distance.

Secondly, if you have the wheels up in the air, give them a very gentle 'flick'.  If they don't swing freely, they need servicing.  By this I mean that it should swing effortlessly like a weight on a string.  A Pendulum.  Mine does for the most part.

A bicycle wheel is rarely balanced perfectly so that it will just spin until balance and friction stops it.  Mine is no different.  My front wheel will spin and then come to a stop at a specific point where a reflector is at 8 o'clock on the dial. 

I am fine with that, and the imbalance is so slight that I would never feel it under power.

But the spinning is slowing down.  The rear wheel, the one with the chain drive will do the same thing until it begins to reverse, then the chain will take up the slack and try to turn the pedals.  Again, not a problem, I can run the pedals against the force and try to analyze the motion.

I had installed a new chain and gearset myself back in March and kept everything clean and lubricated.  The gearset is where the seven sprockets sit on the one side of the back wheel stacked in a pyramid shape.

Since the teeth on each sprocket, especially the gears that are used most, are not worn into a shape resembling a Shark's Tooth, I don't need to replace them.

In my specific case, the problem was that the brake pads were making contact with the brake disc very gently.  This would slow down my forward momentum and make the workout more difficult.

Replacing the brake pads on a bike are a simple affair, especially with mechanical disc brakes.  Remove the caliper with two Allen nuts, remove the cotter pin, and the retaining spring can be gently slid out.  I generally can sand the surface of the pads until clean two different times, and replace them within the caliper to get rid of the road grit and dirt from their surface.  Clean off the discs with alcohol and replace the caliper making sure that the disengaged brakes are not making contact with the discs.  

You can tell when you look down through the alignment gap, this is where I get the dog's flashlight and make sure it's clear.

Make sure you don't get grease from any source on the discs.  That would be why your brakes are making moaning or chattering sounds.

I did manage to cycle 27 miles today on the new pads and they stop me like they did when the bike was new, a couple years and 10,000 miles ago.

16,000 km I guess.

Brakes do need to be clean, so if you are caught out in a cloud burst or are fording a stream or puddles, it isn't a bad idea to give the discs a good cleaning before taking the bike back out yet again.  The brakes are important and will last longer with proper maintenance.

This all does not take long, about 15 minutes for both brakes if I am quick about it, double that if the dog wants to get involved.

I have a math joke, but it doesn't count.

 I'm not a fan of hunting.  It really is best if this sort of thing was left in the "Stupid Ages" since we are learning that there is truly some intelligence in what we broadly call "animals".  

I'm not a vegan.  But this math doesn't really add up.

Speaking of math...





 A medieval king was hunting in Africa...

He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom.

Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless.

The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

I have a surgery joke, but it cuts to the quick.

 I've been through surgery at least 3 times.  I don't recommend it lightly.  On the other hand, I'm happy to have it in the rear view mirror.  One of those things, it's done, and the people who performed it each time were exemplary, truly excellent.

But dang, who wants that sort of thing?

On the other hand I'm feeling generous.  Here are a couple for your Saturday Morning.  I've got a dog campaigning for his third mile walk.




One Friday afternoon at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe…

Darla, the blonde receptionist at the firm runs back to the paralegal’s office with a long gold cardboard box in her hand.

“Look, Patty!” she exclaims excitedly, “Your husband just sent you a dozen long stemmed American beauty roses! How romantic! Wish my George was half as romantic… All I get on Fridays is a text asking me to pick him up a case of beer. Then he gets drunk and doesn’t pay any attention to me all weekend,” she sighs.

Patty rolls her eyes. “You’re the lucky one,” she says. “Yeah it SEEMS romantic on the surface of it, but you know what it REALLY means? I’ll have to spend the whole weekend in bed with my legs in the air!”

Darla looks puzzled for a second, and then a knowing look crosses her face.

“Oh I get it. Well, why don’t you just stop at a store on your way home and buy a vase?”





Funniest dad and nerdy jokes

1:  A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “Do you have any books on how to commit suicide?” The librarian looks at him and says: “No.” The man asks, “Why not?” She replies: “Because you wouldn’t bring it back.”

2:  A computer scientist’s wife tells him: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” He comes back with 12 loaves of bread. She asks, “Why did you buy so many?” He replies: “They had eggs.”

3:  An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender pours two beers and says: “Know your limits.”

(added another nerdy joke):

A photon checks into a hotel.

The receptionist asks, “Do you have any luggage?”

The photon says: “No, I’m traveling light.”

Cardio. It Gives Me The Excuse To Eat Stupid Amounts of Food While the Dog Watches

I have been training to get in shape for twice as long as I have not.  

Or longer.  Decades.

I do crazy amounts of cardio.  8 hours of cycling a week, 6 miles of walking per day.

It gets to the point where I am not eating for regular reasons.  It is done to fill the empty hole, and when done, I'm typically ready to start over.

3000 calories a day.  It's balanced, all a part of a plan.  40% of calories from Protein, the remainder from fats and carbs.

Typically on a "Workout Day", more carbs than fat but it all varies.

To get that many calories, I'm in and out of the kitchen more times a day than I care to count.

Walking through to the laundry on wash days like today, I tend to grab a "Little Something" to keep things going.  I need to get the wash done on "Off Days" because "On Days" all bets are off whether I will have the interest to do anything other than go around in circles at high speeds.

There was a conversation once with a restaurateur.  She was surprised that I wanted the last piece of chocolate cake.  I told her about the 30 miles I had done that day on inline skates and that the cake was already burned.  Oh, and I need to stop myself from having a second.

She had an excellent chocolate cake, really, It's part of the reason why I have so many recipes for chocolate cake and other baked goods.

I am famous for sitting on the front bumper of my Jeep and having a mid workout snack.  Those brownies are really nice after an hour of drafting someone else getting their cardio on.

In this heat that we get in South Florida, it's a requirement that you take frequent breaks.  Water stop, snack, Sunblock, in that order.  I learned years back that every hour you need a break even if you don't want one.  High Summer here is as high as 96F and 80% humidity.  Call that 36C in "New Money".

Add to that a water dousing.  All 6'4" (193cm) of me standing in a parking lot, pouring a large water over my head and down my shirt and back to cool me down enough for the next hour.

Basically it's a lot of planning, a lot of food prep, and everything has to be just so.

All those trips through the kitchen have trained the dog as well.  A McNab dog is about as smart as a dog can get.  That is why I call him Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM).  He's just that smart.  

I did not realize I had trained him as well.  

Walk through the kitchen, there is a good chance that I'm going to grab something and stuff it down into the furnace where the afterburners will convert it into fuel.

Since it's a long way to the floor and since there's almost always music playing when I am at home, I may not hear when that potato chip hits my left foot.  That intelligent furry little knucklehead learned.  Come into the kitchen and follow me around.

So any time I am in there, he's in there staring me down looking to see what I can give him.  I even can shake my head no and he will accept that and walk away but he wants the chance.

If you think Old Dog, New Trick, you would be right.  There is no such thing as you can't teach that old dog, they learn even if you don't like the results.

So as I walk in making a Cheeseburger with toasted shallots on a homemade brioche bun, there's the little furry monster wanting some of the Velveeta that is perched on the counter.

I'd tidy up things so it's a little easier to work in there, but there are so many bags of carbs off to the right that it gets a little embarrassing how crowded things get.

Don't judge me, it is Athlete's Prerogative.

Even at my age, there's mess, and "Lived In".  

And besides, training sessions are available, 8AM at the park.  Look for the soon to be wet giant setting up the bike next to the Jeep.  For a nominal feel, of course.